Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Alright I can do this
Release without worry
Just open up and let it go
Guided by the hand
led to a cliff to choose
A choice I have no clue why i need to make
But has been made obvious
I have to find myself
I thought I had before
But the minute my heart seems lonely
My self walks out the door
I try to see things clearly
I try to fill my time
But nothing seems to replace
the thought of him in my mind
I know i have to push them
Far away inside
to laugh in anothers company
with thoughts of him I hide
To smile and pretend
it is not in my head
that id rather be doing
anything with him instead
To laugh and take it
all with stride
quick to wipe my makeup
from the trail of where i cried
Here I walk further from you
letting you come after me
when your ready to
Here I draw a line
and I will stay on my side
Allowing you to make your choice
To capture your heart
or cling to your pride.
Waiting for you to hear me
I am falling from the silence
Dont you want to speak to me?
I am sensing something different
Im not sure I want to see
I will die this day should you steal my breath
I will fall and clutch the lonliness
There is no chance in finding you
if you hide from me
While im searching for you.
Set me on fire let me burn
Ashes blown as wind flows by
My heart remains as seasons turn
Only finding desperate sighs
Gun in hand
So this is not
What you had planned.
Put me out
this fiery soul
Cast my fears into the wind
If i am no longer whole
Answer me quickly
Am i the one
To hand you a reason to rest
when your day is done
Now take your time
to look through your day
would my not being there
be a better way?
Tell me does it matter much
What signs are brought to you
If you do not want to see them
There is not much left, I can do
Would you tie the bridges
secure and true
to pave a path
from me to you?
Would you steal the waters
from the lonliest sea
To build yourself a river
From you to me?
I do not know what i am doing
Tell me do you know
that late at night I forget to sleep
Still Hoping you will show
But here I am
and your not here
I am learning to live
within my tears
I place my head
in thoughts of you
Just one more pill
to get me through..
Goodnight my love
where ever you rest
I lie alone in the thoughts
My heart has professed
Sleep well my love
and to us a new day
A new chance to fall asleep
with the lonliness washed away
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I am listening to the voices
Telling me what is done is done
It does not matter where I go
This fate is outside of me
It does not matter what I say
It is going to happen anyway
It is shameful that I think I am
more than you had ever planned
Yet I cannot speak
I cannot stand
The vision comes as I had asked
With fiery eyes my heart surpassed
Left to struggle words within
The truth remains inside of him
A heart so open it slowly leaks
The comfort my desperate soul still seeks
Mind so clouded that this may be true
Words so sharp, but never get through
I kneel before you
Head bowed down
But I should be standing
Cause I wear this crown
Condemned by my love
That makes or breaks
Imprisoned to serve
And give all you will take
Chained to your emotions
All tied up in you
When you run, I run faster
To not be a burden on you
Captured in your glances
So sparingly given
Releasing the chances
Of escaping this prison
Prisoner of love, I humble to you
Knowing if these chains were broken
I could not leave
Even if you wanted me to.
I did not know why this feeling came over me. But I know I have had it before. Then I felt this burning in my heart. Something is wrong. I feel it. I do not know what it is, but it is lingering in th shadows. It will eventually be brought to light. I mean all we have is time to wait and see right?
Tonight I called Greg. I told him about these feelings and of course he answered with his usual "I dunno" and "maybe". God I sometimes feel I know this man inside out. But to be honest, I am afraid of him. My heart was telling me to have a heart to heart with him. To sit down and tell him how much he means to you. To take this moment and make it into your own. CReate.. Not Wait. I walked away from his house tonight, too afraid to do that. Instead I did do it on the phone. But it just isnt the same. I let myself down. I let my heart down. Why am I so weak?
