You know when your a little kid and you have these dreams.. and you strive to find them your whole life... you fail, you make mistakes, you pick yourself back up and put the pieces back together... each time losing or finding a part of yourself you never knew before ..
Every time it seems harder and harder to pull yourself back together... as fast as you once did... as hope dwindles.. you become looser in stature... do you begin to fall apart.. do your dreams fade away?
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I just want to go home...
Chris and I had One special song that we were supposed to listen to when we missed eachother or needed one another and we couldnt be there...
Here is mine from him.. I need him right now, so I am listening to it.
I feel like a song without the words,
a man without a soul,
a bird without its wings,
a heart without a home.
I feel like a knight without a sword,
a sky without the sun,
cause you are the one.
I feel like a ship beneath the waves,
a child who's lost its way,
a door without a key,
a face without a name.
I feel like a breath without the air,
and everyday's the same, since you've gone away.
I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you;
I miss you, everyday.
I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
still holding on, girl,
I won't let you go,
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.
They tell me that a man can lose his mind
living in the pain.
Recallin' times gone by,
I'm crying in the rain.
You know I've wasted half the time
and I'm on my knees again.
'Til you come to me.
Yeah.I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you.
And I miss you, everyday.
And I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Lay my head against your heart, I know I'm home.
I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.
I just want to go HOME!!!!
Here is mine from him.. I need him right now, so I am listening to it.
I feel like a song without the words,
a man without a soul,
a bird without its wings,
a heart without a home.
I feel like a knight without a sword,
a sky without the sun,
cause you are the one.
I feel like a ship beneath the waves,
a child who's lost its way,
a door without a key,
a face without a name.
I feel like a breath without the air,
and everyday's the same, since you've gone away.
I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you;
I miss you, everyday.
I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
still holding on, girl,
I won't let you go,
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.
They tell me that a man can lose his mind
living in the pain.
Recallin' times gone by,
I'm crying in the rain.
You know I've wasted half the time
and I'm on my knees again.
'Til you come to me.
Yeah.I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you.
And I miss you, everyday.
And I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Lay my head against your heart, I know I'm home.
I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.
I just want to go HOME!!!!
Do you know a goddess in love when you see one?
Can you see the difference in my eyes?
Can you see my bliss knowing at this point i was engaged to the man of my dreams... engaged to an angel fallen to earth in my honor?
Can you see that I was looking into HIS eyes? That i was smiling into HIS existance?
Life is So short and now I am existing without him.. how is that withstandable?
I will have to live the last 50 years of my life looking back on these pictures and knowing that I once found true happiness... Once.
I never made love to a man my whole life until him...
I never felt the emotions i felt for a man...with a man... before him...
There was nothing before him... everything with him... and No one After him
God bless you Christopher Ryan Pearson...
Love your ex-almost wife
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Thoughts.
To crave for that kind of love, but to not recieve... to expect it to become..eventually.. that is the demise of any relationship.
There should be no relationship before love.
You sacrifice for love.
You suffer for love.
You would do anything for the one you love.
That is when you can Create goals in life TOGETHER.
You have to be One in mind... and spirit before you can move onwards and not miss a step,
not allow your "one" to fall... ever.
to create a trust that when they look up from falling...
it will ALWAys be your eyes they will look into...
Your hand that will be reaching down for them.
There should be no relationship before love.
You sacrifice for love.
You suffer for love.
You would do anything for the one you love.
That is when you can Create goals in life TOGETHER.
You have to be One in mind... and spirit before you can move onwards and not miss a step,
not allow your "one" to fall... ever.
to create a trust that when they look up from falling...
it will ALWAys be your eyes they will look into...
Your hand that will be reaching down for them.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I gave you...
Now I will tell you what I have done for you...
I gave you life when you no longer felt alive
I gave you the attention that no one bothered to give you
I gave you the promises you never thought anyone would give you
I gave you a heart that bleeds so faithfully in your honor
I gave you a world that never has to be outside of the light of god
I gave you a smile that held value, replacing your once emotionless pictures
I gave you a shoulder to cry on when no one cared to listen
I gave you ambition to become greater than you ever wanted to be
I gave you a hand to hold when no one was reaching to you
I gave you a love that will last everafter, a love worth dying for
I gave you truth of a heart and soul that has been weathered but has not lost hope
I gave you a dream of a family, that would never fail to this world
I gave you someone to trust, someone to depend on
I gave you security that I would never forsake you or abandon you
I gave you a star to wish on
I gave you words to live by, words to warm your soul
I gave you a place to fall into, when we couldnt stop falling, I opened myself to you despite my better judgement...
Now I fall alone!
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time,
I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again...
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII died for YOU!!
Evanescence -going under
I hear ya Amy! I know exactly where you are coming from.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
"Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is
And fixing your problems and starting over again"
So you have seen me with my defenses down... not so beautiful now?
Not so perfect?
Can't stand what you see inside the ashes?
Can't take the pressure of standing back and watching me try to stand?
You feel helpless? YOU feel Helpless?
Try walking with me... try feeling what I feel..
Try taking in all I have taken and let me watch You stand.
You may be able to give up on me, but I will not..
I will pull through. I will pull myself back together soon
Life isnt beautiful...
Im not giving up on myself...
I have too much left to lose
With my tiny ounce of sanity I will watch you walk away
With my hand shaking I will let down your ring
Fighting my heart I will let you give up on me
"This isnt over"
You shot me with your words
I'll search for the one who believes in me
I'll reach for the one who needs me
I never doubted you... when you said you loved me
But i should have known you dont understand what love is...
What love is worth.
One day you will see..
You threw our lives away
You will try to love again...but nothing will ever take away the void i have created in your soul
I used to think how lucky you were to get it right the first time, To never go through heartache.. to never have some one walk away from you... You were so lucky
One day you will hate me for loving you so much
One day you will hate the emptiness you have inside because of me
One day you will hate what you have lost... what you know exists and you walked away in your confusion
I can only try to heal love... will it be so wrong to let you go?
Will it be so wrong to tell you I love you but you gave up on me...
Will it be so wrong to say "Sorry, I have to go".
Will the world turn upside down?
Will the reality of losing me shatter your heart the way you have left mine?
Will you stop at nothing to get me back?
Will you be relentless?
Will you fight wars for me?
Will you see right through me? Will you even know me anymore?
Will you go through hell just for the chance to bring me back?
Cant put this away...
Whenever i have an emotion, i feel this burning throughout my body... (thanks lexapro)
I thought it would take away the pain of losing my soulmate...
but i return to sitting here.. wondering...waiting.. if he will miss me soon.
They say time will take away the pain... I also heard a person can go crazy dealing with it..
Which path do I choose?
Do i let myself win? Do I let myself lose?
I have nothing left to lose... he took everything with him when he walked out the door.
How could i ever move on?
How can I ever look into another mans eyes and not see his?
How can I ever hear "I love you" and not hear chris speaking to me
Everything reminds me of him... everything
I have dreamt of him every night i have been able to sleep.
Talking to him hurts, because he doesnt say he loves me anymore...
I put away the things that remind me of him.. but there are so many things i cant put away...
I cant put away the bed we once shared
I cant put away the road i used to daydream about him on while im driving
I cant put away the music he and i so romantically shared, danced to, proposed to
I cant put away the words that dance in my mind
I cant put away the water he used to drink and swish
I cant put away the breath from my lips that whispers "i love you baby"
I cant put away the beating in my chest that pounds so deeply for his love
I cant put away my eyes that search for him... everywhere i go
I cant put away my son he used to carry around so lovingly
I cant put away the homework he used to do with my daughter after school
I cant put away the gentle comfort from my children when i cry...telling me "Its ok mommy, he will come back cause he loves you"
I cant put away the empty seat at church i gaze upon where he and i used to sit holding hands.
I cant' put away my finger, where his promise of love and commitment once rounded
I cant put away the sky i used to gaze upon and thank god for my fiance
I cant put away the forever he promised to be by my side...
I thought it would take away the pain of losing my soulmate...
but i return to sitting here.. wondering...waiting.. if he will miss me soon.
They say time will take away the pain... I also heard a person can go crazy dealing with it..
Which path do I choose?
Do i let myself win? Do I let myself lose?
I have nothing left to lose... he took everything with him when he walked out the door.
How could i ever move on?
How can I ever look into another mans eyes and not see his?
How can I ever hear "I love you" and not hear chris speaking to me
Everything reminds me of him... everything
I have dreamt of him every night i have been able to sleep.
Talking to him hurts, because he doesnt say he loves me anymore...
I put away the things that remind me of him.. but there are so many things i cant put away...
I cant put away the bed we once shared
I cant put away the road i used to daydream about him on while im driving
I cant put away the music he and i so romantically shared, danced to, proposed to
I cant put away the words that dance in my mind
I cant put away the water he used to drink and swish
I cant put away the breath from my lips that whispers "i love you baby"
I cant put away the beating in my chest that pounds so deeply for his love
I cant put away my eyes that search for him... everywhere i go
I cant put away my son he used to carry around so lovingly
I cant put away the homework he used to do with my daughter after school
I cant put away the gentle comfort from my children when i cry...telling me "Its ok mommy, he will come back cause he loves you"
I cant put away the empty seat at church i gaze upon where he and i used to sit holding hands.
I cant' put away my finger, where his promise of love and commitment once rounded
I cant put away the sky i used to gaze upon and thank god for my fiance
I cant put away the forever he promised to be by my side...
Monday, May 01, 2006
"You're my last stop. My only stop".
How could he have been so wrong?
Walking in a dream, waking from my nightmares...
Shaking... scared... lost
Praying for sleep, praying for this to end
When will i wake up to find him lying in my arms?
When will i close my eyes to breath in his scent once again?
Rebuild my world, to shatter it in the end?
What have i done so wrong... but love someone so completely?
Why cant he see? Why cant he feel my absence the way I feel his?
Why can't we just start over and do this the right way?
He once loved me so much that it hurt for him to be away,
He once spoke of nothing completing him more than being in my presence..
Now he speaks of nothing...
His silence truly has become the delicate array of torture i once dreamt it could be..
God please, must i beg... stop this... please
Let us do this right.
Bring back his love.
My soul is torn, I know there is nowhere left for me to go.
He is my world.
He is my breath.
He is my gift from heaven above.
Please don't make me exist without him.
Please god... id give my life for his...as he has said he would do for me..
Is this what was intended..
Is this the death I must endure?
"Pride can stand
a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars
without you
My soul cries
Heaving heart
is full of pain
Oooh, oooh, the aching
'Cause I'm
kissing you,
oooh
I'm kissing you,
oooh
Touch me deep
pure and true
Give to me
forever
'Cause I'm
kissing you,
oooh
I'm kissing you,
oooh
Where are you now ?
Where are you now ?
Cause I'm
kissing you
I'm kissing you...
The song i told him to listen to whenever he missed me...
He used to miss me so badly...
I would do everything in my power to take away his loneliness...
it wasnt enough..
I wasnt enough
How could he just go on living knowing what we had?
How does this not hurt him?
Did he ever truly love me at all?
Will he ever love another more than me?
Could he?
Will he ever share the words that we shared... with another?
No... please god no, I am the love of his life...
Don't let him forget.
We are meant to be.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Don't say you love me, Until its your dying breath!
Don't lead me on a path that you don't plan to walk with me
Don't pull me up if you only plan to drop me when its all too much
Don't cry for me to love you... You know not what you ask!
Don't wish for someone like me... You know not what you want.
Don't build your world around mine... its not a strong foundation.
Don't crave for my arms around you, because i will never let go
Don't wait for me to love you... I already do.
Don't swear on eternity, if you do not understand
Don't pray for my Love if you dont intend to accept it with all your heart
Don't swear you will never give up on me... if you are weak.
Don't chase me, if you cannot keep up.
Don't open my eyes, if you dont want to open yours
Don't let your heart beat for me, if you dont want to live.
Don't hold me, if you need to let go
Don't give me your heart and soul... cause i refuse to give it back
Don't cherish me, unless you do it for all time
I am not a game. I am not a prize. I am human.
Here on earth just as you.
Suffering, Loving, Living, PRAYING... just like you.
I hurt. I cry. I feel.
So your angel wasnt what you'd expected... but you asked for me to fall... FOR YOU!!
You asked for me... and you walked away.
Never again.
He will never say he loves me again...
I will never gaze into his pure blue eyes
I will never feel his hand on my cheek
We will never laugh together again
We will never dream together again
We will never stand in eachothers presence again
He will never run to the door to meet me...
He will never kiss the lips he couldnt help but stare at
We will never hold one anothers hand as we worship our lord again
He will never read the bible to me
He will never write me such beautiful words as he once wrote
He will never answer my call in the night when life isnt going so right
He will never tell me all the things he loves about me, because he doesnt love them anymore
He will never reach out for me, because i am not the one he wants in his arms anymore
He will never defend me again, because he doesnt care if i fall
He will never miss me the way i miss him, because he is running from what we were and pushing the feelings somewhere he cannot reach them any longer
He will never dream of me and wake up smiling again....calling me in his morning voice i so tenderly loved
I once never had to wonder if he was thinking about me at any point of the day, because i knew he was... now i wonder if he will ever think of me again
We will never have a child of our own, not a Talia or Elijah... nothing
We will never walk down that isle of church and confess our love for one another for the whole world to witness as we once planned...
