Hmmm...

Been a long time since I visited my super secrety place.. sometimes I even forget the password.. I do have the memory of a freeze dried Pea.. but yeah. Been doing a lot of Non-thinking lately.. I do NOT want to think and I do NOT want to do.. and yet the anxiety of all the things i need to do and think about feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.. this cycle of avoiding and re-avoiding is most likely not taking me to higher grounds.. because I already feel my feet getting wet.. and I HATE wet socks.

I am afraid for the most part.. hence the anxiety.. I am mainly afraid of failing at school.. HELL I am afraid that if I dont get shit done that I wont even get in this semester at all.. I HATE that I have no one to tell me what to do.. because one minute I thought I had done everything I need to do to register for the fall... and in this minute, I have discovered that I still need to get a HS transcript AND take the act compass test at the college to place me in the correct level of classes.. The good news is the test can basically be taken anytime.. the bad news is.. I NEED TO STUDY for it... and what havent I been doing? Studying.. Why? Because I am afraid that my brain no longer works.. so afraid that I am trying to shut it down.. Can you hear it? The screeching brakes?

...><...

OUCH!!

I have called the school city of hammond Thrice now over the past 3 days and left 2 messages.. today I spoke with a receptionist that said "Well they leave at 3:30" and I kindly replied, "I called before that and 2 days prior and left messages and no one is returning my calls.." She apologized for them. I confirmed the number with her and she said I could also use an extension # and she put me on hold while she found it... 2 minutes later.. she somehow hung up.. Wonder if she went to hammond schools? Probable!

I Saw my little sis updated her status earlier to "Please please wish me good luck" wth?? what for? So I tried asking on FB, I tried calling twice, and I texted her a few times... NADA.. maybe she wanted luck so today would be better then yesterday for her? lol Who the heck knows... Needless to say her and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend and I wanted to buy tickets early so we can be sure to get in at a Time her and I both need due to our hectic lives.. and I can't get a hold of her for that either.. grrrrr...

Waiting for Jimmy to get home again.. wonder how THAT is going to go... yesterday he was so Lame. I hate looking forward to him coming home because When he is in one of "Those" moods... I just feel so disappointed and ALONE! it is 4:57pm and there is an 80% chance he is going to text me any minute and say.. gonna be late... Sometimes, well a lot of times I think WOW what an incompetant company he works for.. and then I count my blessings that he has a job at all..So I can't complain about him running late.. he does enough of that for the both of us.. not like we ever and I mean EVER have big plans... nah our existence is basically mundane and predictable.. he will come in, complain about work, being tired, being hot, having to shit (50% chance) ask me whats for dinner, then procede to get his stuff together for work tomorrow, ask me if he has clean *enter random peice of clothing here*, then he will most likely play on his ipod whilst laying in bed or the computer... as he lays there he will ask me to go get him something to eat... from a drive thru.. not from the kitchen.. I will say no, he will Promise something.. anything to get me to go lol.. SO LAME *sigh* Why do I look forward to this again? No really.. why?

Luckily I have reserved 2 movies at the redbox and will go pick them as soon as he gets home.. at least I will have the entertainment to numb my mind.. right?

I have been craving steak lately.. man I seriously want a big juicy tender steak..seasoned to perfection. I can almost taste it.. Too bad if I want steak.. I have to make it for myself.. I should have married a chef! ...and a maid.. and a nanny.. and an outdoorsmen to take me camping and roast marshmallows with me.. :(

I am seriously feeling resentment that if I want to do anything.. I basically have to do it alone or twist Jimmys arm 17 times to get him to begrudgingly join me (is that a word?) I want to go camping. I want to go to the zoo, the beach, the museum.. I want to go hiking, hang gliding, deep river water rafting.. I want to travel out of state.. I want to someday tour Europe.. I want to go for walks, go to the park, go swimming, I want to LIVE... I want to interact with adults.. go on double dates.. have partys.. go to partys..

God I am depressing myself

...

You love to play in simple roles
A careless friend
A laughing fool
To hide beneath the wealthless drought
A heart unscathed
Absent of doubt
But time has not been kind
the lines you watch them spread
Your hand goes empty
Your soul unanswered
The scars all hidden from where you once bled
Your eyes scream in hunger
but your mouth never empty
Yet a sorrow resides
Behind a mask for all to envy
Confusion set aside
A beast yet untamed
In hells breast he hides
Set free from his name
Lie cold on this night
Make dreams of the shadows
Alone you are free
to conjure what follows
No blood to share flame
But desire brings warmth
Enough to ease the pain
from the emptiness within your arms

Katie gets a Kodak zi8! Yay cakes!

