Saturday, September 30, 2006

Fear.

Im standing here on the edge..
I cant make sense of this
As fast as I say the words.. I fear I should not
I have been wondering lately if im a fool
If i should turn the other way
If my love is only breaking his heart
Usually I am relentless
But i have fallen and im afraid
Im not ready to feel this pain
I am sustaining this sanity
Trying to believe he is thinking of me right now
Trying to pretend he will call me soon and tell me how much he misses me
But i know the truth
It is dwelling in my heart and i do not want to see
I cannot bare to tell it he isnt coming back
That It is no longer allowed to love this man
I dont want to know
I want to run and hide.. so he cannot say goodbye
I dont know what to say..
I dont know what to do..
Except lie to my heart
I thought my happy ending was coming
I thought.. this could be it
I thought.. He must really love me to give me his forgiveness
Now this
Sitting here alone.. afraid to wonder where he is
and why it is not me he wants to be with
My own Sin has become my biggest fear
To feel the pain I gave to another
Turned around and handed to me with a big Bow
Maybe it Was too much to stay
Maybe I was too little to cherish
Maybe my apologies will never be enough
Its complicated waiting for him to love me
But it is the bed i have created
I am forced to watch him slip away as I reach so helplessly
to grasp his heart
to make everything go away
Because I cannot look away from what can be
Please god take away this ache
I dont want to be so unimportant
I dont want to be abandoned again
How could I make it through again?

Im ok.

It is ok
Everything has fallen into its place
I see this world in front of me
And although it isnt what I expected
I know there are things beyond me
That i do not see coming
But they are
They are manifesting as we sit here now
Our future is created in our past
We are making these paths as we go
Walking upon a cherished destiny
I heard the voices tonight
Wise.. beautiful.. forgiving..
Accepting of my failures
Hopeful for my destination
I am loved
I know this
Now
And who am I to deserve such unconditional love?
WHo am I to deserve these few lives that think of me so highly?
Loving the one that pushes them away
I am finally seeing what my reflection wants to show me
Looking into my own eyes..
Seeing the truth through the eyes of my soul
So I can walk away at any time and leave what is behind me.. just that
Behind me
I am going to be alright
I am going to find my place in this world
I am going to make a place in my heart
I am going to reserve a seat at my own funeral
Im going to sit right in the front and smile
Knowing that I found my 13
Knowing that this girl... carried the weight of a thousand lives
Just trying to make One right
Finding my place of belonging
Wide spread into the arms I dont belong to anymore
Letting go of the dreams I have clung to
Making them a reality worth living
I will bleed.. only if I must
But there is nothing that will leave my cuts bound
I will heal time and time again
I will tire.. only when I have become too numb
But nothing will deprive me of what I want to feel
I am not hiding.. You only need to look into my eyes
So you do not understand me..
So You no longer know me..
What is the sense of understanding what you feel?
You cannot know what changes from day to day
You cannot live without the will to change
I am not at fault for searching beyond these days
I am not guilty for being ignorant
Only for knowing too much
Knowing what is.. what isnt
What can be.. what can Never be
Knowing I can slip away.. but i will fight to stay
I know I can jump and never lose my way
Im blind to everything around me
and yet so aware
I run through it all like a child through an open field
I want to feel the wind through my hair
Open my hands as the leaves brush against them
Throw my head back and spin until I can no longer stand
this life
This one life
So precious.. So real
So alive inside
Why do I any longer hide?
If I am too much..
Then You have got to make room
If my words come out in riddle
Then You need to take the time to collect your own thoughts
Ive got nothing to lose that does not belong to me
Those who only want..
Know where they belong
Have you found your place yet?
Thankful I smile in their words
Take me for granted and I will grant in you nothing
If I am merely a pacifier..
There is no need for you here
Love me or leave me..

Friday, September 29, 2006

Can we?

