Monday, February 07, 2005

You choose to Love...

Like falling from a cliff , feeling the adrenaline...
feeling the rush, knowing that there is nothing you can possibly do to keep yourself from falling. You succumb to the inevitable.
Then suddenly you reach the bottom and you are submerged into this cradle of water.
The deprivation tank.
All your senses are stolen from you,
for they are still thriving in the memory of the fall.
You lie there, unable to come up for air,

left to struggle with the inability to breath.

You hold onto your soul and your life flashes before you.

The memories come in flashes at first...
so many important moments of your life revisited.
Slowly your heart rate begins to slow and you find yourself reliving your memories in a glorified array of happiness...
they are more intense now....
your body stops struggling now.

The water forms to every inch of your body like a glove...
it gives you comfort like no other.
Comfort in your memories...
they Are real!

Then you come to a place in your time line where you remember where you were right before you took the see those eyes.
The ones that have spent a lifetime looking for you...

your heart stops...

You remember how complete you had become, what you had struggled for so long to find, how close you had become to reaching it...
and suddenly you choose this love over the comfort of your memories.
For the first time you realize that this love is better than death.

You choose to breath.

You choose life.

So many years of hurt and neglect...

So many hours a heartache and tears...

Next thing you know...
you open your eyes to "those eyes"
staring at you with tears welling inside them.

"I almost lost you"

He pulled your lifeless body from the water.
He brought you back..
knowing how close you were to losing it all...

For a moment you see your own soul in his eyes...

The water can no longer bring tranquility...
You have chose to live outside its comfort...

You choose to Love.......................

Scorned (a copy paste from july 13, 2003)

This world is no longer mine...
there is nothing here for me, there never was...
I can't breath...
the pain i carry is too much to bear...
the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath..

Please let me die.

I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.

Every night I come home to an empty one there to hold me,
no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.

I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me...
everything that has ever broken my heart.
I still love craig, but I have set myself up to lose him forever.
He is gone and there is no turning back.
I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...
I don't think time will heal this pain. Maybe I have been wrong about love all along. Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.
I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.


I have created was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do.
I am a failure...
these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness. God what have I done. Sorry is not enough...I must pay for the damage I have done. I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.

My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall...
never let in...
Never allowed in.

Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.

Silent vows

Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silence
an interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly,
to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry,
for her sorrow goes by no name...

"Hi Baby" her heart stops.

her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins
and wears his heart as her crown.

The awakening

Its like i have just woken up from a deep sleep again...
Why do I get lost...why do I keep losing myself...
Why is it one day I wake up and wonder where I have been for so long?
I feel like I am 2 people...
and the one I like to be is who I am now...
My heart is emotions on head is so high in the air
I don't even know what is going on..but I don't just here...and that is where I am happy!
I am fighting this hunger inside me with words...with feeling..controlling the pain...
Damage control!

I heard somethign the other night that reminded me of what people have been telling me for years...
"Alot of people love you.... just think they are all wrong!"


Baby Im addicted, im out of control
Your the drug the keeps me from dying...
Your the only reason im trying
Im wasted away
made a million mistakes
Im not afraid of dying
but im afraid of losing you

Baby Im addicted
Im out of control...

current mood: Dazed
current music: Addicted-Enrique