Been a long time since I visited my super secrety place.. sometimes I even forget the password.. I do have the memory of a freeze dried Pea.. but yeah. Been doing a lot of Non-thinking lately.. I do NOT want to think and I do NOT want to do.. and yet the anxiety of all the things i need to do and think about feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.. this cycle of avoiding and re-avoiding is most likely not taking me to higher grounds.. because I already feel my feet getting wet.. and I HATE wet socks.
I am afraid for the most part.. hence the anxiety.. I am mainly afraid of failing at school.. HELL I am afraid that if I dont get shit done that I wont even get in this semester at all.. I HATE that I have no one to tell me what to do.. because one minute I thought I had done everything I need to do to register for the fall... and in this minute, I have discovered that I still need to get a HS transcript AND take the act compass test at the college to place me in the correct level of classes.. The good news is the test can basically be taken anytime.. the bad news is.. I NEED TO STUDY for it... and what havent I been doing? Studying.. Why? Because I am afraid that my brain no longer works.. so afraid that I am trying to shut it down.. Can you hear it? The screeching brakes?
I have called the school city of hammond Thrice now over the past 3 days and left 2 messages.. today I spoke with a receptionist that said "Well they leave at 3:30" and I kindly replied, "I called before that and 2 days prior and left messages and no one is returning my calls.." She apologized for them. I confirmed the number with her and she said I could also use an extension # and she put me on hold while she found it... 2 minutes later.. she somehow hung up.. Wonder if she went to hammond schools? Probable!
I Saw my little sis updated her status earlier to "Please please wish me good luck" wth?? what for? So I tried asking on FB, I tried calling twice, and I texted her a few times... NADA.. maybe she wanted luck so today would be better then yesterday for her? lol Who the heck knows... Needless to say her and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend and I wanted to buy tickets early so we can be sure to get in at a Time her and I both need due to our hectic lives.. and I can't get a hold of her for that either.. grrrrr...
Waiting for Jimmy to get home again.. wonder how THAT is going to go... yesterday he was so Lame. I hate looking forward to him coming home because When he is in one of "Those" moods... I just feel so disappointed and ALONE! it is 4:57pm and there is an 80% chance he is going to text me any minute and say.. gonna be late... Sometimes, well a lot of times I think WOW what an incompetant company he works for.. and then I count my blessings that he has a job at all..So I can't complain about him running late.. he does enough of that for the both of us.. not like we ever and I mean EVER have big plans... nah our existence is basically mundane and predictable.. he will come in, complain about work, being tired, being hot, having to shit (50% chance) ask me whats for dinner, then procede to get his stuff together for work tomorrow, ask me if he has clean *enter random peice of clothing here*, then he will most likely play on his ipod whilst laying in bed or the computer... as he lays there he will ask me to go get him something to eat... from a drive thru.. not from the kitchen.. I will say no, he will Promise something.. anything to get me to go lol.. SO LAME *sigh* Why do I look forward to this again? No really.. why?
Luckily I have reserved 2 movies at the redbox and will go pick them as soon as he gets home.. at least I will have the entertainment to numb my mind.. right?
I have been craving steak lately.. man I seriously want a big juicy tender steak..seasoned to perfection. I can almost taste it.. Too bad if I want steak.. I have to make it for myself.. I should have married a chef! ...and a maid.. and a nanny.. and an outdoorsmen to take me camping and roast marshmallows with me.. :(
I am seriously feeling resentment that if I want to do anything.. I basically have to do it alone or twist Jimmys arm 17 times to get him to begrudgingly join me (is that a word?) I want to go camping. I want to go to the zoo, the beach, the museum.. I want to go hiking, hang gliding, deep river water rafting.. I want to travel out of state.. I want to someday tour Europe.. I want to go for walks, go to the park, go swimming, I want to LIVE... I want to interact with adults.. go on double dates.. have partys.. go to partys..
God I am depressing myself