Numb?

I was driving home tonight with this empty feeling. A feeling like nothing was left inside of me. Was this happiness? Was this pain? If you could choose to feel nothing.. would you?
I did not know why this feeling came over me. But I know I have had it before. Then I felt this burning in my heart. Something is wrong. I feel it. I do not know what it is, but it is lingering in th shadows. It will eventually be brought to light. I mean all we have is time to wait and see right?

Tonight I called Greg. I told him about these feelings and of course he answered with his usual "I dunno" and "maybe". God I sometimes feel I know this man inside out. But to be honest, I am afraid of him. My heart was telling me to have a heart to heart with him. To sit down and tell him how much he means to you. To take this moment and make it into your own. CReate.. Not Wait. I walked away from his house tonight, too afraid to do that. Instead I did do it on the phone. But it just isnt the same. I let myself down. I let my heart down. Why am I so weak?

I ask myself now, Why? Why am I afraid of him? To be honest. I am simply afraid I am too much for him. I am afraid my emotions are unwanted, my speaking from my heart makes him uncomfortable. He has never shunned me for it. He has always told me to be me, and let him be him. So why am I so afraid? Ohhh I know. Because I do not want to lose him. See most of us would die for someone to stop in their tracks and turn to you and say, "You know, you are so precious to me, I love who you are, and I am so glad you are in my life." But Greg, I dont know, he is different. He doesn't want someone to be attached to him. Someone to need him. Because he does not want to Do that in return. He wants to be a loner, a desperado. And yet I, have penetrated his life. I walked in and stole a little piece of his heart. He is not fighting for it back, but sometimes I feel he fights letting his whole heart become mine.

I fight to be all of what he wants, and as little as possible of what he does not want. Yet, He, does not dance around me as I dance for him. If he is crabby, he will be crabby. If he does not want to be touched, he will not allow himself to be touched. If he wants to hear my voice, he will call me. He said, "Just because I am not calling you, does not mean I am not thinking about you." I get that, and since the day he has said that I hold it in my heart, just as I have every thing he has ever said to me. He has no shame. He appears to have no weakness. He does what he wants, when he wants to do it.. and that is how he is.

So where am I left in all of this. Realizing I "reserve the rights" to speak. I am left asking myself "Why?" That if I hold in what I want to say.. I am not me. If I hold back from touching him when I want to.. I am not me. If I hold back from calling him when I miss him.. I am not me. I cannot love this man inside my head. I must love him in the actions my heart tells me to take.
Kiss him when my lips are lonely. Hold him when my arms feel empty. Reach for him when I want to see him reach back.

Would you rather feel numb? Or would you rather feel your heart swell? Even if you risk feeling it break some day. Would you capture moments as if they were your last? Or would you walk away never knowing what tomorrow brings? That tomorrow they could say goodbye. Tomorrow they could no longer feel what they did today. That Tomorrow, they were unable to feel at all.
At least they will be left with the memory of what it WAS to be loved. To know that this person was strong enough to face their fears of rejection and Open their heart to you. Atleast in the end, there will be no doubt. That your heart was completely theirs, whether they wanted it or not.

Promise in your heart.

Paint me a picture in shades of blue
So when my heart feels lost
I can still find you

Ask me to dance while the rain pours down
So i can dance alone and remember
Where my heart was finally found

Sing to me a song that will forever play in my heart
So i can listen to it again and again
When we have to be apart

Tell me Never, Always, Forever
That nothing in this world
could keep us from being together

I am falling asleep
Writing this for you
But my mouth can't say
What my heart wants me to

Nails on heads
Tongue being bitten
Your heart feels shamed
By what mine has written

Give to me a ring on my pinky
A promise we can share
To tell me Always and forever
You will be by my side, You swear
To say each heart beat.. is a precious gift
And wherever you are..
You can feel it
From there

Fallen for you.

Im staring blankly at the wall
to figure where i was before the fall
Days gone by and still my eyes follow
Where you plan to be tomorrow

Church bells ringing and your not smiling
Babies born I cry, you cringe
Lovers embrace, you turn your head
Pulling me closer you should be, Instead

I can appreciate this precious ache
Cause I know that I am still feeling
I can love you for many things
if only to leave my heart revealing

No lies but truth,
I give into you
The silence wakes me
Nothing I can do
'sept watch for the little things
and hope you see them too

I fell Here to hold your heart
There is nothing saying
we should be apart

I fell Here, to show you the way
To open your eyes
and give you a reason to pray

Friday morning I'll make that call
To take me back
into the arms I fall

No easy way back from where I came
But to live this angels dream
and make it through the pain

To stand before, not step aside
To pull you from the shadows
In which you reside
Im not going back
without you by my side

What will it take to make you cry
What are the fears you hold inside
Let me hold you, I am yours
Forever beside you
Fighting wars

What will it take to make you see
Forever is where I long to be
In your days and in your nights
Through your mistakes
Through your re-writes

What can I say that will make you hear
My name whispered within your ear
The loudest thunder from the smallest tear
Stolen away, just to have you here

I ask for you.

You have stolen my sanity
I pray for a refuge with you inside of me
My heart lay still while I'm still waiting
My mind goes running through debating

The way you keep everything in its place
The way you know that look on my face

You create an uneasiness that i can't ignore
I build a world surrounded by yours

Its never easy lying here
Its just too much to face my fear

Steal me away from the sun
be that place that I lie
Why has it come down to this
Why am I missing you in my life

Im so far down
I dont know where to begin
To pick myself up
To tell you your not allowed in

I am going to run
I am going to hide
I am going to find
what i am missing inside

So push my buttons
Make it burn
and watch me cry
till you finally learn

To find your way
through my door
Will you fall again
Like you have before?

If you are left to beg
for my love in your hand
Will you lie there thoughtless
Or make that final stand?

If you are left to wonder
The worlds of why's
Will you say "If only
I did not leave her to cry?"

Can you see your distance?
Do I expect too much?
If you never see me
Will that be enough?

The whole world watching
Through rose colored glass
Will he capture this angel
Or let her pass?

The thousands waiting
To hold your place
While one heart longs
for only your embrace

Not just with your arms
but your eyes and your being
Is my heart being deceived
By what my mind is seeing?

I have said it before
I will say it again
I can't spend forever
In this game of pretend

It doesn't matter anymore
There are no words left to say
If your thrown into the wind
Will you simply fly away?

I have not caged you
You are free to fly
You are welcome to go
If your heart does not comply

Does your heart not tremble
tonight like mine
Laying your head fast asleep
Believing everything is fine

It is not supposed to end this way
I am supposed to fight
I am supposed to stay

It is not less than what I am
I ask for you
to take my hand

To hold my heart
and give to me
a reason to live
A reason..
To breathe.

Time it ended.

I can see you hated it
when i left my head hanging down
I can see there was no point
in wandering around
Its been so long now
since you have been in my dreams
When I look in from the outside,
it isnt what it seems

Too many nights spent studying you
Lost in you
MIssing you.

Lost in time to be lost by you
complicated by you
Broken wings came through

You may have walked away
but im letting you go
I can walk now too
I thought you would like to know

I have found a way to make the good times right
I have found a way to forget you at night

Your so far away from what we were
Your so different from the way you were

I know that its safe to say, im good.... without you
I know this time, I wont even think.... about you

Your lips wont return and thats just fine
Your touch is forgotten.. and its about time
You can be out of my life..

Remove this knife

Throw it aside

My arms dont ache
My heart is mended
Isnt it about time
Your memory ended?

jeff: so was it an intresting conversation
Thee_Goddess: yeah i had an epiphany
Thee_Goddess: about greg
jeff: oh yeah what about
Thee_Goddess: well
Thee_Goddess: ever since the day he said i love you
Thee_Goddess: and i ran back into his arms
Thee_Goddess: it seems i have been trying to change the man i have fallen in love with
Thee_Goddess: i have been trying to get him to show love
Thee_Goddess: in bigger ways
Thee_Goddess: and there is this song
Thee_Goddess: he played for me
Thee_Goddess: called red on a rose
Thee_Goddess: where one of the lines say
Thee_Goddess: And i love you cause i know that i cant do anything wrong
Thee_Goddess: meaning
Thee_Goddess: he loves that i love him for who he is
Thee_Goddess: the good and the bad
Thee_Goddess: and lately.. i have been too hard on him
jeff: well yeah that is amazing
Thee_Goddess: i fell in love with him for who he was
Thee_Goddess: not who i want him to be
jeff: that is very true
Thee_Goddess: gonna try to call and leave him a message

So i did, and im sure my messages out of no where are just well retarded.. but i did not want to let the moment of clarity pass me by.. although i am sure even though i felt it all so clear at the moment, that a 530am call will not be so clear to him lol. Oh well!

"I love you.. cause I know..
That i can't do anything wrong."

