Sunday, December 11, 2005

There is nothing left of you...

December 11th 2005

There is nothing left of you…

I hear you
Calling out for me tonight
I am so interrupted
Don’t know which way I am going
Can’t remember where I have been
I am just running
Staring at the light in the distance
Let me go…
Don’t make this harder on us both
You killed me
You ripped my soul from my skin and pretended to be true
Go... there is no place for you here
You bled my heart and thrived from its essence
You walked with your head held high
My body lying shaken on the ground in your shadow
You never looked back for a moment
You never thought… What Have I done?
Decisions were simple when you were the one in control
Life was beautiful when things went your way
And your way was the only way
My words were held like water in your paper heart
My love for you was a pretty little granule of sand sitting in your palm
Easily thrown down to the ground and forgotten
Once I was your goddess, you my precious love
I am not fallen anymore love
You have no power here
God did Not take me that fateful night as I begged for his mercy
He left me, silent he remained
He did not comfort and shield me from the agony of being dead inside
He did not give me my dying breath as I wished
No words of comfort rang true to me
Nothing was left in my world without you
He let me hurt, he let me cry
He let me dance with the devil in the light of the moon
He left the memory of you deep within me love
And Now…
Now I know why
You are the curse breathed of the foulest kind
You are death within life
Within YOU is nothing without another lifting you high
Within you is an emptiness suited for the darkest of Gods creatures
You know not heaven or hell, only what is before you
YOU are broken with no where to turn
I see it in your eyes and like an angel of mercy I tried to take you away from your pain
You will never be the crescent moon in my silent night
What an angry soul you hold inside
What a tangled web you weave, and I am no longer entangled in it with you
I am without you
And my name will ring that light of happiness you once knew
You will be the one left in the darkness of this world
You will be the one left with less than a spark of hope
Every night you will look upon yourself and wonder where you went wrong
Every night you will fall asleep praying to not be awakened
God will not answer your prayers
Just as he did not answer mine that night
He has His plan, and he doesn’t play by your rules
You will suffer through what you have created
No second chances, there is only one chance in this lifetime
Either you take it or you don’t
I have been chosen, one of the precious few
Everything is going according to plan
God did not forsake me, he embraced me
You were lead blindly out of my life
You, confused and swearing you will always love me,
Me, fighting to keep you in my arms
But see it’s not your fault…
You know not what you do
You know not what you ran into, when You ran into me
You were to never receive what I am
Only to taste what an angel is
A fallen angel with a lonely human soul
I was not allowed to love until my eyes were truly opened to my path
But I did. I gave you the purest love and I recall your words
“I can’t believe someone loves me this much”
If you were the one, you’d have known
We are ALL loved THAT much
Jesus loves each and every one of us THAT much
If you were the one, you’d have believed
And now, many moons after you, I have risen again
Risen, holding the hand of god
Risen, standing in his magnificent light
Risen, walking a well lit path of love and truth
God has sent me one of my own kind
The one he has prepared me for my whole life
He has sent me one of his most beautiful angels to walk by my side
One who has fought to remove the ashes left by YOU
One who has been so patient with my tears
One who has been blessed by your absence
Your walking away and allowing me to grow
Saving me from years of continuing in the wrong direction
My angel was blessed by what you could not hold
He was blessed by what you could not understand
He was blessed by your ignorance
You will never be the one
There is nothing left of you

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Tell me...

Look at me. Tell me can you see what is killing me?
Can you see the thoughts I fight every day and night?
Can you tell me what I do that has been wrong is suddenly right?
When I dream, is it you standing there waiting for me?
Where do you see us in the end?
How happy will we be?
Will there be anything left to smile about?
What will be left to make us laugh?
Do emotions really run dry? Is it inevitable?
Are they here now, and trickle out until there is nothing left?
Look at me, here I go again.
So lost.
I can’t see any further than what I am now
I can’t help but doubt what I will become
I can’t help but fight falling
The thought of being complete is killing me
The thought of the search being over is not what I had in mind
But here it is, before me, and I tremble and twist every emotion until it doesn’t feel so nice
I’m hiding.
I like it when you can’t find me
I like knowing your thinking about me
It’s me.
Will I change?
Do people Ever change?
I never thought that I could love someone so much that I hate it.
What IF love isn’t enough?
What if Love is the only reason we are... what we are?
Am I missing something? Is there something I’m not able to perceive?
IS love enough?
Is that all we need to write happily ever after?
Why am I so afraid to know?
Why does it seem I am looking for more questions?
Why can’t I just let it be simple?
Why can’t I just KNOW that in 23 years, we will be looking back to these times and laughing with one another… will we?
Will we learn to hate one another?
Will we be disappointed?
Will we regret our decision based on love?
Will we say to ourselves, where was the logical thinking.
Will we be old and bitter?
Will I wonder what happened to the way I used to gaze at you with the sparkle of life emanating from my soul?
Why do I push you away?
Tell me. Please.

Slipping from truth...



Searching my soul tonight
For a simple answer or ray of light
I cannot stand long enough to fight
Between what is wrong and what was right

Searching my heart within
There are so many places to begin
Its always cold its always dim
I just need to be with him

I am closing my eyes this time
He is much stronger than I am

There are so many miles between us
So many hours of time
So many faces and lives passing me by
So many worlds I will never be a part of

Why cant I breath his kiss?
Why cant I be in His world?
Why cant he be touching me?
Why is he pushing me away?

HE gave me life and is taking it away
He is tearing my soul, day by day
Where is my faith in what was meant to be?
Why am I not good enough for him to be here with me?

I wanted to be his only star
I wanted to be the only one his heart needs
I wanted to be the arms that he ran to
I wanted to be the soul that he takes to heaven with him
I wanted to be the one he would die for
I wanted to be the most important thing in his life
I wanted to be the only person that came between him and me.

