Lies speak such beauty!

I say I no longer feel.. I no longer love.. I no longer miss you…
I have taught myself to deceive myself in all ways
Because I do not want to love.. You
Because I do not want to miss you.
I just want to erase what we were. I want to erase everything we had been.
I want to take away the day we met and undo everything that had become..
I want to untangle the web we created and run from the love you gave me
I should have ran and never looked back.. Had I ran then.. It would not have hurt so badly
Now I cannot even feel the pain anymore.
I have become numb to all things around me..
And yet I have learned to love things I should not love.
You took away the purity I once believed in.. Now I just don’t care anymore
You took away the faith I had in forever.. Now I am content to live in the day
What was once so pure and strong has now become weak and careless..
I just don’t care..
Take me away to the fiery pits of hell
If loving myself and loving others is not enough
If giving all that I am to those that reach out for me is not enough
If reaching out to the blind and giving them something to believe in is not enough
I Can’t give what I am not
I cannot be anything more
If loving a man so much that you will let him enter your body and create a union nothing can come closer to.. is a sin.. So be it
If making love is denying ones faith.. So be it
If trying to love another more than what we once had is wrong…
If pulling him into my arms while I push you out of my mind is wrong…
If running my hand down his chest.. allowing the sensation to rush through our bodies is wrong…Bring me death
To live without is far worse than being in death without
My heart is pure.. My soul is dirty..
It craves what I am told to reject
Why have I been created this way?
Should I even wonder at all?
Does spending a lifetime rejecting what you want so badly make you feel alive?
Are you living at all.. When you no longer feel alive outside of these arms?
You are so weak.. We could have been “the ones”
Everyone wants to be loved..
Sometimes so much that they will deny all else until they have it
But you… You had a love that all others would die for and you walk away?
You possessed a heart so passionate to please you for eternity..
You had a woman that wanted nothing more than to simply die in your arms..
And you leave her to die… alone
I would have given 1000 nights of nothingness to live in the everything that we were.
You have forsaken me…
And you expect me to feel…what is it you want me to be able to feel now?
You took this wounded heart and built a world around it.. A fortress.. meant to protect me from all else..
But it could not protect me from you
I hate you…for making me love you
I hate you for showing me what I can not have
I hate you for giving me a dream and making me wake up
The man you have become.. trying to hide yourself in your bible
Trying to pretend you are doing the right thing
Trying to tell yourself… what you are doing is righteous and pure
The damage is done
The words spoken..
The blood has been spilt in your name
Honor this love.. Honor this now..
Tears have been shed for your “commitment”
You have made me the great sacrifice for your soul
When you could have walked away..
Your selfishness
Your naivety
Your own desires that became you..
Only one hurts now.. because of YOU
You say you tried to save me.. but now all is lost
You pushed me further from the world than I have ever been.. and I fear I am spinning out of control..
It’s ok.. it is.. I don’t care
I want to spin..
I want to find my truth.. My truth
I will find my Faith.. My faith
Inside of me..
Not inside some book
Not inside the walls of a building
Not at an altar
But inside of me..
If I don’t have faith in myself.. who will?
Knowledge is power.
Ignorance is bliss.
Do you see?? Your happy ignoring how you feel.. not knowing what I am feeling..
But is it right?
Never knowing how you tore another person down.. Will you ever grow if you ignore what you have done?
Run from me love.. Run far.. you may not want to know.. But I’ll be damned if the rest of the world doesn’t.
Seems poetic doesn’t it.. Such beauty in the darkness..
Many will read these words.. Some will feel.. But only one has lived it
“I love you as much as I love Jesus Christ.. and the day I stop loving him is the day I will stop loving you”
Oh you had a way of making me believe didn’t you?
A way with words.. Given my trust in your faith that you would never betray what I have given to you.. Never forsake our bond..
Lies speak such beauty…
Don’t they?

Mind is poison..heart is the remedy!!

Lying awake I discover the truth behind my dreams..
Im shaking again, am I falling fast
When i am afraid I fear for you.. for your love.. for what you will become without me
In my mind.. i hear your words.. in my heart i feel what they mean..
Being silenced by my emotions.. i fear what i myself have become
You have stolen my darkness.. can i borrow it for some time?
Sinning in bliss.. my god what road am i traveling
Dreaming of passion.. waking up to nothing.. to no one
Too consumed in keeping you alive
Have i given my life for yours
This is the path chosen for me
It is ok love, I have no where else to go...
I promise you the pain will not kill you
You fear the unknown.. well know this well..
In the end.. do not wish for death.. wish for new life..


"What are you? "
His words spoken that i have heard within myself for all eternity
His words spoken that i have never imagined i would hear
I dont know.. I cannot know.. it is not allowed
Would i be efficient if i was aware?
Would i make the same choices if i could see where they will take me?
Would i be the same had i not failed miserably?
Failure has become my success
Failure has broken me and sent me back into the fire with a strength i had not possessed...
She has taken my little hand and slapped it until it bleeds
Everything i touch recieves the mark of my blood.. the essence that keeps me alive...
Touched..forever...
blood, never to wash away

Is someone missing me?
Am i too much to fight for..
no
If you will not fight, you have no worth by my side
If i had fought years to become who.. what i have become..
Why should you possess me with such ease?
There is no passion in recieving what is given..
But there will be in taking what is fought for
I wont fall easily
I will run..
I have been given a gift to love many.. a curse to hold none
Have i fought in turn for those i have fallen for?
Did I not give up on those who cried for me?
I give so much and take so little..
I love so hard and am loved with leisure
My hand always reaches.. while his decides with too much thought
His words are chosen with care.. while my heart carelessly speaks.
Mind is poison.. heart is the remedy

As the great Queen Elizabeth once spoke with her own lips..
altered for myself..
"I am No mans Catherine."

Soon.

STolen my words I cannot speak..
You are the pain inside of me..
All the thoughts I have left unsaid
Im dying to further fall
You'll never catch me sleeping..
Im lying outside your heart
waiting for you to join me..
waiting for myself to breathe
Dont allow me to be your beautiful mistake
Dont write the words if you cannot speak
Im not going anywhere...
I'll be your impossible
I'll heal to show you who i used to be
I'll dream just to show you where i'd like to be
I can see it in your eyes when I cry
Your waiting for me to return
Ill be there soon.

You are the Goddess Artemis!

Brave, and a natural born leader.You're willing to fight for what you believe in...And willing to make tough decisions.Don't forget - the people around you have ideas too!