In Between.

So im lost in the night
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
You..
Somewhere
In between
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch..
what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.
-Catherine D

My sweetest thing,

I am sorry i could not stay with you
This world was just too much
I pray you are looking down on me
Remembering the grace left by my touch

Please forget the days
You found me wrapped around myself crying
I think i knew, before my time
I was merely breathing but always dying

I faded away before i was born
The Screaming lasted much too long
Comforted by the embrace of love
But the darkness was never truly gone

I reached out blindly, Eyes wide shut
Praying for relief, Trying to survive
No matter what i held on to
No matter how hard i tried
I could never find a way to simply feel alive

The precious soul i will miss
My love, My only star
Please know that in this darkened world
I was never meant to get this far

Because of you I suffered
Breathing for only you
Watching over the choices you made
Holding on till I was sure i knew

That you would LIVE without me
That you would find a way
That even in the shadows of what once was
You would shine through night and day

I was merely holding on
As to not leave you behind
But no longer could my hand grasp tight
I fell from you and took my life
Consumed by shadows within my mind

Please forget the sickness you have seen
The ways I bled, the ways I screamed
Please forgive me for leaving this way
I may not be living by your side
BUt i will find the moments beyond this day

To touch your heart
To relieve your pain
To dance with you
Beyond my shame

I made sure to use the other sheets
The ones you never liked
And layed myself upon their threads
Closed my eyes to remember life

When the rain falls, please do not dance alone..
But close your eyes and feel me there
Let your skin tremble and bring you home

When the wind caresses your face,
Feel my breath upon your soul
For I live now in the open
Free from my body
Laughing in the daylight
As my body lies there cold

When the night falls upon you
Hear the whispers of my love
Because I assure you I am still loving you
From my grave, as you stand above

I am no longer in pain
I see not the demons eyes
Passing on the streets of earth
Parading in their flawless disguise

I am no longer afraid
Of losing the ones I hold dear
I have released you from what i am
When you are ready to fly
A promise on death
On loss of breath
I promise my love...
I will meet you here.

Tragic Ending.

I am afraid I cant say this
That too much would be at risk
Im afraid I cant do this
If only you caught wind of this

Im afraid to let my heart
fall into the sea
Afraid to let the tears come out
Leading him to question me

Im afraid to know Im here
Hiding from the world

i didnt want to hear you crying
I knew i should have lied
When you said "i doubt you ever loved me"
I shouldnt have let you hear me cry

Im going to make you dissappear
There is nowhere with me that you can stay
Im going to erase all of you from here
I think it is best i look away

You walked over the words i have said
Wore my love like a crown
and left me for dead

You said i never listened
I say you never spoke
I told you i moved on
You must have thought it was a joke

You thought i would wait
until you had the time
I told you i was leaving
you said that is fine

You agreed we were different
We wanted different things
But now you say you were wrong
and confused about so many things

Im still hearing songs
That silenced me to sleep
When you werent around to hold me
Cause there were other places you wanted to be

The pieces never fit
I knew that all too well
But I was determined to save our love
Even when it left me..
Loving you in hell

But some things never change
Some hearts will never mend
Some stories are just more beautiful
When they find a tragic end

GAH

I have found a place
I now call home
Lying in his arms
Lost within his eyes
I cant force the words to rhyme
I can only speak the love i find

Take me my love
Walk with me this life
Do not allow me to fall behind
Do not look away
For this life is so short
But let this love be eternal
Creating what has been only an idea
Living what has been only a myth
Ill never make you beg to hold me
You need only open your arms
Let us forget what has fallen behind
That in which has made us strong
That in which has made us hurt and hate
Close your eyes and breath This
Know you will not go without ever again
Know that no words will ever be wasted
That I count them like I have counted the days until i found you
That I hold them as a mother very first holds her child
Know you are safe
That love can be our guide
To see us through the obstacles
To lead us through the night
And when it rains dont run
Just hold me close and know
That it cant rain all the time..
and when it ends..
we will still be standing
Forgive me when I am weak
even an angel makes mistakes
That i dont hang my head in shame
I am only watching where I am going
But sometimes you cant avoid stepping in the wrong places
Know my heart is for you..
That you can do no wrong
That this is who you are
and who you are, is who i love
And we are learning to be Us
Patience is a virtue, given to us by the hand of god
An ingredient to all that is great and wonderful in this world
To love.
Without it we cant be whole
Outside of it we are left alone
Patience is strength to weather all storms
Know I give this to you
That there will be days we just dont understand one another..
But the moment you pull me into your arms..
I understand why I am there.

