Don't say you love me, Until its your dying breath!
Don't lead me on a path that you don't plan to walk with me
Don't pull me up if you only plan to drop me when its all too much
Don't cry for me to love you... You know not what you ask!
Don't wish for someone like me... You know not what you want.
Don't build your world around mine... its not a strong foundation.
Don't crave for my arms around you, because i will never let go
Don't wait for me to love you... I already do.
Don't swear on eternity, if you do not understand
Don't pray for my Love if you dont intend to accept it with all your heart
Don't swear you will never give up on me... if you are weak.
Don't chase me, if you cannot keep up.
Don't open my eyes, if you dont want to open yours
Don't let your heart beat for me, if you dont want to live.
Don't hold me, if you need to let go
Don't give me your heart and soul... cause i refuse to give it back
Don't cherish me, unless you do it for all time

I am not a game. I am not a prize. I am human.
Here on earth just as you.
Suffering, Loving, Living, PRAYING... just like you.
I hurt. I cry. I feel.
So your angel wasnt what you'd expected... but you asked for me to fall... FOR YOU!!
You asked for me... and you walked away.

Never again.

He will never say he loves me again...
I will never gaze into his pure blue eyes
I will never feel his hand on my cheek
We will never laugh together again
We will never dream together again
We will never stand in eachothers presence again
He will never run to the door to meet me...
He will never kiss the lips he couldnt help but stare at
We will never hold one anothers hand as we worship our lord again
He will never read the bible to me
He will never write me such beautiful words as he once wrote
He will never answer my call in the night when life isnt going so right
He will never tell me all the things he loves about me, because he doesnt love them anymore
He will never reach out for me, because i am not the one he wants in his arms anymore
He will never defend me again, because he doesnt care if i fall
He will never miss me the way i miss him, because he is running from what we were and pushing the feelings somewhere he cannot reach them any longer
He will never dream of me and wake up smiling again....calling me in his morning voice i so tenderly loved
I once never had to wonder if he was thinking about me at any point of the day, because i knew he was... now i wonder if he will ever think of me again
We will never have a child of our own, not a Talia or Elijah... nothing
We will never walk down that isle of church and confess our love for one another for the whole world to witness as we once planned...
We will never secretly plan our vows again, because they no longer exist
We will never celebrate another holiday together and thank god that we are together, because we are not.
I will never hear another song that fills me with bliss... because he is gone, I cant relate any longer.
God... why? Why?
I want my angel back.

Where did it go wrong...

Up until the moment I walked into the room monday morning, everything was so beautiful and right...

On our way to missouri, chris surprised me with a wonderful easter card...by reading it and what he wrote, i was clueless he was about to leave me...

"As long as I live, Ill always be there to do anything for you, or go anywhere.
As long as forever, my love will be true-
And as long s I live, Ill love only you!
Happy Easter

(May god shine upon you baby with many blessings this easter holiday. I love you so much and i am totally glad I am spending this blessed holiday with my true soulmate! Thats love lovi and thats you sweetheart.
True passion comes from within, that is how a man or woman is defined!
Always k? Christy)"

What did i do so wrong in missouri? What stole away this happiness i once gave him?

I remember we were at "the castle" and i walked off with my son. A few minutes later Chris came looking for me, I said "Id hoped you'd come" he replied "Ill always come looking for you" Thats when i told him "Thats one of the things i love so much about you baby" and i stopped to put my arms around him and kiss him =)

I feel that I loved him as much as i possibly could. I feel that i took every moment and cherished it... I have so many beautiful memories that he and i made together... so many precious words we have spoken to one another... so much life created when we were together...

I would do it all over again, but i would change a few things...

I would have been stronger and asked him to wait until the divorce was final.
I would have gotten emotional medical help and started my recovery a long time ago had i known he wouldnt lose respect for me being on medication. I thought he would see me as a weak person and i didnt want to lose him. Instead, not seeking help pushed him away =
I would have quit that stupid life sucking game the minute he walked in the door, and held his hand every minute he was in my presence...
I would have went for long walks, taken him out to spend time with my family (even if they embarrased me at times, but hey thats family)

I would have turned on every song we ever shared and danced in his arms every single night before bed...

