Saturday, April 29, 2006

Don't say you love me, Until its your dying breath!
Don't lead me on a path that you don't plan to walk with me
Don't pull me up if you only plan to drop me when its all too much
Don't cry for me to love you... You know not what you ask!
Don't wish for someone like me... You know not what you want.
Don't build your world around mine... its not a strong foundation.
Don't crave for my arms around you, because i will never let go
Don't wait for me to love you... I already do.
Don't swear on eternity, if you do not understand
Don't pray for my Love if you dont intend to accept it with all your heart
Don't swear you will never give up on me... if you are weak.
Don't chase me, if you cannot keep up.
Don't open my eyes, if you dont want to open yours
Don't let your heart beat for me, if you dont want to live.
Don't hold me, if you need to let go
Don't give me your heart and soul... cause i refuse to give it back
Don't cherish me, unless you do it for all time

I am not a game. I am not a prize. I am human.
Here on earth just as you.
Suffering, Loving, Living, PRAYING... just like you.
I hurt. I cry. I feel.
So your angel wasnt what you'd expected... but you asked for me to fall... FOR YOU!!
You asked for me... and you walked away.

Never again.

He will never say he loves me again...
I will never gaze into his pure blue eyes
I will never feel his hand on my cheek
We will never laugh together again
We will never dream together again
We will never stand in eachothers presence again
He will never run to the door to meet me...
He will never kiss the lips he couldnt help but stare at
We will never hold one anothers hand as we worship our lord again
He will never read the bible to me
He will never write me such beautiful words as he once wrote
He will never answer my call in the night when life isnt going so right
He will never tell me all the things he loves about me, because he doesnt love them anymore
He will never reach out for me, because i am not the one he wants in his arms anymore
He will never defend me again, because he doesnt care if i fall
He will never miss me the way i miss him, because he is running from what we were and pushing the feelings somewhere he cannot reach them any longer
He will never dream of me and wake up smiling again....calling me in his morning voice i so tenderly loved
I once never had to wonder if he was thinking about me at any point of the day, because i knew he was... now i wonder if he will ever think of me again
We will never have a child of our own, not a Talia or Elijah... nothing
We will never walk down that isle of church and confess our love for one another for the whole world to witness as we once planned...
We will never secretly plan our vows again, because they no longer exist
We will never celebrate another holiday together and thank god that we are together, because we are not.
I will never hear another song that fills me with bliss... because he is gone, I cant relate any longer.
God... why? Why?
I want my angel back.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Where did it go wrong...

Up until the moment I walked into the room monday morning, everything was so beautiful and right...

On our way to missouri, chris surprised me with a wonderful easter reading it and what he wrote, i was clueless he was about to leave me...

"As long as I live, Ill always be there to do anything for you, or go anywhere.
As long as forever, my love will be true-
And as long s I live, Ill love only you!
Happy Easter

(May god shine upon you baby with many blessings this easter holiday. I love you so much and i am totally glad I am spending this blessed holiday with my true soulmate! Thats love lovi and thats you sweetheart.
True passion comes from within, that is how a man or woman is defined!
Always k? Christy)"

What did i do so wrong in missouri? What stole away this happiness i once gave him?

I remember we were at "the castle" and i walked off with my son. A few minutes later Chris came looking for me, I said "Id hoped you'd come" he replied "Ill always come looking for you" Thats when i told him "Thats one of the things i love so much about you baby" and i stopped to put my arms around him and kiss him =)

I feel that I loved him as much as i possibly could. I feel that i took every moment and cherished it... I have so many beautiful memories that he and i made together... so many precious words we have spoken to one another... so much life created when we were together...

I would do it all over again, but i would change a few things...

I would have been stronger and asked him to wait until the divorce was final.
I would have gotten emotional medical help and started my recovery a long time ago had i known he wouldnt lose respect for me being on medication. I thought he would see me as a weak person and i didnt want to lose him. Instead, not seeking help pushed him away =
I would have quit that stupid life sucking game the minute he walked in the door, and held his hand every minute he was in my presence...
I would have went for long walks, taken him out to spend time with my family (even if they embarrased me at times, but hey thats family)

I would have turned on every song we ever shared and danced in his arms every single night before bed...

