Monday, May 29, 2006

My heart is full... my eyes so open
The storm is coming..
I hear it.. I feel it
The thunder rushes through my blood
The pain is gone.. or is it numb?
I dont care... Im not feeling it.

Someone who has been through hell
and came out alive.
Someone who would go back to hell to find me
if he had to.
Someone who wants so badly to be in my life until our dying breath,
who's only passion is to be there for me through life,
and be beside me when he dies.
Someone who is romantic... passionate... soulfull
Someone i feel the desire to worshipand be worshiped by
Someone who is strong in emotion and mind,
expressive about what he feels and wants
Someone who accepts me for the bad and the crazy...
No matter what I look like now or in 50 years..
There will be nothing more in this world after me
and nothing to me after him..
Only his constant desire to love me more each day
and never walk away...
never leave me behind
To fight for me when i am weak
and to reach for me when i fall
You would do anything for the one you love.
You dont have a choice..
Your soul will not allow you to let them down.
That is when you can Create goals in life TOGETHER.
You have to be One in mind... and spirit
before you can move onwards and not miss a step,
not allow your "one" to fall... ever.
to create a trust that when they look up from falling...
it will ALWAys be your eyes they will look into...
YOUR hand that will be reaching down for them.

"The air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy.
The merest whisper of your name awakes in me a shuddering sixth sense.
I am longing for a kiss that makes time stand still."

That is my soulmate.. i will know him when i feel him!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

i say what i mean
i dont send messages
i dont make people read between the lines
because they only see what they want to hear

Im here too...

I saw you last night...
I knew you'd be gone as soon as the morning light shone
My breath grew silent..as i watched
I knew you were my dream.
You walked into the room and the world around you stood still
You couldnt see me...but you knew wherever i was, i was thinking about you
You were alone in your room and you sat on your bed
You took out a picture you had of me
Gently ran your finger down the side of my face
Gazing into my big brown eyes
I cant hear what you are thinking...but i see a tear fall from your face
Suddenly you look angry.. you look sad... at the same time
The picture falls to the floor.
You stand up and walk over to your mirror..
You say "Pull yourself together."
You turn around and i can see the strangest thing...
Part of you is still sitting on that bed... he picks up the picture and glares at you with discontent
You pretend to not see him.. just as you have chose to not see me.
You turn back to the mirror.. wipe the tears from your face.. and walk out of the room...
Shutting the door you left him and I behind
He still cannot see me... he cries.. alone on his bed.
I go to him.. I cant leave him there to hurt alone... His tears give me tears.
We want so badly to hold one another but cannot.
We want so badly to feel one anothers presence... but are unable
We are not allowed.
He is a shadow left behind by the one who controls him
He is a part of himself... pushed away... fought to forget
I lay beside him and watch his blue eyes falter in my absence
I watch the lips i once kissed so gently.. quiver
I reach my hand to touch his face and he closes his eyes...
"Im here with you baby"
...Im here too.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

My goodbye?

I am sorry but I cannot pretend to only want to be your friend. I have been nothing but truthful with you.. always, and the truth is.. It is too hard for me to talk to you right now. I need time to get over you. I cant help but secretly hope that every time i see your name on my phone that you are calling to say...
"Baby this hurts too much, I need you. I want to marry you!"

I know you are happy now and I am sorry i cannot be one more friend on your list of people to call for support. I am not strong enough.

You were the shining star of my existance and now there is only darkness...an eclipse apon my soul in your absence.

"Once in your life you find someone"
"Who will turn your world around"
"Pick you up when your feeling down"

Only once? That scares me. Someone told me the only thing that can take away the pain is a greater love.. so now I pray that it exists.. a "greater" love... someone that for once will not walk away from me.

Right now I am content in remembering who you used to be.. the man who used to wonder what i was doing always, if i drank my water, what i was eating for dinner...

My Fiance died April 17th 2006... he was such a precious soul. I know he would have wanted to be there with me on my birthday, i know he would have wanted me to be happy, and he was there with me in my heart... I know he would have wanted to see me smile with his own eyes, had he still been able to open them. I know my fiance believed in sickness and in health.. and he would have held my hand in the clinic as i waited scared and crying, I know he would have sat with me as i talked about my past and handed me tissues.. he was a beautiful man..

He and i were relentlessly in love... two stubborn taurus's in love that would stop at nothing to be together.. "No matter what"

I will think about him till the day he and I are reunited in heaven, cause I know he will be there, and I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life to meet him there. I know he is waiting for me and has faith that I wont let him down. That I wont leave him there alone. I know if he were alive, he would be thinking about me this very moment.. cause there was never a minute gone by that he wasnt thinking about me. I know that if he were alive, He would be confessing his love to me, and I to him.. and that makes me happy...

That is how I choose to live now. In memory of what was... in memory of who you once were.

I will call you when I am healed...if ever. I will call you when friends is all I want to be. When I have found that "greater love", When I have replaced my best memories with something more beautiful. Until then... can we just correspond through email or Im's?

This song is for him, I am dancing with him right now.. holding him in my arms, kissing his cheek, looking into his eyes and smiling.. he is smiling back at me and we have tears in our eyes.. because we are together... for always.. and nothing is greater than that.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Dont want to Die alone!

I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed

I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same bright star

I wonder, I pray
And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please... come home soon
Come home soon

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny(engagement ring) 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here... on my own
So please... come home soon
Come home soon

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's ...our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home

So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you,
don't want to die alone

So please, come home soon
Come home soon
...Come home soon!

Come Home soon-Shedaisy

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Can you hear me whisper your name in the night wind?
I close my eyes and reach my hand out.. allowing the wind to gently brush past it.. embracing for a moment and releasing as it continues on its path...
You cannot see the wind coming... You cannot see it leave..
You can only feel it as it is there.. as it passes.

You cannot capture it.. u cannot create it.. u cannot control or tame it
You can only close your eyes and experience it

Sound Familiar?

Love is the wind that twists our souls..
It brushes by and sweeps through our existance as the wind pulls the leaves into the air and spins them... then releases them to float gently back to the ground.
Captures you for a moment in time..
One chance to feel alive
One chance at a time..

Friday, May 19, 2006

Bury me..

I have found so many beautiful songs in my life.. songs that i have fell in love with, songs I could see myself falling in love to.. songs that can twist me in every way that I become a part of the music. I have also found the not so beautiful songs.. the ones that cradle my pain... show me understanding in the thought that someone out there in the world has felt the way I do.. that I am not alone... Lonely but not alone..


What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn’t take this anymore

What would you do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?

I’m not running from you

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me

All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now...

this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself

Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?

-----------------------------------

What is it exactly he is saying?

If you dont love me anymore.. then bury me.
Without you I cannot live.
Without you I am nothing... 6 feet under.
I cannot change..
But if you cannot handle who I am.. I understand.
This is who I am... I CANT CHANGE!

I cannot be... (Dido-Here with me)

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't sleep And I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

Not erasing... just moving =)

Because I dont want to erase his memory.. only move it to the side.. I had to delete this off of myspace today!

"But, I am newly engaged to the most amazing man alive. A man who stood by my side "no matter what". A man who would have loved me any way I could be in his life. Who listened as I cried... he would not let me cry alone. A man that I swore whoever ended up with him would be most blessed. (I made myself jealous thinking of it not being me just now.. hehe)I never truly knew what love was until I fell in love with him... until he showed me how a real man treats the love of his life. A real man that loves me more than life itself. He is my best friend and my lover. I will never forsake him. God has sent me his most precious Angel."

Monday, May 15, 2006

Thoughts.

Should i be afraid?
Am i unable to feel?
sitting here with this loss of innocence
breathing in the air...
questioning why it is I breath...
what it is i breath for.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Waking..

Waking..
I take in a breath of sadness.
Careful to release my dream...
I open my eyes slowly
Gently allowing my senses to return to my body
Close my eyes once again with a daydream lingering from the thoughts that remain
Putting together all the pieces...
making right, what had gone wrong...
I slowly diminish the lingering fright..
I take what is real and place it back into my thoughts
My body trembling from the return of my senses
My heart tremors to rise me..
Welcoming the new day...
Open the windows of my mind
Returning to me...
what in my sleep...

I must leave behind.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Thoughts.