Baby dont let them take me away
Im trying to hold on
Im trying to find where I belong
They say its too late
Its time to go
But i want to stay..
Just a while longer
Hold me tight
Dont let them take me
I just got here
I just fell into your arms
I just started to get comfortable
Free spirit.. no need to fly from here
Let me walk with you
I can teach you how to be free
Spend the little moments forgetting the world
Carrying on in ways only we believe
Protect me from this world
The hurtful things they say
Tell me im doing ok
Tell me everything is going to be alright
Hold me...
*breath*
Dont let me out of your sight
Say you want to see me forever
And when i run ahead and look back
Say you will always be there
Right behind me
When i think ive lost it all.. remind me I have not lost you
Hold the sunshine over my head
Carry the moonlight by my side
Watch the rain fall With me
Stay out here with me.. it wont hurt
Stand here by this stream..
Let me jump in..
Splash you with my love for everything you are
Im taking you to my place
The place i seen myself alone
And now you are here with me
I trust you to be Alone.. With me
Shhh.. dont tell them where we are
Remember that list of things to do?
What could be more important than just being me and you?
So you want to start living..
Whats stopping you from throwing your hands up in the air
Taking me into your arms and dancing to no music as you sing in my ear?
Im ready when you are..
Want me to go hide.. so you can find me all over again?
We have chewed on the bitter and sampled the sweet
I dont want to wait to begin
Could this be?
If you were the moon, I would be the sky surrounding you.. Illuminated by its presence
If you were the rain, I would be the desert sands thirsting for your falling
If you were the sun, I would be the earth, Bathing in your glory, striving from your existance.. to fall apart if you were to disappear
You bring that balance into my life..
You take the meaning of my life and make it that much more beautiful
With you.. there is balance
A calm sense of Being thankful that we are not meant to be alone
Lets run baby..
leave this world behind.. Make our own..
Live our dreams..
Fight our fears..
Together..
Can we?

Dedicated to Gregory Scott Blick
Because Only you can keep me awake in my dreams!

Pull me through!

I started this fucking mess in my head
I turned around and realized what i had done
would haunt me like death haunts the mortals
Walkin in the daylight i look up to the horizon and smile
that this is for me
That this life this love has come into my day
I smile when i think of how it could have been
I find myself smiling at strangers as they pass by.. because he is on my mind
I find myself laughing with security that i may be silly but he loves me for who i am
That there is no motive
No underlying desire to possess me for a short while
To obtain me.. only to release me when the butterflies have flown away
He speaks in actions.. with his eyes.. his touch
there are no lines to read between
No mistakes in his kiss
No worries between his fingers as they are entwined in mine..
I cannot want anymore
I wont linger outside of these lines
I am here for good.. for the bad
When will this shame leave my heart
I have followed it when the time was wrong
Pulled in what i felt and left behind what i wanted
Does anyone know how to love themselves?
Is it a myth?
An unnattainable goal... we all strive to achieve
But cannot begin to perceive
But shouldnt we be able to find ourselves
before we can fall in love with who we are?
You know me..
You love who i am
Only you can see who i am..
You love me even though you know i can be weak
Not for my strengths but for everything i am to you
You accept me.. because you do not Have to
You need me, because I will be the light in your darkened world..
No matter what
And you know that
You can Depend on that
The one thing you can depend on that can break at any moment
Yet so easily rebuilt and given hope
Simple words.. Simple moments
You have given me a smile from my tears
You have reminded me of WHY
You stopped me from my downward spiral and threw me a rope to hold onto
WIped away my tears with your love
For the day I will breath easily knowing you are still here with me
For my life I will have to find you in my memories if you no longer hear me


Dedicated to Stephanie

For reminding me of who I am.. when I can no longer remember!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Tucked away for another day...

