Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Because i need it?
No because He said to
He said.. You have emotional issues..
Then he left
I loved once
I loved with such intent that it actually hurt to love so much
at the end
I swore I stood up and picked up the pieces
I swore I was ready to love again
and I walked away from that spot..
but left something behind
Something I fear may never be a part of me again
Remember the magic of naivity
When you could almost hear santas reigndeer on christmas eve?
Remember when you stayed up so late trying to see the tooth fairy?
Remember how sure you were ther was a monster under your bed?
I lost my innocent heart
Put everything into an Idea.. closed my eyes and reached out for something that i believed so deeply existed..
All of my life
The minute he turned to me as he left.. and said.. Just remember.. I love you..
and I replied.. No Chris.. You dont.
My innocense was lost.. forever.
As much as I wanted to believe I COULd find that feeling again..
As much as I told myself... you tasted what You Can have
Will I love once again?
Will the emptiness shatter and bring back what i have lost?
I am done searching my soul
I have made peace within myself.. with God.
SO he has gifted me..
And i reach out and love as he would..
I give as he would..
Yet I hurt.. and hurt.. and hurt
Breaking those i love
Tearing them up inside
Trying to save the lost
Trying to open the eyes of the abandoned
That is why I have suffered
That is why I cannot fall
If your love is not whole in our God..
It will never feel whole inside me
That is why I cannot fall
Because he controls me
He will not let me leave my path
I am his.
There cannot be Light in the darkness.
There cannot be Love without God.
I am Light.
Are you Darkness?
Monday, November 27, 2006
Fragile.. sensitive to the world
Broken by the careless ones
So now i stand back behind the scenes..
Praying to hear it beat once again..Without me
Regretting the day I crossed this path
Motionless to its reaching out to me
Hiding from the lashings of a lover scorned
I cannot save you love
I cannot be what you are searching for
Not for You
Not for Me.
Like a winter wind passing on your warm cheek
I will live within the shadows
Hiding from what you see as life
Waiting to protect you from death
I will never falter from your need of me
But i will not stand in the way of this pain
I have taken your heart only to protect you
and left an emptiness instead
I have given you a love only to show you
and left a veil over your eyes
I have failed..
Im almost healing now.. its almost time
To take this world and make it mine
Ill be back for you.. as a friend
When you are ready to realize.. this is not the end
I promised forever.. I say what I mean
Into eternity i will carry this..
Into a fate that will go unseen
What has been Given to You
Has been Taken from me.
Please do not hate what I had to become
Do not blame what you are
I thought i could fix everything
I could not be the one
I thought i could give you your dreams
But it was not within me..
Giving in to you.. meant giving myself away
Id live for only your happiness..
But steal from me my yesterdays
Forgetting what it was i wanted
What My heart longed for
Where my soul longed to thrive
Neglecting what it is that calls to me
The touch that brings me to life
So here i am.. wishing away our pain
Letting go of the silence
It can never be the same
Conclusions are made
You have to see
I've Made the choice
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Piece by piece i discover my soul
Love by Love I put together
what was not created whole
Pushing through the embers
of hearts given and burned to ash
I search for the remnants of what was there
Building my future, with lessons of my past
I know what i am feeling
But have i become silent this time
Tired of speaking emotion
Tired of living through rhyme?
This gift is not mine
To do as i may
But to work for my god
and give it away
Every turn my life has taken
Woken from this worldly sleep
Alas my soul is Lit and waken
My lover walks away
Leaves the door open
Goodbye to a friend
I'd hate to pretend
So my heart was never truly broken
Just never really there
With every passing love
I placed within me, What i loved to share
KNowing and needing what it is i once had
to pull from the inside to make me feel
To go beyond what has been
understood as real
To lose my eyes and see the truth
That a heart cannot be shattered
if there is nothing there to lose
Born with nothing.. No heart to give
Build my Wholeness, as I live
So its never really love and loss
Behind the tears and pain
Im collecting ideas of being complete
It is simply Love and gain.
