Monday, May 30, 2005

All I've ever wanted *lyrics*

If you only knew
What I feel for you
If you only lived for me
the way I lived for you
I'd be in heaven
My dreams would come true

'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you

If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
Because I live and breathe for you
And I really need to know

That all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you

Everything I do is for you
You are every part of me
And I don't want to face
Another day
Alone
Without
.... your love

'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
All I've ever wanted
Is you

Thursday, May 26, 2005

As the world falls down *lyrics*

As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes,
a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes
There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world)
falling down

Falling in love

I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world falls)
FallingFalling

As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love

As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love

As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
FallingAs the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
FallingFalling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

"The frozen moon" (2000)

October 8th 2000

The night carries a stilling calm
It has a way of empowering my soul
All at once it feeds me my highest point of mania....with my lowest trench of sadness....
The moon looks as though it has been Frozen in a black pond
...and it will not move until the morning sun thaws it out

It is different than most nights
Every breath I take is crisp
...I can hear it
tearing through the silence
It is as if it is my first breath

Does the night poison my mind?
With its blanket of darkness I feel a different part of my soul come to life.
I often wish for eternal darkness
To me, the night is the most beautiful thing on this earth.
I hold the rain second highest to it.....Especially storms.

I would like to live in a world...that it is forever night...with a storm always on the wind...

Oh...what a wonderous place!

FairEden'

This I promise you *lyrics*

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...
Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..This I promise you..
Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...
And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby
Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...

"Decide" 2003

Life is like a river...it flows
sometimes you drift down the river slowly
enjoying the scenery
taking your time
to breath in
sometimes you run into the rapids
that throw you around
fast moving
exciting
scary
all in the same instance
then you come to a point in your river
there is a branch embedded into the side ofthe riverbank
trapped....caked in debree and mud
standing still
this branch was once part of a great tree
a living thriving tree
it once flowed within the river
of life
now it stands still as life passes
this branch is not dead
you see one tiny green leaf growing from its almost pathetic grey bark
you see hope
you grab onto this branch and you hold onto it
life passes you by for a while
you refuse to let go of this branch
this once beautiful branch
you know if you could only set it free...it will grow and strive again
the river flows on and slowly pulls you
harder and harder
your grip grows weak
your palms become bloody
being torn from this branch
you feel this pain as your blood drips into the water
diluted....
floats away
You are pulled further and further down the branch
you are now facing this tiny green leaf
one last time you strengthen your grasp
you cannot risk tearing off this tiny green leaf
the leaf sets...right there in your face
you are so close to it
you see tiny buds around it
with tears in your eyes you have to decide
do you give up and let go of this branch, again releasing yourself into this river of life?
Do you hold on just a little while longer while time stands still?
While you risk losing your soul?
Do you find a way to crawl out of the river and lie there in the mud watching to see if this branch will grow without you saving it?
slowly becomming embedded yourself?

Random 2003 entry

There will never be another tomorrow...
I know not the answers to the questions that riddle my mind.
I have battled so far alone...struggled...fallen..
only to bathe in my own sorry.
Left to learn to stand once again...
Left lying on the ground...staring at it with hate and pain in my eyes...
tears drowning my curses to god to take away this sufferance...to end this misery.
Take my life in empathy.
I have pleaded at night when only god can hear me...have mercy on my soul and let me go..

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

"A mistake" 2003

"A mistake is something you would have changed if given the chance"

Ever just need to write, and have no one to write to?
I feel like I have said everything I can to anyone I have felt the need to say things to.
Every day I exist here...on earth, so many stories.
Seems my failures have become more interesting than my sucesses.
No matter how hard one tries, you cannot completely dissappear from the world.
Even the ones who you love the most, end up hurting you the worst!
In their own ways they abandon you to live their own lives...and somehow forget to include you.

Parents....maybe it is just mine. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame my mistakes on. Maybe I just want recognition of my creation being a mistake. My whole life of failures resulting from one night...one mistake...one accident catipulting into a single person existing only to carry the burden of never knowing how to live.....but only knowing how to exist!

The only feeling I love by is emptiness. My eternal struggle to find the one.
The one who can take away the pain, take away the void. To give a mistake a purpose.
To find the one that makes everything look different.
The one that "can't" live without me, the way everyone else "can".
The one who thinks about m every breath he takes.
The one who will cradle my soul and take away the pain.
The one who will remove all doubt.
The one i can trust eternally.

Do you really think i will be unfulfilled my entire life?

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I know!