..and i do not ever want to take that reason away. Today is a new day for me. To take this life and simply make it mine. I fell in love with a man for who he is.. not who i want him to be.
That maybe it is time I stop thinking so much, and just start enjoying. Living for those little moments that I love so much.. Taking each one and cherishing it like "a child loves a penny"

He has given me the same.. through everything, he has accepted me for everything.
Helped me in ways he could.. just comforted me through times he couldnt.
He will be there when I need him, but not always just when I want him..
He loves me when I cry, loves me when I laugh..
I love laughing with him.

Alright.

I took a chance and i got to feel
Your hand in mine,Your heart so real

I have to laugh every now and then
I cant just fall and let it end
I have to smile and make it through
Ill close my eyes, when im not with you

The eyes you see
You make them bright
Dont think your failing
just hold me tonight

Walking down the stairs.. I smile
Its time I get to hold you a while
Staying the night
Stealing a kiss
Letting you leave
taking everything i miss

But Ill laugh and smile
without you tonight
Cause your heart is mine

Im alright

Driving home you make me laugh
Nothing to steal my time from you
Stopping to kiss me in your tracks
I capture your gaze in shades of blue

Ill write a song, Just to make this moment last
To bring down the rain and have this dance

Ill write a song to sing to you
Ill find the words to whisper in your ear
To steal another moment for you
To make the world dissappear

Ill laugh and smile
without you tonight
Cause your still mine

Everything is alright.

I want to.

How can I not count the days
That I am outside of holding you.
How can I write when i am so tied up
How many times can i ask you to help me.. help you
I want to shake you and say Listen. LOVE ME
I want to push you down and kiss you all over
without you telling me to stop
I want to reach for you, because you showed up at my door unexpectedly
I want to smile at you, because you smiled at me first
I want to roll over in bed and see your eyes wide open
Just watching me.
I want you to hold your breath, when you wait for me to call you back..
Knowing you will be alright, cause you are the one thing on my mind
That you will not be left breathless for long.
I want it to rain.. and for once not be looking out the window for you..
but merely turn around and you be holding me from behind at the window.
I want a song to play, and you to pull me to my feet to dance with you.
I want to be in the other room, and have you come search for me...
I want to kiss you and stop.. and have your lips beg for more
I want you to wake up in the morning. and wake me up too!!
I want to be cooking for you and have you tell me to hurry up..
because you miss me.
I want to be driving beside you and forget to put my hand on your leg..
and have you reach over and pull my hand to you.. and smile at me.
I want to be looked at, while your talking to me..
Not just speaking outloud, hoping i hear you.
I want you to be drunk.. in our love.
I want you to call and say.. i only have a minute, but i was thinking of you.
I want to need you, and know its ok.
I want to love you with everything I am, with every ounce of my soul
that god has blessed me with.
I want to give it all to you..
I want you to feel amazing every morning you wake up.
because you are.. That is why I want to be a part of you.
I want you to say forever.
I want you to realize that the world is small.. and right there in the center of it..
is me and you.
I want you to count the days we have left to make this life right..
and know in your heart, we have gotten one thing right so far..
I want you to shut everything out, but me.
I want you to pull me to my room and shut the door.
Just for a kiss you have been missing all day.
I want You..
to Feel blessed.. in a world so lost.
I want to be that anchor you rely on
That light you search for.
That dream you hold onto
That star you search for each night,
making sure it is still shining bright.

Nourish.

I have memorized each reply
I know every look in your eye
I do not have anything left to say
Neither did you as I walked away

I remember every touch i have felt
When you placed your hand
over mine on your belt
and told me no

I remember ever word you have said
when i wanted to stay
and left instead..
You let me go

Im leaving my heart wide open
But im not stepping outside anymore
Im leaving the key under the mat
If you ever stumble apon my door

I could go on about the things i will miss
but i have spent too much time
Too much time left pondering over this

I could write a thousand words in my pain
But knowing you will never see them
my heart will never be the same

Im afraid to love you anymore
Im afraid to let go
Im afraid to stay
Im afraid to be the one
that pushes YOU away

I dont know what else i can say
Your a different person day by day
Once you hold my hand and kiss it
Once you grab it and push it away

I know its not me
Ive given all i can
If only you could see
If only your heart
would finally understand

You can live without me
You have told me yourself
But is that what you say to the one you love
Who faithfully dreams of No one else

You can stand a day apart
You care not to speak
of matters in your heart

Im too tired to call out to you again
Im too lost to feel the same
Waking to feel you there but gone
Waking to find it still feels wrong

All this time spent making you smile
All these words vanishing only while
You sit thinking of everything but me
I sit dreading setting you free

You tell me you want this
or you wouldnt even say
But how can you pick and choose
when you want to make me go away?

We agree we knew we werent the same
But when you truly love someone
There is always room for change
A chance a truth to set yourself free
Within eachother
In loving you, in loving me

You are my greatest battle love.
Each day I lose faith in what else i can say

"Its not that hard to hold my hand"
"Is it really that nessecary?"

Does the earth not need rain to thrive?
Does a child not need a hug to feel good inside?
Does a flower not need sun to breath and flourish?
Does an infant not need food
Have you ever heard of Nourish?

Feed, provide, Nurture, Sustain..
Your touch is not different from the rain
Love is not different.. its just the same

Leave it lonely
Leave it to die
and leave my heart broken
If i am only left to cry

When will you get it
This is not just me
It is simply a feeling no longer
Growing inside of me.

Playful love.

I didnt mean to cross your lines
I didnt know you were not ready this time

I didnt know id have to watch you slowly fall
I did not know you never had the chance to feel
so i dance around you
reaching for your hand to show you whats real
Giggling as you stumble
Pulling you by the hand

Your body uneasy
when i ask you to dance
cause you never thought
You'd want to take this chance

When you go about your ways
Trying to make sense of these things
I pull you close and kiss your lips
and make you forget..
everything

I am not above falling for you
I have fallen into your eyes
I have fallen into something i cannot explain
You have stolen the power
Of my own hearts reign

No need for analyzing things we dont know
Just hold onto one another
Make it up as we go

No need for re-thinking that look in your eyes
Just let it happen the way it will
Im not leaving your side

Tomorrow is our playground
Today is our vow
Of the love we have found
Dont look back, im here now

How lucky to have found
this love growing wild
How could i resist
everytime i see that smile

Your eyes, how they glimmer
like the raindrops i admire
Your touch, a constant flame
that brings passion to my fire

Lets take a picture
Capture this kiss
Stealing your breath away
I know..
You never knew you'd feel like this

My hand in yours.

If I dare to say goodbye tonight
would my heart still shatter
will my choice be right?

Would the patience be an angry mess?
To sit here waiting out
My Lonliness?

How could I find a way to heal?
If i am left
Loving you still?

So, I am fighting this out
Im so tired
Of going without.

Why should I stand in lonely shadows?
When there is so much light to be found
Why should I lie here in this place?
If you wont join me on the ground?

I will stay here crying, So you will never know
Understanding nothing of myself
Except I did not think this
Is the way love really goes.

You lost your pride while i was away
You layed it down to bring me back
But picked it up along the way

Come back to me the way you were
That night you thought...
"I do not want to be without her".

Bring me back That man I'd choose
That layed down his heart
With nothing left to lose.

I wonder if you even know
You're the dream i wish to stumble upon each night
I wonder why i feel
Im out of your mind when your out of my sight.

I want to wake up and see you smile
Id like to hold you still..
once in a while.

You found your heart in its breaking
The loss gone noticed
Heart left Aching
Tears held back..
Voices shaking

You said yourself
"I think your heart was always mine".
In tears I replied
"You have had it all this time".

Redeemed to battle, devising loves light to last
I pulled our memories from their drawers
Reclaiming your passion..replacing my hearts desire
Re-writing the pages found, through these open doors
Handing me the ashes of this fire
One last fight to keep..
My hand in yours

I love you.

Hahah

Bounty lifted from his head
A bandage ripped from where he bled
Body lying cold and numb
To his death, His heart Succumb
To open his soul would yield her eyes
A fearless angel, no words describe
To fill his lungs with heaven's bliss
To wash away his lonliness
Deep and passionate she made her mark
A symbol upon his fiery heart
This man of words, heart gone broken
She stole his kiss, till nothing was spoken
Mourned by many, loving just one
Died to be held, by the Fallen One

Grown.

Afraid of what I am becomming
I just cant understand
How I can be replaced
Pushed away by your hand
There is a darkened cloud that
shades my heart
It doesnt let me see
Who you really are
It doesnt let me believe
Who i really am
Im just doing the best that i can
So im waiting for my final day
So i can let this all go away
Ive been told
I am the one
But left in the shadows
As fast as it had begun
And i sit here
Many moons into you
Many times i thought we were through
My heart has yet to replace you
I know I have always been ready to give
I know I have been waiting for my chance to live
within your embrace
For you i have fallen
Fallen from grace
but wherever it is you take me
I want to trust you wont forsake me
Sometimes id like to hide from you
You know too much of who i am
but when you look away each time
Im afraid you will never understand
So I hold you like a child
not ready to know the truth
I just hold you and whisper
How much i am in love with you
There are things in this life
worth waiting for
Wish I could see it in black in white
the way you do i guess
you either love or you don't
But you are missing the best
here inside these eyes you see
Is a soul thats falling endlessly
Behind this chest
a heart that beats
Through cloudy days
and lifes defeats
a soul that craves life
and every breath
to never be torn from you,
not even when it meets death
You are my passion
My evening star
Your my life desire
I hold you far
Above all else
I have ever known
In losing myself with you
My SELF..
has grown

Not Alone.