Where do I go with this?
When my thoughts are too much to share with him
When my tears are falling For him
When I have sacrificed myself for what he needs

I know time will heal these wounds
I know I have given him a love I did not know I had
I know he was the one meant for me
I know this, but are we only meant to know love for one another
And never get to experience the full means of what could be?

Why do I feel like I should let him be free
Why do I feel that I should make a decision that may kill us both
Why do I feel he would be better off without me in his life
Why do I feel I should have stopped this before it began
I feel like I am so deeply in love with him it may be unhealthy
I cant talk to him without feeling deprived
I can’t stop these thoughts that I Hate to think
These thoughts are so far from the truth and yet I Feel them
My feelings are not coinciding with reality
Have I lost reality altogether?

He has stopped confessing his love to me as we have spent many nights
He no longer gets excited to hear from me
He no longer wonders why I haven’t called yet
I am an emotional burden
And when I express my needs, he feels like he is inadequate
And when I hold them inside I feel neglected

I know that distance kills our relationship
And we have gotten to the point where we should be ready to live in each others lives
Yet we are not, we are stuck in this dull slump of nothing but empty, lonely time
I know how I feel and I know he doesn’t feel the same way
Which brings me to question if he has rethought every word he has ever said
Has he reconsidered what he wanted to be to me
Has he realized how difficult things truly are… in the real life?

I need to leave him alone.
It isn’t until you are without that you truly realize what you had.
I know I will miss him more than I will miss being alive after death
I know he is what I live for and the pain of missing him will keep me alive
I feel like a horrible ugly sin in his life
I feel like he feels guilty for loving me
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
What is so wrong with love?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

RUN...

I reach to the bottom and stir…
Feel, stop running.
Hiding yourself behind feeling too much, when you have in turn deprived yourself from all else.
Denying those you have found, those you have loved so passionately
Those your fire still burns for.
You will never be able to forget.
And yet you close your eyes and your soul shutters.
You KNOW…you know.
Their memory comes in songs and no other can be felt in the words
On my knees, hands tied behind myself… no pleads for mercy, no attempt to escape
Just dying to be owned. Dying to feel SO much Id never run away.
My wrists are sore, twisting to be free
My knees, weak and fragile, I want to rest where I never want to leave.
I want to fall and not get back up
I want to desire for eternity
I want to collide and Win for once.
Is that so wrong... What makes me so bad?
I want him to look at me and fuck the world…
I want him to push me down and hold me so fucking tight I can barely breathe
“I’m not going anywhere”
“I will fight with you”
“Fuck the world baby”
“I can’t believe you found me”
“I can’t believe where you take me”
Without you, I have never lived
Before you there was nothing
Now, there is everything and I will stop at nothing to build your castle
Stay here… no come with me, stand close behind and watch me do this... for You
You are my goddess
My soul
I will build this world around us, my hands will bleed and you will kiss them
No more pain, no more insanity.
Your thoughts are real, you KNEW… you knew and you are free now
Don’t run from your thoughts.
Don’t hide from your reality
You are the only one strong enough to hear the whispers
You are the only one not afraid of the worlds you must crash through
You are my porcelain goddess and I will worship thee with every second I am given
I don’t fear you’re leaving, for you fought so hard to get to me…
I rise to my feet and gaze at the beauty of our kingdom
What a beautiful place he has built around us
So secure, i'm not afraid.
Wait
I miss the fear
I miss the pain
I miss the aching of my heart to be consumed
I miss the tears, crying out for him
I miss his absence
I miss my insanity…
He looks away for a second
I run for the draw bridge
I scream… I fall.
He turns to see me run, starts running with such confusion in his eyes.
I can hear the quivering in my breath as I know not what compels me to run
I run so fast and never look back... until the screams disappear
Till he can no longer find me
Until I am free once again.
I throw myself down wildly to the ground, I cry so hard my heart feels like it has been shattered, the pieces tearing their way through my veins, body shaking, blood running from my knees.
I’m so lonely
So alone
And for a moment there is no emotion left to feel.
Only numbness I find all too familiar
A silence I dread
A wide eyed woman in her search for love
I nurse my wounds and admire my bruises
For a moment I am to be free, but a prisoner to one
I can never run from myself.


Monday, November 07, 2005

Shhh...

His eyes, like gentle veils of mist welcoming the morning sun.
Stolen… my breath. I know not how to breathe
All the world has left… he pulls me into his arms with his hand wrapped in my hair
I welcome this serenity he has created in my honor.
Through a tiny keyhole… he allows me to view… the door never locked, some things are more beautiful when they do not know you are watching them…
And I watched.. With such intent... I looked.
This creator of sights, this liver of dreams,
Reaches out for my hand and dances with me in the candle light set before us
Sifting through the ashes of the fires burned before this day
Smoldering as the wind places her caress within the fragile debris
Our beings simply dance throughout the night.
Left behind the guilt that whispers in the shadows
Released the worries that encase and paralyze what we truly are, having been spun into its dismal web
Fall free from all that ever was and Be.
For once we are alive within one another’s souls, even just for a moment as we close our eyes and see Still.
The end won’t come so quietly…
Our skin not abandoned with time but embraced by the memory of what was.
The everlasting wake created by the passionate crash into my existence.
To worship in blindness of what tomorrow brings
To kiss the lips whose touch may never bestow upon yours ever again…
Shhh… The thunderstorm is here… holding me into its glory. Let’s just Be.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

AN ongoing confession of love...

