Monday, February 07, 2005

Scorned (a copy paste from july 13, 2003)

This world is no longer mine...
there is nothing here for me, there never was...
I can't breath...
the pain i carry is too much to bear...
the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath..

Please let me die.

I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.

Every night I come home to an empty one there to hold me,
no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.

I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me...
everything that has ever broken my heart.
I still love craig, but I have set myself up to lose him forever.
He is gone and there is no turning back.
I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...
I don't think time will heal this pain. Maybe I have been wrong about love all along. Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.
I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.


I have created was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do.
I am a failure...
these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness. God what have I done. Sorry is not enough...I must pay for the damage I have done. I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.

My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall...
never let in...
Never allowed in.

Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.

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