Wednesday, December 19, 2012

..and now you walk beside angels

...and now you walk beside angels.

 Taken too soon from this earth but living forever in our hearts.. Thank you for every story you told, even when I had heard it many times before, thank you for being such a happy soul that everyone loved to be around, thank you for giving us this whole year of learning how a family pulls together in times of darkness, a whole year of learning to not take any moments of life for granted, thank you for loving me as a daughter and trusting me.. Last night when I left your bedside, I told you I will see you again..

Until then Jim, God needed you to come home.. Don't worry, we will meet you there..
I love you forever and always

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Almost Goodbye

This season I find it hard to celebrate The birth of Jesus when we are being forced to let go of someone that has been so precious to The world. God I know that you know what you are doing. I know that you knew our fate before we were even created, and I know that I may never rid myself of this bitter taste left by the unfortunate fate given to this man.

I have watched so many tears fall this past year, so many good people crumble before my eyes, all because of the pain we have all endured together watching helplessly as Jim battled cancer..and as much as we each wished we could take away his pain, we were only left standing with our hands tied and our heads hanging low.. This has been a cruel year, one with false hopes of recovery after a double surgery that was so painful that after that day to now he has not spent a day without pain, followed by a devastating aggressive return claiming that we had only one year left to be a part of what was left of jim's life, and then, as if one year wasn't leaving us all feeling robbed, the cancer had spread from your lungs into your brain, more rapidly then expected and within Weeks you were unable to stand or walk, we have been by you're bedside day and night watching one ability after another being stolen from you..

And helpless we remain as now you no longer wake up, no longer squeeze our hand, no longer speak, and we watch you struggling to breath.. It scares me to see how quickly someone can be taken away from us.. It scares me even more that cancer does not favor good or bad, black or white, male or female.. It is a cruel disease that takes who it wants at will...

I pray that when you pass you will find your place in gods kingdom. I pray that you walk beside Jesus and are finally free of all the pain this life has caused you.. I pray that you can finally rest and not worry about The family you created and are leaving behind.. Because once you cross through heavens gates, you will not worry for us here on earth for we will join you one day.. we will all walk again with you some day.

I love you, and for as long as you are here with us on earth, I will watch over you.. Because I know when you are finally in heaven, you will once again take your place in watching over all of us..

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Broken Hour Glass

So we thought being given a year left with you was devestating enough, it has only been a couple months and already you are no longer the same person you were a year ago.. Last december is when we found out that you were sick. The day before we found out may have been the last day that we didn't worry day in and day out about you.. but today... Today, they took away the year we were given and the hour glass was cracked. In just the past few weeks, you have lost your ability to stand and walk. You have become a person and a personality I no longer recognize. You spend most of your time planning out your next cigarette or beer or pain medication.. and the other part of your time sleeping or staring off into nowhere. They had a party for you last weekend, they called it a celebration of your life, a reunion.. they called it evrything then what it really was, a goodbye party.
I have never been to such a thing, but I was there, behind the scenes, trying to do as much as I could helping strangers I have never met before feel comfortable and welcome, guess that is what I am good at. I bought you a journal and I spent a lot of my night chasing people down asking them to leave you a private written message for you to read. I made sure your children signed and wrote in it first.. and I was near last before I finally wrote the things that I wanted to say. I don't even know if you know I was the one who put together this journal, I have seen it sitting in 2 positions in your livingroom, so I am assuming you have been reading it. I wonder what everyone else said. I hope what I said wasnt too much, or not enough.
Back to my point, today we found out that the cancer has spread to your brain.. It has only been heresay to me, but  I am thinking I heard that you could live a few more weeks or a few more months, but you are still deciding whether or not you would like to have radiation therapy done to your brain tumors. I heard one dr tell you that it would help restore your ability to walk, and another dr tell you that once those abilities are lost, they are hard to get them back, I am not sure what to believe or trust in, but the truth is, radiation will not cure you, only help relieve the syptoms that the tumor and swelling of your brain is causing the rest of your body. I read that some of the symptoms of the cancer spreading to your brain can be personality changes, loss of judgement, loss of speech, and memory loss... who will you be then? It is just crazy to think that we will possibly not even know you anymore and vice versa. That this personality change could be good or bad, but either way, it will be the new you until the end.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Aries Taurus Cusp