I was sitting here today and a song came on that reminded me it is ok.
That I am not the only one out there that feels lost without someone...
ThAT someone she loves..
Him.
That I am not the only one who would go down fighting for the love I believe in
That it is ok to wait and be patient.. completely focused on the one you love
It is ok to daydream about things that seem so surreal
It is ok to close your eyes and feel his touch
and do anything to make it real
To wait for his kiss, to never have enough
To see his face when he is not there
It is ok to desire more
It is ok to hurt, just because you care
It is ok to miss him when he wants to be alone
It is ok to silently listen for him on your phone
I am not the only one out there consumed by her heart
I am not the only one that wonders where you are
I am not alone when I see his smile
Through tears at night on a lonely mile
I am not alone when i whisper his name
Hoping he hears me and is doing he same
Im not alone when i listen to the rain
and remember lying in his bed
I am not alone when i laugh at things he has said
When they're playing in my head
Its ok to hold his shirt before i go to sleep
because i love the scent it seems to keep
I am not alone when i know he's alright
cause I know I will hold him again someday
I am not alone when I hear I love you
and it makes it all ok.

I am with you.

I close my eyes and feel your fingers through my hair
I can feel your eyes linger upon my face..
I can feel the warmth of your breath
Trickling down my neck
Your lips warming my cheek
Awakening dreams inside of me
Your hand running down my side
There is no where left to hide
I feel your body over me..
Your chest pressed against mine
My hands above my head
Our fingers intertwined
My breath.. it quickens within your ear
How did you know you'd find me here?
No words to speak
No more tears to fall
You have gathered the pieces of my soul
and returned to me.. them all
Never to falter
Never to lose
This memory of us
Of me loving you
I awake in the morning
craving your touch to feel
that you lying here beside me
was just not real
I lost myself in a dream
A place I desire
Where you are here with me
and our passions never tire
How can you lay there and say you never knew
What love has been..
Aren't I laying here with you?

No word.

Midnight is coming too soon
Still no word from you
My heart is weak outside your voice
I have so much but I have no choice
But to fight this time
To let you be
To walk away
and hope you follow me
I cannot be the fool
I cannot give you any more
If i can not feel your heart beating
I do not want mine to beat any more
If i cannot see you smiling
Then i shall give my smile away
If I can not feel you breathing
I shall spend my last breath to say
You know what it would be
Why does it have to be this way?
Can you no longer hear me
Have my words run so dry
That you have blocked out my whispers
Learned to hate me when I cry
To be held, to be dreamt of
To be wanted, to be so loved
By you.. only you
Im knocking on your door tonight
Telling you I need you baby
I don't want to fight
I just want you to hold me
To let me cry in your bed
Cause Loving you has captured
My every conscious breath
I do not want to sit here waiting
thinking it is true
That the reason your not calling
is cause you had other things to do
Shouldnt I be the reason
You smile in your sleep?
Shouldnt I be that purpose
Your blood has run so deep
Should my voice not be a craving
You cannot wait to hear
Should my love not be enough
to have you lying here?

My Requiem to him.

If one breath.. One touch
Would be the end of me
Could you be the one
To set me free?

If this life is it
If tomorrow is not free
Would you be the one to cherish
To fall into endlessly?

If yesterday were not for sale
If only we were just born
Would you still see me this way
Will my heart go untorn?

If there is a better place for you
to lay your head to sleep
How long will you stay this time
Stealing this time from me?

If you could find me in my dreams
Save me from the dark
Would you hold your candle high for me
Would you be that shining star?

If you could hide from what you know
If you could walk away
Would you choose to not remember me?
Would you forget your heart this day?

If every breath from now you took
you took to live for two
Would you have to remind yourself to breath this time
Would the millstone overwhelm you?

Heavy on your conscience
Your heart is no longer your own
That your actions cause reactions
Would you choose to share your throne?

If you could be the final chapter
In which these eyes will read
Will it be written of tears in joy
Or blood.. my heart shall bleed?

This is who I really am..

If you really know me
You will know where to find me
Let us leave these promises unspoken
Let us keep our hearts Unbroken

So I can't change the places we have gone
I can't undo what feels so wrong
It is never too late to make this right
If you take your heart and remember..
It is worth the fight.

It is beyond what everyone believes I can do..
To steal my dreams back
Face hell to make them true
I can make promises and see them through
Will I count you in..
Do you even want to?

Maybe one day you will lose your fear
Maybe that day.. I will find you here..

I can see you tonight

so amazing..
In the moonlight

You are my sweet dream..
My comfort in the night

When we close our eyes
It all goes away
Loved in the night
then forgotten by day

Can you look into my eyes my love.. or are you still afraid to see..
That this woman that once stood before you
has been humbled to her knees?
I cannot pretend i am someone else
I cant stand back and watch you
as you try to put this fire out

Would looking in your eyes..
Merely break my heart?
Lying here so close
But realizing..
We are worlds apart?

I choose to stand and cross your lines
Your heart is still yours..
While mine is no longer mine
There is no where to go
But going out of my mind
Questioning the thought
Of this love Dying

Cheers to the days we have left
Hats going off to myself..
For trying my best
I give myself to you
Free to do as you want to do

I will pretend you say what i want to hear
I will imagine when i am alone
You would cross hells path..
Just to be here

I will write your chapters with scented pages
I will keep your moments in platinum cages

Just lie there still my love
..My beautiful ache
That hangs me in the balance
Of desire or fate..

What if I screamed out loud
What if i stole away
The consciousness of being too much
What left then would you have to say?
Would i be your everything then?

I already know where my thoughts leave you
If I want to hold you
I am forced to deceive you
Breaking to love you
Dying for more
Saying only half of what is true
What am I doing this for?

Maybe it is time we both understand
this is who..
I really am.

It is ok if there is nothing to say
I will pretend I am alright
until the daylight goes away
Hold in my tears
Till the pillow cradles my head
Releasing into the day
The thoughts..
That return to me
In my bed.

For the one I will love.. my precious insanity
I will love you for everything you are..
So love me for everything I am.

Making it right.

Im throwin the music aside tonight
Letting the darkness wash out the light
No where to turn than in towards my eyes
I look in the mirror with no where to hide

Is it really me?
Am i the reason why?
Angels run and demons cry..

Tie this turniquit round my heart
I cant take this anymore
I climb out the window
and try to hide
as you are walking through the door

I do not want you to see me this way
Half of you for all of me
That is not what true love should be

Baby your my world
the reason i smile at night
Couldn't you just stay a while
To let me feel its all alright?

Its not a word
Its not a choice
That I cannot breath
When I cannot hear your voice

This may be a sickness
A corruption of my heart
from remnants of my past
My world has been torn apart

It is not you
I know this now
It is only how i see
What I have lost somehow

I wait to hurt.. this just isnt fair
I do not want this feeling
It is too much to bare

I cannot control it
I am trying so hard
To put things together
I have gotten this far

Can you just hold me one more day?
Forget the stupid things I always say?

Can you just give me that place in your world?
Realize the pain you erase when you call me your girl..

I am fighting my insecurities
Trying to throw them down
but then i sit there with them
When you are nowhere
to be found

I am sorry, I wish I had never been
the one to hold everything in
Forgive me for id been broken
this life has not been fair
But i find a reason to Try again
Everytime I see you standing there..

I am taking this moment
to try and fight
the worlds of wrong
and make them right
I am taking this love
and holding on
to the hand I have waited for
To make me strong

So forgive me when I love you too much
Forgive me when I try
To say the things i need to say
To show you what makes me hurt inside

Forgive me for ways I want you
Forgive the way i hold you so long
Just try to remember Im just a girl
Trying to make right, all that has gone so wrong.

Did I say I love you today? =)

Where do I fall?

Everyday
Waking to feel your presence
Turning over to feel your breath
Its gone again
Where have you been
Hiding within yourself
Within your worries
Losing myself to your silence
Consuming yourself in your Apathy
Time passes by and windows are being opened
You do not have to push me
Ill jump out on my own
My make up smeared
Does this mean im only partially deceiving the world?
I watch from your window
PLanning where id like to fall
What are the chances I will end up where i want to?
Why has it come to this?
When will you finally look my way?
What part will go numb first
slowly shutting down
Condeming myself for wanting to feel
To never lose a moment
Your time seems so plentiful
the way you throw it to the ground for another day
Would be nice to stop loving you today
knowing you will always be there in my tomorrow
But i have lived that life
I have watched that fail
I refuse to not give everything i am
every day i can
I have watched my security being torn from me
I have woken in the night lost..
No longer sure where i was going
Dont expect me to stand back and pretend
You may never go, if i dont know when
Whether in living or your death
I will have loved your every breath
Knowing you needed nothing more
Than the person i have become
Than the woman you adore
I turn from the window and look in your eyes
You love me, and i finally realize
I step down and lay by your side
Laying my head.. where your heart resides
I love you.