Monday, November 20, 2006
I wish i would have lost you
When i cry out at night to know you may be listening
I wish you were taken from this world
and searching the heavens for peace
Looking down on this dismal place
Looking down over me
I wish you didnt walk away
Healthy and strong
No sign of weakness aside from your love for me
You may have thought you were breaking
But you not once turned around
There.. is where the true boldness lies
That is what you have hidden inside
Pull me from the outside
Pull me from the outside
We used to laugh at the world
Pulling eachother close
Watching them pass by
Knowing if we could not fathom what we had
That it was beyond what anyone else would
we would do anything in our power we could
To stand outside
Now it is all left inside
Hidden on the inside
Save me from the outside
Save me from the outside
So here I lie.. Injuries left by you
My mind cant wander.. My heart So Gone
I no longer love you.. Because I no longer know how to
I wish you didnt make me think.. what is wrong with me
When there was really something wrong with you
I wish you didnt tell me.. You cannot handle all of this
You made me learn to love myself
To never Need anyone else
Not because that is whats in my heart
but because.. my mind has turned on
Thinking.. wondering.. Rationalizing
WHy have you cursed me with doubt
Why do i ask myself.. can i live without
My soul has abandoned me..
It wanted so much more
Willing to risk everything
To have you walk through that door
Now the words.. they scare me
Now the touch.. I fear to remember
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to hide
Id rather be sitting above you.. crying at your grave
Then looking back at you.. walking away
There is too much left to bury
So I cannot lay your soul to sleep
I cannot speak your name
I have died and nothing left to keep
My heart will never love the same
Broken on the inside
Nothing inside me left to hide...
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Fingers crossed.. eyes open wide
Walking waiting living dying
Seeing your shadow
Run into hiding
Just cant stop my eyes from crying
Nothing dies that knows not living
Nothing takes that has not given
No one wakes before they sleep
No one gives away what they cannot keep
Pictures hanging on the wall of my heart
Cherishing a love that seems so far
Waiting living Dying Walking
I see the words.. when no ones talking
Somewhere isnt where we want to go
Something isnt what we want to know
Sometimes we cant give our all
Sometimes its too damn hard to fall
Songs are playing in the depth of my soul
I can hear yours. can you hear mine too
Living Dying Walking Waiting
I see your mind crashing.. Contemplating
Tomorrow should not be what we know
Yesterday should not be where we wish to go
Today is time to Live and Exist
Today you need to take hold of this
Words are whispering through my mind
This is what i long for but it is not time
Dying Walking Waiting Living
I have nothing left that i have not been Giving
Could this be it, the way things will be?
Have I something left inside which only you can see?
This Life has given us such limited time
Walking waiting living and dying
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I am destined to cry
This is my fate
Where is the love
I pull up my gloves
My eyeliner withstands my tears
without a smudge
My hair is so black
What do you think of that?
Over my eye
So you cant see me cry
No one loves me
Im pretending to shy
this is what i must be
Its not gay to kiss a guy
Take my picture
Hold on let me look sad
Ill look up from down here
I have to comply to this fad
Hold the camera high
I look like im about to cry
Goodbye Im sorry
I made your life so bad
When im gone will you think about
all the lonely times you had?
No one wants to be my friend
They called me an Emo
and stole my new pen
Life isnt fair
Does Anybody Care
I dont understand
I have such cool hair
Im going to end it all
They didnt invite me to the mall
Blood on my wall
Im going to do it this time
Im so alone this world is so cold
Im trying pathetically to rhyme
Im too pretty to die old!
