Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Will he fight? (June 25th 2003)

The story has gotten so twisted that no one could possibly understand how deep the rabbit hole goes unless they have been there since day one. If they knew the love that once existed between Shawn and I...then they would have a confusing grasp on why I still hang on.
Why he still loves and misses me, yet chooses to be with Rachel.
I guess he already knows what this feels like.
When will my happy ending come?
How will it be? Will I ever see it again?
Will I die a lonely old broken hearted woman?
Will I ever find someone that can complete me in one more way than Shawn could, by loving me more than anyone on this earth and never being able to leave me?
Is my soul mate still out there searching?
If he finds me will he be able to open my eyes?
Or will they still be wide shut in the eclipse of Shawn's absense?
My god this is a viscious cycle indeed.
I believe Shawn is my Soulmate, but he cannot see it.
Just as I refuse to see anyone else but him filling that void.
Will it end when "the other" refuses to give up on me, the one that has the strength as I once did and pulls me out of this darkness. I would not give up on Shawn had he had the reasoning inside of him to ask that of me. But I know I will find the strength to say, Please don't give up on me. I will know who I will have to say it to when the time comes. Even if it takes my last breath, I know if it is true, that will be all I will need to be able to say.Shawn and I have always stated time will tell, and I think time is showing me that the odds are against him and I ever being together again.
I think time is telling me, Cat, you know life is short
...everyone knows this.
You need to react to this knowledge, take the time to look at what has happened to you, use it to learn, use it to heal, and stop dwelling. Life and time wait for no one. Yet I sit and argue with them. I tell it there is nothing left out there for me, nothing is real anymore, nothing can be given to me to hold forever. Why should I care if life passes me by? I am not missing out on anything as far as I can see. Even with the little energy I have left, I just don't care if anyone understands me anymore. I have no more battles to fight, nothing left to fight for. I don't care to put forth the effort to tell someone my hopes and dreams. I don't care if anyone knows I have visions and see things from other dimensions. It just doesnt matter anymore. The only one that needs to know who and what I am, is me. I am the only one that really matters how much effort I put into.Shawn wrote, "but if you find someone else, I will have to go away quietly, it would not be right for me to interfere" Is that a hint that he wants me to go away quietly?
I don't know what it means really.
I just know that my soul mate will refuse to walk away quietly from me.
That he will fight for me
....fight to open my eyes.
He will know we are meant to be together and refuse to let anything keep us apart.

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