Friday, December 13, 2013

Tuesday Morning


"For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear” (Mark 4: 22-23).

There is a story I feel I need to tell and even now, I feel there are no real words to describe what I need to say.  I am not sure what I should say or what I shouldn’t say, but in saying nothing I find myself suffering in a world of silence alone.

 On Tuesday morning, I made my journey into work (instead of calling to find out if they had anything for me to do).. and even though I had woken up extra early, bundled up Damien for that freezing morning, and drove 20 minutes to work.. They had nothing for me to do.. and I smiled through their apology and was actually relieved and already imagining my nice warm bed again as I walked out of the door..

I walked out to my car, buckled my still sleeping son into his car seat, and proceeded to get into the car.. Before I could even put my key in the ignition and turn on the car.. the man standing directly in front of my car grabbed his stuff off of his trunk, took 2 steps into the road we were parked along and was instantly hit by a speeding car from out of nowhere… I saw him fly through the air and land 10-15 feet away.. I couldn’t believe what was happening.. I STILL cannot believe this happened.. but despite my belief.. I blinked and instantly bolted out of my car screaming for someone to dial 911 as I ran towards the man laying on the road.. The driver of the car stopped and got out and stood there in shock. I got down to my knees asking this man if he could hear me, my own voice is still echoing in my head “Sir, can you hear me, Sir, can you hear me?” within seconds of no response, no movement, I had my phone in my hand dialing 911, I continued to talk to him and was trying to check his pulse. It was 5 degrees out, my hands couldn’t feel anything.. The first person to run up to me I told to run inside and call 911 Again from a Land line. I was told once that cell towers can pick up emergency calls from different locations.. So I wanted to be sure the closest dispatch was reached.

Within probably 2 minutes, which seemed like eternity.. people came in to help us.... I finally heard his name, Chuck. Now I knew what to call him. I ran to my car and grabbed my cpr face shield.. and as I walked back up to him, getting ready to perform cpr.. I was finally able to see the true damage in the situation.. and with God guiding me.. I knew, I could not save this man.. No One on this Earth.. could save this man… and I slowly put my cpr mask back into my pocket.. reached down and took his hand and said “Chuck, help is coming, the ambulance is on its way, you have a lot of people here with you right now, taking care of you.. We are going to take care of you”. I clearly remember when my mind realized, This is not a lifesaving situation Katie.. It is time to help him. Comfort him, keep talking to him, he hears you. So that is what I did..

I watched him take his last breaths in this world… 3 breaths I will never forget…

 …and I’m left in this place of trying to put together all the pieces, trying to make sense of something so tragic, so upset at how powerless I was..   upset at how abruptly I was reminded of how fragile life and our bodies are.. confused, helpless, alone, in shock, paranoid.. Lost.. in the nightmare of seeing and hearing it over and over again.. I am every disgusting feeling I could ever imagine being..

But also, I am thankful..

Thankful it Was me.. that I know that my place in God’s plan will not always be pleasant, not always be comfortable. My place will sometimes be painful, leave me in tears, give me nightmares, stir my soul in ways that I would not wish on another person..

Thankful God chose this task for me.. sent me off to a place I was not supposed to be.. but I REALLY was supposed to be..

Thankful that through these past few days, when I found it hard to see the light, God continues to send his love, prayers, kindness, words, hands and shoulders to comfort me after this “task” through his people here, walking beside me on earth.. I have seen them reach for me while I was left on what I felt was the darkest, longest, coldest road.. walking in silence… Not knowing where to turn, how to ask for help, What to say.. So afraid to speak and talk about what happened… and I know I am protected, cared for and loved because although I could not ask for help.. It was SENT to me.. lifting me.. calming me..

I am thankful that in the wake of such a horrible event..  I was able to bring a very important message to the grieving mother and the 4 surviving siblings of Chuck.. as fearful as I was to walk into a wake.. knowing no one, but knowing I HAD to speak with his family.. I pulled myself together and took myself to his side once again..

I introduced myself to his mother, “Hello, I am Katie, I was with your son the whole time. It happened right in front of me, I saw it happen and I ran to his side. I just wanted to let you know that He was not alone.. I held his hand and talked to him.. He did not suffer”

She grabbed me and held me tight as we cried together.. She was thanking me over and over through her tears.. for bringing her this comfort, this message.. for being his Angel… and as each one of his siblings took me into their arms and cried with me and thanked me… I felt the pain of crying alone for days lifted.. and I was finally where I belonged.

Nothing anyone could have done would have saved Chuck… but sometimes it is not about saving a life.. sometimes it is about comforting them as they let go..

And sometimes it is not about the person who has moved on… but it is about the people they have left behind..

So, if you have noticed I have not been myself lately, you are right, I’m not the person I was when I woke up Tuesday morning..  

If you think Finals week is what has me “Walking through a nightmare” Close, but no.. I wish that were the only thing consuming my mind right now.. I’m struggling to get through these exams in ways no person should and yes, I am afraid my inability to think clearly may be detrimental to me making it through.

If I haven’t answered your call or your text, I am listening, I am just having a hard time wanting to be social, and honestly, I knew the only thing that was on my mind, and I didn’t want to talk about it.

I don’t know what to do.. I want this feeling out of me L

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Let me not falter.

Even if the sun must set.. If this day shall not last.. If your touch will not return and this moment will be left a memory.. If your lips never return to meet mine with a kiss... If this be the last time you say hello.. Let me not falter.

Cursive no More..

So most people may or may not be shocked that the art of cursive will no longer be taught in school. This bothered me.. This bothered me quite a bit that I lay in bed at night thinking,
How will this affect our future? How is this beneficial? Who will it hurt?
and ULTIMATELY.. WHO will it benefit??
 
Although I can see that time in the class room Could be more wisely spent on things other than the ancient art of penmanship.. Typing has become the way of America.. the way of the Future.
 
This concerns me.. and I don't feel like typing these concerns all night, but how long will it be before we no longer teach our children how to SPELL, because computers will spell it for us? But here is my main concern.. Back to the question WHO will this benefit?? I think I can say it simply with one picture..
 
 
WHO WILL BE ABLE TO READ THIS IN 80 YEARS??
 
WHO WILL BENEFIT IF AMERICANS CANNOT READ THIS??
 
IF EVERYTHING IS LEFT TO TRANSLATION BY THOSE "SPECIALLY" TRAINED TO READ CURSIVE.. HOW EASILY CAN THE TRUTH BE CHANGED??
 
NO MORE CURSIVE?
 
WHO MADE THAT DECISION ANYWAY??
 