I would have watched alias with him and learned how to rollerblade just so he could help me up when i fall..hehe

I would have sat and cuddled with him rubbing his hair while he watched star trek...

Id have secretly learned to play chess...just so i could surprise him when he asked me to play...

I would have stayed up as long as i had to that night i put in pigtails for him, just so we could play around like the tards we were...

Id have bought a watch and set it to 422 just so i could pounce on him for our kisses AS soon as 423 hit... nothing should have been more important

and i see this all too late.

I promised to love him like he has never been loved before, and i failed.

I would have sang to him the song i promised to sing to him on our wedding day "From this moment on"

I would have married this man blindly at the altar... and through everything, I honestly still would. I dont care what the world thinks, I know that those that care about us, hope to see us back together once again... being "That couple" yeah... That Couple!

Monday, April 24, 2006

"i cant remember where i was before you
and i cant imagine where id be without you
so on the day that celebrates you coming into this world...
I celebrate the day of you coming into my life"

a birthday card that made me think how badly i wanted to be hearing thos words from him on my birthday...

Sunday, April 23, 2006


"Me? How about my fiancĂ©...yeah. That’s way more interesting! Her name is Katie. She is most definitely the woman of my dreams and my twin soul. Wonderful and precious she is and such a beautiful smile she has and with one glance should i could fall in love with her all over again. She is the kindest most generous person on the face of this planet. She truly is worth wars to be fought over for her..."

How could I not be in disbelief that this wonderful person doesn't love me anymore?

I have decided to write myself a goodbye letter from christy...

Hush my precious angel
You have fallen and broke your wings
Forgotten how to fly..
Forgotten why you fell
The world around us has not paused their lives in the aftershock
instead we sit miles apart, with our heads in our hands and our hearts on the floor.
Our souls will never be free
Our minds will forever be haunted by one anothers presence
Hush my precious angel
I cannot withstand to hear your cries
Your begging for me to stay and hold you just one moment longer
Your promises to change what made things unkind
Shhh...its not your fault
I cannot take away your pain any longer
I cannot carry your burdens by your side
I need to see you stand, but I can no longer carry you
Hush my precious angel
Your eyes are gazing into my soul and you know where to touch me to stir the pain.
The song you sing is one that will shatter hearts of those who have loved and lost... I cannot listen for it to will shatter mine
You will re-open the wounds that i need to heal
My heart may ache into eternity if i do not remove this ring
Hush my precious angel..
I am sorry for all of our pain
I am sorry that you will wake in the night hurting...crying out to me
I am sorry you can no longer be a part of my world
I am sorry I have to be so cold
The birds are singing outside your window, they have not gone, remember me in the way I used to talk to you about hearing them.
The clothes I once wore as we held eachother, still hang in your closet, remember how my flesh was once covered in these.
The space beside you in your bed at night still holds my presence in your mind, remember always the love we made, the way I would look into your eyes, the way my hands carressed your body in pure love....and only love.
The sun still shines in your eyes, it is still shining, leaving the most beautiful brown eyes glowing with the fire of your soul, remember the way I used to admire the many shades of your eyes.
Your lips still pass breath, you are still breathing, remember how i would gaze upon your lips, how i would kiss them at any chance we were allowed, remember that feeling throughout your body each and every time our lips met.
Your heart still beats, you are still alive, remember how I swore my heart was beating for you and only you...forever. Remember how you would lay your head on my chest and listen.
Our picture still sets on your nightstand, we were once so alive with passion, remember all those moments we captured, in our hearts, our souls, and our minds. Remember how each and every moment we spent together was precious and real... no one can ever take those moments away from you. At times you may wish you could erase them all, but they linger.
The letters I have written to you in my many confessions of love that i swore was endless, may have ended but remember I believed in myself as much as you did. Although I may have failed you, I know I will never feel that way for another person on this earth
Hush, you are a precious angel
Too much for a mere mortal like me
All the promises I have given you, I am taking away
All the dreams we built together, I am tearing down
I didnt come here to leave you
I didnt come here to lose
I didnt come here believing that i would ever be without you
I didnt come here to find out there was a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by my faith in love
...and i lost faith.
Im sorry, I have to go.
"Im not accepting this is real until you come here and leave, then call me and say when can I come back"

In a world as cold as stone... must I walk this path alone?