A few years ago I found out that I was born on a cusp, which solidified my disdain for being associated with some of the qualities or traits of a Taurus. I just did't feel it fit me in so many ways.. the worst part was always *enjoys the finer things in life* Truly that is not me, I enjoy the simple things in life... ir *materialistic* Yes this too bothered me, because I am quite the opposite...lucky for me, I have been given a new set of astrological traits that I amazingly have found to be agreeable to a better extent than ever before.

April 19 to April 24
Individuals born on the Aries-Taurus cusp have a dominant personality… you always know when they are in the room. They can make quite an impression on those around them. Their forceful personalities make them good leaders when they choose to be. They are also commonly found climbing the corporate ladder, becoming well known freelancers or running any situation, whether it is at home or in business.
Aries-Taurus does not like to submit to the authority of others. They must beware of being overwhelmed by their own ambition. They are conflicted between their Aries and Taurus counterparts. Aries wishes them to be impulsive, energetic and intuitive, while Taurus is practical, sensuous and well-grounded. This may cause conflicts between practicality and dreams. In some cases, Aries-Taurus Cusp works well, with Taurus tempering the fiery boldness of Aries to a strong, determined realism. They may, at times, show a lack of emotional sensitivity that may be alarming to some.
Aries-Taurus must fight their immovable nature with their forceful nature. It may take a long time for them to reach a balance that works well for them. They will need to learn to support their wish for stability with their aggressive side.
Aries-Taurus is good at strategizing; allowing them to overcome what may seem like overwhelming odds. If they follow their instinct, they will know precisely when the right time is to act. Taurus helps Aries to plan each detail in preparation for their goal, so they almost always succeed.

Aries-Taurus should learn to sit back and watch sometimes so they don't overwhelm others. It is difficult for them to sit back and watch others do tasks when they know they can do it better. If they can keep the feelings of others in mind, they will fare well.
They enjoy challenges of all kinds, whether it is in business, sports or intellectual areas. They play as hard as they work. They are known to be flirtatious, bold, opinionated, strong, quiet, talented, sensitive, humorous, money-oriented, eloquent, dependable, practical, patient, aggressive, helpful, aloof, stubborn, jealous, moody, fickle, over-sensitive, quarrelsome and changeable. Quite a handful, aren't they?
The Aries-Taurus Cusp is also known as the Cusp of Power. You can probably see why when they have so much going for them. They have the amazing ability to get into a project and really run with it all the way to its conclusion.
They enjoy doing things for their family and friends, but it is easy to let this get out of hand. They prefer to follow their own instincts rather than follow the rules. This can cause trouble if they are not cautious. They may think they know it all, but they'll get along better if they don't act like it. While plans that go awry make them really annoyed, when they use a practical bent to their tasks, it generally works out better.
Those born on the Aries-Taurus cusp may be mechanically inclined, with the ability to stick with the job long enough to figure out any problems that arise.


No matter what I do, I am always going to be the wrong one, the victim, the punching bag..
Being judged from the outside, by people who have no clue what I witness and struggle through each day.. and I am expected to show love and compassion while i'm being beaten down emotionally, spiritually, mentally?? I'm supposed to suppress my own emotion out of..respect?
When you start to loose faith in humanity.. Take a look around At the humans you surround yourself with...

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Don't wake me...

Please don’t try to wake me
Just leave me here, leave me be
I always lose him when I open my eyes
Id rather be lost in this memory
My heart only beats through shallow breaths of sleep
Please don’t come searching within my soul
There is nothing to see, move along
Dare not to wonder what went wrong
Just turn off the light, walk away
Pretend you never saw me this way
Please don’t ask me to try to stand
You can show me nothing I have not seen
No place to take me I have not been
I’ve Already reached for a lovers hand
Dared to dance, already ran
My heart only beats through shallow breaths of sleep
Please don’t think you can change the way I feel
For once I had believed that true love was real
But now I rest on shattered ground
Run quickly from this wreckage found
Please don’t wonder why I have become a perfect waste
I could love you until I am full..
But I am no longer able to taste
So please, don’t try to wake me
As long as I am sleeping, I am being held in his arms
As long as I am able to dream, I don’t have to hurt
I am still dancing when I Close my eyes
He whispers my name to silence my cries
In dream I never have to know he left me sleeping
…in the dirt
I bid you farewell one last time
There is nothing here left to keep
I am serving this sentence
For someone else’s crime
My heart left barely beating
…through shallow breaths of sleep
-Catherine D.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The HUGE turn-around