Thoughts?
 
-Catherine Dodson

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Atkins, Antidepressants, and Induction= No weight loss

Well, as most of you know, I have a pretty extensive history with Low Carb/ Atkins being fairly effective and Easy for me to lose weight on. Recently I decided to re-dedicate myself to the Induction phase of Atkins starting January 1st following an emotionally, mentally, draining situation (november & december) that occured causing me to not only fall off the wagon so to speak, but attempt to become the Size of the wagon as well.

I started taking Zoloft 100 mg every other day in June 2012. In November due to some overwhelming emotions and mental instability, I was then put on Zoloft 100 mg once a day and Klonopin (anti anxiety med) 1mg twice a day. In december, my doctor added a mood stabilizer Buspar..
Ok enough with those details heh..

So back to January 1st.. woohooo, I am so excited, I am SO ready to get back on track and undo the 12 pound gain that crept up on me in my ignorance since October.. but I wasn't going to look back into 2012 or my mistakes... This was a NEW YEAR, a NEW Attitude!! I dusted off the Ol' Low Carb Support Group I started on Facebook and started putting the word out that it existed for anyone who wanted to be a part of it.. Over days, I watched the group Grow and flourish.. over 100 new members. All struggling. encouraging, living, eating and learning by my side.. I have a GREAT Low carb support group.. because of this group I am not only active in my OWN weight loss mission, but I am kept on task as I make sure to help/advise my peers along the way. I'm drinking more water, adding back some exercise I had been skimping on, not cheating at all.. I am on a perfect road to weight loss!!

So, January 12th, I folded and decided I was going to take a peek at the scale.. I have done this before... Induction is a beautiful encouraging time of shedding that excess water weight in week one and starting the down hill trend it weight loss.. I just KNEW that holding back from the scale for those 12 days was really going to pay off Big time... WRONG!!!

I think time stood still as I stared at the SAME number I was looking at in December... NO Loss, No Gain.. just 12 days gone and nothing to show for it except the tears and confusion left on my face. This isn't possible. I did everything right. Hell, I am a veteran at this lifestyle. I know my body, I know the rules, I have learned over the past 9+ years what works, what doesn't, what is controversial or debatable.. I know all the ins and outs.. or so I thought.

There is one little thing I never knew.. because it never pertained to me or my lifestyle before now..

"What medications interfere with or need adjustment during Atkins?"
ANSWER: Virtually all medications interfere. The most incompatible medications are:

  1. Diuretics (water pills)
  2. Psychotropic drugs, including prozac, -->zoloft<-- , lithium, etc.
Whoa.. Wait.. WHAT????

Yeah, after hours and hours of reading hosts of forums, faqs, complaints, experiences of others.. finally it is all making sense.. but at what cost? Am I ready to ween off this antidepressant RIGHT before Nursing school starts, before I embark towards one of the biggest Accomplishments of my life.. am I willing to take that chance and use mind over matter, even though all along I have always felt this depression inside of me was chemical (meaning I can't just tell myself to feel better.. My chemicals won't let me)??

Well, the strong willed person that I am says YES, Start weening, You want to lose weight, and losing weight makes you feel good about yourself, gaining weight sends you spinning into an emotional tornado. Losing weight and "Controlling" it gives you One thing you have control over... afterall, don't we all like to know we are in control?

So, I started weening off of the zoloft, immediately started every other day for the first week, then I weighed in thinking Surely one week at half a dose should show Something...Wrong again.. I did not lose even One pound.. HOW THE HELL could this be happening to me???

Back to Google, *How does Zoloft affect your metabolism* *Why does Zoloft make you gain weight?* *How long does it take to lose weight after Zoloft* *How long does it take to get Zoloft out of your system* *What are the side effects of quitting zoloft cold turkey....*
Yes... I went there.. I want this stuff OUT OF ME!!!!! It can't kill me right? I am sick of trying SO HARD to lose weight, the only way I know how (Atkins) and seeing NO results at all! Every day I stay away from the scale I tell myself surely I must be losing weight because this is how I lost it before.. and the longer I stay off the scale, the bigger weight loss I am going to see!

 I stepped on it this morning after No ZOLOFT for 4 days.. Induction level foods for 22 days... I gained 8 oz......................................

Really??

So, needless to say, I am a wreck right now emotionally and mentally because I decided I wanted Zoloft out of me ASAP, which has its adverse withdrawal effects, but I don't care, I will suffer through them and deal with it as it comes.. I am still taking my 1 mg of Klonopin for my anxiety each morning and my mood stabilizer... From what I have read, it may take over a month for my body to return to normal after quitting. I may not see any results from atkins for Another month??? Seriously?? And that is IF I am lucky, because I also quit smoking in June and I hear that lowers your metabolism by 10% (when you quit) So this whole experience is like a double whammy to me..

I am going to be the troubleshooter that I am and Stay ON the mood stabilizer and anti anxiety pills and IN Induction for now and wait about another month to see if I start Losing weight.. If I don't, I will most likely start talking to my doctor about a different medication for the anxiety.. as of yet, I have not found anything online about the Klonopin or Buspar stalling or preventing weight loss on Low Carb/Atkins.. But God forbid I don't start losing weight.

I can't wait till these withdrawal effects are done and over with, I feel horrible emotionally.. HORRIBLE!!! *sigh* I will just hang in there and see how I turn out in a month.. if I STILL can't kick the depression, I will speak with my doctor about other options that DO NOT mess with my weight...

Disclaimer: I know EVERYONE reacts differently to different medications, I lost 40 lbs successfully on lexapro quite a few years ago, while following low carb. I Also know some of you may be losing just fine on atkins AND Zoloft.. but I am not you. Also, I feel obligated to say this, When weening off of any medication, you should always work with your doctor in doing so. (just an FYI and admission to my Not following the rules)


UPDATE: ALSO.. please please please do NOT quit any medication, including ZOLOFT, cold turkey!! It was a horrible, ugly experience, emotionally mentally and physically.. I was literally in pain from the withdrawal effects.. I DID end up going back on Zoloft the day after this initial Blog, and ween myself properly. Do yourself and your family a favor and do NOT go COLD turkey!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ahhhh Atkins Induction..


A lot of us here are in our first or second week of induction, for some of us it is our first time, for others, we may have re-dedicated ourselves recently..  I think it is time to take a minute to understand what induction does for our bodies and how it works.

I have noticed a few posts about weighing in and having higher expectations, I am the queen of stepping off my scale feeling downhearted and defeated..

