Thursday, May 15th, 2003
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.
All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.
*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..
That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..
The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...
His silence has been a delicate array of torture...
HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.
He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.
Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"
He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.
My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...
I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.
It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.
I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
As it would be mine.
If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.
Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..
Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all
I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!
Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.
..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.
I can almost taste his devine lips..
Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"
because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.
I am different...I know this.
I was MAde this way for a reason..
I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!
I Feel Soul.
I Need Soul.
Nothing is real...nothing...
Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...
To blind you.
I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...
I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..
I am here now.
Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...
Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..
Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..
I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.
Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;
In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.
Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...
I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..
Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...
Are You ready...to be..complete?
Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?
I love you.
You are "the one"