I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me,
the sound of his voice when he is serious about something,
the way his hair tries to escape from his head in the morning.
I love the way he finds a need to stop everything he is doing to tell me he loves me.
the way my one single word can double his heartbeat.
how he thinks about me every waking hour.
How he dreams about me … when we can’t be together.
I love the way he is so gentle with me, emotionally, physically
I love the way he revolves around me.
that he never makes me feel like I am too much.
..Or too little.
I love that we both know how lucky we truly are.
I love that he wants to marry me, only me, that I am the Only woman he has ever loved, how he cherishes my existence as if there were nothing before or after…me.
I love thinking about the love that he will have for his children and mine.
Knowing that one day I will be able to show him what love at first sight is,
Knowing that he will never deny this love we have discovered… this precious… precious love
I love thinking about how close the time is coming to when we never have to be apart again, where we can spend every single night for the rest of our lives lying in one another’s arms…forever. We have come so far baby.
I love the woman he has made me want to become, not by asking but by loving me.
I adore and admire him so much that his love for me helped me realize how amazing I am. If this wonderful person could believe in me, love me, trust me… then maybe I’m not so bad after all.

It took a love full circle to teach me to love myself….
My loving this person completely... the first person I have ever been able to love this way.
Being loved completely, never having to worry about scaring him away with my tears.
I can close my eyes tonight knowing I am loved, knowing my twin soul has come back to me, and Nothing can take that away from me. Not even death can tear my heart from him again. I know God has blessed me.

There are not enough words to describe this intensity…
There will never be enough…
But I will die trying to find them.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Im sorry...

Im sorry for all of your tears
Who’d have known loving me would be so hard.
Im sorry that I loved you silently as you begged me to just say I love you
Im sorry that I couldn’t speak when you wished I could
Id give anything to talk to you and tell you that I will never leave you
Sometimes when I miss the sadness I imagine your gone
I imagine you couldn’t love me the way I need to be loved.
I imagine my heart was too shattered for you to repair
I imagine the distance was one mile too far
I imagine my mistakes were unforgivable
And I cry…
Then I lay my head back down on my pillow and Stare at the wall
Feeling the shock through my body…
My self therapy
And I begin to love you more than I ever have before
I begin to imagine our promises we have made
I imagine the nights we laughed and held one another so close
I remember the simple things..
I remember the times we were so complicated with confusion
I remember how we chose love over all else
How suddenly nothing else mattered but being together
How I promised to never forsake you… my gift from heaven
How you had given me your heart and soul…and a ring that keeps me going until you are here.
I will remember every step no matter how big or small that brought us closer day by day
I will remember Everything.
You have taken my life and made each day Burn a beautiful memory into my soul
You have made every day worth counting and every night worth reminiscing
You have given me a life by your side and there is no where else I would rather be
No where. I belong to you.

Dedicated to My sweetest thing
Christopher Ryan Pearson
October 28th 2005

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

For my love...

An angel lays before me and I fathom at this sight.
His body lie resting in the sunlight…
I step closer quietly careful to preserve the silence.
I can see a glow around him, so clearly
What have I done to deserve such a wonderful being?
What more can I do to keep him here always?
Many nights before, I have dreamt of him
Now he is here and I am in awe.
When he wakes, the world will not fall apart…
When he wakes it will still be a reality far from dream
…shhhh….
His eyes are opening…
Slowly he moves his body and takes in the morning air,
He moves his head to find me…and he takes in a breath of relief.
My angel was born to fall
To fall into my life with such grace and determination.
Never once losing faith in me
Never once losing faith in the love he felt for me.
Never once looking away after he knew where it was he had to find me
He traveled through depths of souls…
Spinning circles around them, searching.
Seeking out his gift.
Alone he traveled, so sure of what it was he needed to find
Never settling for less.
And now he is here…
Neither one of are quite sure which of us are the true angel.
But if I am the angel he truly believes I am
And this is the gift I have fallen for,
The existence I chose Over heaven
If this is the soul I needed, before I was ready for heaven
I accept this angel. Open arms.
I will love him into eternity and never look back.
When you have such beauty before you…
You have no need to look behind any longer.

Dedicated to my precious angel I have longed to live for
And die With. Christopher Ryan Pearson.
October 26th 2005

Thursday, October 13, 2005

First Love?

August 12th 2005

“What it takes” Can you believe I used to listen to this song every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed thinking about Ryan Shinkle…hehe!
I thought I was so in love with that boy. Don’t get me wrong, I ended up deeply caring for him as a good friend, like a brother actually. I miss him so much, but I know he is out there now living his life in the Army over seas. He is probably enjoying his life so much more than if he were to stay here with me. Well I can at least hope I am right. Chris tells me, he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to be with me.
     What is a first love? There are so many degrees of love that I only know the things that I have loved the most. As your first love, does it have to be requited? Did that person have to love you too in order for your feelings to have been valid? Do you Always love your first love? Is that Allowed? It seems every time I changed or grew, I loved someone different for different reasons. If you no longer love them, does that little boy I thought I loved as a young child still count as my first love? What are the Qualifications? I wonder if I was ever some ones first love. YES! I am! I am Christopher’s first love.  (
I always see these shows where people are reunited with their first loves after years and years and they still have these feelings for this person even after a failed marriage. Is harboring such feelings for another right? Or did the feelings disappear for the time of the marriage? Does anyone ever truly know what love is? Isn’t or Shouldn’t love be permanent? Forever? If it doesn’t last forever, was it even love at all? I believe I love Christy More than I have ever loved anyone. I believe I love him more than I ever even knew I could love. Loving him has made me feel so alive.  Even in my darkest hour, his love for me gives me light… A light that I never want to go away. For the first time, someone has been able to pull me out of any negative moods I have tangled myself into.
     “Everything I do, I do it for you” Up until recent months I thought this was the cheesiest song ever. I no longer believed that Any human being on this earth aside from myself could ever feel this way about another. “I would give it all. I would Sacrifice.” Is this not what Chris and I have done for each other? More so on his part I believe. Leaving his family, friends, his whole life…just to be with me. Leaving everything he has ever known because I could not meet him in the middle. I listen to this song and I honestly know he would do any and all of these things for our love, and I love him so deeply because of this. He is “the one” I have always wanted. He has told me many times to please don’t question his love for me. He takes everything I say so seriously. He takes my words to heart, and I love that because it means not only is he listening, but also that he cares.