Could this be for you?

Could this be for you..
What would it matter anyway?
Everywhere i turn
Everything i am missing
You hold the key
You hold it so tight, your hand bleeds
Battling the agreeance to sleep
Stay away from me tonight
Hide me from the light
Let my eyes turn red staring at this picture in my mind
Let my tears run dry
fighting off the world
Fighting off the supposed Good
Secret desires are cruel arent they?
I warned you
I warned them all
Stay away from me
I will be your greatest mistake
That is all i have ever become
It kills me that we won't die together
It burns inside me, knowing that my memory is soon to fade
Knowing I will always wonder why
Didnt i say You deserve much better
that it wasnt you, it was me
It wasnt a fucking line
It was your freedom
You handed me your heart
So I sit here holding it
Wondering what to do with it
Wondering if I will ever be selfless enough to give it back
To walk up and lay it in your hand
and turn to walk away
Closure is a myth
Pretending to not feel the pain
Imagining we are Alive
Doesnt it feel so good?
NO!
It doesnt!
Its like an injection of dead blood
running through my veins
Thoughts of you release this poisoning
This deafening silence
When the world stands still
I look to the sky and wonder if that is You on the wind
If you have sent your pain in a whirlwind
Blowing past me
To remind me you are still there
Existing
Making me stop in my tracks
Screaming your name in my head
Binding my hands to stop my heart
Hiding..
I am hiding
I don't think it will ever be safe
To know who i am inside
To know what i truly feel
And how i will destroy myself
to heal myself
I dont think it will ever be right
To live this way
To fake this life
to Make this life
I am so many things.. in their minds
So Many Things
I am a song that no one sings..
Because no one wants to believe this exists
No one wants to see what is not so beautiful
Sit there and look pretty
Dont speak
Dont Cry
Just sit..
Push it all outside of your mind
Distract your pretty little head
Dont listen to the whispers
Pay no heed to the laughing outside these walls
So its best you didnt get tangled up in my web
But it is too late for you
There you are..
Here.. I am
Standing here below you holding your bleeding heart
extended to you my love..
I no longer have the strength to try and save you
Only let you join me
Oh it will be
It will
No one pays attention anyway
I could light so many fires
before they even see the smoke
Burn you alive?
Never
You have suffered enough
It is my turn now
I fight alone now..
I am so tired
Thats all i can think
I hear.. You are not alone
Over and over in my head
BUT I AM
I Am Alone
Who the fuck is in my head saying that...LIES
Lies..
So one day.. you said.. What else could it be
Nothing else..
Nothing
Love through hate..Or is it merely
Hate.. through Love?
I was once told, you choose who to fall in love with
And i thought he was so right
I thought he held all the answers in his hands
I felt comfort
I thought i had just had an epiphany of the truth
But he was wrong
You dont choose love..
It chooses you.
And you can fight it tooth and nail
You can fight it until you battered and bruised
You will Never win
Never..
It consumes you
Like a plague
A euphoric plague that diminishes your sense of self
A demon that steals away your free will
Chains you to a wall of purgatory
Every breath is numb
Every heartbeat is faint
Everything tastes like NOTHING
Love is your master
And you are a slave among many
Thrown to the masses
Lost and wounded
Trying to find your way back home
I want to go home.

I miss Him.

Will the moments in between be too much?
How can every goodbye be so bittersweet?
How can every hello be so craved?
Is it not enough to know he is yours,
That somewhere out there.. He loves you?
Guess i never thought of it that way
With most, time creates a numbness
A loss of excitement
but still.. only hours outside his glance
I miss him.. like a poet misses the pain
I miss him..
Without him, I no longer feel the rain
My hand is empty now
There is nothing there to reach for
Left alone with my emotions once again
I just wanted to live each day like my last
To love so deeply..
To show him what Love truly is.
I felt the end the other night
In a vision maybe
Not the end of us, but the end of All that will be
I felt my own mortality smack me in the face
I ran to him and held him in my arms
"Life is so short"
I don't want to live one moment without him
I did not think this would be me
I did not think I would feel what i do
I thought he would come, then he'd go
I did not think i would be sitting here crying
Just because he went Home.
I am at a loss for words
Afraid to say I love You
Listening to my soul speak it all night
as i lay with my arms wrapped around him
My hand pressed against his stomach
My lips pressed against his back
I listened to the wind outside my window as i held him
told him, id forgotten to stop and feel the wind
..Until today
Forgotten to listen
To the clocks ticking
to the beating of his heart
Forgotten the comfort of lying within love
walking in to a smile
leaning in.. to a kiss
I feel like i have woken from the deepest sleep
wiping away the cloudiness of my eyes
Finally feeling.. the precious meaning of life
They say, "You do not know what you had until it is gone".
Well.. Sometimes "They"..
Are Wrong.
I know.

Sleep no longer.

Magic Potion
of eyes wide open
Stir my soul
Repair the BrOken
I shadow many
Follow few
I reach for strangers
to pull them through
give them fragments
of hope to renew
Faith in humanity
A reason to shine
Grasp on reality
When our fates intertwine
Missing pieces
placed in their hand
Unlit corners
No longer withstand
The Light within them
SLeeping no longer
How brilliant they shine
Rebirthing Stronger
Your light from mine
I touch your face
"This is Your time"

Hollow Love.

Forget my eyes..
They no longer cry
I may fall down
But do not reach for me
I do not want your pity
I do not want your sympathy
Your Love is Not sympathetic
Your love is Conditional
Conditions written by your obsession
Cut into me with your anger
Strangle me with Your needs
This is not what Love does
This is what makes hearts bleed
I will not turn around
This is a final goodbye
Releasing all your demons
CReating distance.. Cutting ties
A muse that no longer Amuses you
Just Binds and confuses You
A goddess Hiding her disease
Behind a mask of beautiful deceit
This is Your devestation
Your obsession
Your Manifestation
Dead to the world
Leaving behind an emptiness
With residual passions
A memory of a thought
A poetic Possession
Forcing you into regression
You can no longer push what is no longer there
You cannot reach out if you no longer care
I will not stay with you here
Watch me slip away
Leaving these bruises
Watch me Laugh and Fade
Everyone loses
Your screaming out "Go Away"
But your realy asking.. "Why arent you begging me to stay?"
No more Im sorry
No more asking why
Just pull in your end of this string
Wrap it around yourself and Cry
This is my Goodbye.

Words of Blood.

I have painted your memory into a beautiful ache
One that reaches out and turns the hearts of strangers
Had you never came
Had you never went
What purity would my words endure?
This story belongs to you
This is for you..
I have turned you into something to crave
I have made your eyes visible in the souls of others
I parted your wings and made you human
I take a part of you which now belongs to me
My breath seeps into my pillow
Loud and disruptive
My heart beats this unwanted blood through my veins
the blood that once meant something to you
I have created this prison
Where i keep you in these pages
Like a caged animal for all to view
Putting your weaknesses on display
They think your a god..
to bring me to my knees
To weaken what they know as strength
But you and I know
You are nothing outside my mind
We had a place.. and you burned it to the ground
We had what everyone wants
What Men have died to defend
And You surrendered it all
So I add the finishing touches to your Great Tragedy
Singe the wound and tie the last stitch
You will heal just fine
Your just another torn out page
Just another tearful memory
Not a tear for your return
But a tear of pity for myself perhaps
A shameful memory of watching myself unravel
Seeing what I had been reduced to in your absence
You were only a vapor of reality
An apparition of what my mind created
A counterpart in a fantasy fed to us as children
And taken away as we grow older
The night will come and I will lay you to rest
Placing within you a token of my gratitude
Thank you for giving me this passion to live on without you
Thank you for walking away and leaving me with my thoughts
Thank you for each night I had to endure
For ripping my heart open and allowing my blood to form words
These words..
This Blood...
Now I give it away to the world..
Not just you
Without you now.. I am never alone.
I am given to this world
Thank You.

Until Then..

The moon isnt as beautiful anymore
The stars are falling but all wishing has seized
The dance we dreamt of will never come
The musics essence has rendered numb

Senses gone.. you promised to not forget
I promised to never walk away
My words have turned sour
and here i stay

How can I trust that love is blind
That no one will see into my heart
and know what is inside mine

The tides are changing
Seasons misplaced in time
and yet the world still spins
each day without fail
My lungs still breath
When nothing feels the same
and so much of you remains

Every turn the wrong way
So i stand here for awhile
Taking in all that has been
Dreaming of your smile

My last mistakes left to choose
Lingering through my mind the precious.. the few

The sadness obliterated with distractions
The thoughts muffled with a false sense of security
A pillow if you may..
To smother the life I have forseen
A Stone.. to shatter the glass you watch me through
A death row Pardon..
Granted..
and yet the reaper follows close behind.

