Sunday, October 30, 2005

AN ongoing confession of love...

I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me,
the sound of his voice when he is serious about something,
the way his hair tries to escape from his head in the morning.
I love the way he finds a need to stop everything he is doing to tell me he loves me.
the way my one single word can double his heartbeat.
how he thinks about me every waking hour.
How he dreams about me … when we can’t be together.
I love the way he is so gentle with me, emotionally, physically
I love the way he revolves around me.
that he never makes me feel like I am too much.
..Or too little.
I love that we both know how lucky we truly are.
I love that he wants to marry me, only me, that I am the Only woman he has ever loved, how he cherishes my existence as if there were nothing before or after…me.
I love thinking about the love that he will have for his children and mine.
Knowing that one day I will be able to show him what love at first sight is,
Knowing that he will never deny this love we have discovered… this precious… precious love
I love thinking about how close the time is coming to when we never have to be apart again, where we can spend every single night for the rest of our lives lying in one another’s arms…forever. We have come so far baby.
I love the woman he has made me want to become, not by asking but by loving me.
I adore and admire him so much that his love for me helped me realize how amazing I am. If this wonderful person could believe in me, love me, trust me… then maybe I’m not so bad after all.

It took a love full circle to teach me to love myself….
My loving this person completely... the first person I have ever been able to love this way.
Being loved completely, never having to worry about scaring him away with my tears.
I can close my eyes tonight knowing I am loved, knowing my twin soul has come back to me, and Nothing can take that away from me. Not even death can tear my heart from him again. I know God has blessed me.

There are not enough words to describe this intensity…
There will never be enough…
But I will die trying to find them.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Im sorry...

Im sorry for all of your tears
Who’d have known loving me would be so hard.
Im sorry that I loved you silently as you begged me to just say I love you
Im sorry that I couldn’t speak when you wished I could
Id give anything to talk to you and tell you that I will never leave you
Sometimes when I miss the sadness I imagine your gone
I imagine you couldn’t love me the way I need to be loved.
I imagine my heart was too shattered for you to repair
I imagine the distance was one mile too far
I imagine my mistakes were unforgivable
And I cry…
Then I lay my head back down on my pillow and Stare at the wall
Feeling the shock through my body…
My self therapy
And I begin to love you more than I ever have before
I begin to imagine our promises we have made
I imagine the nights we laughed and held one another so close
I remember the simple things..
I remember the times we were so complicated with confusion
I remember how we chose love over all else
How suddenly nothing else mattered but being together
How I promised to never forsake you… my gift from heaven
How you had given me your heart and soul…and a ring that keeps me going until you are here.
I will remember every step no matter how big or small that brought us closer day by day
I will remember Everything.
You have taken my life and made each day Burn a beautiful memory into my soul
You have made every day worth counting and every night worth reminiscing
You have given me a life by your side and there is no where else I would rather be
No where. I belong to you.

Dedicated to My sweetest thing
Christopher Ryan Pearson
October 28th 2005

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

For my love...

An angel lays before me and I fathom at this sight.
His body lie resting in the sunlight…
I step closer quietly careful to preserve the silence.
I can see a glow around him, so clearly
What have I done to deserve such a wonderful being?
What more can I do to keep him here always?
Many nights before, I have dreamt of him
Now he is here and I am in awe.
When he wakes, the world will not fall apart…
When he wakes it will still be a reality far from dream
His eyes are opening…
Slowly he moves his body and takes in the morning air,
He moves his head to find me…and he takes in a breath of relief.
My angel was born to fall
To fall into my life with such grace and determination.
Never once losing faith in me
Never once losing faith in the love he felt for me.
Never once looking away after he knew where it was he had to find me
He traveled through depths of souls…
Spinning circles around them, searching.
Seeking out his gift.
Alone he traveled, so sure of what it was he needed to find
Never settling for less.
And now he is here…
Neither one of are quite sure which of us are the true angel.
But if I am the angel he truly believes I am
And this is the gift I have fallen for,
The existence I chose Over heaven
If this is the soul I needed, before I was ready for heaven
I accept this angel. Open arms.
I will love him into eternity and never look back.
When you have such beauty before you…
You have no need to look behind any longer.

