Thursday, May 25, 2006

My goodbye?

I am sorry but I cannot pretend to only want to be your friend. I have been nothing but truthful with you.. always, and the truth is.. It is too hard for me to talk to you right now. I need time to get over you. I cant help but secretly hope that every time i see your name on my phone that you are calling to say...
"Baby this hurts too much, I need you. I want to marry you!"

I know you are happy now and I am sorry i cannot be one more friend on your list of people to call for support. I am not strong enough.

You were the shining star of my existance and now there is only eclipse apon my soul in your absence.

"Once in your life you find someone"
"Who will turn your world around"
"Pick you up when your feeling down"

Only once? That scares me. Someone told me the only thing that can take away the pain is a greater love.. so now I pray that it exists.. a "greater" love... someone that for once will not walk away from me.

Right now I am content in remembering who you used to be.. the man who used to wonder what i was doing always, if i drank my water, what i was eating for dinner...

My Fiance died April 17th 2006... he was such a precious soul. I know he would have wanted to be there with me on my birthday, i know he would have wanted me to be happy, and he was there with me in my heart... I know he would have wanted to see me smile with his own eyes, had he still been able to open them. I know my fiance believed in sickness and in health.. and he would have held my hand in the clinic as i waited scared and crying, I know he would have sat with me as i talked about my past and handed me tissues.. he was a beautiful man..

He and i were relentlessly in love... two stubborn taurus's in love that would stop at nothing to be together.. "No matter what"

I will think about him till the day he and I are reunited in heaven, cause I know he will be there, and I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life to meet him there. I know he is waiting for me and has faith that I wont let him down. That I wont leave him there alone. I know if he were alive, he would be thinking about me this very moment.. cause there was never a minute gone by that he wasnt thinking about me. I know that if he were alive, He would be confessing his love to me, and I to him.. and that makes me happy...

That is how I choose to live now. In memory of what was... in memory of who you once were.

I will call you when I am healed...if ever. I will call you when friends is all I want to be. When I have found that "greater love", When I have replaced my best memories with something more beautiful. Until then... can we just correspond through email or Im's?

This song is for him, I am dancing with him right now.. holding him in my arms, kissing his cheek, looking into his eyes and smiling.. he is smiling back at me and we have tears in our eyes.. because we are together... for always.. and nothing is greater than that.

No comments: