...die trying!

I have decided to copy some of my most written journal entries into this one.

June 7th 2003
Shawn broke up with me almost 48 hours to the minute. I have spent half my time crying and the other half writing an endless letter to him. I know i should have written sooner, but how can one find the words while opnes soul is so lost?

I have not spoken to god for four years. For the first time since, I turned to him in some sort of way. If it was not him I was speaking to, then I just may be insane. I begged him to stop this torture. I pleaded for him to tell me what I have done so wrong in life...I asked that he take me away from this place....yet again...nothing but silence and unanswered prayers.

Now my worst fear has come to pass...and yet I still exist...why?

I told Shawn when we first started talking...no sadness. For as long as I could, I shielded him from it. Keeping him happy made me happy. I no longer have that ability, I no longer have that happiness.

Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible.

The truth is...I don't know where I am going from here. I do not believe I am able to go anywhere.

When you drop something on the ground and you didn't see where it fell, you don't go searching for it miles away. You stay where you were standing and search for it where you were.

I lost my heart and soul right here, and this is where I shall stay until I find them again....or die trying.