I would have watched alias with him and learned how to rollerblade just so he could help me up when i fall..hehe

I would have sat and cuddled with him rubbing his hair while he watched star trek...

Id have secretly learned to play chess...just so i could surprise him when he asked me to play...

I would have stayed up as long as i had to that night i put in pigtails for him, just so we could play around like the tards we were...

Id have bought a watch and set it to 422 just so i could pounce on him for our kisses AS soon as 423 hit... nothing should have been more important

and i see this all too late.

I promised to love him like he has never been loved before, and i failed.

I would have sang to him the song i promised to sing to him on our wedding day "From this moment on"

I would have married this man blindly at the altar... and through everything, I honestly still would. I dont care what the world thinks, I know that those that care about us, hope to see us back together once again... being "That couple" yeah... That Couple!

"i cant remember where i was before you
and i cant imagine where id be without you
so on the day that celebrates you coming into this world...
I celebrate the day of you coming into my life"

a birthday card that made me think how badly i wanted to be hearing thos words from him on my birthday...

Hush.

"Me? How about my fiancé...yeah. That’s way more interesting! Her name is Katie. She is most definitely the woman of my dreams and my twin soul. Wonderful and precious she is and such a beautiful smile she has and with one glance should i could fall in love with her all over again. She is the kindest most generous person on the face of this planet. She truly is worth wars to be fought over for her..."

How could I not be in disbelief that this wonderful person doesn't love me anymore?

I have decided to write myself a goodbye letter from christy...

Hush my precious angel
You have fallen and broke your wings
Forgotten how to fly..
Forgotten why you fell
The world around us has not paused their lives in the aftershock
instead we sit miles apart, with our heads in our hands and our hearts on the floor.
Our souls will never be free
Our minds will forever be haunted by one anothers presence
Hush my precious angel
I cannot withstand to hear your cries
Your begging for me to stay and hold you just one moment longer
Your promises to change what made things unkind
Shhh...its not your fault
I cannot take away your pain any longer
I cannot carry your burdens by your side
I need to see you stand, but I can no longer carry you
Hush my precious angel
Your eyes are gazing into my soul and you know where to touch me to stir the pain.
The song you sing is one that will shatter hearts of those who have loved and lost... I cannot listen for it to will shatter mine
You will re-open the wounds that i need to heal
My heart may ache into eternity if i do not remove this ring
Hush my precious angel..
I am sorry for all of our pain
I am sorry that you will wake in the night hurting...crying out to me
I am sorry you can no longer be a part of my world
I am sorry I have to be so cold
Shhh....listen
The birds are singing outside your window, they have not gone, remember me in the way I used to talk to you about hearing them.
The clothes I once wore as we held eachother, still hang in your closet, remember how my flesh was once covered in these.
The space beside you in your bed at night still holds my presence in your mind, remember always the love we made, the way I would look into your eyes, the way my hands carressed your body in pure love....and only love.
The sun still shines in your eyes, it is still shining, leaving the most beautiful brown eyes glowing with the fire of your soul, remember the way I used to admire the many shades of your eyes.
Your lips still pass breath, you are still breathing, remember how i would gaze upon your lips, how i would kiss them at any chance we were allowed, remember that feeling throughout your body each and every time our lips met.
Your heart still beats, you are still alive, remember how I swore my heart was beating for you and only you...forever. Remember how you would lay your head on my chest and listen.
Our picture still sets on your nightstand, we were once so alive with passion, remember all those moments we captured, in our hearts, our souls, and our minds. Remember how each and every moment we spent together was precious and real... no one can ever take those moments away from you. At times you may wish you could erase them all, but they linger.
The letters I have written to you in my many confessions of love that i swore was endless, may have ended but remember I believed in myself as much as you did. Although I may have failed you, I know I will never feel that way for another person on this earth
Hush, you are a precious angel
Too much for a mere mortal like me
All the promises I have given you, I am taking away
All the dreams we built together, I am tearing down
I didnt come here to leave you
I didnt come here to lose
I didnt come here believing that i would ever be without you
I didnt come here to find out there was a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by my faith in love
...and i lost faith.
Im sorry, I have to go.

