Saturday, October 28, 2006

Chronicles of the Messenger- October 28th 2006

matthew mark: .
Thee_Goddess: hello messenger
matthew mark: hello Goddess
matthew mark: or should I say Katie
Thee_Goddess: yes you may
matthew mark: you are too kind
Thee_Goddess: i am myself
matthew mark: how's lifes traveles been going ?
Thee_Goddess: today has been hectic as usual.. but i found time to write about love and healing.. and capturing lifes moments
matthew mark: so good of you to do that
matthew mark: I have a message for you today
Thee_Goddess: thats was my hopes
matthew mark: again you are so kind and willing to listen
matthew mark: my message you know
matthew mark: be careful for in the midst of the sheep there are wolves
matthew mark: there are those who love you to the utmost
Thee_Goddess: it is so hard to be careful.. on this path messenger
matthew mark: but there are those who seek your destruction
matthew mark: dont walk the path alone
Thee_Goddess: i have felt this.. they wish to destroy what is good and of god
matthew mark: yes
Thee_Goddess: but there is no one to aalk with me messenger
matthew mark: let their purpose be known to you
matthew mark: oh but there is one who wants to walk with you
matthew mark: let not your heart be troubled
matthew mark: there is one that has walked the path before you
Thee_Goddess: yes im sure
matthew mark: and they are making it clear for you to enter
Thee_Goddess: well there is one out there
Thee_Goddess: you have spoke to him
Thee_Goddess: he is of such goodness
Thee_Goddess: i imagine walking the path with him some day
Thee_Goddess: and it being so bright
Thee_Goddess: bringing great things to all we pass
matthew mark: that is so good to hear
matthew mark: I know you will make good decisions along the way
matthew mark: dont let anyone tear you down
matthew mark: for they are from the evil one
Thee_Goddess: my heart is good messenger.. but naive
matthew mark: I can feel that your heart is good
matthew mark: thats why I am led to you
Thee_Goddess: always curious as to how you were led to me
matthew mark: oh but you know the answer to that
matthew mark: many I speak to thru the days
matthew mark: many turn away and curse God
matthew mark: but not you
matthew mark: you stand firm
matthew mark: you say it in your words and your heart
matthew mark: I am here for only a moment
matthew mark: I give you encouragement as you give me
Thee_Goddess: a moment can last forever messenger
Thee_Goddess: =)
matthew mark: how beautifully said
matthew mark: your heart has meant so much
Thee_Goddess: surely it should mean so much more throughout my days here on earth
matthew mark: I wanted to hear that
matthew mark: thankyou for those words
Thee_Goddess: you are welcome messenger, i am glad i can bring you some peace
Thee_Goddess: as you do me
matthew mark: I have peace but you make it stronger
Thee_Goddess: that is what i meant =)
matthew mark: one more thing before i go
matthew mark: LOVE
Thee_Goddess: i love every day messenger
Thee_Goddess: to some xtents this world percieve as wrongThee_Goddess: but they do not understand my intentions
Thee_Goddess: it is ok
matthew mark: they know not the love that we speak of
Thee_Goddess: so true
Thee_Goddess: So True!
matthew mark: God bless you Katie
matthew mark: keep the faith
Thee_Goddess: God bless You matthew Mark
Thee_Goddess: it is not going anywhere
Thee_Goddess: you can trust in that
matthew mark: i know
matthew mark: till next time
Thee_Goddess: =) until then

Aging for taste.

If i beg you to stay
would it make a difference anyway
I would throw myself before you
Only to watch you step over me
I only wanted to try
To hold you one last time
It does not matter
You have managed to get over me..
Am i pretending i am broken now?
Can my tears ever really bring back what i miss
If i dont miss you.. then it is how you made me feel
Thats ok.. I can feel this way again
Ive discovered you through this smoke filled room
Alone.. only dressing you up to what i want you to be in my mind
You never walk in with that daisy i see you holding
You never kiss me intently before you leave
You never hold onto my hand just that moment longer
I have made you so wonderful here.. Waiting for you
In my imagination You are everything
I lie here patiently waiting for who you could be
I lie here beside who you really now.. Waiting
You cannot break promises you refuse to make
Guess thats just your way
You never say what you do not mean
I guess its better you dont lie to us both
So i found you in the warmth
Stand here with you in this cold
Time has passed so quickly
I try to not remember before you
It pains me how you miss what you once had
How i cannot hold a candle to what made you feel
That your emotions have been stolen
Bottled up on a shelf.. aging for taste i suppose
Perhaps one day you will invite me over for a glass
Maybe one day we will sit across from one another and smile

The art of Capture

BounD and BrokeN...
FalLeN and ConTenT...