Where will I go.. unknowing of the end
I should turn around to look death in the eyes..
meet him at his playground
But now is not the time
For now i will close my eyes
Head to the ground..

Still waiting for my senses
Hand outreached for strength...
Heart holding in the truth..
Until then..
Until then.

FalleN And CoNtent.

Hold my hand in yours
Can you feel me breathing now?
Your heartbeat deafens the silence
Water falling from behind
A candles flicker dances on the ceiling
A kiss to remind you im still there
A sigh to question if you are too
I have never heard my thoughts so loud
To kiss your body and warm my lips
Lay against you leaving no room to be torn apart
This perfection may never leave this room
Your words may not say what it is you say right now
Your touch may not linger outside these walls
So i lead you here
Time after time
To remember what it is by day
That i crave into each night
Silencing the confusion in this darkness
Taking in the love that belongs to me
Wearing it upon my neck
Checking in the mirror to be sure it still adorns my chest
Inking a heart onto my wrist
Letting it seep into my veins
A heart.. to bleed inwards
for you..
Asleep again..
Fallen and content
Never to drift away.

To my dearest Lucifuge...

A list of tragedies.. written in short..
A day to supress the dreams of Happiness
A moment to grasp what is real and true
Handed a glimpse of faith
A tiny letter beneath your pillow
A whisper into your eyes wide shut
"I am here...I am here!"

To my dearest Lucifuge

Reclamation.

My drug.. my addiction
My precious pain
All lies in your words
Your constant return
After all it wasnt that far to fall
In my sobriety I look away and think not of the butterflies
Tear them up.. these endless love letters
Watch me throw them away
But do not let me see you
I am strong
as long as your gone

Your eyes make my heart tighten
The poison of your memory in my mind
Sight unclear
Where has my composure gone?
Nothing makes sense when you speak
But your a needle to my vein
A morphine to my craving
To dull the truth
With your darkened song
I hear myself humming it in my sleep
You keep cutting me.. cutting way too deep

Out on a limb..
Ready to fall.. to be free
Wont you reach out..
Spare my soul..
and push me..please?

I cast a part of me.. to make you follow it away
Just far enough to capture this apparition
As I close my eyes and run...
As far from you as i can be
Try to make you forget what you have seen
Pretend I never knew you
Pretend you never knew me
Wipe away the love you have envisioned
I think it is healthier this way
Better that you not hang on
Your words are over run by your actions
Ill admit where i have gone wrong

Staring at the sky.. breathing in the silence
I have forgotten how redeeming it feels to be free
I have forgotten the little things inside of me
Ill take this time to listen again
Ill take this time to be a friend
Ill give myself what has been taken away
I am reclaiming who i wanted to be yesterday

Looking in at Me.

Take a tiny string
wrap it around my finger
Remind me of what is wrong
Remind me of where I have been
Where I wake up from
Where I fall asleep
Alone

Take a tiny pin and poke it in my eye
Make it all even
For everything i said that was a lie
Its just a little pin prick
Its ok
Its ok to cry

I wanted to mean more
I want you to feel the other side of me
But you are that tiny pin
Strangle me with your tiny string

You'd want to know wouldnt you
How it would feel to be outside of me

Kiss me so it burns without
Hold me so your arms never feel the same
You wanted to look into my eyes
So the thought of them would haunt you
So the thought of me
never sets you free

Im supposed to make it better
Im supposed to save you
To shelter you from this world
To warm you from the cold
To pull you in and make you feel
To show you the meaning of real

And here I am.. failing
Here I am bleeding

Tell me is she ok?
Tell me is she in there?
I need to know
Where did she go?
How did she go?

Not walking into tragedy
I see the fire surround me
im walking through
away from you
Its time I fight for me
Its time I comfort me
Lick my wounds
Tastes so sweet to hurt doesn't it
Sounds so comforting to hear my own screams

There is Nothing Not inside of me
Here in the face of my own insanity

I feel it all
I see it all
I Give it ALL!!!

Not what you need..
Not what you see..

This mirror is so cruel
No longer outside looking in
But inside looking out
The vision I must go without
The one I perceive to be
The one they believe is me
No matter what angle i look..
How i try to see
There is no one else there
No one
STanding there beside me
They are all outside..
Outside Looking in at ME!!

Dedicated to: Those of you looking in..
So I guess... everyone! Take it.. this is for you!

Dream no more.

Your in my dreams and you will never know
You can't end up
Where you refuse to go
I lie here fighting the illness
One that leaves me week
Born into a world of confusion
Released free with a perfect imbalance
Sanity replaced only in sleep
When i smile it is infectious
So wont you hold me?
Be that reason I need?
I am pulled here to make others live
While i pull myself together each night
with no one to show me the way
I know now i can blame no one
Not even myself
For hiding within what i do not understand
For that which scares me
surely cannot be comforting to others
He says speak of it
I tell him I am afraid
If i can just hold in there a few more days
Everything will come together for a short time
and i can rest in the arms of love
Comfort lost with the kiss of goodbye
Misplaced happiness with the closing of the door
The silence is deafening
His absense an eclipse
Left with everything to lose
So the night falls
and i still hold his hand in mine
with my eyes pressed closed
knowing he is not really there
Dont take this away from me
Let me sleep
Let me dream
Holding the pillow he once layed his head
wrapping myself around it
lying my face against it as it were his chest
Landing safely into my dreams
never letting go
I want to show you..
I want to whisper to you gently
and move your heart
Hide the emptiness beneath your smile
Why not?
It all goes away in the end
I need you
to believe in me
Because its not better off this way
If I give my dreams to you
will you take them away from me?
If i show you where I want to go
Will you close your eyes, pretending not to see?
Waiting for the breakdown
That bond that nothing can come between
I will watch you on your way down
Hold you tightly, while things first seen
seem so foreign.. feel so new
I will guide you my love..
I am not here to mislead you
Only take this world
and give you life u did not know
one unknown to many
and held by few
My heart for yours
Tied in Two
Your soul redeemed
Resting in this place till the sand replaces time
Holding onto one another
Your hand.. In Mine.
No longer just my dream

Breath of Heaven Lyrics.

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And i wonder what i've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me
now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load i bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must i walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder
as you watch my face,
If a wiser
one should have had my place,

But i offer all i am
For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Not a blink.

I can make it through without you
but do i really have to
Standing here alone..
Laughing at the flames
Waiting for you to join me
It just doesnt really feel the same
I did this for you..
Not a blink at the worlds
id bring down for you
Crashing around me..
A great force to walk to you
There was just no other way
Than to turn my head
to make you stay

Take this kiss my love
Take it into your dream
I am here
Holding onto the gift you have given..
Flowing within you
The Warmth I have craved
The touch I have become addicted to
The taste of your lips on mine
Your finger running up my spine

I never imagined this was how it would become
I never knew you'd throw down your pride
and now.. here You stand before me
And i do not believe my eyes
Your heart still beating..
wildly

A flood of tears fall
to claim your heart again
Releasing every anxiety I have discovered
Here i breath again
No longer biting my lip and sigh
Fallen..
Gazing
towards the sky
You are amazing
I notice every little thing
I see every smile
I feel every breath you take in
I capture every glance
Never.. taken for granted
Never left for chance
Arms wide open i ran to you
Broke down the walls built
keeping me Without you.

The Turn Around.

These are the spaces in between
Where Always has turned to never
Where heartache fades to a smile
Maybe...Vanishes into Forever

These are the dreams in between
Where screaming turns to silence
Where Nothing becomes your everything
Guilt... Returns you to Innocence.

These are the moments in between
Where there is nothing left to fight
Where running away turns to standing still
Everything.. feels so right

This is the Reality in between
The Insanity..
Of life
Where Everything calms down
and for once you can see things happening
As they happen..
Not after they pass you by...

No more reasons to look behind.
No meanings left to search for.
No more words unspoken
No more walking out the door.

No more uncomfortable silence.. when love should be whispered in the wind
I love you too.

Dedicated to my love, Greg.
Unhappiness does not have to be the only inspiration.. I love you!

This is it.. it is Happening!

-ME-

Friday, 15th December 2006

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21)

How long is a piece of string? Write your answer please on a piece of string and send it to the following address. Better still, don't bother. Just give the string to a chicken and ask it to carry it across the road. The world is full of things we can neither properly quantify nor fully explain. That's what makes it magical. It's also what makes it mad. Your journey from now till Christmas is due to be both beautiful and bizarre. Appreciate what's good about it and be amused by whatever makes no sense.

