Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Lies speak such beauty!

I say I no longer feel.. I no longer love.. I no longer miss you…
I have taught myself to deceive myself in all ways
Because I do not want to love.. You
Because I do not want to miss you.
I just want to erase what we were. I want to erase everything we had been.
I want to take away the day we met and undo everything that had become..
I want to untangle the web we created and run from the love you gave me
I should have ran and never looked back.. Had I ran then.. It would not have hurt so badly
Now I cannot even feel the pain anymore.
I have become numb to all things around me..
And yet I have learned to love things I should not love.
You took away the purity I once believed in.. Now I just don’t care anymore
You took away the faith I had in forever.. Now I am content to live in the day
What was once so pure and strong has now become weak and careless..
I just don’t care..
Take me away to the fiery pits of hell
If loving myself and loving others is not enough
If giving all that I am to those that reach out for me is not enough
If reaching out to the blind and giving them something to believe in is not enough
I Can’t give what I am not
I cannot be anything more
If loving a man so much that you will let him enter your body and create a union nothing can come closer to.. is a sin.. So be it
If making love is denying ones faith.. So be it
If trying to love another more than what we once had is wrong…
If pulling him into my arms while I push you out of my mind is wrong…
If running my hand down his chest.. allowing the sensation to rush through our bodies is wrong…Bring me death
To live without is far worse than being in death without
My heart is pure.. My soul is dirty..
It craves what I am told to reject
Why have I been created this way?
Should I even wonder at all?
Does spending a lifetime rejecting what you want so badly make you feel alive?
Are you living at all.. When you no longer feel alive outside of these arms?
You are so weak.. We could have been “the ones”
Everyone wants to be loved..
Sometimes so much that they will deny all else until they have it
But you… You had a love that all others would die for and you walk away?
You possessed a heart so passionate to please you for eternity..
You had a woman that wanted nothing more than to simply die in your arms..
And you leave her to die… alone
I would have given 1000 nights of nothingness to live in the everything that we were.
You have forsaken me…
And you expect me to feel…what is it you want me to be able to feel now?
You took this wounded heart and built a world around it.. A fortress.. meant to protect me from all else..
But it could not protect me from you
I hate you…for making me love you
I hate you for showing me what I can not have
I hate you for giving me a dream and making me wake up
The man you have become.. trying to hide yourself in your bible
Trying to pretend you are doing the right thing
Trying to tell yourself… what you are doing is righteous and pure
The damage is done
The words spoken..
The blood has been spilt in your name
Honor this love.. Honor this now..
Tears have been shed for your “commitment”
You have made me the great sacrifice for your soul
When you could have walked away..
Your selfishness
Your naivety
Your own desires that became you..
Only one hurts now.. because of YOU
You say you tried to save me.. but now all is lost
You pushed me further from the world than I have ever been.. and I fear I am spinning out of control..
It’s ok.. it is.. I don’t care
I want to spin..
I want to find my truth.. My truth
I will find my Faith.. My faith
Inside of me..
Not inside some book
Not inside the walls of a building
Not at an altar
But inside of me..
If I don’t have faith in myself.. who will?
Knowledge is power.
Ignorance is bliss.
Do you see?? Your happy ignoring how you feel.. not knowing what I am feeling..
But is it right?
Never knowing how you tore another person down.. Will you ever grow if you ignore what you have done?
Run from me love.. Run far.. you may not want to know.. But I’ll be damned if the rest of the world doesn’t.
Seems poetic doesn’t it.. Such beauty in the darkness..
Many will read these words.. Some will feel.. But only one has lived it
“I love you as much as I love Jesus Christ.. and the day I stop loving him is the day I will stop loving you”
Oh you had a way of making me believe didn’t you?
A way with words.. Given my trust in your faith that you would never betray what I have given to you.. Never forsake our bond..
Lies speak such beauty…
Don’t they?

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