We will never secretly plan our vows again, because they no longer exist
We will never celebrate another holiday together and thank god that we are together, because we are not.
I will never hear another song that fills me with bliss... because he is gone, I cant relate any longer.
God... why? Why?
I want my angel back.
I will never gaze into his pure blue eyes
I will never feel his hand on my cheek
We will never laugh together again
We will never dream together again
We will never stand in eachothers presence again
He will never run to the door to meet me...
He will never kiss the lips he couldnt help but stare at
We will never hold one anothers hand as we worship our lord again
He will never read the bible to me
He will never write me such beautiful words as he once wrote
He will never answer my call in the night when life isnt going so right
He will never tell me all the things he loves about me, because he doesnt love them anymore
He will never reach out for me, because i am not the one he wants in his arms anymore
He will never defend me again, because he doesnt care if i fall
He will never miss me the way i miss him, because he is running from what we were and pushing the feelings somewhere he cannot reach them any longer
He will never dream of me and wake up smiling again....calling me in his morning voice i so tenderly loved
I once never had to wonder if he was thinking about me at any point of the day, because i knew he was... now i wonder if he will ever think of me again
We will never have a child of our own, not a Talia or Elijah... nothing
We will never walk down that isle of church and confess our love for one another for the whole world to witness as we once planned...
We will never secretly plan our vows again, because they no longer exist
We will never celebrate another holiday together and thank god that we are together, because we are not.
I will never hear another song that fills me with bliss... because he is gone, I cant relate any longer.
God... why? Why?
I want my angel back.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Where did it go wrong...
Up until the moment I walked into the room monday morning, everything was so beautiful and right...
On our way to missouri, chris surprised me with a wonderful easter card...by reading it and what he wrote, i was clueless he was about to leave me...
"As long as I live, Ill always be there to do anything for you, or go anywhere.
As long as forever, my love will be true-
And as long s I live, Ill love only you!
Happy Easter
(May god shine upon you baby with many blessings this easter holiday. I love you so much and i am totally glad I am spending this blessed holiday with my true soulmate! Thats love lovi and thats you sweetheart.
True passion comes from within, that is how a man or woman is defined!
Always k? Christy)"
What did i do so wrong in missouri? What stole away this happiness i once gave him?
I remember we were at "the castle" and i walked off with my son. A few minutes later Chris came looking for me, I said "Id hoped you'd come" he replied "Ill always come looking for you" Thats when i told him "Thats one of the things i love so much about you baby" and i stopped to put my arms around him and kiss him =)
I feel that I loved him as much as i possibly could. I feel that i took every moment and cherished it... I have so many beautiful memories that he and i made together... so many precious words we have spoken to one another... so much life created when we were together...
I would do it all over again, but i would change a few things...
I would have been stronger and asked him to wait until the divorce was final.
I would have gotten emotional medical help and started my recovery a long time ago had i known he wouldnt lose respect for me being on medication. I thought he would see me as a weak person and i didnt want to lose him. Instead, not seeking help pushed him away =
I would have quit that stupid life sucking game the minute he walked in the door, and held his hand every minute he was in my presence...
I would have went for long walks, taken him out to spend time with my family (even if they embarrased me at times, but hey thats family)
I would have turned on every song we ever shared and danced in his arms every single night before bed...
I would have watched alias with him and learned how to rollerblade just so he could help me up when i fall..hehe
I would have sat and cuddled with him rubbing his hair while he watched star trek...
Id have secretly learned to play chess...just so i could surprise him when he asked me to play...
I would have stayed up as long as i had to that night i put in pigtails for him, just so we could play around like the tards we were...
Id have bought a watch and set it to 422 just so i could pounce on him for our kisses AS soon as 423 hit... nothing should have been more important
and i see this all too late.
I promised to love him like he has never been loved before, and i failed.
I would have sang to him the song i promised to sing to him on our wedding day "From this moment on"
I would have married this man blindly at the altar... and through everything, I honestly still would. I dont care what the world thinks, I know that those that care about us, hope to see us back together once again... being "That couple" yeah... That Couple!
On our way to missouri, chris surprised me with a wonderful easter card...by reading it and what he wrote, i was clueless he was about to leave me...
"As long as I live, Ill always be there to do anything for you, or go anywhere.
As long as forever, my love will be true-
And as long s I live, Ill love only you!
Happy Easter
(May god shine upon you baby with many blessings this easter holiday. I love you so much and i am totally glad I am spending this blessed holiday with my true soulmate! Thats love lovi and thats you sweetheart.
True passion comes from within, that is how a man or woman is defined!
Always k? Christy)"
What did i do so wrong in missouri? What stole away this happiness i once gave him?
I remember we were at "the castle" and i walked off with my son. A few minutes later Chris came looking for me, I said "Id hoped you'd come" he replied "Ill always come looking for you" Thats when i told him "Thats one of the things i love so much about you baby" and i stopped to put my arms around him and kiss him =)
I feel that I loved him as much as i possibly could. I feel that i took every moment and cherished it... I have so many beautiful memories that he and i made together... so many precious words we have spoken to one another... so much life created when we were together...
I would do it all over again, but i would change a few things...
I would have been stronger and asked him to wait until the divorce was final.
I would have gotten emotional medical help and started my recovery a long time ago had i known he wouldnt lose respect for me being on medication. I thought he would see me as a weak person and i didnt want to lose him. Instead, not seeking help pushed him away =
I would have quit that stupid life sucking game the minute he walked in the door, and held his hand every minute he was in my presence...
I would have went for long walks, taken him out to spend time with my family (even if they embarrased me at times, but hey thats family)
I would have turned on every song we ever shared and danced in his arms every single night before bed...
I would have watched alias with him and learned how to rollerblade just so he could help me up when i fall..hehe
I would have sat and cuddled with him rubbing his hair while he watched star trek...
Id have secretly learned to play chess...just so i could surprise him when he asked me to play...
I would have stayed up as long as i had to that night i put in pigtails for him, just so we could play around like the tards we were...
Id have bought a watch and set it to 422 just so i could pounce on him for our kisses AS soon as 423 hit... nothing should have been more important
and i see this all too late.
I promised to love him like he has never been loved before, and i failed.
I would have sang to him the song i promised to sing to him on our wedding day "From this moment on"
I would have married this man blindly at the altar... and through everything, I honestly still would. I dont care what the world thinks, I know that those that care about us, hope to see us back together once again... being "That couple" yeah... That Couple!
Monday, April 24, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Hush.
"Me? How about my fiancé...yeah. That’s way more interesting! Her name is Katie. She is most definitely the woman of my dreams and my twin soul. Wonderful and precious she is and such a beautiful smile she has and with one glance should i could fall in love with her all over again. She is the kindest most generous person on the face of this planet. She truly is worth wars to be fought over for her..."
How could I not be in disbelief that this wonderful person doesn't love me anymore?
I have decided to write myself a goodbye letter from christy...
Hush my precious angel
You have fallen and broke your wings
Forgotten how to fly..
Forgotten why you fell
The world around us has not paused their lives in the aftershock
instead we sit miles apart, with our heads in our hands and our hearts on the floor.
Our souls will never be free
Our minds will forever be haunted by one anothers presence
Hush my precious angel
I cannot withstand to hear your cries
Your begging for me to stay and hold you just one moment longer
Your promises to change what made things unkind
Shhh...its not your fault
I cannot take away your pain any longer
I cannot carry your burdens by your side
I need to see you stand, but I can no longer carry you
Hush my precious angel
Your eyes are gazing into my soul and you know where to touch me to stir the pain.
The song you sing is one that will shatter hearts of those who have loved and lost... I cannot listen for it to will shatter mine
You will re-open the wounds that i need to heal
My heart may ache into eternity if i do not remove this ring
Hush my precious angel..
I am sorry for all of our pain
I am sorry that you will wake in the night hurting...crying out to me
I am sorry you can no longer be a part of my world
I am sorry I have to be so cold
Shhh....listen
The birds are singing outside your window, they have not gone, remember me in the way I used to talk to you about hearing them.
The clothes I once wore as we held eachother, still hang in your closet, remember how my flesh was once covered in these.
The space beside you in your bed at night still holds my presence in your mind, remember always the love we made, the way I would look into your eyes, the way my hands carressed your body in pure love....and only love.
The sun still shines in your eyes, it is still shining, leaving the most beautiful brown eyes glowing with the fire of your soul, remember the way I used to admire the many shades of your eyes.
Your lips still pass breath, you are still breathing, remember how i would gaze upon your lips, how i would kiss them at any chance we were allowed, remember that feeling throughout your body each and every time our lips met.
Your heart still beats, you are still alive, remember how I swore my heart was beating for you and only you...forever. Remember how you would lay your head on my chest and listen.
Our picture still sets on your nightstand, we were once so alive with passion, remember all those moments we captured, in our hearts, our souls, and our minds. Remember how each and every moment we spent together was precious and real... no one can ever take those moments away from you. At times you may wish you could erase them all, but they linger.
The letters I have written to you in my many confessions of love that i swore was endless, may have ended but remember I believed in myself as much as you did. Although I may have failed you, I know I will never feel that way for another person on this earth
Hush, you are a precious angel
Too much for a mere mortal like me
All the promises I have given you, I am taking away
All the dreams we built together, I am tearing down
I didnt come here to leave you
I didnt come here to lose
I didnt come here believing that i would ever be without you
I didnt come here to find out there was a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by my faith in love
...and i lost faith.
Im sorry, I have to go.
How could I not be in disbelief that this wonderful person doesn't love me anymore?
I have decided to write myself a goodbye letter from christy...
Hush my precious angel
You have fallen and broke your wings
Forgotten how to fly..
Forgotten why you fell
The world around us has not paused their lives in the aftershock
instead we sit miles apart, with our heads in our hands and our hearts on the floor.
Our souls will never be free
Our minds will forever be haunted by one anothers presence
Hush my precious angel
I cannot withstand to hear your cries
Your begging for me to stay and hold you just one moment longer
Your promises to change what made things unkind
Shhh...its not your fault
I cannot take away your pain any longer
I cannot carry your burdens by your side
I need to see you stand, but I can no longer carry you
Hush my precious angel
Your eyes are gazing into my soul and you know where to touch me to stir the pain.
The song you sing is one that will shatter hearts of those who have loved and lost... I cannot listen for it to will shatter mine
You will re-open the wounds that i need to heal
My heart may ache into eternity if i do not remove this ring
Hush my precious angel..
I am sorry for all of our pain
I am sorry that you will wake in the night hurting...crying out to me
I am sorry you can no longer be a part of my world
I am sorry I have to be so cold
Shhh....listen
The birds are singing outside your window, they have not gone, remember me in the way I used to talk to you about hearing them.
The clothes I once wore as we held eachother, still hang in your closet, remember how my flesh was once covered in these.
The space beside you in your bed at night still holds my presence in your mind, remember always the love we made, the way I would look into your eyes, the way my hands carressed your body in pure love....and only love.
The sun still shines in your eyes, it is still shining, leaving the most beautiful brown eyes glowing with the fire of your soul, remember the way I used to admire the many shades of your eyes.
Your lips still pass breath, you are still breathing, remember how i would gaze upon your lips, how i would kiss them at any chance we were allowed, remember that feeling throughout your body each and every time our lips met.
Your heart still beats, you are still alive, remember how I swore my heart was beating for you and only you...forever. Remember how you would lay your head on my chest and listen.
Our picture still sets on your nightstand, we were once so alive with passion, remember all those moments we captured, in our hearts, our souls, and our minds. Remember how each and every moment we spent together was precious and real... no one can ever take those moments away from you. At times you may wish you could erase them all, but they linger.
The letters I have written to you in my many confessions of love that i swore was endless, may have ended but remember I believed in myself as much as you did. Although I may have failed you, I know I will never feel that way for another person on this earth
Hush, you are a precious angel
Too much for a mere mortal like me
All the promises I have given you, I am taking away
All the dreams we built together, I am tearing down
I didnt come here to leave you
I didnt come here to lose
I didnt come here believing that i would ever be without you
I didnt come here to find out there was a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by my faith in love
...and i lost faith.
Im sorry, I have to go.
"Im not accepting this is real until you come here and leave, then call me and say when can I come back"
In a world as cold as stone... must I walk this path alone?
My father cried with me last night... last time i seen him cry was when i was in the hospital 6 years ago.. on the night that god said No.. you are not leaving this way. He said, "Im crying because when you hurt.. I hurt.. and its killing me. I Need you to get better. I Need you to come out of this...for us. Please Kate...I need you in this life."