But what I am seeing here is I only lost X What can I do more? Why aren’t I losing faster? I lost x amount last week but only x this week.. am I doing something wrong?? I had a friend who lost 13 lbs in the first 2 weeks, why have I only lost 8?

Nothing. Everyone is different. No. and *shrug* lol just kidding, again, everyone is different.

The first week or so of induction you are mainly losing water weight..5-13 lbs I have seen… then you should see a decrease in the amount of weight you are losing weekly

 

Where Do the Drastic Weight Losses On Induction Mainly Come From?

 

The drastic weight losses seen on Induction come from glycogen and the water attached to that glycogen – the body’s form of carbohydrates stored in the liver (to keep blood glucose levels steady) and muscles (for quick energy purposes). That’s why we tend to lose a lot of weight the first week or two.

 

Some of those losses are body fat, but not much. Most of it comes from water as the body empties out about half of its fuel reserves. Those initial losses are not about metabolic resistance. They set the body up to switch metabolic pathways where we predominantly burn fats for fuel instead of glucose. With predominantly being the key word here.

 

Goals of Induction:

1) To induce “Ketosis,” a situation where fat metabolites show up in the urine and can be detected with Ketostix. Atkins likes ketosis as a sign that people are using fat for energy; however, people are going to have varying reactions to the Ketostix. When people are in a state of ketosis, their appetite tends to diminish. They also may have changes in their breath, as extra ketones are expelled from the lungs as well as the urine.

2) To stabilize blood sugar and the symptoms that may come from erratic blood sugar, such as fatigue, mood swings and “brain fog.” Reduction in food cravings is also often experienced.

3) Rapid weight loss. People tend to get a boost when they see the numbers on the scale drop rapidly.

 

 

 

 

 

Now take a look at this groups Induction losses..Look familiar?


 

Also an Article “Week 2 of Induction STILL not Losing weight”

If the fat is not coming off, the scale is not your friend, and your clothes are still too snug.... don't despair! First, double check your measurements. Some people lose inches without losing pounds. (This can happen in any phase of Atkins). If that's not the case, it just means you're amoung the small percentage of people whose bodies are somewhat resistant to shedding pounds, a condition commonly referred to as metabolic resistance. Like life, it's not fair, but we can help you overcome most of the reasons for this annoying tendancy.

Resistance to weight loss can occure for a number of reasons. Some can be influenced by changes in behavior or lifestyle. For example, if you are eating too much, you can learn to moderate your portions. If you are sedentary, you can find an exercise regimen that you enjoy and that suits your lifestyle. Individuals with very high insulin levels are likely to be slow starters meaning that they may lose very little weight (or none) until they have controlled carbs for a longer period of time than people with more normal insulin levels.

You may lose slowly in the week before your menstrual period. Cravings may also be aggravated during this time. Just be patient. Weight loss is likely to speed up once you have finished your menses.

Solving other problems, such as an underlying thyroid or use of medications that either make you gain weight or slow weight loss are more complex, but in concert with your doctor, you can seek solutions.

Then there are things that you simply cannot do anything about : Genetics and age are obviously beyond your control. So is hormonal status - menopause and perimenopause typically slow a woman's metabolism- or a sluggish thyroid. In such cases, you need to readjust your expectations. You may never get down to the weight you were as a younger person, OR it may take you longer than you originally hoped.

Another common reason for your body to resist weight loss is a history of going on and off diets, known as yo-yo dieting. When you get into a pattern of repeatedly losing and gaining weight, your body becomes adept at protecting it's fat stores by slowing down your metabolism.

~~~~~~
additionally the book discusses medications can interfere with weight loss. Common culprits are :
Antidepressants
Estrogen
drugs for high blood pressure
Remember: Check with your doctor before changing or stopping any medications. Talk to your doctor about alternatives.

~~~~~
So, if you are facing less than steady weight loss at this point, it just means that your body is a bit slower to release it's fat stores and your weight loss will likely be more gradual. If you are a slow loser, you may also experience frustrating stalls, when the pounds simply refuse to budge at all.

Be patient! Don't let it get you down, and by all means, don't give up!

(http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/atkins-induction/411311-induction-week-2-still-not-losing.html)

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

...untitled

You said you need me closest
As your words push me away
How can I promise you tomorrow
While you are burning our yesterdays?

Being broken..

Lately I have been searching through a different level of life.. While still trying to maintain my fast paced Momstyle.. I am also amidst one of the most uncomfortable situations in life.. A loved one dying of a terminal illness.
I would say The hardest part for me is taking the role of the strong one... the one who doesn't over react, the one who minimizes emotional reactions, the one reminding those neglecting themselves that they too need to take time for themselves.. And worst of all, through it all I hide and fight my own demons about death. I quietly share my idea if the spirit and shell of bodies we use for earth.. But also I am constantly being careful bit to say the wrong things at the wrong time which sometimes seems like an impossible task.

My thoughts of the day

http://instagr.am/p/SvNjE0jFCj/

by yours truly

First Day of Nursing School!

First day of Nursing school at Joliet Junior College's NEW state of the art facility.. I am actually honored to be a part of the very first group going into this new facility! I am feeling very optimistic now. I was just riddled with anxiety, fear, and/or excitement, but then in a conversation with my dad yesterday it came out of my mouth and was like an epiphany as it happened "I just find everyt...hing about the human body and the processes and the Mixture of Art, humanities and science that is Nursing So interesting. I cannot imagine a day of class that would ever be boring or make me fall asleep! I just feel so thirsty for this knowledge!"

And that is when I realized.. This is what I am meant to be.. I am Going to succeed because it is my destiny!!
 
It was a relief that the two professors I have had so far seem amazing... it truly felt like they Care that you excel, it really is a reflection on their teaching if those if us that made it into the program through the strainer don't pass.. So they Want to see us succeed, another cool thing, they are all just passionate about nursing and it shows in the way they talk to us and direct and guide us...
 
Nurses are just a special kind of person, you know what I mean, they need a heart and compassion on top of professionalism to do what they do, and these ladies have years of experience behind them in The field and they still love it.. It just really shows and they in no way treat us like a number, we are a reflection of their abilities, like their children.. I like that!!
 
I am very excited about what each day holds for me along this path!!

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Missing you..

The last thing I can still hear in my head with your voice is you saying "who loves ya"? these are the first words you said to me after you found out the cancer was back and the fight was out of the doctors hands... YOU were comforting me, when I was speechless.. Through Your pain, you stopped to comfort ME.. I can see why God called you home.... But I wish there were a way to heal all these broken hearts you left behind.. we are all forever changed.. Now what we do with that change is completely in our hands.. Love you too Jim.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

..and now you walk beside angels

...and now you walk beside angels.