"Im not accepting this is real until you come here and leave, then call me and say when can I come back"

In a world as cold as stone... must I walk this path alone?

My father cried with me last night... last time i seen him cry was when i was in the hospital 6 years ago.. on the night that god said No.. you are not leaving this way. He said, "Im crying because when you hurt.. I hurt.. and its killing me. I Need you to get better. I Need you to come out of this...for us. Please Kate...I need you in this life."

*sigh*

Even in my darkest hours I am pulling down on everyone around me...they are trying to hold me up and carry me through this, but my heart, my soul, is cemented to the very spot of where the destruction of what I thought was Forever. I am supposed to love him into eternity, but without him there is no where left to go... no where else Id rather be but settling in the memory of "what was"

Be with me now...
please let me rest with you in my presence lord.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm!!

I dreamt of him last night, I was finally able to sleep...
He was sitting across from me and my heart was all put back together.
This has truly changed me and everything I have always felt for him is so much more intense than it has ever been...
I pray that his ability to talk to me will come soon.
I pray that he has faith in love Above all!
I read a prayer he wrote for me last year... I cried and I smiled and I put my tiny ounce of joy in a bottle for when I will need it the most.

"A prayer. Jesus. The King of Kings. The lord of lords. The alpha and Omega. I thank you. I thank you for bringing Katie (my eternal beloved) into my life. I thank you for everything you have done in our relationship. The perfect timing. The perfect words that were said. I thank you for the wrong word or actions that were taken place. I thank you for that because it brought us even closer and stronger in each others souls instead of pushing eachother away we grew tighter within eachother. Ithank you Lord God for your love which in turns allows us to love. My love for this woman is far greater than anything imaginable. I confess at your feet lord. I confess my love for this woman. This perfect woman that completes me. Lord if i were to break my heart in two and throw a piece of it away I know that the piece she has will fit perfectly into mine making me whole...making us whole. Lord please continue to bless our life, our futures, our love for eachother. There is no end in sight. Only new beginnings. And our beginning is about to commence. And with you by our side we will triumph in all obstacles. Lord. I thank you yet again. *deep breath* . Amen."

Far away lyrics

Far Away - Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
if I don't see you anymore
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away (So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing,
'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go

Pulling through...

I am putting my faith where it needs to be right now. In love, In god, In Chris.

I saw you... You were a sign.
I didnt hear what you were saying but i saw the look in your eyes
I couldnt understand why i wasnt enough
Im lost without him
Calling out in the night
Praying for the words that he intends to marry me as soon as things are right.
"This is not over"
Those words, the tiny ounce of hope he left in my soul...steal my heart and run it far from where I stand.
Those around me have become a life support system
waiting for the call to turn it off
We went through hell to be together. We pulled eachother through when one was weak, we carried one another.
I want to remain strong for him, with him.
I want to offer the comfort he needs right now.
Mom says I should write because thats what im good at.
I thought i would be able to write through this, but no words are coming to me, only emotion.
Im so scared he will never return to me..
I promise I am not trying to make his life harder
It is hard enough for me to pull myself together to live my day to day life. Is it so wrong in the middle of the night when the thoughts take over me I reach out for him?
I went through some of the emails we have shared and god they made my heart so warm.
I drew him a picture...of one of the last greatest moments we spent with eachother..

It was of a purple tree in the storm we held eachother in...

So lost.

Jesus,

I am asking you for guidance right now. I am asking for strength.
I am asking for peace in my soul...
If chris is to not return to me, please i beg of you give me the will to live. Share with me your heavenly love. Embrace me in my lonely hours that are to come if he leaves me. Both of our worlds are falling apart without eachother, but only mine will be better if he returns. I am not enough. I am simply not enough. Forgive me if I m not strong enough to go on.
Please forgive me.