Dedicated to my precious angel I have longed to live for
And die With. Christopher Ryan Pearson.
October 26th 2005

Thursday, October 13, 2005

First Love?

August 12th 2005

“What it takes” Can you believe I used to listen to this song every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed thinking about Ryan Shinkle…hehe!
I thought I was so in love with that boy. Don’t get me wrong, I ended up deeply caring for him as a good friend, like a brother actually. I miss him so much, but I know he is out there now living his life in the Army over seas. He is probably enjoying his life so much more than if he were to stay here with me. Well I can at least hope I am right. Chris tells me, he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to be with me.
     What is a first love? There are so many degrees of love that I only know the things that I have loved the most. As your first love, does it have to be requited? Did that person have to love you too in order for your feelings to have been valid? Do you Always love your first love? Is that Allowed? It seems every time I changed or grew, I loved someone different for different reasons. If you no longer love them, does that little boy I thought I loved as a young child still count as my first love? What are the Qualifications? I wonder if I was ever some ones first love. YES! I am! I am Christopher’s first love.  (
I always see these shows where people are reunited with their first loves after years and years and they still have these feelings for this person even after a failed marriage. Is harboring such feelings for another right? Or did the feelings disappear for the time of the marriage? Does anyone ever truly know what love is? Isn’t or Shouldn’t love be permanent? Forever? If it doesn’t last forever, was it even love at all? I believe I love Christy More than I have ever loved anyone. I believe I love him more than I ever even knew I could love. Loving him has made me feel so alive.  Even in my darkest hour, his love for me gives me light… A light that I never want to go away. For the first time, someone has been able to pull me out of any negative moods I have tangled myself into.
     “Everything I do, I do it for you” Up until recent months I thought this was the cheesiest song ever. I no longer believed that Any human being on this earth aside from myself could ever feel this way about another. “I would give it all. I would Sacrifice.” Is this not what Chris and I have done for each other? More so on his part I believe. Leaving his family, friends, his whole life…just to be with me. Leaving everything he has ever known because I could not meet him in the middle. I listen to this song and I honestly know he would do any and all of these things for our love, and I love him so deeply because of this. He is “the one” I have always wanted. He has told me many times to please don’t question his love for me. He takes everything I say so seriously. He takes my words to heart, and I love that because it means not only is he listening, but also that he cares.

Magic... (ben folds five lyrics)

From the back of your big brown eyes
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
And I hoped you would
We could see that you weren't yourself
And the lines on your face did tell
It's just as well
You'd never be yourself again
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath the blows these cool winds 'round
Trading places with an angel now
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
Saw you last night
Stars in the sky
Smiled in my room

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Maybe tomorrow...

Maybe tomorrow I will find my way home. Maybe tomorrow I will have a home to come home to. Maybe tomorrow My fiance will be standing here waiting for me... running to the door when he hears my car return..
Maybe then I will no longer cry. Maybe then I will no longer die in my loneliness. Maybe then I can breathe.
If only I could close my eyes until he returns, then would I be dreaming of his eyes so peacefully. Instead this ache this pain makes me hate every mile between us. So much anger, so much happiness. My concept of time is non- existant. Only that I live now and i hurt NOW. Knowing the future no longer takes that away. Is it so twisted to push away the one thing that makes you happy? Is it fucked up to not want to smile, to not want to laugh? Should I fall tonight, who would be here to pick me up? Should i lye in my bed dying, who will be here to kiss my head as I go? Should I cry, who will kiss away the tears?
No one is coming to my rescue tonight. No one will hear me cry. No one will see me fall. No one will reach for my hand. Fuck this.

I cannot BE.. until your resting here with me!

Besides... if I were to smile tonight... who would be here to care.. who would be here to smile back?

No one.