-Greg and Cat-

Friday, 15th December 2006

LEO (Jul 24 - Aug 23)

They used to do a lot of slaughtering of the first born back in the olden days. A Pharaoh tried it in a vain attempt to keep Moses at bay. Herod, similarly, made a failed pre-emptive strike on Jesus. Who told them that a great soul was about to be born? An astrologer! This job carries a lot of responsibility. It is my duty to tell you now that a powerful force is about to rise up in your world. Don't waste energy trying to outwit or avoid it. Accept it. Embrace it. And allow it to bring forth a transformation.

-Erik-

Friday, 15th December 2006

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

The Sun, this weekend, edges ever closer to a conjunction with Pluto. Remember Pluto? This time last year, Pluto was a planet. Now, well, according to the scientists, it is not as important as it used to be. So, it won't be about to ensure that you have a life-changing experience, that you understand something crucial and that you walk through a doorway into a whole new realm within the next 48 hours or so. Or, er, will it? Actually, it will. You will remember this weekend for the rest of your life.

His weakness.

Are you taking me away
Come to mark your prey
Undone within your grasp
So tortured and bound
Little time has passed

The blood that falls beyond your eyes
Watching yours flow to the crypt
as you salivate for mine
An angels life blood you wish to sip

Poison wicked hearts of demons
What is it you hear
That you have not been seeing

Imititate light.. the shades have been pulled
You secretly desire..
The masses have been fooled

Smoke in the trees
You hide in the night
Fading into the darkness
Diminishing before the light

On my knees to pray
You come from behind
To feast my sweet vein
Your presence is weakened in MIne

You lust for the innocense
Like nectar of gods
Create an obsession
Yet the beauty forces your pause

Determined to possess
To turn.. to Sire
My eyes.. paralyze your senses
Only threatening your desire

You want to administer your threat
Join me at this alter
I open my eyes and the blood stained pillars
Washed white with my power

God given and Crucial is my walk
His divine plan.. becomes my life
My blood too pure for even
A gods emblazoned knife

So turn you will not
But gaze from afar
To crave this purity
like death to the pain
Set your eyes on this pale scar
watch it wash away in the rain

You have no power here.

How was I to know?

Cornered into a window
Backed into a hole
MInd like a siren
Heart of a fool

Hand to me the glimpse of you
Walk with me and make it through

Miles with no end
Inside out again

Take with me the All I am
Watch me wrap around you
PLace on me a silver band
of ink that we once drew

Hand to me a glimpse of me
Help me listen
Help me breath

Moments with no end
Im upside down again

I want to come undone
Its so beautiful being the Fallen one
Let me make you bleed
Oh how you aim to please

Pull my hair.. make me scream
You want to watch
Where you want to be
Carry myself into your dirty dream

Hate me hurt me
You dont want me to love
You want me to beg you to love me
You dont want to love me
You crave your obsession
You want to master the free

So now you want me to lay
to cry with every word you say
You want me to falter
My heart to return
But i was untied
You told me i lied
How was i to know
what was left deep inside

Seconds left to cry
I wont let you die
Shouldnt you be going now
You want to see me rip from inside?
With your heart lying all twisted and broken
I will not retrieve the love I have spoken


To thrive in passion
To give you a glimpse of what can become
To set your heart on fire
To search for The one.

I have been where you are
I have hurt like you do
I have forgiven that man
That has done to me
What i have done to you

Now I understand
Full circle.. oh so clear
Wiped away the questions
Questioned what was left to fear

I did not know what was coming
Only where my heart said to go
So i followed without hesitation
How was I to know?

He did this..

“Let’s Be Us Again” by Lonestar

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I’d do anything to make it right
Let’s be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Let’s be us again

Here I stand, With everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you
Won’t you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let’s be us again

Look at me, I’m way past pride
Isn’t there some way that we can try
to be us again
Even if it takes awhile ill wait right here until I see that smile
That says we re us again

And here I stand with everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t ever wanna see the end
Baby please I m reaching out for you
wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

Baby, baby what would I can’t imagine life without you
Here I stand with everything to loose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you wont you
open up your heart and let me come back in
Here I am I m reaching out for you
so wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

Ohhh let’s be us again

He tripped.

How do you tell someone you can no longer love them
That a tiny place in their heart has been claimed
How do you make the pain go away when your soul is shining
How do you wipe away the tears when your left smiling at the end of the day
How do you walk away from something you have broken?
How do you right what you have done wrong?
When do ou accept there is nothing you can do..
That wrong has been done and worlds must fall.. in your aftermath?
Oh god... it is full circle.. I see it more than ever now..
My first love..
Him..
He did this to me
Oh god
Now i have done it to another..
and i now forgive him
Now.. i see why..

I walked away from my heart and left it at his doorstep
Hoping one day he would walk out and not step over it,
but trip and fall on his face..
He finally tripped...

In an instant..He threw away all of his pride
Said the words I almost died to hear..
and I fell apart..
Let the world disappear as i knew it would
and ran into his arms..

I am sorry world.. for loving someone I cannot live without.

I am Complete.

Yesterday.

Im tired of turning around
Tired of falling and grasping for ground
Let go.. watch this crash
The silence is comforting.. It means no one is left crying
I place my finger over my lips..
Don't let yourself speak
Now is not the time
You are weak
You are so fragile
I steal away your eyes
Do not watch their tears
Do not see them cry
Close the door and cover your ears
Stare at these walls and wipe away your tears
I will be your greatest mistake
There is no question about this
Hurts to love me.. hurts to know
Rips me apart everytime you must go
(even when my car got stuck in the snow)
Take my last breath of the air you breath
Watch the love turn to insanity
It clings to my lungs and makes things wrong
I turn to Hush.. wasnt that our song
shhh... this is the end
Why do the tears set fire to my soul
Why have i been lifted to see what is Whole
to lie here shattered.. dropped from the heights of the stairway
Roll over and stare at the moon
I will remember our yesterday

I am HIS.

Drop another pill into my mouth..
Because i need it?
No because He said to
He said.. You have emotional issues..
Then he left
I loved once
I loved with such intent that it actually hurt to love so much
and now..
here
at the end
I swore I stood up and picked up the pieces
I swore I was ready to love again
and I walked away from that spot..
but left something behind
Something I fear may never be a part of me again
Remember the magic of naivity
When you could almost hear santas reigndeer on christmas eve?
Remember when you stayed up so late trying to see the tooth fairy?
Remember how sure you were ther was a monster under your bed?
I lost my innocent heart
Put everything into an Idea.. closed my eyes and reached out for something that i believed so deeply existed..
All of my life
The minute he turned to me as he left.. and said.. Just remember.. I love you..
and I replied.. No Chris.. You dont.
My innocense was lost.. forever.
As much as I wanted to believe I COULd find that feeling again..
As much as I told myself... you tasted what You Can have
Will I love once again?
Will the emptiness shatter and bring back what i have lost?
I am done searching my soul
I have made peace within myself.. with God.
SO he has gifted me..
And i reach out and love as he would..
I give as he would..
Yet I hurt.. and hurt.. and hurt
Breaking those i love
Tearing them up inside
Trying to save the lost
Trying to open the eyes of the abandoned
That is why I have suffered
That is why I cannot fall
If your love is not whole in our God..
It will never feel whole inside me
That is why I cannot fall
Because he controls me
He will not let me leave my path
I am his.
HIS.
There cannot be Light in the darkness.
There cannot be Love without God.
I am Light.
Are you Darkness?

You and Me.

I hold onto this tiny heart
Fragile.. sensitive to the world
Broken by the careless ones
So now i stand back behind the scenes..
Praying to hear it beat once again..Without me
Regretting the day I crossed this path
Motionless to its reaching out to me
Hiding from the lashings of a lover scorned
I cannot save you love
I cannot be what you are searching for
Not for You
Not for Me.

Like a winter wind passing on your warm cheek
I will live within the shadows
Hiding from what you see as life
Waiting to protect you from death
I will never falter from your need of me
But i will not stand in the way of this pain
I have taken your heart only to protect you
and left an emptiness instead
I have given you a love only to show you
and left a veil over your eyes
I have failed..
Broken You
Broken Me

Im almost healing now.. its almost time
To take this world and make it mine
Ill be back for you.. as a friend
When you are ready to realize.. this is not the end
I promised forever.. I say what I mean
Into eternity i will carry this..
Into a fate that will go unseen
What has been Given to You
Has been Taken from me.

Please do not hate what I had to become
Do not blame what you are
I thought i could fix everything
I could not be the one
I thought i could give you your dreams
But it was not within me..
Giving in to you.. meant giving myself away
Id live for only your happiness..
But steal from me my yesterdays
Forgetting what it was i wanted
What My heart longed for
Where my soul longed to thrive
Neglecting what it is that calls to me
The touch that brings me to life
So here i am.. wishing away our pain
Letting go of the silence
It can never be the same
Conclusions are made
You have to see
I've Made the choice
Abandon You?
or
Abandon Me?

Born without.