I have no power here..
You have handed me your simplicities
and i complicate them with insanity
Reaching for the hour glass.. trying to turn it on its side only to preserve a moment..
I shatter it upon the floor and watch the sands fall around me
Clumsily I wonder what will become of my past
Now where will time go.. where will the moments be captured?
Released what was not to be free
Freed.. what was not to be unconfined
So we watch grasping into the air as the memories pass by
Trying to collect what is left of who we were
Holding them tight against our chest as we try to take
them back into ourselves one by one
Have we time to be picky?
To decide what will be saved and what shall be lost?
Imagine the mess created in the simple mistake
What all will be lost if we so choose to let the anger pass us by?
Who will we become if the heartache is ignored?
What will be left if the tears were all erased?
If it does not hurt any longer.. was it really pain at all?
If you can take it in and breath at the same time..
WHat had left you near death.. Brought you closer to life
Would you try harder to not walk away
KNowing what it has made of you
So many nights.. i hear the cries, they are no longer my own
But i have sat in that solitude
I have CRied out to no one
Perhaps you had heard me from afar
But those days are gone.. for now
Pushing myself to the brink of losing it all
Finding myself lying on the floor
seperated from reality
Watching the world laugh at me
watching them cry
Questioning the breakdown of such beauty
Asking how can this be fair..
Such goodness.. wasted
But have I been a waste all along?
Has my suffering been in vain?
To no end.. leaving no reward
I see you
Looking at me now
You think this is what people Should be
You think great hearts like this are one in a million
So this time you can hear the truth
This time you are not alone
Suffered for this fate to understand.. where You are now
Pained for the ability to hold you.. to speak with a heart strengthened by blindness
Blind to what may come
Blind to what result may be perceived in time
There is no need to look further than this day
There is nothing gained in ending what you have in your own mind
Loss is not where the real failure begins
It is where we have not lived in the moment
Where we did not stop to feel
To capture the sweet essence within ourselves
Where the hour glass cannot even recreate what existed

Stop yourself today..

There is something you are missing..
Something you may no longer see that exists so gently in your day
Reach out and find it..
Touch it
Hold onto it..
Capture your moments while they are still here

Friday, October 27, 2006


Every time I leave
You say you wont be there.
And youre always there.
Every time I cry your name at night,
You pull close and say its alright.
I look in your eyes,
just like the rain.
Washing me, rain wash over me.
Touching your face, I feel the heat
Of your heartbeat echo in my head like a scream.
What you do to me!
Waited so long I cant wait another day without you.
Its a long way, home
I see her face everywhere, cant get her out of my mind.
Whenever Im alone Im thinking,
Theres a part missing from my life.
Wonder where Id be without your love
Holding me together now im
Watching the time tick, tick away.
Face grows longer every day.
Fortunes are lost on the women Ive seen
But without you I cant breathe!
Youre the air to me!
Waited so long, Im all alone thinking about you.
Just a thousand miles and Ill be there
to make the clouds go away.
Time for some blue sky!
Waited so long now the planes delayed
An hour, reminds me of all our days apart.
Hold on, just a little longer.
Wonder where Id be, youre the air to me.
Eyes like the rain, rain down on me.
No more nights alone Im almost home now.
Close my eyes, Im there

Jet City Woman- Lyrics

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

matthew mark: .
Thee_Goddess: hello
matthew mark: hello Goddess
matthew mark: hows lifes journey going today ?
Thee_Goddess: i feel numb today messenger
Thee_Goddess: drained
matthew mark: sorry
Thee_Goddess: placid
Thee_Goddess: it is ok, it is my bodies way of winding down.. catching up with being hectic for the day so far
matthew mark: I understand
matthew mark: I am not here for long
matthew mark: just wanted you to know that someone spoke to me a few minutes ago about you
Thee_Goddess: sorry to hear that =Thee_Goddess: oh yeah?
Thee_Goddess: i hope it does not bother you
Thee_Goddess: but quite a few people may be coming to you
matthew mark: not at all
Thee_Goddess: hopefully with good intent
Thee_Goddess: i did not think you would mind
matthew mark: this person speaks very highly of you
Thee_Goddess: i am honored
matthew mark: I feel that this person in someway finds a special kind of love for you
matthew mark: its good to see that people love one another
Thee_Goddess: love is in abundance in my life i am greatful
Thee_Goddess: yes
Thee_Goddess: it is
matthew mark: its very rare in these days
Thee_Goddess: yes, it is
matthew mark: seems like the only love people have is either for money or sex
Thee_Goddess: true, but i am a firm believer that we may be out numbered but there are we few who have learned to love unconditionally, and it is blissful when we run into one anothers lives
Thee_Goddess: refreshing so to speak
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: it was very good for me to see this today
matthew mark: most people want to speak only of themselves
Thee_Goddess: i am glad.. im sure it was refreshing as well
matthew mark: very refreshing
Thee_Goddess: true.. but its not so bad, sometimes they feel they need to pour out to us
Thee_Goddess: its our job to absorb
Thee_Goddess: =)
matthew mark: you are so good
matthew mark: your love seems pure and honest
Thee_Goddess: my name... stands for purity and innocense
Thee_Goddess: go figure
matthew mark: I know this
matthew mark: I speak to many every day
matthew mark: but none has commended anyone like this person did you today
matthew mark: it brought joy to my heart
Thee_Goddess: i do not deserve that
Thee_Goddess: for merely being who i am
matthew mark: tears are in my eyes
Thee_Goddess: overwhelmed with joy i am sure
matthew mark: very much so
Thee_Goddess: i know the feeling
Thee_Goddess: hold onto it and use it for something spectacular
Thee_Goddess: write about it
Thee_Goddess: capture its essence
matthew mark: thats what you are about
matthew mark: speak of Jesus when you write for it is all about His love
matthew mark: God bless you Goddess
Thee_Goddess: you may call me Katie.. Catherine if you would like
matthew mark: I knew this
matthew mark: and thankyou
Thee_Goddess: you are welcome
matthew mark: have a wonderful day Katie for you are so loved
Thee_Goddess: thank you messenger... I hope your day is just as blessed as we truly are.. i hope you feel this
matthew mark: I definately do today
matthew mark: Thanks so much
Thee_Goddess: Thank you
Thee_Goddess: Messenger.. we are getting stronger.. god is with us