My father cried with me last night... last time i seen him cry was when i was in the hospital 6 years ago.. on the night that god said No.. you are not leaving this way. He said, "Im crying because when you hurt.. I hurt.. and its killing me. I Need you to get better. I Need you to come out of this...for us. Please Kate...I need you in this life."


Even in my darkest hours I am pulling down on everyone around me...they are trying to hold me up and carry me through this, but my heart, my soul, is cemented to the very spot of where the destruction of what I thought was Forever. I am supposed to love him into eternity, but without him there is no where left to go... no where else Id rather be but settling in the memory of "what was"

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Be with me now...
please let me rest with you in my presence lord.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm!!

I dreamt of him last night, I was finally able to sleep...
He was sitting across from me and my heart was all put back together.
This has truly changed me and everything I have always felt for him is so much more intense than it has ever been...
I pray that his ability to talk to me will come soon.
I pray that he has faith in love Above all!
I read a prayer he wrote for me last year... I cried and I smiled and I put my tiny ounce of joy in a bottle for when I will need it the most.

"A prayer. Jesus. The King of Kings. The lord of lords. The alpha and Omega. I thank you. I thank you for bringing Katie (my eternal beloved) into my life. I thank you for everything you have done in our relationship. The perfect timing. The perfect words that were said. I thank you for the wrong word or actions that were taken place. I thank you for that because it brought us even closer and stronger in each others souls instead of pushing eachother away we grew tighter within eachother. Ithank you Lord God for your love which in turns allows us to love. My love for this woman is far greater than anything imaginable. I confess at your feet lord. I confess my love for this woman. This perfect woman that completes me. Lord if i were to break my heart in two and throw a piece of it away I know that the piece she has will fit perfectly into mine making me whole...making us whole. Lord please continue to bless our life, our futures, our love for eachother. There is no end in sight. Only new beginnings. And our beginning is about to commence. And with you by our side we will triumph in all obstacles. Lord. I thank you yet again. *deep breath* . Amen."

Far away lyrics

Far Away - Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
if I don't see you anymore
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing,
'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go

Pulling through...

I am putting my faith where it needs to be right now. In love, In god, In Chris.

I saw you... You were a sign.
I didnt hear what you were saying but i saw the look in your eyes
I couldnt understand why i wasnt enough
Im lost without him
Calling out in the night
Praying for the words that he intends to marry me as soon as things are right.
"This is not over"
Those words, the tiny ounce of hope he left in my soul...steal my heart and run it far from where I stand.
Those around me have become a life support system
waiting for the call to turn it off
We went through hell to be together. We pulled eachother through when one was weak, we carried one another.
I want to remain strong for him, with him.
I want to offer the comfort he needs right now.
Mom says I should write because thats what im good at.
I thought i would be able to write through this, but no words are coming to me, only emotion.
Im so scared he will never return to me..
I promise I am not trying to make his life harder
It is hard enough for me to pull myself together to live my day to day life. Is it so wrong in the middle of the night when the thoughts take over me I reach out for him?
I went through some of the emails we have shared and god they made my heart so warm.
I drew him a picture...of one of the last greatest moments we spent with eachother..

It was of a purple tree in the storm we held eachother in...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

So lost.


