Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The HUGE turn-around

Sometimes my Real life and my Writer's life coincide...

This is one of those moments!! **********************************************************************
Joliet Junior College
Department of Nursing Education, Allied Health & Emergency Services

October, 2012

Dear Student,

Congratulations! You have been accepted into the EVENING nursing program at Joliet Junior College for the Spring 2013 semester.
(a bunch of technical stuff I dont need to share here)

Welcome to Nursing!

I imagined myself in a big group of girls screaming and jumping up and down in unison when I got the Phone call this morning!!

On October 10th, I posted this update " Hoping to get an "Acceptance" email within the next 2 weeks, preferably (sp) next week.. Only positive thoughts on this subject.. I am WILLING my acceptance in this program by imagining I am definitely getting accepted lol.. seriously... I Am! :p"

Could it be.. even through all the turmoil, distress, depression.. that one Belief in myself, that one Positive thought sent out into the world.. worked its magic.. and came back to me??

Monday, October 22, 2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012



“Dear Student,
Thank you for applying for the Nursing Program at Joliet Junior College but due to the large number of well qualified applicants this semester and limited spaces available we were unable to meet your request for admission to the Spring 2013 class.
Of the accepted students, the average TEAS V score was 78.6%; the average TEAS V reading score was 85.6%; the ave...
rage GPA was a 3.6; most students had their 6 General Education classes completed.”

I am devastated, emotionally, mentally, physically just sickened by this.. I got this last night at about midnight and I am, well there are no words, well tons of words, but I am embarrassed? Ashamed? Why am I not Good enough??

My Teas V score 81.3%; my TeasV Reading 90.3%; My average GPA 4.0 and why didn't I get in?
The only logical reason is 2, yes 2 of the 6 gen eds that need to be completed only Prior to ENTERING/STARTING the program, I am still taking and acing mind you. But as stated in the application regulations, that is “OK” they only require you be registered and taking the one or 2 classes you still need, in fact you are not even able to apply if you aren’t registered for/completed any of these 6 classes…

So my scores, my GPA, my obvious Amazing Personality and caring heart (that they still have no clue exists) WERE ABOVE what they accepted.. And here I sit, feeling worthless. Like everything I have done is for nothing…

Now, come on a little journey with me, I have never done this out loud before but hell why not, you all already know I am crazy anyway.

There must be a reason for this, and this is how I know. I have told GOD on many occasions, “I will put everything I am into this (whatever I have set my mind to) but I will trust that where I end up and what path you create ahead of me, is where you have led me. I will trust you>” I am not kidding. I know some of you have no clue about my genuine relationship with God and my Faith in trusting his guidance, but is not what I am here to talk about, I tell him this a lot, with ALL of the life changes or choices, I have been through, Every time I have found myself feeling like I am staring at a 10 foot tall brick wall and I want to just break down and give up.. God sends his ideas to me.. He GUIDEs ME and shows me how Very important it is that he has sent ME here to earth, and that I WILL serve my purpose (not just lay there and give up).
When I first returned to school, I was going into Radiology, not because I felt it was something I would enjoy, that would have been Ultrasound technology, and not ALL of that field, only the scanning babies, but we all know, that is not ALL these people do, but I was blinded by the idea and knew JJC, the closest cheapest college I could afford had a Radiology program (which is where you need to start before ultrasound) SO there I went and wasn’t passionate about the idea, I really just wanted to have a career that made decent money. At that point, if you told me, &^%* makes $60,000 a year, I’m not sure I would have cared what XYZ was; I’d have probably went for it. I didn’t care much for the idea of only knowing a patient for 5-20 minutes then sending the on their way and never seeing them again.