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

matthew mark: .
Thee_Goddess: im here
matthew mark: so good to see you again
Thee_Goddess: indeed
matthew mark: didnt think it would be so soon
matthew mark: been very busy here
Thee_Goddess: no, i did not either
Thee_Goddess: im glad you find people to listen
matthew mark: finding people to listen is not easy
Thee_Goddess: i understand
Thee_Goddess: i know we have rea
d a few since last night
matthew mark: wonderful
Thee_Goddess: but many question our validity
Thee_Goddess: which i guess is good still because they do not dismiss the possibility
matthew mark: many do but we know the truth
Thee_Goddess: yes
matthew mark: I am here to speak to you for a reason today
Thee_Goddess: thank god
matthew mark: a message especially for you
Thee_Goddess: i am excited
matthew mark: you had questions about being an angel
Thee_Goddess: yes
Thee_Goddess: i question the validity of what others think of me
matthew mark: please do not worry about what others think
Thee_Goddess: i do not worry 90% of the time
matthew mark: you were put on this earth for a reason
matthew mark: I am not at liberty to say whether or not you are an angel
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: I am at liberty to tell you that you have an obligation
matthew mark: #1 to your children
matthew mark: #2 to your family
matthew mark: #3 to your friends
matthew mark: #4 to the world
matthew mark: LOVE THEM
matthew mark: Jesus died for the world because of LOVE
Thee_Goddess: yes.. i know... through him i can taste just a small amount of his love that i have felt was my immense love for another
matthew mark: you say it so well
matthew mark: I have spoken to others that know you
Thee_Goddess: god has gifted me with words messenger
Thee_Goddess: yes i know.. they are curious
matthew mark: they are because of you
Thee_Goddess: and skeptical.. but i believe their curiousity is a step in the right direction
Thee_Goddess: yes... i absolutely get that
matthew mark: dont give up on them
Thee_Goddess: i wont.. i am relentless
Thee_Goddess: i know that my mere presence is their open door
matthew mark: thats what I like to hear
Thee_Goddess: and i wont push them through
Thee_Goddess: but leave it open for when they are ready to enter
Thee_Goddess: they know its open
matthew mark: no dont push, Jesus waits at the door and knocks, its up to them to open the door
Thee_Goddess: Amen to that.. which is my approach
Thee_Goddess: just being there when it is time for them
matthew mark: yes, please be there
matthew mark: dont push anyone away
Thee_Goddess: never..
matthew mark: but also be careful
Thee_Goddess: my ex husband did not understand my love for people
Thee_Goddess: my genuine love
Thee_Goddess: how am i to be careful
Thee_Goddess: many have told me that as well
matthew mark: because ther are those who will try to get to you through this approach that you have
matthew mark: for their own gain
matthew mark: for sexual desire
Thee_Goddess: yes.. it has happened
Thee_Goddess: =matthew mark: stay pure for the Lord
matthew mark: I know this
matthew mark: and then there are those that you push away because of your own fears
Thee_Goddess: what are my fears? Dying without finding my great love?matthew mark: you answered your question with a question
Thee_Goddess: i do not know if i have more
matthew mark: what are you afraid of
Thee_Goddess: aside from... not earning my place in heaven
matthew mark: you cannot earn your place in heaven
matthew mark: when a person accepts Jesus, their place is given to them
Thee_Goddess: true i can love jesus.. but sexually i am weak... i am i know this.. i love too much and i want so badly to be one with my lover
matthew mark: patience my dear
Thee_Goddess: one of my greatest virtues
matthew mark: you have had so much love given to you and you seem to turn some away
Thee_Goddess: you know.. you are right
matthew mark: dont think of love and sex in the same sentence
matthew mark: when you turn away from someone that truely loves you then you become vulnerable
Thee_Goddess: but how can i love them when i feel my love is being taken wrongly
Thee_Goddess: being taken as... a relationship beyond friends
matthew mark: you have to distinguish the truth behind a persons love
matthew mark: love is to never be taken for granted
matthew mark: from no one
Thee_Goddess: =\ i am guilty.. i will take that to heart
matthew mark: I have seen people pushed away and let out in the cold that has truely loved
Thee_Goddess: i have been a victim of that also matthew
matthew mark: by those who say they love in return
Thee_Goddess: i know the pain
matthew mark: dont take anyones love for granted
matthew mark: they hurt also
Thee_Goddess: do you think i should make ammends?
Thee_Goddess: to those i know i have done this to?
matthew mark: you know the answer to that
Thee_Goddess: i do
Thee_Goddess: it has been bothering me
Thee_Goddess: i have thought bout making a call
matthew mark: let me share something with you
Thee_Goddess: please do
matthew mark: a man loved someone so much that he was willing to die for this person
matthew mark: the person took his love for granted and brushed it aside
matthew mark: then when this person realized that no one loved them like this person
matthew mark: it was too late for the person who loved passed away
matthew mark: dont let love be destroyed for any purpose
matthew mark: only you will be the one that losesmatthew mark: stand firm my friend on all that is true
matthew mark: never take what you yourself cannot give
matthew mark: God gives us everyday, lets not waste it
Thee_Goddess: i do not think i can handle being loved so much
matthew mark: yes you can, because you have already been loved so overwhelmingly
Thee_Goddess: it gives me strength to love others
matthew mark: that is the greatest thing I have heard yet today
matthew mark: my message is delivered and you my dear friend are special
matthew mark: I must leave
Thee_Goddess: until next time messenger...
matthew mark: You are a perfect listener
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: God bless