I am resting.
Feeling the warmth surround me
Brought in from the cold
Embraced by the light of his eyes
I can't let go of this glance
I dont want to move..
Just lay here forever
Do you feel that?
*sigh*
I can
I don't have a prayer in this matter
They have all been answered
Not heaven.. but Reality
It is not our time for that
Who would have known?
I dont want to be taken away..
I want to live one day short of your life
I want to dance with you in front of our grandchildren
I want to sing to you at our 50th wedding anniversary
I want to hold your hand in the hospital as our future changes
I want to sit with you night after night, going through the picture book of our memories..
I want to laugh with you after our hair goes silver
I want to kiss you while you are asleep.. every night that passes by for the rest of our lives
I want to see you smile when you are proud of something you have done
I want to hear your voice when you need to talk
I want to comfort you and wipe away your tears, when times arent so good
I want to stand beside you.. work beside you.. To make ourselves a home
I know things wont always be easy
They have never been easy to now and I dont expect that to change
But with you, I can smile through them
With you, I can see they will pass.. but you will always be there
I want to give you the eyes of your own blood.. but only if your ever ready
I want to walk beside you.. to the altar.. and under God.. Vow my faithfulness and dedication to your life and mine
I want my Father to give me to you.
I want to Slowdance with You, My husband.. and rest my head on your shoulder with tears in my eyes, Knowing you are mine forever..
I want to Have that One night where forever truly begins
I want to laugh at our families getting drunk and crazy.. Together!
God that is going to be so funny
I want my little sister to be my Maid of Honor..
Our Nu Nu to be the ring bearer
Our Informer and chatterbox to throw flowers down the aisle
You wont read this for months.. maybe years to come.. but i dont see the end.. this is what i want to see..
I want bill to put on a tux and tell you he loves you and this isnt Kate..hehe
I want my brother Rick to see his sister truly happy.. finally! And I know he will see it in my eyes.. he knows me better than anyone
I want to say I love you, and know you really Know I do love you.
I want to be the only woman your eyes search for until the end
I want to walk into the room and take your breath away
I want you to be the happiest man alive.. for the rest of your life
I want you to sing to me on our wedding night.. I know just seeing you go up there will make me start to cry
Hell i cant really think of a time I wont be crying that night
I want to see my mom dancing with my dad
I want Shari to get drunk and crazy and scare the hell out of everyone as we Laugh.. because we knew it would happen and we all placed bets
I want to follow you when you are strong.. and lead you when you are weak
I want to breathe you in forever
I want to miss you when we are apart.. and know you are missing me too
I want to smile each time you walk in the door, like I havent seen you in years
I want to make love to you as your bride... The one woman that will never leave your side
I want to capture every moment we can.. because this life is all we have
and I plan to live it that way

Monday, September 25, 2006

I cant.

Take the pain and force it down..
Take the doubt and run away
Do it all again..
Over and over until you bleed
Dont pretend you care
When its convenient
Dont walk away from me
while i stand here crying
There was nothing left for me here
You painted a picture for me
Now I cant look away
You created a warmth that felt so good
Now I dont want to be cold
On and On I do it all again
I stumble and falter all over again
You dont Fade away
But you dont shine anymore
Watch me look at you with confusion
I dont deserve to know what you are
I dont want to cry
I am running out of time
I sat back and looked at my life today
I seen the loose ends..I want to tie them in knots
I want to be free of my needs
Free of my addictions
I dont want to Need
I dont want to crave what you are
I cant let this take me away
But the voice in my head tells me to run
before it kills me
When will i just listen
For once will i fucking do it right
Will i do it all over again
What has caused me to be so leary
This life is not for me
This dream is only meant for sleep
If you need someone to comfort you
I can no longer be there
I cant be by your side
Where do you expect me to smile as you cry
But its ok, I should make it through
Its gonna hurt whether its me or you
Wake me.. you cant your far away
Stop me.. you cant.. theres nothing left to say
Nothing in common except for pain
Just a fire faded away
Wasting another day
your not close enough to see into my eyes
To remind you of what will never be
but your close enough to keep hurting me
I sang into your ear as you slept
only to tell you im here for you if your sleep breaks
To comfort you.. because i know your life is not easy
You have so much on your mind
But you have no time to see what you are doing

Hate Me Lyrics- Blue October

Hate Me

[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me
just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today...
Hate me tomorrow...
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

For you
For you
For you

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Before you say Goodbye.