Magic... (ben folds five lyrics)

From the back of your big brown eyes
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
And I hoped you would
We could see that you weren't yourself
And the lines on your face did tell
It's just as well
You'd never be yourself again
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath the blows these cool winds 'round
Trading places with an angel now
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
Saw you last night
Stars in the sky
Smiled in my room

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Maybe tomorrow...

Maybe tomorrow I will find my way home. Maybe tomorrow I will have a home to come home to. Maybe tomorrow My fiance will be standing here waiting for me... running to the door when he hears my car return..
Maybe then I will no longer cry. Maybe then I will no longer die in my loneliness. Maybe then I can breathe.
If only I could close my eyes until he returns, then would I be dreaming of his eyes so peacefully. Instead this ache this pain makes me hate every mile between us. So much anger, so much happiness. My concept of time is non- existant. Only that I live now and i hurt NOW. Knowing the future no longer takes that away. Is it so twisted to push away the one thing that makes you happy? Is it fucked up to not want to smile, to not want to laugh? Should I fall tonight, who would be here to pick me up? Should i lye in my bed dying, who will be here to kiss my head as I go? Should I cry, who will kiss away the tears?
NO ONE!
No one is coming to my rescue tonight. No one will hear me cry. No one will see me fall. No one will reach for my hand. Fuck this.

I cannot BE.. until your resting here with me!

Besides... if I were to smile tonight... who would be here to care.. who would be here to smile back?

No one.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Finally Engaged!!

Well....my good friend Rachel stood by my side the Whole time on the phone for the final hour before chris showed up at my door....
She talked me through it when I tried to run out the back door as they pulled up...lmao...
I hurried and turned on my favorite song for our relationship (I swear- Nick Lachey)
After Tiea sent me off on my way to the front door, I suprisingly opened it for him (as Id planned on making him stand out there for a good 45 minutes as I worked up the courage to open door) Amazingly enough I looked through the peep hole and couldnt let my baby wait any longer...

I opened the door and I looked up at the love of my life.. the man Id suspected to be my soulmate for many many months...the best friend I made back in January in WoW, the voice Id spent thousands of hours speaking to, laughing with, crying to.... loving.The face Id waited to know, my whole life was no longer an idea, but now a reality...

He looked at me and said something like...OMG and i said OMG and then he dropped his bags inside my door and gave me the hug we'd talked about for some time. He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and kissed my forehead as he'd always wished to do.I took him by the hand and led him around my apartment he has only seen through the lens of a web cam and i nervously showed him things that id talked about but couldnt show him...(minds out of the gutter plz =P)

Finally we sat on the oh so comfortable couch that id bragged about forevers and we just took in all the excitement of everything...finally being face to face... finally being able to look into one anothers eyes... i seriously remember him saying omg like 5 times before we even sat down...

SO we sat down and christopher decided it was time to give me the letter he had told me he had written a few nights prior....As i read it i smiled and giggled at his tardish ways i love so much, I felt my heart warming, I felt tears come to my eyes, he has always been able to get laughter and tears out of me so easily...

"Now turn to me and give me your hand"

*BLINK*

I turned to him and gave him my hand...
He said
"Baby...I love you so much...
I have given you my heart and my soul and the only thing left to do is for you to accept it"

*He pulled out the most beautiful ring in the world*

Now, Do you Accept it?"

SPeechless for one of the first times in my life, i looked at him and blinked...then I nodded a yes (omg i was nervous, i swear i planned a different reaction for the day he finally asked)

We were both so shaky as he placed the ring on my finger and i sat there shaky and smiling....(and yes giggling)

Engaged before our first kiss... I will always remember how people would ask me how I can love someone I never met.... In our hearts, we met January 23rd 2005, on a lonely day out in the wetlands...chasing a hordie newb and running into eachother... In our hearts, we have been waiting our whole lives just to be returned to one another once again...

I knew I loved christopher so much, Id have met him blindly at the altar on our wedding day...

My love, My precious, My Twin soul...

***Engaged September 23rd 2005***

Sunday, June 12, 2005

"The air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy. The merest whisper of your name awakes in me a shuddering sixth sense. I am longing for a kiss that makes time stand still. "
************************************************************************************

I didn't get to go to church today... life seems to have gotten in the way and I will just leave it at that. I need some serenity and I just don't know where to find it anymore.

I thought to myself today, how only I know what I am doing in my life...Only I, can rationally explain to myself why I do what I do, and Why I feel the way I feel.
Only I know the Truth.

The Truth.

*sigh*

Tell me, why does it hurt so much when you speak the truth and no one hears you?
Why does it even matter to waste your breath to try and make clear to those who do not want to know the truth....they only want to know what makes them feel good?

People come to me when they want the truth..

I give them what they seek, no matter how hard it hits them.

They know that even if they stretch the truth a bit... I hear what they are really asking, I know what they want me to tell them, and it is hard... They know the truth... and yet they want that one true person out there to say it... Someone that does not exist inside their mind.. Someone real to say what it is they already know.

************************************************************************************

How many times must i crucify myself before i am free to breathe...
free to exist..
...to exist in ways I can only dream of, in ways that are so oblivious
i have not the intensity to imagine.

I have been called a free spirit over and over on my journey...
but what is it that makes me so free?
What is it about me that allows me to make decisions of free will making many paths i had to burn through with nights of tears and fear?
What do i possess that I have yet to find in another human being...
what are these thoughts, these ideas, these philosophies embedded in my soul?

*******************************************************************************

Sunday, June 05, 2005

WInd...

(Derived from my written entry today)

I opened this book and the glare from the sunlight reflecting off of it blinded me for a moment and I smiled. Rarely have I been so accepting to the light, the heat, the warmth on my skin...
Perhaps if i must live without his touch..now that i think about it...
The sun and breeze have been touching me in many ways just like him.
Many people said they seen it long before I myself realized....when all i could see was fun and friendship...my best friend...Christopher!