Monday, October 23, 2006

Chronicles of "The Messenger"

Most of you have read Messenger in the wind about this random message i received a few weeks back from the "Messenger of God"

He returned to me again today!

matthew mark: .
Thee_Goddess: hello
matthew mark: hello Goddess
Thee_Goddess: Hello messenger
Thee_Goddess: i have been helping you spread the meaage
Thee_Goddess: message
Thee_Goddess: for the first time i told a dear friend what god thinks of him
Thee_Goddess: dear
matthew mark: great, I need so much help
Thee_Goddess: well you have it hear friend
matthew mark: its hard to find someone that loves talking about the saviour
Thee_Goddess: sometimes we r afraid.. of rejection
Thee_Goddess: but i have the lord who will not reject me
Thee_Goddess: so i will reach out for him
matthew mark: thats so wonderful to hear you say that
Thee_Goddess: can i help you today messenger?
matthew mark: please
Thee_Goddess: what can i help you with?
matthew mark: I need you to share the Lords love to everyone you know
matthew mark: give that special love to your children
Thee_Goddess: you know matthew, i lead an open modest life
Thee_Goddess: many people who come into my life claim me to be an angel
matthew mark: and what do you say ?
Thee_Goddess: and i tell them, im just working for god
matthew mark: do you know what an angel is ?
Thee_Goddess: he has given me the gift to have people open up to me very quickly
Thee_Goddess: no i do not
matthew mark: an angel is a messenger
matthew mark: from heaven
Thee_Goddess: =)
matthew mark: to let people know about Jesus
matthew mark: a messenger came to mary to tell her that she would give birth to the saviour
Thee_Goddess: i have been sharing messages lately
Thee_Goddess: overwhelming to me
matthew mark: wonderful
Thee_Goddess: that i Had to tell the person
matthew mark: I see a love that comes from you
matthew mark: share it with the world because it can only come from Jesus
Thee_Goddess: i know this
Thee_Goddess: i want to love like him
matthew mark: thats great news
matthew mark: He needs you to let Him know this
Thee_Goddess: i do not know how to let him know messenger
Thee_Goddess: me and my children almost got sideswiped by a big truck today
Thee_Goddess: out of nowhere
Thee_Goddess: and i said outloud Thank you God for wathing over me
matthew mark: He loves you so much
matthew mark: He heard your cry
matthew mark: I must leave at this moment for my time is short
Thee_Goddess: I was not scared.. only Spoke out.. Thank you god
Thee_Goddess: until next time
matthew mark: God bless you Goddess
Thee_Goddess: message anytime

So as he wished.. I am telling each of you this day.. God loves you.. like a father.. through right and wrong.. he is Always there waitingfor you to come Home.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The only war

So this mistake has become your strength
Leaning on its lesson
Learning from its existance

I could have been giving in
Instead i was looking away
past what i wanted to see
What stands before me

from where i return to you
Searching for what you already have
forgotten where you misplaced it
did you even know it was there?