The daughter of Leto and Zeus, and the twin of Apollo. Artemis is the goddess of the wilderness, the hunt and wild animals, and fertility (she became a goddess of fertility and childbirth mainly in cities). She was often depicted with the crescent of the moon above her forehead and was sometimes identified with Selene (goddess of the moon). Artemis was one of the Olympians and a virgin goddess. She is one of only three who are immune to the enchantments of Aphrodite... the other two are Hestia and Athene (Athena). Her main vocation was to roam mountain forests and uncultivated land with her nymphs in attendance hunting for lions, panthers, hinds and stags. Contradictory to the later, she helped in protecting and seeing to their well-being, also their safety and reproduction. She was armed with a bow and arrows which were made by Hephaestus and the Cyclopes.
In one legend, Artemis was born one day before her brother Apollo. Her mother gave birth to her on the island of Ortygia, then, almost immediately after her birth, she helped her mother to cross the straits over to Delos, where she then delivered Apollo. This was the beginning of her role as guardian of young children and patron of women in childbirth. Being a goddess of contradictions, she was the protectress of women in labor, but it was said that the arrows of Artemis brought them sudden death while giving birth. As was her brother, Apollo, Artemis was a divinity of healing, but also brought and spread diseases such as leprosy, rabies and even gout.
Being associated with chastity, Artemis at an early age (in one legend she was three years old) asked her father, the great god Zeus, to grant her eternal virginity. Also, all her companions were virgins. Artemis was very protective of her purity, and gave grave punishment to any man who attempted to dishonor her in any form. Actaeon, while out hunting, accidentally came upon Artemis and her nymphs, who bathing naked in a secluded pool. Seeing them in all their naked beauty, the stunned Actaeon stopped and gazed at them, but when Artemis saw him ogling them, she transformed him into a stag. Then, incensed with disgust, she set his own hounds upon him. They chased and killed what they thought was another stag, but it was their master. As with Orion, a giant and a great hunter, there are several legends which tell of his death, one involving Artemis. It is said that he tried to rape the virgin goddess, so killed him with her bow and arrows. Another says she conjured up a scorpion which killed Orion and his dog. Orion became a constellation in the night sky, and his dog became Sirius, the dog star. Yet another version says it was the scorpion which stung him and was transformed into the constellation with Orion, the later being Scorpio. Artemis was enraged when one of her nymphs, Callisto, allowed Zeus to seduce her, but the great god approached her in one of his guises; he came in the form of Artemis. The young nymph was unwittingly tricked, and she gave birth to Arcas, the ancestor of the Arcadians, but Artemis showed no mercy and changed her into a bear. She then shot and killed her. As Orion, she was sent up to the heavens, and became the constellation of the Great Bear (which is also known as the Plough).
Artemis was very possessive. She would show her wrath on anyone who disobeyed her wishes, especially against her sacred animals. Even the great hero Agamemnon came upon the wrath of Artemis, when he killed a stag in her sacred grove. His punishment came when his ships were becalmed, while he made his way to besiege Troy. With no winds to sail his ships he was told by the seer Calchas that the only way Artemis would bring back the winds was for him to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia. Some versions say he did sacrifice Iphigenia, others that Artemis exchanged a deer in her place, and took Iphigenia to the land of the Tauri (the Crimea) as a priestess, to prepare strangers for sacrifice to Artemis.
Artemis with her twin brother, Apollo, put to death the children of Niobe. The reason being that Niobe, a mere mortal, had boasted to Leto, the mother of the divine twins, that she had bore more children, which must make her superior to Leto. Apollo being outraged at such an insult on his mother, informed Artemis. The twin gods hunted them down and shot them with their bows and arrows; Apollo killed the male children and Artemis the girls.
Artemis was worshiped in most Greek cities but only as a secondary deity. However, to the Greeks in Asia Minor (modern day Turkey) she was a prominent deity. In Ephesus, a principal city of Asia Minor, a great temple was built in her honor, which became one of the "Seven Wonders of the Ancient World". But at Ephesus she was worshiped mainly as a fertility goddess, and was identified with Cybele the mother goddess of eastern lands. The cult statues of the Ephesian Artemis differ greatly from those of mainland Greece, whereas she is depicted as a huntress with her bow and arrows. Those found at Ephesus show her in the eastern style, standing erect with numerous nodes on her chest. There have been many theories as to what they represent. Some say they are breasts, others that they are bulls testes which were sacrificed to her. Which is the true interpretation remains uncertain, but each represent fertility.
There were festivals in honor of Artemis, such as the Brauronia, which was held in Brauron; and the festival of Artemis Orthia, held at Sparta, when young Spartan boys would try to steal cheeses from the altar. As they tried they would be whipped, the meaning of Orthia and the nature of the ritual whipping has been lost and there is no logical explanation or translation. Among the epithets given to Artemis are: Potnia Theron (mistress of wild animals) this title was mentioned by the great poet Homer; Kourotrophos (nurse of youth's); Locheia (helper in childbirth); Agrotera (huntress); and Cynthia (taken from her birthplace on Mount Cynthus on Delos). When young girls reached puberty they were initiated into her cult, but when they decided to marry, which Artemis was not against, they were asked to lay in front of the altar all the paraphernalia of their virginity, toys, dolls and locks of their hair, they then left the domain of the virgin goddess.

Will you follow?

How do you dance in words?
React to the music running through your veins...
Breathe in the vibrations
Set your soul free... release yourself into the night
Be weary of the morning light
Heart.. pounding..
Close my eyes.. all i see is him...
Furious.. fire.. burns in his eyes..
Intensity reigning throughout his body..
Possessed by his presence..
Poisoned by his very existance..
What man could see as I see..
Feel as I feel
Dance.. as I dance.
No movements of the physical form.. but to close ones eyes and fly...
No touching.. only fusion of two beings through the mind
Can I tangle you in my dance
Make it hard for you to stop
Give you an addiction.. with no cure
Gently rest your hands on my hips
Testing the passion as I wrap my body around yours
Pulling you into me with my eyes
Entrancing...
Do you want me to take you inside?
Do you want to feel where this passion hides in the daylight?
You pull me tight.. your breath heavy on my neck
Sweat running between our bodies
I rest my lips on your shoulder..
Tasting you
Wanting you
My heart quickens..you can feel it against you
I can't get close enough..
I wrap my arms around your neck..
pulling you close as the music runs through our bodies
Your hands around my back.. my hand grasping your hair
Locked in eachothers eyes.. never to look away
We dance in the moonlight..
Careless of what the day will bring
Mesmerized.. I cannot believe where I am
Where we have taken one another
The music ends.. but the dance has only just begun
How did we get here?
With one last glance i take your hand.. look into your eyes and smile
Releasing.. one finger at a time.. as our hands slide apart
I walk away..
Will you follow?

Everyone goes away in the end...

i will make you hurt.

Nobody stays forever.. and if they do they are not happy.
They feel obligated to stay to not hurt you
They feel it is their responsibility to make Your life right.
Or they become the thing that made your life wrong.

Those strong enough to walk away and Hurt someone...
My hat goes off to you.
You are Strong among men
You are the wolf among the sheep
The thorn on the rose...
You are pain. You are Life.
You make us bleed.
You let us feel every breath... because we despise the fact we still do
You make us count each day after you... because we would rather not notice the time flying by
Stand in the rain... make me watch you
Stand there and ignore me
Walk away from me... you know its only a matter of time..
Why wait..
Why stay..
Why make me watch my life pass me by...
When I could be holding it by the hand and running free..
What pleasure do you get from capturing me?
Dont give me a reason to make time stand still..
unless you want to die with me.
Do you want whats left of me?
Do you want to rebuild this foundation..
To make whole what has become so crumbled and frail?
Do you want to dance in the shadows ..With me?
or would you rather stand back and watch me fall apart alone?
Do you want to shine your light into my darkness?
I can shine alone...
I can love myself...
I can make my dreams come to pass...
Why do you want to make me need you?
What do I bring to you that you cannot live without?
Tell me.. why am I "the one"
Who will take my place?
Cause you know someone will
Who will give their life for you... after you leave me to die?
What arms will reach for you, when I no longer have the strength?
Who will be left to remove your doubt.. when you can no longer trust in yourself?
Don't take pity on me.. but envy I still Live.
Envy I have life and hope and I still dream...
Shattered.. they Exist.
I EXIST
I cannot live without myself...
So please dont take away who I am

Blindness

Excerpt from Thrusday June 5th 2003

I guess there is a down side to trying to look up in life...
You never see the worse coming.
You give someone the benefit of the doubt..
you ignore their past,
a past that they have yet to walk away from,
you look forward with them,
then next thing you know you turn around and their gone.

I know we all die alone in the end,
thats just the way things are.
Does it really matter what we have here on earth?
Would a mortal know if they had a fallen angel in their life?
I have come to find that no matter how hard I try or how real I am,
it is not enough....I am simply not enough.

My words are mute in the echoed halls of ones past.
My feelings are expendable and my tears...
just another sad collection into the ocean of all the tears lost in vein.
I had my chance...now it is gone.

My doorway to happiness opened right before me...
I got to taste it...to touch it...to know it.
Can't they see...nothing just comes to you.
You have to make sacrifices..
you have to know when the passage in fate has opened her arms to you.
Why was I so blind.

Jesus hung up on Sam!!

Thee goddess23: JESUS JUST CALLED SAM
keado1586: lol
Thee goddess23: ...and hung up on him

Samurai!! so i gotta stop saying what if
Samurai!!: and just starting believing
Thee_Goddess: yes and just believe it
Samurai!!: man i really dig this spirtual stuff.
Thee_Goddess: keado1586: tell him don't believe. start knowing..
Samurai!!: so we can only control what is inside us
Samurai!!: nothing that surronds us ?
Samurai!!: 1 800 390 1886.
Samurai!!: why could jesus not love ?
Samurai!: ....
Samurai!!: i just tried to call jesus.
Thee_Goddess: i was afk
Samurai!!: you know my voice reconition ?
Samurai!!: i hit it and said jesus .
Thee_Goddess: LOL why did you do that
Samurai!!: i have no idea
Samurai!!: i guess i was thinking of jesus
Samurai!!: then i realized it when my second beep went off
Samurai!!: said it could not reconize voice command
Samurai!!: would of been creepy if someone picked up
Samurai!!: omg
Samurai!!: wtf
Samurai!!: i just got an unknown call
Samurai!!: who ever it was just hung up on me though.
Thee_Goddess: HAHAAH jesus just called you
Thee_Goddess: And hung up on your ass
Thee_Goddess: I so need to blog this

Samurai!!: ok this is wierd
Samurai!!: someones fucking with me
Samurai!!: cuz my room phone just rang too
Samurai!!: and no one picked up


Yeah this is some funny shit!!

Sliding the rubber gloves onto my hands, my mind is drawn to the way I used to be wearing an engagement ring for so long that I was always careful to not disturb it... I feel a tingle as my fingers pull the glove past my finger with Nothing to catch.. nothing to be careful of.. there is a freedom from destroying anything.. there is no fear left... now that i pay attention to the fact that its gone...