*sigh*
Even in my darkest hours I am pulling down on everyone around me...they are trying to hold me up and carry me through this, but my heart, my soul, is cemented to the very spot of where the destruction of what I thought was Forever. I am supposed to love him into eternity, but without him there is no where left to go... no where else Id rather be but settling in the memory of "what was"
In a world as cold as stone... must I walk this path alone?
My father cried with me last night... last time i seen him cry was when i was in the hospital 6 years ago.. on the night that god said No.. you are not leaving this way. He said, "Im crying because when you hurt.. I hurt.. and its killing me. I Need you to get better. I Need you to come out of this...for us. Please Kate...I need you in this life."
*sigh*
Even in my darkest hours I am pulling down on everyone around me...they are trying to hold me up and carry me through this, but my heart, my soul, is cemented to the very spot of where the destruction of what I thought was Forever. I am supposed to love him into eternity, but without him there is no where left to go... no where else Id rather be but settling in the memory of "what was"
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Be with me now...
please let me rest with you in my presence lord.
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm!!
I dreamt of him last night, I was finally able to sleep...
He was sitting across from me and my heart was all put back together.
This has truly changed me and everything I have always felt for him is so much more intense than it has ever been...
I pray that his ability to talk to me will come soon.
I pray that he has faith in love Above all!
I read a prayer he wrote for me last year... I cried and I smiled and I put my tiny ounce of joy in a bottle for when I will need it the most.
"A prayer. Jesus. The King of Kings. The lord of lords. The alpha and Omega. I thank you. I thank you for bringing Katie (my eternal beloved) into my life. I thank you for everything you have done in our relationship. The perfect timing. The perfect words that were said. I thank you for the wrong word or actions that were taken place. I thank you for that because it brought us even closer and stronger in each others souls instead of pushing eachother away we grew tighter within eachother. Ithank you Lord God for your love which in turns allows us to love. My love for this woman is far greater than anything imaginable. I confess at your feet lord. I confess my love for this woman. This perfect woman that completes me. Lord if i were to break my heart in two and throw a piece of it away I know that the piece she has will fit perfectly into mine making me whole...making us whole. Lord please continue to bless our life, our futures, our love for eachother. There is no end in sight. Only new beginnings. And our beginning is about to commence. And with you by our side we will triumph in all obstacles. Lord. I thank you yet again. *deep breath* . Amen."
please let me rest with you in my presence lord.
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm!!
I dreamt of him last night, I was finally able to sleep...
He was sitting across from me and my heart was all put back together.
This has truly changed me and everything I have always felt for him is so much more intense than it has ever been...
I pray that his ability to talk to me will come soon.
I pray that he has faith in love Above all!
I read a prayer he wrote for me last year... I cried and I smiled and I put my tiny ounce of joy in a bottle for when I will need it the most.
"A prayer. Jesus. The King of Kings. The lord of lords. The alpha and Omega. I thank you. I thank you for bringing Katie (my eternal beloved) into my life. I thank you for everything you have done in our relationship. The perfect timing. The perfect words that were said. I thank you for the wrong word or actions that were taken place. I thank you for that because it brought us even closer and stronger in each others souls instead of pushing eachother away we grew tighter within eachother. Ithank you Lord God for your love which in turns allows us to love. My love for this woman is far greater than anything imaginable. I confess at your feet lord. I confess my love for this woman. This perfect woman that completes me. Lord if i were to break my heart in two and throw a piece of it away I know that the piece she has will fit perfectly into mine making me whole...making us whole. Lord please continue to bless our life, our futures, our love for eachother. There is no end in sight. Only new beginnings. And our beginning is about to commence. And with you by our side we will triumph in all obstacles. Lord. I thank you yet again. *deep breath* . Amen."
Far away lyrics
Far Away - Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
if I don't see you anymore
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing,
'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
if I don't see you anymore
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing,
'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Pulling through...
I am putting my faith where it needs to be right now. In love, In god, In Chris.
I saw you... You were a sign.
I didnt hear what you were saying but i saw the look in your eyes
I couldnt understand why i wasnt enough
Im lost without him
Calling out in the night
Praying for the words that he intends to marry me as soon as things are right.
"This is not over"
Those words, the tiny ounce of hope he left in my soul...steal my heart and run it far from where I stand.
Those around me have become a life support system
waiting for the call to turn it off
We went through hell to be together. We pulled eachother through when one was weak, we carried one another.
I want to remain strong for him, with him.
I want to offer the comfort he needs right now.
Mom says I should write because thats what im good at.
I thought i would be able to write through this, but no words are coming to me, only emotion.
Im so scared he will never return to me..
I promise I am not trying to make his life harder
It is hard enough for me to pull myself together to live my day to day life. Is it so wrong in the middle of the night when the thoughts take over me I reach out for him?
I went through some of the emails we have shared and god they made my heart so warm.
I drew him a picture...of one of the last greatest moments we spent with eachother..
It was of a purple tree in the storm we held eachother in...
I saw you... You were a sign.
I didnt hear what you were saying but i saw the look in your eyes
I couldnt understand why i wasnt enough
Im lost without him
Calling out in the night
Praying for the words that he intends to marry me as soon as things are right.
"This is not over"
Those words, the tiny ounce of hope he left in my soul...steal my heart and run it far from where I stand.
Those around me have become a life support system
waiting for the call to turn it off
We went through hell to be together. We pulled eachother through when one was weak, we carried one another.
I want to remain strong for him, with him.
I want to offer the comfort he needs right now.
Mom says I should write because thats what im good at.
I thought i would be able to write through this, but no words are coming to me, only emotion.
Im so scared he will never return to me..
I promise I am not trying to make his life harder
It is hard enough for me to pull myself together to live my day to day life. Is it so wrong in the middle of the night when the thoughts take over me I reach out for him?
I went through some of the emails we have shared and god they made my heart so warm.
I drew him a picture...of one of the last greatest moments we spent with eachother..
It was of a purple tree in the storm we held eachother in...
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
So lost.
Jesus,
I am asking you for guidance right now. I am asking for strength.
I am asking for peace in my soul...
If chris is to not return to me, please i beg of you give me the will to live. Share with me your heavenly love. Embrace me in my lonely hours that are to come if he leaves me. Both of our worlds are falling apart without eachother, but only mine will be better if he returns. I am not enough. I am simply not enough. Forgive me if I m not strong enough to go on.
Please forgive me.
I am asking you for guidance right now. I am asking for strength.
I am asking for peace in my soul...
If chris is to not return to me, please i beg of you give me the will to live. Share with me your heavenly love. Embrace me in my lonely hours that are to come if he leaves me. Both of our worlds are falling apart without eachother, but only mine will be better if he returns. I am not enough. I am simply not enough. Forgive me if I m not strong enough to go on.
Please forgive me.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Im trying so hard to tell myself that he is gone..
Mom pointed out the 4 things he left me on his desk
Our baby, the ewok he bought for me in Florida, in happier times id say, hell any time before today was a happier time
A picture of him sitting on our bed, a picture that I had spent many lonely nights crying to, looking at, sleeping with, praying for...
His bible he dedicated to me...promised to buy me a bible and found it more meaningful to give me his...
Our engagement ring...I have given you my heart and soul now I ask will you accept it? Yes baby, I do. You are My soul, You are My heart. You are the storm that guides me. I know your confused right now, but god is sending me so many messages today. You are making a stand for what you believe in. You are doing what is hard for you and I both for your place at the throne with our lord. For our place there. And if you never return to me, just know I am putting this in God's hands, he will not abandon me. When he makes a promise... he doesnt go back on it. He doesnt make mistakes. I am not Your mistake. I was created for you, and you for me... I will take your memory "into eternity" as I promised, and my promise will stand just as one should. You are such a precious soul, and by now I wish things had been different. I wish my bed was warm with your body. Instead cold sheets await my arrival. I wish this pain in my stomach were only from not having the will to eat. Instead it is the emptiness of my soul that has become...me. I wish I had loved you every day as it were our last day together. Instead, I depended on having the rest of my life to catch up on the love I should have given you yesterday. I wish as I wrapped my arms around you crying and pleading to god to keep you with me, that he had answered my prayer. Instead silence. I wish you had kissed me goodbye and promised to return. But instead you told me to remember you love me...how could I forget?
Now you can see why I felt I could never love again. Now I see why I should have trusted myself for once. But again I side with the fact that I believe you were sent to me by god himself. I believe You were "the one" he has wanted me to prepare for. I believe in God's will. You showed me the way to him. You made me want so badly to be a better person. Your love for me, and my love for you made me understand a tiny ounce of how unconditionally jesus loves us. One day it just dawned on me as my understanding of Christ often does...I couldnt Fathom the amount of Love he had in his soul...to love EVERYONE as much as I loved you.
Now I can almost fathom other things Jesus went through. Sacrifice.
Mom forgot to mention one thing you left for me...
Emptiness.
But she said baby, look at the things he left for you here...
This is your answer.
She gave me the longest hug ever before she left.
She told me, He is doing what he feels is right, he wasnt ready for you, he may never be. But you have to let him do this, even if he isnt coming back to you. I know she is worried about me coming out of this alive. I told her goodbye and when she left, fell to the floor to cry once again.
God, when will my time come to live life with happiness? When will my suffering end? When will you bring him back to me?
Mom pointed out the 4 things he left me on his desk
Our baby, the ewok he bought for me in Florida, in happier times id say, hell any time before today was a happier time
A picture of him sitting on our bed, a picture that I had spent many lonely nights crying to, looking at, sleeping with, praying for...
His bible he dedicated to me...promised to buy me a bible and found it more meaningful to give me his...
Our engagement ring...I have given you my heart and soul now I ask will you accept it? Yes baby, I do. You are My soul, You are My heart. You are the storm that guides me. I know your confused right now, but god is sending me so many messages today. You are making a stand for what you believe in. You are doing what is hard for you and I both for your place at the throne with our lord. For our place there. And if you never return to me, just know I am putting this in God's hands, he will not abandon me. When he makes a promise... he doesnt go back on it. He doesnt make mistakes. I am not Your mistake. I was created for you, and you for me... I will take your memory "into eternity" as I promised, and my promise will stand just as one should. You are such a precious soul, and by now I wish things had been different. I wish my bed was warm with your body. Instead cold sheets await my arrival. I wish this pain in my stomach were only from not having the will to eat. Instead it is the emptiness of my soul that has become...me. I wish I had loved you every day as it were our last day together. Instead, I depended on having the rest of my life to catch up on the love I should have given you yesterday. I wish as I wrapped my arms around you crying and pleading to god to keep you with me, that he had answered my prayer. Instead silence. I wish you had kissed me goodbye and promised to return. But instead you told me to remember you love me...how could I forget?
Now you can see why I felt I could never love again. Now I see why I should have trusted myself for once. But again I side with the fact that I believe you were sent to me by god himself. I believe You were "the one" he has wanted me to prepare for. I believe in God's will. You showed me the way to him. You made me want so badly to be a better person. Your love for me, and my love for you made me understand a tiny ounce of how unconditionally jesus loves us. One day it just dawned on me as my understanding of Christ often does...I couldnt Fathom the amount of Love he had in his soul...to love EVERYONE as much as I loved you.
Now I can almost fathom other things Jesus went through. Sacrifice.
Mom forgot to mention one thing you left for me...
Emptiness.
But she said baby, look at the things he left for you here...
This is your answer.
She gave me the longest hug ever before she left.
She told me, He is doing what he feels is right, he wasnt ready for you, he may never be. But you have to let him do this, even if he isnt coming back to you. I know she is worried about me coming out of this alive. I told her goodbye and when she left, fell to the floor to cry once again.
God, when will my time come to live life with happiness? When will my suffering end? When will you bring him back to me?
...never let go
Christopher walked out on me today...
The shock is gone and the pain has set in. I am dying.
He tore my heart in little pieces and let them lay there on the floor as I begged him to stay. I pleaded for him to stay that Id make myself better Id do anything for him to stay...he denied me. He looked away and said he wishes I understood. His cousin said to me, just let him go, and I replied "Would you let him go?" she didnt reply...
I am so scared and helpless, my world just left me. I told myself I didnt want to answer his calls, then it scared me that he wasnt calling at all... so I broke down and called him, only to have my pleas denied once again.
Why have I become so easy to walk away from?
How could he just say he made a mistake?
Baby, I love you more than this breath I am dreadfully breathing right now. No one could ever understand our love. No one will ever know the sacrifices we have made for eachother... but now I am the one being sacrificed. He said he didnt know if there was someone out there better for him when I asked if he thought there was. In fact, the only thing he said to most of my questioning and pleas is just that... "I dont know"
I need him so bad god... GOD PLEASE bring him back to me, I double my promises to never forsake this man. I swore I would give my life for this man, but is this what has become? Am I to give myself internal death for his happiness..God why was I not enough. Please answer me this time, I have spent over a year opening my life to you, allowing you to mold me and become what you want of your children,,,, what lesson am i to learn from this? Can you hear me? Bring him back to me... please please please......
"I turned the world upside down just to be with you"
I had to leave a message because he wont answer my calls anymore...
Im not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of losing you... your the only reason im trying...everything is clear to me, till i hit reality and i lose it all...i lose itall....