I had an epiphany today.. That we are not born with hearts to be broken.. but we build our heart as we live.. Taking from each love, each heartbreak and rebuilding what we think our Love should be. Every passing relationship has been such a lesson to me.. what I want.. what i do not.. What i can live without.. What i cannot. Sometimes I am introduced to aspects of my heart that I did not know existed.. and with the next relationship.. it has simply become something that I must have this time as well.. So my heart is a compilation of what I need.. and what It will take to make it feel whole.. when each little sliver of what has been brought together to this place inside my chest is Lit up and "Good to go". Do not ever think your walls are a bad thing. Someone strong will not try to tear them down.. But come climbing over them to free you from the inside!

Born Without.

Piece by piece i discover my soul
Love by Love I put together
what was not created whole

Pushing through the embers
of hearts given and burned to ash
I search for the remnants of what was there
Building my future, with lessons of my past

I know what i am feeling
But have i become silent this time
Tired of speaking emotion
Tired of living through rhyme?

This gift is not mine
To do as i may
But to work for my god
and give it away

Every turn my life has taken
Woken from this worldly sleep
Alas my soul is Lit and waken

My lover walks away
Leaves the door open
Goodbye to a friend
Welcome another..
I'd hate to pretend

So my heart was never truly broken
Just never really there
With every passing love
I placed within me, What i loved to share

KNowing and needing what it is i once had
to pull from the inside to make me feel
To go beyond what has been
understood as real
To lose my eyes and see the truth
That a heart cannot be shattered
if there is nothing there to lose

Born with nothing.. No heart to give
Build my Wholeness, as I live

So its never really love and loss
Behind the tears and pain
Im collecting ideas of being complete
It is simply Love and gain.

Inside Out.

I wish i would have lost you
When i cry out at night to know you may be listening
I wish you were taken from this world
and searching the heavens for peace
Looking down on this dismal place
Looking down over me

I wish you didnt walk away
Healthy and strong
No sign of weakness aside from your love for me
You may have thought you were breaking
But you not once turned around
There.. is where the true boldness lies
That is what you have hidden inside

Pull me from the outside
Pull me from the outside

We used to laugh at the world
Pulling eachother close
Watching them pass by
Knowing if we could not fathom what we had
That it was beyond what anyone else would
we would do anything in our power we could
To stand outside
Now it is all left inside
Hidden on the inside

Save me from the outside
Save me from the outside

So here I lie.. Injuries left by you
My mind cant wander.. My heart So Gone
I no longer love you.. Because I no longer know how to
I wish you didnt make me think.. what is wrong with me
When there was really something wrong with you
I wish you didnt tell me.. You cannot handle all of this
You made me learn to love myself
To never Need anyone else
Not because that is whats in my heart
but because.. my mind has turned on
Thinking.. wondering.. Rationalizing
WHy have you cursed me with doubt
Why do i ask myself.. can i live without
My soul has abandoned me..
It wanted so much more
Willing to risk everything
To have you walk through that door
Now the words.. they scare me
Now the touch.. I fear to remember

Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to hide


Id rather be sitting above you.. crying at your grave
Then looking back at you.. walking away
There is too much left to bury
So I cannot lay your soul to sleep
I cannot speak your name
I have died and nothing left to keep
My heart will never love the same

Broken on the inside
Nothing inside me left to hide...

Walking Waiting Living Dying.

Im still here on borrowed time
Fingers crossed.. eyes open wide
Walking waiting living dying
Seeing your shadow
Run into hiding
Just cant stop my eyes from crying

Nothing dies that knows not living
Nothing takes that has not given
No one wakes before they sleep
No one gives away what they cannot keep

Pictures hanging on the wall of my heart
Cherishing a love that seems so far
Waiting living Dying Walking
I see the words.. when no ones talking

Somewhere isnt where we want to go
Something isnt what we want to know
Sometimes we cant give our all
Sometimes its too damn hard to fall

Songs are playing in the depth of my soul
I can hear yours. can you hear mine too
Living Dying Walking Waiting
I see your mind crashing.. Contemplating

Tomorrow should not be what we know
Yesterday should not be where we wish to go
Today is time to Live and Exist
Today you need to take hold of this

Words are whispering through my mind
This is what i long for but it is not time
Dying Walking Waiting Living
I have nothing left that i have not been Giving

Could this be it, the way things will be?
Have I something left inside which only you can see?
This Life has given us such limited time
for
Walking waiting living and dying

"Finding Emo"

This world
Such Hate
I am destined to cry
This is my fate

Where is the love
I pull up my gloves
My eyeliner withstands my tears
without a smudge

My hair is so black
What do you think of that?
Over my eye
So you cant see me cry

No one loves me
Im pretending to shy
this is what i must be
Its not gay to kiss a guy

Take my picture
Hold on let me look sad
Ill look up from down here
I have to comply to this fad

Hold the camera high
Omg
Thats hawt
I look like im about to cry

Goodbye Im sorry
I made your life so bad
When im gone will you think about
all the lonely times you had?

No one wants to be my friend
They called me an Emo
and stole my new pen

Life isnt fair
Does Anybody Care
I dont understand
I have such cool hair

Im going to end it all
They didnt invite me to the mall
Silence
Darkness
Blood on my wall

Im going to do it this time
Im so alone this world is so cold
Im trying pathetically to rhyme
Im too pretty to die old!

On this Knight.

A day
A whisper
A smile
A flower

A minute
An Angel
A shadow
An hour

Relentless to Linger
Release to be found
Resenting the past
When no one's around

For you
I falter
For You
I shine

With you
I feel fire
Our souls intertwine

Without you
no memory
Without you
never was

You lift me high
upon your shoulder
As you bow
To glorify your love

In between.

So im lost in the night
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
You..
Somewhere
In between
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch.. what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.

Spent.

I am breaking free from the silence once again
Push you down and run for cover
Your life is Under siege
All your fires are blazing to Destroy me
Im not lingering in this place
There is so much more
left to erase
I gain no control in falling from your grace
But im content to release what I can't replace
I cannot fight this battle from the floor
Your mind cant make up..
who you are anymore
Like a magnet you attract your opposite
Trying to steal what it is You cannot possess
You tear them apart at will
I am so fucking sick of this
I wont be your reason to regret
There is so much left I need to forget
I have stolen a higher place
Fought my way to get away from you
From here I no longer see your face
From here I can ignore.. what I cannot undo
Dont allow me to become what you hate
Do not let me get in the way of your fate
So you do not believe in destiny
I forbid you to dream of holding onto me
You can no longer live here in my mind
Your days are spent
You are out of time
Travel on from my memory
Unspeak the words that have been unkind to me
Take your ticket and walk away
Before I leave you with all hells ransom left to pay

Call me? Ok?

Fallen One.

Erasure is mine.. I love to pretend
To laugh in your face.. to smile in the end
I turn and walk away quick to wipe my eyes
My hair pulled down around my face
This is where the sadness hides
Never to cut a lock again
The promise to him was released
Leaving a blade to my skin
Secrets have become my only truth
My past an annoyance to your thoughts
You try to forgive me for sins i have never commited against you
You try so hard to close your eyes and just Feel
Driving a hate for where I have been
Have you forgotten what you can never know?
Who I bled for..
Who I screamed out for to shatter the silence
Have you created a comfort through disbelief
Why is it so hard to see I walk alone
How can you not see no one has chased me into your arms
That I am not bound by what was
That I am not held by a chance
What was so beautiful to you before
Has become unkindly at second glance
You pressed against my lips
Hoping to steal away my life
The place i hid before i came across your sight
The fury inside you
Careful to disguise your own faults
While i stand here open to your desires
Open to all around and you still fight
You chase me through the essence
Embers cast upon your soul
Shadows created with each passing candlelight
Whispering voices silenced by my presence
"What will she do this time?"
The Gaurdians of my fate.. watching with such intent
Watching me spin around you
Watching.. as I make you fall
Oh such beauty.. making you feel
I laugh as you lie there
Unsure of what i have become
I watch as you look up to me
Refusing to allow you to capture my gaze
You are not able to stand..
Your body has become weak
You pray that god is here with you
Somewhere in the shadows
Watching over you
Unsure of what you have fallen into
I kneel beside you
I'll set this glow of light at your side
Bend to whisper into you...
"What are you afraid of?"
"Dare you not speak.. if it not be truth"
You gasp for your voice.. encased in my spell
Forced to search within yourself for a part of what you hide
"Im waiting love..."
I watch you with intent.. for I know what it is you wish to say
I stand and walk around you.. tracing my fingers along the walls
Watching your eyes follow me..
Your lips quiver..
Your anger at me.. that i have brought you to this prison
But know you not.. you have brought me here to you.
This is Your place of refuge
I am here to free you from it all
You called for me.. prayed god be with you
Suddenly you find.. this is your world.. not mine
"If words be yours.. let them make sound"
I watch you cry at the reality you have found
Fighting inside myself to not run to your side
Keeping the distance to make you reach out
"If you ever be in need, I promised i would come"
This time you needn't know you did not have to ask
To be SENT the Fallen One

No More.