The birds are singing so loud right now, reminds me of the sounds he always hears when we talk....that I have blocked out until recent days.

Today at church the pastor spoke of the wind...after I wrote this.
How you can See its effects, you can feel it...it can touch you... but you do not know where it came from, or where it is going.
He compares gods work to the wind.
I find it strange how many similarities I find in a good christian...the love of my life
how he makes me feel alive, feel hope, feel comfort from miles apon miles away...
and how the lord makes me feel the same way.

It is so beautiful.

Of course there are anxieties...but I am following the path all the way this time.
I have my eyes set forward, and despite the hardships I will have to endure...
I am not going into them Blindly.
I will overcome.
I will succeed.
Amen

Monday, May 30, 2005

All I've ever wanted *lyrics*

If you only knew
What I feel for you
If you only lived for me
the way I lived for you
I'd be in heaven
My dreams would come true

'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you

If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
Because I live and breathe for you
And I really need to know

That all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you

Everything I do is for you
You are every part of me
And I don't want to face
Another day
Alone
Without
.... your love

'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
All I've ever wanted
Is you

Thursday, May 26, 2005

As the world falls down *lyrics*

As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes,
a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes
There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world)
falling down

Falling in love

I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world falls)
FallingFalling

As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love

As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love

As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
FallingAs the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
FallingFalling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

"The frozen moon" (2000)

October 8th 2000

The night carries a stilling calm
It has a way of empowering my soul
All at once it feeds me my highest point of mania....with my lowest trench of sadness....
The moon looks as though it has been Frozen in a black pond
...and it will not move until the morning sun thaws it out

It is different than most nights
Every breath I take is crisp
...I can hear it
tearing through the silence
It is as if it is my first breath

Does the night poison my mind?
With its blanket of darkness I feel a different part of my soul come to life.
I often wish for eternal darkness
To me, the night is the most beautiful thing on this earth.
I hold the rain second highest to it.....Especially storms.

I would like to live in a world...that it is forever night...with a storm always on the wind...

Oh...what a wonderous place!

FairEden'

This I promise you *lyrics*

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...
Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..This I promise you..
Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...
And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby
Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...

"Decide" 2003

Life is like a river...it flows
sometimes you drift down the river slowly
enjoying the scenery
taking your time
to breath in
sometimes you run into the rapids
that throw you around
fast moving
exciting
scary
all in the same instance
then you come to a point in your river
there is a branch embedded into the side ofthe riverbank
trapped....caked in debree and mud
standing still
this branch was once part of a great tree
a living thriving tree
it once flowed within the river
of life
now it stands still as life passes
this branch is not dead
you see one tiny green leaf growing from its almost pathetic grey bark
you see hope
you grab onto this branch and you hold onto it
life passes you by for a while
you refuse to let go of this branch
this once beautiful branch
you know if you could only set it free...it will grow and strive again
the river flows on and slowly pulls you
harder and harder
your grip grows weak
your palms become bloody
being torn from this branch
you feel this pain as your blood drips into the water
diluted....
floats away
You are pulled further and further down the branch
you are now facing this tiny green leaf
one last time you strengthen your grasp
you cannot risk tearing off this tiny green leaf
the leaf sets...right there in your face
you are so close to it
you see tiny buds around it
with tears in your eyes you have to decide
do you give up and let go of this branch, again releasing yourself into this river of life?
Do you hold on just a little while longer while time stands still?
While you risk losing your soul?
Do you find a way to crawl out of the river and lie there in the mud watching to see if this branch will grow without you saving it?
slowly becomming embedded yourself?

Random 2003 entry

There will never be another tomorrow...
I know not the answers to the questions that riddle my mind.
I have battled so far alone...struggled...fallen..
only to bathe in my own sorry.
Left to learn to stand once again...
Left lying on the ground...staring at it with hate and pain in my eyes...
tears drowning my curses to god to take away this sufferance...to end this misery.
Take my life in empathy.
I have pleaded at night when only god can hear me...have mercy on my soul and let me go..

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

"A mistake" 2003

"A mistake is something you would have changed if given the chance"

Ever just need to write, and have no one to write to?
I feel like I have said everything I can to anyone I have felt the need to say things to.
Every day I exist here...on earth, so many stories.
Seems my failures have become more interesting than my sucesses.
No matter how hard one tries, you cannot completely dissappear from the world.
Even the ones who you love the most, end up hurting you the worst!
In their own ways they abandon you to live their own lives...and somehow forget to include you.

Parents....maybe it is just mine. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame my mistakes on. Maybe I just want recognition of my creation being a mistake. My whole life of failures resulting from one night...one mistake...one accident catipulting into a single person existing only to carry the burden of never knowing how to live.....but only knowing how to exist!

The only feeling I love by is emptiness. My eternal struggle to find the one.
The one who can take away the pain, take away the void. To give a mistake a purpose.
To find the one that makes everything look different.
The one that "can't" live without me, the way everyone else "can".
The one who thinks about m every breath he takes.
The one who will cradle my soul and take away the pain.
The one who will remove all doubt.
The one i can trust eternally.

Do you really think i will be unfulfilled my entire life?

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I know!

I strive to become important.
I want someone to care what I am doing every moment of my day
i want someone to call me multiple times daily just because they miss me
I want someone to feel empty inside without my presence
I want someone to care...about me.
I want someone to share themselves with me their soul, their dreams, their visions.
I need to find "the one" who has his eyes wide open to this world.
The one who sees through it all and is ready to take in an existance he has only thought about his whole life
The one who is tired of existing in this shallow mundane plain of earth
The one who feels my presence within his body whether we are together or apart
the one who craves my every ounce of attention as if my touch, words, and existance are the air he needs to survive

Why is it that god is not allowing this person i have desired since the dawn of time to fall into my arms?
I want to be taken care of, yet independant
I want to be babied yet mastered
I want a man who is able to bathe in his own confidence
but only humble to show his love for me
I want a man who will take control and give control of himself to me as well...
To worship me and in turn allow me to worship him.

