Sunday, December 31, 2006
One that reaches out and turns the hearts of strangers
Had you never came
Had you never went
What purity would my words endure?
This story belongs to you
This is for you..
I have turned you into something to crave
I have made your eyes visible in the souls of others
I parted your wings and made you human
I take a part of you which now belongs to me
My breath seeps into my pillow
Loud and disruptive
My heart beats this unwanted blood through my veins
the blood that once meant something to you
I have created this prison
Where i keep you in these pages
Like a caged animal for all to view
Putting your weaknesses on display
They think your a god..
to bring me to my knees
To weaken what they know as strength
But you and I know
You are nothing outside my mind
We had a place.. and you burned it to the ground
We had what everyone wants
What Men have died to defend
And You surrendered it all
So I add the finishing touches to your Great Tragedy
Singe the wound and tie the last stitch
You will heal just fine
Your just another torn out page
Just another tearful memory
Not a tear for your return
But a tear of pity for myself perhaps
A shameful memory of watching myself unravel
Seeing what I had been reduced to in your absence
You were only a vapor of reality
An apparition of what my mind created
A counterpart in a fantasy fed to us as children
And taken away as we grow older
The night will come and I will lay you to rest
Placing within you a token of my gratitude
Thank you for giving me this passion to live on without you
Thank you for walking away and leaving me with my thoughts
Thank you for each night I had to endure
For ripping my heart open and allowing my blood to form words
Now I give it away to the world..
Not just you
Without you now.. I am never alone.
I am given to this world
Friday, December 29, 2006
The stars are falling but all wishing has seized
The dance we dreamt of will never come
The musics essence has rendered numb
Senses gone.. you promised to not forget
I promised to never walk away
My words have turned sour
and here i stay
How can I trust that love is blind
That no one will see into my heart
and know what is inside mine
The tides are changing
Seasons misplaced in time
and yet the world still spins
each day without fail
My lungs still breath
When nothing feels the same
and so much of you remains
Every turn the wrong way
So i stand here for awhile
Taking in all that has been
Dreaming of your smile
My last mistakes left to choose
Lingering through my mind the precious.. the few
The sadness obliterated with distractions
The thoughts muffled with a false sense of security
A pillow if you may..
To smother the life I have forseen
A Stone.. to shatter the glass you watch me through
A death row Pardon..
and yet the reaper follows close behind.
Where will I go.. unknowing of the end
I should turn around to look death in the eyes..
meet him at his playground
But now is not the time
For now i will close my eyes
Head to the ground..
Still waiting for my senses
Hand outreached for strength...
Heart holding in the truth..
Can you feel me breathing now?
Your heartbeat deafens the silence
Water falling from behind
A candles flicker dances on the ceiling
A kiss to remind you im still there
A sigh to question if you are too
I have never heard my thoughts so loud
To kiss your body and warm my lips
Lay against you leaving no room to be torn apart
This perfection may never leave this room
Your words may not say what it is you say right now
Your touch may not linger outside these walls
So i lead you here
Time after time
To remember what it is by day
That i crave into each night
Silencing the confusion in this darkness
Taking in the love that belongs to me
Wearing it upon my neck
Checking in the mirror to be sure it still adorns my chest
Inking a heart onto my wrist
Letting it seep into my veins
A heart.. to bleed inwards
Fallen and content
Never to drift away.
A day to supress the dreams of Happiness
A moment to grasp what is real and true
Handed a glimpse of faith
A tiny letter beneath your pillow
A whisper into your eyes wide shut
"I am here...I am here!"
To my dearest Lucifuge
Friday, December 22, 2006
My precious pain
All lies in your words
Your constant return
After all it wasnt that far to fall
In my sobriety I look away and think not of the butterflies
Tear them up.. these endless love letters
Watch me throw them away
But do not let me see you
I am strong
as long as your gone
Your eyes make my heart tighten
The poison of your memory in my mind
Where has my composure gone?
Nothing makes sense when you speak
But your a needle to my vein
A morphine to my craving
To dull the truth
With your darkened song
I hear myself humming it in my sleep
You keep cutting me.. cutting way too deep
Out on a limb..
Ready to fall.. to be free
Wont you reach out..
Spare my soul..
and push me..please?
I cast a part of me.. to make you follow it away
Just far enough to capture this apparition
As I close my eyes and run...
As far from you as i can be
Try to make you forget what you have seen
Pretend I never knew you
Pretend you never knew me
Wipe away the love you have envisioned
I think it is healthier this way
Better that you not hang on
Your words are over run by your actions
Ill admit where i have gone wrong
Staring at the sky.. breathing in the silence
I have forgotten how redeeming it feels to be free
I have forgotten the little things inside of me
Ill take this time to listen again
Ill take this time to be a friend
Ill give myself what has been taken away
I am reclaiming who i wanted to be yesterday
Thursday, December 21, 2006
wrap it around my finger
Remind me of what is wrong
Remind me of where I have been
Where I wake up from
Where I fall asleep
Take a tiny pin and poke it in my eye
Make it all even
For everything i said that was a lie
Its just a little pin prick
Its ok to cry
I wanted to mean more
I want you to feel the other side of me
But you are that tiny pin
Strangle me with your tiny string
You'd want to know wouldnt you
How it would feel to be outside of me
Kiss me so it burns without
Hold me so your arms never feel the same
You wanted to look into my eyes
So the thought of them would haunt you
So the thought of me
never sets you free
Im supposed to make it better
Im supposed to save you
To shelter you from this world
To warm you from the cold
To pull you in and make you feel
To show you the meaning of real
And here I am.. failing
Here I am bleeding
Tell me is she ok?
Tell me is she in there?
I need to know
Where did she go?
How did she go?
Not walking into tragedy
I see the fire surround me
im walking through
away from you
Its time I fight for me
Its time I comfort me
Lick my wounds
Tastes so sweet to hurt doesn't it
Sounds so comforting to hear my own screams
There is Nothing Not inside of me
Here in the face of my own insanity
I feel it all
I see it all
I Give it ALL!!!
Not what you need..
Not what you see..
This mirror is so cruel
No longer outside looking in
But inside looking out
The vision I must go without
The one I perceive to be
The one they believe is me
No matter what angle i look..
How i try to see
There is no one else there
STanding there beside me
They are all outside..
Outside Looking in at ME!!
Dedicated to: Those of you looking in..
So I guess... everyone! Take it.. this is for you!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
You can't end up
Where you refuse to go
I lie here fighting the illness
One that leaves me week
Born into a world of confusion
Released free with a perfect imbalance
Sanity replaced only in sleep
When i smile it is infectious
So wont you hold me?
Be that reason I need?
I am pulled here to make others live
While i pull myself together each night
with no one to show me the way
I know now i can blame no one
Not even myself
For hiding within what i do not understand
For that which scares me
surely cannot be comforting to others
He says speak of it
I tell him I am afraid
If i can just hold in there a few more days
Everything will come together for a short time
and i can rest in the arms of love
Comfort lost with the kiss of goodbye
Misplaced happiness with the closing of the door
The silence is deafening
His absense an eclipse
Left with everything to lose
So the night falls
and i still hold his hand in mine
with my eyes pressed closed
knowing he is not really there
Dont take this away from me
Let me sleep
Let me dream
Holding the pillow he once layed his head
wrapping myself around it
lying my face against it as it were his chest
Landing safely into my dreams
never letting go
I want to show you..
I want to whisper to you gently
and move your heart
Hide the emptiness beneath your smile
It all goes away in the end
I need you
to believe in me
Because its not better off this way
If I give my dreams to you
will you take them away from me?
If i show you where I want to go
Will you close your eyes, pretending not to see?
Waiting for the breakdown
That bond that nothing can come between
I will watch you on your way down
Hold you tightly, while things first seen
seem so foreign.. feel so new
I will guide you my love..
I am not here to mislead you
Only take this world
and give you life u did not know
one unknown to many
and held by few
My heart for yours
Tied in Two
Your soul redeemed
Resting in this place till the sand replaces time
Holding onto one another
Your hand.. In Mine.
No longer just my dream
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And i wonder what i've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me
now to carry your son.
I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load i bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must i walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.
Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.
Do you wonder
as you watch my face,
If a wiser
one should have had my place,
But i offer all i am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
but do i really have to
Standing here alone..
Laughing at the flames
Waiting for you to join me
It just doesnt really feel the same
I did this for you..
Not a blink at the worlds
id bring down for you
Crashing around me..
A great force to walk to you
There was just no other way
Than to turn my head
to make you stay
Take this kiss my love
Take it into your dream
I am here
Holding onto the gift you have given..
Flowing within you
The Warmth I have craved
The touch I have become addicted to
The taste of your lips on mine
Your finger running up my spine
I never imagined this was how it would become
I never knew you'd throw down your pride
and now.. here You stand before me
And i do not believe my eyes
Your heart still beating..