So I was on a fast track to making money and getting a career that I could be “proud” of.. Second semester registration… BRICK WALL.. One of the classes I absolutely needed to continue MY plan was filled, the idea of being set back 6 months was intolerable to me, IM TOO OLD TO WAIT, So I looked around at other colleges and really couldn’t figure a way to either Afford them or drive 45 minutes there and then back 3-4 nights a week.. So I decided.. well hell, I’m already on a medical path class wise, I should aim for the RN program.. I know I just made that decision sound so easy and UN thought out, but I did think about it for a few weeks.. There was so much in my mind that changed about my future with the idea of becoming a nurse, but I do not want to get into this either.. So my path was changed and sometimes I wonder if God isn’t just the one saving me from brick walls, but also sometimes setting one down in front of me to stop me for a moment and give me time to think things through.. Because when I want something I AM definitely like a train blazing towards my destination.

(I just looked up and I say SO a lot in my story telling.. note to self, work on that)

Soooooo….yes, I am hurting, very badly actually, because now I am sitting here in front of this brick wall, I can see the brightest light shining from all around it (yes, I could just walk around it, but it’s not part of my path) and I know I need to sit and think.. WHY?? Why is right now not the time, and already in my life, and in my immediate happenings, I can see some of the possibilities of WHY? But also, FINALLY, I am going to contact Saint Francis University Monday and see if I can receive enough financial aid to be a part of their bridge program.. which is where I take most of my classes at JJC (where I am at) then bridge into getting my Bachelors (with SFU) In my first semester I heard a girl talking about because she was in Phi theta Kappa and her gpa was so great, she got a full ride there… I ALSO fit these criteria, but I also heard their program Is days.. Which is NOT good for me with my job… ughhhh I forgot about that. Anyhow, I am not going to assume anything. I will go there and ask all the questions I need to ask to decide if that is the path I am supposed to take.

I register for classes tomorrow for Spring semester, and I already have had plan B (mental) in the works for a while now with making sure I have the appropriate classes taken in order to transfer to SFU… and also working towards an Associates in Art, so tomorrow, I register for Microbiology, Statistics, and Chemistry 100 (which I’m not sure I need because my high school grade somehow makes jjc say you don’t need it, but I think SFU requires a college credit)
Enough with the details that most of you probably view as radio instructions (lol I always loved that phrase)

The thing is, yes, I want to die, but for some ungodly known reason I am not allowed, so Instead, I will leave, go work out, try to not tell anyone I SUCK and didn’t get into the program this semester because it will make me burst into tears, come home, go to breakie with Jimison, take nunu and the girls to go see Brave, go to church at 5:30, drink coffee, cry more, pray, cry even more, and try to figure shit out… Ummmmm yeahhhhh I think that is it for now… wiping my tears and heading out the door with a heavy heart.

Oh I forgot to mention there is a SLIGHT chance they could call me if enough people decided to not fill their slot in the program, my odds were even more squeezed being that I HAVE to choose the night program so I can still work, and the night program is smaller. The OTHER tiny light at the end of the tunnel.. the nursing program and facility expansion will be finished this spring, so by Fall 2014 when I would start, because there is no reason I shouldn’t be accepted after these classes are out of the way (IF I am even still at JJC) they will be accepting a larger number of applicants per semester. Ok I said it, but no, still didn’t make me feel better.. Guess it will just take some time to swallow.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Stay Alive..

How are We, as humans, supposed to heal and forgive, while we are still being cut open daily? How are we to be able to stop bleeding when the moment the dagger is removed from our heart, it is immediately stabbed into our spine?

I sit in a recovery group... and I leave only to sit in my car and think to myself.. I am Not recovering from anything. I am still living it.

I am merely Coping.

Treading Water. Barely able to keep my head above water. If I were recovering, I would have swam or washed up to the shore after nearly drowning and be laying there. Recovery to me would be sitting there and washing myself of the pain and residue of the struggle, Spitting the water from my lungs. Waiting for the blood to course through my veins again to warm my body. A rescue team rushing in to help me stand as they wrap a blanket around me..

I am not recovering.

I am just trying to stay alive until I make it to the shore.

-Catherine D.