Relentless to Linger
Release to be found
Resenting the past
When no one's around
I feel fire
Our souls intertwine
You lift me high
upon your shoulder
As you bow
To glorify your love
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch.. what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
I am breaking free from the silence once again
Push you down and run for cover
Your life is Under siege
All your fires are blazing to Destroy me
Im not lingering in this place
There is so much more
left to erase
I gain no control in falling from your grace
But im content to release what I can't replace
I cannot fight this battle from the floor
Your mind cant make up..
who you are anymore
Like a magnet you attract your opposite
Trying to steal what it is You cannot possess
You tear them apart at will
I am so fucking sick of this
I wont be your reason to regret
There is so much left I need to forget
I have stolen a higher place
Fought my way to get away from you
From here I no longer see your face
From here I can ignore.. what I cannot undo
Dont allow me to become what you hate
Do not let me get in the way of your fate
So you do not believe in destiny
I forbid you to dream of holding onto me
You can no longer live here in my mind
Your days are spent
You are out of time
Travel on from my memory
Unspeak the words that have been unkind to me
Take your ticket and walk away
Before I leave you with all hells ransom left to pay
Call me? Ok?
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Erasure is mine.. I love to pretend
To laugh in your face.. to smile in the end
I turn and walk away quick to wipe my eyes
My hair pulled down around my face
This is where the sadness hides
Never to cut a lock again
The promise to him was released
Leaving a blade to my skin
Secrets have become my only truth
My past an annoyance to your thoughts
You try to forgive me for sins i have never commited against you
You try so hard to close your eyes and just Feel
Driving a hate for where I have been
Have you forgotten what you can never know?
Who I bled for..
Who I screamed out for to shatter the silence
Have you created a comfort through disbelief
Why is it so hard to see I walk alone
How can you not see no one has chased me into your arms
That I am not bound by what was
That I am not held by a chance
What was so beautiful to you before
Has become unkindly at second glance
You pressed against my lips
Hoping to steal away my life
The place i hid before i came across your sight
The fury inside you
Careful to disguise your own faults
While i stand here open to your desires
Open to all around and you still fight
You chase me through the essence
Embers cast upon your soul
Shadows created with each passing candlelight
Whispering voices silenced by my presence
"What will she do this time?"
The Gaurdians of my fate.. watching with such intent
Watching me spin around you
Watching.. as I make you fall
Oh such beauty.. making you feel
I laugh as you lie there
Unsure of what i have become
I watch as you look up to me
Refusing to allow you to capture my gaze
You are not able to stand..
Your body has become weak
You pray that god is here with you
Somewhere in the shadows
Watching over you
Unsure of what you have fallen into
I kneel beside you
I'll set this glow of light at your side
Bend to whisper into you...
"What are you afraid of?"
"Dare you not speak.. if it not be truth"
You gasp for your voice.. encased in my spell
Forced to search within yourself for a part of what you hide
"Im waiting love..."
I watch you with intent.. for I know what it is you wish to say
I stand and walk around you.. tracing my fingers along the walls
Watching your eyes follow me..
Your lips quiver..
Your anger at me.. that i have brought you to this prison
But know you not.. you have brought me here to you.
This is Your place of refuge
I am here to free you from it all
You called for me.. prayed god be with you
Suddenly you find.. this is your world.. not mine
"If words be yours.. let them make sound"
I watch you cry at the reality you have found
Fighting inside myself to not run to your side
Keeping the distance to make you reach out
"If you ever be in need, I promised i would come"
This time you needn't know you did not have to ask
To be SENT the Fallen One
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Dont pretend to miss me
and I will try not to falter back into your arms
Those days are gone
For the reach of a hand
The welcoming of a kiss..
The linger of a glance
So throw this into the wind
Let us act like it was Nothing
Sitting across from you..
like a ghost to your mind
A tear falls from my eye
you dare not notice
For what would become of you if you walked down from your ivory fortress?