Sometimes my Real life and my Writer's life coincide...

This is one of those moments!! **********************************************************************
Joliet Junior College
Department of Nursing Education, Allied Health & Emergency Services

October, 2012

Dear Student,

Congratulations! You have been accepted into the EVENING nursing program at Joliet Junior College for the Spring 2013 semester.
(a bunch of technical stuff I dont need to share here)

Welcome to Nursing!

I imagined myself in a big group of girls screaming and jumping up and down in unison when I got the Phone call this morning!!

On October 10th, I posted this update " Hoping to get an "Acceptance" email within the next 2 weeks, preferably (sp) next week.. Only positive thoughts on this subject.. I am WILLING my acceptance in this program by imagining I am definitely getting accepted lol.. seriously... I Am! :p"

Could it be.. even through all the turmoil, distress, depression.. that one Belief in myself, that one Positive thought sent out into the world.. worked its magic.. and came back to me??

Monday, October 22, 2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012



“Dear Student,
Thank you for applying for the Nursing Program at Joliet Junior College but due to the large number of well qualified applicants this semester and limited spaces available we were unable to meet your request for admission to the Spring 2013 class.
Of the accepted students, the average TEAS V score was 78.6%; the average TEAS V reading score was 85.6%; the ave...
rage GPA was a 3.6; most students had their 6 General Education classes completed.”

I am devastated, emotionally, mentally, physically just sickened by this.. I got this last night at about midnight and I am, well there are no words, well tons of words, but I am embarrassed? Ashamed? Why am I not Good enough??

My Teas V score 81.3%; my TeasV Reading 90.3%; My average GPA 4.0 and why didn't I get in?
The only logical reason is 2, yes 2 of the 6 gen eds that need to be completed only Prior to ENTERING/STARTING the program, I am still taking and acing mind you. But as stated in the application regulations, that is “OK” they only require you be registered and taking the one or 2 classes you still need, in fact you are not even able to apply if you aren’t registered for/completed any of these 6 classes…

So my scores, my GPA, my obvious Amazing Personality and caring heart (that they still have no clue exists) WERE ABOVE what they accepted.. And here I sit, feeling worthless. Like everything I have done is for nothing…

Now, come on a little journey with me, I have never done this out loud before but hell why not, you all already know I am crazy anyway.

There must be a reason for this, and this is how I know. I have told GOD on many occasions, “I will put everything I am into this (whatever I have set my mind to) but I will trust that where I end up and what path you create ahead of me, is where you have led me. I will trust you>” I am not kidding. I know some of you have no clue about my genuine relationship with God and my Faith in trusting his guidance, but is not what I am here to talk about, I tell him this a lot, with ALL of the life changes or choices, I have been through, Every time I have found myself feeling like I am staring at a 10 foot tall brick wall and I want to just break down and give up.. God sends his ideas to me.. He GUIDEs ME and shows me how Very important it is that he has sent ME here to earth, and that I WILL serve my purpose (not just lay there and give up).
When I first returned to school, I was going into Radiology, not because I felt it was something I would enjoy, that would have been Ultrasound technology, and not ALL of that field, only the scanning babies, but we all know, that is not ALL these people do, but I was blinded by the idea and knew JJC, the closest cheapest college I could afford had a Radiology program (which is where you need to start before ultrasound) SO there I went and wasn’t passionate about the idea, I really just wanted to have a career that made decent money. At that point, if you told me, &^%* makes $60,000 a year, I’m not sure I would have cared what XYZ was; I’d have probably went for it. I didn’t care much for the idea of only knowing a patient for 5-20 minutes then sending the on their way and never seeing them again.