Lie Awake with Me...

My body lies motionless in your arms,
your eyes...
connecting to mine in an exhausting gaze .

I pause...only to feel our hearts beating slowly as the light consumes the heaven we had conceived throughout the night.

Our words have grown silent..
Our lips too fatigued to speak..

Fighting the slumber in efforts to embrace this endless night.

The birds have humbly brought forth a beautiful lullaby in their presence.
A song that has been waking the surrounding world as we still lie there....existing..breathing..consuming...

I have never felt so consumed..
I never want to pull away or allow your embrace to fall.
I never want to drift into sleep.

Our bodies entwined within one another,
Our souls eminating into one anothers essence..
We are no longer self.

I never thought it posible to be closer than we have become throughout one night..
and yet every word spoken, every movement made...every secret revealed has drawn us closer.

Lie awake with me my love.
Please do not close your eyes.
With the passing hours, our minds become entranced..
Lying here with you is a dream far from sleep...

The further from reality we fall, the more real we become.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Storm...in the morning light!

My hands have become shaky with confusion...every word of joy, backed by so much intensity . If I were to look into his eyes right now, I know i would see I have done something wrong and I cannot return to where it stemmed from...

He would look away...*sigh* and look at the ground...

Denying everything we had become and walk away!

It has become the pattern i have sewn myself to... being too honest, feeling too much...Being too much! I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...to where the life inside of me was subtle and patient...the silence of my heart and soul.

With my head in my hand I sigh....close my eyes...and remember that love...that place we took eachother...the place we went to when we wanted to escape our worlds...

Drift away into a song...until then...



Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

***Storm.. in the morning light I feel No more can I say Frozen to myself ***

This morning I was rushed to wake with rain in my face laying in my bed...
My window open and I looked through the storm and noticed the green sky...
this sky will never be the same...

Monday, May 02, 2005

You are "The one" (May 15th, 2003)

Thursday, May 15th, 2003
5:59 pm
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.

All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.

*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..

That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..

The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...

His silence has been a delicate array of torture...

HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.

He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.

Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"

He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.

My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...

I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.

It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.

I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
demise.
As it would be mine.

If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.

Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..

Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all

I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!

Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.

..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.

I can almost taste his devine lips..

Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"

because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.

I am different...I know this.

I was MAde this way for a reason..

I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!

I Feel Soul.

I Need Soul.

Nothing is real...nothing...

Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...

To blind you.

I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...

I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..

I am here now.

Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...

Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..

Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..

I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.

Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;

In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.

Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...

I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..

Last chance!

Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...

Are You ready...to be..complete?

Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?

I love you.

You are "the one"

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Could I have been wrong?

Quoted from myself

"Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible."


I was shot down, left to die, 2 years ago almost to the date...in fact about right now is when I discovered "him"

I used to fly through life in a whirlwind, touching peoples lives and flying off with no despair or worries...free I was. Once in my life I took this man with me...i flew with him, I took him by the hand, I offered him a permanent position by my side...oh my god, I cannot help but feel a bit funny right now. *Sigh*

How can one write with happiness inside of them? This is so new to me and I almost feel like laughing out loud right now. This IS sad. I am trying to work around this Light in my life and still be an effective writer and yet I am smiling and my soul is fighting my mood music...have I been shielded from the pain again?

....after I took my fall, I was unable to fly any longer...my soul had become so heavy with this darkness, I was merely able to hug closely to the ground with a shaky stability as I made my way onward in life.

I have had so many enter into my life and lift me by the arms, helping to pull me onward as I refused to stand.

I am so used to lingering in the shadows that being in this new light makes me feel so vulnerable!

So visable...and yet..who is watching anyhow?

I have realized how blind I am to people around me and yet I thought I was very aware.

(*sigh* Everytime I write the word I it rips at my soul...)

I have counted the days that have passed me by since something amazing happened to me...
something that opened my eyes and my soul recently and I have been silenced with happiness.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

from the depths of my soul I cry on my day of birth. Always seems like I lose something everytime it passes. Every year, one less friend or family member cares to remember your special day. Maybe I expect too much for my day. I do not want gifts or the casual Happy Birthday...

I want completion, and every year I grow older, I realize I have lost another year of my life.

What is it inside me that never lets me realize the happiness and joy in my life?

What is this overwhelming shadow of incompletion, dissatisfaction...
..the shadow that is always over my soul...stealing the breath from my chest.

I find myself so happy at times...I stop and recognize these moments...I try to stay for as long as I can...and yet, when I lay back in my bed each night...alone...why is this happiness gone?

Why can i describe my soul in darkness....

why do i have to..

why can't I just

*pause*

i just can't remember many nights in my life where I was truly passionate about waking up the next morning to continue where I left off..

I think back to my childhood...to what I can even remember...people tell you not to dwell on negative things, and yet my whole life has been just that. There has been so much negative around the positive, that I will lose it all when i try to let it go...

Every good thing in my life has been atached to hardship and pain. Suffering and sadness.
Nothing has came easily, and nothing has left me without etching its clawmarks into my soul

My scars run so deep, and I am told to let go of this...let go of it all...
in turn, lose myself.

Have I been so dependant on the pain?

Can I even exist if it were not there?

I have gone so long trusting in the pain to keep me feeling alive.
What will I have left to feel if it is gone?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Looking down from the moon! (June 14th 2003)

Tonight is Friday the 13th....a full moon.

Tonight I feel him more than ever. Perhaps it is my need to be with someone on this ironic night. The need to share this with my soul mate.I dwell in the mystery of the night. The moon, she empowers me. Her memory gets me through the daylight. She has shared everything I have ever felt. Her and her alone.