A flood of tears fall
to claim your heart again
Releasing every anxiety I have discovered
Here i breath again
No longer biting my lip and sigh
towards the sky
You are amazing
I notice every little thing
I see every smile
I feel every breath you take in
I capture every glance
Never.. taken for granted
Never left for chance
Arms wide open i ran to you
Broke down the walls built
keeping me Without you.
Where Always has turned to never
Where heartache fades to a smile
Maybe...Vanishes into Forever
These are the dreams in between
Where screaming turns to silence
Where Nothing becomes your everything
Guilt... Returns you to Innocence.
These are the moments in between
Where there is nothing left to fight
Where running away turns to standing still
Everything.. feels so right
This is the Reality in between
Where Everything calms down
and for once you can see things happening
As they happen..
Not after they pass you by...
No more reasons to look behind.
No meanings left to search for.
No more words unspoken
No more walking out the door.
No more uncomfortable silence.. when love should be whispered in the wind
I love you too.
Dedicated to my love, Greg.
Unhappiness does not have to be the only inspiration.. I love you!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Friday, 15th December 2006
(Apr 21 - May 21)
|How long is a piece of string? Write your answer please on a piece of string and send it to the following address. Better still, don't bother. Just give the string to a chicken and ask it to carry it across the road. The world is full of things we can neither properly quantify nor fully explain. That's what makes it magical. It's also what makes it mad. Your journey from now till Christmas is due to be both beautiful and bizarre. Appreciate what's good about it and be amused by whatever makes no sense.|
-Greg and Cat-
Friday, 15th December 2006
(Jul 24 - Aug 23)
|They used to do a lot of slaughtering of the first born back in the olden days. A Pharaoh tried it in a vain attempt to keep Moses at bay. Herod, similarly, made a failed pre-emptive strike on Jesus. Who told them that a great soul was about to be born? An astrologer! This job carries a lot of responsibility. It is my duty to tell you now that a powerful force is about to rise up in your world. Don't waste energy trying to outwit or avoid it. Accept it. Embrace it. And allow it to bring forth a transformation.|
Friday, 15th December 2006
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
|The Sun, this weekend, edges ever closer to a conjunction with Pluto. Remember Pluto? This time last year, Pluto was a planet. Now, well, according to the scientists, it is not as important as it used to be. So, it won't be about to ensure that you have a life-changing experience, that you understand something crucial and that you walk through a doorway into a whole new realm within the next 48 hours or so. Or, er, will it? Actually, it will. You will remember this weekend for the rest of your life.|
Friday, December 08, 2006
Come to mark your prey
Undone within your grasp
So tortured and bound
Little time has passed
The blood that falls beyond your eyes
Watching yours flow to the crypt
as you salivate for mine
An angels life blood you wish to sip
Poison wicked hearts of demons
What is it you hear
That you have not been seeing
Imititate light.. the shades have been pulled
You secretly desire..
The masses have been fooled
Smoke in the trees
You hide in the night
Fading into the darkness
Diminishing before the light
On my knees to pray
You come from behind
To feast my sweet vein
Your presence is weakened in MIne
You lust for the innocense
Like nectar of gods
Create an obsession
Yet the beauty forces your pause
Determined to possess
To turn.. to Sire
My eyes.. paralyze your senses
Only threatening your desire
You want to administer your threat
Join me at this alter
I open my eyes and the blood stained pillars
Washed white with my power
God given and Crucial is my walk
His divine plan.. becomes my life
My blood too pure for even
A gods emblazoned knife
So turn you will not
But gaze from afar
To crave this purity
like death to the pain
Set your eyes on this pale scar
watch it wash away in the rain
You have no power here.
Backed into a hole
MInd like a siren
Heart of a fool
Hand to me the glimpse of you
Walk with me and make it through
Miles with no end
Inside out again
Take with me the All I am
Watch me wrap around you
PLace on me a silver band
of ink that we once drew
Hand to me a glimpse of me
Help me listen
Help me breath
Moments with no end
Im upside down again
I want to come undone
Its so beautiful being the Fallen one
Let me make you bleed
Oh how you aim to please
Pull my hair.. make me scream
You want to watch
Where you want to be
Carry myself into your dirty dream
Hate me hurt me
You dont want me to love
You want me to beg you to love me
You dont want to love me
You crave your obsession
You want to master the free
So now you want me to lay
to cry with every word you say
You want me to falter
My heart to return
But i was untied
You told me i lied
How was i to know
what was left deep inside
Seconds left to cry
I wont let you die
Shouldnt you be going now
You want to see me rip from inside?
With your heart lying all twisted and broken
I will not retrieve the love I have spoken
To thrive in passion
To give you a glimpse of what can become
To set your heart on fire
To search for The one.
I have been where you are
I have hurt like you do
I have forgiven that man
That has done to me
What i have done to you
Now I understand
Full circle.. oh so clear
Wiped away the questions
Questioned what was left to fear
I did not know what was coming
Only where my heart said to go
So i followed without hesitation
How was I to know?
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I’d do anything to make it right
Let’s be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Let’s be us again
Here I stand, With everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you
Won’t you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let’s be us again
Look at me, I’m way past pride
Isn’t there some way that we can try
to be us again
Even if it takes awhile ill wait right here until I see that smile
That says we re us again
And here I stand with everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t ever wanna see the end
Baby please I m reaching out for you
wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Baby, baby what would I can’t imagine life without you
Here I stand with everything to loose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you wont you
open up your heart and let me come back in
Here I am I m reaching out for you
so wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Ohhh let’s be us again
That a tiny place in their heart has been claimed
How do you make the pain go away when your soul is shining
How do you wipe away the tears when your left smiling at the end of the day
How do you walk away from something you have broken?
How do you right what you have done wrong?
When do ou accept there is nothing you can do..
That wrong has been done and worlds must fall.. in your aftermath?
Oh god... it is full circle.. I see it more than ever now..
My first love..
He did this to me
Now i have done it to another..
and i now forgive him
Now.. i see why..
I walked away from my heart and left it at his doorstep
Hoping one day he would walk out and not step over it,
but trip and fall on his face..
He finally tripped...
In an instant..He threw away all of his pride
Said the words I almost died to hear..
and I fell apart..
Let the world disappear as i knew it would
and ran into his arms..
I am sorry world.. for loving someone I cannot live without.
I am Complete.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Tired of falling and grasping for ground
Let go.. watch this crash
The silence is comforting.. It means no one is left crying
I place my finger over my lips..
Don't let yourself speak
Now is not the time
You are weak
You are so fragile
I steal away your eyes
Do not watch their tears
Do not see them cry
Close the door and cover your ears
Stare at these walls and wipe away your tears
I will be your greatest mistake
There is no question about this
Hurts to love me.. hurts to know
Rips me apart everytime you must go
(even when my car got stuck in the snow)
Take my last breath of the air you breath
Watch the love turn to insanity
It clings to my lungs and makes things wrong
I turn to Hush.. wasnt that our song
shhh... this is the end
Why do the tears set fire to my soul
Why have i been lifted to see what is Whole
to lie here shattered.. dropped from the heights of the stairway
Roll over and stare at the moon
I will remember our yesterday
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Because i need it?
No because He said to
He said.. You have emotional issues..
Then he left
I loved once
I loved with such intent that it actually hurt to love so much
at the end
I swore I stood up and picked up the pieces
I swore I was ready to love again
and I walked away from that spot..
but left something behind
Something I fear may never be a part of me again
Remember the magic of naivity
When you could almost hear santas reigndeer on christmas eve?
Remember when you stayed up so late trying to see the tooth fairy?
Remember how sure you were ther was a monster under your bed?
I lost my innocent heart
Put everything into an Idea.. closed my eyes and reached out for something that i believed so deeply existed..
All of my life
The minute he turned to me as he left.. and said.. Just remember.. I love you..
and I replied.. No Chris.. You dont.
My innocense was lost.. forever.
As much as I wanted to believe I COULd find that feeling again..
As much as I told myself... you tasted what You Can have
Will I love once again?
Will the emptiness shatter and bring back what i have lost?
I am done searching my soul
I have made peace within myself.. with God.
SO he has gifted me..
And i reach out and love as he would..
I give as he would..
Yet I hurt.. and hurt.. and hurt
Breaking those i love
Tearing them up inside
Trying to save the lost
Trying to open the eyes of the abandoned
That is why I have suffered
That is why I cannot fall
If your love is not whole in our God..
It will never feel whole inside me
That is why I cannot fall
Because he controls me
He will not let me leave my path
I am his.
There cannot be Light in the darkness.
There cannot be Love without God.
I am Light.
Are you Darkness?
