Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A few thoughts..

Today was the first "last day before christmas break" that I did not receive one gift from the kids on my bus.. not One card or candy cane or cookie... Not a mug or candle.. just Nothing.. I am not a greedy person, I am a sentimental person who has saved every picture or card given to me in the 7 years that I have been doing this job.. and sadly, I have nothing to save this year.. only the memory of sticky fingers from the candy canes pased out to them and one kid puking on my bus this morning..
Merry Christmas Miss Katie...

Many years I have only received one or two cards or small gifts, like a home made ornament or a candle from the dollar store.. but it was the thought that made me tear up.. and this year Not one parent thought of me.. I remember my first year I was SURPRISED that anyone thought of me.. but they did.. and I was like wow.. maybe I am appreciated.. (and I am going to keep this part of the post non-hostile) There is no magical message to pull out of this.. My optimism has been worn thin this month. So, Yeah, it was a rant.. and I dont care to put anymore thought into it..

So far today I have cleaned up puke, changed a shitty diaper and gained a pound since I woke up eating nothing.. I know its been awesome..

On another note.. I have found a place for my poetic side in an amazing community of support at deviant art.. who knew they had a literature/poetry community.. seems to go hand in hand.. since I have found much inspiration from DA in the past by viewing through the visual art over there.. The great thing has really been the response, the comments, the faves, the friends.. I dont know how, but it inspires me to write.. and also to write better.

I think it is time that my writing takes a new step up in maturity.. I love to eiminate simplicity when it comes to writing and tie in metaphoric messages that few may get, but those that do Really get it.
I hope I can make use of this little vacation from college and work to write a new piece before the new year.. I am feeling creative and can only hope that that in which pours out of me is worth writing..

I dont think I am going to work out today.. I still have a lot of wrapping to do and I need to get it done this afternoon.. NOT christmas eve. This will be my first christmas eve and christmas morning with my kids in about 5 years.. so I am pretty excited and I want to make some memories (hopefully) Anti-anxiety pills here I come lol!!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Awakening..

Wow.. I wish wow was all I could say... but this dream last night was insane..

The simple facts..
I was standing in the mirror and saw about 2 inches of a metal stake sticking out of the right side of my chest.. there was blood around it and I was not horrified because I had seen it there from previous dreams.. i touched it a bit and I could tell that it would move if I pulled it.. but I was afraid.. I moved it about half an inch out and it started bleeding pretty bad.. so I hurried and put my shirt back on and decided to ignore it.. for now

Somehow I was homeless and carrying a baby around.. and I found out I was in another country.. because I kept thinking I need to get to a hospital and get this stake taken out. But I was afraid they wouldnt take my insurance in another country.. I was afraid of what would happen if I pulled it out myself.. would I bleed to death? would there be a gaping hole? I knew I needed medical professionals to be there to FIX me.. I dont know. but I do know it had been in there so long there was scar tissue forming around it..

I was at this homeless shelter.. and I remember hiding my purse and taking a shower with my clothes on in this open gym looking shower next to another lady with her clothes on..I remember feeling like I just wanted to wash my hair.. I just wanted to feel clean..

Now the not so simple facts.. the dream interpretation...

The Dehabilitation
The baby.. well I always have a baby. I have always had my children to put before me and think about first.. but the fact that everything I was doing in this dream was One handed, because i was always holding this baby in my other arm cradled against me.. Always protecting them and yet being hindered by their presence.. I am not resentful of this, but I am dehabilitated by this in  so many ways

Finding Home
I had this overwhelming sense of not being lost by being homeless, but feeling like I had nowhere to FEEL safe. I felt uneasy and worried and controlled in ways by the shelter.. I was not free and I was uncomfortable. It makes me see that this is how I feel in my waking life. Truly and honestly I cannot run and hide from HIM.. even when I go to another place in the house.. he is still here and able to cause damage and he often does.. yelling from the basement or coming up and finding something the kids have done wrong... especially when he is already in one of his moods.. and as much as I should feel that this is my safe haven.. that this is my home and my heart should feel at ease here.. it doesnt..not unless he is at work.. that is the only time I truly feel comfortable being "home"