So I was on a fast track to making money and getting a career that I could be “proud” of.. Second semester registration… BRICK WALL.. One of the classes I absolutely needed to continue MY plan was filled, the idea of being set back 6 months was intolerable to me, IM TOO OLD TO WAIT, So I looked around at other colleges and really couldn’t figure a way to either Afford them or drive 45 minutes there and then back 3-4 nights a week.. So I decided.. well hell, I’m already on a medical path class wise, I should aim for the RN program.. I know I just made that decision sound so easy and UN thought out, but I did think about it for a few weeks.. There was so much in my mind that changed about my future with the idea of becoming a nurse, but I do not want to get into this either.. So my path was changed and sometimes I wonder if God isn’t just the one saving me from brick walls, but also sometimes setting one down in front of me to stop me for a moment and give me time to think things through.. Because when I want something I AM definitely like a train blazing towards my destination.

(I just looked up and I say SO a lot in my story telling.. note to self, work on that)

Soooooo….yes, I am hurting, very badly actually, because now I am sitting here in front of this brick wall, I can see the brightest light shining from all around it (yes, I could just walk around it, but it’s not part of my path) and I know I need to sit and think.. WHY?? Why is right now not the time, and already in my life, and in my immediate happenings, I can see some of the possibilities of WHY? But also, FINALLY, I am going to contact Saint Francis University Monday and see if I can receive enough financial aid to be a part of their bridge program.. which is where I take most of my classes at JJC (where I am at) then bridge into getting my Bachelors (with SFU) In my first semester I heard a girl talking about because she was in Phi theta Kappa and her gpa was so great, she got a full ride there… I ALSO fit these criteria, but I also heard their program Is days.. Which is NOT good for me with my job… ughhhh I forgot about that. Anyhow, I am not going to assume anything. I will go there and ask all the questions I need to ask to decide if that is the path I am supposed to take.

I register for classes tomorrow for Spring semester, and I already have had plan B (mental) in the works for a while now with making sure I have the appropriate classes taken in order to transfer to SFU… and also working towards an Associates in Art, so tomorrow, I register for Microbiology, Statistics, and Chemistry 100 (which I’m not sure I need because my high school grade somehow makes jjc say you don’t need it, but I think SFU requires a college credit)
Enough with the details that most of you probably view as radio instructions (lol I always loved that phrase)

The thing is, yes, I want to die, but for some ungodly known reason I am not allowed, so Instead, I will leave, go work out, try to not tell anyone I SUCK and didn’t get into the program this semester because it will make me burst into tears, come home, go to breakie with Jimison, take nunu and the girls to go see Brave, go to church at 5:30, drink coffee, cry more, pray, cry even more, and try to figure shit out… Ummmmm yeahhhhh I think that is it for now… wiping my tears and heading out the door with a heavy heart.

Oh I forgot to mention there is a SLIGHT chance they could call me if enough people decided to not fill their slot in the program, my odds were even more squeezed being that I HAVE to choose the night program so I can still work, and the night program is smaller. The OTHER tiny light at the end of the tunnel.. the nursing program and facility expansion will be finished this spring, so by Fall 2014 when I would start, because there is no reason I shouldn’t be accepted after these classes are out of the way (IF I am even still at JJC) they will be accepting a larger number of applicants per semester. Ok I said it, but no, still didn’t make me feel better.. Guess it will just take some time to swallow.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Stay Alive..

How are We, as humans, supposed to heal and forgive, while we are still being cut open daily? How are we to be able to stop bleeding when the moment the dagger is removed from our heart, it is immediately stabbed into our spine?

I sit in a recovery group... and I leave only to sit in my car and think to myself.. I am Not recovering from anything. I am still living it.

I am merely Coping.

Treading Water. Barely able to keep my head above water. If I were recovering, I would have swam or washed up to the shore after nearly drowning and be laying there. Recovery to me would be sitting there and washing myself of the pain and residue of the struggle, Spitting the water from my lungs. Waiting for the blood to course through my veins again to warm my body. A rescue team rushing in to help me stand as they wrap a blanket around me..