If you were vulnerable to my needs
Im no longer there.. feel free to roam
Im no longer waging wars against your kindom you have so cleverly contained
Freedom is yours
I should not sleep alone
I should not cry when your in the next room
I should not wonder If.. you will ever look for me
I knew the moment i walked away
I would be walking alone
I will imagine I will be ok
I will not go on loving you
I will not look back and cry
I watched what was.. fall apart
I never watched something so long
I never waited for such changes
I never took so much of the Little
Imagining they were something to hold onto
I could not help but believe there was a someday
I could not help but dream you would find what it was you searched for.. In me
Im awake now
No longer dreaming
Logging this sleep into my journal and searching again in the wakened form
You should not long more for sleep than you do to waken and Love
I have no evidence to hold you to
You left a clean trail in my heart
Clever to not say you loved me
Too strong to ever show you cared
So i take out my words
Lay them down
Weighing on my mind.. what have i known?
When we ask ourselves in the end
What could i have done
It does not matter this time
I know i have made the sketch
Scribbling it out in black and white
Only waiting for you to grab a brush and paint one tiny piece
But you look at it and say
It looks good this way
Its not enough my love
Its not what it is supposed to become
There is so much more you do not wish to see
You are content with simplicity
Where I see a hand held as Love
You see an effort not worth making
Where i see a body to pull in warmth
You see an invasion
No more battles love.. No more
Thank you for your time.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
A moment to think
An hour to laugh
One last time
Take me by the hand
A distance to reach
A mile to think
Im listening for your answer
Watching for you to turn on the light
A handful of hopes
A pocket full of holes
Can you remember to not let go
To never set this down
The stars are hanging low
Lower than before
They are shining in your eyes
My soul reaches out to wish upon them
A lifetime to wait..
Its really not that long
Can you see the end from here?
Can your faith prevail?
One Chance.. You knew would come
One Love.. You'd hoped exist
One Breath.. Could it be your last?
One true Question.. What now?
Your whisper sent so far
Captured in the WInd
Lies now in my heart
"Excuse me does this belong to you?"
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Thee_Goddess: hello matthew
matthew mark: hello Katie
Thee_Goddess: with the infamous opening "."
matthew mark: you like that ?
Thee_Goddess: it is definately unique
Thee_Goddess: as opposed to the usual ...
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: Jesus is also unique
matthew mark: he comes to us in a whisper
matthew mark: His love takes us by surprise
matthew mark: He is never loud an obnoxious
matthew mark: how is your lifes journey going ?
Thee_Goddess: i am not sure.. the past few days i have felt emptiness
matthew mark: may I ask why ?
Thee_Goddess: not happy not sad.. just empty
Thee_Goddess: i do not know why
matthew mark: have you searched within to find the answer ?
Thee_Goddess: i dont think i want to know what i would find
Thee_Goddess: so.. no
Thee_Goddess: i havent
matthew mark: oh but God does not want us to feel empty
matthew mark: He wants our cup to always be full
Thee_Goddess: i know what he wants and i know how i feel
Thee_Goddess: im ashamed because i cannot control it
matthew mark: dont be ashamed
Thee_Goddess: i feel like pushing the world away and hiding
matthew mark: I understand what you are saying
matthew mark: and so does the Lord
matthew mark: being human is dealing with alot of emotions
Thee_Goddess: yes, that is very true
matthew mark: I am not here but for a moment
Thee_Goddess: sometimes it feels like i am on a treadmill running and getting nowhere
matthew mark: to reach out to you
matthew mark: let me ask you a question
matthew mark: when you feel this way, do you reach out for help or try to take it on by yourself ?
Thee_Goddess: well.. 99% of the time i have taken it on alone.. Only Once did i reach out for help.. when my ex fiance abandoned me. he killed me inside.. I knew if i didnt reach out.. i may lead myself to death
matthew mark: let me share something with you
matthew mark: when Jesus died on the cross, did you know that his suffering was more than any man ever could bare ?
matthew mark: He was all alone
matthew mark: not a soul did care for Him
matthew mark: but
Thee_Goddess: i dont believe no one cared forhim
Thee_Goddess: his folowers.. his mother
Thee_Goddess: they were pained
matthew mark: they all forsake Him
matthew mark: thats not saying they didnt love Him
matthew mark: but they forsake Him
matthew mark: He was all alone that day
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: Your name was mentioned
matthew mark: He did it all because He had you on his mind
matthew mark: not just all the world but YOU
matthew mark: His suffering was because of His great love
matthew mark: whats your purpose Katie?