Im gone
Dont pretend to miss me
and I will try not to falter back into your arms
Those days are gone
I waited
For the reach of a hand
The welcoming of a kiss..
The linger of a glance
Nothing.
So throw this into the wind
Let us act like it was Nothing
Sitting across from you..
like a ghost to your mind
A tear falls from my eye
you dare not notice
For what would become of you if you walked down from your ivory fortress?
If you were vulnerable to my needs
Im no longer there.. feel free to roam
Im no longer waging wars against your kindom you have so cleverly contained
Freedom is yours
I should not sleep alone
I should not cry when your in the next room
I should not wonder If.. you will ever look for me
I knew the moment i walked away
I would be walking alone
I will imagine I will be ok
I will not go on loving you
I will not look back and cry
I watched what was.. fall apart
I never watched something so long
I never waited for such changes
I never took so much of the Little
Imagining they were something to hold onto
I could not help but believe there was a someday
I could not help but dream you would find what it was you searched for.. In me
Im awake now
No longer dreaming
Logging this sleep into my journal and searching again in the wakened form
You should not long more for sleep than you do to waken and Love
I have no evidence to hold you to
You left a clean trail in my heart
Clever to not say you loved me
Too strong to ever show you cared
So i take out my words
Lay them down
Weighing on my mind.. what have i known?
When we ask ourselves in the end
What could i have done
It does not matter this time
I know i have made the sketch
Scribbling it out in black and white
Only waiting for you to grab a brush and paint one tiny piece
But you look at it and say
It looks good this way
Its not enough my love
Its not what it is supposed to become
There is so much more you do not wish to see
You are content with simplicity
Where I see a hand held as Love
You see an effort not worth making
Where i see a body to pull in warmth
You see an invasion
No more battles love.. No more
Thank you for your time.

Untitled.

A moment to think
An hour to laugh
One last time
Take me by the hand

A distance to reach
A mile to think
Im listening for your answer
Watching for you to turn on the light

A handful of hopes
A pocket full of holes
Can you remember to not let go
To never set this down

The stars are hanging low
Lower than before
They are shining in your eyes
My soul reaches out to wish upon them

A lifetime to wait..
Its really not that long
Can you see the end from here?
Can your faith prevail?

One Chance.. You knew would come
One Love.. You'd hoped exist
One Breath.. Could it be your last?
One true Question.. What now?

Your whisper sent so far
Captured in the WInd
Lies now in my heart
"Excuse me does this belong to you?"

matthew mark: .
Thee_Goddess: hello matthew
matthew mark: hello Katie
Thee_Goddess: with the infamous opening "."
matthew mark: you like that ?
Thee_Goddess: it is definately unique
Thee_Goddess: as opposed to the usual ...
matthew mark: yes
matthew mark: Jesus is also unique
matthew mark: he comes to us in a whisper
matthew mark: His love takes us by surprise
matthew mark: He is never loud an obnoxious
Thee_Goddess: true
matthew mark: how is your lifes journey going ?
Thee_Goddess: i am not sure.. the past few days i have felt emptiness
matthew mark: may I ask why ?
Thee_Goddess: not happy not sad.. just empty
Thee_Goddess: i do not know why
matthew mark: have you searched within to find the answer ?
Thee_Goddess: i dont think i want to know what i would find
Thee_Goddess: so.. no
Thee_Goddess: i havent
matthew mark: oh but God does not want us to feel empty
matthew mark: He wants our cup to always be full
Thee_Goddess: i know what he wants and i know how i feel
Thee_Goddess: im ashamed because i cannot control it
matthew mark: dont be ashamed
Thee_Goddess: i feel like pushing the world away and hiding
matthew mark: I understand what you are saying
matthew mark: and so does the Lord
matthew mark: being human is dealing with alot of emotions
Thee_Goddess: yes, that is very true
matthew mark: I am not here but for a moment
Thee_Goddess: sometimes it feels like i am on a treadmill running and getting nowhere
matthew mark: to reach out to you
matthew mark: let me ask you a question
Thee_Goddess: ok
matthew mark: when you feel this way, do you reach out for help or try to take it on by yourself ?
Thee_Goddess: well.. 99% of the time i have taken it on alone.. Only Once did i reach out for help.. when my ex fiance abandoned me. he killed me inside.. I knew if i didnt reach out.. i may lead myself to death
matthew mark: let me share something with you
matthew mark: when Jesus died on the cross, did you know that his suffering was more than any man ever could bare ?
matthew mark: He was all alone
matthew mark: not a soul did care for Him
matthew mark: but
Thee_Goddess: i dont believe no one cared forhim
Thee_Goddess: his folowers.. his mother
Thee_Goddess: they were pained
matthew mark: they all forsake Him
matthew mark: thats not saying they didnt love Him
matthew mark: but they forsake Him
matthew mark: He was all alone that day
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: Your name was mentioned
matthew mark: He did it all because He had you on his mind
matthew mark: not just all the world but YOU
matthew mark: His suffering was because of His great love
Thee_Goddess: wow
matthew mark: whats your purpose Katie?
matthew mark: to suffer ?
matthew mark: no
Thee_Goddess: to spread love
Thee_Goddess: his love
matthew mark: OH, I love you so
matthew mark: you bring tears to my eyes
Thee_Goddess: and you to mine
matthew mark: you have a gift
matthew mark: your gift is your love
Thee_Goddess: ..it is.
matthew mark: handed to you by Jesus
matthew mark: take good care of it
Thee_Goddess: of course i will.. i do not want it taken away
matthew mark: for without your spreading your love this world would be so empty
Thee_Goddess: you think so?
matthew mark: I am indeed so impressed by your words
Thee_Goddess: i can only touch so many
matthew mark: but thats the key
matthew mark: you can only touch so many
matthew mark: but
matthew mark: it spreads
matthew mark: like wildfire
Thee_Goddess: like a ripple in the water
matthew mark: OH katie
Thee_Goddess: me being the drop
matthew mark: you say it with such feeling
matthew mark: My heart is so overjoyed with your presence
Thee_Goddess: i am glad someone enjoys me in my times ofhiding
Thee_Goddess: but i could not hide from you
matthew mark: dont hide
matthew mark: let your light so shine
matthew mark: I wish all that I talked to would knew this love that you have
matthew mark: its amazing
Thee_Goddess: they only need to open their hearts messenger because i would freely share it
matthew mark: people have hard hearts
matthew mark: they want many things
Thee_Goddess: true.. i have met many.. but have softened it through time
matthew mark: thats what its all about
matthew mark: softening hearts
Thee_Goddess: they see me as real.. then when they get to know me .. they see the unreal and begin to believe.. there Is more
Thee_Goddess: i am so thankful for each person i have touched
matthew mark: when Jesus died for you and you received Him, was your heart softened ?
Thee_Goddess: yes
Thee_Goddess: i cried in the presence of many and they cried with me
matthew mark: HIs love was like a warm blanket on a fridget night
matthew mark: yes, Jesus brings us to tears for His love is like no others
Thee_Goddess: it took away all my doubts
Thee_Goddess: all my failure
Thee_Goddess: became just part of my path
Thee_Goddess: the weakening and strengthening of my soul
Thee_Goddess: pain.. to know life
matthew mark: please
matthew mark: dont feel emty
matthew mark: stay the course
matthew mark: keep the faith
matthew mark: call out to Him
Thee_Goddess: it hurts
matthew mark: He does not want you to feel this emptiness
Thee_Goddess: i know what he wants
matthew mark: always reach to Him
Thee_Goddess: how can i question that
Thee_Goddess: how cn i feel proud of this feeling
matthew mark: you know
matthew mark: the answers are within
matthew mark: I must leave you for now
Thee_Goddess: =matthew mark: but I am so glad you shared yourself with me today
matthew mark: its always a pleasure when the Lord sends me your way
matthew mark: dont let your eartly emotions destroy your heavenly heart
Thee_Goddess: i will get through
matthew mark: I know
matthew mark: God bless you Katie, you are an inspiration
Thee_Goddess: Thank you Matthew
Thee_Goddess: you should listen to rescue by Desperation Band
Thee_Goddess: It just came to me
Thee_Goddess: I have to listen to it now
Thee_Goddess: it helps heal my soul
Thee_Goddess: do you have it messenger?>
Thee_Goddess: I will share it
Thee_Goddess: I need to share it
matthew mark: we all need things that help us thru
matthew mark: yes, please share it
Thee_Goddess: thank you
matthew mark: I must leave for now, I hope your glass fills to the rim so there is no room for emptiness
Thee_Goddess: *nod*
You have sent 1 file to matthew mark.
Desperation Band - Rescue.mp3

matthew mark: THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING WITH ME
Thee_Goddess: My pleasure.. i hope you find what i found inside listening
Thee_Goddess: =)
Thee_Goddess: Take Care
matthew mark: You also take care
matthew mark: I LOVE YOU KATIE
Thee_Goddess: =)