I can do whatever I want, and nothing I do matters. Nothing I do will hurt anyone because I am alone. I am One. Unconnected and deprived from emotion??

Haaa... I have found myself looking forward so quickly.. trying to learn how to control my emotions.. how to unleash the Right words.

Trying to breathe.. and Just breathe.

Yeah, my existance effects no one.. I have 50 fucking people out there that are directly effected by my every action and thats not a Burden? but you know what.. its alright.. because I am living life and living it right, but also "LIVING"

I am ALIVE and well... touching tasting feeling thinking the things i want to think... DOING what it is that will bring me to better places in my mind and in my heart. Feeling what i want to feel...
and no one can stop me but myself... and that isnt going to happen. WHY should I?

He asked me to be a good girl *sigh* stopped my heart from beating for a moment.
I have learned to not think about these things anymore.. to only feel what is real.. and what is becoming... But to be considerate of who and what these people mean to me in their own ways.
That he is unable to think of another woman other than me...
He has given his devotion, to me.. to his goddess
He is laying his heart on the line, not for me to step on or walk over, but to lay beside it

Thoughts.

"well to be honest, most of my profile may be based behind the emotion
i had when i Was very much in love with my ex fiance...
He left me in April and it was devistating..
After the withdrawals..
I have found myself once again,
and my eyes have been opened to the world that i could no longer see
when being in his essence...
Those out there we can connect with and become whole again..
through them.
You never believe there is another until you are Forced to.
I am thankful that I have this new oppurtunity in my life
to achieve something greater than I have had.
As much as the pain of losing a loved one is,
The joy of finding the Greater love.. is phenomenal.
You cannot live.. Until you have died!

Taurus and Cancer in love!

Taurus With Cancer In Love
This is usually a real match made in heaven.
Taurus and Cancer are like soulmates who live their marriage in total happiness.
Cancer likes romance with overloads of affection, and this is ecactly what Taurus looks for in love.
Taurus is someone Cancer can depend on.
Cancer give Taurus the loyalty they need.
Truely a love made in heaven between these two signs.


Both of you are very domestic and need a strong, secure home base in order to be happy. The sharing of food, nurturing of children, and creating a home together would be very satisfying for the two of you. Cancer has deep attachments to family and to the familiar, which are hard to let go of. Taurus too, is resistant to changes in domestic or personal life, preferring to stay with what has already been established rather than seeking novelty.
Of the two of you, Cancer is the more emotional, sensitive, and moody, while Taurus is more steady, practical, and even-tempered.(hahah lies)
Taurus gives Cancer a reassuring sense of security and is like the Rock of Gibraltar for Cancer during times of emotional stress and turmoil. Cancer may wish, however, that Taurus was less impassive at times.
Both of you are very domestic and appreciate the simple joys of life. Others find the two of you to be very warm, friendly, and caring, and your soft and considerate attitude is greatly appreciated by your friends. If you have children, then you are very dedicated and involved parents. The two of you would enjoy living in a quiet, fairly secluded place away from hustle and bustle.(hmmm like a cabin in the woods)
Cancer is very emotional, very attached to family and familiar surroundings and easily upset by any form of cruelty; Taurus' practical, grounded approach to life and gentle manner is very much appreciated by Cancer.
Both of you, as individuals, posses a great deal of personal charm and appeal. You are able to attract love, opportunities, money, and whatever you need in your lives rather easily. In fact, unless other factors in your charts indicate a capacity for effort and discipline, you may sail through life doing whatever comes easiest and depending a great deal on your "pretty face" or pleasing, likeable manner to get by.
The two of you share a great sense of aesthetics and taste, an appreciation for beauty, the arts, and the pleasures of life. A flair for the art of love, too, is a gift you share.
Each of you also has quite a bit of artistic potential and you can encourage and inspire this in each other. A focus on developing and expressing your creativity - together as well as individually - is apt to be one of the most fulfilling aspects of your relationship.
(write for me baby)

Both of you are passionate and deeply loving, and you each need to have a partner who is capable of the same level of depth, intimacy, and union that you are. You are also both prone to irresistible attractions and rather intense eroticism. You share a strong sexual and romantic appetite.
Sexual and physical attraction is very strong and "hot". If your sexual relationship is not satisfactory, you begin arguing with each other; in this relationship, frustrated sexuality turns to anger. Assuming that there are no physical impediments, the potential for becoming pregnant is high, (i warned you) so it is essential to be scrupulous in the use of birth control methods if pregnancy is not desired.

You are drawn to one another because you instinctively understand each other. There are strong feelings of belonging, closeness, and acceptance between you. You blend and merge with one another very easily and a strong mutual interdependence is likely to develop very quickly. Taurus especially, feels affirmed and strengthened by Cancer support and "backing". Because of the deep affinity between you, you are more motivated and more able to overcome any problems or differences that arise in your relationship.

You feel open and uninhibited with each other, and can express your feelings spontaneously and without reserve. You enjoy joking and kidding around with each other. If both of you enjoy dancing or playing music, you make wonderful partners in dance and/or music.
Through your relationship with one another, and especially your intimate conversations, both of you will understand your past histories, your emotions, and your own inner lives much more clearly. Being in one another's presence evokes in both of you the desire to confide, to tell your stories, to speak about your private selves. You are able to talk for hours. There is often a sentimental or nostalgic tone in your discussions. Visiting old childhood haunts together, studying your family trees, looking at and discussing old photographs, describing your dreams to each other, talking about your children or your photographs, describing your dreams to each other, talking about your children or your mate or parents - this type of sharing will be a crucial aspect of your bond. Even if you are not the sort of person who discusses feelings or readily confides in others, you'll find that with this particular person, you can and will. You make good counselors for one another.

There is a great deal of mutual trustworthiness, reliability, and responsibility in this relationship that makes you both feel very secure with each other. You can count on each other, and you both take the relationship seriously. You willingly make sacrifices for each other, and a deep love between you develops over time. You will assist each other a great deal over the years. This is likely to be a deep, meaningful, lasting relationship.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Cancer wants to understand every nuance of Taurus' personality and will make Taurus feel like the most important thing in his/her life...and expects to receive the same back! (As you wish) Both of these people are very strong in the domestic impulses category and they will put much time and effort into their home and children.
Taurus will never have to worry about being taken for granted by the quiet, moody Cancer; being a dreamer he will place Taurus on a pedestal and always expect him/her to be perfect, but when the flaws show through he will retire into his shell, feeling let down. Taurus, not being the most tactful person around will clumsily try to coax Cancer out and wind up driving him even further into his/her shell.
Cancer needs and demands (in the pouting way) a lot of sympathy, and Taurus has the nurturing instincts for giving that will help them to get along better than one would expect. At times Cancers nerve will fail him/her but with lots of support and backing from Taurus, Cancer should be able to face life and even be successful in whatever endeavors he/she should try.
This relationship can and will improve with age and hard work, as these are such different personalities, and in many ways ones strength supports the others weakness. Cancers sex life is affected by the way they are getting along in the evening and if there is arguing or other unpleasantness Cancer will not make love to Taurus( LOL ugh...) and too much of this could build a wall between them. If the two are willing to give rather than get, this relationship can be a very good one.

My heart is full... my eyes so open
The storm is coming..
I hear it.. I feel it
The thunder rushes through my blood
The pain is gone.. or is it numb?
I dont care... Im not feeling it.

Someone who has been through hell
and came out alive.
Someone who would go back to hell to find me
if he had to.
Someone who wants so badly to be in my life until our dying breath,
who's only passion is to be there for me through life,
and be beside me when he dies.
Someone who is romantic... passionate... soulfull
Someone i feel the desire to worshipand be worshiped by
Someone who is strong in emotion and mind,
expressive about what he feels and wants
Someone who accepts me for the bad and the crazy...
No matter what I look like now or in 50 years..
There will be nothing more in this world after me
and nothing to me after him..
Only his constant desire to love me more each day
and never walk away...
never leave me behind
To fight for me when i am weak
and to reach for me when i fall
You would do anything for the one you love.
You dont have a choice..
Your soul will not allow you to let them down.
That is when you can Create goals in life TOGETHER.
You have to be One in mind... and spirit
before you can move onwards and not miss a step,
not allow your "one" to fall... ever.
to create a trust that when they look up from falling...
it will ALWAys be your eyes they will look into...
YOUR hand that will be reaching down for them.

"The air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy.
The merest whisper of your name awakes in me a shuddering sixth sense.
I am longing for a kiss that makes time stand still."

That is my soulmate.. i will know him when i feel him!

i say what i mean
i dont send messages
i dont make people read between the lines
because they only see what they want to hear

Im here too...