Monday, November 27, 2006
Fragile.. sensitive to the world
Broken by the careless ones
So now i stand back behind the scenes..
Praying to hear it beat once again..Without me
Regretting the day I crossed this path
Motionless to its reaching out to me
Hiding from the lashings of a lover scorned
I cannot save you love
I cannot be what you are searching for
Not for You
Not for Me.
Like a winter wind passing on your warm cheek
I will live within the shadows
Hiding from what you see as life
Waiting to protect you from death
I will never falter from your need of me
But i will not stand in the way of this pain
I have taken your heart only to protect you
and left an emptiness instead
I have given you a love only to show you
and left a veil over your eyes
I have failed..
Im almost healing now.. its almost time
To take this world and make it mine
Ill be back for you.. as a friend
When you are ready to realize.. this is not the end
I promised forever.. I say what I mean
Into eternity i will carry this..
Into a fate that will go unseen
What has been Given to You
Has been Taken from me.
Please do not hate what I had to become
Do not blame what you are
I thought i could fix everything
I could not be the one
I thought i could give you your dreams
But it was not within me..
Giving in to you.. meant giving myself away
Id live for only your happiness..
But steal from me my yesterdays
Forgetting what it was i wanted
What My heart longed for
Where my soul longed to thrive
Neglecting what it is that calls to me
The touch that brings me to life
So here i am.. wishing away our pain
Letting go of the silence
It can never be the same
Conclusions are made
You have to see
I've Made the choice
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Piece by piece i discover my soul
Love by Love I put together
what was not created whole
Pushing through the embers
of hearts given and burned to ash
I search for the remnants of what was there
Building my future, with lessons of my past
I know what i am feeling
But have i become silent this time
Tired of speaking emotion
Tired of living through rhyme?
This gift is not mine
To do as i may
But to work for my god
and give it away
Every turn my life has taken
Woken from this worldly sleep
Alas my soul is Lit and waken
My lover walks away
Leaves the door open
Goodbye to a friend
I'd hate to pretend
So my heart was never truly broken
Just never really there
With every passing love
I placed within me, What i loved to share
KNowing and needing what it is i once had
to pull from the inside to make me feel
To go beyond what has been
understood as real
To lose my eyes and see the truth
That a heart cannot be shattered
if there is nothing there to lose
Born with nothing.. No heart to give
Build my Wholeness, as I live
So its never really love and loss
Behind the tears and pain
Im collecting ideas of being complete
It is simply Love and gain.
Monday, November 20, 2006
I wish i would have lost you
When i cry out at night to know you may be listening
I wish you were taken from this world
and searching the heavens for peace
Looking down on this dismal place
Looking down over me
I wish you didnt walk away
Healthy and strong
No sign of weakness aside from your love for me
You may have thought you were breaking
But you not once turned around
There.. is where the true boldness lies
That is what you have hidden inside
Pull me from the outside
Pull me from the outside
We used to laugh at the world
Pulling eachother close
Watching them pass by
Knowing if we could not fathom what we had
That it was beyond what anyone else would
we would do anything in our power we could
To stand outside
Now it is all left inside
Hidden on the inside
Save me from the outside
Save me from the outside
So here I lie.. Injuries left by you
My mind cant wander.. My heart So Gone
I no longer love you.. Because I no longer know how to
I wish you didnt make me think.. what is wrong with me
When there was really something wrong with you
I wish you didnt tell me.. You cannot handle all of this
You made me learn to love myself
To never Need anyone else
Not because that is whats in my heart
but because.. my mind has turned on
Thinking.. wondering.. Rationalizing
WHy have you cursed me with doubt
Why do i ask myself.. can i live without
My soul has abandoned me..
It wanted so much more
Willing to risk everything
To have you walk through that door
Now the words.. they scare me
Now the touch.. I fear to remember
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to hide
Id rather be sitting above you.. crying at your grave
Then looking back at you.. walking away
There is too much left to bury
So I cannot lay your soul to sleep
I cannot speak your name
I have died and nothing left to keep
My heart will never love the same
Broken on the inside
Nothing inside me left to hide...
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Fingers crossed.. eyes open wide
Walking waiting living dying
Seeing your shadow
Run into hiding
Just cant stop my eyes from crying
Nothing dies that knows not living
Nothing takes that has not given
No one wakes before they sleep
No one gives away what they cannot keep
Pictures hanging on the wall of my heart
Cherishing a love that seems so far
Waiting living Dying Walking
I see the words.. when no ones talking
Somewhere isnt where we want to go
Something isnt what we want to know
Sometimes we cant give our all
Sometimes its too damn hard to fall
Songs are playing in the depth of my soul
I can hear yours. can you hear mine too
Living Dying Walking Waiting
I see your mind crashing.. Contemplating
Tomorrow should not be what we know
Yesterday should not be where we wish to go
Today is time to Live and Exist
Today you need to take hold of this
Words are whispering through my mind
This is what i long for but it is not time
Dying Walking Waiting Living
I have nothing left that i have not been Giving
Could this be it, the way things will be?
Have I something left inside which only you can see?
This Life has given us such limited time
Walking waiting living and dying
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I am destined to cry
This is my fate
Where is the love
I pull up my gloves
My eyeliner withstands my tears
without a smudge
My hair is so black
What do you think of that?
Over my eye
So you cant see me cry
No one loves me
Im pretending to shy
this is what i must be
Its not gay to kiss a guy
Take my picture
Hold on let me look sad
Ill look up from down here
I have to comply to this fad
Hold the camera high
I look like im about to cry
Goodbye Im sorry
I made your life so bad
When im gone will you think about
all the lonely times you had?
No one wants to be my friend
They called me an Emo
and stole my new pen
Life isnt fair
Does Anybody Care
I dont understand
I have such cool hair
Im going to end it all
They didnt invite me to the mall
Blood on my wall
Im going to do it this time
Im so alone this world is so cold
Im trying pathetically to rhyme
Im too pretty to die old!
Relentless to Linger
Release to be found
Resenting the past
When no one's around
I feel fire
Our souls intertwine
You lift me high
upon your shoulder
As you bow
To glorify your love
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch.. what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
I am breaking free from the silence once again
Push you down and run for cover
Your life is Under siege
All your fires are blazing to Destroy me
Im not lingering in this place
There is so much more
left to erase
I gain no control in falling from your grace
But im content to release what I can't replace
I cannot fight this battle from the floor
Your mind cant make up..
who you are anymore
Like a magnet you attract your opposite
Trying to steal what it is You cannot possess
You tear them apart at will
I am so fucking sick of this
I wont be your reason to regret
There is so much left I need to forget
I have stolen a higher place
Fought my way to get away from you
From here I no longer see your face
From here I can ignore.. what I cannot undo
Dont allow me to become what you hate
Do not let me get in the way of your fate
So you do not believe in destiny
I forbid you to dream of holding onto me
You can no longer live here in my mind
Your days are spent
You are out of time
Travel on from my memory
Unspeak the words that have been unkind to me
Take your ticket and walk away
Before I leave you with all hells ransom left to pay
Call me? Ok?
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Erasure is mine.. I love to pretend
To laugh in your face.. to smile in the end
I turn and walk away quick to wipe my eyes
My hair pulled down around my face
This is where the sadness hides
Never to cut a lock again
The promise to him was released
Leaving a blade to my skin
Secrets have become my only truth
My past an annoyance to your thoughts
You try to forgive me for sins i have never commited against you
You try so hard to close your eyes and just Feel
Driving a hate for where I have been
Have you forgotten what you can never know?
Who I bled for..
Who I screamed out for to shatter the silence
Have you created a comfort through disbelief
Why is it so hard to see I walk alone
How can you not see no one has chased me into your arms
That I am not bound by what was
That I am not held by a chance
What was so beautiful to you before
Has become unkindly at second glance
You pressed against my lips
Hoping to steal away my life
The place i hid before i came across your sight
The fury inside you
Careful to disguise your own faults
While i stand here open to your desires
Open to all around and you still fight
You chase me through the essence
Embers cast upon your soul
Shadows created with each passing candlelight
Whispering voices silenced by my presence
"What will she do this time?"
The Gaurdians of my fate.. watching with such intent
Watching me spin around you
Watching.. as I make you fall
Oh such beauty.. making you feel
I laugh as you lie there
Unsure of what i have become
I watch as you look up to me
Refusing to allow you to capture my gaze
You are not able to stand..
Your body has become weak
You pray that god is here with you
Somewhere in the shadows
Watching over you
Unsure of what you have fallen into
I kneel beside you
I'll set this glow of light at your side
Bend to whisper into you...
"What are you afraid of?"
"Dare you not speak.. if it not be truth"
You gasp for your voice.. encased in my spell
Forced to search within yourself for a part of what you hide
"Im waiting love..."
I watch you with intent.. for I know what it is you wish to say
I stand and walk around you.. tracing my fingers along the walls
Watching your eyes follow me..
Your lips quiver..
Your anger at me.. that i have brought you to this prison
But know you not.. you have brought me here to you.
This is Your place of refuge
I am here to free you from it all
You called for me.. prayed god be with you
Suddenly you find.. this is your world.. not mine
"If words be yours.. let them make sound"
I watch you cry at the reality you have found
Fighting inside myself to not run to your side
Keeping the distance to make you reach out
"If you ever be in need, I promised i would come"
This time you needn't know you did not have to ask
To be SENT the Fallen One
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Dont pretend to miss me
and I will try not to falter back into your arms
Those days are gone
For the reach of a hand
The welcoming of a kiss..
The linger of a glance
So throw this into the wind
Let us act like it was Nothing
Sitting across from you..
like a ghost to your mind
A tear falls from my eye
you dare not notice
For what would become of you if you walked down from your ivory fortress?
If you were vulnerable to my needs
Im no longer there.. feel free to roam
Im no longer waging wars against your kindom you have so cleverly contained
Freedom is yours
I should not sleep alone
I should not cry when your in the next room
I should not wonder If.. you will ever look for me
I knew the moment i walked away
I would be walking alone
I will imagine I will be ok
I will not go on loving you
I will not look back and cry
I watched what was.. fall apart
I never watched something so long
I never waited for such changes
I never took so much of the Little
Imagining they were something to hold onto
I could not help but believe there was a someday
I could not help but dream you would find what it was you searched for.. In me
Im awake now
No longer dreaming
Logging this sleep into my journal and searching again in the wakened form
You should not long more for sleep than you do to waken and Love
I have no evidence to hold you to
You left a clean trail in my heart
Clever to not say you loved me
Too strong to ever show you cared
So i take out my words
Lay them down
Weighing on my mind.. what have i known?
When we ask ourselves in the end
What could i have done
It does not matter this time
I know i have made the sketch
Scribbling it out in black and white
Only waiting for you to grab a brush and paint one tiny piece
But you look at it and say
It looks good this way
Its not enough my love
Its not what it is supposed to become
There is so much more you do not wish to see
You are content with simplicity
Where I see a hand held as Love
You see an effort not worth making
Where i see a body to pull in warmth
You see an invasion
No more battles love.. No more
Thank you for your time.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
A moment to think
An hour to laugh
One last time
Take me by the hand
A distance to reach
A mile to think
Im listening for your answer
Watching for you to turn on the light
A handful of hopes
A pocket full of holes
Can you remember to not let go
To never set this down
The stars are hanging low
Lower than before
They are shining in your eyes
My soul reaches out to wish upon them
A lifetime to wait..
Its really not that long
Can you see the end from here?
Can your faith prevail?
One Chance.. You knew would come
One Love.. You'd hoped exist
One Breath.. Could it be your last?
One true Question.. What now?
Your whisper sent so far
Captured in the WInd
Lies now in my heart
"Excuse me does this belong to you?"
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Thee_Goddess: hello matthew
matthew mark: hello Katie
Thee_Goddess: with the infamous opening "."
matthew mark: you like that ?
Thee_Goddess: it is definately unique
Thee_Goddess: as opposed to the usual ...
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: Jesus is also unique
matthew mark: he comes to us in a whisper
matthew mark: His love takes us by surprise
matthew mark: He is never loud an obnoxious
matthew mark: how is your lifes journey going ?
Thee_Goddess: i am not sure.. the past few days i have felt emptiness
matthew mark: may I ask why ?
Thee_Goddess: not happy not sad.. just empty
Thee_Goddess: i do not know why
matthew mark: have you searched within to find the answer ?
Thee_Goddess: i dont think i want to know what i would find
Thee_Goddess: so.. no
Thee_Goddess: i havent
matthew mark: oh but God does not want us to feel empty
matthew mark: He wants our cup to always be full
Thee_Goddess: i know what he wants and i know how i feel
Thee_Goddess: im ashamed because i cannot control it
matthew mark: dont be ashamed
Thee_Goddess: i feel like pushing the world away and hiding
matthew mark: I understand what you are saying
matthew mark: and so does the Lord
matthew mark: being human is dealing with alot of emotions
Thee_Goddess: yes, that is very true
matthew mark: I am not here but for a moment
Thee_Goddess: sometimes it feels like i am on a treadmill running and getting nowhere
matthew mark: to reach out to you
matthew mark: let me ask you a question
matthew mark: when you feel this way, do you reach out for help or try to take it on by yourself ?
Thee_Goddess: well.. 99% of the time i have taken it on alone.. Only Once did i reach out for help.. when my ex fiance abandoned me. he killed me inside.. I knew if i didnt reach out.. i may lead myself to death
matthew mark: let me share something with you
matthew mark: when Jesus died on the cross, did you know that his suffering was more than any man ever could bare ?
matthew mark: He was all alone
matthew mark: not a soul did care for Him
matthew mark: but
Thee_Goddess: i dont believe no one cared forhim
Thee_Goddess: his folowers.. his mother
Thee_Goddess: they were pained
matthew mark: they all forsake Him
matthew mark: thats not saying they didnt love Him
matthew mark: but they forsake Him
matthew mark: He was all alone that day
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: Your name was mentioned
matthew mark: He did it all because He had you on his mind
matthew mark: not just all the world but YOU
matthew mark: His suffering was because of His great love
matthew mark: whats your purpose Katie?
matthew mark: to suffer ?
matthew mark: no
Thee_Goddess: to spread love
Thee_Goddess: his love
matthew mark: OH, I love you so
matthew mark: you bring tears to my eyes
Thee_Goddess: and you to mine
matthew mark: you have a gift
matthew mark: your gift is your love
Thee_Goddess: ..it is.
matthew mark: handed to you by Jesus
matthew mark: take good care of it
Thee_Goddess: of course i will.. i do not want it taken away
matthew mark: for without your spreading your love this world would be so empty
Thee_Goddess: you think so?
matthew mark: I am indeed so impressed by your words
Thee_Goddess: i can only touch so many
matthew mark: but thats the key
matthew mark: you can only touch so many
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: it spreads
matthew mark: like wildfire
Thee_Goddess: like a ripple in the water
matthew mark: OH katie
Thee_Goddess: me being the drop
matthew mark: you say it with such feeling
matthew mark: My heart is so overjoyed with your presence
Thee_Goddess: i am glad someone enjoys me in my times ofhiding
Thee_Goddess: but i could not hide from you
matthew mark: dont hide
matthew mark: let your light so shine
matthew mark: I wish all that I talked to would knew this love that you have
matthew mark: its amazing
Thee_Goddess: they only need to open their hearts messenger because i would freely share it
matthew mark: people have hard hearts
matthew mark: they want many things
Thee_Goddess: true.. i have met many.. but have softened it through time
matthew mark: thats what its all about
matthew mark: softening hearts
Thee_Goddess: they see me as real.. then when they get to know me .. they see the unreal and begin to believe.. there Is more
Thee_Goddess: i am so thankful for each person i have touched
matthew mark: when Jesus died for you and you received Him, was your heart softened ?
Thee_Goddess: i cried in the presence of many and they cried with me
matthew mark: HIs love was like a warm blanket on a fridget night
matthew mark: yes, Jesus brings us to tears for His love is like no others
Thee_Goddess: it took away all my doubts
Thee_Goddess: all my failure
Thee_Goddess: became just part of my path
Thee_Goddess: the weakening and strengthening of my soul
Thee_Goddess: pain.. to know life
matthew mark: please
matthew mark: dont feel emty
matthew mark: stay the course
matthew mark: keep the faith
matthew mark: call out to Him
Thee_Goddess: it hurts
matthew mark: He does not want you to feel this emptiness
Thee_Goddess: i know what he wants
matthew mark: always reach to Him
Thee_Goddess: how can i question that
Thee_Goddess: how cn i feel proud of this feeling
matthew mark: you know
matthew mark: the answers are within
matthew mark: I must leave you for now
Thee_Goddess: =matthew mark: but I am so glad you shared yourself with me today
matthew mark: its always a pleasure when the Lord sends me your way
matthew mark: dont let your eartly emotions destroy your heavenly heart
Thee_Goddess: i will get through
matthew mark: I know
matthew mark: God bless you Katie, you are an inspiration
Thee_Goddess: Thank you Matthew
Thee_Goddess: you should listen to rescue by Desperation Band
Thee_Goddess: It just came to me
Thee_Goddess: I have to listen to it now
Thee_Goddess: it helps heal my soul
Thee_Goddess: do you have it messenger?>
Thee_Goddess: I will share it
Thee_Goddess: I need to share it
matthew mark: we all need things that help us thru
matthew mark: yes, please share it
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: I must leave for now, I hope your glass fills to the rim so there is no room for emptiness
You have sent 1 file to matthew mark.