You know when your a little kid and you have these dreams.. and you strive to find them your whole life... you fail, you make mistakes, you pick yourself back up and put the pieces back together... each time losing or finding a part of yourself you never knew before ..
Every time it seems harder and harder to pull yourself back together... as fast as you once did... as hope dwindles.. you become looser in stature... do you begin to fall apart.. do your dreams fade away?

I just want to go home...

Chris and I had One special song that we were supposed to listen to when we missed eachother or needed one another and we couldnt be there...

Here is mine from him.. I need him right now, so I am listening to it.

I feel like a song without the words,
a man without a soul,
a bird without its wings,
a heart without a home.
I feel like a knight without a sword,
a sky without the sun,
cause you are the one.

I feel like a ship beneath the waves,
a child who's lost its way,
a door without a key,
a face without a name.
I feel like a breath without the air,
and everyday's the same, since you've gone away.

I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you;

I miss you, everyday.

I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
still holding on, girl,
I won't let you go,
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.

They tell me that a man can lose his mind
living in the pain.
Recallin' times gone by,
I'm crying in the rain.
You know I've wasted half the time
and I'm on my knees again.
'Til you come to me.
Yeah.I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you.

And I miss you, everyday.

And I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Lay my head against your heart, I know I'm home.
I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.

I just want to go HOME!!!!



Do you know a goddess in love when you see one?
Can you see the difference in my eyes?
Can you see my bliss knowing at this point i was engaged to the man of my dreams... engaged to an angel fallen to earth in my honor?
Can you see that I was looking into HIS eyes? That i was smiling into HIS existance?
Life is So short and now I am existing without him.. how is that withstandable?
I will have to live the last 50 years of my life looking back on these pictures and knowing that I once found true happiness... Once.

I never made love to a man my whole life until him...

I never felt the emotions i felt for a man...with a man... before him...

There was nothing before him... everything with him... and No one After him

God bless you Christopher Ryan Pearson...

Love your ex-almost wife

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Thoughts.

To crave for that kind of love, but to not recieve... to expect it to become..eventually.. that is the demise of any relationship.
There should be no relationship before love.
You sacrifice for love.
You suffer for love.
You would do anything for the one you love.
That is when you can Create goals in life TOGETHER.
You have to be One in mind... and spirit before you can move onwards and not miss a step,
not allow your "one" to fall... ever.
to create a trust that when they look up from falling...
it will ALWAys be your eyes they will look into...
Your hand that will be reaching down for them.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I gave you...


Now I will tell you what I have done for you...

I gave you life when you no longer felt alive
I gave you the attention that no one bothered to give you
I gave you the promises you never thought anyone would give you
I gave you a heart that bleeds so faithfully in your honor
I gave you a world that never has to be outside of the light of god
I gave you a smile that held value, replacing your once emotionless pictures
I gave you a shoulder to cry on when no one cared to listen
I gave you ambition to become greater than you ever wanted to be
I gave you a hand to hold when no one was reaching to you
I gave you a love that will last everafter, a love worth dying for
I gave you truth of a heart and soul that has been weathered but has not lost hope
I gave you a dream of a family, that would never fail to this world
I gave you someone to trust, someone to depend on
I gave you security that I would never forsake you or abandon you
I gave you a star to wish on
I gave you words to live by, words to warm your soul
I gave you a place to fall into, when we couldnt stop falling, I opened myself to you despite my better judgement...
Now I fall alone!



Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time,
I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again...
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII died for YOU!!

Evanescence -going under

I hear ya Amy! I know exactly where you are coming from.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


"Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is
And fixing your problems and starting over again"

So you have seen me with my defenses down... not so beautiful now?
Not so perfect?
Can't stand what you see inside the ashes?
Can't take the pressure of standing back and watching me try to stand?
You feel helpless? YOU feel Helpless?
Try walking with me... try feeling what I feel..
Try taking in all I have taken and let me watch You stand.
You may be able to give up on me, but I will not..
I will pull through. I will pull myself back together soon
Life isnt beautiful...
Im not giving up on myself...
I have too much left to lose
With my tiny ounce of sanity I will watch you walk away
With my hand shaking I will let down your ring
Fighting my heart I will let you give up on me
"This isnt over"
You shot me with your words
I'll search for the one who believes in me
I'll reach for the one who needs me
I never doubted you... when you said you loved me
But i should have known you dont understand what love is...
What love is worth.
One day you will see..
You threw our lives away
You will try to love again...but nothing will ever take away the void i have created in your soul
I used to think how lucky you were to get it right the first time, To never go through heartache.. to never have some one walk away from you... You were so lucky
One day you will hate me for loving you so much
One day you will hate the emptiness you have inside because of me
One day you will hate what you have lost... what you know exists and you walked away in your confusion
I can only try to heal love... will it be so wrong to let you go?
Will it be so wrong to tell you I love you but you gave up on me...
Will it be so wrong to say "Sorry, I have to go".
Will the world turn upside down?
Will the reality of losing me shatter your heart the way you have left mine?
Will you stop at nothing to get me back?
Will you be relentless?
Will you fight wars for me?
Will you see right through me? Will you even know me anymore?
Will you go through hell just for the chance to bring me back?

