Sunday, April 24, 2005

from the depths of my soul I cry on my day of birth. Always seems like I lose something everytime it passes. Every year, one less friend or family member cares to remember your special day. Maybe I expect too much for my day. I do not want gifts or the casual Happy Birthday...

I want completion, and every year I grow older, I realize I have lost another year of my life.

What is it inside me that never lets me realize the happiness and joy in my life?

What is this overwhelming shadow of incompletion, dissatisfaction...
..the shadow that is always over my soul...stealing the breath from my chest.

I find myself so happy at times...I stop and recognize these moments...I try to stay for as long as I can...and yet, when I lay back in my bed each night...alone...why is this happiness gone?

Why can i describe my soul in darkness....

why do i have to..

why can't I just


i just can't remember many nights in my life where I was truly passionate about waking up the next morning to continue where I left off..

I think back to my what I can even remember...people tell you not to dwell on negative things, and yet my whole life has been just that. There has been so much negative around the positive, that I will lose it all when i try to let it go...

Every good thing in my life has been atached to hardship and pain. Suffering and sadness.
Nothing has came easily, and nothing has left me without etching its clawmarks into my soul

My scars run so deep, and I am told to let go of this...let go of it all...
in turn, lose myself.

Have I been so dependant on the pain?

Can I even exist if it were not there?

I have gone so long trusting in the pain to keep me feeling alive.
What will I have left to feel if it is gone?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Looking down from the moon! (June 14th 2003)

Tonight is Friday the 13th....a full moon.

Tonight I feel him more than ever. Perhaps it is my need to be with someone on this ironic night. The need to share this with my soul mate.I dwell in the mystery of the night. The moon, she empowers me. Her memory gets me through the daylight. She has shared everything I have ever felt. Her and her alone.

There is no one else here with me as I cry in her shadows. No one here, holding me in her light. She has become my dismal comfort. She is there...and Has been there with me through it all. She will be there forever. No matter where I go...she is there. Even when you cannot see her, she is not very far.

A soul this moon. Out of reach for the most part...but always there lingering...waiting. Then that their depth and determination, does not believe that reaching the moon is impossible...does not give up until they get to you.Knowing it is there, feeling its presence. Seeing her on the clearest nights and in her brightest the dreams and emotions you are given throughout your memory of "the one"

Except one thing is Can go to the can touch it, you can love can even bring parts of it back with you....but you cannot live in this leave behind this moon....but the moon is just as bright in your life there after.

I feel this way with Shawn tonight, as I sit here alone, wishing he were here to share this moment...wishing I were speaking these words to him...I have no one to share this thought with. And even though I cannot see him, or touch him...I can still feel him. He is so wonderfully strong tonight.

Once you return from the moon, nothing looks the same....this World is no longer so big and misunderstood. Everything is in a different perspective now...but after you have touched spend every lifetime wanting to go back to that place...

...die trying!

I have decided to copy some of my most written journal entries into this one.

June 7th 2003
Shawn broke up with me almost 48 hours to the minute. I have spent half my time crying and the other half writing an endless letter to him. I know i should have written sooner, but how can one find the words while opnes soul is so lost?

I have not spoken to god for four years. For the first time since, I turned to him in some sort of way. If it was not him I was speaking to, then I just may be insane. I begged him to stop this torture. I pleaded for him to tell me what I have done so wrong in life...I asked that he take me away from this place....yet again...nothing but silence and unanswered prayers.

Now my worst fear has come to pass...and yet I still exist...why?

I told Shawn when we first started sadness. For as long as I could, I shielded him from it. Keeping him happy made me happy. I no longer have that ability, I no longer have that happiness.

Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible.

The truth is...I don't know where I am going from here. I do not believe I am able to go anywhere.

When you drop something on the ground and you didn't see where it fell, you don't go searching for it miles away. You stay where you were standing and search for it where you were.

I lost my heart and soul right here, and this is where I shall stay until I find them again....or die trying.

...oh trusty journal

May 30th 2003
Your absence is an eclipse apon my soul.
The wind carries away my sorrows and returns to me your essence.
Whispering your name calms the silence of my days.
Every breath I release is a moment that brings me closer to your heart.

1:20am...oh trusty journal.
Can you believe the thoughts and words I have confided into your pages?
You have been with me for a long time in some form or another.
So many un-written pages. So many secrets woven into your binding.
Today I feel older
...I'm not sure exactly how this came about, but I feel emotionally older.
Perhaps my re-enforced emotional strength has made me not feel like a helpless, hurting, scared little girl anymore.I have reached such a level of Soul, that I despise my absolute need to descend once more back to this world.
I must touch back down and take care of some things that this world refuses to let me physically move on until I do.
Once again I must make myself Human.
Where shall I begin?

I guess I could start with my memories
...before the awakening.