The Removal
This... is the most powerful message from this dream.. one that many may not agree with, but it is my mind, my emotion, my dream, my epiphany.. and This is the message I received last night through this dream.. or was it through the awakening?
I have had this stake in my chest for years.. i have dreamt of it for years.. and yet nothing ever urged me to take it out.. At any point I ever thought to take it out, I always thought, no it would kill me.. I would bleed to death.. Not this time. This time I started thinking above that.. planning to have the medical professionals or in real life The life saving crew, standing by to repair the damage as best as they can and hope I make it through the surgery....Finally in this dream, I Wanted it to be removed.. i wanted it out and I wanted to stop having to work around it. I was ready to take that risk of seeing what would happen when it comes out. I just Despised the fact that it was in there anymore..
But of course all these roadblocks.. who would hold the baby while I went into surgery, how would i pay for it if this other country didnt take my insurance, where would I go to rehabilitate if I had no home??
I think the message is pretty clear..there are and will be road blocks.. but I am going to prepare myself for surgery. I can't live like this any longer. Its killing me either way. People have told me "You will never be happy" people i once loved or had a relationship with.. and at one point I started to believe this.. but now i am thinking to myself.. "What kind of fucked up person tells someone this?" Just because YOU couldnt make me happy.. doesnt mean my happiness doesnt exist..
I am a pretty damn happy person on my own.. I just need someone with the same personality.

Well I know this may be confusing to some, but it is crystal fucking clear to me..


Sunday, December 11, 2011

So Dim...

I just woke up, eyes swollen from yesterdays breakdown, and I am truly not sure if I would rather still be lingering in last nights dream or todays reality.

Yesterday started out as such a good day.. and quickly snowballed into a day that I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say Fuck Everything.. I really dont want to go into details, because what caused this disturbance is done and over with.. The question is, Where do I go from here? How do I "deal" with it? How do I "learn" from it? How do I "accept" it?

I would like to think I am a fairly emotional stable person.. In the eye of danger I tend to not only stay straight faced and void all thoughts of panic, but I take charge of the situation fearlessly. I do what needs to be done. My mind works so clear at these moments... After the resolution.. after I am out of the situation and back into safety.. THAT is when I lose it.. never fails.

My heart just starts painfully ripping itself apart, blame is thrown every which way in my mind, usually at myself, Chest aching, tears streaming, the inability to talk without crying harder.. Hatng myself, my life, wanting to lay down and die, wishing I werent alive, HATING Life and all the bullshit I have to get through just to have one fucking day worth smiling for... What is that? Oh My good friend the mental breakdown.

Apparently this dark shadow took me yesterday and did not want to let me go.. in fact he stuck around in my dreams and is still lingering not so quietly within my soul. In the silence of the morning, before anyone chose to wake me or themselves for that matter... I wake up and get to listen to the silence of the house as the war in my mind seems miles at distance, it may have moved onward, but I can still hear it, it is still visible in the distance, and I am standing here with bodies all around me...

I made it out of that battle alive.. and though the bodies in their death veils seems somewhat confusing to me.. I can only assume these are some my guardians laying there motionless..
The reasons in life
to NOT give up
to NOT hate myself
to NOT choose eternal sleep over all else...

Because these Reasons, these "Guardians", love me so much, they would die by my side..
 They would die FOR me just to give me one more day of breath if they had to choose...

and for me, in that moment of my most recent battle, where I wanted to throw down my defenses and let the darkness take me away.. where I was so weary and exhausted by battle after battle, one hit after another, constantly defending my life, my happiness, my light... to give up would solve nothing, shatter lives, create darkness in so many live... to take away my light, would be a selfish act of great proportions..

They rose up around me and showed me light when I could no longer remember its existence...
Through being what I have been known to be.. In mirror image..
Strength to the weak..
Voice for the silent..
Beacon for the Lost..

I have shown my soul to so many over the years, without fear..
Today, in the aftermath, I need to find reason
I have to remember what many of my friends in life may Never understand..
His purpose for me..

I NEED to continue my journey..