I ask myself now, Why? Why am I afraid of him? To be honest. I am simply afraid I am too much for him. I am afraid my emotions are unwanted, my speaking from my heart makes him uncomfortable. He has never shunned me for it. He has always told me to be me, and let him be him. So why am I so afraid? Ohhh I know. Because I do not want to lose him. See most of us would die for someone to stop in their tracks and turn to you and say, "You know, you are so precious to me, I love who you are, and I am so glad you are in my life." But Greg, I dont know, he is different. He doesn't want someone to be attached to him. Someone to need him. Because he does not want to Do that in return. He wants to be a loner, a desperado. And yet I, have penetrated his life. I walked in and stole a little piece of his heart. He is not fighting for it back, but sometimes I feel he fights letting his whole heart become mine.
I fight to be all of what he wants, and as little as possible of what he does not want. Yet, He, does not dance around me as I dance for him. If he is crabby, he will be crabby. If he does not want to be touched, he will not allow himself to be touched. If he wants to hear my voice, he will call me. He said, "Just because I am not calling you, does not mean I am not thinking about you." I get that, and since the day he has said that I hold it in my heart, just as I have every thing he has ever said to me. He has no shame. He appears to have no weakness. He does what he wants, when he wants to do it.. and that is how he is.
So where am I left in all of this. Realizing I "reserve the rights" to speak. I am left asking myself "Why?" That if I hold in what I want to say.. I am not me. If I hold back from touching him when I want to.. I am not me. If I hold back from calling him when I miss him.. I am not me. I cannot love this man inside my head. I must love him in the actions my heart tells me to take.
Kiss him when my lips are lonely. Hold him when my arms feel empty. Reach for him when I want to see him reach back.
Would you rather feel numb? Or would you rather feel your heart swell? Even if you risk feeling it break some day. Would you capture moments as if they were your last? Or would you walk away never knowing what tomorrow brings? That tomorrow they could say goodbye. Tomorrow they could no longer feel what they did today. That Tomorrow, they were unable to feel at all.
At least they will be left with the memory of what it WAS to be loved. To know that this person was strong enough to face their fears of rejection and Open their heart to you. Atleast in the end, there will be no doubt. That your heart was completely theirs, whether they wanted it or not.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Paint me a picture in shades of blue
So when my heart feels lost
I can still find you
Ask me to dance while the rain pours down
So i can dance alone and remember
Where my heart was finally found
Sing to me a song that will forever play in my heart
So i can listen to it again and again
When we have to be apart
Tell me Never, Always, Forever
That nothing in this world
could keep us from being together
I am falling asleep
Writing this for you
But my mouth can't say
What my heart wants me to
Nails on heads
Tongue being bitten
Your heart feels shamed
By what mine has written
Give to me a ring on my pinky
A promise we can share
To tell me Always and forever
You will be by my side, You swear
To say each heart beat.. is a precious gift
And wherever you are..
You can feel it
Im staring blankly at the wall
to figure where i was before the fall
Days gone by and still my eyes follow
Where you plan to be tomorrow
Church bells ringing and your not smiling
Babies born I cry, you cringe
Lovers embrace, you turn your head
Pulling me closer you should be, Instead
I can appreciate this precious ache
Cause I know that I am still feeling
I can love you for many things
if only to leave my heart revealing
No lies but truth,
I give into you
The silence wakes me
Nothing I can do
'sept watch for the little things
and hope you see them too
I fell Here to hold your heart
There is nothing saying
we should be apart
I fell Here, to show you the way
To open your eyes
and give you a reason to pray
Friday morning I'll make that call
To take me back
into the arms I fall
No easy way back from where I came
But to live this angels dream
and make it through the pain
To stand before, not step aside
To pull you from the shadows
In which you reside
Im not going back
without you by my side
What will it take to make you cry
What are the fears you hold inside
Let me hold you, I am yours
Forever beside you
What will it take to make you see
Forever is where I long to be
In your days and in your nights
Through your mistakes
Through your re-writes
What can I say that will make you hear
My name whispered within your ear
The loudest thunder from the smallest tear
Stolen away, just to have you here
You have stolen my sanity
I pray for a refuge with you inside of me
My heart lay still while I'm still waiting
My mind goes running through debating
The way you keep everything in its place
The way you know that look on my face
You create an uneasiness that i can't ignore
I build a world surrounded by yours
Its never easy lying here
Its just too much to face my fear
Steal me away from the sun
be that place that I lie
Why has it come down to this
Why am I missing you in my life
Im so far down
I dont know where to begin
To pick myself up
To tell you your not allowed in
I am going to run
I am going to hide
I am going to find
what i am missing inside
So push my buttons
Make it burn
and watch me cry
till you finally learn
To find your way
through my door
Will you fall again
Like you have before?