I have lost it all...
I thought he loved me enough to get through this. I thought being together was enough, and at times I didnt believe was enough and he stopped me and made me see... it was. I want to be there with him so badly, I want to be in his arms rght now, I dont want these tears to burn through my eyes anymore... Baby...
come back to me.
I never looked away from you.... or our love, I never planned for anything other than to love you and only you for the rest of our lives...
I pictured our future over and over again, and i was scared, but you were by my side. I can't go on without you my love. I refuse to live until I am living with you. Don't let this be the end of what we were meant to become...You know god gave us free will...and yet you know he inspired our love... He will forgive us baby. He will. I know this.
The shock is gone and the pain has set in. I am dying.
He tore my heart in little pieces and let them lay there on the floor as I begged him to stay. I pleaded for him to stay that Id make myself better Id do anything for him to stay...he denied me. He looked away and said he wishes I understood. His cousin said to me, just let him go, and I replied "Would you let him go?" she didnt reply...
I am so scared and helpless, my world just left me. I told myself I didnt want to answer his calls, then it scared me that he wasnt calling at all... so I broke down and called him, only to have my pleas denied once again.
Why have I become so easy to walk away from?
How could he just say he made a mistake?
Baby, I love you more than this breath I am dreadfully breathing right now. No one could ever understand our love. No one will ever know the sacrifices we have made for eachother... but now I am the one being sacrificed. He said he didnt know if there was someone out there better for him when I asked if he thought there was. In fact, the only thing he said to most of my questioning and pleas is just that... "I dont know"
I need him so bad god... GOD PLEASE bring him back to me, I double my promises to never forsake this man. I swore I would give my life for this man, but is this what has become? Am I to give myself internal death for his happiness..God why was I not enough. Please answer me this time, I have spent over a year opening my life to you, allowing you to mold me and become what you want of your children,,,, what lesson am i to learn from this? Can you hear me? Bring him back to me... please please please......
"I turned the world upside down just to be with you"
I had to leave a message because he wont answer my calls anymore...
Im not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of losing you... your the only reason im trying...everything is clear to me, till i hit reality and i lose it all...i lose itall....
I have lost it all...
I thought he loved me enough to get through this. I thought being together was enough, and at times I didnt believe was enough and he stopped me and made me see... it was. I want to be there with him so badly, I want to be in his arms rght now, I dont want these tears to burn through my eyes anymore... Baby...
come back to me.
I never looked away from you.... or our love, I never planned for anything other than to love you and only you for the rest of our lives...
I pictured our future over and over again, and i was scared, but you were by my side. I can't go on without you my love. I refuse to live until I am living with you. Don't let this be the end of what we were meant to become...You know god gave us free will...and yet you know he inspired our love... He will forgive us baby. He will. I know this.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Trying to break away...
I feel like I am a million miles from home. I feel like I am so far gone from who I want to be.
Like I will never be right inside...That my soul will never recreate my mind.
I wish I could erase who I have become and start over.
I fight myself day and night.
I hate this person inside of me...
I need to revive this death inside of me. I am carrying around this emptiness like it still belongs to me.
I want to let it go... but it comes out in my words..
it comes out as such an evil darkness that I spend so much of my time wishing I could not speak.
I am crying out more than I can breath...
NO MORE PAIN....
I want to fall away from who I am
I want to walk away from these ways
I want to speak from my heart...has my heart become so cold?
My chest hurts with anger of my past
Why cant I escape?
Like I will never be right inside...That my soul will never recreate my mind.
I wish I could erase who I have become and start over.
I fight myself day and night.
I hate this person inside of me...
I need to revive this death inside of me. I am carrying around this emptiness like it still belongs to me.
I want to let it go... but it comes out in my words..
it comes out as such an evil darkness that I spend so much of my time wishing I could not speak.
I am crying out more than I can breath...
NO MORE PAIN....
I want to fall away from who I am
I want to walk away from these ways
I want to speak from my heart...has my heart become so cold?
My chest hurts with anger of my past
Why cant I escape?
Sunday, December 11, 2005
There is nothing left of you...
December 11th 2005
There is nothing left of you…
I hear you
Calling out for me tonight
I am so interrupted
Don’t know which way I am going
Can’t remember where I have been
I am just running
Staring at the light in the distance
Let me go…
Don’t make this harder on us both
You killed me
You ripped my soul from my skin and pretended to be true
Go... there is no place for you here
You bled my heart and thrived from its essence
You walked with your head held high
My body lying shaken on the ground in your shadow
You never looked back for a moment
You never thought… What Have I done?
Decisions were simple when you were the one in control
Life was beautiful when things went your way
And your way was the only way
My words were held like water in your paper heart
My love for you was a pretty little granule of sand sitting in your palm
Easily thrown down to the ground and forgotten
Once I was your goddess, you my precious love
I am not fallen anymore love
You have no power here
God did Not take me that fateful night as I begged for his mercy
He left me, silent he remained
He did not comfort and shield me from the agony of being dead inside
He did not give me my dying breath as I wished
No words of comfort rang true to me
Nothing was left in my world without you
He let me hurt, he let me cry
He let me dance with the devil in the light of the moon
He left the memory of you deep within me love
And Now…
Now I know why
You are the curse breathed of the foulest kind
You are death within life
Within YOU is nothing without another lifting you high
Within you is an emptiness suited for the darkest of Gods creatures
You know not heaven or hell, only what is before you
YOU are broken with no where to turn
I see it in your eyes and like an angel of mercy I tried to take you away from your pain
You will never be the crescent moon in my silent night
What an angry soul you hold inside
What a tangled web you weave, and I am no longer entangled in it with you
I am without you
And my name will ring that light of happiness you once knew
You will be the one left in the darkness of this world
You will be the one left with less than a spark of hope
Every night you will look upon yourself and wonder where you went wrong
Every night you will fall asleep praying to not be awakened
God will not answer your prayers
Just as he did not answer mine that night
He has His plan, and he doesn’t play by your rules
You will suffer through what you have created
No second chances, there is only one chance in this lifetime
Either you take it or you don’t
I have been chosen, one of the precious few
Everything is going according to plan
God did not forsake me, he embraced me
You were lead blindly out of my life
You, confused and swearing you will always love me,
Me, fighting to keep you in my arms
But see it’s not your fault…
You know not what you do
You know not what you ran into, when You ran into me
You were to never receive what I am
Only to taste what an angel is
A fallen angel with a lonely human soul
I was not allowed to love until my eyes were truly opened to my path
But I did. I gave you the purest love and I recall your words
“I can’t believe someone loves me this much”
If you were the one, you’d have known
We are ALL loved THAT much
Jesus loves each and every one of us THAT much
If you were the one, you’d have believed
And now, many moons after you, I have risen again
Risen, holding the hand of god
Risen, standing in his magnificent light
Risen, walking a well lit path of love and truth
God has sent me one of my own kind
The one he has prepared me for my whole life
He has sent me one of his most beautiful angels to walk by my side
One who has fought to remove the ashes left by YOU
One who has been so patient with my tears
One who has been blessed by your absence
Your walking away and allowing me to grow
Saving me from years of continuing in the wrong direction
My angel was blessed by what you could not hold
He was blessed by what you could not understand
He was blessed by your ignorance
You will never be the one
There is nothing left of you
There is nothing left of you…
I hear you
Calling out for me tonight
I am so interrupted
Don’t know which way I am going
Can’t remember where I have been
I am just running
Staring at the light in the distance
Let me go…
Don’t make this harder on us both
You killed me
You ripped my soul from my skin and pretended to be true
Go... there is no place for you here
You bled my heart and thrived from its essence
You walked with your head held high
My body lying shaken on the ground in your shadow
You never looked back for a moment
You never thought… What Have I done?
Decisions were simple when you were the one in control
Life was beautiful when things went your way
And your way was the only way
My words were held like water in your paper heart
My love for you was a pretty little granule of sand sitting in your palm
Easily thrown down to the ground and forgotten
Once I was your goddess, you my precious love
I am not fallen anymore love
You have no power here
God did Not take me that fateful night as I begged for his mercy
He left me, silent he remained
He did not comfort and shield me from the agony of being dead inside
He did not give me my dying breath as I wished
No words of comfort rang true to me
Nothing was left in my world without you
He let me hurt, he let me cry
He let me dance with the devil in the light of the moon
He left the memory of you deep within me love
And Now…
Now I know why
You are the curse breathed of the foulest kind
You are death within life
Within YOU is nothing without another lifting you high
Within you is an emptiness suited for the darkest of Gods creatures
You know not heaven or hell, only what is before you
YOU are broken with no where to turn
I see it in your eyes and like an angel of mercy I tried to take you away from your pain
You will never be the crescent moon in my silent night
What an angry soul you hold inside
What a tangled web you weave, and I am no longer entangled in it with you
I am without you
And my name will ring that light of happiness you once knew
You will be the one left in the darkness of this world
You will be the one left with less than a spark of hope
Every night you will look upon yourself and wonder where you went wrong
Every night you will fall asleep praying to not be awakened
God will not answer your prayers
Just as he did not answer mine that night
He has His plan, and he doesn’t play by your rules
You will suffer through what you have created
No second chances, there is only one chance in this lifetime
Either you take it or you don’t
I have been chosen, one of the precious few
Everything is going according to plan
God did not forsake me, he embraced me
You were lead blindly out of my life
You, confused and swearing you will always love me,
Me, fighting to keep you in my arms
But see it’s not your fault…
You know not what you do
You know not what you ran into, when You ran into me
You were to never receive what I am
Only to taste what an angel is
A fallen angel with a lonely human soul
I was not allowed to love until my eyes were truly opened to my path
But I did. I gave you the purest love and I recall your words
“I can’t believe someone loves me this much”
If you were the one, you’d have known
We are ALL loved THAT much
Jesus loves each and every one of us THAT much
If you were the one, you’d have believed
And now, many moons after you, I have risen again
Risen, holding the hand of god
Risen, standing in his magnificent light
Risen, walking a well lit path of love and truth
God has sent me one of my own kind
The one he has prepared me for my whole life
He has sent me one of his most beautiful angels to walk by my side
One who has fought to remove the ashes left by YOU
One who has been so patient with my tears
One who has been blessed by your absence
Your walking away and allowing me to grow
Saving me from years of continuing in the wrong direction
My angel was blessed by what you could not hold
He was blessed by what you could not understand
He was blessed by your ignorance
You will never be the one
There is nothing left of you
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Tell me...
Look at me. Tell me can you see what is killing me?
Can you see the thoughts I fight every day and night?
Can you tell me what I do that has been wrong is suddenly right?
When I dream, is it you standing there waiting for me?
Where do you see us in the end?
How happy will we be?
Will there be anything left to smile about?
What will be left to make us laugh?
Do emotions really run dry? Is it inevitable?
Are they here now, and trickle out until there is nothing left?
Look at me, here I go again.
So lost.
I can’t see any further than what I am now
I can’t help but doubt what I will become
I can’t help but fight falling
The thought of being complete is killing me
The thought of the search being over is not what I had in mind
But here it is, before me, and I tremble and twist every emotion until it doesn’t feel so nice
I’m hiding.
I like it when you can’t find me
I like knowing your thinking about me
It’s me.
Will I change?
Do people Ever change?
I never thought that I could love someone so much that I hate it.
What IF love isn’t enough?
What if Love is the only reason we are... what we are?
Am I missing something? Is there something I’m not able to perceive?
IS love enough?
Is that all we need to write happily ever after?
Why am I so afraid to know?
Why does it seem I am looking for more questions?
Why can’t I just let it be simple?
Why can’t I just KNOW that in 23 years, we will be looking back to these times and laughing with one another… will we?
Will we learn to hate one another?
Will we be disappointed?
Will we regret our decision based on love?
Will we say to ourselves, where was the logical thinking.
Will we be old and bitter?
Will I wonder what happened to the way I used to gaze at you with the sparkle of life emanating from my soul?
Why do I push you away?
Tell me. Please.
Can you see the thoughts I fight every day and night?
Can you tell me what I do that has been wrong is suddenly right?
When I dream, is it you standing there waiting for me?
Where do you see us in the end?
How happy will we be?
Will there be anything left to smile about?
What will be left to make us laugh?
Do emotions really run dry? Is it inevitable?
Are they here now, and trickle out until there is nothing left?
Look at me, here I go again.
So lost.
I can’t see any further than what I am now
I can’t help but doubt what I will become
I can’t help but fight falling
The thought of being complete is killing me
The thought of the search being over is not what I had in mind
But here it is, before me, and I tremble and twist every emotion until it doesn’t feel so nice
I’m hiding.
I like it when you can’t find me
I like knowing your thinking about me
It’s me.
Will I change?
Do people Ever change?
I never thought that I could love someone so much that I hate it.
What IF love isn’t enough?
What if Love is the only reason we are... what we are?
Am I missing something? Is there something I’m not able to perceive?
IS love enough?
Is that all we need to write happily ever after?
Why am I so afraid to know?
Why does it seem I am looking for more questions?