I saw you last night...
I knew you'd be gone as soon as the morning light shone
My breath grew silent..as i watched
I knew you were my dream.
You walked into the room and the world around you stood still
You couldnt see me...but you knew wherever i was, i was thinking about you
You were alone in your room and you sat on your bed
You took out a picture you had of me
Gently ran your finger down the side of my face
Gazing into my big brown eyes
I cant hear what you are thinking...but i see a tear fall from your face
Suddenly you look angry.. you look sad... at the same time
The picture falls to the floor.
You stand up and walk over to your mirror..
You say "Pull yourself together."
You turn around and i can see the strangest thing...
Part of you is still sitting on that bed... he picks up the picture and glares at you with discontent
You pretend to not see him.. just as you have chose to not see me.
You turn back to the mirror.. wipe the tears from your face.. and walk out of the room...
Shutting the door you left him and I behind
He still cannot see me... he cries.. alone on his bed.
I go to him.. I cant leave him there to hurt alone... His tears give me tears.
We want so badly to hold one another but cannot.
We want so badly to feel one anothers presence... but are unable
We are not allowed.
He is a shadow left behind by the one who controls him
He is a part of himself... pushed away... fought to forget
I lay beside him and watch his blue eyes falter in my absence
I watch the lips i once kissed so gently.. quiver
I reach my hand to touch his face and he closes his eyes...
"Im here with you baby"
...Im here too.

My goodbye?

I am sorry but I cannot pretend to only want to be your friend. I have been nothing but truthful with you.. always, and the truth is.. It is too hard for me to talk to you right now. I need time to get over you. I cant help but secretly hope that every time i see your name on my phone that you are calling to say...
"Baby this hurts too much, I need you. I want to marry you!"

I know you are happy now and I am sorry i cannot be one more friend on your list of people to call for support. I am not strong enough.

You were the shining star of my existance and now there is only darkness...an eclipse apon my soul in your absence.

"Once in your life you find someone"
"Who will turn your world around"
"Pick you up when your feeling down"

Only once? That scares me. Someone told me the only thing that can take away the pain is a greater love.. so now I pray that it exists.. a "greater" love... someone that for once will not walk away from me.

Right now I am content in remembering who you used to be.. the man who used to wonder what i was doing always, if i drank my water, what i was eating for dinner...

My Fiance died April 17th 2006... he was such a precious soul. I know he would have wanted to be there with me on my birthday, i know he would have wanted me to be happy, and he was there with me in my heart... I know he would have wanted to see me smile with his own eyes, had he still been able to open them. I know my fiance believed in sickness and in health.. and he would have held my hand in the clinic as i waited scared and crying, I know he would have sat with me as i talked about my past and handed me tissues.. he was a beautiful man..

He and i were relentlessly in love... two stubborn taurus's in love that would stop at nothing to be together.. "No matter what"

I will think about him till the day he and I are reunited in heaven, cause I know he will be there, and I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life to meet him there. I know he is waiting for me and has faith that I wont let him down. That I wont leave him there alone. I know if he were alive, he would be thinking about me this very moment.. cause there was never a minute gone by that he wasnt thinking about me. I know that if he were alive, He would be confessing his love to me, and I to him.. and that makes me happy...

That is how I choose to live now. In memory of what was... in memory of who you once were.

I will call you when I am healed...if ever. I will call you when friends is all I want to be. When I have found that "greater love", When I have replaced my best memories with something more beautiful. Until then... can we just correspond through email or Im's?

This song is for him, I am dancing with him right now.. holding him in my arms, kissing his cheek, looking into his eyes and smiling.. he is smiling back at me and we have tears in our eyes.. because we are together... for always.. and nothing is greater than that.

Dont want to Die alone!

I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed

I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same bright star

I wonder, I pray
And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please... come home soon
Come home soon

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny(engagement ring) 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here... on my own
So please... come home soon
Come home soon

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's ...our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home

So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you,
don't want to die alone

So please, come home soon
Come home soon
...Come home soon!

Come Home soon-Shedaisy

Can you hear me whisper your name in the night wind?
I close my eyes and reach my hand out.. allowing the wind to gently brush past it.. embracing for a moment and releasing as it continues on its path...
You cannot see the wind coming... You cannot see it leave..
You can only feel it as it is there.. as it passes.

You cannot capture it.. u cannot create it.. u cannot control or tame it
You can only close your eyes and experience it

Sound Familiar?

Love is the wind that twists our souls..
It brushes by and sweeps through our existance as the wind pulls the leaves into the air and spins them... then releases them to float gently back to the ground.
Captures you for a moment in time..
One chance to feel alive
One chance at a time..

Bury me..

I have found so many beautiful songs in my life.. songs that i have fell in love with, songs I could see myself falling in love to.. songs that can twist me in every way that I become a part of the music. I have also found the not so beautiful songs.. the ones that cradle my pain... show me understanding in the thought that someone out there in the world has felt the way I do.. that I am not alone... Lonely but not alone..


What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn’t take this anymore

What would you do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?

I’m not running from you

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me

All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now...

this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself

Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?

-----------------------------------

What is it exactly he is saying?

If you dont love me anymore.. then bury me.
Without you I cannot live.
Without you I am nothing... 6 feet under.
I cannot change..
But if you cannot handle who I am.. I understand.
This is who I am... I CANT CHANGE!

I cannot be... (Dido-Here with me)

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't sleep And I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

Not erasing... just moving =)

Because I dont want to erase his memory.. only move it to the side.. I had to delete this off of myspace today!

"But, I am newly engaged to the most amazing man alive. A man who stood by my side "no matter what". A man who would have loved me any way I could be in his life. Who listened as I cried... he would not let me cry alone. A man that I swore whoever ended up with him would be most blessed. (I made myself jealous thinking of it not being me just now.. hehe)I never truly knew what love was until I fell in love with him... until he showed me how a real man treats the love of his life. A real man that loves me more than life itself. He is my best friend and my lover. I will never forsake him. God has sent me his most precious Angel."

Thoughts.

Should i be afraid?
Am i unable to feel?
sitting here with this loss of innocence
breathing in the air...
questioning why it is I breath...
what it is i breath for.

Waking..

Waking..
I take in a breath of sadness.
Careful to release my dream...
I open my eyes slowly
Gently allowing my senses to return to my body
Close my eyes once again with a daydream lingering from the thoughts that remain
Putting together all the pieces...
making right, what had gone wrong...
I slowly diminish the lingering fright..
I take what is real and place it back into my thoughts
My body trembling from the return of my senses
My heart tremors to rise me..
Welcoming the new day...
Open the windows of my mind
Returning to me...
what in my sleep...

I must leave behind.

Thoughts.

You know when your a little kid and you have these dreams.. and you strive to find them your whole life... you fail, you make mistakes, you pick yourself back up and put the pieces back together... each time losing or finding a part of yourself you never knew before ..
Every time it seems harder and harder to pull yourself back together... as fast as you once did... as hope dwindles.. you become looser in stature... do you begin to fall apart.. do your dreams fade away?

I just want to go home...

Chris and I had One special song that we were supposed to listen to when we missed eachother or needed one another and we couldnt be there...

Here is mine from him.. I need him right now, so I am listening to it.

I feel like a song without the words,
a man without a soul,
a bird without its wings,
a heart without a home.
I feel like a knight without a sword,
a sky without the sun,
cause you are the one.

I feel like a ship beneath the waves,
a child who's lost its way,
a door without a key,
a face without a name.
I feel like a breath without the air,
and everyday's the same, since you've gone away.

I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you;

I miss you, everyday.

I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
still holding on, girl,
I won't let you go,
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.

They tell me that a man can lose his mind
living in the pain.
Recallin' times gone by,
I'm crying in the rain.
You know I've wasted half the time
and I'm on my knees again.
'Til you come to me.
Yeah.I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you.

And I miss you, everyday.

And I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Lay my head against your heart, I know I'm home.
I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Cause when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home.

I just want to go HOME!!!!

Do you know a goddess in love when you see one?
Can you see the difference in my eyes?
Can you see my bliss knowing at this point i was engaged to the man of my dreams... engaged to an angel fallen to earth in my honor?
Can you see that I was looking into HIS eyes? That i was smiling into HIS existance?
Life is So short and now I am existing without him.. how is that withstandable?
I will have to live the last 50 years of my life looking back on these pictures and knowing that I once found true happiness... Once.

I never made love to a man my whole life until him...

I never felt the emotions i felt for a man...with a man... before him...

There was nothing before him... everything with him... and No one After him

God bless you Christopher Ryan Pearson...

Love your ex-almost wife

Thoughts.