For Us.

We have brought ourselves to a place
where we have seen too much to look away
A place that has been so frightening
and yet so tempting and inviting
Only dreamt of eyes forever
and i am waking now that we are together
Giving away the aching
Handling it outside of pleasure
I see you now in this light
Laying so peacefully
After our bodies have so perfectly formed
..into one
The only one i ever want to be
And i adore you.
I love you for everything you are
Even though you are so unlike me
I love that you laugh in the most awkward ways
I love that I am your best friend and you trust me
You truly trust me
I love who I am now
The smile on my face when i pass a stranger
because i am thinking of you
I love that the girl I thought I was
Has finally become the woman I always needed to be
I love that it is ok to need you
and that you are not ashamed to need me
I love that your eyes light up when they meet mine
even when we are pretending to be mad at one another
I love that neither of us knows how deep our emotions run for the other
but we can only fathom.. because we know it is unimaginable
I love being your favorite and your best
And I love that you want to be reminded that you are mine
You are changing around me
Almost as if I have freed you from the world
As if you were just waiting for me to exist
.. the way i had imagined you would be
and to believe for once
it happened right
for us.

Breathe into me

I find it hard to tell you
That my heart is in your hand
I find it hard to say the words
to turn the glass and reverse the sands

I find your eyes an enigma
I have never been able to see
A sign from within
pointing to you
when i find you looking inside of me


I find in your smile a poison
Paralyzing my heart
Slowing to notice Every moment we make
Making me pray for one less day
Of life before You depart

I find in your embrace a passion
Cascading warmths of fire
Pulling me closer
Stealing my breath
Pushing my hopes into burning desire

I find in your soul a place
Left open wide for me
Born not whole
Far from a deadened soul
I breathe into you
You breathe into me

Solved.

I have been running too long
Afraid to face my fears
Afraid to turn around
and see you still standing here

I have been hiding way too long
In this game of hide and seek
Afraid that you will catch me
and hold me down until im weak

I have been dreaming much too long
Of things that dont exist
Afraid that maybe they do
when im left with dreams of you
I want to wake up and forget all of this

I have been living in a place
where i dont have to see your face
Afraid to stumble in memories
Left in the ashes i cant erase

I am not lost, I know I'm doing fine
Just hiding in a place
I know you could never find
Cause even though i solved your labrynth
You have gone lost and forgotten..
Within Mine

What did you expect?

Tell me what it is you want me to do?
Walk away from my life and crawl back to you?
Your eyes are deceiving
You had me believing
That your words were your bond and your bond was true

Tell me how it would have been
If you didnt lock me out but let me in
But you built a wall
Said screw it all
And you expected me to not drift away in the wind

Tell me what it is you wanted to hear
When you called me up and confessed your fears
Did you want me to cry
Cause you were ready to try
Did you expect me to choke all over my tears?

You left this heart bleeding
barely left beating
Thrown to ground
sickened by the sound
of my mind screaming to stop

You rolled me in dirt
Playing a game
Never stopped the hurt
Ill never be the same

So you said you couldnt play
You got yourself too deep
Your only option was to run away
from something you were never meant to keep

So i ask if you're gonna be ok
I never meant to act this way
But im standing strong
in anothers heart
I havent been better
since we have been apart

Now I close my eyes
No longer seeing you
Living in a dream
I just couldnt live with you

Ouch!

I remember when I loved you secretly
How i lusted out of control
I remember when i held you Secretly
Turning the trust of a lover
to trust of a fewl

I remember when I held your hand so close
How I fell into your arms
I remember The way you looked into my eyes
and how i thought there was no harm

I remember the night we made a pact
To live and love alone
To hold eachother when we fell
But forget one another when we went home

I remember the years you kept me warm
The secrets we shared and made
I remember the sweetness of your lips by night
how it turned to bitter jealousy during the day

I remember the way it had to end
The way you threw me to the floor
Hand crashed upon me
Anger of a thousand wars
When i told you i could not do this ANy more

I remember the fear that you would return
How I closed my eyes tried to forget
The place you once layed
The hearts we betrayed
I remember the ways you became

My biggest Mistake. My Greatest regret.