Why can’t I just let it be simple?
Why can’t I just KNOW that in 23 years, we will be looking back to these times and laughing with one another… will we?
Will we learn to hate one another?
Will we be disappointed?
Will we regret our decision based on love?
Will we say to ourselves, where was the logical thinking.
Will we be old and bitter?
Will I wonder what happened to the way I used to gaze at you with the sparkle of life emanating from my soul?
Why do I push you away?
Tell me. Please.
Slipping from truth...
Searching my soul tonight
For a simple answer or ray of light
I cannot stand long enough to fight
Between what is wrong and what was right
Searching my heart within
There are so many places to begin
Its always cold its always dim
I just need to be with him
I am closing my eyes this time
He is much stronger than I am
There are so many miles between us
So many hours of time
So many faces and lives passing me by
So many worlds I will never be a part of
Why cant I breath his kiss?
Why cant I be in His world?
Why cant he be touching me?
Why is he pushing me away?
HE gave me life and is taking it away
He is tearing my soul, day by day
Where is my faith in what was meant to be?
Why am I not good enough for him to be here with me?
I wanted to be his only star
I wanted to be the only one his heart needs
I wanted to be the arms that he ran to
I wanted to be the soul that he takes to heaven with him
I wanted to be the one he would die for
I wanted to be the most important thing in his life
I wanted to be the only person that came between him and me.
Where do I go with this?
When my thoughts are too much to share with him
When my tears are falling For him
When I have sacrificed myself for what he needs
I know time will heal these wounds
I know I have given him a love I did not know I had
I know he was the one meant for me
I know this, but are we only meant to know love for one another
And never get to experience the full means of what could be?
Why do I feel like I should let him be free
Why do I feel that I should make a decision that may kill us both
Why do I feel he would be better off without me in his life
Why do I feel I should have stopped this before it began
I feel like I am so deeply in love with him it may be unhealthy
I cant talk to him without feeling deprived
I can’t stop these thoughts that I Hate to think
These thoughts are so far from the truth and yet I Feel them
My feelings are not coinciding with reality
Have I lost reality altogether?
He has stopped confessing his love to me as we have spent many nights
He no longer gets excited to hear from me
He no longer wonders why I haven’t called yet
I am an emotional burden
And when I express my needs, he feels like he is inadequate
And when I hold them inside I feel neglected
I know that distance kills our relationship
And we have gotten to the point where we should be ready to live in each others lives
Yet we are not, we are stuck in this dull slump of nothing but empty, lonely time
I know how I feel and I know he doesn’t feel the same way
Which brings me to question if he has rethought every word he has ever said
Has he reconsidered what he wanted to be to me
Has he realized how difficult things truly are… in the real life?
I need to leave him alone.
It isn’t until you are without that you truly realize what you had.
I know I will miss him more than I will miss being alive after death
I know he is what I live for and the pain of missing him will keep me alive
I feel like a horrible ugly sin in his life
I feel like he feels guilty for loving me
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
What is so wrong with love?
Saturday, November 12, 2005
RUN...
I reach to the bottom and stir…
Feel, stop running.
Hiding yourself behind feeling too much, when you have in turn deprived yourself from all else.
Denying those you have found, those you have loved so passionately
Those your fire still burns for.
You will never be able to forget.
And yet you close your eyes and your soul shutters.
You KNOW…you know.
Their memory comes in songs and no other can be felt in the words
On my knees, hands tied behind myself… no pleads for mercy, no attempt to escape
Just dying to be owned. Dying to feel SO much Id never run away.
My wrists are sore, twisting to be free
My knees, weak and fragile, I want to rest where I never want to leave.
I want to fall and not get back up
I want to desire for eternity
I want to collide and Win for once.
Is that so wrong... What makes me so bad?
I want him to look at me and fuck the world…
I want him to push me down and hold me so fucking tight I can barely breathe
“I’m not going anywhere”
“I will fight with you”
“Fuck the world baby”
“I can’t believe you found me”
“I can’t believe where you take me”
Without you, I have never lived
Before you there was nothing
Now, there is everything and I will stop at nothing to build your castle
Stay here… no come with me, stand close behind and watch me do this... for You
You are my goddess
My soul
I will build this world around us, my hands will bleed and you will kiss them
No more pain, no more insanity.
Your thoughts are real, you KNEW… you knew and you are free now
Don’t run from your thoughts.
Don’t hide from your reality
You are the only one strong enough to hear the whispers
You are the only one not afraid of the worlds you must crash through
You are my porcelain goddess and I will worship thee with every second I am given
I don’t fear you’re leaving, for you fought so hard to get to me…
I rise to my feet and gaze at the beauty of our kingdom
What a beautiful place he has built around us
So secure, i'm not afraid.
Wait
I miss the fear
I miss the pain
I miss the aching of my heart to be consumed
I miss the tears, crying out for him
I miss his absence
I miss my insanity…
He looks away for a second
I run for the draw bridge
I scream… I fall.
He turns to see me run, starts running with such confusion in his eyes.
I can hear the quivering in my breath as I know not what compels me to run
I run so fast and never look back... until the screams disappear
Till he can no longer find me
Until I am free once again.
I throw myself down wildly to the ground, I cry so hard my heart feels like it has been shattered, the pieces tearing their way through my veins, body shaking, blood running from my knees.
I’m so lonely
So alone
And for a moment there is no emotion left to feel.
Only numbness I find all too familiar
A silence I dread
A wide eyed woman in her search for love
I nurse my wounds and admire my bruises
For a moment I am to be free, but a prisoner to one
I can never run from myself.
Feel, stop running.
Hiding yourself behind feeling too much, when you have in turn deprived yourself from all else.
Denying those you have found, those you have loved so passionately
Those your fire still burns for.
You will never be able to forget.
And yet you close your eyes and your soul shutters.
You KNOW…you know.
Their memory comes in songs and no other can be felt in the words
On my knees, hands tied behind myself… no pleads for mercy, no attempt to escape
Just dying to be owned. Dying to feel SO much Id never run away.
My wrists are sore, twisting to be free
My knees, weak and fragile, I want to rest where I never want to leave.
I want to fall and not get back up
I want to desire for eternity
I want to collide and Win for once.
Is that so wrong... What makes me so bad?
I want him to look at me and fuck the world…
I want him to push me down and hold me so fucking tight I can barely breathe
“I’m not going anywhere”
“I will fight with you”
“Fuck the world baby”
“I can’t believe you found me”
“I can’t believe where you take me”
Without you, I have never lived
Before you there was nothing
Now, there is everything and I will stop at nothing to build your castle
Stay here… no come with me, stand close behind and watch me do this... for You
You are my goddess
My soul
I will build this world around us, my hands will bleed and you will kiss them
No more pain, no more insanity.
Your thoughts are real, you KNEW… you knew and you are free now
Don’t run from your thoughts.
Don’t hide from your reality
You are the only one strong enough to hear the whispers
You are the only one not afraid of the worlds you must crash through
You are my porcelain goddess and I will worship thee with every second I am given
I don’t fear you’re leaving, for you fought so hard to get to me…
I rise to my feet and gaze at the beauty of our kingdom
What a beautiful place he has built around us
So secure, i'm not afraid.
Wait
I miss the fear
I miss the pain
I miss the aching of my heart to be consumed
I miss the tears, crying out for him
I miss his absence
I miss my insanity…
He looks away for a second
I run for the draw bridge
I scream… I fall.
He turns to see me run, starts running with such confusion in his eyes.
I can hear the quivering in my breath as I know not what compels me to run
I run so fast and never look back... until the screams disappear
Till he can no longer find me
Until I am free once again.
I throw myself down wildly to the ground, I cry so hard my heart feels like it has been shattered, the pieces tearing their way through my veins, body shaking, blood running from my knees.
I’m so lonely
So alone
And for a moment there is no emotion left to feel.
Only numbness I find all too familiar
A silence I dread
A wide eyed woman in her search for love
I nurse my wounds and admire my bruises
For a moment I am to be free, but a prisoner to one
I can never run from myself.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Shhh...
His eyes, like gentle veils of mist welcoming the morning sun.
Stolen… my breath. I know not how to breathe
All the world has left… he pulls me into his arms with his hand wrapped in my hair
I welcome this serenity he has created in my honor.
Through a tiny keyhole… he allows me to view… the door never locked, some things are more beautiful when they do not know you are watching them…
And I watched.. With such intent... I looked.
This creator of sights, this liver of dreams,
Reaches out for my hand and dances with me in the candle light set before us
Sifting through the ashes of the fires burned before this day
Smoldering as the wind places her caress within the fragile debris
Our beings simply dance throughout the night.
Left behind the guilt that whispers in the shadows
Released the worries that encase and paralyze what we truly are, having been spun into its dismal web
Fall free from all that ever was and Be.
For once we are alive within one another’s souls, even just for a moment as we close our eyes and see Still.
The end won’t come so quietly…
Our skin not abandoned with time but embraced by the memory of what was.
The everlasting wake created by the passionate crash into my existence.
To worship in blindness of what tomorrow brings
To kiss the lips whose touch may never bestow upon yours ever again…
Shhh… The thunderstorm is here… holding me into its glory. Let’s just Be.
Stolen… my breath. I know not how to breathe
All the world has left… he pulls me into his arms with his hand wrapped in my hair
I welcome this serenity he has created in my honor.
Through a tiny keyhole… he allows me to view… the door never locked, some things are more beautiful when they do not know you are watching them…
And I watched.. With such intent... I looked.
This creator of sights, this liver of dreams,
Reaches out for my hand and dances with me in the candle light set before us
Sifting through the ashes of the fires burned before this day
Smoldering as the wind places her caress within the fragile debris
Our beings simply dance throughout the night.
Left behind the guilt that whispers in the shadows
Released the worries that encase and paralyze what we truly are, having been spun into its dismal web
Fall free from all that ever was and Be.
For once we are alive within one another’s souls, even just for a moment as we close our eyes and see Still.
The end won’t come so quietly…
Our skin not abandoned with time but embraced by the memory of what was.
The everlasting wake created by the passionate crash into my existence.
To worship in blindness of what tomorrow brings
To kiss the lips whose touch may never bestow upon yours ever again…
Shhh… The thunderstorm is here… holding me into its glory. Let’s just Be.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
AN ongoing confession of love...
I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me,
the sound of his voice when he is serious about something,
the way his hair tries to escape from his head in the morning.
I love the way he finds a need to stop everything he is doing to tell me he loves me.
the way my one single word can double his heartbeat.
how he thinks about me every waking hour.
How he dreams about me … when we can’t be together.
I love the way he is so gentle with me, emotionally, physically
I love the way he revolves around me.
that he never makes me feel like I am too much.
..Or too little.
I love that we both know how lucky we truly are.
I love that he wants to marry me, only me, that I am the Only woman he has ever loved, how he cherishes my existence as if there were nothing before or after…me.
I love thinking about the love that he will have for his children and mine.
Knowing that one day I will be able to show him what love at first sight is,
Knowing that he will never deny this love we have discovered… this precious… precious love
I love thinking about how close the time is coming to when we never have to be apart again, where we can spend every single night for the rest of our lives lying in one another’s arms…forever. We have come so far baby.
I love the woman he has made me want to become, not by asking but by loving me.
I adore and admire him so much that his love for me helped me realize how amazing I am. If this wonderful person could believe in me, love me, trust me… then maybe I’m not so bad after all.
It took a love full circle to teach me to love myself….
My loving this person completely... the first person I have ever been able to love this way.
Being loved completely, never having to worry about scaring him away with my tears.
I can close my eyes tonight knowing I am loved, knowing my twin soul has come back to me, and Nothing can take that away from me. Not even death can tear my heart from him again. I know God has blessed me.
There are not enough words to describe this intensity…
There will never be enough…
But I will die trying to find them.
the sound of his voice when he is serious about something,
the way his hair tries to escape from his head in the morning.
I love the way he finds a need to stop everything he is doing to tell me he loves me.
the way my one single word can double his heartbeat.
how he thinks about me every waking hour.
How he dreams about me … when we can’t be together.
I love the way he is so gentle with me, emotionally, physically
I love the way he revolves around me.
that he never makes me feel like I am too much.
..Or too little.
I love that we both know how lucky we truly are.
I love that he wants to marry me, only me, that I am the Only woman he has ever loved, how he cherishes my existence as if there were nothing before or after…me.
I love thinking about the love that he will have for his children and mine.
Knowing that one day I will be able to show him what love at first sight is,
Knowing that he will never deny this love we have discovered… this precious… precious love
I love thinking about how close the time is coming to when we never have to be apart again, where we can spend every single night for the rest of our lives lying in one another’s arms…forever. We have come so far baby.
I love the woman he has made me want to become, not by asking but by loving me.
I adore and admire him so much that his love for me helped me realize how amazing I am. If this wonderful person could believe in me, love me, trust me… then maybe I’m not so bad after all.
It took a love full circle to teach me to love myself….
My loving this person completely... the first person I have ever been able to love this way.