Desperation Band - Rescue.mp3
matthew mark: THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING WITH ME
Thee_Goddess: My pleasure.. i hope you find what i found inside listening
Thee_Goddess: Take Care
matthew mark: You also take care
matthew mark: I LOVE YOU KATIE
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Thee_Goddess: hello messenger
matthew mark: hello Goddess
matthew mark: or should I say Katie
Thee_Goddess: yes you may
matthew mark: you are too kind
Thee_Goddess: i am myself
matthew mark: how's lifes traveles been going ?
Thee_Goddess: today has been hectic as usual.. but i found time to write about love and healing.. and capturing lifes moments
matthew mark: so good of you to do that
matthew mark: I have a message for you today
Thee_Goddess: thats was my hopes
matthew mark: again you are so kind and willing to listen
matthew mark: my message you know
matthew mark: be careful for in the midst of the sheep there are wolves
matthew mark: there are those who love you to the utmost
Thee_Goddess: it is so hard to be careful.. on this path messenger
matthew mark: but there are those who seek your destruction
matthew mark: dont walk the path alone
Thee_Goddess: i have felt this.. they wish to destroy what is good and of god
matthew mark: yes
Thee_Goddess: but there is no one to aalk with me messenger
matthew mark: let their purpose be known to you
matthew mark: oh but there is one who wants to walk with you
matthew mark: let not your heart be troubled
matthew mark: there is one that has walked the path before you
Thee_Goddess: yes im sure
matthew mark: and they are making it clear for you to enter
Thee_Goddess: well there is one out there
Thee_Goddess: you have spoke to him
Thee_Goddess: he is of such goodness
Thee_Goddess: i imagine walking the path with him some day
Thee_Goddess: and it being so bright
Thee_Goddess: bringing great things to all we pass
matthew mark: that is so good to hear
matthew mark: I know you will make good decisions along the way
matthew mark: dont let anyone tear you down
matthew mark: for they are from the evil one
Thee_Goddess: my heart is good messenger.. but naive
matthew mark: I can feel that your heart is good
matthew mark: thats why I am led to you
Thee_Goddess: always curious as to how you were led to me
matthew mark: oh but you know the answer to that
matthew mark: many I speak to thru the days
matthew mark: many turn away and curse God
matthew mark: but not you
matthew mark: you stand firm
matthew mark: you say it in your words and your heart
matthew mark: I am here for only a moment
matthew mark: I give you encouragement as you give me
Thee_Goddess: a moment can last forever messenger
matthew mark: how beautifully said
matthew mark: your heart has meant so much
Thee_Goddess: surely it should mean so much more throughout my days here on earth
matthew mark: I wanted to hear that
matthew mark: thankyou for those words
Thee_Goddess: you are welcome messenger, i am glad i can bring you some peace
Thee_Goddess: as you do me
matthew mark: I have peace but you make it stronger
Thee_Goddess: that is what i meant =)
matthew mark: one more thing before i go
matthew mark: LOVE
Thee_Goddess: i love every day messenger
Thee_Goddess: to some xtents this world percieve as wrongThee_Goddess: but they do not understand my intentions
Thee_Goddess: it is ok
matthew mark: they know not the love that we speak of
Thee_Goddess: so true
Thee_Goddess: So True!
matthew mark: God bless you Katie
matthew mark: keep the faith
Thee_Goddess: God bless You matthew Mark
Thee_Goddess: it is not going anywhere
Thee_Goddess: you can trust in that
matthew mark: i know
matthew mark: till next time
Thee_Goddess: =) until then
would it make a difference anyway
I would throw myself before you
Only to watch you step over me
I only wanted to try
To hold you one last time
It does not matter
You have managed to get over me..
Am i pretending i am broken now?
Can my tears ever really bring back what i miss
If i dont miss you.. then it is how you made me feel
Thats ok.. I can feel this way again
Ive discovered you through this smoke filled room
Alone.. only dressing you up to what i want you to be in my mind
You never walk in with that daisy i see you holding
You never kiss me intently before you leave
You never hold onto my hand just that moment longer
I have made you so wonderful here.. Waiting for you
In my imagination You are everything
I lie here patiently waiting for who you could be
I lie here beside who you really now.. Waiting
You cannot break promises you refuse to make
Guess thats just your way
You never say what you do not mean
I guess its better you dont lie to us both
So i found you in the warmth
Stand here with you in this cold
Time has passed so quickly
I try to not remember before you
It pains me how you miss what you once had
How i cannot hold a candle to what made you feel
That your emotions have been stolen
Bottled up on a shelf.. aging for taste i suppose
Perhaps one day you will invite me over for a glass
Maybe one day we will sit across from one another and smile
BounD and BrokeN...
FalLeN and ConTenT...
I have no power here..
You have handed me your simplicities
and i complicate them with insanity
Reaching for the hour glass.. trying to turn it on its side only to preserve a moment..
I shatter it upon the floor and watch the sands fall around me
Clumsily I wonder what will become of my past
Now where will time go.. where will the moments be captured?
Released what was not to be free
Freed.. what was not to be unconfined
So we watch grasping into the air as the memories pass by
Trying to collect what is left of who we were
Holding them tight against our chest as we try to take
them back into ourselves one by one
Have we time to be picky?
To decide what will be saved and what shall be lost?
Imagine the mess created in the simple mistake
What all will be lost if we so choose to let the anger pass us by?
Who will we become if the heartache is ignored?
What will be left if the tears were all erased?
If it does not hurt any longer.. was it really pain at all?
If you can take it in and breath at the same time..
WHat had left you near death.. Brought you closer to life
Would you try harder to not walk away
KNowing what it has made of you
So many nights.. i hear the cries, they are no longer my own
But i have sat in that solitude
I have CRied out to no one
Perhaps you had heard me from afar
But those days are gone.. for now
Pushing myself to the brink of losing it all
Finding myself lying on the floor
seperated from reality
Watching the world laugh at me
watching them cry
Questioning the breakdown of such beauty
Asking how can this be fair..
Such goodness.. wasted
But have I been a waste all along?
Has my suffering been in vain?
To no end.. leaving no reward
I see you
Looking at me now
You think this is what people Should be
You think great hearts like this are one in a million
So this time you can hear the truth
This time you are not alone
Suffered for this fate to understand.. where You are now
Pained for the ability to hold you.. to speak with a heart strengthened by blindness
Blind to what may come
Blind to what result may be perceived in time
There is no need to look further than this day
There is nothing gained in ending what you have in your own mind
Loss is not where the real failure begins
It is where we have not lived in the moment
Where we did not stop to feel
To capture the sweet essence within ourselves
Where the hour glass cannot even recreate what existed
Stop yourself today..
There is something you are missing..
Something you may no longer see that exists so gently in your day
Reach out and find it..
Hold onto it..
Capture your moments while they are still here
Friday, October 27, 2006
You say you wont be there.
And youre always there.
Every time I cry your name at night,
You pull close and say its alright.
I look in your eyes,
just like the rain.
Washing me, rain wash over me.
Touching your face, I feel the heat
Of your heartbeat echo in my head like a scream.
What you do to me!
Waited so long I cant wait another day without you.
Its a long way, home
I see her face everywhere, cant get her out of my mind.
Whenever Im alone Im thinking,
Theres a part missing from my life.
Wonder where Id be without your love
Holding me together now im
Watching the time tick, tick away.
Face grows longer every day.
Fortunes are lost on the women Ive seen
But without you I cant breathe!
Youre the air to me!
Waited so long, Im all alone thinking about you.
Just a thousand miles and Ill be there
to make the clouds go away.
Time for some blue sky!
Waited so long now the planes delayed
An hour, reminds me of all our days apart.
Hold on, just a little longer.
Wonder where Id be, youre the air to me.
Eyes like the rain, rain down on me.
No more nights alone Im almost home now.
Close my eyes, Im there
Jet City Woman- Lyrics
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
matthew mark: hello Goddess
matthew mark: hows lifes journey going today ?
Thee_Goddess: i feel numb today messenger
matthew mark: sorry
Thee_Goddess: it is ok, it is my bodies way of winding down.. catching up with being hectic for the day so far
matthew mark: I understand
matthew mark: I am not here for long
matthew mark: just wanted you to know that someone spoke to me a few minutes ago about you
Thee_Goddess: sorry to hear that =Thee_Goddess: oh yeah?