If you are left to beg
for my love in your hand
Will you lie there thoughtless
Or make that final stand?
If you are left to wonder
The worlds of why's
Will you say "If only
I did not leave her to cry?"
Can you see your distance?
Do I expect too much?
If you never see me
Will that be enough?
The whole world watching
Through rose colored glass
Will he capture this angel
Or let her pass?
The thousands waiting
To hold your place
While one heart longs
for only your embrace
Not just with your arms
but your eyes and your being
Is my heart being deceived
By what my mind is seeing?
I have said it before
I will say it again
I can't spend forever
In this game of pretend
It doesn't matter anymore
There are no words left to say
If your thrown into the wind
Will you simply fly away?
I have not caged you
You are free to fly
You are welcome to go
If your heart does not comply
Does your heart not tremble
tonight like mine
Laying your head fast asleep
Believing everything is fine
It is not supposed to end this way
I am supposed to fight
I am supposed to stay
It is not less than what I am
I ask for you
to take my hand
To hold my heart
and give to me
a reason to live
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I can see you hated it
when i left my head hanging down
I can see there was no point
in wandering around
Its been so long now
since you have been in my dreams
When I look in from the outside,
it isnt what it seems
Too many nights spent studying you
Lost in you
Lost in time to be lost by you
complicated by you
Broken wings came through
You may have walked away
but im letting you go
I can walk now too
I thought you would like to know
I have found a way to make the good times right
I have found a way to forget you at night
Your so far away from what we were
Your so different from the way you were
I know that its safe to say, im good.... without you
I know this time, I wont even think.... about you
Your lips wont return and thats just fine
Your touch is forgotten.. and its about time
You can be out of my life..
Remove this knife
Throw it aside
My arms dont ache
My heart is mended
Isnt it about time
Your memory ended?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Thee_Goddess: yeah i had an epiphany
Thee_Goddess: about greg
jeff: oh yeah what about
Thee_Goddess: ever since the day he said i love you
Thee_Goddess: and i ran back into his arms
Thee_Goddess: it seems i have been trying to change the man i have fallen in love with
Thee_Goddess: i have been trying to get him to show love
Thee_Goddess: in bigger ways
Thee_Goddess: and there is this song
Thee_Goddess: he played for me
Thee_Goddess: called red on a rose
Thee_Goddess: where one of the lines say
Thee_Goddess: And i love you cause i know that i cant do anything wrong
Thee_Goddess: he loves that i love him for who he is
Thee_Goddess: the good and the bad
Thee_Goddess: and lately.. i have been too hard on him
jeff: well yeah that is amazing
Thee_Goddess: i fell in love with him for who he was
Thee_Goddess: not who i want him to be
jeff: that is very true
Thee_Goddess: gonna try to call and leave him a message
So i did, and im sure my messages out of no where are just well retarded.. but i did not want to let the moment of clarity pass me by.. although i am sure even though i felt it all so clear at the moment, that a 530am call will not be so clear to him lol. Oh well!
"I love you.. cause I know..
That i can't do anything wrong."
..and i do not ever want to take that reason away. Today is a new day for me. To take this life and simply make it mine. I fell in love with a man for who he is.. not who i want him to be.