Nothing left to say.. brought to a whisper in your ear
Resting my head on your shoulder
Fighting the world around us..
trying to reach you before you are too far gone
Watching you stare off into the distance..
Waiting for you to see into my eyes
Waiting for you to react
Touching your skin as you avoid me
Breathing you in.. closing my eyes.. imagining you feel me there
Stop.. the room pauses
No one sees me
No one knows I am there
An Apparition of my past only wanders into the room
I touch your face.. stand before you
You look so distraught
You cant see me but you know I am there
My memory brings you pain
My presence brings you uneasiness
I kneel before your motionless body and gaze into your eyes
I remember how those blue eyes once looked into mine with gentle passion
I see the lips that used to warm mine.. I run my finger over them..
Tracing where my lips once belonged
I have crossed boundaries to show you what I want
Confessed to those closest to me..
Despite what shame I deserve.. they hold me
They know the regret.. they have lived the mistakes themselves
I was not born vindictive
I was not born without a heart
I did not come into this world wishing to hurt people with my actions
I stand on the table and scream.. I made the biggest mistake of my life
I have put the truth into your head
I have given you everything I can
But my touch no longer warms you.. it burns you inside
My words no longer comfort you.. they anger and annoy you
My eyes no longer pull you in.. but push you to look away
I have become a haunting
An unwanted memory
A name that only brings confusion
A ghost of what could have been
So I sing you to sleep.. with my wicked lullaby
Reminding you that someone who has come to love you has betrayed you
Reminding you that this life is unkind
I have become what you do not want to know
I have chased you down and lead you away
I hear my own voice.. I have never had to listen to myself so much
I am bitter to the sound of my pleas
Ive created a crime scene
Roped off for investigation..
No one is allowed in
No one is getting out
If i could change one thing.. it would be Everything
If I could say One word.. it would be Nothing
So My soul awaits your return..
still resting at your feet invisible to your eyes
Damaging to your mind
Awaiting your recognition
Pausing this life.. as I walk through my memories of you
Taking a moment to see what I am losing
A good hard look before you say Goodbye

Friday, September 22, 2006

Someone.

Someone is out there right now
Sitting.. waiting for something
For someone
How could the world have forgotten you?
What makes you so un-important?
Someone is waiting for an answer right now
Hoping she will be the thing he needs
That her helpless calls will not go unanswered
Only she knows this silence
Only her heart will falter if he walks away from her desperate requests
Alone she will self sooth
Alone she will do everything in her power to make her heart stop hurting
It doesnt seem too bright
She has crossed this line before..
She has reached out time and time again
to be left just that.. reaching
Reaching out so far until she looses control and falls on her face
Spits the blood from her lip..
Breathes into the dirt..
Clenches her fists full of the ground she is hugging
Then she lays her head to recollect herself for a while...
Allowing her body to go limp..
On the brink of wishing she didnt have to stand
She is bruised all over from carelessly chasing him..
Running into whatever gets in between her and where she wants to be
The pain is only temporary
She is aware that once she lets go.. she will surely heal
No promises of forever this time
No one to get in her way but herself
Roll over and look at the sky
Look at it
Those stars shine for you
The moon shines to light your way..
But you need to open your eyes
The path is simple.. try to be more careful with where you step
Take your time.. Take your moment
Then pull yourself up and try again..
Just dont ever give up.

Tell me.

Tell me you love me...
What are you waiting for?
Tell me you are ready to hold me...
Is it so hard to push open that door?
(Let me help you we can do this together)
Show me where you are taking me
Ill pack our things and go
Show me who you want to be
Ill reserve a place in my heart
Someone Loves you
I know you dont think so
You never have to be alone
You never have to go
Tell me Im all you have wanted
Ill give you everything I am
Tell me your so tired of being Alone
Ill take you by your hand
Tell me You miss me
I'll show you what it is you were missing
Say you want to stay
Ill take you in my arms to pull you through this thing
I know I am difficult
I place my finger over your lips
I know I make you weak
You dont need to say a word
Allow your eyes to speak.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Untitled

I am content to let you stumble
I am content to let you shine
I am content you have your dreams
Although they are not mine

Do you see these eyes.. they belong to you
Just say the words
Do you feel this heart.. It stops for you
Everytime you walk away

