Wednesday, April 20, 2005

...oh trusty journal

May 30th 2003
Your absence is an eclipse apon my soul.
The wind carries away my sorrows and returns to me your essence.
Whispering your name calms the silence of my days.
Every breath I release is a moment that brings me closer to your heart.

1:20am...oh trusty journal.
Can you believe the thoughts and words I have confided into your pages?
You have been with me for a long time in some form or another.
So many un-written pages. So many secrets woven into your binding.
Today I feel older
...I'm not sure exactly how this came about, but I feel emotionally older.
Perhaps my re-enforced emotional strength has made me not feel like a helpless, hurting, scared little girl anymore.I have reached such a level of Soul, that I despise my absolute need to descend once more back to this world.
I must touch back down and take care of some things that this world refuses to let me physically move on until I do.
Once again I must make myself Human.
Where shall I begin?

I guess I could start with my memories
...before the awakening.

As a child...
..the first thing that comes to mind is the fighting. It seems so endless in my mind. Like a scary movie where the vision is blurry, but you can hear the yelling and crying. You immediately feel cold, vulnerable, and scared. I remember my mom and dad going out to a bar, me falling asleep safely in my bed under my sitter's care...then being abruptly awakened by yelling and the loud noises of my parents throwing things and tackling each other.I would sit up in my bed...listening with tears streaming down my face in a silent cry...waiting for my mom to call for help as she always did.
Katie...HELP. Kate.
That was my cue...I would go running, still crying and start yelling at my dad to get off of her. See, I never seen my father actually hit my mom, but from my understanding, she would try to hit him and he would use force to restrain her. Even so, seeing my mom crying, yelling and helpless was never something I wanted to see.Through it all, I never conformed and accepted things the way they were. I always knew something was wrong with what was going on.How could a child of my age know this, but the two adults causing this, not?Things are so simple through a child's eyes. The truth is, a child-like mind is a soulful mind. If we lived our lives with our ideas and ideals we had as children, well its hard to explain... I can still remember some of the simple thoughts I had as a child. I sometimes wonder to myself why I had ever strayed from them.I remember thinking, If two people love each other so much to be together and have children, then why do they fight all the time? I mean, if you have love, what would you possibly have to argue about? Why can't you just be strong together and figure out a solution....together?I guess that is where I started thinking and preparing for perfect love. I still believe that there never has to be an argument between two people who truly love each other.
You know I see it all too clearly at the moment.
I thought to myself, If my love said something to me that I didn't like, I wouldn't get upset and argue at fact I would cry. I just remembered how I used to cry when Craig would say things I didn't like. Then he would come into the bedroom and hold me and apologize. Then we would talk through the problem. Then it got to the point that he would leave me crying alone in the room, no solace, no "talking". Only silence. Finally it got to the point where I stopped crying altogether. His words could no longer hurt me, only anger me. That is where it should have never ended up. He should have never stopped coming to me and comforting me. That is living without love anymore. That is something we did for a long time before I decided I couldn't live that way anymore and decided I wanted a divorce.

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