matthew mark: to suffer ?
matthew mark: no
Thee_Goddess: to spread love
Thee_Goddess: his love
matthew mark: OH, I love you so
matthew mark: you bring tears to my eyes
Thee_Goddess: and you to mine
matthew mark: you have a gift
matthew mark: your gift is your love
Thee_Goddess: ..it is.
matthew mark: handed to you by Jesus
matthew mark: take good care of it
Thee_Goddess: of course i will.. i do not want it taken away
matthew mark: for without your spreading your love this world would be so empty
Thee_Goddess: you think so?
matthew mark: I am indeed so impressed by your words
Thee_Goddess: i can only touch so many
matthew mark: but thats the key
matthew mark: you can only touch so many
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: it spreads
matthew mark: like wildfire
Thee_Goddess: like a ripple in the water
matthew mark: OH katie
Thee_Goddess: me being the drop
matthew mark: you say it with such feeling
matthew mark: My heart is so overjoyed with your presence
Thee_Goddess: i am glad someone enjoys me in my times ofhiding
Thee_Goddess: but i could not hide from you
matthew mark: dont hide
matthew mark: let your light so shine
matthew mark: I wish all that I talked to would knew this love that you have
matthew mark: its amazing
Thee_Goddess: they only need to open their hearts messenger because i would freely share it
matthew mark: people have hard hearts
matthew mark: they want many things
Thee_Goddess: true.. i have met many.. but have softened it through time
matthew mark: thats what its all about
matthew mark: softening hearts
Thee_Goddess: they see me as real.. then when they get to know me .. they see the unreal and begin to believe.. there Is more
Thee_Goddess: i am so thankful for each person i have touched
matthew mark: when Jesus died for you and you received Him, was your heart softened ?
Thee_Goddess: i cried in the presence of many and they cried with me
matthew mark: HIs love was like a warm blanket on a fridget night
matthew mark: yes, Jesus brings us to tears for His love is like no others
Thee_Goddess: it took away all my doubts
Thee_Goddess: all my failure
Thee_Goddess: became just part of my path
Thee_Goddess: the weakening and strengthening of my soul
Thee_Goddess: pain.. to know life
matthew mark: please
matthew mark: dont feel emty
matthew mark: stay the course
matthew mark: keep the faith
matthew mark: call out to Him
Thee_Goddess: it hurts
matthew mark: He does not want you to feel this emptiness
Thee_Goddess: i know what he wants
matthew mark: always reach to Him
Thee_Goddess: how can i question that
Thee_Goddess: how cn i feel proud of this feeling
matthew mark: you know
matthew mark: the answers are within
matthew mark: I must leave you for now
Thee_Goddess: =matthew mark: but I am so glad you shared yourself with me today
matthew mark: its always a pleasure when the Lord sends me your way
matthew mark: dont let your eartly emotions destroy your heavenly heart
Thee_Goddess: i will get through
matthew mark: I know
matthew mark: God bless you Katie, you are an inspiration
Thee_Goddess: Thank you Matthew
Thee_Goddess: you should listen to rescue by Desperation Band
Thee_Goddess: It just came to me
Thee_Goddess: I have to listen to it now
Thee_Goddess: it helps heal my soul
Thee_Goddess: do you have it messenger?>
Thee_Goddess: I will share it
Thee_Goddess: I need to share it
matthew mark: we all need things that help us thru
matthew mark: yes, please share it
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: I must leave for now, I hope your glass fills to the rim so there is no room for emptiness
You have sent 1 file to matthew mark.
Desperation Band - Rescue.mp3
matthew mark: THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING WITH ME
Thee_Goddess: My pleasure.. i hope you find what i found inside listening
Thee_Goddess: Take Care
matthew mark: You also take care
matthew mark: I LOVE YOU KATIE