To crave for that kind of love, but to not recieve... to expect it to become..eventually.. that is the demise of any relationship.
There should be no relationship before love.
You sacrifice for love.
You suffer for love.
You would do anything for the one you love.
That is when you can Create goals in life TOGETHER.
You have to be One in mind... and spirit before you can move onwards and not miss a step,
not allow your "one" to fall... ever.
to create a trust that when they look up from falling...
it will ALWAys be your eyes they will look into...
Your hand that will be reaching down for them.

I gave you...

Now I will tell you what I have done for you...

I gave you life when you no longer felt alive
I gave you the attention that no one bothered to give you
I gave you the promises you never thought anyone would give you
I gave you a heart that bleeds so faithfully in your honor
I gave you a world that never has to be outside of the light of god
I gave you a smile that held value, replacing your once emotionless pictures
I gave you a shoulder to cry on when no one cared to listen
I gave you ambition to become greater than you ever wanted to be
I gave you a hand to hold when no one was reaching to you
I gave you a love that will last everafter, a love worth dying for
I gave you truth of a heart and soul that has been weathered but has not lost hope
I gave you a dream of a family, that would never fail to this world
I gave you someone to trust, someone to depend on
I gave you security that I would never forsake you or abandon you
I gave you a star to wish on
I gave you words to live by, words to warm your soul
I gave you a place to fall into, when we couldnt stop falling, I opened myself to you despite my better judgement...
Now I fall alone!



Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time,
I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again...
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII died for YOU!!

Evanescence -going under

I hear ya Amy! I know exactly where you are coming from.

"Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is
And fixing your problems and starting over again"

So you have seen me with my defenses down... not so beautiful now?
Not so perfect?
Can't stand what you see inside the ashes?
Can't take the pressure of standing back and watching me try to stand?
You feel helpless? YOU feel Helpless?
Try walking with me... try feeling what I feel..
Try taking in all I have taken and let me watch You stand.
You may be able to give up on me, but I will not..
I will pull through. I will pull myself back together soon
Life isnt beautiful...
Im not giving up on myself...
I have too much left to lose
With my tiny ounce of sanity I will watch you walk away
With my hand shaking I will let down your ring
Fighting my heart I will let you give up on me
"This isnt over"
You shot me with your words
I'll search for the one who believes in me
I'll reach for the one who needs me
I never doubted you... when you said you loved me
But i should have known you dont understand what love is...
What love is worth.
One day you will see..
You threw our lives away
You will try to love again...but nothing will ever take away the void i have created in your soul
I used to think how lucky you were to get it right the first time, To never go through heartache.. to never have some one walk away from you... You were so lucky
One day you will hate me for loving you so much
One day you will hate the emptiness you have inside because of me
One day you will hate what you have lost... what you know exists and you walked away in your confusion
I can only try to heal love... will it be so wrong to let you go?
Will it be so wrong to tell you I love you but you gave up on me...
Will it be so wrong to say "Sorry, I have to go".
Will the world turn upside down?
Will the reality of losing me shatter your heart the way you have left mine?
Will you stop at nothing to get me back?
Will you be relentless?
Will you fight wars for me?
Will you see right through me? Will you even know me anymore?
Will you go through hell just for the chance to bring me back?

Cant put this away...

Whenever i have an emotion, i feel this burning throughout my body... (thanks lexapro)
I thought it would take away the pain of losing my soulmate...
but i return to sitting here.. wondering...waiting.. if he will miss me soon.
They say time will take away the pain... I also heard a person can go crazy dealing with it..
Which path do I choose?
Do i let myself win? Do I let myself lose?
I have nothing left to lose... he took everything with him when he walked out the door.
How could i ever move on?
How can I ever look into another mans eyes and not see his?
How can I ever hear "I love you" and not hear chris speaking to me
Everything reminds me of him... everything
I have dreamt of him every night i have been able to sleep.
Talking to him hurts, because he doesnt say he loves me anymore...
I put away the things that remind me of him.. but there are so many things i cant put away...
I cant put away the bed we once shared
I cant put away the road i used to daydream about him on while im driving
I cant put away the music he and i so romantically shared, danced to, proposed to
I cant put away the words that dance in my mind
I cant put away the water he used to drink and swish
I cant put away the breath from my lips that whispers "i love you baby"
I cant put away the beating in my chest that pounds so deeply for his love
I cant put away my eyes that search for him... everywhere i go
I cant put away my son he used to carry around so lovingly
I cant put away the homework he used to do with my daughter after school
I cant put away the gentle comfort from my children when i cry...telling me "Its ok mommy, he will come back cause he loves you"
I cant put away the empty seat at church i gaze upon where he and i used to sit holding hands.
I cant' put away my finger, where his promise of love and commitment once rounded
I cant put away the sky i used to gaze upon and thank god for my fiance
I cant put away the forever he promised to be by my side...

"You're my last stop. My only stop".
How could he have been so wrong?

Walking in a dream, waking from my nightmares...
Shaking... scared... lost
Praying for sleep, praying for this to end
When will i wake up to find him lying in my arms?
When will i close my eyes to breath in his scent once again?
Rebuild my world, to shatter it in the end?
What have i done so wrong... but love someone so completely?
Why cant he see? Why cant he feel my absence the way I feel his?
Why can't we just start over and do this the right way?
He once loved me so much that it hurt for him to be away,
He once spoke of nothing completing him more than being in my presence..
Now he speaks of nothing...
His silence truly has become the delicate array of torture i once dreamt it could be..
God please, must i beg... stop this... please
Let us do this right.
Bring back his love.
My soul is torn, I know there is nowhere left for me to go.
He is my world.
He is my breath.
He is my gift from heaven above.
Please don't make me exist without him.
Please god... id give my life for his...as he has said he would do for me..
Is this what was intended..
Is this the death I must endure?

"Pride can stand
a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars
without you
My soul cries
Heaving heart
is full of pain
Oooh, oooh, the aching
'Cause I'm
kissing you,
oooh
I'm kissing you,
oooh
Touch me deep
pure and true
Give to me
forever
'Cause I'm
kissing you,
oooh
I'm kissing you,
oooh
Where are you now ?
Where are you now ?
Cause I'm
kissing you
I'm kissing you...

The song i told him to listen to whenever he missed me...
He used to miss me so badly...
I would do everything in my power to take away his loneliness...
it wasnt enough..
I wasnt enough
How could he just go on living knowing what we had?
How does this not hurt him?
Did he ever truly love me at all?
Will he ever love another more than me?
Could he?
Will he ever share the words that we shared... with another?
No... please god no, I am the love of his life...
Don't let him forget.
We are meant to be.

Don't say you love me, Until its your dying breath!
Don't lead me on a path that you don't plan to walk with me
Don't pull me up if you only plan to drop me when its all too much
Don't cry for me to love you... You know not what you ask!
Don't wish for someone like me... You know not what you want.
Don't build your world around mine... its not a strong foundation.
Don't crave for my arms around you, because i will never let go
Don't wait for me to love you... I already do.
Don't swear on eternity, if you do not understand
Don't pray for my Love if you dont intend to accept it with all your heart
Don't swear you will never give up on me... if you are weak.
Don't chase me, if you cannot keep up.
Don't open my eyes, if you dont want to open yours
Don't let your heart beat for me, if you dont want to live.
Don't hold me, if you need to let go
Don't give me your heart and soul... cause i refuse to give it back
Don't cherish me, unless you do it for all time

I am not a game. I am not a prize. I am human.
Here on earth just as you.
Suffering, Loving, Living, PRAYING... just like you.
I hurt. I cry. I feel.
So your angel wasnt what you'd expected... but you asked for me to fall... FOR YOU!!
You asked for me... and you walked away.

Never again.

He will never say he loves me again...
I will never gaze into his pure blue eyes
I will never feel his hand on my cheek
We will never laugh together again
We will never dream together again
We will never stand in eachothers presence again
He will never run to the door to meet me...
He will never kiss the lips he couldnt help but stare at
We will never hold one anothers hand as we worship our lord again
He will never read the bible to me
He will never write me such beautiful words as he once wrote
He will never answer my call in the night when life isnt going so right
He will never tell me all the things he loves about me, because he doesnt love them anymore
He will never reach out for me, because i am not the one he wants in his arms anymore
He will never defend me again, because he doesnt care if i fall
He will never miss me the way i miss him, because he is running from what we were and pushing the feelings somewhere he cannot reach them any longer
He will never dream of me and wake up smiling again....calling me in his morning voice i so tenderly loved
I once never had to wonder if he was thinking about me at any point of the day, because i knew he was... now i wonder if he will ever think of me again
We will never have a child of our own, not a Talia or Elijah... nothing
We will never walk down that isle of church and confess our love for one another for the whole world to witness as we once planned...
We will never secretly plan our vows again, because they no longer exist
We will never celebrate another holiday together and thank god that we are together, because we are not.
I will never hear another song that fills me with bliss... because he is gone, I cant relate any longer.
God... why? Why?
I want my angel back.

