Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A few thoughts..

Today was the first "last day before christmas break" that I did not receive one gift from the kids on my bus.. not One card or candy cane or cookie... Not a mug or candle.. just Nothing.. I am not a greedy person, I am a sentimental person who has saved every picture or card given to me in the 7 years that I have been doing this job.. and sadly, I have nothing to save this year.. only the memory of sticky fingers from the candy canes pased out to them and one kid puking on my bus this morning..
Merry Christmas Miss Katie...

Many years I have only received one or two cards or small gifts, like a home made ornament or a candle from the dollar store.. but it was the thought that made me tear up.. and this year Not one parent thought of me.. I remember my first year I was SURPRISED that anyone thought of me.. but they did.. and I was like wow.. maybe I am appreciated.. (and I am going to keep this part of the post non-hostile) There is no magical message to pull out of this.. My optimism has been worn thin this month. So, Yeah, it was a rant.. and I dont care to put anymore thought into it..

So far today I have cleaned up puke, changed a shitty diaper and gained a pound since I woke up eating nothing.. I know its been awesome..

On another note.. I have found a place for my poetic side in an amazing community of support at deviant art.. who knew they had a literature/poetry community.. seems to go hand in hand.. since I have found much inspiration from DA in the past by viewing through the visual art over there.. The great thing has really been the response, the comments, the faves, the friends.. I dont know how, but it inspires me to write.. and also to write better.

I think it is time that my writing takes a new step up in maturity.. I love to eiminate simplicity when it comes to writing and tie in metaphoric messages that few may get, but those that do Really get it.
I hope I can make use of this little vacation from college and work to write a new piece before the new year.. I am feeling creative and can only hope that that in which pours out of me is worth writing..

I dont think I am going to work out today.. I still have a lot of wrapping to do and I need to get it done this afternoon.. NOT christmas eve. This will be my first christmas eve and christmas morning with my kids in about 5 years.. so I am pretty excited and I want to make some memories (hopefully) Anti-anxiety pills here I come lol!!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Awakening..

Wow.. I wish wow was all I could say... but this dream last night was insane..

The simple facts..
I was standing in the mirror and saw about 2 inches of a metal stake sticking out of the right side of my chest.. there was blood around it and I was not horrified because I had seen it there from previous dreams.. i touched it a bit and I could tell that it would move if I pulled it.. but I was afraid.. I moved it about half an inch out and it started bleeding pretty bad.. so I hurried and put my shirt back on and decided to ignore it.. for now

Somehow I was homeless and carrying a baby around.. and I found out I was in another country.. because I kept thinking I need to get to a hospital and get this stake taken out. But I was afraid they wouldnt take my insurance in another country.. I was afraid of what would happen if I pulled it out myself.. would I bleed to death? would there be a gaping hole? I knew I needed medical professionals to be there to FIX me.. I dont know. but I do know it had been in there so long there was scar tissue forming around it..

I was at this homeless shelter.. and I remember hiding my purse and taking a shower with my clothes on in this open gym looking shower next to another lady with her clothes on..I remember feeling like I just wanted to wash my hair.. I just wanted to feel clean..

Now the not so simple facts.. the dream interpretation...

The Dehabilitation
The baby.. well I always have a baby. I have always had my children to put before me and think about first.. but the fact that everything I was doing in this dream was One handed, because i was always holding this baby in my other arm cradled against me.. Always protecting them and yet being hindered by their presence.. I am not resentful of this, but I am dehabilitated by this in  so many ways

Finding Home
I had this overwhelming sense of not being lost by being homeless, but feeling like I had nowhere to FEEL safe. I felt uneasy and worried and controlled in ways by the shelter.. I was not free and I was uncomfortable. It makes me see that this is how I feel in my waking life. Truly and honestly I cannot run and hide from HIM.. even when I go to another place in the house.. he is still here and able to cause damage and he often does.. yelling from the basement or coming up and finding something the kids have done wrong... especially when he is already in one of his moods.. and as much as I should feel that this is my safe haven.. that this is my home and my heart should feel at ease here.. it doesnt..not unless he is at work.. that is the only time I truly feel comfortable being "home"