Thee_Goddess: i hope it does not bother you
Thee_Goddess: but quite a few people may be coming to you
matthew mark: not at all
Thee_Goddess: hopefully with good intent
Thee_Goddess: i did not think you would mind
matthew mark: this person speaks very highly of you
Thee_Goddess: i am honored
matthew mark: I feel that this person in someway finds a special kind of love for you
matthew mark: its good to see that people love one another
Thee_Goddess: love is in abundance in my life i am greatful
Thee_Goddess: it is
matthew mark: its very rare in these days
Thee_Goddess: yes, it is
matthew mark: seems like the only love people have is either for money or sex
Thee_Goddess: true, but i am a firm believer that we may be out numbered but there are we few who have learned to love unconditionally, and it is blissful when we run into one anothers lives
Thee_Goddess: refreshing so to speak
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: it was very good for me to see this today
matthew mark: most people want to speak only of themselves
Thee_Goddess: i am glad.. im sure it was refreshing as well
matthew mark: very refreshing
Thee_Goddess: true.. but its not so bad, sometimes they feel they need to pour out to us
Thee_Goddess: its our job to absorb
matthew mark: you are so good
matthew mark: your love seems pure and honest
Thee_Goddess: my name... stands for purity and innocense
Thee_Goddess: go figure
matthew mark: I know this
matthew mark: I speak to many every day
matthew mark: but none has commended anyone like this person did you today
matthew mark: it brought joy to my heart
Thee_Goddess: i do not deserve that
Thee_Goddess: for merely being who i am
matthew mark: tears are in my eyes
Thee_Goddess: overwhelmed with joy i am sure
matthew mark: very much so
Thee_Goddess: i know the feeling
Thee_Goddess: hold onto it and use it for something spectacular
Thee_Goddess: write about it
Thee_Goddess: capture its essence
matthew mark: thats what you are about
matthew mark: speak of Jesus when you write for it is all about His love
matthew mark: God bless you Goddess
Thee_Goddess: you may call me Katie.. Catherine if you would like
matthew mark: I knew this
matthew mark: and thankyou
Thee_Goddess: you are welcome
matthew mark: have a wonderful day Katie for you are so loved
Thee_Goddess: thank you messenger... I hope your day is just as blessed as we truly are.. i hope you feel this
matthew mark: I definately do today
matthew mark: Thanks so much
Thee_Goddess: Thank you
Thee_Goddess: Messenger.. we are getting stronger.. god is with us
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Thee_Goddess: im here
matthew mark: so good to see you again
matthew mark: didnt think it would be so soon
matthew mark: been very busy here
Thee_Goddess: no, i did not either
Thee_Goddess: im glad you find people to listen
matthew mark: finding people to listen is not easy
Thee_Goddess: i understand
Thee_Goddess: i know we have rea
d a few since last night
matthew mark: wonderful
Thee_Goddess: but many question our validity
Thee_Goddess: which i guess is good still because they do not dismiss the possibility
matthew mark: many do but we know the truth
matthew mark: I am here to speak to you for a reason today
Thee_Goddess: thank god
matthew mark: a message especially for you
Thee_Goddess: i am excited
matthew mark: you had questions about being an angel
Thee_Goddess: i question the validity of what others think of me
matthew mark: please do not worry about what others think
Thee_Goddess: i do not worry 90% of the time
matthew mark: you were put on this earth for a reason
matthew mark: I am not at liberty to say whether or not you are an angel
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: I am at liberty to tell you that you have an obligation
matthew mark: #1 to your children
matthew mark: #2 to your family
matthew mark: #3 to your friends
matthew mark: #4 to the world
matthew mark: LOVE THEM
matthew mark: Jesus died for the world because of LOVE
Thee_Goddess: yes.. i know... through him i can taste just a small amount of his love that i have felt was my immense love for another
matthew mark: you say it so well
matthew mark: I have spoken to others that know you
Thee_Goddess: god has gifted me with words messenger
Thee_Goddess: yes i know.. they are curious
matthew mark: they are because of you
Thee_Goddess: and skeptical.. but i believe their curiousity is a step in the right direction
Thee_Goddess: yes... i absolutely get that
matthew mark: dont give up on them
Thee_Goddess: i wont.. i am relentless
Thee_Goddess: i know that my mere presence is their open door
matthew mark: thats what I like to hear
Thee_Goddess: and i wont push them through
Thee_Goddess: but leave it open for when they are ready to enter
Thee_Goddess: they know its open
matthew mark: no dont push, Jesus waits at the door and knocks, its up to them to open the door
Thee_Goddess: Amen to that.. which is my approach
Thee_Goddess: just being there when it is time for them
matthew mark: yes, please be there
matthew mark: dont push anyone away
matthew mark: but also be careful
Thee_Goddess: my ex husband did not understand my love for people
Thee_Goddess: my genuine love
Thee_Goddess: how am i to be careful
Thee_Goddess: many have told me that as well
matthew mark: because ther are those who will try to get to you through this approach that you have
matthew mark: for their own gain
matthew mark: for sexual desire
Thee_Goddess: yes.. it has happened
Thee_Goddess: =matthew mark: stay pure for the Lord
matthew mark: I know this
matthew mark: and then there are those that you push away because of your own fears
Thee_Goddess: what are my fears? Dying without finding my great love?matthew mark: you answered your question with a question
Thee_Goddess: i do not know if i have more
matthew mark: what are you afraid of
Thee_Goddess: aside from... not earning my place in heaven
matthew mark: you cannot earn your place in heaven
matthew mark: when a person accepts Jesus, their place is given to them
Thee_Goddess: true i can love jesus.. but sexually i am weak... i am i know this.. i love too much and i want so badly to be one with my lover
matthew mark: patience my dear
Thee_Goddess: one of my greatest virtues
matthew mark: you have had so much love given to you and you seem to turn some away
Thee_Goddess: you know.. you are right
matthew mark: dont think of love and sex in the same sentence
matthew mark: when you turn away from someone that truely loves you then you become vulnerable
Thee_Goddess: but how can i love them when i feel my love is being taken wrongly
Thee_Goddess: being taken as... a relationship beyond friends
matthew mark: you have to distinguish the truth behind a persons love
matthew mark: love is to never be taken for granted
matthew mark: from no one
Thee_Goddess: =\ i am guilty.. i will take that to heart
matthew mark: I have seen people pushed away and let out in the cold that has truely loved
Thee_Goddess: i have been a victim of that also matthew
matthew mark: by those who say they love in return
Thee_Goddess: i know the pain
matthew mark: dont take anyones love for granted
matthew mark: they hurt also
Thee_Goddess: do you think i should make ammends?
Thee_Goddess: to those i know i have done this to?
matthew mark: you know the answer to that
Thee_Goddess: i do
Thee_Goddess: it has been bothering me
Thee_Goddess: i have thought bout making a call
matthew mark: let me share something with you
Thee_Goddess: please do
matthew mark: a man loved someone so much that he was willing to die for this person
matthew mark: the person took his love for granted and brushed it aside
matthew mark: then when this person realized that no one loved them like this person
matthew mark: it was too late for the person who loved passed away
matthew mark: dont let love be destroyed for any purpose
matthew mark: only you will be the one that losesmatthew mark: stand firm my friend on all that is true
matthew mark: never take what you yourself cannot give
matthew mark: God gives us everyday, lets not waste it
Thee_Goddess: i do not think i can handle being loved so much
matthew mark: yes you can, because you have already been loved so overwhelmingly
Thee_Goddess: it gives me strength to love others
matthew mark: that is the greatest thing I have heard yet today
matthew mark: my message is delivered and you my dear friend are special
matthew mark: I must leave
Thee_Goddess: until next time messenger...
matthew mark: You are a perfect listener
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: God bless
Monday, October 23, 2006
He returned to me again today!
matthew mark: .
matthew mark: hello Goddess
Thee_Goddess: Hello messenger
Thee_Goddess: i have been helping you spread the meaage
Thee_Goddess: for the first time i told a dear friend what god thinks of him
matthew mark: great, I need so much help
Thee_Goddess: well you have it hear friend
matthew mark: its hard to find someone that loves talking about the saviour
Thee_Goddess: sometimes we r afraid.. of rejection
Thee_Goddess: but i have the lord who will not reject me
Thee_Goddess: so i will reach out for him
matthew mark: thats so wonderful to hear you say that
Thee_Goddess: can i help you today messenger?
matthew mark: please
Thee_Goddess: what can i help you with?
matthew mark: I need you to share the Lords love to everyone you know
matthew mark: give that special love to your children
Thee_Goddess: you know matthew, i lead an open modest life
Thee_Goddess: many people who come into my life claim me to be an angel
matthew mark: and what do you say ?
Thee_Goddess: and i tell them, im just working for god
matthew mark: do you know what an angel is ?