Place in me a forbidden dream
Breath into me unspoken words
Walking into your room
leaving my coat at the door
Leaving everything behind
to stand there unprotected in your eyes
and yet you still bind me
My words.. my weapons
You do not wish me to speak
to wage this war upon your soul
So i wait.. surely you will let curiosity get the best of you
Surely you will wonder what it is i was sent here to say
You hate me because You love me
Because you view your emotions as a weakness
You think they make you vulnerable
So you have hidden them from the world
Perhaps i am dillusional
BUt that look in your eyes was not lust my friend
That look was a hunger
One you have supressed for too long
You are dying to be alive
Denying the one thing you crave
You are searching to face the pain of death
before you face the one you have fallen for
You desire to run from me
To stop what you know has begun
But you thirst for just this taste
Know you not this sip is poison
That you will not escape its effect
It will take you.. and place me within your soul
I am here already my love...
Won't you invite me in?
You have spoken your Aversion
But I have seen your hands tremble with my touch
expressed your concerns..
after breathing in my kiss
i thought you could not see me
Now i know you can
Pacing on the floor
touching your hand to your mouth
Remembering what it was that ran through you when our lips would touch
You want it.. don't you?
You want to be where you once were..
Where i lay over you and disolve your every doubt
In that moment you know where you belong
When the world would vanish and only we would appear
You walk over to me.. place your hand in my hair..
you try to ignore the tears in my eyes
For surely it cannot be real
but they are..
and it drains you...
because you do not want to believe
what your heart tells you is true
Some things we cannot conceive
Some things are better left unsaid
You kneel before me.. and lay your head on my legs
You can feel i tremble to touch you
I can feel you trembling too
Fighting for your composure
Scrambling to rebuild your walls
Just let it fall love..
Let it fall
I am not here to abandon you
I am here..
Declaring my defeat
Waiting for you to lie with me
Defeated and in love
The only war..
Only one person can fight
but two people can conquer.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


I feel him behind me
Holding onto me as I live
Standing behind me as I try to hide
Lying beside me as I cry myself to sleep
He knows I am hurting..
when I have no tears in the daylight
He see's me bleeding in the night
Waiting for the answers
Trembling inside
Hold me sweet angel
So have you come for me this time?
Come to take me away?
Is it my time to walk with you
To see you
Is it time to release this breath
To hold onto your mighty wings as you pull me away
Never looking back
Releasing all the darkness
Freeing me from my mistakes
Is it time to Live with your guidance?
Thrive within the passion you have for me
This lonely mortal
My how times have changed
How I once flew with you
How we laughed in the rain
Danced in the wind
I fell away from you
I chose this angry form
This form of mortal passions
So now i am caught here between heaven and hell
Knowing not how to return to the place i once fell
I just wanted to live
Just this once
Just for this time
I wanted to hold him
feel him
breath him
I could no longer watch..
I had to be there.. where he could see me
Where he could Love me
Nothing else mattered
No risk was too eminent
No sacrifice gone modest or humble
I would be his.. and he in turn would live for me
The nights we watched the stars
Feeling blessed to have this one chance
turned to watching the skies alone
feeling cursed for having it taken away
Im tired sweet one
Im so tired
This is no longer my home
These are no longer my eyes
They are distant..
this heart is so frail
I cannot exist here like this
This is not what i came to hold
No heart could beat stronger
Id run through demons to find its source
No touch could ever bring that last touch back
My ears could touch a thousand words
and not one could replace his whisper
My eyes could touch a thousand faces
still.. not one could replace his fire
Smoldering inside this soul
Nothing left to rekindle
only ashes..

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Only Fly!

Her own tears..muffled by his silence
She thought for sure by now he'd have spoken
Said the words
Said something... anything
"Sometimes I feel like you do not want me around"
"Like your just waiting for a reason to go"
"I'm sorry"
She adores him..
She has spoken when only god seems to listen
When he is right there in her arms.. breathing.. waiting
She wakes to hold on to what is left
before the day she wakes to it no longer being there
I am not ready to be here..
I am not ready to hear what you have to say..
If it is no words you are speaking.. then surely your eyes have become loud in my presence
Your words are hidden by what my mind cannot fathom
My heart is stolen by the unknown..
running into myself everywhere i turn
Have i taken the time to face what I am inside?
Do the mirrors draw a fear that i cannot commit away from?
Told to face the unknown.. preparing for truth
Disinfecting what has been perceived only in ones mind
Mumbling in my sleep from that in which haunts me
You listen closely
Trying to find a clue
When I kneel before you confessing by day
You try to read between my lines..
but they are well defined
There is nothing to find
This is what I am
Before you is where I desire to fall
You reach out to touch my face
Hoping to feel anything other than nothing
What is it you have left to feel?
Is there anything that remains within you to give?
You fear my freedom.. my spirit that flies with fiery eyes
You fear you have been captured..
But there is no one here guarding you
You are free to go.. you need only stand and push away the door
from the lock that was never there
You can fly with me... if you want to
We can capture tiny moments in a jar
SHake them to watch them glow again
You can go your own way.. I will be going mine
I am sure our paths will cross more than you know
BUt surely there is no path to follow
Would you rather wander in the wilderness alone..
Unknown as to if you will ever find life again
The mere chance of finding a reason to smile
Yet you smile with me.. as your heart contemplates which way you will turn
With me.. you laugh.. as your soul hesitates being consumed
Without me you wonder if That was your chance
Without me you have not jumped.. but fallen
Which way do you wish to go?
Id surrender to be your guiding light
Will you shine for me in turn?
If we are meant to reach that same destination
Let us not fear where it is that has been chosen for us
Let us not fear...Together
Only fly

Dedicated to he.. whom holds my heart delicately in his hand.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Maybe the worst is you are doing fine
Maybe the truth is.. you are not looking back
That your best is yet to come
That I am no longer in your dreams
You had imagined me saying goodbye in yesterday
You have let this wind take you away
Maybe this was not a mistake afterall
Maybe you will be alright

Maybe the worst is you feel no pain
Maybe the truth is.. it doesnt matter anyway
That i can never be your best friend
That you could simply walk away
You have picked up all your things
You have taken back your keys
Maybe your taken back for a moment
Maybe there is nothing left to take

Maybe the worst is we are moving on
Maybe the truth is.. we are already gone
That you do not want forever
That i will not settle for right now
We are stuck here cleaning the mess I have made
We are battling truth in every way
Maybe you are just being kind
Maybe I am still being blind

Maybe the worst is i am breaking for you
Maybe the truth is.. I do not deserve to
That I can never take away your pain
That the best of us is gone
I am trying so hard to let this be
I am taking so much.. in fighting me
Maybe it was over before it began
Maybe we will never understand

Thursday, October 12, 2006

A messenger in the wind...

So i come home from work today and i get a random message...

A simple dot from the_messenger_12003

Those who know me.. know i believe god uses the number 23 in many combos to Grab my attention.. to say hey.. look at what is happening right now in your life..

So immediately i checked this profile

Occupation- Messenger of God

So i immediately try to reply to no answer... then 20 mins later A reply in the silence...

(this shit only happens to me)

Thee_Goddess: please tell me who you are
matthew mark: it is not important who I am, what is important is that you know who you are
Thee_Goddess: then how did you find me
Thee_Goddess: and why? 123
Thee_Goddess: god knows those numbers get my attention
matthew mark: I am not God
Thee_Goddess: i am not saying that
matthew mark: I am a messenger of God
Thee_Goddess: so give me my message
Thee_Goddess: i am ready
matthew mark: you know the message
Thee_Goddess: i should know the message
Thee_Goddess: i have been doing his work for some time now
matthew mark: Jesus knows when you are down and weary
matthew mark: He holds you so dearly in His heart
Thee_Goddess: i know he does
Thee_Goddess: and he is in mine
matthew mark: I have come today to let you know that He loves you more than life itself
matthew mark: He wants to hear from you
Thee_Goddess: what more can i say to him
matthew mark: what do you want to say to him, open your heart
Thee_Goddess: i say everything i want to say to him
Thee_Goddess: my heart is open to him and the world
Thee_Goddess: i am in your line of work messenger
matthew mark: thats great news
Thee_Goddess: surprised you did not know but i take a different approach
matthew mark: I am not hear for long, I have many to tend to
Thee_Goddess: what if i said i need you
Thee_Goddess: then you would leave?
matthew mark: remember this day for the Lord needs you
matthew mark: I am always here but it is the Lord you must speak to
matthew mark: He promises to never leave nor forsake you
Thee_Goddess: he is the only one
Thee_Goddess: i know this
Thee_Goddess: that will never leave nor forsake me
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: he is constant in His love for you
Thee_Goddess: again.. the only one
Thee_Goddess: i am certain
Thee_Goddess: yet i wonder why you have been sent
Thee_Goddess: I am strong in my faith walk
matthew mark: have you read his word today, He is trying to speak to you
Thee_Goddess: The only word i have read by him is in your profile
matthew mark: He will only be silent if you silence Him
matthew mark: you have not His words ?
matthew mark: BIBLE
Thee_Goddess: i have 2 of them right in front of me
matthew mark: I thought so
matthew mark: you are a beautiful child of His
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: take care my child
matthew mark: my heart and His love be with you always
Thee_Goddess: indeed...
Thee_Goddess: good luck with the others
Thee_Goddess: its rough out there

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Running for shelter from this storm
Don’t you want to dance with me?
You have searched.. You have called
You have knocked on this door time and time again
Endless nights with no reply
And you stand here Still remembering that silence
When so many words are flowing into the wind
So much is being seen
Finally given that open door..
The one that has been locked for centuries
What lies inside is unexplainable
Too broken for words…
Too powerful for understanding
But she stands..
Blood stained sword
Bruised by time
Scarred by her battles
But here her eyes are so full of life
Her fire not stolen by her failures but fueled by her destiny
Her passion to Endure
The one that has fought through Ages to come to this place
For this one moment preserved in the books of destiny
Holding your hand, but not to lead you astray
Not to lead you to any other place than where your heart remains
No intentions
Only aspirations of the unknown
To sit by the fire you have prepared and dream..
To see the burning embers of the past
Building upon your strengths
Understanding your weaknesses
A goddess brought to her knees
You have heard her whispers
Now she is listening for your reply

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Covering Scars.