The Removal
This... is the most powerful message from this dream.. one that many may not agree with, but it is my mind, my emotion, my dream, my epiphany.. and This is the message I received last night through this dream.. or was it through the awakening?
I have had this stake in my chest for years.. i have dreamt of it for years.. and yet nothing ever urged me to take it out.. At any point I ever thought to take it out, I always thought, no it would kill me.. I would bleed to death.. Not this time. This time I started thinking above that.. planning to have the medical professionals or in real life The life saving crew, standing by to repair the damage as best as they can and hope I make it through the surgery....Finally in this dream, I Wanted it to be removed.. i wanted it out and I wanted to stop having to work around it. I was ready to take that risk of seeing what would happen when it comes out. I just Despised the fact that it was in there anymore..
But of course all these roadblocks.. who would hold the baby while I went into surgery, how would i pay for it if this other country didnt take my insurance, where would I go to rehabilitate if I had no home??
I think the message is pretty clear..there are and will be road blocks.. but I am going to prepare myself for surgery. I can't live like this any longer. Its killing me either way. People have told me "You will never be happy" people i once loved or had a relationship with.. and at one point I started to believe this.. but now i am thinking to myself.. "What kind of fucked up person tells someone this?" Just because YOU couldnt make me happy.. doesnt mean my happiness doesnt exist..
I am a pretty damn happy person on my own.. I just need someone with the same personality.

Well I know this may be confusing to some, but it is crystal fucking clear to me..


Sunday, December 11, 2011

So Dim...

I just woke up, eyes swollen from yesterdays breakdown, and I am truly not sure if I would rather still be lingering in last nights dream or todays reality.

Yesterday started out as such a good day.. and quickly snowballed into a day that I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say Fuck Everything.. I really dont want to go into details, because what caused this disturbance is done and over with.. The question is, Where do I go from here? How do I "deal" with it? How do I "learn" from it? How do I "accept" it?

I would like to think I am a fairly emotional stable person.. In the eye of danger I tend to not only stay straight faced and void all thoughts of panic, but I take charge of the situation fearlessly. I do what needs to be done. My mind works so clear at these moments... After the resolution.. after I am out of the situation and back into safety.. THAT is when I lose it.. never fails.

My heart just starts painfully ripping itself apart, blame is thrown every which way in my mind, usually at myself, Chest aching, tears streaming, the inability to talk without crying harder.. Hatng myself, my life, wanting to lay down and die, wishing I werent alive, HATING Life and all the bullshit I have to get through just to have one fucking day worth smiling for... What is that? Oh My good friend the mental breakdown.

Apparently this dark shadow took me yesterday and did not want to let me go.. in fact he stuck around in my dreams and is still lingering not so quietly within my soul. In the silence of the morning, before anyone chose to wake me or themselves for that matter... I wake up and get to listen to the silence of the house as the war in my mind seems miles at distance, it may have moved onward, but I can still hear it, it is still visible in the distance, and I am standing here with bodies all around me...

I made it out of that battle alive.. and though the bodies in their death veils seems somewhat confusing to me.. I can only assume these are some my guardians laying there motionless..
The reasons in life
to NOT give up
to NOT hate myself
to NOT choose eternal sleep over all else...

Because these Reasons, these "Guardians", love me so much, they would die by my side..
 They would die FOR me just to give me one more day of breath if they had to choose...

and for me, in that moment of my most recent battle, where I wanted to throw down my defenses and let the darkness take me away.. where I was so weary and exhausted by battle after battle, one hit after another, constantly defending my life, my happiness, my light... to give up would solve nothing, shatter lives, create darkness in so many live... to take away my light, would be a selfish act of great proportions..

They rose up around me and showed me light when I could no longer remember its existence...
Through being what I have been known to be.. In mirror image..
Strength to the weak..
Voice for the silent..
Beacon for the Lost..