Im trying so hard to tell myself that he is gone..
Mom pointed out the 4 things he left me on his desk
Our baby, the ewok he bought for me in Florida, in happier times id say, hell any time before today was a happier time
A picture of him sitting on our bed, a picture that I had spent many lonely nights crying to, looking at, sleeping with, praying for...
His bible he dedicated to me...promised to buy me a bible and found it more meaningful to give me his...
Our engagement ring...I have given you my heart and soul now I ask will you accept it? Yes baby, I do. You are My soul, You are My heart. You are the storm that guides me. I know your confused right now, but god is sending me so many messages today. You are making a stand for what you believe in. You are doing what is hard for you and I both for your place at the throne with our lord. For our place there. And if you never return to me, just know I am putting this in God's hands, he will not abandon me. When he makes a promise... he doesnt go back on it. He doesnt make mistakes. I am not Your mistake. I was created for you, and you for me... I will take your memory "into eternity" as I promised, and my promise will stand just as one should. You are such a precious soul, and by now I wish things had been different. I wish my bed was warm with your body. Instead cold sheets await my arrival. I wish this pain in my stomach were only from not having the will to eat. Instead it is the emptiness of my soul that has become...me. I wish I had loved you every day as it were our last day together. Instead, I depended on having the rest of my life to catch up on the love I should have given you yesterday. I wish as I wrapped my arms around you crying and pleading to god to keep you with me, that he had answered my prayer. Instead silence. I wish you had kissed me goodbye and promised to return. But instead you told me to remember you love me...how could I forget?

Now you can see why I felt I could never love again. Now I see why I should have trusted myself for once. But again I side with the fact that I believe you were sent to me by god himself. I believe You were "the one" he has wanted me to prepare for. I believe in God's will. You showed me the way to him. You made me want so badly to be a better person. Your love for me, and my love for you made me understand a tiny ounce of how unconditionally jesus loves us. One day it just dawned on me as my understanding of Christ often does...I couldnt Fathom the amount of Love he had in his soul...to love EVERYONE as much as I loved you.
Now I can almost fathom other things Jesus went through. Sacrifice.

Mom forgot to mention one thing you left for me...
Emptiness.

But she said baby, look at the things he left for you here...
This is your answer.

She gave me the longest hug ever before she left.
She told me, He is doing what he feels is right, he wasnt ready for you, he may never be. But you have to let him do this, even if he isnt coming back to you. I know she is worried about me coming out of this alive. I told her goodbye and when she left, fell to the floor to cry once again.

God, when will my time come to live life with happiness? When will my suffering end? When will you bring him back to me?

...never let go

Christopher walked out on me today...
The shock is gone and the pain has set in. I am dying.
He tore my heart in little pieces and let them lay there on the floor as I begged him to stay. I pleaded for him to stay that Id make myself better Id do anything for him to stay...he denied me. He looked away and said he wishes I understood. His cousin said to me, just let him go, and I replied "Would you let him go?" she didnt reply...

I am so scared and helpless, my world just left me. I told myself I didnt want to answer his calls, then it scared me that he wasnt calling at all... so I broke down and called him, only to have my pleas denied once again.

Why have I become so easy to walk away from?
How could he just say he made a mistake?

Baby, I love you more than this breath I am dreadfully breathing right now. No one could ever understand our love. No one will ever know the sacrifices we have made for eachother... but now I am the one being sacrificed. He said he didnt know if there was someone out there better for him when I asked if he thought there was. In fact, the only thing he said to most of my questioning and pleas is just that... "I dont know"

I need him so bad god... GOD PLEASE bring him back to me, I double my promises to never forsake this man. I swore I would give my life for this man, but is this what has become? Am I to give myself internal death for his happiness..God why was I not enough. Please answer me this time, I have spent over a year opening my life to you, allowing you to mold me and become what you want of your children,,,, what lesson am i to learn from this? Can you hear me? Bring him back to me... please please please......