Writing these letters to cover my scars
Sending them out to you but you cant read the words
I surrender to your silence
Render myself broken.. until your return
Pushed down time and time again
I try to rest my head on your chest and you stop breathing
So cold here
So alone no matter where i go
Feel me here now.. i may be gone soon
Take my heart.. before there is nothing to hold
Take me away.. before i no longer know myself..
Before i no longer recognize your face
One person cannot make this happen outside of You
I can feel myself fading
I can see where i will no longer stand
Your heart grown weary
Your eyes no longer look into mine.. they no longer search within me

Friday, October 06, 2006

So True!

My horoscope this weekend


Your Weekend: Here�s a piece of soap. Notice please, how wet and slippery it is. Now, would you be kind enough to hold it tightly for a few moments. Don�t let it go. Squeeze harder. Whoops! What have you done? It has gone flying. Let�s track it down and try again. Or then again, let's not. Something silly is now happening. You are trying too hard to gain control over a situation with a life of its own. Save yourself the stress this weekend. It will sort itself out if you relax, trust and just take gentle, positive action.

Walk not Run!

Im so tired of running
I just want to love without reserve
This life is faltering
These words are bleeding from my heart
Nothing is going to stop this from coming
Every moment lasting just a second longer without you
Turn away from what you will
I cant stand in your way
There is a truth that i see
Pouring out from the shadows of where hearts fall
Breathing is not supposed to be an effort
I take you there with me tonight
I feel you in my passion
I sense you in my words
I write in your honor and make love to your mind
I am submissive to your demands
Take me as you will
Dont let me stand
You know not what you risk
I am ready to run
Far from where you cry
Every day is and up and down battle
Fighting for what i have known
Waiting to see what I do not
Holding on to a memory left by each nightly dream
Feeling so alive when i am left smiling in the dark
Through the tears of defeat i try to
Lift something so much stronger than what i am
Im not hear to fight
You have done your best to break me down
There is not room for breathing here
Only suffocation in the air so heavy from what has passed
Im ready to walk away
I have seized the last bit of strength for this journey
Who will take my hand as I learn to walk this time?
How can I try when only you will stand behind ?
How can I learn if all i know is You?
I have a fear of becoming
What i will, when you are gone

Not mine.

I have faced my demons..
Found my strength to make it alright
I have lived up to my end of giving in
Your lips have become so cold
Even if i still feel warmth in your touch
It does not belong to me anymore
I can see it in your eyes
You will say goodbye in the morning
And nothing is alright
We are only borrowing time
To hold one another once again
To find a place of comfort to hide
While we are both so torn on the inside
So life is out there still waiting for our return
We are holding onto the past.. hesitant to let go
Too weak to hold on
Too broken to repair the wrong
Im not ashamed to cry
Yeah it hurts baby
You know it
I know it
I cant give back the unspoken promises
I cant take away the unexpected pain
I cannot be a better person then
Like the one i want to be now
I have rethought my strategies
and im taking them packing with me
I loved you too late
I have to stop wondering where we would be
I have to lay to rest my thoughts of holding you
Your not the man I should have given my heart to
I changed you into a memory of what could have been
I changed your arms into a place i used to be
I changed your heart into disaster..
One woman cannot clean up the mess i have made
Well, maybe someone more worth while
But your fighting me like the enemy
Your defenses are too strong for me
I have to stop wondering where you will go
You have made it clear.. i do not want to know
Why am i still begging to lie with you?
Why am i lying to my heart right now?
Maybe i just think you will feel better thinking i am gone
Maybe I believe you will heal.. if i just leave you alone
I dont want to walk away
So i fight you every step of the way
The tears are falling as You push me to the door
There is nothing left of me that you want anymore
I have been on your side before
I have walked 10000 miles in your shoes
But he was never who I have become
He walked away with a smile
Happy to be in his new place
Pleased to be rid of me
Never looked back at what he had lost
Never risked himself to bring me back together
So i say I cant make sense of it
I say I do not want to go
I beg you please and you tell me No
Remember.. You said I do no want to know!
I am lost now, but you know where to find me
If ever you find yourself
and decide your not what you want to be
without me!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Missing the Storm.