Thee_Goddess: he has given me the gift to have people open up to me very quickly
Thee_Goddess: no i do not
matthew mark: an angel is a messenger
matthew mark: from heaven
matthew mark: to let people know about Jesus
matthew mark: a messenger came to mary to tell her that she would give birth to the saviour
Thee_Goddess: i have been sharing messages lately
Thee_Goddess: overwhelming to me
matthew mark: wonderful
Thee_Goddess: that i Had to tell the person
matthew mark: I see a love that comes from you
matthew mark: share it with the world because it can only come from Jesus
Thee_Goddess: i know this
Thee_Goddess: i want to love like him
matthew mark: thats great news
matthew mark: He needs you to let Him know this
Thee_Goddess: i do not know how to let him know messenger
Thee_Goddess: me and my children almost got sideswiped by a big truck today
Thee_Goddess: out of nowhere
Thee_Goddess: and i said outloud Thank you God for wathing over me
matthew mark: He loves you so much
matthew mark: He heard your cry
matthew mark: I must leave at this moment for my time is short
Thee_Goddess: I was not scared.. only Spoke out.. Thank you god
Thee_Goddess: until next time
matthew mark: God bless you Goddess
Thee_Goddess: message anytime
So as he wished.. I am telling each of you this day.. God loves you.. like a father.. through right and wrong.. he is Always there waitingfor you to come Home.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Leaning on its lesson
Learning from its existance
I could have been giving in
Instead i was looking away
past what i wanted to see
What stands before me
from where i return to you
Searching for what you already have
forgotten where you misplaced it
did you even know it was there?
Place in me a forbidden dream
Breath into me unspoken words
Walking into your room
leaving my coat at the door
Leaving everything behind
to stand there unprotected in your eyes
and yet you still bind me
My words.. my weapons
You do not wish me to speak
to wage this war upon your soul
So i wait.. surely you will let curiosity get the best of you
Surely you will wonder what it is i was sent here to say
You hate me because You love me
Because you view your emotions as a weakness
You think they make you vulnerable
So you have hidden them from the world
Perhaps i am dillusional
BUt that look in your eyes was not lust my friend
That look was a hunger
One you have supressed for too long
You are dying to be alive
Denying the one thing you crave
You are searching to face the pain of death
before you face the one you have fallen for
You desire to run from me
To stop what you know has begun
But you thirst for just this taste
Know you not this sip is poison
That you will not escape its effect
It will take you.. and place me within your soul
I am here already my love...
Won't you invite me in?
You have spoken your Aversion
But I have seen your hands tremble with my touch
expressed your concerns..
after breathing in my kiss
i thought you could not see me
Now i know you can
Pacing on the floor
touching your hand to your mouth
Remembering what it was that ran through you when our lips would touch
You want it.. don't you?
You want to be where you once were..
Where i lay over you and disolve your every doubt
In that moment you know where you belong
When the world would vanish and only we would appear
You walk over to me.. place your hand in my hair..
you try to ignore the tears in my eyes
For surely it cannot be real
but they are..
and it drains you...
because you do not want to believe
what your heart tells you is true
Some things we cannot conceive
Some things are better left unsaid
You kneel before me.. and lay your head on my legs
You can feel i tremble to touch you
I can feel you trembling too
Fighting for your composure
Scrambling to rebuild your walls
Just let it fall love..
Let it fall
I am not here to abandon you
I am here..
Declaring my defeat
Waiting for you to lie with me
Defeated and in love
The only war..
Only one person can fight
but two people can conquer.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Holding onto me as I live
Standing behind me as I try to hide
Lying beside me as I cry myself to sleep
He knows I am hurting..
when I have no tears in the daylight
He see's me bleeding in the night
Waiting for the answers
Hold me sweet angel
So have you come for me this time?
Come to take me away?
Is it my time to walk with you
To see you
Is it time to release this breath
To hold onto your mighty wings as you pull me away
Never looking back
Releasing all the darkness
Freeing me from my mistakes
Is it time to Live with your guidance?
Thrive within the passion you have for me
This lonely mortal
My how times have changed
How I once flew with you
How we laughed in the rain
Danced in the wind
I fell away from you
I chose this angry form
This form of mortal passions
So now i am caught here between heaven and hell
Knowing not how to return to the place i once fell
I just wanted to live
Just this once
Just for this time
I wanted to hold him
I could no longer watch..
I had to be there.. where he could see me
Where he could Love me
Nothing else mattered
No risk was too eminent
No sacrifice gone modest or humble
I would be his.. and he in turn would live for me
The nights we watched the stars
Feeling blessed to have this one chance
turned to watching the skies alone
feeling cursed for having it taken away
Im tired sweet one
Im so tired
This is no longer my home
These are no longer my eyes
They are distant..
this heart is so frail
I cannot exist here like this
This is not what i came to hold
No heart could beat stronger
Id run through demons to find its source
No touch could ever bring that last touch back
My ears could touch a thousand words
and not one could replace his whisper
My eyes could touch a thousand faces
still.. not one could replace his fire
Smoldering inside this soul
Nothing left to rekindle
Sunday, October 15, 2006
She thought for sure by now he'd have spoken
Said the words
Said something... anything
"Sometimes I feel like you do not want me around"
"Like your just waiting for a reason to go"
She adores him..
She has spoken when only god seems to listen
When he is right there in her arms.. breathing.. waiting
She wakes to hold on to what is left
before the day she wakes to it no longer being there
I am not ready to be here..
I am not ready to hear what you have to say..
If it is no words you are speaking.. then surely your eyes have become loud in my presence
Your words are hidden by what my mind cannot fathom
My heart is stolen by the unknown..
running into myself everywhere i turn
Have i taken the time to face what I am inside?
Do the mirrors draw a fear that i cannot commit away from?
Told to face the unknown.. preparing for truth
Disinfecting what has been perceived only in ones mind
Mumbling in my sleep from that in which haunts me
You listen closely
Trying to find a clue
When I kneel before you confessing by day
You try to read between my lines..
but they are well defined
There is nothing to find
This is what I am
Before you is where I desire to fall
You reach out to touch my face
Hoping to feel anything other than nothing
What is it you have left to feel?
Is there anything that remains within you to give?
You fear my freedom.. my spirit that flies with fiery eyes
You fear you have been captured..
But there is no one here guarding you
You are free to go.. you need only stand and push away the door
from the lock that was never there
You can fly with me... if you want to
We can capture tiny moments in a jar
SHake them to watch them glow again
You can go your own way.. I will be going mine
I am sure our paths will cross more than you know
BUt surely there is no path to follow
Would you rather wander in the wilderness alone..
Unknown as to if you will ever find life again
The mere chance of finding a reason to smile
Yet you smile with me.. as your heart contemplates which way you will turn
With me.. you laugh.. as your soul hesitates being consumed
Without me you wonder if That was your chance
Without me you have not jumped.. but fallen
Which way do you wish to go?
Id surrender to be your guiding light
Will you shine for me in turn?
If we are meant to reach that same destination
Let us not fear where it is that has been chosen for us
Let us not fear...Together
Dedicated to he.. whom holds my heart delicately in his hand.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Maybe the truth is.. you are not looking back
That your best is yet to come
That I am no longer in your dreams
You had imagined me saying goodbye in yesterday
You have let this wind take you away
Maybe this was not a mistake afterall
Maybe you will be alright
Maybe the worst is you feel no pain
Maybe the truth is.. it doesnt matter anyway
That i can never be your best friend
That you could simply walk away
You have picked up all your things
You have taken back your keys
Maybe your taken back for a moment
Maybe there is nothing left to take
Maybe the worst is we are moving on
Maybe the truth is.. we are already gone
That you do not want forever
That i will not settle for right now
We are stuck here cleaning the mess I have made
We are battling truth in every way
Maybe you are just being kind
Maybe I am still being blind
Maybe the worst is i am breaking for you
Maybe the truth is.. I do not deserve to
That I can never take away your pain
That the best of us is gone
I am trying so hard to let this be
I am taking so much.. in fighting me
Maybe it was over before it began
Maybe we will never understand
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A simple dot from the_messenger_12003
Those who know me.. know i believe god uses the number 23 in many combos to Grab my attention.. to say hey.. look at what is happening right now in your life..
So immediately i checked this profile
Occupation- Messenger of God
So i immediately try to reply to no answer... then 20 mins later A reply in the silence...