Come to me my love
Let me hold you into the night
Allow me to drift you into this place between you and where you want to be
Fall asleep in my arms and forget the world
Only you are allowed to see

Only you can come here with me

Dont lose all your hopes in where we can go
I am right here.. trying tell help you
Don't forget who i want to be
I fell but i am not fallen

Don't look away so fast
Turn around and think about how we used to love each new day
Too little too late
Too much left to walk away

We used to laugh
We used to let our looks linger
We used to wake up in one anothers arms.. holding on till the last minute
We used to be bad for eachother.. when things were good
We used to be the one thing right when everything was going wrong

I wont let you fall away

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Taken Away.

Your driving me insane.. pushing me away as i try to cling to what is left
Hardly a word spoken between us and i wait for more
Be patient.. im losing myself waiting for you to come back
Im forgetting the man i love
Your trying to remember why you love me
Jaded you no longer care
Jaded.. you casually listen to my pleas of my missing you
I only wait to hold you
.. to see you smile once again at me
I wait to breathe in your presence
..to feel your breathe on my skin
I am standing outside your door.. standing in the rain waiting for you to let me in
To wrap your arms around me..
tell me everything is goingto be alright
Wrap your arms around me and be silent
Im tired baby
Im tired of living outside of you
Im tired of holding you in my dreams
and waking only to have it all taken away!

I miss you!

Dont let me see you.

I cant cry out.. I want to scream and close my eyes
Wake up and see this isn’t really my life
If I could take so many little things and sew them up.. cut a piece off here and there
I want to take control of myself
I want to tell myself I no longer need.
I am fighting this insanity like a fire burning beneath me
I am tied up by what is truth..
I am bound by my heart
I am a child walking in the night once again..
Hiding beneath the trees..
Waiting for someone to come find me
Alone in the night.. trying to cry as quietly as I can
I want to be searched for but not found..
I cant even find myself anymore
Sometimes I don’t even know who I am
This soul has naked walls and bare floors..
Moved out on myself.. with a note.. be back .. someday
The lights are working but I prefer to reach around in the dark..
There is nothing left to stumble upon..
Just the echoes of my tears..
The shadows of my years left behind..
The pain never mended.. only tucked away in the corners.
Numbing myself over time..
Medicated and souless?
The pain may fill me by doing what is right..
To let go and walk away
To love but never speak
To remember but never create another memory
No one left to tell me everything will be alright
No one left to answer my calls in the night
It had to end because it was going the wrong way
I had to stop and turn around
Im going to find that stream now..
Im going to find my happiness.. alone
Set me free.. never knowing how to fly
But i do not need to fly to wear i am going
I need only learn which direction i need to go
Just sit here and watch me go
Follow if you will.. but please dont carry me
Watch from the distance.. but please don't let me see you

Monday, September 18, 2006

I have no place to ask him how he feels
I cant go on holding on to something that is no longer there
I have no right loving him.. asking him to come back
I am afraid i have helped him create a wall to keep me out.
To protect himself from being hurt
Will i have the strength to let him go?
What have i done?
Im not the only one in this world who has made such a mistake..
but i feel so alone
I dont know where to turn except away
To hide away from the world
To sit here with my guilt and shame
Tea time with the enemies
Im listening to my heart and it wants me to reach for him
while everyone else tells me to let him go
To face up to what i have done. To learn from my mistake and to move on
So im not supposed to think about him any more?
Who could possibly say that?
What kind of idiot out there thinks that is an option?
I never knew this day would come..
I never knew it would hurt like this
Could i promise myself to stop crying?
Could i convince myself to stop trying?
Hopefully i will wake up from this nightmare soon...
The leaves will fall as i walk alone..
The world will turn as i stand still
The years will pass by like grains of sand in this hourglass of mine
I just cant fight myself anymore
How long will i hold on?
I cant find this thing they call hope
The truth is not always beautiful
But i cant live a lie

I bleed red..