If I cannot speak to you,
let the thunder be my sweet words
If i can not touch you,
Let the rain stinging your skin be my touch
If I can not hold you,
Let this warm wind embrace you as I would
If you can not see me
See my soul in every strike of lightning
If you cannot understand me,
Look past these dark clouds to the
Sun trying so badly to shine

Monday, October 02, 2006


If you cannot love me then try to break me
If you no longer care then push me down
I have no choice but to love you through the anger
I have no choice but to feel you
We have shared so much
There is so much more ahead
I have wondered so many things
But it all comes back to me loving you
I cant try to walk away
Id leave my heart behind
I cant close my eyes..
Because even there I see you
I wonder why I want to stay
I wonder why you want me to
I wonder where this will go if we both stop trying
I wonder where it could have been already
You wonder if I care, through my tears you do not see
You wonder if I am true. through my words you Will not hear
You are balancing unwaverly on a crossroad..
What do we have to lose?
What is left to break beside our hearts?
Before you go,
I think you ought to know
I cry for you each night
Before i fall asleep with your shirt wrapped in my arms
I think you ought to know
This is not make believe
If i could walk away I would
But i cannot run from you
There is too much left here of me
Inside of you
I have given you nothing that you cannot replace..
But i gave it to you to keep
To know who I am
To know what I feel
And each day I reach into your soul and find more of you
Each day I look onward to the next..
Only hoping That will be the day you finally love me
So take this time...
Find what it is you want.. What you have
Show yourself your heart and listen to it
If i let you go.. will the pieces of your heart come back together?
Am i hurting you by holding on
I dont want to hurt you more than I have
I feel i am failing
That instead of removing the knife from your heart
giving you time to heal
That i am merely twisting it around
I am afraid you will heal me away
Cut your losses and cut our ties
How can I say goodbye.. each time not knowing if it will be the last
How can I walk away knowing you may never come after me
How can I put these things away.. that hold your memory.. Your scent.. Your words
How can i turn this song off.. The one you shared
How can I not hear the message in the words
I need to rest my mind
I need to get through this
I am falling apart from the inside out
Falling all over myself
Feeling too much
Every second outside of you is a desperate reminder of the wrong i have done
How can I let go and just let what will be.. become?
Would you not fight tooth and nail on the way to your executioner?
Would you not beg for your life until your last breath?

Sunday, October 01, 2006


Breath in..
What have I done
What mess have I created
You call me a stranger when once you called me a lover
There is anger.. Too much to define
Caught beneath your eyes..
Born beneath the steps of time
I fear your resentment
I fear the way you look away
Release myself when i find myself in your arms
I can neglect the thoughts of every moment before and after
To only Love.. being there.. in that instant where you see me
To Hold you in the dark where you allow my touch to make your heart shutter
Barely breathing.. I hear your words in my ear
Close my eyes.. watch you fall away into this love
My path was written, but who am I to follow rules
My heart was set.. and mislead in one night
Have I shown myself the door to misery
Shall I turn to the hands of time and remind myself of who i have been..
...Until Now
You come to me in my dreams..
Dreams I cannot control
You have such power over me
I am battling a war within my own soul
Here.. Now.. Tomorrow.. and into the end
God save my soul
I am sure to stumble this life
I am sure to fall and bleed
I am unraveling at the deepest seem and laying myself before you
Do you even want to know what is within?
It goes beyond this
It is so much more than I can envision
I dont want to move on before i discover the truth
I should take this time to explore my heart
To know what makes it shutter... to understand this ache
To know what exists and what is merely My dream
To know.. have I been wrong all along
I want to see where this came from and take it all away
I want to scream at that little girl out in the rain
I want her to know I love her.. but she cant go on this way
I want her to stop being so afraid to feel.. to hurt..
I want to tell her.. they love her.. even if they cant show it.
To take her into my arms until she stops crying
I want to give her that warmth she did not know existed
That she had only dreamt about
I want to show her the ways her daddy loved her.. even if he dissappeared
I want to show her the things mommy hid to make their lives easier
I want her to know even parents make mistakes.. just as she will..
Mistakes that can change your whole life
Mistakes that can create an emptiness that nothing can fill
I want her to know there is not just One person out there that would die for her.. to know there are many.. but she refuses to see them
God watch over this child..
I cannot go back and show her these things
But I can go back and see the truth now
I can see.. but have i learned to find understanding
Is it too late to change what i have become?
Is it too late to show her love is not a stranger
But expressed in ways she may not understand
That she needs to stop looking for the obvious and begin to Feel the unseen
Can she do this?
Can we start from there?
Can we go over this life and look for the things we missed somewhere along the way
Should the past just be left in the passing horizon?
Left each day trying to make up for the last
Is there hope in places that we can no longer see..
Only remember

I cant Unlove you- Lyrics

Postcards and letters
And pictures made to last forever
To be boxed up and tossed away
Knickknacks and souvenirs
In an afternoon, they're out of here
They'll disappear without a trace
But what they mean to me
Can never be replaced

I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you

Interstates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself it's meant to be this way
No matter how I try some things I can't change

I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you

He played this song for me today..
"This song reminds me of you"
and i cried... I love him.

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.