I am not recovering.

I am just trying to stay alive until I make it to the shore.

-Catherine D.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I am a dying man’s worst friend..

September 13, 2012

There is a day coming. A day we must all face in our own way and in our own time. A day that someone we love will leave this earth. A day that he will no longer be here to turn to when we need advice. A day that his laughter or silly jokes will no longer fill the room. We are told he has a year to live. When we were children, a year seemed like a long time. Like too long to wait for something we really looked forward to. We couldn’t wait to be a year older, an inch taller, a grade higher or a step closer to that next milestone in life… But this is a year that we do not want to happen. This is a year that each day will pass begrudgingly as we watch this hour glass run out, as we watch each moment we have left with him blow out the window... This is the year that Hope is no longer in our vocabulary and there are no more straws to grasp at.

Many people have their own ways of coping; some people have no ways of coping at all. This is my way... living it out like a story, writing it from a distance like it is not really happening to me, like we are watching a movie, and at the end of the movie the world will keep turning and the movie will only be a memory left in the back of our minds. This is my secret little place to feel my pain without spreading it into everyone else around me already hurting and lost. This is my place to figure things out along the way... A place to put my memories, thoughts, and fears for this year to come. A way to dig my nails into the ground and leave my mark screaming that I will not let this year pass without dragging me away kicking and screaming.


I am a dying man’s worst friend. Not because I do not care, but because I care too much. I am overcome with such grief and sadness in watching you fade away that I do not know how to act around you… and that is what it is ACTING. Because inside of me I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you until I am physically unable to do it anymore. So I find myself avoiding you, avoiding eye contact. Afraid of you, because I am afraid I will break down right in front of you. As if you are not already suffering enough with your own inner struggles, I do not want to become the slightest ounce of added pain in your life. So I hold my breath and try to breathe very slowly when I have to be near you. I am repeating phrases inside my head like “Don’t break” and praying you don’t say anything that is going to remind me, You are dying.

The first time I saw you after we got the news, I know the truth hadn’t hit me yet, it still hasn’t, it has only been 3 days. But now every word you say to me is going to become a painful memory, How can I enjoy another minute with you KNOWING that soon, everything we are doing now, is going to tear my heart apart when I think about it?

“Who loves you?” That is the first thing you said to me after we found out. You wrapped your arm over me as I replied “You do” I fought those tears with everything I am, I stayed strong… for you... and I saved them for now, for this very page. Here where I hide my pain. Here where I am only watching from far away... Safe from the pain.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I want to heal..

"You know there is a part of me that will always know the truth.. A part that will never take a street light going out as I pass under it for granted.. A part that will never forget dancing in the rain.. A part that will always know that I am the center of my universe and you are revolving my destiny.. However long you were here, whenever you go.. You will never forget.. That part of me."

This thought crossed my mind as I was out for my walk tonight.. stopping occassionally to take in the moon.. Almost full but still so beautiful.. and I wondered for a moment How long it had been since I stared at it the way I did tonight... and like a flash back the very first time I daydreamed while staring at the moon came back to me, and every other time after that was significant in my life.. I will never forget those nights or the emotion and feeling tied to them... but the truth is, although I will never forget those moments, and never forget those emotions, I despise that I do not get to feel them all of the time.. That they get buried and set aside for mundane day to day life activities. Tucked away, it feels like I have forgotten.. and  I feel guilty when I find it again!

I love losing myself in the magical memories of my past. I love to forget the shadows that are hanging over my head right now. I Love to remember the power I once dwelled in and how euphoric the love I once held was.. I love to taste the fear of the unknown again, before I knew what it was.. or before I never saw what it was again to ever find out..

