Monday, April 17, 2006

Im trying so hard to tell myself that he is gone..
Mom pointed out the 4 things he left me on his desk
Our baby, the ewok he bought for me in Florida, in happier times id say, hell any time before today was a happier time
A picture of him sitting on our bed, a picture that I had spent many lonely nights crying to, looking at, sleeping with, praying for...
His bible he dedicated to me...promised to buy me a bible and found it more meaningful to give me his...
Our engagement ring...I have given you my heart and soul now I ask will you accept it? Yes baby, I do. You are My soul, You are My heart. You are the storm that guides me. I know your confused right now, but god is sending me so many messages today. You are making a stand for what you believe in. You are doing what is hard for you and I both for your place at the throne with our lord. For our place there. And if you never return to me, just know I am putting this in God's hands, he will not abandon me. When he makes a promise... he doesnt go back on it. He doesnt make mistakes. I am not Your mistake. I was created for you, and you for me... I will take your memory "into eternity" as I promised, and my promise will stand just as one should. You are such a precious soul, and by now I wish things had been different. I wish my bed was warm with your body. Instead cold sheets await my arrival. I wish this pain in my stomach were only from not having the will to eat. Instead it is the emptiness of my soul that has I wish I had loved you every day as it were our last day together. Instead, I depended on having the rest of my life to catch up on the love I should have given you yesterday. I wish as I wrapped my arms around you crying and pleading to god to keep you with me, that he had answered my prayer. Instead silence. I wish you had kissed me goodbye and promised to return. But instead you told me to remember you love could I forget?

Now you can see why I felt I could never love again. Now I see why I should have trusted myself for once. But again I side with the fact that I believe you were sent to me by god himself. I believe You were "the one" he has wanted me to prepare for. I believe in God's will. You showed me the way to him. You made me want so badly to be a better person. Your love for me, and my love for you made me understand a tiny ounce of how unconditionally jesus loves us. One day it just dawned on me as my understanding of Christ often does...I couldnt Fathom the amount of Love he had in his love EVERYONE as much as I loved you.
Now I can almost fathom other things Jesus went through. Sacrifice.

Mom forgot to mention one thing you left for me...

But she said baby, look at the things he left for you here...
This is your answer.

She gave me the longest hug ever before she left.
She told me, He is doing what he feels is right, he wasnt ready for you, he may never be. But you have to let him do this, even if he isnt coming back to you. I know she is worried about me coming out of this alive. I told her goodbye and when she left, fell to the floor to cry once again.

God, when will my time come to live life with happiness? When will my suffering end? When will you bring him back to me?

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