I was driving home tonight with this empty feeling. A feeling like nothing was left inside of me. Was this happiness? Was this pain? If you could choose to feel nothing.. would you?
I did not know why this feeling came over me. But I know I have had it before. Then I felt this burning in my heart. Something is wrong. I feel it. I do not know what it is, but it is lingering in th shadows. It will eventually be brought to light. I mean all we have is time to wait and see right?
Tonight I called Greg. I told him about these feelings and of course he answered with his usual "I dunno" and "maybe". God I sometimes feel I know this man inside out. But to be honest, I am afraid of him. My heart was telling me to have a heart to heart with him. To sit down and tell him how much he means to you. To take this moment and make it into your own. CReate.. Not Wait. I walked away from his house tonight, too afraid to do that. Instead I did do it on the phone. But it just isnt the same. I let myself down. I let my heart down. Why am I so weak?
I ask myself now, Why? Why am I afraid of him? To be honest. I am simply afraid I am too much for him. I am afraid my emotions are unwanted, my speaking from my heart makes him uncomfortable. He has never shunned me for it. He has always told me to be me, and let him be him. So why am I so afraid? Ohhh I know. Because I do not want to lose him. See most of us would die for someone to stop in their tracks and turn to you and say, "You know, you are so precious to me, I love who you are, and I am so glad you are in my life." But Greg, I dont know, he is different. He doesn't want someone to be attached to him. Someone to need him. Because he does not want to Do that in return. He wants to be a loner, a desperado. And yet I, have penetrated his life. I walked in and stole a little piece of his heart. He is not fighting for it back, but sometimes I feel he fights letting his whole heart become mine.
I fight to be all of what he wants, and as little as possible of what he does not want. Yet, He, does not dance around me as I dance for him. If he is crabby, he will be crabby. If he does not want to be touched, he will not allow himself to be touched. If he wants to hear my voice, he will call me. He said, "Just because I am not calling you, does not mean I am not thinking about you." I get that, and since the day he has said that I hold it in my heart, just as I have every thing he has ever said to me. He has no shame. He appears to have no weakness. He does what he wants, when he wants to do it.. and that is how he is.
So where am I left in all of this. Realizing I "reserve the rights" to speak. I am left asking myself "Why?" That if I hold in what I want to say.. I am not me. If I hold back from touching him when I want to.. I am not me. If I hold back from calling him when I miss him.. I am not me. I cannot love this man inside my head. I must love him in the actions my heart tells me to take.
Kiss him when my lips are lonely. Hold him when my arms feel empty. Reach for him when I want to see him reach back.
Would you rather feel numb? Or would you rather feel your heart swell? Even if you risk feeling it break some day. Would you capture moments as if they were your last? Or would you walk away never knowing what tomorrow brings? That tomorrow they could say goodbye. Tomorrow they could no longer feel what they did today. That Tomorrow, they were unable to feel at all.
At least they will be left with the memory of what it WAS to be loved. To know that this person was strong enough to face their fears of rejection and Open their heart to you. Atleast in the end, there will be no doubt. That your heart was completely theirs, whether they wanted it or not.