"I turned the world upside down just to be with you"

I had to leave a message because he wont answer my calls anymore...

Im not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of losing you... your the only reason im trying...everything is clear to me, till i hit reality and i lose it all...i lose itall....

I have lost it all...

I thought he loved me enough to get through this. I thought being together was enough, and at times I didnt believe was enough and he stopped me and made me see... it was. I want to be there with him so badly, I want to be in his arms rght now, I dont want these tears to burn through my eyes anymore... Baby...

come back to me.

I never looked away from you.... or our love, I never planned for anything other than to love you and only you for the rest of our lives...
I pictured our future over and over again, and i was scared, but you were by my side. I can't go on without you my love. I refuse to live until I am living with you. Don't let this be the end of what we were meant to become...You know god gave us free will...and yet you know he inspired our love... He will forgive us baby. He will. I know this.

Trying to break away...

I feel like I am a million miles from home. I feel like I am so far gone from who I want to be.
Like I will never be right inside...That my soul will never recreate my mind.
I wish I could erase who I have become and start over.
I fight myself day and night.
I hate this person inside of me...
I need to revive this death inside of me. I am carrying around this emptiness like it still belongs to me.
I want to let it go... but it comes out in my words..
it comes out as such an evil darkness that I spend so much of my time wishing I could not speak.
I am crying out more than I can breath...
NO MORE PAIN....
I want to fall away from who I am
I want to walk away from these ways
I want to speak from my heart...has my heart become so cold?
My chest hurts with anger of my past
Why cant I escape?

There is nothing left of you...

December 11th 2005

There is nothing left of you…

I hear you
Calling out for me tonight
I am so interrupted
Don’t know which way I am going
Can’t remember where I have been
I am just running
Staring at the light in the distance
Let me go…
Don’t make this harder on us both
You killed me
You ripped my soul from my skin and pretended to be true
Go... there is no place for you here
You bled my heart and thrived from its essence
You walked with your head held high
My body lying shaken on the ground in your shadow
You never looked back for a moment
You never thought… What Have I done?
Decisions were simple when you were the one in control
Life was beautiful when things went your way
And your way was the only way
My words were held like water in your paper heart
My love for you was a pretty little granule of sand sitting in your palm
Easily thrown down to the ground and forgotten
Once I was your goddess, you my precious love
I am not fallen anymore love
You have no power here
God did Not take me that fateful night as I begged for his mercy
He left me, silent he remained
He did not comfort and shield me from the agony of being dead inside
He did not give me my dying breath as I wished
No words of comfort rang true to me
Nothing was left in my world without you
He let me hurt, he let me cry
He let me dance with the devil in the light of the moon
He left the memory of you deep within me love
And Now…
Now I know why
You are the curse breathed of the foulest kind
You are death within life
Within YOU is nothing without another lifting you high
Within you is an emptiness suited for the darkest of Gods creatures
You know not heaven or hell, only what is before you
YOU are broken with no where to turn
I see it in your eyes and like an angel of mercy I tried to take you away from your pain
You will never be the crescent moon in my silent night
What an angry soul you hold inside
What a tangled web you weave, and I am no longer entangled in it with you
I am without you
And my name will ring that light of happiness you once knew
You will be the one left in the darkness of this world
You will be the one left with less than a spark of hope
Every night you will look upon yourself and wonder where you went wrong
Every night you will fall asleep praying to not be awakened
God will not answer your prayers
Just as he did not answer mine that night
He has His plan, and he doesn’t play by your rules
You will suffer through what you have created
No second chances, there is only one chance in this lifetime
Either you take it or you don’t
I have been chosen, one of the precious few
Everything is going according to plan
God did not forsake me, he embraced me
You were lead blindly out of my life
You, confused and swearing you will always love me,
Me, fighting to keep you in my arms
But see it’s not your fault…
You know not what you do
You know not what you ran into, when You ran into me
You were to never receive what I am
Only to taste what an angel is
A fallen angel with a lonely human soul
I was not allowed to love until my eyes were truly opened to my path
But I did. I gave you the purest love and I recall your words
“I can’t believe someone loves me this much”
If you were the one, you’d have known
We are ALL loved THAT much
Jesus loves each and every one of us THAT much
If you were the one, you’d have believed
And now, many moons after you, I have risen again
Risen, holding the hand of god
Risen, standing in his magnificent light
Risen, walking a well lit path of love and truth
God has sent me one of my own kind
The one he has prepared me for my whole life
He has sent me one of his most beautiful angels to walk by my side
One who has fought to remove the ashes left by YOU
One who has been so patient with my tears
One who has been blessed by your absence
Your walking away and allowing me to grow
Saving me from years of continuing in the wrong direction
My angel was blessed by what you could not hold
He was blessed by what you could not understand
He was blessed by your ignorance
You will never be the one
There is nothing left of you