 Taken too soon from this earth but living forever in our hearts.. Thank you for every story you told, even when I had heard it many times before, thank you for being such a happy soul that everyone loved to be around, thank you for giving us this whole year of learning how a family pulls together in times of darkness, a whole year of learning to not take any moments of life for granted, thank you for loving me as a daughter and trusting me.. Last night when I left your bedside, I told you I will see you again..

Until then Jim, God needed you to come home.. Don't worry, we will meet you there..
I love you forever and always
-Katie

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Almost Goodbye

This season I find it hard to celebrate The birth of Jesus when we are being forced to let go of someone that has been so precious to The world. God I know that you know what you are doing. I know that you knew our fate before we were even created, and I know that I may never rid myself of this bitter taste left by the unfortunate fate given to this man.

I have watched so many tears fall this past year, so many good people crumble before my eyes, all because of the pain we have all endured together watching helplessly as Jim battled cancer..and as much as we each wished we could take away his pain, we were only left standing with our hands tied and our heads hanging low.. This has been a cruel year, one with false hopes of recovery after a double surgery that was so painful that after that day to now he has not spent a day without pain, followed by a devastating aggressive return claiming that we had only one year left to be a part of what was left of jim's life, and then, as if one year wasn't leaving us all feeling robbed, the cancer had spread from your lungs into your brain, more rapidly then expected and within Weeks you were unable to stand or walk, we have been by you're bedside day and night watching one ability after another being stolen from you..

And helpless we remain as now you no longer wake up, no longer squeeze our hand, no longer speak, and we watch you struggling to breath.. It scares me to see how quickly someone can be taken away from us.. It scares me even more that cancer does not favor good or bad, black or white, male or female.. It is a cruel disease that takes who it wants at will...

I pray that when you pass you will find your place in gods kingdom. I pray that you walk beside Jesus and are finally free of all the pain this life has caused you.. I pray that you can finally rest and not worry about The family you created and are leaving behind.. Because once you cross through heavens gates, you will not worry for us here on earth for we will join you one day.. we will all walk again with you some day.

I love you, and for as long as you are here with us on earth, I will watch over you.. Because I know when you are finally in heaven, you will once again take your place in watching over all of us..

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Broken Hour Glass

So we thought being given a year left with you was devestating enough, it has only been a couple months and already you are no longer the same person you were a year ago.. Last december is when we found out that you were sick. The day before we found out may have been the last day that we didn't worry day in and day out about you.. but today... Today, they took away the year we were given and the hour glass was cracked. In just the past few weeks, you have lost your ability to stand and walk. You have become a person and a personality I no longer recognize. You spend most of your time planning out your next cigarette or beer or pain medication.. and the other part of your time sleeping or staring off into nowhere. They had a party for you last weekend, they called it a celebration of your life, a reunion.. they called it evrything then what it really was, a goodbye party.
I have never been to such a thing, but I was there, behind the scenes, trying to do as much as I could helping strangers I have never met before feel comfortable and welcome, guess that is what I am good at. I bought you a journal and I spent a lot of my night chasing people down asking them to leave you a private written message for you to read. I made sure your children signed and wrote in it first.. and I was near last before I finally wrote the things that I wanted to say. I don't even know if you know I was the one who put together this journal, I have seen it sitting in 2 positions in your livingroom, so I am assuming you have been reading it. I wonder what everyone else said. I hope what I said wasnt too much, or not enough.
Back to my point, today we found out that the cancer has spread to your brain.. It has only been heresay to me, but  I am thinking I heard that you could live a few more weeks or a few more months, but you are still deciding whether or not you would like to have radiation therapy done to your brain tumors. I heard one dr tell you that it would help restore your ability to walk, and another dr tell you that once those abilities are lost, they are hard to get them back, I am not sure what to believe or trust in, but the truth is, radiation will not cure you, only help relieve the syptoms that the tumor and swelling of your brain is causing the rest of your body. I read that some of the symptoms of the cancer spreading to your brain can be personality changes, loss of judgement, loss of speech, and memory loss... who will you be then? It is just crazy to think that we will possibly not even know you anymore and vice versa. That this personality change could be good or bad, but either way, it will be the new you until the end.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Aries Taurus Cusp

A few years ago I found out that I was born on a cusp, which solidified my disdain for being associated with some of the qualities or traits of a Taurus. I just did't feel it fit me in so many ways.. the worst part was always *enjoys the finer things in life* Truly that is not me, I enjoy the simple things in life... ir *materialistic* Yes this too bothered me, because I am quite the opposite...lucky for me, I have been given a new set of astrological traits that I amazingly have found to be agreeable to a better extent than ever before.

April 19 to April 24
Individuals born on the Aries-Taurus cusp have a dominant personality… you always know when they are in the room. They can make quite an impression on those around them. Their forceful personalities make them good leaders when they choose to be. They are also commonly found climbing the corporate ladder, becoming well known freelancers or running any situation, whether it is at home or in business.
Aries-Taurus does not like to submit to the authority of others. They must beware of being overwhelmed by their own ambition. They are conflicted between their Aries and Taurus counterparts. Aries wishes them to be impulsive, energetic and intuitive, while Taurus is practical, sensuous and well-grounded. This may cause conflicts between practicality and dreams. In some cases, Aries-Taurus Cusp works well, with Taurus tempering the fiery boldness of Aries to a strong, determined realism. They may, at times, show a lack of emotional sensitivity that may be alarming to some.
Aries-Taurus must fight their immovable nature with their forceful nature. It may take a long time for them to reach a balance that works well for them. They will need to learn to support their wish for stability with their aggressive side.
Aries-Taurus is good at strategizing; allowing them to overcome what may seem like overwhelming odds. If they follow their instinct, they will know precisely when the right time is to act. Taurus helps Aries to plan each detail in preparation for their goal, so they almost always succeed.

Aries-Taurus should learn to sit back and watch sometimes so they don't overwhelm others. It is difficult for them to sit back and watch others do tasks when they know they can do it better. If they can keep the feelings of others in mind, they will fare well.
They enjoy challenges of all kinds, whether it is in business, sports or intellectual areas. They play as hard as they work. They are known to be flirtatious, bold, opinionated, strong, quiet, talented, sensitive, humorous, money-oriented, eloquent, dependable, practical, patient, aggressive, helpful, aloof, stubborn, jealous, moody, fickle, over-sensitive, quarrelsome and changeable. Quite a handful, aren't they?
The Aries-Taurus Cusp is also known as the Cusp of Power. You can probably see why when they have so much going for them. They have the amazing ability to get into a project and really run with it all the way to its conclusion.
They enjoy doing things for their family and friends, but it is easy to let this get out of hand. They prefer to follow their own instincts rather than follow the rules. This can cause trouble if they are not cautious. They may think they know it all, but they'll get along better if they don't act like it. While plans that go awry make them really annoyed, when they use a practical bent to their tasks, it generally works out better.
Those born on the Aries-Taurus cusp may be mechanically inclined, with the ability to stick with the job long enough to figure out any problems that arise.