Im a mother.. a friend.. a lover..
Im an Ex, Im a dream,
Im a liar who knows shame..
Im a cheater who knows the meaning of poor judgement..
Im a sinner who wants to make it to heaven..
Im a muse.. A fallen Angel who forgot her way home..
I am strong in my moments of weakness..
I am weak in my moments of strength..
I cant see the future and i try to forget the past.
Ive been abandoned.. Ive been found..
I have been rejected and accepted.
I have wished for death.. I have wished for one more breath.
I have Loved so deeply that my heart has shattered in his absence..
I have loved so casually that i spent more time wondering why I can't fall again..
I have hurt myself.. I have healed myself..
I have made mistakes that i can never take away..
I have hurt people that I never wanted to hurt..
I am selfish and yet so giving..
I want to change the world.. I forget about changing myself.
I have very few close friends.. and yet I would do anything for a complete stranger..
I am a hypocrite..
I have done things that have turned me into my worst enemy..
I know shame.. I know pride.. I know regret.. they are roomates to my soul.
I know the love of a child.. the love of a man.. and the love of oneself..
I have dreams that i dont want to wake from..
I have nightmares that wake me crying..
I drool in my sleep when im really tired..yeah.. i know cool huh?
I have a broken heart.. but i will smile when the opportunity arises.
I have an addiction. (or a few) but could it be so wrong afterall?
I know what it feels like to want your life to end..
I know what it is like to wake up each morning to wrap yourself around
the man you love and be thankful you have him..
i know what it feels like to be abandoned by the one man you loved more than yourself..
I know what its like to hurt someone that you loved..
I have been a fool.. I have been afraid..
I have been broken and put myself back together..
I have fallen and taught myself how to stand again..
I have danced in the rain.. I have laughed through my tears..
I have cried after making love..
I know desire. I know lust.
I know what it feels like to want something you cannot have..
I know what it feels like to have had something you can No longer have..
I know what it feels like to die.. I know what it feels like to be brought back to life..
I have known Hate.. I have known deception.
I can understand the things that confuse others,
and yet I am confused about understanding myself.
I have been inconsiderate.
I have been a dissappointment..

I think differently, and sometimes i wish I couldnt think at all.
I have asked for forgiveness.
I have been shallow..hiding the depth of my soul.
I have carried tears within my eyes every time I see a baby born..
I have given birth and i know the worst pain in the world..
and how quickly you forget it when you hold your child for the first time.
I believe in love at first sight.
I dont believe in perfection.. I do believe in compromise..
I believe any relationship needs balance and effort..
I am strong alone.. but stronger with love in my life.
I am co-dependant and independant.
I will never give up who I am to make someone happy.
I will not abandon myself to save another.
I have fears I cannot leave behind.
I have been alone in a room full of people.
I have been so alive.. alone with my lover.
I have made promises I couldnt keep.
I know what it is like to make love to someone and never want them to be outside you again..
To make love to someone and feel your bodies become one.. your eyes meet and your souls dance..
I have held the hand of a stranger in need.
I have been helped by strangers.
I know what it feels like to think you cant go on..
I know what it feels like to kick yourself in the ass to go on.
I know what it is to be depended on 24 hours a day by 3 children.
I know what it feels like to feel like you are failing them.. letting them down.
I know what it is to give up comfort to take on the world just
to make a better life for your children.
I have felt that i am not enough.. i have felt that i am too much.
I am stubborn and yet indecisive.
I dont plan things very well.. but i always get where i am going.. eventually!
I have driven into nowhere.. with no destination.
I have driven with a destination and never found what i was looking for.
I bleed red.
I know what it is to be Human!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

If weakness is a wound
that no one wants to speak of
then cool is just how far we have to fall
i am not immune-i only wanna be loved
but i feel safe behind the firewall
can i lose my need to impress?

if you want the truth,

i need to confess

i'm not alright- i'm broken inside,
broken inside
and all i go thru-it leads me to you,
it leads me to you

burn away the pride,
bring me to my Weakness
'til everything i hide behind is gone
and when i'm open wide
with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on

'cuz honestly,

i'm not that strong

i'm not alright- I'm broken inside,
broken inside
and all i go thru-it leads me to you,
it leads me to you
i'm not alright-i'm not alright
-i'm not alright

thats why i need you

-Sanctus real

Friday, September 15, 2006

Its ok.