There is no one else here with me as I cry in her shadows. No one here, holding me in her light. She has become my dismal comfort. She is there...and Has been there with me through it all. She will be there forever. No matter where I go...she is there. Even when you cannot see her, she is not very far.

A soul mate...like this moon. Out of reach for the most part...but always there lingering...waiting. Then that one...in their depth and determination, does not believe that reaching the moon is impossible...does not give up until they get to you.Knowing it is there, feeling its presence. Seeing her on the clearest nights and in her brightest moments...like the dreams and emotions you are given throughout life...in your memory of "the one"

Except one thing is different....you Can go to the moon...you can touch it, you can love it...you can even bring parts of it back with you....but you cannot live there...in death...here in this life...you leave behind this moon....but the moon is just as bright in your life there after.

I feel this way with Shawn tonight, as I sit here alone, wishing he were here to share this moment...wishing I were speaking these words to him...I have no one to share this thought with. And even though I cannot see him, or touch him...I can still feel him. He is so wonderfully strong tonight.

Once you return from the moon, nothing looks the same....this World is no longer so big and misunderstood. Everything is in a different perspective now...but after you have touched it...you spend every lifetime wanting to go back to that place...

...die trying!

I have decided to copy some of my most written journal entries into this one.

June 7th 2003
Shawn broke up with me almost 48 hours to the minute. I have spent half my time crying and the other half writing an endless letter to him. I know i should have written sooner, but how can one find the words while opnes soul is so lost?

I have not spoken to god for four years. For the first time since, I turned to him in some sort of way. If it was not him I was speaking to, then I just may be insane. I begged him to stop this torture. I pleaded for him to tell me what I have done so wrong in life...I asked that he take me away from this place....yet again...nothing but silence and unanswered prayers.

Now my worst fear has come to pass...and yet I still exist...why?

I told Shawn when we first started talking...no sadness. For as long as I could, I shielded him from it. Keeping him happy made me happy. I no longer have that ability, I no longer have that happiness.

Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible.

The truth is...I don't know where I am going from here. I do not believe I am able to go anywhere.

When you drop something on the ground and you didn't see where it fell, you don't go searching for it miles away. You stay where you were standing and search for it where you were.

I lost my heart and soul right here, and this is where I shall stay until I find them again....or die trying.

...oh trusty journal

May 30th 2003
Your absence is an eclipse apon my soul.
The wind carries away my sorrows and returns to me your essence.
Whispering your name calms the silence of my days.
Every breath I release is a moment that brings me closer to your heart.

1:20am...oh trusty journal.
Can you believe the thoughts and words I have confided into your pages?
You have been with me for a long time in some form or another.
So many un-written pages. So many secrets woven into your binding.
Today I feel older
...I'm not sure exactly how this came about, but I feel emotionally older.
Perhaps my re-enforced emotional strength has made me not feel like a helpless, hurting, scared little girl anymore.I have reached such a level of Soul, that I despise my absolute need to descend once more back to this world.
I must touch back down and take care of some things that this world refuses to let me physically move on until I do.
Once again I must make myself Human.
Where shall I begin?

I guess I could start with my memories
...before the awakening.

As a child...
cringe
...sigh
..the first thing that comes to mind is the fighting. It seems so endless in my mind. Like a scary movie where the vision is blurry, but you can hear the yelling and crying. You immediately feel cold, vulnerable, and scared. I remember my mom and dad going out to a bar, me falling asleep safely in my bed under my sitter's care...then being abruptly awakened by yelling and the loud noises of my parents throwing things and tackling each other.I would sit up in my bed...listening with tears streaming down my face in a silent cry...waiting for my mom to call for help as she always did.
Katie...HELP. Kate.
That was my cue...I would go running, still crying and start yelling at my dad to get off of her. See, I never seen my father actually hit my mom, but from my understanding, she would try to hit him and he would use force to restrain her. Even so, seeing my mom crying, yelling and helpless was never something I wanted to see.Through it all, I never conformed and accepted things the way they were. I always knew something was wrong with what was going on.How could a child of my age know this, but the two adults causing this, not?Things are so simple through a child's eyes. The truth is, a child-like mind is a soulful mind. If we lived our lives with our ideas and ideals we had as children, well its hard to explain... I can still remember some of the simple thoughts I had as a child. I sometimes wonder to myself why I had ever strayed from them.I remember thinking, If two people love each other so much to be together and have children, then why do they fight all the time? I mean, if you have love, what would you possibly have to argue about? Why can't you just be strong together and figure out a solution....together?I guess that is where I started thinking and preparing for perfect love. I still believe that there never has to be an argument between two people who truly love each other.
You know I see it all too clearly at the moment.
I thought to myself, If my love said something to me that I didn't like, I wouldn't get upset and argue at all...in fact I would cry. I just remembered how I used to cry when Craig would say things I didn't like. Then he would come into the bedroom and hold me and apologize. Then we would talk through the problem. Then it got to the point that he would leave me crying alone in the room, no solace, no "talking". Only silence. Finally it got to the point where I stopped crying altogether. His words could no longer hurt me, only anger me. That is where it should have never ended up. He should have never stopped coming to me and comforting me. That is living without love anymore. That is something we did for a long time before I decided I couldn't live that way anymore and decided I wanted a divorce.