..

No matter what I do, I am always going to be the wrong one, the victim, the punching bag..
Being judged from the outside, by people who have no clue what I witness and struggle through each day.. and I am expected to show love and compassion while i'm being beaten down emotionally, spiritually, mentally?? I'm supposed to suppress my own emotion out of..respect?
When you start to loose faith in humanity.. Take a look around At the humans you surround yourself with...

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Don't wake me...



Please don’t try to wake me
Just leave me here, leave me be
I always lose him when I open my eyes
Id rather be lost in this memory
My heart only beats through shallow breaths of sleep
Please don’t come searching within my soul
There is nothing to see, move along
Dare not to wonder what went wrong
Just turn off the light, walk away
Pretend you never saw me this way
Please don’t ask me to try to stand
You can show me nothing I have not seen
No place to take me I have not been
I’ve Already reached for a lovers hand
Dared to dance, already ran
My heart only beats through shallow breaths of sleep
Please don’t think you can change the way I feel
For once I had believed that true love was real
But now I rest on shattered ground
Run quickly from this wreckage found
Please don’t wonder why I have become a perfect waste
I could love you until I am full..
But I am no longer able to taste
So please, don’t try to wake me
As long as I am sleeping, I am being held in his arms
As long as I am able to dream, I don’t have to hurt
I am still dancing when I Close my eyes
He whispers my name to silence my cries
In dream I never have to know he left me sleeping
…in the dirt
I bid you farewell one last time
There is nothing here left to keep
I am serving this sentence
For someone else’s crime
My heart left barely beating
…through shallow breaths of sleep
 
-Catherine D.
 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The HUGE turn-around

 
 
Sometimes my Real life and my Writer's life coincide...

This is one of those moments!! **********************************************************************
Joliet Junior College
Department of Nursing Education, Allied Health & Emergency Services

October, 2012

Dear Student,

...
Congratulations! You have been accepted into the EVENING nursing program at Joliet Junior College for the Spring 2013 semester.
(a bunch of technical stuff I dont need to share here)

Welcome to Nursing!

*GASP*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I imagined myself in a big group of girls screaming and jumping up and down in unison when I got the Phone call this morning!!

On October 10th, I posted this update " Hoping to get an "Acceptance" email within the next 2 weeks, preferably (sp) next week.. Only positive thoughts on this subject.. I am WILLING my acceptance in this program by imagining I am definitely getting accepted lol.. seriously... I Am! :p"

Could it be.. even through all the turmoil, distress, depression.. that one Belief in myself, that one Positive thought sent out into the world.. worked its magic.. and came back to me??

Monday, October 22, 2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Unacceptance

My UNACCEPTANCE LETTER

“Dear Student,
Thank you for applying for the Nursing Program at Joliet Junior College but due to the large number of well qualified applicants this semester and limited spaces available we were unable to meet your request for admission to the Spring 2013 class.
Of the accepted students, the average TEAS V score was 78.6%; the average TEAS V reading score was 85.6%; the ave...
rage GPA was a 3.6; most students had their 6 General Education classes completed.”

I am devastated, emotionally, mentally, physically just sickened by this.. I got this last night at about midnight and I am, well there are no words, well tons of words, but I am embarrassed? Ashamed? Why am I not Good enough??

My Teas V score 81.3%; my TeasV Reading 90.3%; My average GPA 4.0 and why didn't I get in?
The only logical reason is 2, yes 2 of the 6 gen eds that need to be completed only Prior to ENTERING/STARTING the program, I am still taking and acing mind you. But as stated in the application regulations, that is “OK” they only require you be registered and taking the one or 2 classes you still need, in fact you are not even able to apply if you aren’t registered for/completed any of these 6 classes…

So my scores, my GPA, my obvious Amazing Personality and caring heart (that they still have no clue exists) WERE ABOVE what they accepted.. And here I sit, feeling worthless. Like everything I have done is for nothing…

Now, come on a little journey with me, I have never done this out loud before but hell why not, you all already know I am crazy anyway.

There must be a reason for this, and this is how I know. I have told GOD on many occasions, “I will put everything I am into this (whatever I have set my mind to) but I will trust that where I end up and what path you create ahead of me, is where you have led me. I will trust you>” I am not kidding. I know some of you have no clue about my genuine relationship with God and my Faith in trusting his guidance, but is not what I am here to talk about, I tell him this a lot, with ALL of the life changes or choices, I have been through, Every time I have found myself feeling like I am staring at a 10 foot tall brick wall and I want to just break down and give up.. God sends his ideas to me.. He GUIDEs ME and shows me how Very important it is that he has sent ME here to earth, and that I WILL serve my purpose (not just lay there and give up).
When I first returned to school, I was going into Radiology, not because I felt it was something I would enjoy, that would have been Ultrasound technology, and not ALL of that field, only the scanning babies, but we all know, that is not ALL these people do, but I was blinded by the idea and knew JJC, the closest cheapest college I could afford had a Radiology program (which is where you need to start before ultrasound) SO there I went and wasn’t passionate about the idea, I really just wanted to have a career that made decent money. At that point, if you told me, &^%* makes $60,000 a year, I’m not sure I would have cared what XYZ was; I’d have probably went for it. I didn’t care much for the idea of only knowing a patient for 5-20 minutes then sending the on their way and never seeing them again.

(FUNnY SIDE NOTE, MY FACEBOOK JUST FROZE, AND I HAD TO RETYPE ALL OF THIS TO THIS POINT.. FML)

So I was on a fast track to making money and getting a career that I could be “proud” of.. Second semester registration… BRICK WALL.. One of the classes I absolutely needed to continue MY plan was filled, the idea of being set back 6 months was intolerable to me, IM TOO OLD TO WAIT, So I looked around at other colleges and really couldn’t figure a way to either Afford them or drive 45 minutes there and then back 3-4 nights a week.. So I decided.. well hell, I’m already on a medical path class wise, I should aim for the RN program.. I know I just made that decision sound so easy and UN thought out, but I did think about it for a few weeks.. There was so much in my mind that changed about my future with the idea of becoming a nurse, but I do not want to get into this either.. So my path was changed and sometimes I wonder if God isn’t just the one saving me from brick walls, but also sometimes setting one down in front of me to stop me for a moment and give me time to think things through.. Because when I want something I AM definitely like a train blazing towards my destination.