Tell me...

Look at me. Tell me can you see what is killing me?
Can you see the thoughts I fight every day and night?
Can you tell me what I do that has been wrong is suddenly right?
When I dream, is it you standing there waiting for me?
Where do you see us in the end?
How happy will we be?
Will there be anything left to smile about?
What will be left to make us laugh?
Do emotions really run dry? Is it inevitable?
Are they here now, and trickle out until there is nothing left?
Look at me, here I go again.
So lost.
I can’t see any further than what I am now
I can’t help but doubt what I will become
I can’t help but fight falling
The thought of being complete is killing me
The thought of the search being over is not what I had in mind
But here it is, before me, and I tremble and twist every emotion until it doesn’t feel so nice
I’m hiding.
I like it when you can’t find me
I like knowing your thinking about me
It’s me.
Will I change?
Do people Ever change?
I never thought that I could love someone so much that I hate it.
What IF love isn’t enough?
What if Love is the only reason we are... what we are?
Am I missing something? Is there something I’m not able to perceive?
IS love enough?
Is that all we need to write happily ever after?
Why am I so afraid to know?
Why does it seem I am looking for more questions?
Why can’t I just let it be simple?
Why can’t I just KNOW that in 23 years, we will be looking back to these times and laughing with one another… will we?
Will we learn to hate one another?
Will we be disappointed?
Will we regret our decision based on love?
Will we say to ourselves, where was the logical thinking.
Will we be old and bitter?
Will I wonder what happened to the way I used to gaze at you with the sparkle of life emanating from my soul?
Why do I push you away?
Tell me. Please.

Slipping from truth...

Searching my soul tonight
For a simple answer or ray of light
I cannot stand long enough to fight
Between what is wrong and what was right

Searching my heart within
There are so many places to begin
Its always cold its always dim
I just need to be with him

I am closing my eyes this time
He is much stronger than I am

There are so many miles between us
So many hours of time
So many faces and lives passing me by
So many worlds I will never be a part of

Why cant I breath his kiss?
Why cant I be in His world?
Why cant he be touching me?
Why is he pushing me away?

HE gave me life and is taking it away
He is tearing my soul, day by day
Where is my faith in what was meant to be?
Why am I not good enough for him to be here with me?

I wanted to be his only star
I wanted to be the only one his heart needs
I wanted to be the arms that he ran to
I wanted to be the soul that he takes to heaven with him
I wanted to be the one he would die for
I wanted to be the most important thing in his life
I wanted to be the only person that came between him and me.

Where do I go with this?
When my thoughts are too much to share with him
When my tears are falling For him
When I have sacrificed myself for what he needs

I know time will heal these wounds
I know I have given him a love I did not know I had
I know he was the one meant for me
I know this, but are we only meant to know love for one another
And never get to experience the full means of what could be?