Will he fight? (June 25th 2003)

The story has gotten so twisted that no one could possibly understand how deep the rabbit hole goes unless they have been there since day one. If they knew the love that once existed between Shawn and I...then they would have a confusing grasp on why I still hang on.
Why he still loves and misses me, yet chooses to be with Rachel.
I guess he already knows what this feels like.
When will my happy ending come?
How will it be? Will I ever see it again?
Will I die a lonely old broken hearted woman?
Will I ever find someone that can complete me in one more way than Shawn could, by loving me more than anyone on this earth and never being able to leave me?
Is my soul mate still out there searching?
If he finds me will he be able to open my eyes?
Or will they still be wide shut in the eclipse of Shawn's absense?
My god this is a viscious cycle indeed.
I believe Shawn is my Soulmate, but he cannot see it.
Just as I refuse to see anyone else but him filling that void.
Will it end when "the other" refuses to give up on me, the one that has the strength as I once did and pulls me out of this darkness. I would not give up on Shawn had he had the reasoning inside of him to ask that of me. But I know I will find the strength to say, Please don't give up on me. I will know who I will have to say it to when the time comes. Even if it takes my last breath, I know if it is true, that will be all I will need to be able to say.Shawn and I have always stated time will tell, and I think time is showing me that the odds are against him and I ever being together again.
I think time is telling me, Cat, you know life is short
...everyone knows this.
You need to react to this knowledge, take the time to look at what has happened to you, use it to learn, use it to heal, and stop dwelling. Life and time wait for no one. Yet I sit and argue with them. I tell it there is nothing left out there for me, nothing is real anymore, nothing can be given to me to hold forever. Why should I care if life passes me by? I am not missing out on anything as far as I can see. Even with the little energy I have left, I just don't care if anyone understands me anymore. I have no more battles to fight, nothing left to fight for. I don't care to put forth the effort to tell someone my hopes and dreams. I don't care if anyone knows I have visions and see things from other dimensions. It just doesnt matter anymore. The only one that needs to know who and what I am, is me. I am the only one that really matters how much effort I put into.Shawn wrote, "but if you find someone else, I will have to go away quietly, it would not be right for me to interfere" Is that a hint that he wants me to go away quietly?
I don't know what it means really.
I just know that my soul mate will refuse to walk away quietly from me.
That he will fight for me
....fight to open my eyes.
He will know we are meant to be together and refuse to let anything keep us apart.

My Curse (July 13th 2003)

This world is no longer mine...
there is nothing here for me,
there never was
...I can't breath
...the pain i carry is too much to bear
...the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath

..Please let me die.

I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.
Every night I come home to an empty world
...no one there to hold me, no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.
I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me
...everything that has ever broken my heart.

I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...I don't think time will heal this pain.
Maybe I have been wrong about love all along.
Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.

I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.

I HATE YOU ALL!!!

I have created life....it was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do. I am a failure...these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness.
God what have I done.
Sorry is not enough...
I must pay for the damage I have done.
I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.

My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall
...never let in
...Never allowed in.
Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.

Hi Baby

I wrote this for him tonight......
Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silencean interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly, to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry, for her sorrow goes by no name...
"Hi Baby"
her heart stops.
her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins
and wears his heart as her crown.

Monday, February 07, 2005

You choose to Love...

Like falling from a cliff , feeling the adrenaline...
feeling the rush, knowing that there is nothing you can possibly do to keep yourself from falling. You succumb to the inevitable.
Then suddenly you reach the bottom and you are submerged into this cradle of water.
The deprivation tank.
All your senses are stolen from you,
for they are still thriving in the memory of the fall.
You lie there, unable to come up for air,

left to struggle with the inability to breath.

You hold onto your soul and your life flashes before you.

The memories come in flashes at first...
so many important moments of your life revisited.
Slowly your heart rate begins to slow and you find yourself reliving your memories in a glorified array of happiness...
they are more intense now....
your body stops struggling now.

The water forms to every inch of your body like a glove...
it gives you comfort like no other.
Comfort in your memories...
they Are real!

Then you come to a place in your time line where you remember where you were right before you took the fall...you see those eyes.
The ones that have spent a lifetime looking for you...

your heart stops...

You remember how complete you had become, what you had struggled for so long to find, how close you had become to reaching it...
and suddenly you choose this love over the comfort of your memories.
For the first time you realize that this love is better than death.

You choose to breath.

You choose life.

So many years of hurt and neglect...
forgotten.

So many hours a heartache and tears...
pointless.

Next thing you know...
you open your eyes to "those eyes"
staring at you with tears welling inside them.

"I almost lost you"

He pulled your lifeless body from the water.
He brought you back..
knowing how close you were to losing it all...

For a moment you see your own soul in his eyes...

The water can no longer bring tranquility...
You have chose to live outside its comfort...

You choose to Love.......................

Scorned (a copy paste from july 13, 2003)

This world is no longer mine...
there is nothing here for me, there never was...
I can't breath...
the pain i carry is too much to bear...
the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath..

Please let me die.

I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.

Every night I come home to an empty world...no one there to hold me,
no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.

I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me...
everything that has ever broken my heart.
I still love craig, but I have set myself up to lose him forever.
He is gone and there is no turning back.
I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...
I don't think time will heal this pain. Maybe I have been wrong about love all along. Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.
I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.

I HATE YOU ALL!!!

I have created life....it was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do.
I am a failure...
these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness. God what have I done. Sorry is not enough...I must pay for the damage I have done. I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.

My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall...
never let in...
Never allowed in.

Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.

Silent vows

Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silence
an interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly,
to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry,
for her sorrow goes by no name...

"Hi Baby" her heart stops.

her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins
and wears his heart as her crown.

The awakening

Its like i have just woken up from a deep sleep again...
Why do I get lost...why do I keep losing myself...
Why is it one day I wake up and wonder where I have been for so long?
I feel like I am 2 people...
and the one I like to be is who I am now...
My heart is swollen...my emotions on high...my head is so high in the air
I don't even know what is going on..but I don't care...im just here...and that is where I am happy!
I am fighting this hunger inside me with words...with feeling..controlling the pain...
Damage control!

I heard somethign the other night that reminded me of what people have been telling me for years...
"Alot of people love you....
....you just think they are all wrong!"

:(

*singing*
Baby Im addicted, im out of control
Your the drug the keeps me from dying...
Your the only reason im trying
**********************
Im wasted away
made a million mistakes
**********************
Im not afraid of dying
but im afraid of losing you

Baby Im addicted
Im out of control...

current mood: Dazed
current music: Addicted-Enrique