Where did it go wrong...

Up until the moment I walked into the room monday morning, everything was so beautiful and right...

On our way to missouri, chris surprised me with a wonderful easter card...by reading it and what he wrote, i was clueless he was about to leave me...

"As long as I live, Ill always be there to do anything for you, or go anywhere.
As long as forever, my love will be true-
And as long s I live, Ill love only you!
Happy Easter

(May god shine upon you baby with many blessings this easter holiday. I love you so much and i am totally glad I am spending this blessed holiday with my true soulmate! Thats love lovi and thats you sweetheart.
True passion comes from within, that is how a man or woman is defined!
Always k? Christy)"

What did i do so wrong in missouri? What stole away this happiness i once gave him?

I remember we were at "the castle" and i walked off with my son. A few minutes later Chris came looking for me, I said "Id hoped you'd come" he replied "Ill always come looking for you" Thats when i told him "Thats one of the things i love so much about you baby" and i stopped to put my arms around him and kiss him =)

I feel that I loved him as much as i possibly could. I feel that i took every moment and cherished it... I have so many beautiful memories that he and i made together... so many precious words we have spoken to one another... so much life created when we were together...

I would do it all over again, but i would change a few things...

I would have been stronger and asked him to wait until the divorce was final.
I would have gotten emotional medical help and started my recovery a long time ago had i known he wouldnt lose respect for me being on medication. I thought he would see me as a weak person and i didnt want to lose him. Instead, not seeking help pushed him away =
I would have quit that stupid life sucking game the minute he walked in the door, and held his hand every minute he was in my presence...
I would have went for long walks, taken him out to spend time with my family (even if they embarrased me at times, but hey thats family)

I would have turned on every song we ever shared and danced in his arms every single night before bed...

I would have watched alias with him and learned how to rollerblade just so he could help me up when i fall..hehe

I would have sat and cuddled with him rubbing his hair while he watched star trek...

Id have secretly learned to play chess...just so i could surprise him when he asked me to play...

I would have stayed up as long as i had to that night i put in pigtails for him, just so we could play around like the tards we were...

Id have bought a watch and set it to 422 just so i could pounce on him for our kisses AS soon as 423 hit... nothing should have been more important

and i see this all too late.

I promised to love him like he has never been loved before, and i failed.

I would have sang to him the song i promised to sing to him on our wedding day "From this moment on"

I would have married this man blindly at the altar... and through everything, I honestly still would. I dont care what the world thinks, I know that those that care about us, hope to see us back together once again... being "That couple" yeah... That Couple!

"i cant remember where i was before you
and i cant imagine where id be without you
so on the day that celebrates you coming into this world...
I celebrate the day of you coming into my life"

a birthday card that made me think how badly i wanted to be hearing thos words from him on my birthday...

Hush.

"Me? How about my fiancé...yeah. That’s way more interesting! Her name is Katie. She is most definitely the woman of my dreams and my twin soul. Wonderful and precious she is and such a beautiful smile she has and with one glance should i could fall in love with her all over again. She is the kindest most generous person on the face of this planet. She truly is worth wars to be fought over for her..."

How could I not be in disbelief that this wonderful person doesn't love me anymore?

I have decided to write myself a goodbye letter from christy...

Hush my precious angel
You have fallen and broke your wings
Forgotten how to fly..
Forgotten why you fell
The world around us has not paused their lives in the aftershock
instead we sit miles apart, with our heads in our hands and our hearts on the floor.
Our souls will never be free
Our minds will forever be haunted by one anothers presence
Hush my precious angel
I cannot withstand to hear your cries
Your begging for me to stay and hold you just one moment longer
Your promises to change what made things unkind
Shhh...its not your fault
I cannot take away your pain any longer
I cannot carry your burdens by your side
I need to see you stand, but I can no longer carry you
Hush my precious angel
Your eyes are gazing into my soul and you know where to touch me to stir the pain.
The song you sing is one that will shatter hearts of those who have loved and lost... I cannot listen for it to will shatter mine
You will re-open the wounds that i need to heal
My heart may ache into eternity if i do not remove this ring
Hush my precious angel..
I am sorry for all of our pain
I am sorry that you will wake in the night hurting...crying out to me
I am sorry you can no longer be a part of my world
I am sorry I have to be so cold
Shhh....listen
The birds are singing outside your window, they have not gone, remember me in the way I used to talk to you about hearing them.
The clothes I once wore as we held eachother, still hang in your closet, remember how my flesh was once covered in these.
The space beside you in your bed at night still holds my presence in your mind, remember always the love we made, the way I would look into your eyes, the way my hands carressed your body in pure love....and only love.
The sun still shines in your eyes, it is still shining, leaving the most beautiful brown eyes glowing with the fire of your soul, remember the way I used to admire the many shades of your eyes.
Your lips still pass breath, you are still breathing, remember how i would gaze upon your lips, how i would kiss them at any chance we were allowed, remember that feeling throughout your body each and every time our lips met.
Your heart still beats, you are still alive, remember how I swore my heart was beating for you and only you...forever. Remember how you would lay your head on my chest and listen.
Our picture still sets on your nightstand, we were once so alive with passion, remember all those moments we captured, in our hearts, our souls, and our minds. Remember how each and every moment we spent together was precious and real... no one can ever take those moments away from you. At times you may wish you could erase them all, but they linger.
The letters I have written to you in my many confessions of love that i swore was endless, may have ended but remember I believed in myself as much as you did. Although I may have failed you, I know I will never feel that way for another person on this earth
Hush, you are a precious angel
Too much for a mere mortal like me
All the promises I have given you, I am taking away
All the dreams we built together, I am tearing down
I didnt come here to leave you
I didnt come here to lose
I didnt come here believing that i would ever be without you
I didnt come here to find out there was a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by my faith in love
...and i lost faith.
Im sorry, I have to go.

"Im not accepting this is real until you come here and leave, then call me and say when can I come back"

In a world as cold as stone... must I walk this path alone?

My father cried with me last night... last time i seen him cry was when i was in the hospital 6 years ago.. on the night that god said No.. you are not leaving this way. He said, "Im crying because when you hurt.. I hurt.. and its killing me. I Need you to get better. I Need you to come out of this...for us. Please Kate...I need you in this life."

*sigh*

Even in my darkest hours I am pulling down on everyone around me...they are trying to hold me up and carry me through this, but my heart, my soul, is cemented to the very spot of where the destruction of what I thought was Forever. I am supposed to love him into eternity, but without him there is no where left to go... no where else Id rather be but settling in the memory of "what was"

Be with me now...
please let me rest with you in my presence lord.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm!!

I dreamt of him last night, I was finally able to sleep...
He was sitting across from me and my heart was all put back together.
This has truly changed me and everything I have always felt for him is so much more intense than it has ever been...
I pray that his ability to talk to me will come soon.
I pray that he has faith in love Above all!
I read a prayer he wrote for me last year... I cried and I smiled and I put my tiny ounce of joy in a bottle for when I will need it the most.

"A prayer. Jesus. The King of Kings. The lord of lords. The alpha and Omega. I thank you. I thank you for bringing Katie (my eternal beloved) into my life. I thank you for everything you have done in our relationship. The perfect timing. The perfect words that were said. I thank you for the wrong word or actions that were taken place. I thank you for that because it brought us even closer and stronger in each others souls instead of pushing eachother away we grew tighter within eachother. Ithank you Lord God for your love which in turns allows us to love. My love for this woman is far greater than anything imaginable. I confess at your feet lord. I confess my love for this woman. This perfect woman that completes me. Lord if i were to break my heart in two and throw a piece of it away I know that the piece she has will fit perfectly into mine making me whole...making us whole. Lord please continue to bless our life, our futures, our love for eachother. There is no end in sight. Only new beginnings. And our beginning is about to commence. And with you by our side we will triumph in all obstacles. Lord. I thank you yet again. *deep breath* . Amen."

Far away lyrics

Far Away - Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
if I don't see you anymore
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing,
'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go

Pulling through...

I am putting my faith where it needs to be right now. In love, In god, In Chris.