I strive to become important.
I want someone to care what I am doing every moment of my day
i want someone to call me multiple times daily just because they miss me
I want someone to feel empty inside without my presence
I want someone to care...about me.
I want someone to share themselves with me their soul, their dreams, their visions.
I need to find "the one" who has his eyes wide open to this world.
The one who sees through it all and is ready to take in an existance he has only thought about his whole life
The one who is tired of existing in this shallow mundane plain of earth
The one who feels my presence within his body whether we are together or apart
the one who craves my every ounce of attention as if my touch, words, and existance are the air he needs to survive

Why is it that god is not allowing this person i have desired since the dawn of time to fall into my arms?
I want to be taken care of, yet independant
I want to be babied yet mastered
I want a man who is able to bathe in his own confidence
but only humble to show his love for me
I want a man who will take control and give control of himself to me as well...
To worship me and in turn allow me to worship him.

Lie Awake with Me...

My body lies motionless in your arms,
your eyes...
connecting to mine in an exhausting gaze .

I pause...only to feel our hearts beating slowly as the light consumes the heaven we had conceived throughout the night.

Our words have grown silent..
Our lips too fatigued to speak..

Fighting the slumber in efforts to embrace this endless night.

The birds have humbly brought forth a beautiful lullaby in their presence.
A song that has been waking the surrounding world as we still lie there....existing..breathing..consuming...

I have never felt so consumed..
I never want to pull away or allow your embrace to fall.
I never want to drift into sleep.

Our bodies entwined within one another,
Our souls eminating into one anothers essence..
We are no longer self.

I never thought it posible to be closer than we have become throughout one night..
and yet every word spoken, every movement made...every secret revealed has drawn us closer.

Lie awake with me my love.
Please do not close your eyes.
With the passing hours, our minds become entranced..
Lying here with you is a dream far from sleep...

The further from reality we fall, the more real we become.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Storm...in the morning light!

My hands have become shaky with confusion...every word of joy, backed by so much intensity . If I were to look into his eyes right now, I know i would see I have done something wrong and I cannot return to where it stemmed from...

He would look away...*sigh* and look at the ground...

Denying everything we had become and walk away!

It has become the pattern i have sewn myself to... being too honest, feeling too much...Being too much! I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...to where the life inside of me was subtle and patient...the silence of my heart and soul.

With my head in my hand I sigh....close my eyes...and remember that love...that place we took eachother...the place we went to when we wanted to escape our worlds...

Drift away into a song...until then...



Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

***Storm.. in the morning light I feel No more can I say Frozen to myself ***

This morning I was rushed to wake with rain in my face laying in my bed...
My window open and I looked through the storm and noticed the green sky...
this sky will never be the same...

Monday, May 02, 2005

You are "The one" (May 15th, 2003)

Thursday, May 15th, 2003
5:59 pm
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.

All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.

*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..

That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..

The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...

His silence has been a delicate array of torture...

HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.

He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.

Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"

He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.

My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...

I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.

It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.

I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
demise.
As it would be mine.

If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.

Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..

Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all

I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!

Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.

..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.

I can almost taste his devine lips..

Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"

because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.

I am different...I know this.

I was MAde this way for a reason..

I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!

I Feel Soul.

I Need Soul.

Nothing is real...nothing...

Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...

To blind you.

I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...

I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..

I am here now.

Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...

Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..

Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..

I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.

Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;

In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.

Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...

I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..

Last chance!

Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...

Are You ready...to be..complete?

Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?

I love you.

You are "the one"

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Could I have been wrong?

Quoted from myself

"Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible."


I was shot down, left to die, 2 years ago almost to the date...in fact about right now is when I discovered "him"

I used to fly through life in a whirlwind, touching peoples lives and flying off with no despair or worries...free I was. Once in my life I took this man with me...i flew with him, I took him by the hand, I offered him a permanent position by my side...oh my god, I cannot help but feel a bit funny right now. *Sigh*

How can one write with happiness inside of them? This is so new to me and I almost feel like laughing out loud right now. This IS sad. I am trying to work around this Light in my life and still be an effective writer and yet I am smiling and my soul is fighting my mood music...have I been shielded from the pain again?

....after I took my fall, I was unable to fly any longer...my soul had become so heavy with this darkness, I was merely able to hug closely to the ground with a shaky stability as I made my way onward in life.

I have had so many enter into my life and lift me by the arms, helping to pull me onward as I refused to stand.

I am so used to lingering in the shadows that being in this new light makes me feel so vulnerable!

So visable...and yet..who is watching anyhow?

I have realized how blind I am to people around me and yet I thought I was very aware.

(*sigh* Everytime I write the word I it rips at my soul...)

I have counted the days that have passed me by since something amazing happened to me...
something that opened my eyes and my soul recently and I have been silenced with happiness.