Why do I feel like I should let him be free
Why do I feel that I should make a decision that may kill us both
Why do I feel he would be better off without me in his life
Why do I feel I should have stopped this before it began
I feel like I am so deeply in love with him it may be unhealthy
I cant talk to him without feeling deprived
I can’t stop these thoughts that I Hate to think
These thoughts are so far from the truth and yet I Feel them
My feelings are not coinciding with reality
Have I lost reality altogether?

He has stopped confessing his love to me as we have spent many nights
He no longer gets excited to hear from me
He no longer wonders why I haven’t called yet
I am an emotional burden
And when I express my needs, he feels like he is inadequate
And when I hold them inside I feel neglected

I know that distance kills our relationship
And we have gotten to the point where we should be ready to live in each others lives
Yet we are not, we are stuck in this dull slump of nothing but empty, lonely time
I know how I feel and I know he doesn’t feel the same way
Which brings me to question if he has rethought every word he has ever said
Has he reconsidered what he wanted to be to me
Has he realized how difficult things truly are… in the real life?

I need to leave him alone.
It isn’t until you are without that you truly realize what you had.
I know I will miss him more than I will miss being alive after death
I know he is what I live for and the pain of missing him will keep me alive
I feel like a horrible ugly sin in his life
I feel like he feels guilty for loving me
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
What is so wrong with love?

RUN...

I reach to the bottom and stir…
Feel, stop running.
Hiding yourself behind feeling too much, when you have in turn deprived yourself from all else.
Denying those you have found, those you have loved so passionately
Those your fire still burns for.
You will never be able to forget.
And yet you close your eyes and your soul shutters.
You KNOW…you know.
Their memory comes in songs and no other can be felt in the words
On my knees, hands tied behind myself… no pleads for mercy, no attempt to escape
Just dying to be owned. Dying to feel SO much Id never run away.
My wrists are sore, twisting to be free
My knees, weak and fragile, I want to rest where I never want to leave.
I want to fall and not get back up
I want to desire for eternity
I want to collide and Win for once.
Is that so wrong... What makes me so bad?
I want him to look at me and fuck the world…
I want him to push me down and hold me so fucking tight I can barely breathe
“I’m not going anywhere”
“I will fight with you”
“Fuck the world baby”
“I can’t believe you found me”
“I can’t believe where you take me”
Without you, I have never lived
Before you there was nothing
Now, there is everything and I will stop at nothing to build your castle
Stay here… no come with me, stand close behind and watch me do this... for You
You are my goddess
My soul
I will build this world around us, my hands will bleed and you will kiss them
No more pain, no more insanity.
Your thoughts are real, you KNEW… you knew and you are free now
Don’t run from your thoughts.
Don’t hide from your reality
You are the only one strong enough to hear the whispers
You are the only one not afraid of the worlds you must crash through
You are my porcelain goddess and I will worship thee with every second I am given
I don’t fear you’re leaving, for you fought so hard to get to me…
I rise to my feet and gaze at the beauty of our kingdom
What a beautiful place he has built around us
So secure, i'm not afraid.
Wait
I miss the fear
I miss the pain
I miss the aching of my heart to be consumed
I miss the tears, crying out for him
I miss his absence
I miss my insanity…
He looks away for a second
I run for the draw bridge
I scream… I fall.
He turns to see me run, starts running with such confusion in his eyes.
I can hear the quivering in my breath as I know not what compels me to run
I run so fast and never look back... until the screams disappear
Till he can no longer find me
Until I am free once again.
I throw myself down wildly to the ground, I cry so hard my heart feels like it has been shattered, the pieces tearing their way through my veins, body shaking, blood running from my knees.
I’m so lonely
So alone
And for a moment there is no emotion left to feel.
Only numbness I find all too familiar
A silence I dread
A wide eyed woman in her search for love
I nurse my wounds and admire my bruises
For a moment I am to be free, but a prisoner to one
I can never run from myself.

Shhh...