Tonight, I am just that lost little girl on the beginning of her path to healing this "Unknown" in her life. I want to get rid of all these negative feelings inside me, all of the shame and guilt and pain, I want to heal so I can stop hating everything around me... But WHAT IS KIlling me???? How can I heal from a secret? How can I cope with a Surprise Emotion that falls in my lap and says deal with me? Has the pile become so huge that I cannot pinpoint one moment or occassion or failure or loss or rejection that I am completely LOST as to where to start? Where do I start? Should I write myself a list?
 I think I am afraid of the Truth.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Pretend and Seek

There is an ache I lie awake with.. An absence of mind and soul.. Waiting for a new day to begin..
Praying to leave behind what eats at me..
There are many eyes that seek me.. And yet there is that one soul whose eyes have never fell into mine..
And I take him with me into my dream..
I believe he exists, because I have spent my whole life believing in him.. But I have not spent my whole life waiting..
I have existed and made life what I thought it should be
I have taken little comfort in pretending to be complete.. And at times, I thought maybe I truly was.
But the emptiness has told me otherwise..because it is still there to speak at all
Now there are many challenges.. A fortress built around me
And I have become my own demise..

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

August Update

My God I think about this place all the time and how alive I feel when I am able to delve into this part of me and experience the emotional and deepened side of my soul. I regret that I cannot be here everyday analyzing my inner self, my past, my future, my thoughts and words have been imprisoned from being so busy in life but I think sometimes I also run from myself and fear my own thoughts. I know the more I hide the less I feel. I DO want to feel, no matter how raw it may be at times, but I am so damn afraid of everything that comes with it. I can only hope each day that each step I am taking is bringing me closer to an ending in my life that leaves me with a smile!

Monday, January 30, 2012

It doesn't matter how high you hold your head up..

...When you are walking at the bottom of the sea..

This past month and December have been 2 of the worst months I have experienced in such a long time. There is a pain and an emotional instability that I never thought I would have to face again.. but then, out of sight out of mind. Once I had made it through times such as these, I had forgot how insane I had been driven to become :(

You know, being here and writing, sharing, feeling, was a place I wanted to be, then the havoc in my life started and I felt myself pulling more and more away from the things that made me feel good. On top of the chaos, full time school started up again and for the first time I heard myself say outloud during a break down.. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about school, I just want to give up trying. Hours later after I was somewhat stable again, I couldn't believe after all of these years of dreaming and praying to be able to go back to school, that these words had come out of my mouth.. I was ashamed and yet, I still couldn't find it in me to fight anymore. Not that day anyhow.

At this moment, I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm, or holding on in the calm after the storm.. I dont know what is behind door number 2, I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring, and I don't know where the hell I am going to get the strength to make it through anything else..

I avoid using details because A. some are embarrassing, maybe even shameful.. traumatic but not something people talk about. B. Some of these things are a matter of life and death.. although it is not my life or death, it will extremely and has already extremely effected my immediate family and myself. C. There is a poetic beauty to every tragedy, and in my vagueness, I plan to find something beautiful in the end of all of this. A way to harness the emotion and paint a story.

Sometimes when you are lying there bleeding.. you have that moment of serenity and clarity.. perhaps that moment of hope and strength.. I think those are the moments that have pushed me to just make it out alive one more day...even though the war is not over, and I see no end in sight.. what doesnt kill me.. will EVENTUALLY make me stronger.. *sigh*

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

No one is listening..

I often find it strange that I am writing a blog and I feel I am speaking to someone..
but no one is listening..
But then I feel maybe one day, my past will be interesting.. and they will search for these tiny treasures in the world that meant something to me..
Like a beautiful song implies, it isnt until you are dead when people start listening..
Maybe this is my way to live on forever..
I have kept written journals from my past locked away in my closet.. perhaps someday.. someone from the future will care enough to read them..
I guess no one has found me interesting enough to want to know everything about me.. every thought, every care, every worry.. every random quirky epiphany I had on that day..
Luckily I find myself interesting enough to archive these things of my life.. and I find it just as interesting to go back and read my lonely words..
Am I in love with myself?
Someone needs to be hahah!!
I have so many friends that pretend to care.. but do they? Is it so wrong to want someone to be enthralled with me? Is it so wrong to wish I found someone that I could feel the same about?
I am starting to wonder if my dreams and beliefs were too far fetched to begin with..
if my ideas of Love and soul mates have become more of fairy tales and daydreams.. things that do not exist.. But why cant they?
I cant be the only one..