Monday, January 30, 2012

It doesn't matter how high you hold your head up..

...When you are walking at the bottom of the sea..

This past month and December have been 2 of the worst months I have experienced in such a long time. There is a pain and an emotional instability that I never thought I would have to face again.. but then, out of sight out of mind. Once I had made it through times such as these, I had forgot how insane I had been driven to become :(

You know, being here and writing, sharing, feeling, was a place I wanted to be, then the havoc in my life started and I felt myself pulling more and more away from the things that made me feel good. On top of the chaos, full time school started up again and for the first time I heard myself say outloud during a break down.. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about school, I just want to give up trying. Hours later after I was somewhat stable again, I couldn't believe after all of these years of dreaming and praying to be able to go back to school, that these words had come out of my mouth.. I was ashamed and yet, I still couldn't find it in me to fight anymore. Not that day anyhow.

At this moment, I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm, or holding on in the calm after the storm.. I dont know what is behind door number 2, I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring, and I don't know where the hell I am going to get the strength to make it through anything else..

I avoid using details because A. some are embarrassing, maybe even shameful.. traumatic but not something people talk about. B. Some of these things are a matter of life and death.. although it is not my life or death, it will extremely and has already extremely effected my immediate family and myself. C. There is a poetic beauty to every tragedy, and in my vagueness, I plan to find something beautiful in the end of all of this. A way to harness the emotion and paint a story.

Sometimes when you are lying there bleeding.. you have that moment of serenity and clarity.. perhaps that moment of hope and strength.. I think those are the moments that have pushed me to just make it out alive one more day...even though the war is not over, and I see no end in sight.. what doesnt kill me.. will EVENTUALLY make me stronger.. *sigh*

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

No one is listening..

I often find it strange that I am writing a blog and I feel I am speaking to someone..
but no one is listening..
But then I feel maybe one day, my past will be interesting.. and they will search for these tiny treasures in the world that meant something to me..
Like a beautiful song implies, it isnt until you are dead when people start listening..
Maybe this is my way to live on forever..
I have kept written journals from my past locked away in my closet.. perhaps someday.. someone from the future will care enough to read them..
I guess no one has found me interesting enough to want to know everything about me.. every thought, every care, every worry.. every random quirky epiphany I had on that day..
Luckily I find myself interesting enough to archive these things of my life.. and I find it just as interesting to go back and read my lonely words..
Am I in love with myself?
Someone needs to be hahah!!
I have so many friends that pretend to care.. but do they? Is it so wrong to want someone to be enthralled with me? Is it so wrong to wish I found someone that I could feel the same about?
I am starting to wonder if my dreams and beliefs were too far fetched to begin with..
if my ideas of Love and soul mates have become more of fairy tales and daydreams.. things that do not exist.. But why cant they?
I cant be the only one..