(I just looked up and I say SO a lot in my story telling.. note to self, work on that)

Soooooo….yes, I am hurting, very badly actually, because now I am sitting here in front of this brick wall, I can see the brightest light shining from all around it (yes, I could just walk around it, but it’s not part of my path) and I know I need to sit and think.. WHY?? Why is right now not the time, and already in my life, and in my immediate happenings, I can see some of the possibilities of WHY? But also, FINALLY, I am going to contact Saint Francis University Monday and see if I can receive enough financial aid to be a part of their bridge program.. which is where I take most of my classes at JJC (where I am at) then bridge into getting my Bachelors (with SFU) In my first semester I heard a girl talking about because she was in Phi theta Kappa and her gpa was so great, she got a full ride there… I ALSO fit these criteria, but I also heard their program Is days.. Which is NOT good for me with my job… ughhhh I forgot about that. Anyhow, I am not going to assume anything. I will go there and ask all the questions I need to ask to decide if that is the path I am supposed to take.

I register for classes tomorrow for Spring semester, and I already have had plan B (mental) in the works for a while now with making sure I have the appropriate classes taken in order to transfer to SFU… and also working towards an Associates in Art, so tomorrow, I register for Microbiology, Statistics, and Chemistry 100 (which I’m not sure I need because my high school grade somehow makes jjc say you don’t need it, but I think SFU requires a college credit)
Enough with the details that most of you probably view as radio instructions (lol I always loved that phrase)

The thing is, yes, I want to die, but for some ungodly known reason I am not allowed, so Instead, I will leave, go work out, try to not tell anyone I SUCK and didn’t get into the program this semester because it will make me burst into tears, come home, go to breakie with Jimison, take nunu and the girls to go see Brave, go to church at 5:30, drink coffee, cry more, pray, cry even more, and try to figure shit out… Ummmmm yeahhhhh I think that is it for now… wiping my tears and heading out the door with a heavy heart.

Oh I forgot to mention there is a SLIGHT chance they could call me if enough people decided to not fill their slot in the program, my odds were even more squeezed being that I HAVE to choose the night program so I can still work, and the night program is smaller. The OTHER tiny light at the end of the tunnel.. the nursing program and facility expansion will be finished this spring, so by Fall 2014 when I would start, because there is no reason I shouldn’t be accepted after these classes are out of the way (IF I am even still at JJC) they will be accepting a larger number of applicants per semester. Ok I said it, but no, still didn’t make me feel better.. Guess it will just take some time to swallow.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Stay Alive..



How are We, as humans, supposed to heal and forgive, while we are still being cut open daily? How are we to be able to stop bleeding when the moment the dagger is removed from our heart, it is immediately stabbed into our spine?

I sit in a recovery group... and I leave only to sit in my car and think to myself.. I am Not recovering from anything. I am still living it.

I am merely Coping.

Treading Water. Barely able to keep my head above water. If I were recovering, I would have swam or washed up to the shore after nearly drowning and be laying there. Recovery to me would be sitting there and washing myself of the pain and residue of the struggle, Spitting the water from my lungs. Waiting for the blood to course through my veins again to warm my body. A rescue team rushing in to help me stand as they wrap a blanket around me..

I am not recovering.

I am just trying to stay alive until I make it to the shore.

-Catherine D.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I am a dying man’s worst friend..


September 13, 2012

There is a day coming. A day we must all face in our own way and in our own time. A day that someone we love will leave this earth. A day that he will no longer be here to turn to when we need advice. A day that his laughter or silly jokes will no longer fill the room. We are told he has a year to live. When we were children, a year seemed like a long time. Like too long to wait for something we really looked forward to. We couldn’t wait to be a year older, an inch taller, a grade higher or a step closer to that next milestone in life… But this is a year that we do not want to happen. This is a year that each day will pass begrudgingly as we watch this hour glass run out, as we watch each moment we have left with him blow out the window... This is the year that Hope is no longer in our vocabulary and there are no more straws to grasp at.

Many people have their own ways of coping; some people have no ways of coping at all. This is my way... living it out like a story, writing it from a distance like it is not really happening to me, like we are watching a movie, and at the end of the movie the world will keep turning and the movie will only be a memory left in the back of our minds. This is my secret little place to feel my pain without spreading it into everyone else around me already hurting and lost. This is my place to figure things out along the way... A place to put my memories, thoughts, and fears for this year to come. A way to dig my nails into the ground and leave my mark screaming that I will not let this year pass without dragging me away kicking and screaming.

 

I am a dying man’s worst friend. Not because I do not care, but because I care too much. I am overcome with such grief and sadness in watching you fade away that I do not know how to act around you… and that is what it is ACTING. Because inside of me I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you until I am physically unable to do it anymore. So I find myself avoiding you, avoiding eye contact. Afraid of you, because I am afraid I will break down right in front of you. As if you are not already suffering enough with your own inner struggles, I do not want to become the slightest ounce of added pain in your life. So I hold my breath and try to breathe very slowly when I have to be near you. I am repeating phrases inside my head like “Don’t break” and praying you don’t say anything that is going to remind me, You are dying.

The first time I saw you after we got the news, I know the truth hadn’t hit me yet, it still hasn’t, it has only been 3 days. But now every word you say to me is going to become a painful memory, How can I enjoy another minute with you KNOWING that soon, everything we are doing now, is going to tear my heart apart when I think about it?

“Who loves you?” That is the first thing you said to me after we found out. You wrapped your arm over me as I replied “You do” I fought those tears with everything I am, I stayed strong… for you... and I saved them for now, for this very page. Here where I hide my pain. Here where I am only watching from far away... Safe from the pain.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I want to heal..



 
"You know there is a part of me that will always know the truth.. A part that will never take a street light going out as I pass under it for granted.. A part that will never forget dancing in the rain.. A part that will always know that I am the center of my universe and you are revolving my destiny.. However long you were here, whenever you go.. You will never forget.. That part of me."

This thought crossed my mind as I was out for my walk tonight.. stopping occassionally to take in the moon.. Almost full but still so beautiful.. and I wondered for a moment How long it had been since I stared at it the way I did tonight... and like a flash back the very first time I daydreamed while staring at the moon came back to me, and every other time after that was significant in my life.. I will never forget those nights or the emotion and feeling tied to them... but the truth is, although I will never forget those moments, and never forget those emotions, I despise that I do not get to feel them all of the time.. That they get buried and set aside for mundane day to day life activities. Tucked away, it feels like I have forgotten.. and  I feel guilty when I find it again!