I am asking you for guidance right now. I am asking for strength.
I am asking for peace in my soul...
If chris is to not return to me, please i beg of you give me the will to live. Share with me your heavenly love. Embrace me in my lonely hours that are to come if he leaves me. Both of our worlds are falling apart without eachother, but only mine will be better if he returns. I am not enough. I am simply not enough. Forgive me if I m not strong enough to go on.
Please forgive me.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Im trying so hard to tell myself that he is gone..
Mom pointed out the 4 things he left me on his desk
Our baby, the ewok he bought for me in Florida, in happier times id say, hell any time before today was a happier time
A picture of him sitting on our bed, a picture that I had spent many lonely nights crying to, looking at, sleeping with, praying for...
His bible he dedicated to me...promised to buy me a bible and found it more meaningful to give me his...
Our engagement ring...I have given you my heart and soul now I ask will you accept it? Yes baby, I do. You are My soul, You are My heart. You are the storm that guides me. I know your confused right now, but god is sending me so many messages today. You are making a stand for what you believe in. You are doing what is hard for you and I both for your place at the throne with our lord. For our place there. And if you never return to me, just know I am putting this in God's hands, he will not abandon me. When he makes a promise... he doesnt go back on it. He doesnt make mistakes. I am not Your mistake. I was created for you, and you for me... I will take your memory "into eternity" as I promised, and my promise will stand just as one should. You are such a precious soul, and by now I wish things had been different. I wish my bed was warm with your body. Instead cold sheets await my arrival. I wish this pain in my stomach were only from not having the will to eat. Instead it is the emptiness of my soul that has I wish I had loved you every day as it were our last day together. Instead, I depended on having the rest of my life to catch up on the love I should have given you yesterday. I wish as I wrapped my arms around you crying and pleading to god to keep you with me, that he had answered my prayer. Instead silence. I wish you had kissed me goodbye and promised to return. But instead you told me to remember you love could I forget?

Now you can see why I felt I could never love again. Now I see why I should have trusted myself for once. But again I side with the fact that I believe you were sent to me by god himself. I believe You were "the one" he has wanted me to prepare for. I believe in God's will. You showed me the way to him. You made me want so badly to be a better person. Your love for me, and my love for you made me understand a tiny ounce of how unconditionally jesus loves us. One day it just dawned on me as my understanding of Christ often does...I couldnt Fathom the amount of Love he had in his love EVERYONE as much as I loved you.
Now I can almost fathom other things Jesus went through. Sacrifice.

Mom forgot to mention one thing you left for me...

But she said baby, look at the things he left for you here...
This is your answer.

She gave me the longest hug ever before she left.
She told me, He is doing what he feels is right, he wasnt ready for you, he may never be. But you have to let him do this, even if he isnt coming back to you. I know she is worried about me coming out of this alive. I told her goodbye and when she left, fell to the floor to cry once again.

God, when will my time come to live life with happiness? When will my suffering end? When will you bring him back to me?

...never let go

Christopher walked out on me today...
The shock is gone and the pain has set in. I am dying.
He tore my heart in little pieces and let them lay there on the floor as I begged him to stay. I pleaded for him to stay that Id make myself better Id do anything for him to stay...he denied me. He looked away and said he wishes I understood. His cousin said to me, just let him go, and I replied "Would you let him go?" she didnt reply...

I am so scared and helpless, my world just left me. I told myself I didnt want to answer his calls, then it scared me that he wasnt calling at all... so I broke down and called him, only to have my pleas denied once again.

Why have I become so easy to walk away from?
How could he just say he made a mistake?

Baby, I love you more than this breath I am dreadfully breathing right now. No one could ever understand our love. No one will ever know the sacrifices we have made for eachother... but now I am the one being sacrificed. He said he didnt know if there was someone out there better for him when I asked if he thought there was. In fact, the only thing he said to most of my questioning and pleas is just that... "I dont know"

I need him so bad god... GOD PLEASE bring him back to me, I double my promises to never forsake this man. I swore I would give my life for this man, but is this what has become? Am I to give myself internal death for his happiness..God why was I not enough. Please answer me this time, I have spent over a year opening my life to you, allowing you to mold me and become what you want of your children,,,, what lesson am i to learn from this? Can you hear me? Bring him back to me... please please please......

"I turned the world upside down just to be with you"

I had to leave a message because he wont answer my calls anymore...

Im not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of losing you... your the only reason im trying...everything is clear to me, till i hit reality and i lose it all...i lose itall....

I have lost it all...

I thought he loved me enough to get through this. I thought being together was enough, and at times I didnt believe was enough and he stopped me and made me see... it was. I want to be there with him so badly, I want to be in his arms rght now, I dont want these tears to burn through my eyes anymore... Baby...

come back to me.

I never looked away from you.... or our love, I never planned for anything other than to love you and only you for the rest of our lives...
I pictured our future over and over again, and i was scared, but you were by my side. I can't go on without you my love. I refuse to live until I am living with you. Don't let this be the end of what we were meant to become...You know god gave us free will...and yet you know he inspired our love... He will forgive us baby. He will. I know this.