Sufferance.

Can i be your reoccuring dream?
Can I be your dying wish?
Can i steal your eyes for just a moment
and free your mind from all of this?


Can I be your pleasant night?
Can I be your rainy day?
Can I hold you close for just this one time
and push you down in the light of day?

Can I be the blackness in your heart?
Can i hold a candle to your fire?
Can i say i love you and will never leave
then walk away and never look back
Can I be your little liar?

Can I be your crescent moon
That lights your midnight sky?
Then dissappear..
Be no where near..
Leave you in the darkness to cry?

Can I be the passion you long to know
Pull you close then let you go

Can I be the Air you long to breath
Watch you suffocate without me

Can I be the thirst you cannot bare
Suffering dillusions without me there

Love so tender heart so true
Your greatest mistake was allowing me
To fall in love with You.

Follow.

Can you feel it?
That heart beat in the night?
The one that calls out to you
Wraps itself around your soul
Pulls you to your knees and gives you life

Do you Hear it?
That whisper in the wind?
Like angels sighing
Demons crying
Takes you down and breaths you in

Do you dream it?
The one you cannot see
But feel her touch upon your skin
Drives you to burn like hell from within
Waking to a passion of feverish pleas

To see her again
Steal fantasy from your eyes
She watches as you falter
Adorning a clever disguise

To hold her again
Not knowing where to go
A whisper
a dream
a heartbeat to follow.

Tonight.

I fall into your distant eyes
Find a way to compromise
The sunlight falls
Our moon will rise

I steal the silence to set you free
release the ache inside of me
forgotten all the sorrow
To let become, what will be

One breath left to say goodbye
One heart beat given from your final hello
One door closed with me inside
One door opened, to watch you go

Tragedy or fate,
Destiny or desire?
What a Fight you gave
To distinguish my fire

This Night will take whats left of me
Wake in the morning left so hollow
Passing the question
of want or need
what will be left for me
In my Tomorrow?

Fighting the illness,
so you'll not know
Each day may be our last
Everytime you go

Every kiss may be forgotten
If left within your mind
But fear not love, I will hold it tight
Let the memory live within mine

Im so afraid
I will have to go
before we finish
what we may never know

This love may be the chapter
I never get to write
Be it on paper, or in your soul
We will end this chapter, tonight.

Reasons left unknown
I've lost it all, yet grown

I am Fading into a vision
soon you will no longer see
I am Vanishing into the distance
Created by you...
from me

Be back soon.

Im no where near a place to give
Im lost without my passion to live
Im falling fast alone and lost
Reaching for sanity at any cost

I take this sip of your bitter wine
I lose myself in between the lines
I throw away the reasons to cry
To gather the pieces from your eyes

Shattered dreams with jagged pieces
Hearts confessed what time releases
Tracing your body in the dark
Trying to find my way back to my heart

I no longer count the days gone by
I no longer breathe when i want to cry
All is numb, Im trying to feel
I have forgotten how to speak
as you lie there still

Your eyes they follow my every desire
Watching as I set myself on fire

My souls gone vacant
Left a sign
Be back soon
to make you mine.

Defeated.

It could have been you but it wasn’t

And now I’ve been led astray

That call in the night

Saying everything is alright

Just let go of it all, its ok

It could have been IT but it wasn’t

Cause you never believed it was true

Now your dreams crashing down

With no one around

And I'm standing outside, without you

This could have been something, but it wasn’t

No longer does your heart quiver inside

So you run far from me

Where angels cannot see

Left fallen, screaming your name to the skies

Bleeding My heart shall arise

This should not come as surprise

Wounded I shall be

But you have taken nothing of me

For Long ago I lost my path and followed my heart

Not my eyes

Even angels can be the fooled

Fall to earth to feel what is whole

Watching you from above

Struggle outside of real love

Facing God’s wrath to give her a soul

“Make me human and Give up this life

Just to fall into humanity

Face a vengeful knife

To walk through shadows on my own

taste the wonders, I’ve never known”

With my wings left up there

I will falter to prayer

As I hang my Halo high

And said my last goodbyes

I pointed to You and said “There”

Those are the arms I will fall to

This is the man I have seen

I no longer sleep in the night

So I am surrendering my flight

To look into the eyes..I found in dream

So here I lie bound and broken

My heart bound by vows I have spoken

To my God that I pray

Will forgive me one day

For your human soul I have chosen

Hell over heaven to see

If your heart could be mended by me

But my words fall on deafened ears

My challenges ignored by simple fears

Eyes wide shut, I bartered and pleaded

Not strong enough to wage a war

On a soul..