That maybe it is time I stop thinking so much, and just start enjoying. Living for those little moments that I love so much.. Taking each one and cherishing it like "a child loves a penny"
He has given me the same.. through everything, he has accepted me for everything.
Helped me in ways he could.. just comforted me through times he couldnt.
He will be there when I need him, but not always just when I want him..
He loves me when I cry, loves me when I laugh..
I love laughing with him.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I took a chance and i got to feel
Your hand in mine,Your heart so real
I have to laugh every now and then
I cant just fall and let it end
I have to smile and make it through
Ill close my eyes, when im not with you
The eyes you see
You make them bright
Dont think your failing
just hold me tonight
Walking down the stairs.. I smile
Its time I get to hold you a while
Staying the night
Stealing a kiss
Letting you leave
taking everything i miss
But Ill laugh and smile
without you tonight
Cause your heart is mine
Driving home you make me laugh
Nothing to steal my time from you
Stopping to kiss me in your tracks
I capture your gaze in shades of blue
Ill write a song, Just to make this moment last
To bring down the rain and have this dance
Ill write a song to sing to you
Ill find the words to whisper in your ear
To steal another moment for you
To make the world dissappear
Ill laugh and smile
without you tonight
Cause your still mine
Everything is alright.
How can I not count the days
That I am outside of holding you.
How can I write when i am so tied up
How many times can i ask you to help me.. help you
I want to shake you and say Listen. LOVE ME
I want to push you down and kiss you all over
without you telling me to stop
I want to reach for you, because you showed up at my door unexpectedly
I want to smile at you, because you smiled at me first
I want to roll over in bed and see your eyes wide open
Just watching me.
I want you to hold your breath, when you wait for me to call you back..
Knowing you will be alright, cause you are the one thing on my mind
That you will not be left breathless for long.
I want it to rain.. and for once not be looking out the window for you..
but merely turn around and you be holding me from behind at the window.
I want a song to play, and you to pull me to my feet to dance with you.
I want to be in the other room, and have you come search for me...
I want to kiss you and stop.. and have your lips beg for more
I want you to wake up in the morning. and wake me up too!!
I want to be cooking for you and have you tell me to hurry up..
because you miss me.
I want to be driving beside you and forget to put my hand on your leg..
and have you reach over and pull my hand to you.. and smile at me.
I want to be looked at, while your talking to me..
Not just speaking outloud, hoping i hear you.
I want you to be drunk.. in our love.
I want you to call and say.. i only have a minute, but i was thinking of you.
I want to need you, and know its ok.
I want to love you with everything I am, with every ounce of my soul
that god has blessed me with.
I want to give it all to you..
I want you to feel amazing every morning you wake up.
because you are.. That is why I want to be a part of you.
I want you to say forever.
I want you to realize that the world is small.. and right there in the center of it..
is me and you.
I want you to count the days we have left to make this life right..
and know in your heart, we have gotten one thing right so far..
I want you to shut everything out, but me.
I want you to pull me to my room and shut the door.
Just for a kiss you have been missing all day.
I want You..
to Feel blessed.. in a world so lost.
I want to be that anchor you rely on
That light you search for.
That dream you hold onto
That star you search for each night,
making sure it is still shining bright.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
I have memorized each reply
I know every look in your eye
I do not have anything left to say
Neither did you as I walked away
I remember every touch i have felt
When you placed your hand
over mine on your belt
and told me no
I remember ever word you have said
when i wanted to stay
and left instead..
