Thursday, August 30, 2012

I want to heal..

"You know there is a part of me that will always know the truth.. A part that will never take a street light going out as I pass under it for granted.. A part that will never forget dancing in the rain.. A part that will always know that I am the center of my universe and you are revolving my destiny.. However long you were here, whenever you go.. You will never forget.. That part of me."

This thought crossed my mind as I was out for my walk tonight.. stopping occassionally to take in the moon.. Almost full but still so beautiful.. and I wondered for a moment How long it had been since I stared at it the way I did tonight... and like a flash back the very first time I daydreamed while staring at the moon came back to me, and every other time after that was significant in my life.. I will never forget those nights or the emotion and feeling tied to them... but the truth is, although I will never forget those moments, and never forget those emotions, I despise that I do not get to feel them all of the time.. That they get buried and set aside for mundane day to day life activities. Tucked away, it feels like I have forgotten.. and  I feel guilty when I find it again!

I love losing myself in the magical memories of my past. I love to forget the shadows that are hanging over my head right now. I Love to remember the power I once dwelled in and how euphoric the love I once held was.. I love to taste the fear of the unknown again, before I knew what it was.. or before I never saw what it was again to ever find out..

Tonight, I am just that lost little girl on the beginning of her path to healing this "Unknown" in her life. I want to get rid of all these negative feelings inside me, all of the shame and guilt and pain, I want to heal so I can stop hating everything around me... But WHAT IS KIlling me???? How can I heal from a secret? How can I cope with a Surprise Emotion that falls in my lap and says deal with me? Has the pile become so huge that I cannot pinpoint one moment or occassion or failure or loss or rejection that I am completely LOST as to where to start? Where do I start? Should I write myself a list?
 I think I am afraid of the Truth.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Pretend and Seek

There is an ache I lie awake with.. An absence of mind and soul.. Waiting for a new day to begin..
Praying to leave behind what eats at me..
There are many eyes that seek me.. And yet there is that one soul whose eyes have never fell into mine..
And I take him with me into my dream..
I believe he exists, because I have spent my whole life believing in him.. But I have not spent my whole life waiting..
I have existed and made life what I thought it should be
I have taken little comfort in pretending to be complete.. And at times, I thought maybe I truly was.
But the emptiness has told me otherwise..because it is still there to speak at all
Now there are many challenges.. A fortress built around me
And I have become my own demise..

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

August Update

My God I think about this place all the time and how alive I feel when I am able to delve into this part of me and experience the emotional and deepened side of my soul. I regret that I cannot be here everyday analyzing my inner self, my past, my future, my thoughts and words have been imprisoned from being so busy in life but I think sometimes I also run from myself and fear my own thoughts. I know the more I hide the less I feel. I DO want to feel, no matter how raw it may be at times, but I am so damn afraid of everything that comes with it. I can only hope each day that each step I am taking is bringing me closer to an ending in my life that leaves me with a smile!