Sunday, June 12, 2005

"The air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy. The merest whisper of your name awakes in me a shuddering sixth sense. I am longing for a kiss that makes time stand still. "

I didn't get to go to church today... life seems to have gotten in the way and I will just leave it at that. I need some serenity and I just don't know where to find it anymore.

I thought to myself today, how only I know what I am doing in my life...Only I, can rationally explain to myself why I do what I do, and Why I feel the way I feel.
Only I know the Truth.

The Truth.


Tell me, why does it hurt so much when you speak the truth and no one hears you?
Why does it even matter to waste your breath to try and make clear to those who do not want to know the truth....they only want to know what makes them feel good?

People come to me when they want the truth..

I give them what they seek, no matter how hard it hits them.

They know that even if they stretch the truth a bit... I hear what they are really asking, I know what they want me to tell them, and it is hard... They know the truth... and yet they want that one true person out there to say it... Someone that does not exist inside their mind.. Someone real to say what it is they already know.


How many times must i crucify myself before i am free to breathe...
free to exist.. exist in ways I can only dream of, in ways that are so oblivious
i have not the intensity to imagine.

I have been called a free spirit over and over on my journey...
but what is it that makes me so free?
What is it about me that allows me to make decisions of free will making many paths i had to burn through with nights of tears and fear?
What do i possess that I have yet to find in another human being...
what are these thoughts, these ideas, these philosophies embedded in my soul?


Sunday, June 05, 2005


(Derived from my written entry today)

I opened this book and the glare from the sunlight reflecting off of it blinded me for a moment and I smiled. Rarely have I been so accepting to the light, the heat, the warmth on my skin...
Perhaps if i must live without his that i think about it...
The sun and breeze have been touching me in many ways just like him.
Many people said they seen it long before I myself realized....when all i could see was fun and best friend...Christopher!

The birds are singing so loud right now, reminds me of the sounds he always hears when we talk....that I have blocked out until recent days.

Today at church the pastor spoke of the wind...after I wrote this.
How you can See its effects, you can feel can touch you... but you do not know where it came from, or where it is going.
He compares gods work to the wind.
I find it strange how many similarities I find in a good christian...the love of my life
how he makes me feel alive, feel hope, feel comfort from miles apon miles away...
and how the lord makes me feel the same way.

It is so beautiful.

Of course there are anxieties...but I am following the path all the way this time.
I have my eyes set forward, and despite the hardships I will have to endure...
I am not going into them Blindly.
I will overcome.
I will succeed.