Thursday, October 13, 2005

First Love?

August 12th 2005

“What it takes” Can you believe I used to listen to this song every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed thinking about Ryan Shinkle…hehe!
I thought I was so in love with that boy. Don’t get me wrong, I ended up deeply caring for him as a good friend, like a brother actually. I miss him so much, but I know he is out there now living his life in the Army over seas. He is probably enjoying his life so much more than if he were to stay here with me. Well I can at least hope I am right. Chris tells me, he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to be with me.
     What is a first love? There are so many degrees of love that I only know the things that I have loved the most. As your first love, does it have to be requited? Did that person have to love you too in order for your feelings to have been valid? Do you Always love your first love? Is that Allowed? It seems every time I changed or grew, I loved someone different for different reasons. If you no longer love them, does that little boy I thought I loved as a young child still count as my first love? What are the Qualifications? I wonder if I was ever some ones first love. YES! I am! I am Christopher’s first love.  (
I always see these shows where people are reunited with their first loves after years and years and they still have these feelings for this person even after a failed marriage. Is harboring such feelings for another right? Or did the feelings disappear for the time of the marriage? Does anyone ever truly know what love is? Isn’t or Shouldn’t love be permanent? Forever? If it doesn’t last forever, was it even love at all? I believe I love Christy More than I have ever loved anyone. I believe I love him more than I ever even knew I could love. Loving him has made me feel so alive.  Even in my darkest hour, his love for me gives me light… A light that I never want to go away. For the first time, someone has been able to pull me out of any negative moods I have tangled myself into.
     “Everything I do, I do it for you” Up until recent months I thought this was the cheesiest song ever. I no longer believed that Any human being on this earth aside from myself could ever feel this way about another. “I would give it all. I would Sacrifice.” Is this not what Chris and I have done for each other? More so on his part I believe. Leaving his family, friends, his whole life…just to be with me. Leaving everything he has ever known because I could not meet him in the middle. I listen to this song and I honestly know he would do any and all of these things for our love, and I love him so deeply because of this. He is “the one” I have always wanted. He has told me many times to please don’t question his love for me. He takes everything I say so seriously. He takes my words to heart, and I love that because it means not only is he listening, but also that he cares.

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