from the depths of my soul I cry on my day of birth. Always seems like I lose something everytime it passes. Every year, one less friend or family member cares to remember your special day. Maybe I expect too much for my day. I do not want gifts or the casual Happy Birthday...

I want completion, and every year I grow older, I realize I have lost another year of my life.

What is it inside me that never lets me realize the happiness and joy in my life?

What is this overwhelming shadow of incompletion, dissatisfaction...
..the shadow that is always over my soul...stealing the breath from my chest.

I find myself so happy at times...I stop and recognize these moments...I try to stay for as long as I can...and yet, when I lay back in my bed each night...alone...why is this happiness gone?

Why can i describe my soul in darkness....

why do i have to..

why can't I just

*pause*

i just can't remember many nights in my life where I was truly passionate about waking up the next morning to continue where I left off..

I think back to my childhood...to what I can even remember...people tell you not to dwell on negative things, and yet my whole life has been just that. There has been so much negative around the positive, that I will lose it all when i try to let it go...

Every good thing in my life has been atached to hardship and pain. Suffering and sadness.
Nothing has came easily, and nothing has left me without etching its clawmarks into my soul

My scars run so deep, and I am told to let go of this...let go of it all...
in turn, lose myself.

Have I been so dependant on the pain?

Can I even exist if it were not there?

I have gone so long trusting in the pain to keep me feeling alive.
What will I have left to feel if it is gone?