Being loved completely, never having to worry about scaring him away with my tears.
I can close my eyes tonight knowing I am loved, knowing my twin soul has come back to me, and Nothing can take that away from me. Not even death can tear my heart from him again. I know God has blessed me.
There are not enough words to describe this intensity…
There will never be enough…
But I will die trying to find them.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Im sorry...
Im sorry for all of your tears
Who’d have known loving me would be so hard.
Im sorry that I loved you silently as you begged me to just say I love you
Im sorry that I couldn’t speak when you wished I could
Id give anything to talk to you and tell you that I will never leave you
Sometimes when I miss the sadness I imagine your gone
I imagine you couldn’t love me the way I need to be loved.
I imagine my heart was too shattered for you to repair
I imagine the distance was one mile too far
I imagine my mistakes were unforgivable
And I cry…
Then I lay my head back down on my pillow and Stare at the wall
Feeling the shock through my body…
My self therapy
And I begin to love you more than I ever have before
I begin to imagine our promises we have made
I imagine the nights we laughed and held one another so close
I remember the simple things..
I remember the times we were so complicated with confusion
I remember how we chose love over all else
How suddenly nothing else mattered but being together
How I promised to never forsake you… my gift from heaven
How you had given me your heart and soul…and a ring that keeps me going until you are here.
I will remember every step no matter how big or small that brought us closer day by day
I will remember Everything.
You have taken my life and made each day Burn a beautiful memory into my soul
You have made every day worth counting and every night worth reminiscing
You have given me a life by your side and there is no where else I would rather be
No where. I belong to you.
Dedicated to My sweetest thing
Christopher Ryan Pearson
October 28th 2005
Who’d have known loving me would be so hard.
Im sorry that I loved you silently as you begged me to just say I love you
Im sorry that I couldn’t speak when you wished I could
Id give anything to talk to you and tell you that I will never leave you
Sometimes when I miss the sadness I imagine your gone
I imagine you couldn’t love me the way I need to be loved.
I imagine my heart was too shattered for you to repair
I imagine the distance was one mile too far
I imagine my mistakes were unforgivable
And I cry…
Then I lay my head back down on my pillow and Stare at the wall
Feeling the shock through my body…
My self therapy
And I begin to love you more than I ever have before
I begin to imagine our promises we have made
I imagine the nights we laughed and held one another so close
I remember the simple things..
I remember the times we were so complicated with confusion
I remember how we chose love over all else
How suddenly nothing else mattered but being together
How I promised to never forsake you… my gift from heaven
How you had given me your heart and soul…and a ring that keeps me going until you are here.
I will remember every step no matter how big or small that brought us closer day by day
I will remember Everything.
You have taken my life and made each day Burn a beautiful memory into my soul
You have made every day worth counting and every night worth reminiscing
You have given me a life by your side and there is no where else I would rather be
No where. I belong to you.
Dedicated to My sweetest thing
Christopher Ryan Pearson
October 28th 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
For my love...
An angel lays before me and I fathom at this sight.
His body lie resting in the sunlight…
I step closer quietly careful to preserve the silence.
I can see a glow around him, so clearly
What have I done to deserve such a wonderful being?
What more can I do to keep him here always?
Many nights before, I have dreamt of him
Now he is here and I am in awe.
When he wakes, the world will not fall apart…
When he wakes it will still be a reality far from dream
…shhhh….
His eyes are opening…
Slowly he moves his body and takes in the morning air,
He moves his head to find me…and he takes in a breath of relief.
My angel was born to fall
To fall into my life with such grace and determination.
Never once losing faith in me
Never once losing faith in the love he felt for me.
Never once looking away after he knew where it was he had to find me
He traveled through depths of souls…
Spinning circles around them, searching.
Seeking out his gift.
Alone he traveled, so sure of what it was he needed to find
Never settling for less.
And now he is here…
Neither one of are quite sure which of us are the true angel.
But if I am the angel he truly believes I am
And this is the gift I have fallen for,
The existence I chose Over heaven
If this is the soul I needed, before I was ready for heaven
I accept this angel. Open arms.
I will love him into eternity and never look back.
When you have such beauty before you…
You have no need to look behind any longer.
Dedicated to my precious angel I have longed to live for
And die With. Christopher Ryan Pearson.
October 26th 2005
His body lie resting in the sunlight…
I step closer quietly careful to preserve the silence.
I can see a glow around him, so clearly
What have I done to deserve such a wonderful being?
What more can I do to keep him here always?
Many nights before, I have dreamt of him
Now he is here and I am in awe.
When he wakes, the world will not fall apart…
When he wakes it will still be a reality far from dream
…shhhh….
His eyes are opening…
Slowly he moves his body and takes in the morning air,
He moves his head to find me…and he takes in a breath of relief.
My angel was born to fall
To fall into my life with such grace and determination.
Never once losing faith in me
Never once losing faith in the love he felt for me.
Never once looking away after he knew where it was he had to find me
He traveled through depths of souls…
Spinning circles around them, searching.
Seeking out his gift.
Alone he traveled, so sure of what it was he needed to find
Never settling for less.
And now he is here…
Neither one of are quite sure which of us are the true angel.
But if I am the angel he truly believes I am
And this is the gift I have fallen for,
The existence I chose Over heaven
If this is the soul I needed, before I was ready for heaven
I accept this angel. Open arms.
I will love him into eternity and never look back.
When you have such beauty before you…
You have no need to look behind any longer.
Dedicated to my precious angel I have longed to live for
And die With. Christopher Ryan Pearson.
October 26th 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
First Love?
August 12th 2005
“What it takes” Can you believe I used to listen to this song every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed thinking about Ryan Shinkle…hehe!
I thought I was so in love with that boy. Don’t get me wrong, I ended up deeply caring for him as a good friend, like a brother actually. I miss him so much, but I know he is out there now living his life in the Army over seas. He is probably enjoying his life so much more than if he were to stay here with me. Well I can at least hope I am right. Chris tells me, he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to be with me.
What is a first love? There are so many degrees of love that I only know the things that I have loved the most. As your first love, does it have to be requited? Did that person have to love you too in order for your feelings to have been valid? Do you Always love your first love? Is that Allowed? It seems every time I changed or grew, I loved someone different for different reasons. If you no longer love them, does that little boy I thought I loved as a young child still count as my first love? What are the Qualifications? I wonder if I was ever some ones first love. YES! I am! I am Christopher’s first love. (
I always see these shows where people are reunited with their first loves after years and years and they still have these feelings for this person even after a failed marriage. Is harboring such feelings for another right? Or did the feelings disappear for the time of the marriage? Does anyone ever truly know what love is? Isn’t or Shouldn’t love be permanent? Forever? If it doesn’t last forever, was it even love at all? I believe I love Christy More than I have ever loved anyone. I believe I love him more than I ever even knew I could love. Loving him has made me feel so alive. Even in my darkest hour, his love for me gives me light… A light that I never want to go away. For the first time, someone has been able to pull me out of any negative moods I have tangled myself into.
“Everything I do, I do it for you” Up until recent months I thought this was the cheesiest song ever. I no longer believed that Any human being on this earth aside from myself could ever feel this way about another. “I would give it all. I would Sacrifice.” Is this not what Chris and I have done for each other? More so on his part I believe. Leaving his family, friends, his whole life…just to be with me. Leaving everything he has ever known because I could not meet him in the middle. I listen to this song and I honestly know he would do any and all of these things for our love, and I love him so deeply because of this. He is “the one” I have always wanted. He has told me many times to please don’t question his love for me. He takes everything I say so seriously. He takes my words to heart, and I love that because it means not only is he listening, but also that he cares.
“What it takes” Can you believe I used to listen to this song every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed thinking about Ryan Shinkle…hehe!
I thought I was so in love with that boy. Don’t get me wrong, I ended up deeply caring for him as a good friend, like a brother actually. I miss him so much, but I know he is out there now living his life in the Army over seas. He is probably enjoying his life so much more than if he were to stay here with me. Well I can at least hope I am right. Chris tells me, he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to be with me.
What is a first love? There are so many degrees of love that I only know the things that I have loved the most. As your first love, does it have to be requited? Did that person have to love you too in order for your feelings to have been valid? Do you Always love your first love? Is that Allowed? It seems every time I changed or grew, I loved someone different for different reasons. If you no longer love them, does that little boy I thought I loved as a young child still count as my first love? What are the Qualifications? I wonder if I was ever some ones first love. YES! I am! I am Christopher’s first love. (
I always see these shows where people are reunited with their first loves after years and years and they still have these feelings for this person even after a failed marriage. Is harboring such feelings for another right? Or did the feelings disappear for the time of the marriage? Does anyone ever truly know what love is? Isn’t or Shouldn’t love be permanent? Forever? If it doesn’t last forever, was it even love at all? I believe I love Christy More than I have ever loved anyone. I believe I love him more than I ever even knew I could love. Loving him has made me feel so alive. Even in my darkest hour, his love for me gives me light… A light that I never want to go away. For the first time, someone has been able to pull me out of any negative moods I have tangled myself into.
“Everything I do, I do it for you” Up until recent months I thought this was the cheesiest song ever. I no longer believed that Any human being on this earth aside from myself could ever feel this way about another. “I would give it all. I would Sacrifice.” Is this not what Chris and I have done for each other? More so on his part I believe. Leaving his family, friends, his whole life…just to be with me. Leaving everything he has ever known because I could not meet him in the middle. I listen to this song and I honestly know he would do any and all of these things for our love, and I love him so deeply because of this. He is “the one” I have always wanted. He has told me many times to please don’t question his love for me. He takes everything I say so seriously. He takes my words to heart, and I love that because it means not only is he listening, but also that he cares.
Magic... (ben folds five lyrics)
From the back of your big brown eyes
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
And I hoped you would
We could see that you weren't yourself
And the lines on your face did tell
It's just as well
You'd never be yourself again
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath the blows these cool winds 'round
Trading places with an angel now
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
Saw you last night
Stars in the sky
Smiled in my room
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
And I hoped you would
We could see that you weren't yourself
And the lines on your face did tell
It's just as well
You'd never be yourself again
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath the blows these cool winds 'round
Trading places with an angel now
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
Saw you last night
Stars in the sky
Smiled in my room
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Maybe tomorrow...
Maybe tomorrow I will find my way home. Maybe tomorrow I will have a home to come home to. Maybe tomorrow My fiance will be standing here waiting for me... running to the door when he hears my car return..
Maybe then I will no longer cry. Maybe then I will no longer die in my loneliness. Maybe then I can breathe.
If only I could close my eyes until he returns, then would I be dreaming of his eyes so peacefully. Instead this ache this pain makes me hate every mile between us. So much anger, so much happiness. My concept of time is non- existant. Only that I live now and i hurt NOW. Knowing the future no longer takes that away. Is it so twisted to push away the one thing that makes you happy? Is it fucked up to not want to smile, to not want to laugh? Should I fall tonight, who would be here to pick me up? Should i lye in my bed dying, who will be here to kiss my head as I go? Should I cry, who will kiss away the tears?
NO ONE!
No one is coming to my rescue tonight. No one will hear me cry. No one will see me fall. No one will reach for my hand. Fuck this.
I cannot BE.. until your resting here with me!
Besides... if I were to smile tonight... who would be here to care.. who would be here to smile back?
No one.
Maybe then I will no longer cry. Maybe then I will no longer die in my loneliness. Maybe then I can breathe.
If only I could close my eyes until he returns, then would I be dreaming of his eyes so peacefully. Instead this ache this pain makes me hate every mile between us. So much anger, so much happiness. My concept of time is non- existant. Only that I live now and i hurt NOW. Knowing the future no longer takes that away. Is it so twisted to push away the one thing that makes you happy? Is it fucked up to not want to smile, to not want to laugh? Should I fall tonight, who would be here to pick me up? Should i lye in my bed dying, who will be here to kiss my head as I go? Should I cry, who will kiss away the tears?
NO ONE!
No one is coming to my rescue tonight. No one will hear me cry. No one will see me fall. No one will reach for my hand. Fuck this.
I cannot BE.. until your resting here with me!
Besides... if I were to smile tonight... who would be here to care.. who would be here to smile back?
No one.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Finally Engaged!!
Well....my good friend Rachel stood by my side the Whole time on the phone for the final hour before chris showed up at my door....
She talked me through it when I tried to run out the back door as they pulled up...lmao...
I hurried and turned on my favorite song for our relationship (I swear- Nick Lachey)
After Tiea sent me off on my way to the front door, I suprisingly opened it for him (as Id planned on making him stand out there for a good 45 minutes as I worked up the courage to open door) Amazingly enough I looked through the peep hole and couldnt let my baby wait any longer...
I opened the door and I looked up at the love of my life.. the man Id suspected to be my soulmate for many many months...the best friend I made back in January in WoW, the voice Id spent thousands of hours speaking to, laughing with, crying to.... loving.The face Id waited to know, my whole life was no longer an idea, but now a reality...