(this shit only happens to me)
Thee_Goddess: please tell me who you are
matthew mark: it is not important who I am, what is important is that you know who you are
Thee_Goddess: then how did you find me
Thee_Goddess: and why? 123
Thee_Goddess: god knows those numbers get my attention
matthew mark: I am not God
Thee_Goddess: i am not saying that
matthew mark: I am a messenger of God
Thee_Goddess: so give me my message
Thee_Goddess: i am ready
matthew mark: you know the message
Thee_Goddess: i should know the message
Thee_Goddess: i have been doing his work for some time now
matthew mark: Jesus knows when you are down and weary
matthew mark: He holds you so dearly in His heart
Thee_Goddess: i know he does
Thee_Goddess: and he is in mine
matthew mark: I have come today to let you know that He loves you more than life itself
matthew mark: He wants to hear from you
Thee_Goddess: what more can i say to him
matthew mark: what do you want to say to him, open your heart
Thee_Goddess: i say everything i want to say to him
Thee_Goddess: my heart is open to him and the world
Thee_Goddess: i am in your line of work messenger
matthew mark: thats great news
Thee_Goddess: surprised you did not know but i take a different approach
matthew mark: I am not hear for long, I have many to tend to
Thee_Goddess: what if i said i need you
Thee_Goddess: then you would leave?
matthew mark: remember this day for the Lord needs you
matthew mark: I am always here but it is the Lord you must speak to
matthew mark: He promises to never leave nor forsake you
Thee_Goddess: he is the only one
Thee_Goddess: i know this
Thee_Goddess: that will never leave nor forsake me
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: he is constant in His love for you
Thee_Goddess: again.. the only one
Thee_Goddess: i am certain
Thee_Goddess: yet i wonder why you have been sent
Thee_Goddess: I am strong in my faith walk
matthew mark: have you read his word today, He is trying to speak to you
Thee_Goddess: The only word i have read by him is in your profile
matthew mark: He will only be silent if you silence Him
matthew mark: you have not His words ?
matthew mark: BIBLE
Thee_Goddess: i have 2 of them right in front of me
matthew mark: I thought so
matthew mark: you are a beautiful child of His
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: take care my child
matthew mark: my heart and His love be with you always
Thee_Goddess: good luck with the others
Thee_Goddess: its rough out there
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Don’t you want to dance with me?
You have searched.. You have called
You have knocked on this door time and time again
Endless nights with no reply
And you stand here Still remembering that silence
When so many words are flowing into the wind
So much is being seen
Finally given that open door..
The one that has been locked for centuries
What lies inside is unexplainable
Too broken for words…
Too powerful for understanding
But she stands..
Blood stained sword
Bruised by time
Scarred by her battles
But here her eyes are so full of life
Her fire not stolen by her failures but fueled by her destiny
Her passion to Endure
The one that has fought through Ages to come to this place
For this one moment preserved in the books of destiny
Holding your hand, but not to lead you astray
Not to lead you to any other place than where your heart remains
Only aspirations of the unknown
To sit by the fire you have prepared and dream..
To see the burning embers of the past
Building upon your strengths
Understanding your weaknesses
A goddess brought to her knees
You have heard her whispers
Now she is listening for your reply
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Sending them out to you but you cant read the words
I surrender to your silence
Render myself broken.. until your return
Pushed down time and time again
I try to rest my head on your chest and you stop breathing
So cold here
So alone no matter where i go
Feel me here now.. i may be gone soon
Take my heart.. before there is nothing to hold
Take me away.. before i no longer know myself..
Before i no longer recognize your face
One person cannot make this happen outside of You
I can feel myself fading
I can see where i will no longer stand
Your heart grown weary
Your eyes no longer look into mine.. they no longer search within me
Friday, October 06, 2006
Your Weekend: Here�s a piece of soap. Notice please, how wet and slippery it is. Now, would you be kind enough to hold it tightly for a few moments. Don�t let it go. Squeeze harder. Whoops! What have you done? It has gone flying. Let�s track it down and try again. Or then again, let's not. Something silly is now happening. You are trying too hard to gain control over a situation with a life of its own. Save yourself the stress this weekend. It will sort itself out if you relax, trust and just take gentle, positive action.
I just want to love without reserve
This life is faltering
These words are bleeding from my heart
Nothing is going to stop this from coming
Every moment lasting just a second longer without you
Turn away from what you will
I cant stand in your way
There is a truth that i see
Pouring out from the shadows of where hearts fall
Breathing is not supposed to be an effort
I take you there with me tonight
I feel you in my passion
I sense you in my words
I write in your honor and make love to your mind
I am submissive to your demands
Take me as you will
Dont let me stand
You know not what you risk
I am ready to run
Far from where you cry
Every day is and up and down battle
Fighting for what i have known
Waiting to see what I do not
Holding on to a memory left by each nightly dream
Feeling so alive when i am left smiling in the dark
Through the tears of defeat i try to
Lift something so much stronger than what i am
Im not hear to fight
You have done your best to break me down
There is not room for breathing here
Only suffocation in the air so heavy from what has passed
Im ready to walk away
I have seized the last bit of strength for this journey
Who will take my hand as I learn to walk this time?
How can I try when only you will stand behind ?
How can I learn if all i know is You?
I have a fear of becoming
What i will, when you are gone
Found my strength to make it alright
I have lived up to my end of giving in
Your lips have become so cold
Even if i still feel warmth in your touch
It does not belong to me anymore
I can see it in your eyes
You will say goodbye in the morning
And nothing is alright
We are only borrowing time
To hold one another once again
To find a place of comfort to hide
While we are both so torn on the inside
So life is out there still waiting for our return
We are holding onto the past.. hesitant to let go
Too weak to hold on
Too broken to repair the wrong
Im not ashamed to cry
Yeah it hurts baby
You know it
I know it
I cant give back the unspoken promises
I cant take away the unexpected pain
I cannot be a better person then
Like the one i want to be now
I have rethought my strategies
and im taking them packing with me
I loved you too late
I have to stop wondering where we would be
I have to lay to rest my thoughts of holding you
Your not the man I should have given my heart to
I changed you into a memory of what could have been
I changed your arms into a place i used to be
I changed your heart into disaster..
One woman cannot clean up the mess i have made
Well, maybe someone more worth while
But your fighting me like the enemy
Your defenses are too strong for me
I have to stop wondering where you will go
You have made it clear.. i do not want to know
Why am i still begging to lie with you?
Why am i lying to my heart right now?
Maybe i just think you will feel better thinking i am gone
Maybe I believe you will heal.. if i just leave you alone
I dont want to walk away
So i fight you every step of the way
The tears are falling as You push me to the door
There is nothing left of me that you want anymore
I have been on your side before
I have walked 10000 miles in your shoes
But he was never who I have become
He walked away with a smile
Happy to be in his new place
Pleased to be rid of me
Never looked back at what he had lost
Never risked himself to bring me back together
So i say I cant make sense of it
I say I do not want to go
I beg you please and you tell me No
Remember.. You said I do no want to know!
I am lost now, but you know where to find me
If ever you find yourself
and decide your not what you want to be
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
let the thunder be my sweet words
If i can not touch you,
Let the rain stinging your skin be my touch
If I can not hold you,
Let this warm wind embrace you as I would
If you can not see me
See my soul in every strike of lightning
If you cannot understand me,
Look past these dark clouds to the
Sun trying so badly to shine
Monday, October 02, 2006
If you no longer care then push me down
I have no choice but to love you through the anger
I have no choice but to feel you
We have shared so much
There is so much more ahead
I have wondered so many things
But it all comes back to me loving you
I cant try to walk away
Id leave my heart behind
I cant close my eyes..
Because even there I see you
I wonder why I want to stay
I wonder why you want me to
I wonder where this will go if we both stop trying
I wonder where it could have been already
You wonder if I care, through my tears you do not see
You wonder if I am true. through my words you Will not hear
You are balancing unwaverly on a crossroad..
What do we have to lose?
What is left to break beside our hearts?
Before you go,
I think you ought to know
I cry for you each night
Before i fall asleep with your shirt wrapped in my arms
I think you ought to know
This is not make believe
If i could walk away I would
But i cannot run from you
There is too much left here of me
Inside of you
I have given you nothing that you cannot replace..
But i gave it to you to keep
To know who I am
To know what I feel
And each day I reach into your soul and find more of you
Each day I look onward to the next..
Only hoping That will be the day you finally love me
So take this time...
Find what it is you want.. What you have
Show yourself your heart and listen to it
If i let you go.. will the pieces of your heart come back together?
Am i hurting you by holding on
I dont want to hurt you more than I have
I feel i am failing
That instead of removing the knife from your heart
giving you time to heal
That i am merely twisting it around
I am afraid you will heal me away
Cut your losses and cut our ties
How can I say goodbye.. each time not knowing if it will be the last
How can I walk away knowing you may never come after me
How can I put these things away.. that hold your memory.. Your scent.. Your words
How can i turn this song off.. The one you shared
How can I not hear the message in the words
I need to rest my mind
I need to get through this
I am falling apart from the inside out
Falling all over myself
Feeling too much
Every second outside of you is a desperate reminder of the wrong i have done
How can I let go and just let what will be.. become?
Would you not fight tooth and nail on the way to your executioner?
Would you not beg for your life until your last breath?