Cant put this away...

Whenever i have an emotion, i feel this burning throughout my body... (thanks lexapro)
I thought it would take away the pain of losing my soulmate...
but i return to sitting here.. wondering...waiting.. if he will miss me soon.
They say time will take away the pain... I also heard a person can go crazy dealing with it..
Which path do I choose?
Do i let myself win? Do I let myself lose?
I have nothing left to lose... he took everything with him when he walked out the door.
How could i ever move on?
How can I ever look into another mans eyes and not see his?
How can I ever hear "I love you" and not hear chris speaking to me
Everything reminds me of him... everything
I have dreamt of him every night i have been able to sleep.
Talking to him hurts, because he doesnt say he loves me anymore...
I put away the things that remind me of him.. but there are so many things i cant put away...
I cant put away the bed we once shared
I cant put away the road i used to daydream about him on while im driving
I cant put away the music he and i so romantically shared, danced to, proposed to
I cant put away the words that dance in my mind
I cant put away the water he used to drink and swish
I cant put away the breath from my lips that whispers "i love you baby"
I cant put away the beating in my chest that pounds so deeply for his love
I cant put away my eyes that search for him... everywhere i go
I cant put away my son he used to carry around so lovingly
I cant put away the homework he used to do with my daughter after school
I cant put away the gentle comfort from my children when i cry...telling me "Its ok mommy, he will come back cause he loves you"
I cant put away the empty seat at church i gaze upon where he and i used to sit holding hands.
I cant' put away my finger, where his promise of love and commitment once rounded
I cant put away the sky i used to gaze upon and thank god for my fiance
I cant put away the forever he promised to be by my side...

Monday, May 01, 2006



"You're my last stop. My only stop".
How could he have been so wrong?

Walking in a dream, waking from my nightmares...
Shaking... scared... lost
Praying for sleep, praying for this to end
When will i wake up to find him lying in my arms?
When will i close my eyes to breath in his scent once again?
Rebuild my world, to shatter it in the end?
What have i done so wrong... but love someone so completely?
Why cant he see? Why cant he feel my absence the way I feel his?
Why can't we just start over and do this the right way?
He once loved me so much that it hurt for him to be away,
He once spoke of nothing completing him more than being in my presence..
Now he speaks of nothing...
His silence truly has become the delicate array of torture i once dreamt it could be..
God please, must i beg... stop this... please
Let us do this right.
Bring back his love.
My soul is torn, I know there is nowhere left for me to go.
He is my world.
He is my breath.
He is my gift from heaven above.
Please don't make me exist without him.
Please god... id give my life for his...as he has said he would do for me..
Is this what was intended..
Is this the death I must endure?

"Pride can stand
a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars
without you
My soul cries
Heaving heart
is full of pain
Oooh, oooh, the aching
'Cause I'm
kissing you,
oooh
I'm kissing you,
oooh
Touch me deep
pure and true
Give to me
forever
'Cause I'm
kissing you,
oooh
I'm kissing you,
oooh
Where are you now ?
Where are you now ?
Cause I'm
kissing you
I'm kissing you...

The song i told him to listen to whenever he missed me...
He used to miss me so badly...
I would do everything in my power to take away his loneliness...
it wasnt enough..
I wasnt enough
How could he just go on living knowing what we had?
How does this not hurt him?
Did he ever truly love me at all?
Will he ever love another more than me?
Could he?
Will he ever share the words that we shared... with another?
No... please god no, I am the love of his life...
Don't let him forget.
We are meant to be.