I love losing myself in the magical memories of my past. I love to forget the shadows that are hanging over my head right now. I Love to remember the power I once dwelled in and how euphoric the love I once held was.. I love to taste the fear of the unknown again, before I knew what it was.. or before I never saw what it was again to ever find out..

Tonight, I am just that lost little girl on the beginning of her path to healing this "Unknown" in her life. I want to get rid of all these negative feelings inside me, all of the shame and guilt and pain, I want to heal so I can stop hating everything around me... But WHAT IS KIlling me???? How can I heal from a secret? How can I cope with a Surprise Emotion that falls in my lap and says deal with me? Has the pile become so huge that I cannot pinpoint one moment or occassion or failure or loss or rejection that I am completely LOST as to where to start? Where do I start? Should I write myself a list?
 I think I am afraid of the Truth.

-Katie

Monday, August 13, 2012

Pretend and Seek

There is an ache I lie awake with.. An absence of mind and soul.. Waiting for a new day to begin..
Praying to leave behind what eats at me..
There are many eyes that seek me.. And yet there is that one soul whose eyes have never fell into mine..
And I take him with me into my dream..
I believe he exists, because I have spent my whole life believing in him.. But I have not spent my whole life waiting..
I have existed and made life what I thought it should be
I have taken little comfort in pretending to be complete.. And at times, I thought maybe I truly was.
But the emptiness has told me otherwise..because it is still there to speak at all
Now there are many challenges.. A fortress built around me
And I have become my own demise..

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

August Update

My God I think about this place all the time and how alive I feel when I am able to delve into this part of me and experience the emotional and deepened side of my soul. I regret that I cannot be here everyday analyzing my inner self, my past, my future, my thoughts and words have been imprisoned from being so busy in life but I think sometimes I also run from myself and fear my own thoughts. I know the more I hide the less I feel. I DO want to feel, no matter how raw it may be at times, but I am so damn afraid of everything that comes with it. I can only hope each day that each step I am taking is bringing me closer to an ending in my life that leaves me with a smile!

Monday, January 30, 2012

It doesn't matter how high you hold your head up..

...When you are walking at the bottom of the sea..

This past month and December have been 2 of the worst months I have experienced in such a long time. There is a pain and an emotional instability that I never thought I would have to face again.. but then, out of sight out of mind. Once I had made it through times such as these, I had forgot how insane I had been driven to become :(

You know, being here and writing, sharing, feeling, was a place I wanted to be, then the havoc in my life started and I felt myself pulling more and more away from the things that made me feel good. On top of the chaos, full time school started up again and for the first time I heard myself say outloud during a break down.. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about school, I just want to give up trying. Hours later after I was somewhat stable again, I couldn't believe after all of these years of dreaming and praying to be able to go back to school, that these words had come out of my mouth.. I was ashamed and yet, I still couldn't find it in me to fight anymore. Not that day anyhow.

At this moment, I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm, or holding on in the calm after the storm.. I dont know what is behind door number 2, I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring, and I don't know where the hell I am going to get the strength to make it through anything else..

I avoid using details because A. some are embarrassing, maybe even shameful.. traumatic but not something people talk about. B. Some of these things are a matter of life and death.. although it is not my life or death, it will extremely and has already extremely effected my immediate family and myself. C. There is a poetic beauty to every tragedy, and in my vagueness, I plan to find something beautiful in the end of all of this. A way to harness the emotion and paint a story.

Sometimes when you are lying there bleeding.. you have that moment of serenity and clarity.. perhaps that moment of hope and strength.. I think those are the moments that have pushed me to just make it out alive one more day...even though the war is not over, and I see no end in sight.. what doesnt kill me.. will EVENTUALLY make me stronger.. *sigh*

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

No one is listening..

I often find it strange that I am writing a blog and I feel I am speaking to someone..
but no one is listening..
But then I feel maybe one day, my past will be interesting.. and they will search for these tiny treasures in the world that meant something to me..
Like a beautiful song implies, it isnt until you are dead when people start listening..
Maybe this is my way to live on forever..
I have kept written journals from my past locked away in my closet.. perhaps someday.. someone from the future will care enough to read them..
I guess no one has found me interesting enough to want to know everything about me.. every thought, every care, every worry.. every random quirky epiphany I had on that day..
Luckily I find myself interesting enough to archive these things of my life.. and I find it just as interesting to go back and read my lonely words..
Am I in love with myself?
Someone needs to be hahah!!
I have so many friends that pretend to care.. but do they? Is it so wrong to want someone to be enthralled with me? Is it so wrong to wish I found someone that I could feel the same about?
I am starting to wonder if my dreams and beliefs were too far fetched to begin with..
if my ideas of Love and soul mates have become more of fairy tales and daydreams.. things that do not exist.. But why cant they?
I cant be the only one..

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A few thoughts..

Today was the first "last day before christmas break" that I did not receive one gift from the kids on my bus.. not One card or candy cane or cookie... Not a mug or candle.. just Nothing.. I am not a greedy person, I am a sentimental person who has saved every picture or card given to me in the 7 years that I have been doing this job.. and sadly, I have nothing to save this year.. only the memory of sticky fingers from the candy canes pased out to them and one kid puking on my bus this morning..
Merry Christmas Miss Katie...

Many years I have only received one or two cards or small gifts, like a home made ornament or a candle from the dollar store.. but it was the thought that made me tear up.. and this year Not one parent thought of me.. I remember my first year I was SURPRISED that anyone thought of me.. but they did.. and I was like wow.. maybe I am appreciated.. (and I am going to keep this part of the post non-hostile) There is no magical message to pull out of this.. My optimism has been worn thin this month. So, Yeah, it was a rant.. and I dont care to put anymore thought into it..

So far today I have cleaned up puke, changed a shitty diaper and gained a pound since I woke up eating nothing.. I know its been awesome..

On another note.. I have found a place for my poetic side in an amazing community of support at deviant art.. who knew they had a literature/poetry community.. seems to go hand in hand.. since I have found much inspiration from DA in the past by viewing through the visual art over there.. The great thing has really been the response, the comments, the faves, the friends.. I dont know how, but it inspires me to write.. and also to write better.

I think it is time that my writing takes a new step up in maturity.. I love to eiminate simplicity when it comes to writing and tie in metaphoric messages that few may get, but those that do Really get it.
I hope I can make use of this little vacation from college and work to write a new piece before the new year.. I am feeling creative and can only hope that that in which pours out of me is worth writing..