As a child...
..the first thing that comes to mind is the fighting. It seems so endless in my mind. Like a scary movie where the vision is blurry, but you can hear the yelling and crying. You immediately feel cold, vulnerable, and scared. I remember my mom and dad going out to a bar, me falling asleep safely in my bed under my sitter's care...then being abruptly awakened by yelling and the loud noises of my parents throwing things and tackling each other.I would sit up in my bed...listening with tears streaming down my face in a silent cry...waiting for my mom to call for help as she always did.
Katie...HELP. Kate.
That was my cue...I would go running, still crying and start yelling at my dad to get off of her. See, I never seen my father actually hit my mom, but from my understanding, she would try to hit him and he would use force to restrain her. Even so, seeing my mom crying, yelling and helpless was never something I wanted to see.Through it all, I never conformed and accepted things the way they were. I always knew something was wrong with what was going on.How could a child of my age know this, but the two adults causing this, not?Things are so simple through a child's eyes. The truth is, a child-like mind is a soulful mind. If we lived our lives with our ideas and ideals we had as children, well its hard to explain... I can still remember some of the simple thoughts I had as a child. I sometimes wonder to myself why I had ever strayed from them.I remember thinking, If two people love each other so much to be together and have children, then why do they fight all the time? I mean, if you have love, what would you possibly have to argue about? Why can't you just be strong together and figure out a solution....together?I guess that is where I started thinking and preparing for perfect love. I still believe that there never has to be an argument between two people who truly love each other.
You know I see it all too clearly at the moment.
I thought to myself, If my love said something to me that I didn't like, I wouldn't get upset and argue at fact I would cry. I just remembered how I used to cry when Craig would say things I didn't like. Then he would come into the bedroom and hold me and apologize. Then we would talk through the problem. Then it got to the point that he would leave me crying alone in the room, no solace, no "talking". Only silence. Finally it got to the point where I stopped crying altogether. His words could no longer hurt me, only anger me. That is where it should have never ended up. He should have never stopped coming to me and comforting me. That is living without love anymore. That is something we did for a long time before I decided I couldn't live that way anymore and decided I wanted a divorce.

Will he fight? (June 25th 2003)

The story has gotten so twisted that no one could possibly understand how deep the rabbit hole goes unless they have been there since day one. If they knew the love that once existed between Shawn and I...then they would have a confusing grasp on why I still hang on.
Why he still loves and misses me, yet chooses to be with Rachel.
I guess he already knows what this feels like.
When will my happy ending come?
How will it be? Will I ever see it again?
Will I die a lonely old broken hearted woman?
Will I ever find someone that can complete me in one more way than Shawn could, by loving me more than anyone on this earth and never being able to leave me?
Is my soul mate still out there searching?
If he finds me will he be able to open my eyes?
Or will they still be wide shut in the eclipse of Shawn's absense?
My god this is a viscious cycle indeed.
I believe Shawn is my Soulmate, but he cannot see it.
Just as I refuse to see anyone else but him filling that void.
Will it end when "the other" refuses to give up on me, the one that has the strength as I once did and pulls me out of this darkness. I would not give up on Shawn had he had the reasoning inside of him to ask that of me. But I know I will find the strength to say, Please don't give up on me. I will know who I will have to say it to when the time comes. Even if it takes my last breath, I know if it is true, that will be all I will need to be able to say.Shawn and I have always stated time will tell, and I think time is showing me that the odds are against him and I ever being together again.
I think time is telling me, Cat, you know life is short
...everyone knows this.
You need to react to this knowledge, take the time to look at what has happened to you, use it to learn, use it to heal, and stop dwelling. Life and time wait for no one. Yet I sit and argue with them. I tell it there is nothing left out there for me, nothing is real anymore, nothing can be given to me to hold forever. Why should I care if life passes me by? I am not missing out on anything as far as I can see. Even with the little energy I have left, I just don't care if anyone understands me anymore. I have no more battles to fight, nothing left to fight for. I don't care to put forth the effort to tell someone my hopes and dreams. I don't care if anyone knows I have visions and see things from other dimensions. It just doesnt matter anymore. The only one that needs to know who and what I am, is me. I am the only one that really matters how much effort I put into.Shawn wrote, "but if you find someone else, I will have to go away quietly, it would not be right for me to interfere" Is that a hint that he wants me to go away quietly?
I don't know what it means really.
I just know that my soul mate will refuse to walk away quietly from me.
That he will fight for me
....fight to open my eyes.
He will know we are meant to be together and refuse to let anything keep us apart.

My Curse (July 13th 2003)

This world is no longer mine...
there is nothing here for me,
there never was
...I can't breath
...the pain i carry is too much to bear
...the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath

..Please let me die.

I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.
Every night I come home to an empty world one there to hold me, no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.
I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me
...everything that has ever broken my heart.

I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...I don't think time will heal this pain.
Maybe I have been wrong about love all along.
Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.

I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.


I have created was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do. I am a failure...these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness.
God what have I done.
Sorry is not enough...
I must pay for the damage I have done.
I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.

My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall
...never let in
...Never allowed in.
Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.

Hi Baby

I wrote this for him tonight......
Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silencean interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly, to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry, for her sorrow goes by no name...
"Hi Baby"
her heart stops.
her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins
and wears his heart as her crown.