I have shown my soul to so many over the years, without fear..
Today, in the aftermath, I need to find reason
I have to remember what many of my friends in life may Never understand..
His purpose for me..

I NEED to continue my journey..

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This could get messy...

Obviously my last post was a Long drawn out rant about getting ready to start school.. and now here I am 2 weeks from semester Wiser and more comfortable with the idea that my brain has Not turned to mush.. In fact I have surprised myself with an almost A+ average in all of my classes...

Sure sure this is only my first semester back in 10 years, and general ed classes arent that challenging, but I beg to differ in some ways.. I for one never knew Algebra wasnt a rubix cube.. if you only take the time to learn something and truly want to learn it, you can.. well I can (so far anyway) I was a c-d student when it came to algebra in high school.. so for 10+ years, I had the privilege to say I was never good in math.. but now, I have had a new door open up for me.. Hmm Maybe I Can be good in math.

I have realized that school is not a test of what you know, that we were not born with a bucket of knowledge and schools are just there to see what was in YOUR bucket.. Quite the opposite, We were born with a bucket of tools, and schools and teachers are there to TEACH you (wow, odd concept) how to use these tools. It has been an eye opening experience so much so that the speeches with my own kids have changed from, well sometimes we just arent good at things... to, if you Want to be good at it, you need to work for it... ask questions, ask for help, get tutoring...

I never thought I would be the one in class helping Other people learn how to solve an equatic equation.. but I am.. and it feels pretty good.

Now, as for this next semester coming up.. I STILL have anxiety all over again, but for a few different reasons.. I am about to take the next level up in Algebra, and I cant help but feel the same intimidation that I felt back in August :( But I WILL do my best, like I had said before, That is all I have to give. I am honestly still waiting to run into that brick wall that says You CANT do this.. you CANT learn this.. Its too hard.. (I am contradicting myself in my thoughts right now lol) but this is me, this is truth.. this is how I feel and what I fear.

The kids have adjusted well to me going to school, although I have run into a few problems regardless of whether I am in school or not.. Test nights are so stressful for me.. I am on edge and tense and nervous... and I just want peace and serenity and SILENCE... Not going to happen.. unfortunately the kids Will be kids.. and I will be... well... Angry LOL!!

Tomorrow at noon, I will find out if I can get into the Biology class I desperately need (only if someone gets purged for non payment tonight) But I have come to terms since registration day over a month ago that I may NOT get into it this semester.. It also kindled a little fire in me that says, I just cant sit here and do Nothing.. I need to do Something.. Sooooo I changed my Major to Nursing and I will still work on my Radiology degree as the classes become available.. this way, I will have a choice when it comes down to it. Unfortunately at my college there are only 18 seats available into the rad tech program PER YEAR....???!@?@?! ....yeeeaahhh.... SO beginning in January, I am going to apply for as many scholarships for nursing as possible so I can afford the Bridge program into a nearby (overpriced) university of St Francis... Back up plan you ask?? Well JJC offers a less credible RN program, but with 4 kids, a limited income, and limited time.. I have to do what I can do, and just be thankful that I am no longer treading water trying to survive... Sure, I may be swimming upstream.. but atleast I am still swimming and not standing still just accepting life as it is.

I have dreams, and without dreams you dont care to go anywhere other then where you are.. I am not going to watch another year of my life just drift away.. Not anymore...

Welp, Spongebob is on and me and Damien have a date at the Krusty Krab me mateys...
-Katie OUT!! LOL