Who has already been defeated

He Surrendered long ago

To what, I shall never know

Just lingering now

Making it through somehow

There is nothing left for me

I should go home..

No one is Home.

I can stand or I can fall
I can laugh or I can cry
I can keep my head to the ground
or I can raise it to the sky

I can dance or sit it out
I can walk or run instead
I can hope or I can doubt
The memories and dreams within my head

I can hesitate
or Make my way
I can forget the things
I never heard you say

I can bleed
or I can heal
I can forget the ways
You made me feel

I can hate
but I'd love you still
A thousand scholars couldn't convince me
Our love was not real

I can triumph or I can fear
I can burn this to the ground
but I cant live without you here
I can't rest until you're found

I can question
what went wrong
Or throw my hands up
and just move on

I can see truth
or I can pretend
but I can't accept
this is where our journey ends

I can be anything
I ever dreamt I could be
But I don't want to be anything
If what you want, is not in Me

No god will hear me pray
No star will grant my wish
No genie in a bottle will save the day
And I just cant let go of this

I can show the world
but i can't make you see
Your the star I followed each night
That heart is the place I strived to be
In your arms, In your life
As your best friend
As your wife

Now I am wandering in the night
left so fucking aimlessly
Now you are the only star
I can no longer see
Now there is just no where
I will ever care to be
Without your heart I once called home
Lying here right next to me

Let it begin.

Dont you think for one minute
That her smile is alive
Dont you think for one minute
She is not left dying inside

Dont think I am left healing
When the wounds, they still bleed
Dont think I am still feeling
With this emptiness left in me

I miss the person i became
When I was becomming with you
That was the best of me
but now im the worse of the two

Feelings locked and thrown away
Saying whatever I want to say

Now Im empty
and getting by
Poisoning my body to death
to forget that look in your eye

The world as they see it.. im already gone
So they give up at the moment
I speak out what's wrong

Visions of places I used to be
Writhing like demons inside of me

BUrning sensations
of where your hands once pressed
Left foolish temptations
to remove this knife from my chest

But she's already lost
She's too far gone
To bother with untangling
A love gone so wrong


Dont you think for one moment
There is another place I'd rather be
If this world is still turning
You can be sure Im still lying
on the ground waisting..
Right where you left me

312 hours, thirteen days
born on the 13th
i remember when i wasnt the only one
Counting the ways

Seemingly so simple
the ways we fell together
Convinced love was enough
to pull us through the trials we weathered

BUt now as you say
Sometimes its just not
enough to pull us through
So lets just let it Rot!

Throw it away
Pray for the day
that i forget the reasons
I feel this way.

Walking through the dark
Wearing shadows on my skin
To hide from all the marks
and let the healing begin

My memory

After all this time I bought for you
You still stand there without a clue

You think you’re a man now
Somehow you think you understand
How to close your eyes and forget it all
That you are the designer of this plan

Watch me cry and walk away
Through with begging
Nothing left to pray

Watch me fall and break my heart
Through with wondering
And pulling you apart

Have your way
Its what you need
Ill have mine
There are no pleads
Strong enough to see you through
Strong enough to get to you

No tears are worth it in your eyes
Nothing sounds worse than when I cry

It would not exist if you would only give
The love you claim
Ready to live
How can I explain?

Leading the blind
With a gentle hand
When you fall ill reach out
And grab you by the hand

No more tears, I wait for the day
Either you hold on tight
Or let me get away

I give this chance to need no more
I give this heart
To show you what yours is for

I love in ways you’ve never seen
I need in ways you see obscene

Perhaps for once you’ve come across
A person who has learned
From what she has lost

Perhaps there is more
You do not know
If you look deep enough
My eyes will show

Perhaps there is a place
Inside you for me
If only it Exists
As My memory