I saw you... You were a sign.
I didnt hear what you were saying but i saw the look in your eyes
I couldnt understand why i wasnt enough
Im lost without him
Calling out in the night
Praying for the words that he intends to marry me as soon as things are right.
"This is not over"
Those words, the tiny ounce of hope he left in my soul...steal my heart and run it far from where I stand.
Those around me have become a life support system
waiting for the call to turn it off
We went through hell to be together. We pulled eachother through when one was weak, we carried one another.
I want to remain strong for him, with him.
I want to offer the comfort he needs right now.
Mom says I should write because thats what im good at.
I thought i would be able to write through this, but no words are coming to me, only emotion.
Im so scared he will never return to me..
I promise I am not trying to make his life harder
It is hard enough for me to pull myself together to live my day to day life. Is it so wrong in the middle of the night when the thoughts take over me I reach out for him?
I went through some of the emails we have shared and god they made my heart so warm.
I drew him a picture...of one of the last greatest moments we spent with eachother..

It was of a purple tree in the storm we held eachother in...

So lost.

Jesus,

I am asking you for guidance right now. I am asking for strength.
I am asking for peace in my soul...
If chris is to not return to me, please i beg of you give me the will to live. Share with me your heavenly love. Embrace me in my lonely hours that are to come if he leaves me. Both of our worlds are falling apart without eachother, but only mine will be better if he returns. I am not enough. I am simply not enough. Forgive me if I m not strong enough to go on.
Please forgive me.

Im trying so hard to tell myself that he is gone..
Mom pointed out the 4 things he left me on his desk
Our baby, the ewok he bought for me in Florida, in happier times id say, hell any time before today was a happier time
A picture of him sitting on our bed, a picture that I had spent many lonely nights crying to, looking at, sleeping with, praying for...
His bible he dedicated to me...promised to buy me a bible and found it more meaningful to give me his...
Our engagement ring...I have given you my heart and soul now I ask will you accept it? Yes baby, I do. You are My soul, You are My heart. You are the storm that guides me. I know your confused right now, but god is sending me so many messages today. You are making a stand for what you believe in. You are doing what is hard for you and I both for your place at the throne with our lord. For our place there. And if you never return to me, just know I am putting this in God's hands, he will not abandon me. When he makes a promise... he doesnt go back on it. He doesnt make mistakes. I am not Your mistake. I was created for you, and you for me... I will take your memory "into eternity" as I promised, and my promise will stand just as one should. You are such a precious soul, and by now I wish things had been different. I wish my bed was warm with your body. Instead cold sheets await my arrival. I wish this pain in my stomach were only from not having the will to eat. Instead it is the emptiness of my soul that has become...me. I wish I had loved you every day as it were our last day together. Instead, I depended on having the rest of my life to catch up on the love I should have given you yesterday. I wish as I wrapped my arms around you crying and pleading to god to keep you with me, that he had answered my prayer. Instead silence. I wish you had kissed me goodbye and promised to return. But instead you told me to remember you love me...how could I forget?

Now you can see why I felt I could never love again. Now I see why I should have trusted myself for once. But again I side with the fact that I believe you were sent to me by god himself. I believe You were "the one" he has wanted me to prepare for. I believe in God's will. You showed me the way to him. You made me want so badly to be a better person. Your love for me, and my love for you made me understand a tiny ounce of how unconditionally jesus loves us. One day it just dawned on me as my understanding of Christ often does...I couldnt Fathom the amount of Love he had in his soul...to love EVERYONE as much as I loved you.
Now I can almost fathom other things Jesus went through. Sacrifice.

Mom forgot to mention one thing you left for me...
Emptiness.

But she said baby, look at the things he left for you here...
This is your answer.

She gave me the longest hug ever before she left.
She told me, He is doing what he feels is right, he wasnt ready for you, he may never be. But you have to let him do this, even if he isnt coming back to you. I know she is worried about me coming out of this alive. I told her goodbye and when she left, fell to the floor to cry once again.

God, when will my time come to live life with happiness? When will my suffering end? When will you bring him back to me?

...never let go

Christopher walked out on me today...
The shock is gone and the pain has set in. I am dying.
He tore my heart in little pieces and let them lay there on the floor as I begged him to stay. I pleaded for him to stay that Id make myself better Id do anything for him to stay...he denied me. He looked away and said he wishes I understood. His cousin said to me, just let him go, and I replied "Would you let him go?" she didnt reply...

I am so scared and helpless, my world just left me. I told myself I didnt want to answer his calls, then it scared me that he wasnt calling at all... so I broke down and called him, only to have my pleas denied once again.

Why have I become so easy to walk away from?
How could he just say he made a mistake?

Baby, I love you more than this breath I am dreadfully breathing right now. No one could ever understand our love. No one will ever know the sacrifices we have made for eachother... but now I am the one being sacrificed. He said he didnt know if there was someone out there better for him when I asked if he thought there was. In fact, the only thing he said to most of my questioning and pleas is just that... "I dont know"

I need him so bad god... GOD PLEASE bring him back to me, I double my promises to never forsake this man. I swore I would give my life for this man, but is this what has become? Am I to give myself internal death for his happiness..God why was I not enough. Please answer me this time, I have spent over a year opening my life to you, allowing you to mold me and become what you want of your children,,,, what lesson am i to learn from this? Can you hear me? Bring him back to me... please please please......

"I turned the world upside down just to be with you"

I had to leave a message because he wont answer my calls anymore...

Im not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of losing you... your the only reason im trying...everything is clear to me, till i hit reality and i lose it all...i lose itall....

I have lost it all...

I thought he loved me enough to get through this. I thought being together was enough, and at times I didnt believe was enough and he stopped me and made me see... it was. I want to be there with him so badly, I want to be in his arms rght now, I dont want these tears to burn through my eyes anymore... Baby...

come back to me.

I never looked away from you.... or our love, I never planned for anything other than to love you and only you for the rest of our lives...
I pictured our future over and over again, and i was scared, but you were by my side. I can't go on without you my love. I refuse to live until I am living with you. Don't let this be the end of what we were meant to become...You know god gave us free will...and yet you know he inspired our love... He will forgive us baby. He will. I know this.

Trying to break away...

I feel like I am a million miles from home. I feel like I am so far gone from who I want to be.
Like I will never be right inside...That my soul will never recreate my mind.
I wish I could erase who I have become and start over.
I fight myself day and night.
I hate this person inside of me...
I need to revive this death inside of me. I am carrying around this emptiness like it still belongs to me.
I want to let it go... but it comes out in my words..
it comes out as such an evil darkness that I spend so much of my time wishing I could not speak.
I am crying out more than I can breath...
NO MORE PAIN....
I want to fall away from who I am
I want to walk away from these ways
I want to speak from my heart...has my heart become so cold?
My chest hurts with anger of my past
Why cant I escape?

There is nothing left of you...

December 11th 2005

There is nothing left of you…

I hear you
Calling out for me tonight
I am so interrupted
Don’t know which way I am going
Can’t remember where I have been
I am just running
Staring at the light in the distance
Let me go…
Don’t make this harder on us both
You killed me
You ripped my soul from my skin and pretended to be true
Go... there is no place for you here
You bled my heart and thrived from its essence
You walked with your head held high
My body lying shaken on the ground in your shadow
You never looked back for a moment
You never thought… What Have I done?
Decisions were simple when you were the one in control
Life was beautiful when things went your way
And your way was the only way
My words were held like water in your paper heart
My love for you was a pretty little granule of sand sitting in your palm
Easily thrown down to the ground and forgotten
Once I was your goddess, you my precious love
I am not fallen anymore love
You have no power here
God did Not take me that fateful night as I begged for his mercy
He left me, silent he remained
He did not comfort and shield me from the agony of being dead inside
He did not give me my dying breath as I wished
No words of comfort rang true to me
Nothing was left in my world without you
He let me hurt, he let me cry
He let me dance with the devil in the light of the moon
He left the memory of you deep within me love
And Now…
Now I know why
You are the curse breathed of the foulest kind
You are death within life
Within YOU is nothing without another lifting you high
Within you is an emptiness suited for the darkest of Gods creatures
You know not heaven or hell, only what is before you
YOU are broken with no where to turn
I see it in your eyes and like an angel of mercy I tried to take you away from your pain
You will never be the crescent moon in my silent night
What an angry soul you hold inside
What a tangled web you weave, and I am no longer entangled in it with you
I am without you
And my name will ring that light of happiness you once knew
You will be the one left in the darkness of this world
You will be the one left with less than a spark of hope
Every night you will look upon yourself and wonder where you went wrong
Every night you will fall asleep praying to not be awakened
God will not answer your prayers
Just as he did not answer mine that night
He has His plan, and he doesn’t play by your rules
You will suffer through what you have created
No second chances, there is only one chance in this lifetime
Either you take it or you don’t
I have been chosen, one of the precious few
Everything is going according to plan
God did not forsake me, he embraced me
You were lead blindly out of my life
You, confused and swearing you will always love me,
Me, fighting to keep you in my arms
But see it’s not your fault…
You know not what you do
You know not what you ran into, when You ran into me
You were to never receive what I am
Only to taste what an angel is
A fallen angel with a lonely human soul
I was not allowed to love until my eyes were truly opened to my path
But I did. I gave you the purest love and I recall your words
“I can’t believe someone loves me this much”
If you were the one, you’d have known
We are ALL loved THAT much
Jesus loves each and every one of us THAT much
If you were the one, you’d have believed
And now, many moons after you, I have risen again
Risen, holding the hand of god
Risen, standing in his magnificent light
Risen, walking a well lit path of love and truth
God has sent me one of my own kind
The one he has prepared me for my whole life
He has sent me one of his most beautiful angels to walk by my side
One who has fought to remove the ashes left by YOU
One who has been so patient with my tears
One who has been blessed by your absence
Your walking away and allowing me to grow
Saving me from years of continuing in the wrong direction
My angel was blessed by what you could not hold
He was blessed by what you could not understand
He was blessed by your ignorance
You will never be the one
There is nothing left of you

Tell me...