Its national suicide awareness week... so i wrote something for those that dont know.. someone out there cares.. even if you dont know their name.

Im not alright and its ok.. this world was meant to be this way
Through the trials we find a small glimmer of peace..
In the eyes of our children.
In the touch of our Lover.
In the words of our Parents.
In the random call from our friend.
So the percentage of shadow has overcome the light
The light only shines that much more
Like the sun reaching through the clouds
Seemingly creating a pathway from the heavens to our earth
The struggle has become so beautiful.. to know in the end all will be fine
Laugh through the tears
Cry through the happiness
Stay confused in his words
But feel what is being said..
dont forget to feel every rain drop falling to your skin
Dont forget to close your eyes as he takes your hand and remember how you felt at that very moment.. another human life reached out to touch you.. to let you know he is thinking about you.. even when no words are spoken.. That in that instant.. You were loved.
Dont forget to stop your child in the middle of an ever on going speach they seem to always make and wrap your arms around them.. "Whisper I love you"
Take your moments.. they belong to you and they pass us by every second we breath
Choose your words wisely but always speak from your heart.. no matter what!
You may leave a line of bleeding hearts.. but arent we all bleeding as well.
You may set worlds on fire.. and thats ok.. because the ashes we create will blow away with the wind.. spreading themselves throughout the world... Your memory will be alive in the hearts of many..
Dont allow yourself to be forgotten.. dont become someone that You dont even know.
Take one more chance.. every time you can
Speak one last word.. if ever a soul wishes to hear you.
Know your past.. but learn your future..
Dont let your mistakes become your destiny
Dont let your heart become weak... its the only one you have
Dont allow your soul to become lost
Its ok to be lost.. its ok..
You cant run from yourself.. you only have to realize that what you wish to become is inside of you..
This world will hurt you.. it will break you down..
You will be shattered... and torn
But you can pull together all the pieces again and be free
Dont be afraid to love again.. remember You deserve to feel.
You deserve to Live.
You've been on this road for some time now..
You dont know where it goes but I promise it wont lead to nowhere
Follow the wind and you will find your way.

"Alot of people love you, You just think they are all wrong".

Monday, September 11, 2006

Lost.

I’ve lost myself somewhere in the middle of nowhere
I cant find my way out
I have opened doors and now there is too much in the way to close them
I have cleared paths and the brush around it has died.. to never cover up where I have been
I am too late.. never early never on time…
Too late to go back and change.. myself
Or am I?
To you is the distance I must overcome
To find my way back into your heart
To make my way back into your life
To show you everything you have wished to see
What I have held back
What I have ignored
I cant fight you forever..
Either we have to come together or move apart
I cant live with this shame, every time I look into your eyes.. I know!
I cant handle the unknown
Maybe one day you will come back to me
Maybe it is already over
Maybe it never began
Who am I to say.. The only way through this is to fight
The only way I know
To never give up when you love something
To take the pain as it comes..
To use every moment given as its your last
Can you see the end..
You see what you want to see.
I see nothing
I am merely waiting for time to heal you
My words are useless.. For once
My actions are assumingly pre-meditated
What good am I to existance?
If I am living to keep you.. what will happen if I lose you?
If I am struggling to convince you.. what will happen when you no longer hear me?
Tell me what it is you want me to do..
If there is nothing.. how can I comply
If I don’t want to let go, if I promise to not give up.. Will it be an empty promise?
Do You think I am pretending?
Do you think I Want to be without you?
Do you even understand me at all?
I am going to stand through this.
I cant break again
So I am closing down the flood gates
I cant pour out into you any longer
Im afraid of you, but I have been here before
I want you to find me, but I no longer know if you want to lie with me

I want you to hold me.. but I no longer understand what I am to you
I know it was me.. I know I have created shadows in your mind
I know you feel betrayed..
But let me heal your wounds
Allow me to calm your senses
If you wish for me I am yours.. but tell me if you believe in me
If you doubt me, let me go.. there is no need for both of us to hurt any longer
The tears in my eyes could never be enough
Its all too much to hear your voice
To see that pain in your eyes caused by me..
My weakness for love has become my weakness in life
You are all that I want in my life…
I need time to make this right
Out of nowhere is where I found my love for you
Out of nowhere, I seen what you meant to me
I dont want to be without you
I am lost here.
Waiting...