His eyes, like gentle veils of mist welcoming the morning sun.
Stolen… my breath. I know not how to breathe
All the world has left… he pulls me into his arms with his hand wrapped in my hair
I welcome this serenity he has created in my honor.
Through a tiny keyhole… he allows me to view… the door never locked, some things are more beautiful when they do not know you are watching them…
And I watched.. With such intent... I looked.
This creator of sights, this liver of dreams,
Reaches out for my hand and dances with me in the candle light set before us
Sifting through the ashes of the fires burned before this day
Smoldering as the wind places her caress within the fragile debris
Our beings simply dance throughout the night.
Left behind the guilt that whispers in the shadows
Released the worries that encase and paralyze what we truly are, having been spun into its dismal web
Fall free from all that ever was and Be.
For once we are alive within one another’s souls, even just for a moment as we close our eyes and see Still.
The end won’t come so quietly…
Our skin not abandoned with time but embraced by the memory of what was.
The everlasting wake created by the passionate crash into my existence.
To worship in blindness of what tomorrow brings
To kiss the lips whose touch may never bestow upon yours ever again…
Shhh… The thunderstorm is here… holding me into its glory. Let’s just Be.

AN ongoing confession of love...

I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me,
the sound of his voice when he is serious about something,
the way his hair tries to escape from his head in the morning.
I love the way he finds a need to stop everything he is doing to tell me he loves me.
the way my one single word can double his heartbeat.
how he thinks about me every waking hour.
How he dreams about me … when we can’t be together.
I love the way he is so gentle with me, emotionally, physically
I love the way he revolves around me.
that he never makes me feel like I am too much.
..Or too little.
I love that we both know how lucky we truly are.
I love that he wants to marry me, only me, that I am the Only woman he has ever loved, how he cherishes my existence as if there were nothing before or after…me.
I love thinking about the love that he will have for his children and mine.
Knowing that one day I will be able to show him what love at first sight is,
Knowing that he will never deny this love we have discovered… this precious… precious love
I love thinking about how close the time is coming to when we never have to be apart again, where we can spend every single night for the rest of our lives lying in one another’s arms…forever. We have come so far baby.
I love the woman he has made me want to become, not by asking but by loving me.
I adore and admire him so much that his love for me helped me realize how amazing I am. If this wonderful person could believe in me, love me, trust me… then maybe I’m not so bad after all.

It took a love full circle to teach me to love myself….
My loving this person completely... the first person I have ever been able to love this way.
Being loved completely, never having to worry about scaring him away with my tears.
I can close my eyes tonight knowing I am loved, knowing my twin soul has come back to me, and Nothing can take that away from me. Not even death can tear my heart from him again. I know God has blessed me.

There are not enough words to describe this intensity…
There will never be enough…
But I will die trying to find them.

Im sorry...

Im sorry for all of your tears
Who’d have known loving me would be so hard.
Im sorry that I loved you silently as you begged me to just say I love you
Im sorry that I couldn’t speak when you wished I could
Id give anything to talk to you and tell you that I will never leave you
Sometimes when I miss the sadness I imagine your gone
I imagine you couldn’t love me the way I need to be loved.
I imagine my heart was too shattered for you to repair
I imagine the distance was one mile too far
I imagine my mistakes were unforgivable
And I cry…
Then I lay my head back down on my pillow and Stare at the wall
Feeling the shock through my body…
My self therapy
And I begin to love you more than I ever have before
I begin to imagine our promises we have made
I imagine the nights we laughed and held one another so close
I remember the simple things..
I remember the times we were so complicated with confusion
I remember how we chose love over all else
How suddenly nothing else mattered but being together
How I promised to never forsake you… my gift from heaven
How you had given me your heart and soul…and a ring that keeps me going until you are here.
I will remember every step no matter how big or small that brought us closer day by day
I will remember Everything.
You have taken my life and made each day Burn a beautiful memory into my soul
You have made every day worth counting and every night worth reminiscing
You have given me a life by your side and there is no where else I would rather be
No where. I belong to you.

Dedicated to My sweetest thing
Christopher Ryan Pearson
October 28th 2005