You let me go
Im leaving my heart wide open
But im not stepping outside anymore
Im leaving the key under the mat
If you ever stumble apon my door
I could go on about the things i will miss
but i have spent too much time
Too much time left pondering over this
I could write a thousand words in my pain
But knowing you will never see them
my heart will never be the same
Im afraid to love you anymore
Im afraid to let go
Im afraid to stay
Im afraid to be the one
that pushes YOU away
I dont know what else i can say
Your a different person day by day
Once you hold my hand and kiss it
Once you grab it and push it away
I know its not me
Ive given all i can
If only you could see
If only your heart
would finally understand
You can live without me
You have told me yourself
But is that what you say to the one you love
Who faithfully dreams of No one else
You can stand a day apart
You care not to speak
of matters in your heart
Im too tired to call out to you again
Im too lost to feel the same
Waking to feel you there but gone
Waking to find it still feels wrong
All this time spent making you smile
All these words vanishing only while
You sit thinking of everything but me
I sit dreading setting you free
You tell me you want this
or you wouldnt even say
But how can you pick and choose
when you want to make me go away?
We agree we knew we werent the same
But when you truly love someone
There is always room for change
A chance a truth to set yourself free
In loving you, in loving me
You are my greatest battle love.
Each day I lose faith in what else i can say
"Its not that hard to hold my hand"
"Is it really that nessecary?"
Does the earth not need rain to thrive?
Does a child not need a hug to feel good inside?
Does a flower not need sun to breath and flourish?
Does an infant not need food
Have you ever heard of Nourish?
Feed, provide, Nurture, Sustain..
Your touch is not different from the rain
Love is not different.. its just the same
Leave it lonely
Leave it to die
and leave my heart broken
If i am only left to cry
When will you get it
This is not just me
It is simply a feeling no longer
Growing inside of me.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
I didnt mean to cross your lines
I didnt know you were not ready this time
I didnt know id have to watch you slowly fall
I did not know you never had the chance to feel
so i dance around you
reaching for your hand to show you whats real
Giggling as you stumble
Pulling you by the hand
Your body uneasy
when i ask you to dance
cause you never thought
You'd want to take this chance
When you go about your ways
Trying to make sense of these things
I pull you close and kiss your lips
and make you forget..
I am not above falling for you
I have fallen into your eyes
I have fallen into something i cannot explain
You have stolen the power
Of my own hearts reign
No need for analyzing things we dont know
Just hold onto one another
Make it up as we go
No need for re-thinking that look in your eyes
Just let it happen the way it will
Im not leaving your side
Tomorrow is our playground
Today is our vow
Of the love we have found
Dont look back, im here now
How lucky to have found
this love growing wild
How could i resist
everytime i see that smile
Your eyes, how they glimmer
like the raindrops i admire
Your touch, a constant flame
that brings passion to my fire
Lets take a picture
Capture this kiss
Stealing your breath away
You never knew you'd feel like this
Sunday, February 04, 2007
If I dare to say goodbye tonight
would my heart still shatter
will my choice be right?
Would the patience be an angry mess?
To sit here waiting out
How could I find a way to heal?
If i am left
Loving you still?
So, I am fighting this out
Im so tired
Of going without.
Why should I stand in lonely shadows?
When there is so much light to be found
Why should I lie here in this place?
If you wont join me on the ground?
I will stay here crying, So you will never know
Understanding nothing of myself
Except I did not think this
Is the way love really goes.
You lost your pride while i was away
You layed it down to bring me back
But picked it up along the way
Come back to me the way you were
That night you thought...
"I do not want to be without her".
Bring me back That man I'd choose
That layed down his heart
With nothing left to lose.
I wonder if you even know
You're the dream i wish to stumble upon each night
I wonder why i feel
Im out of your mind when your out of my sight.
I want to wake up and see you smile
Id like to hold you still..
once in a while.
You found your heart in its breaking
The loss gone noticed
Heart left Aching
Tears held back..
You said yourself
"I think your heart was always mine".
In tears I replied
"You have had it all this time".
Redeemed to battle, devising loves light to last
I pulled our memories from their drawers
Reclaiming your passion..replacing my hearts desire
Re-writing the pages found, through these open doors
Handing me the ashes of this fire
One last fight to keep..
My hand in yours
I love you.