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Been a long time since I visited my super secrety place.. sometimes I even forget the password.. I do have the memory of a freeze dried Pea.. but yeah. Been doing a lot of Non-thinking lately.. I do NOT want to think and I do NOT want to do.. and yet the anxiety of all the things i need to do and think about feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.. this cycle of avoiding and re-avoiding is most likely not taking me to higher grounds.. because I already feel my feet getting wet.. and I HATE wet socks.
I am afraid for the most part.. hence the anxiety.. I am mainly afraid of failing at school.. HELL I am afraid that if I dont get shit done that I wont even get in this semester at all.. I HATE that I have no one to tell me what to do.. because one minute I thought I had done everything I need to do to register for the fall... and in this minute, I have discovered that I still need to get a HS transcript AND take the act compass test at the college to place me in the correct level of classes.. The good news is the test can basically be taken anytime.. the bad news is.. I NEED TO STUDY for it... and what havent I been doing? Studying.. Why? Because I am afraid that my brain no longer works.. so afraid that I am trying to shut it down.. Can you hear it? The screeching brakes?
I have called the school city of hammond Thrice now over the past 3 days and left 2 messages.. today I spoke with a receptionist that said "Well they leave at 3:30" and I kindly replied, "I called before that and 2 days prior and left messages and no one is returning my calls.." She apologized for them. I confirmed the number with her and she said I could also use an extension # and she put me on hold while she found it... 2 minutes later.. she somehow hung up.. Wonder if she went to hammond schools? Probable!
I Saw my little sis updated her status earlier to "Please please wish me good luck" wth?? what for? So I tried asking on FB, I tried calling twice, and I texted her a few times... NADA.. maybe she wanted luck so today would be better then yesterday for her? lol Who the heck knows... Needless to say her and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend and I wanted to buy tickets early so we can be sure to get in at a Time her and I both need due to our hectic lives.. and I can't get a hold of her for that either.. grrrrr...
Waiting for Jimmy to get home again.. wonder how THAT is going to go... yesterday he was so Lame. I hate looking forward to him coming home because When he is in one of "Those" moods... I just feel so disappointed and ALONE! it is 4:57pm and there is an 80% chance he is going to text me any minute and say.. gonna be late... Sometimes, well a lot of times I think WOW what an incompetant company he works for.. and then I count my blessings that he has a job at all..So I can't complain about him running late.. he does enough of that for the both of us.. not like we ever and I mean EVER have big plans... nah our existence is basically mundane and predictable.. he will come in, complain about work, being tired, being hot, having to shit (50% chance) ask me whats for dinner, then procede to get his stuff together for work tomorrow, ask me if he has clean *enter random peice of clothing here*, then he will most likely play on his ipod whilst laying in bed or the computer... as he lays there he will ask me to go get him something to eat... from a drive thru.. not from the kitchen.. I will say no, he will Promise something.. anything to get me to go lol.. SO LAME *sigh* Why do I look forward to this again? No really.. why?
Luckily I have reserved 2 movies at the redbox and will go pick them as soon as he gets home.. at least I will have the entertainment to numb my mind.. right?
I have been craving steak lately.. man I seriously want a big juicy tender steak..seasoned to perfection. I can almost taste it.. Too bad if I want steak.. I have to make it for myself.. I should have married a chef! ...and a maid.. and a nanny.. and an outdoorsmen to take me camping and roast marshmallows with me.. :(
I am seriously feeling resentment that if I want to do anything.. I basically have to do it alone or twist Jimmys arm 17 times to get him to begrudgingly join me (is that a word?) I want to go camping. I want to go to the zoo, the beach, the museum.. I want to go hiking, hang gliding, deep river water rafting.. I want to travel out of state.. I want to someday tour Europe.. I want to go for walks, go to the park, go swimming, I want to LIVE... I want to interact with adults.. go on double dates.. have partys.. go to partys..
God I am depressing myself

Friday, May 13, 2011


You love to play in simple roles
A careless friend
A laughing fool
To hide beneath the wealthless drought
A heart unscathed
Absent of doubt
But time has not been kind
the lines you watch them spread
Your hand goes empty
Your soul unanswered
The scars all hidden from where you once bled
Your eyes scream in hunger
but your mouth never empty
Yet a sorrow resides
Behind a mask for all to envy
Confusion set aside
A beast yet untamed
In hells breast he hides
Set free from his name
Lie cold on this night
Make dreams of the shadows
Alone you are free
to conjure what follows
No blood to share flame
But desire brings warmth
Enough to ease the pain
from the emptiness within your arms