He looked at me and said something like...OMG and i said OMG and then he dropped his bags inside my door and gave me the hug we'd talked about for some time. He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and kissed my forehead as he'd always wished to do.I took him by the hand and led him around my apartment he has only seen through the lens of a web cam and i nervously showed him things that id talked about but couldnt show him...(minds out of the gutter plz =P)
Finally we sat on the oh so comfortable couch that id bragged about forevers and we just took in all the excitement of everything...finally being face to face... finally being able to look into one anothers eyes... i seriously remember him saying omg like 5 times before we even sat down...
SO we sat down and christopher decided it was time to give me the letter he had told me he had written a few nights prior....As i read it i smiled and giggled at his tardish ways i love so much, I felt my heart warming, I felt tears come to my eyes, he has always been able to get laughter and tears out of me so easily...
"Now turn to me and give me your hand"
*BLINK*
I turned to him and gave him my hand...
He said
"Baby...I love you so much...
I have given you my heart and my soul and the only thing left to do is for you to accept it"
*He pulled out the most beautiful ring in the world*
Now, Do you Accept it?"
SPeechless for one of the first times in my life, i looked at him and blinked...then I nodded a yes (omg i was nervous, i swear i planned a different reaction for the day he finally asked)
We were both so shaky as he placed the ring on my finger and i sat there shaky and smiling....(and yes giggling)
Engaged before our first kiss... I will always remember how people would ask me how I can love someone I never met.... In our hearts, we met January 23rd 2005, on a lonely day out in the wetlands...chasing a hordie newb and running into eachother... In our hearts, we have been waiting our whole lives just to be returned to one another once again...
I knew I loved christopher so much, Id have met him blindly at the altar on our wedding day...
My love, My precious, My Twin soul...
***Engaged September 23rd 2005***
She talked me through it when I tried to run out the back door as they pulled up...lmao...
I hurried and turned on my favorite song for our relationship (I swear- Nick Lachey)
After Tiea sent me off on my way to the front door, I suprisingly opened it for him (as Id planned on making him stand out there for a good 45 minutes as I worked up the courage to open door) Amazingly enough I looked through the peep hole and couldnt let my baby wait any longer...
I opened the door and I looked up at the love of my life.. the man Id suspected to be my soulmate for many many months...the best friend I made back in January in WoW, the voice Id spent thousands of hours speaking to, laughing with, crying to.... loving.The face Id waited to know, my whole life was no longer an idea, but now a reality...
He looked at me and said something like...OMG and i said OMG and then he dropped his bags inside my door and gave me the hug we'd talked about for some time. He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and kissed my forehead as he'd always wished to do.I took him by the hand and led him around my apartment he has only seen through the lens of a web cam and i nervously showed him things that id talked about but couldnt show him...(minds out of the gutter plz =P)
Finally we sat on the oh so comfortable couch that id bragged about forevers and we just took in all the excitement of everything...finally being face to face... finally being able to look into one anothers eyes... i seriously remember him saying omg like 5 times before we even sat down...
SO we sat down and christopher decided it was time to give me the letter he had told me he had written a few nights prior....As i read it i smiled and giggled at his tardish ways i love so much, I felt my heart warming, I felt tears come to my eyes, he has always been able to get laughter and tears out of me so easily...
"Now turn to me and give me your hand"
*BLINK*
I turned to him and gave him my hand...
He said
"Baby...I love you so much...
I have given you my heart and my soul and the only thing left to do is for you to accept it"
*He pulled out the most beautiful ring in the world*
Now, Do you Accept it?"
SPeechless for one of the first times in my life, i looked at him and blinked...then I nodded a yes (omg i was nervous, i swear i planned a different reaction for the day he finally asked)
We were both so shaky as he placed the ring on my finger and i sat there shaky and smiling....(and yes giggling)
Engaged before our first kiss... I will always remember how people would ask me how I can love someone I never met.... In our hearts, we met January 23rd 2005, on a lonely day out in the wetlands...chasing a hordie newb and running into eachother... In our hearts, we have been waiting our whole lives just to be returned to one another once again...
I knew I loved christopher so much, Id have met him blindly at the altar on our wedding day...
My love, My precious, My Twin soul...
***Engaged September 23rd 2005***
Sunday, June 12, 2005
"The air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy. The merest whisper of your name awakes in me a shuddering sixth sense. I am longing for a kiss that makes time stand still. "
************************************************************************************
I didn't get to go to church today... life seems to have gotten in the way and I will just leave it at that. I need some serenity and I just don't know where to find it anymore.
I thought to myself today, how only I know what I am doing in my life...Only I, can rationally explain to myself why I do what I do, and Why I feel the way I feel.
Only I know the Truth.
The Truth.
*sigh*
Tell me, why does it hurt so much when you speak the truth and no one hears you?
Why does it even matter to waste your breath to try and make clear to those who do not want to know the truth....they only want to know what makes them feel good?
People come to me when they want the truth..
I give them what they seek, no matter how hard it hits them.
They know that even if they stretch the truth a bit... I hear what they are really asking, I know what they want me to tell them, and it is hard... They know the truth... and yet they want that one true person out there to say it... Someone that does not exist inside their mind.. Someone real to say what it is they already know.
************************************************************************************
How many times must i crucify myself before i am free to breathe...
free to exist..
...to exist in ways I can only dream of, in ways that are so oblivious
i have not the intensity to imagine.
I have been called a free spirit over and over on my journey...
but what is it that makes me so free?
What is it about me that allows me to make decisions of free will making many paths i had to burn through with nights of tears and fear?
What do i possess that I have yet to find in another human being...
what are these thoughts, these ideas, these philosophies embedded in my soul?
*******************************************************************************
************************************************************************************
I didn't get to go to church today... life seems to have gotten in the way and I will just leave it at that. I need some serenity and I just don't know where to find it anymore.
I thought to myself today, how only I know what I am doing in my life...Only I, can rationally explain to myself why I do what I do, and Why I feel the way I feel.
Only I know the Truth.
The Truth.
*sigh*
Tell me, why does it hurt so much when you speak the truth and no one hears you?
Why does it even matter to waste your breath to try and make clear to those who do not want to know the truth....they only want to know what makes them feel good?
People come to me when they want the truth..
I give them what they seek, no matter how hard it hits them.
They know that even if they stretch the truth a bit... I hear what they are really asking, I know what they want me to tell them, and it is hard... They know the truth... and yet they want that one true person out there to say it... Someone that does not exist inside their mind.. Someone real to say what it is they already know.
************************************************************************************
How many times must i crucify myself before i am free to breathe...
free to exist..
...to exist in ways I can only dream of, in ways that are so oblivious
i have not the intensity to imagine.
I have been called a free spirit over and over on my journey...
but what is it that makes me so free?
What is it about me that allows me to make decisions of free will making many paths i had to burn through with nights of tears and fear?
What do i possess that I have yet to find in another human being...
what are these thoughts, these ideas, these philosophies embedded in my soul?
*******************************************************************************
Sunday, June 05, 2005
WInd...
(Derived from my written entry today)
I opened this book and the glare from the sunlight reflecting off of it blinded me for a moment and I smiled. Rarely have I been so accepting to the light, the heat, the warmth on my skin...
Perhaps if i must live without his touch..now that i think about it...
The sun and breeze have been touching me in many ways just like him.
Many people said they seen it long before I myself realized....when all i could see was fun and friendship...my best friend...Christopher!
The birds are singing so loud right now, reminds me of the sounds he always hears when we talk....that I have blocked out until recent days.
Today at church the pastor spoke of the wind...after I wrote this.
How you can See its effects, you can feel it...it can touch you... but you do not know where it came from, or where it is going.
He compares gods work to the wind.
I find it strange how many similarities I find in a good christian...the love of my life
how he makes me feel alive, feel hope, feel comfort from miles apon miles away...
and how the lord makes me feel the same way.
It is so beautiful.
Of course there are anxieties...but I am following the path all the way this time.
I have my eyes set forward, and despite the hardships I will have to endure...
I am not going into them Blindly.
I will overcome.
I will succeed.
Amen
I opened this book and the glare from the sunlight reflecting off of it blinded me for a moment and I smiled. Rarely have I been so accepting to the light, the heat, the warmth on my skin...
Perhaps if i must live without his touch..now that i think about it...
The sun and breeze have been touching me in many ways just like him.
Many people said they seen it long before I myself realized....when all i could see was fun and friendship...my best friend...Christopher!
The birds are singing so loud right now, reminds me of the sounds he always hears when we talk....that I have blocked out until recent days.
Today at church the pastor spoke of the wind...after I wrote this.
How you can See its effects, you can feel it...it can touch you... but you do not know where it came from, or where it is going.
He compares gods work to the wind.
I find it strange how many similarities I find in a good christian...the love of my life
how he makes me feel alive, feel hope, feel comfort from miles apon miles away...
and how the lord makes me feel the same way.
It is so beautiful.
Of course there are anxieties...but I am following the path all the way this time.
I have my eyes set forward, and despite the hardships I will have to endure...
I am not going into them Blindly.
I will overcome.
I will succeed.
Amen
Monday, May 30, 2005
All I've ever wanted *lyrics*
If you only knew
What I feel for you
If you only lived for me
the way I lived for you
I'd be in heaven
My dreams would come true
'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
Because I live and breathe for you
And I really need to know
That all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
Everything I do is for you
You are every part of me
And I don't want to face
Another day
Alone
Without
.... your love
'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
All I've ever wanted
Is you
What I feel for you
If you only lived for me
the way I lived for you
I'd be in heaven
My dreams would come true
'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
Because I live and breathe for you
And I really need to know
That all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
Everything I do is for you
You are every part of me
And I don't want to face
Another day
Alone
Without
.... your love
'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
All I've ever wanted
Is you
Thursday, May 26, 2005
As the world falls down *lyrics*
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes,
a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes
There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world)
falling down
Falling in love
I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world falls)
FallingFalling
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
FallingAs the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
FallingFalling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Deep in your eyes,
a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes
There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world)
falling down
Falling in love
I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world falls)
FallingFalling
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
FallingAs the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
FallingFalling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
"The frozen moon" (2000)
October 8th 2000
The night carries a stilling calm
It has a way of empowering my soul
All at once it feeds me my highest point of mania....with my lowest trench of sadness....
The moon looks as though it has been Frozen in a black pond
...and it will not move until the morning sun thaws it out
It is different than most nights
Every breath I take is crisp
...I can hear it
tearing through the silence
It is as if it is my first breath
Does the night poison my mind?
With its blanket of darkness I feel a different part of my soul come to life.
I often wish for eternal darkness
To me, the night is the most beautiful thing on this earth.
I hold the rain second highest to it.....Especially storms.
I would like to live in a world...that it is forever night...with a storm always on the wind...
Oh...what a wonderous place!
FairEden'
The night carries a stilling calm
It has a way of empowering my soul
All at once it feeds me my highest point of mania....with my lowest trench of sadness....
The moon looks as though it has been Frozen in a black pond
...and it will not move until the morning sun thaws it out
It is different than most nights
Every breath I take is crisp
...I can hear it
tearing through the silence
It is as if it is my first breath
Does the night poison my mind?
With its blanket of darkness I feel a different part of my soul come to life.
I often wish for eternal darkness
To me, the night is the most beautiful thing on this earth.
I hold the rain second highest to it.....Especially storms.
I would like to live in a world...that it is forever night...with a storm always on the wind...
Oh...what a wonderous place!
FairEden'
This I promise you *lyrics*
When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...
Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..This I promise you..
Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...
And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby
Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...
"Decide" 2003
Life is like a river...it flows
sometimes you drift down the river slowly
enjoying the scenery
taking your time
to breath in
sometimes you run into the rapids
that throw you around
fast moving
exciting
scary
all in the same instance
then you come to a point in your river
there is a branch embedded into the side ofthe riverbank
trapped....caked in debree and mud
standing still
this branch was once part of a great tree
a living thriving tree
it once flowed within the river
of life
now it stands still as life passes
this branch is not dead
you see one tiny green leaf growing from its almost pathetic grey bark
you see hope
you grab onto this branch and you hold onto it
life passes you by for a while
you refuse to let go of this branch
this once beautiful branch
you know if you could only set it free...it will grow and strive again
the river flows on and slowly pulls you
harder and harder
your grip grows weak
your palms become bloody
being torn from this branch
you feel this pain as your blood drips into the water
diluted....
floats away
You are pulled further and further down the branch
you are now facing this tiny green leaf
one last time you strengthen your grasp
you cannot risk tearing off this tiny green leaf
the leaf sets...right there in your face
you are so close to it
you see tiny buds around it
with tears in your eyes you have to decide
do you give up and let go of this branch, again releasing yourself into this river of life?
Do you hold on just a little while longer while time stands still?
While you risk losing your soul?