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Begin Again

Laying under the blankets hiding from your eyes..
Leaving the words that needn't be spoken on the outside
Trying to ignore the pain already on the inside
I feel it in the air
As you walk away.. the tears are set free.. while im bound by my breaking heart
I have seen the love that you are..
I have felt what i wish to deny
Time and time again i throw the words to the side and run from you
I dont want to know
what you would think
I dont want to see
what you would do
If i say it..
Push it down, hide it away
Shy away from what will fulfill you
Numb to my own senses.. but not ignorant of what i can become
I can wrap myself within your existance and see nothing
I can stand outside and watch as you stand alone
But how long will you stand there waiting to get inside?
How long will you wonder what is going on inside my mind?
Im content to fall from grace
Willing to give up the good to receive the truth
Im tired of who I am..
I am ready to end.. to begin again
To speak the shameful truth
To release our souls from doubt
To stand before you
look into your eyes
hurt the man I have come to love
With or without you.. I cannot be what i had become
I was foolish with freedom
Consumed with hiding in a fantasy
Even now this glass tower must fall
Starting again
Walking out into the sea of faces
alone
waiting for a sign.. again
You walked to me on that swing when i asked for a sign
You took my hand and held it as i thought
What have i done
Unfaithful.. why have i become my worst enemy?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

So this is the first time.. for the last time
I know what i see in your eyes and i cant ignore it any longer
Ready to walk away.. when i really just want to stay
Stare at the sky with you for a while..
Time was all i asked for.. and i took too much
Now its too late to give back the time i need
Its too late to walk away from myself
Too many thoughts
Too many dreams..
Too much heartache if you were to walk away
Ask me to stay and i will..
Test me to fight and i will die trying
Show me where you want to go and i will follow
So i was broken.. maybe i still am.. but i am finding all the pieces again
Could you stay awhile
Maybe show me where it is I meant to go
Take me in your arms again..
Let daylight come.. again and again
Im afraid to show you where I have been
Im afraid to let you hold onto something so unstable
buT IM TRYING... IM LIVING.. iM DANCING.. iM WONDERING
iM WATCHING you go through your motions as my heart breaks
Im watching you walk away everytime we speak
Im searching for you.. the man i once loved and i fear he may not be coming back
Sometimes in life you have to cut your losses because it tears you down too much to stay
Im lying awake tonight.. every night.. hoping you find your way back to me
That one day you will just show up and everything will be behind us..
But its not.. i can no longer sit hear and listen to you hate me
I can no longer take only my shame but the way you break me down at will
Im already breaking.. why are you trying to shatter what is left?
Im already bleeding.. why are you still stabbing me?
I need who you once were..
Are you even still there?
Im already trying.. when will you?
Surrounding yourself with distractions.. yeah i know it feels good
If you truly wanted to get through this, you would be here with me right now
You dont want to make this work.. you want me to be what i am not
You categorize who I am by mistakes I have made
A liar.. a cheater
Thats not who i am.. it is what i have done.. and I hate what I have done..
I do not hate who I am
Did you forget I told the truth as well?
I can only hold on so long
I can only take so much of your lashing out
before i try to protect myself from you...
You deserve to feel
You deserve to tell me how much it hurts
You tell me I dont listen
I dont see it your way...
I cant see anything but your way.. and although it doesnt feel good
I let you come out at me
I let you tell me everything i have done was wrong
I let you call me things that make it easier for you to deal with what i have done
I love you.. and I am trying to help you through this.. even if it hurts me more
I sit there crying and you tell me im not hurting
I sit there begging.. and you tell me I dont want you
I have rendered myself helpless