Look at me. Tell me can you see what is killing me?
Can you see the thoughts I fight every day and night?
Can you tell me what I do that has been wrong is suddenly right?
When I dream, is it you standing there waiting for me?
Where do you see us in the end?
How happy will we be?
Will there be anything left to smile about?
What will be left to make us laugh?
Do emotions really run dry? Is it inevitable?
Are they here now, and trickle out until there is nothing left?
Look at me, here I go again.
So lost.
I can’t see any further than what I am now
I can’t help but doubt what I will become
I can’t help but fight falling
The thought of being complete is killing me
The thought of the search being over is not what I had in mind
But here it is, before me, and I tremble and twist every emotion until it doesn’t feel so nice
I’m hiding.
I like it when you can’t find me
I like knowing your thinking about me
It’s me.
Will I change?
Do people Ever change?
I never thought that I could love someone so much that I hate it.
What IF love isn’t enough?
What if Love is the only reason we are... what we are?
Am I missing something? Is there something I’m not able to perceive?
IS love enough?
Is that all we need to write happily ever after?
Why am I so afraid to know?
Why does it seem I am looking for more questions?
Why can’t I just let it be simple?
Why can’t I just KNOW that in 23 years, we will be looking back to these times and laughing with one another… will we?
Will we learn to hate one another?
Will we be disappointed?
Will we regret our decision based on love?
Will we say to ourselves, where was the logical thinking.
Will we be old and bitter?
Will I wonder what happened to the way I used to gaze at you with the sparkle of life emanating from my soul?
Why do I push you away?
Tell me. Please.

Slipping from truth...

Searching my soul tonight
For a simple answer or ray of light
I cannot stand long enough to fight
Between what is wrong and what was right

Searching my heart within
There are so many places to begin
Its always cold its always dim
I just need to be with him

I am closing my eyes this time
He is much stronger than I am

There are so many miles between us
So many hours of time
So many faces and lives passing me by
So many worlds I will never be a part of

Why cant I breath his kiss?
Why cant I be in His world?
Why cant he be touching me?
Why is he pushing me away?

HE gave me life and is taking it away
He is tearing my soul, day by day
Where is my faith in what was meant to be?
Why am I not good enough for him to be here with me?

I wanted to be his only star
I wanted to be the only one his heart needs
I wanted to be the arms that he ran to
I wanted to be the soul that he takes to heaven with him
I wanted to be the one he would die for
I wanted to be the most important thing in his life
I wanted to be the only person that came between him and me.

Where do I go with this?
When my thoughts are too much to share with him
When my tears are falling For him
When I have sacrificed myself for what he needs

I know time will heal these wounds
I know I have given him a love I did not know I had
I know he was the one meant for me
I know this, but are we only meant to know love for one another
And never get to experience the full means of what could be?

Why do I feel like I should let him be free
Why do I feel that I should make a decision that may kill us both
Why do I feel he would be better off without me in his life
Why do I feel I should have stopped this before it began
I feel like I am so deeply in love with him it may be unhealthy
I cant talk to him without feeling deprived
I can’t stop these thoughts that I Hate to think
These thoughts are so far from the truth and yet I Feel them
My feelings are not coinciding with reality
Have I lost reality altogether?

He has stopped confessing his love to me as we have spent many nights
He no longer gets excited to hear from me
He no longer wonders why I haven’t called yet
I am an emotional burden
And when I express my needs, he feels like he is inadequate
And when I hold them inside I feel neglected

I know that distance kills our relationship
And we have gotten to the point where we should be ready to live in each others lives
Yet we are not, we are stuck in this dull slump of nothing but empty, lonely time
I know how I feel and I know he doesn’t feel the same way
Which brings me to question if he has rethought every word he has ever said
Has he reconsidered what he wanted to be to me
Has he realized how difficult things truly are… in the real life?

I need to leave him alone.
It isn’t until you are without that you truly realize what you had.
I know I will miss him more than I will miss being alive after death
I know he is what I live for and the pain of missing him will keep me alive
I feel like a horrible ugly sin in his life
I feel like he feels guilty for loving me
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
What is so wrong with love?

RUN...

I reach to the bottom and stir…
Feel, stop running.
Hiding yourself behind feeling too much, when you have in turn deprived yourself from all else.
Denying those you have found, those you have loved so passionately
Those your fire still burns for.
You will never be able to forget.
And yet you close your eyes and your soul shutters.
You KNOW…you know.
Their memory comes in songs and no other can be felt in the words
On my knees, hands tied behind myself… no pleads for mercy, no attempt to escape
Just dying to be owned. Dying to feel SO much Id never run away.
My wrists are sore, twisting to be free
My knees, weak and fragile, I want to rest where I never want to leave.
I want to fall and not get back up
I want to desire for eternity
I want to collide and Win for once.
Is that so wrong... What makes me so bad?
I want him to look at me and fuck the world…
I want him to push me down and hold me so fucking tight I can barely breathe
“I’m not going anywhere”
“I will fight with you”
“Fuck the world baby”
“I can’t believe you found me”
“I can’t believe where you take me”
Without you, I have never lived
Before you there was nothing
Now, there is everything and I will stop at nothing to build your castle
Stay here… no come with me, stand close behind and watch me do this... for You
You are my goddess
My soul
I will build this world around us, my hands will bleed and you will kiss them
No more pain, no more insanity.
Your thoughts are real, you KNEW… you knew and you are free now
Don’t run from your thoughts.
Don’t hide from your reality
You are the only one strong enough to hear the whispers
You are the only one not afraid of the worlds you must crash through
You are my porcelain goddess and I will worship thee with every second I am given
I don’t fear you’re leaving, for you fought so hard to get to me…
I rise to my feet and gaze at the beauty of our kingdom
What a beautiful place he has built around us
So secure, i'm not afraid.
Wait
I miss the fear
I miss the pain
I miss the aching of my heart to be consumed
I miss the tears, crying out for him
I miss his absence
I miss my insanity…
He looks away for a second
I run for the draw bridge
I scream… I fall.
He turns to see me run, starts running with such confusion in his eyes.
I can hear the quivering in my breath as I know not what compels me to run
I run so fast and never look back... until the screams disappear
Till he can no longer find me
Until I am free once again.
I throw myself down wildly to the ground, I cry so hard my heart feels like it has been shattered, the pieces tearing their way through my veins, body shaking, blood running from my knees.
I’m so lonely
So alone
And for a moment there is no emotion left to feel.
Only numbness I find all too familiar
A silence I dread
A wide eyed woman in her search for love
I nurse my wounds and admire my bruises
For a moment I am to be free, but a prisoner to one
I can never run from myself.

Shhh...

His eyes, like gentle veils of mist welcoming the morning sun.
Stolen… my breath. I know not how to breathe
All the world has left… he pulls me into his arms with his hand wrapped in my hair
I welcome this serenity he has created in my honor.
Through a tiny keyhole… he allows me to view… the door never locked, some things are more beautiful when they do not know you are watching them…
And I watched.. With such intent... I looked.
This creator of sights, this liver of dreams,
Reaches out for my hand and dances with me in the candle light set before us
Sifting through the ashes of the fires burned before this day
Smoldering as the wind places her caress within the fragile debris
Our beings simply dance throughout the night.
Left behind the guilt that whispers in the shadows
Released the worries that encase and paralyze what we truly are, having been spun into its dismal web
Fall free from all that ever was and Be.
For once we are alive within one another’s souls, even just for a moment as we close our eyes and see Still.
The end won’t come so quietly…
Our skin not abandoned with time but embraced by the memory of what was.
The everlasting wake created by the passionate crash into my existence.
To worship in blindness of what tomorrow brings
To kiss the lips whose touch may never bestow upon yours ever again…
Shhh… The thunderstorm is here… holding me into its glory. Let’s just Be.