Do you find a way to crawl out of the river and lie there in the mud watching to see if this branch will grow without you saving it?
slowly becomming embedded yourself?
sometimes you drift down the river slowly
enjoying the scenery
taking your time
to breath in
sometimes you run into the rapids
that throw you around
fast moving
exciting
scary
all in the same instance
then you come to a point in your river
there is a branch embedded into the side ofthe riverbank
trapped....caked in debree and mud
standing still
this branch was once part of a great tree
a living thriving tree
it once flowed within the river
of life
now it stands still as life passes
this branch is not dead
you see one tiny green leaf growing from its almost pathetic grey bark
you see hope
you grab onto this branch and you hold onto it
life passes you by for a while
you refuse to let go of this branch
this once beautiful branch
you know if you could only set it free...it will grow and strive again
the river flows on and slowly pulls you
harder and harder
your grip grows weak
your palms become bloody
being torn from this branch
you feel this pain as your blood drips into the water
diluted....
floats away
You are pulled further and further down the branch
you are now facing this tiny green leaf
one last time you strengthen your grasp
you cannot risk tearing off this tiny green leaf
the leaf sets...right there in your face
you are so close to it
you see tiny buds around it
with tears in your eyes you have to decide
do you give up and let go of this branch, again releasing yourself into this river of life?
Do you hold on just a little while longer while time stands still?
While you risk losing your soul?
Do you find a way to crawl out of the river and lie there in the mud watching to see if this branch will grow without you saving it?
slowly becomming embedded yourself?
Random 2003 entry
There will never be another tomorrow...
I know not the answers to the questions that riddle my mind.
I have battled so far alone...struggled...fallen..
only to bathe in my own sorry.
Left to learn to stand once again...
Left lying on the ground...staring at it with hate and pain in my eyes...
tears drowning my curses to god to take away this sufferance...to end this misery.
Take my life in empathy.
I have pleaded at night when only god can hear me...have mercy on my soul and let me go..
I know not the answers to the questions that riddle my mind.
I have battled so far alone...struggled...fallen..
only to bathe in my own sorry.
Left to learn to stand once again...
Left lying on the ground...staring at it with hate and pain in my eyes...
tears drowning my curses to god to take away this sufferance...to end this misery.
Take my life in empathy.
I have pleaded at night when only god can hear me...have mercy on my soul and let me go..
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
"A mistake" 2003
"A mistake is something you would have changed if given the chance"
Ever just need to write, and have no one to write to?
I feel like I have said everything I can to anyone I have felt the need to say things to.
Every day I exist here...on earth, so many stories.
Seems my failures have become more interesting than my sucesses.
No matter how hard one tries, you cannot completely dissappear from the world.
Even the ones who you love the most, end up hurting you the worst!
In their own ways they abandon you to live their own lives...and somehow forget to include you.
Parents....maybe it is just mine. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame my mistakes on. Maybe I just want recognition of my creation being a mistake. My whole life of failures resulting from one night...one mistake...one accident catipulting into a single person existing only to carry the burden of never knowing how to live.....but only knowing how to exist!
The only feeling I love by is emptiness. My eternal struggle to find the one.
The one who can take away the pain, take away the void. To give a mistake a purpose.
To find the one that makes everything look different.
The one that "can't" live without me, the way everyone else "can".
The one who thinks about m every breath he takes.
The one who will cradle my soul and take away the pain.
The one who will remove all doubt.
The one i can trust eternally.
Do you really think i will be unfulfilled my entire life?
Ever just need to write, and have no one to write to?
I feel like I have said everything I can to anyone I have felt the need to say things to.
Every day I exist here...on earth, so many stories.
Seems my failures have become more interesting than my sucesses.
No matter how hard one tries, you cannot completely dissappear from the world.
Even the ones who you love the most, end up hurting you the worst!
In their own ways they abandon you to live their own lives...and somehow forget to include you.
Parents....maybe it is just mine. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame my mistakes on. Maybe I just want recognition of my creation being a mistake. My whole life of failures resulting from one night...one mistake...one accident catipulting into a single person existing only to carry the burden of never knowing how to live.....but only knowing how to exist!
The only feeling I love by is emptiness. My eternal struggle to find the one.
The one who can take away the pain, take away the void. To give a mistake a purpose.
To find the one that makes everything look different.
The one that "can't" live without me, the way everyone else "can".
The one who thinks about m every breath he takes.
The one who will cradle my soul and take away the pain.
The one who will remove all doubt.
The one i can trust eternally.
Do you really think i will be unfulfilled my entire life?
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I know!
I strive to become important.
I want someone to care what I am doing every moment of my day
i want someone to call me multiple times daily just because they miss me
I want someone to feel empty inside without my presence
I want someone to care...about me.
I want someone to share themselves with me their soul, their dreams, their visions.
I need to find "the one" who has his eyes wide open to this world.
The one who sees through it all and is ready to take in an existance he has only thought about his whole life
The one who is tired of existing in this shallow mundane plain of earth
The one who feels my presence within his body whether we are together or apart
the one who craves my every ounce of attention as if my touch, words, and existance are the air he needs to survive
Why is it that god is not allowing this person i have desired since the dawn of time to fall into my arms?
I want to be taken care of, yet independant
I want to be babied yet mastered
I want a man who is able to bathe in his own confidence
but only humble to show his love for me
I want a man who will take control and give control of himself to me as well...
To worship me and in turn allow me to worship him.
I want someone to care what I am doing every moment of my day
i want someone to call me multiple times daily just because they miss me
I want someone to feel empty inside without my presence
I want someone to care...about me.
I want someone to share themselves with me their soul, their dreams, their visions.
I need to find "the one" who has his eyes wide open to this world.
The one who sees through it all and is ready to take in an existance he has only thought about his whole life
The one who is tired of existing in this shallow mundane plain of earth
The one who feels my presence within his body whether we are together or apart
the one who craves my every ounce of attention as if my touch, words, and existance are the air he needs to survive
Why is it that god is not allowing this person i have desired since the dawn of time to fall into my arms?
I want to be taken care of, yet independant
I want to be babied yet mastered
I want a man who is able to bathe in his own confidence
but only humble to show his love for me
I want a man who will take control and give control of himself to me as well...
To worship me and in turn allow me to worship him.
Lie Awake with Me...
My body lies motionless in your arms,
your eyes...
connecting to mine in an exhausting gaze .
I pause...only to feel our hearts beating slowly as the light consumes the heaven we had conceived throughout the night.
Our words have grown silent..
Our lips too fatigued to speak..
Fighting the slumber in efforts to embrace this endless night.
The birds have humbly brought forth a beautiful lullaby in their presence.
A song that has been waking the surrounding world as we still lie there....existing..breathing..consuming...
I have never felt so consumed..
I never want to pull away or allow your embrace to fall.
I never want to drift into sleep.
Our bodies entwined within one another,
Our souls eminating into one anothers essence..
We are no longer self.
I never thought it posible to be closer than we have become throughout one night..
and yet every word spoken, every movement made...every secret revealed has drawn us closer.
Lie awake with me my love.
Please do not close your eyes.
With the passing hours, our minds become entranced..
Lying here with you is a dream far from sleep...
The further from reality we fall, the more real we become.
your eyes...
connecting to mine in an exhausting gaze .
I pause...only to feel our hearts beating slowly as the light consumes the heaven we had conceived throughout the night.
Our words have grown silent..
Our lips too fatigued to speak..
Fighting the slumber in efforts to embrace this endless night.
The birds have humbly brought forth a beautiful lullaby in their presence.
A song that has been waking the surrounding world as we still lie there....existing..breathing..consuming...
I have never felt so consumed..
I never want to pull away or allow your embrace to fall.
I never want to drift into sleep.
Our bodies entwined within one another,
Our souls eminating into one anothers essence..
We are no longer self.
I never thought it posible to be closer than we have become throughout one night..
and yet every word spoken, every movement made...every secret revealed has drawn us closer.
Lie awake with me my love.
Please do not close your eyes.
With the passing hours, our minds become entranced..
Lying here with you is a dream far from sleep...
The further from reality we fall, the more real we become.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Storm...in the morning light!
My hands have become shaky with confusion...every word of joy, backed by so much intensity . If I were to look into his eyes right now, I know i would see I have done something wrong and I cannot return to where it stemmed from...
He would look away...*sigh* and look at the ground...
Denying everything we had become and walk away!
It has become the pattern i have sewn myself to... being too honest, feeling too much...Being too much! I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...to where the life inside of me was subtle and patient...the silence of my heart and soul.
With my head in my hand I sigh....close my eyes...and remember that love...that place we took eachother...the place we went to when we wanted to escape our worlds...
Drift away into a song...until then...
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
***Storm.. in the morning light I feel No more can I say Frozen to myself ***
This morning I was rushed to wake with rain in my face laying in my bed...
My window open and I looked through the storm and noticed the green sky...
this sky will never be the same...
He would look away...*sigh* and look at the ground...
Denying everything we had become and walk away!
It has become the pattern i have sewn myself to... being too honest, feeling too much...Being too much! I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...to where the life inside of me was subtle and patient...the silence of my heart and soul.
With my head in my hand I sigh....close my eyes...and remember that love...that place we took eachother...the place we went to when we wanted to escape our worlds...
Drift away into a song...until then...
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
***Storm.. in the morning light I feel No more can I say Frozen to myself ***
This morning I was rushed to wake with rain in my face laying in my bed...
My window open and I looked through the storm and noticed the green sky...
this sky will never be the same...
Monday, May 02, 2005
You are "The one" (May 15th, 2003)
Thursday, May 15th, 2003
5:59 pm
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.
All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.
*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..
That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..
The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...
His silence has been a delicate array of torture...
HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.
He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.
Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"
He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.
My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...
I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.
It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.
I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
demise.
As it would be mine.
If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.
Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..
Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all
I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!
Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.
..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.
I can almost taste his devine lips..
Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"
because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.
I am different...I know this.
I was MAde this way for a reason..
I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!
I Feel Soul.
I Need Soul.
Nothing is real...nothing...
Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...
To blind you.
I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...
I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..
I am here now.
Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...
Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..
Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..
I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.
Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;
In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.
Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...
I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..
Last chance!
Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...
Are You ready...to be..complete?
Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?
I love you.
You are "the one"
5:59 pm
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.
All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.
*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..
That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..
The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...
His silence has been a delicate array of torture...
HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.
He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.
Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"
He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.
My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...
I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.
It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.
I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
demise.
As it would be mine.
If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.
Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..
Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all
I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!
Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.
..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.
I can almost taste his devine lips..
Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"
because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.
I am different...I know this.
I was MAde this way for a reason..
I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!
I Feel Soul.
I Need Soul.
Nothing is real...nothing...
Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...
To blind you.
I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...
I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..
I am here now.
Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...
Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..
Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..
I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.
Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;
In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.
Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...
I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..
Last chance!
Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...
Are You ready...to be..complete?
Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?
I love you.
You are "the one"
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Could I have been wrong?
Quoted from myself
"Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible."
I was shot down, left to die, 2 years ago almost to the date...in fact about right now is when I discovered "him"
I used to fly through life in a whirlwind, touching peoples lives and flying off with no despair or worries...free I was. Once in my life I took this man with me...i flew with him, I took him by the hand, I offered him a permanent position by my side...oh my god, I cannot help but feel a bit funny right now. *Sigh*
How can one write with happiness inside of them? This is so new to me and I almost feel like laughing out loud right now. This IS sad. I am trying to work around this Light in my life and still be an effective writer and yet I am smiling and my soul is fighting my mood music...have I been shielded from the pain again?
....after I took my fall, I was unable to fly any longer...my soul had become so heavy with this darkness, I was merely able to hug closely to the ground with a shaky stability as I made my way onward in life.
I have had so many enter into my life and lift me by the arms, helping to pull me onward as I refused to stand.
I am so used to lingering in the shadows that being in this new light makes me feel so vulnerable!
So visable...and yet..who is watching anyhow?
I have realized how blind I am to people around me and yet I thought I was very aware.
(*sigh* Everytime I write the word I it rips at my soul...)
I have counted the days that have passed me by since something amazing happened to me...
something that opened my eyes and my soul recently and I have been silenced with happiness.
"Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible."
I was shot down, left to die, 2 years ago almost to the date...in fact about right now is when I discovered "him"
I used to fly through life in a whirlwind, touching peoples lives and flying off with no despair or worries...free I was. Once in my life I took this man with me...i flew with him, I took him by the hand, I offered him a permanent position by my side...oh my god, I cannot help but feel a bit funny right now. *Sigh*
How can one write with happiness inside of them? This is so new to me and I almost feel like laughing out loud right now. This IS sad. I am trying to work around this Light in my life and still be an effective writer and yet I am smiling and my soul is fighting my mood music...have I been shielded from the pain again?
....after I took my fall, I was unable to fly any longer...my soul had become so heavy with this darkness, I was merely able to hug closely to the ground with a shaky stability as I made my way onward in life.
I have had so many enter into my life and lift me by the arms, helping to pull me onward as I refused to stand.
I am so used to lingering in the shadows that being in this new light makes me feel so vulnerable!
So visable...and yet..who is watching anyhow?
I have realized how blind I am to people around me and yet I thought I was very aware.
(*sigh* Everytime I write the word I it rips at my soul...)
I have counted the days that have passed me by since something amazing happened to me...
something that opened my eyes and my soul recently and I have been silenced with happiness.
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