I dont think I am going to work out today.. I still have a lot of wrapping to do and I need to get it done this afternoon.. NOT christmas eve. This will be my first christmas eve and christmas morning with my kids in about 5 years.. so I am pretty excited and I want to make some memories (hopefully) Anti-anxiety pills here I come lol!!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Awakening..

Wow.. I wish wow was all I could say... but this dream last night was insane..

The simple facts..
I was standing in the mirror and saw about 2 inches of a metal stake sticking out of the right side of my chest.. there was blood around it and I was not horrified because I had seen it there from previous dreams.. i touched it a bit and I could tell that it would move if I pulled it.. but I was afraid.. I moved it about half an inch out and it started bleeding pretty bad.. so I hurried and put my shirt back on and decided to ignore it.. for now

Somehow I was homeless and carrying a baby around.. and I found out I was in another country.. because I kept thinking I need to get to a hospital and get this stake taken out. But I was afraid they wouldnt take my insurance in another country.. I was afraid of what would happen if I pulled it out myself.. would I bleed to death? would there be a gaping hole? I knew I needed medical professionals to be there to FIX me.. I dont know. but I do know it had been in there so long there was scar tissue forming around it..

I was at this homeless shelter.. and I remember hiding my purse and taking a shower with my clothes on in this open gym looking shower next to another lady with her clothes on..I remember feeling like I just wanted to wash my hair.. I just wanted to feel clean..

Now the not so simple facts.. the dream interpretation...

The Dehabilitation
The baby.. well I always have a baby. I have always had my children to put before me and think about first.. but the fact that everything I was doing in this dream was One handed, because i was always holding this baby in my other arm cradled against me.. Always protecting them and yet being hindered by their presence.. I am not resentful of this, but I am dehabilitated by this in  so many ways

Finding Home
I had this overwhelming sense of not being lost by being homeless, but feeling like I had nowhere to FEEL safe. I felt uneasy and worried and controlled in ways by the shelter.. I was not free and I was uncomfortable. It makes me see that this is how I feel in my waking life. Truly and honestly I cannot run and hide from HIM.. even when I go to another place in the house.. he is still here and able to cause damage and he often does.. yelling from the basement or coming up and finding something the kids have done wrong... especially when he is already in one of his moods.. and as much as I should feel that this is my safe haven.. that this is my home and my heart should feel at ease here.. it doesnt..not unless he is at work.. that is the only time I truly feel comfortable being "home"

The Removal
This... is the most powerful message from this dream.. one that many may not agree with, but it is my mind, my emotion, my dream, my epiphany.. and This is the message I received last night through this dream.. or was it through the awakening?
I have had this stake in my chest for years.. i have dreamt of it for years.. and yet nothing ever urged me to take it out.. At any point I ever thought to take it out, I always thought, no it would kill me.. I would bleed to death.. Not this time. This time I started thinking above that.. planning to have the medical professionals or in real life The life saving crew, standing by to repair the damage as best as they can and hope I make it through the surgery....Finally in this dream, I Wanted it to be removed.. i wanted it out and I wanted to stop having to work around it. I was ready to take that risk of seeing what would happen when it comes out. I just Despised the fact that it was in there anymore..
But of course all these roadblocks.. who would hold the baby while I went into surgery, how would i pay for it if this other country didnt take my insurance, where would I go to rehabilitate if I had no home??
I think the message is pretty clear..there are and will be road blocks.. but I am going to prepare myself for surgery. I can't live like this any longer. Its killing me either way. People have told me "You will never be happy" people i once loved or had a relationship with.. and at one point I started to believe this.. but now i am thinking to myself.. "What kind of fucked up person tells someone this?" Just because YOU couldnt make me happy.. doesnt mean my happiness doesnt exist..
I am a pretty damn happy person on my own.. I just need someone with the same personality.

Well I know this may be confusing to some, but it is crystal fucking clear to me..

-Katie

Sunday, December 11, 2011

So Dim...

I just woke up, eyes swollen from yesterdays breakdown, and I am truly not sure if I would rather still be lingering in last nights dream or todays reality.

Yesterday started out as such a good day.. and quickly snowballed into a day that I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say Fuck Everything.. I really dont want to go into details, because what caused this disturbance is done and over with.. The question is, Where do I go from here? How do I "deal" with it? How do I "learn" from it? How do I "accept" it?

I would like to think I am a fairly emotional stable person.. In the eye of danger I tend to not only stay straight faced and void all thoughts of panic, but I take charge of the situation fearlessly. I do what needs to be done. My mind works so clear at these moments... After the resolution.. after I am out of the situation and back into safety.. THAT is when I lose it.. never fails.

My heart just starts painfully ripping itself apart, blame is thrown every which way in my mind, usually at myself, Chest aching, tears streaming, the inability to talk without crying harder.. Hatng myself, my life, wanting to lay down and die, wishing I werent alive, HATING Life and all the bullshit I have to get through just to have one fucking day worth smiling for... What is that? Oh My good friend the mental breakdown.

Apparently this dark shadow took me yesterday and did not want to let me go.. in fact he stuck around in my dreams and is still lingering not so quietly within my soul. In the silence of the morning, before anyone chose to wake me or themselves for that matter... I wake up and get to listen to the silence of the house as the war in my mind seems miles at distance, it may have moved onward, but I can still hear it, it is still visible in the distance, and I am standing here with bodies all around me...

I made it out of that battle alive.. and though the bodies in their death veils seems somewhat confusing to me.. I can only assume these are some my guardians laying there motionless..
The reasons in life
to NOT give up
to NOT hate myself
to NOT choose eternal sleep over all else...

Because these Reasons, these "Guardians", love me so much, they would die by my side..
 They would die FOR me just to give me one more day of breath if they had to choose...

and for me, in that moment of my most recent battle, where I wanted to throw down my defenses and let the darkness take me away.. where I was so weary and exhausted by battle after battle, one hit after another, constantly defending my life, my happiness, my light... to give up would solve nothing, shatter lives, create darkness in so many live... to take away my light, would be a selfish act of great proportions..

They rose up around me and showed me light when I could no longer remember its existence...
Through being what I have been known to be.. In mirror image..
Strength to the weak..
Voice for the silent..
Beacon for the Lost..

I have shown my soul to so many over the years, without fear..
Today, in the aftermath, I need to find reason
I have to remember what many of my friends in life may Never understand..
GOD
His purpose for me..

I NEED to continue my journey..