I want to heal..

 

"You know there is a part of me that will always know the truth.. A part that will never take a street light going out as I pass under it for granted.. A part that will never forget dancing in the rain.. A part that will always know that I am the center of my universe and you are revolving my destiny.. However long you were here, whenever you go.. You will never forget.. That part of me."

This thought crossed my mind as I was out for my walk tonight.. stopping occassionally to take in the moon.. Almost full but still so beautiful.. and I wondered for a moment How long it had been since I stared at it the way I did tonight... and like a flash back the very first time I daydreamed while staring at the moon came back to me, and every other time after that was significant in my life.. I will never forget those nights or the emotion and feeling tied to them... but the truth is, although I will never forget those moments, and never forget those emotions, I despise that I do not get to feel them all of the time.. That they get buried and set aside for mundane day to day life activities. Tucked away, it feels like I have forgotten.. and  I feel guilty when I find it again!

I love losing myself in the magical memories of my past. I love to forget the shadows that are hanging over my head right now. I Love to remember the power I once dwelled in and how euphoric the love I once held was.. I love to taste the fear of the unknown again, before I knew what it was.. or before I never saw what it was again to ever find out..

Tonight, I am just that lost little girl on the beginning of her path to healing this "Unknown" in her life. I want to get rid of all these negative feelings inside me, all of the shame and guilt and pain, I want to heal so I can stop hating everything around me... But WHAT IS KIlling me???? How can I heal from a secret? How can I cope with a Surprise Emotion that falls in my lap and says deal with me? Has the pile become so huge that I cannot pinpoint one moment or occassion or failure or loss or rejection that I am completely LOST as to where to start? Where do I start? Should I write myself a list?
 I think I am afraid of the Truth.

-Katie

Pretend and Seek

There is an ache I lie awake with.. An absence of mind and soul.. Waiting for a new day to begin..
Praying to leave behind what eats at me..
There are many eyes that seek me.. And yet there is that one soul whose eyes have never fell into mine..
And I take him with me into my dream..
I believe he exists, because I have spent my whole life believing in him.. But I have not spent my whole life waiting..
I have existed and made life what I thought it should be
I have taken little comfort in pretending to be complete.. And at times, I thought maybe I truly was.
But the emptiness has told me otherwise..because it is still there to speak at all
Now there are many challenges.. A fortress built around me
And I have become my own demise..

August Update

My God I think about this place all the time and how alive I feel when I am able to delve into this part of me and experience the emotional and deepened side of my soul. I regret that I cannot be here everyday analyzing my inner self, my past, my future, my thoughts and words have been imprisoned from being so busy in life but I think sometimes I also run from myself and fear my own thoughts. I know the more I hide the less I feel. I DO want to feel, no matter how raw it may be at times, but I am so damn afraid of everything that comes with it. I can only hope each day that each step I am taking is bringing me closer to an ending in my life that leaves me with a smile!

It doesn't matter how high you hold your head up..

...When you are walking at the bottom of the sea..

This past month and December have been 2 of the worst months I have experienced in such a long time. There is a pain and an emotional instability that I never thought I would have to face again.. but then, out of sight out of mind. Once I had made it through times such as these, I had forgot how insane I had been driven to become :(

You know, being here and writing, sharing, feeling, was a place I wanted to be, then the havoc in my life started and I felt myself pulling more and more away from the things that made me feel good. On top of the chaos, full time school started up again and for the first time I heard myself say outloud during a break down.. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about school, I just want to give up trying. Hours later after I was somewhat stable again, I couldn't believe after all of these years of dreaming and praying to be able to go back to school, that these words had come out of my mouth.. I was ashamed and yet, I still couldn't find it in me to fight anymore. Not that day anyhow.

At this moment, I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm, or holding on in the calm after the storm.. I dont know what is behind door number 2, I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring, and I don't know where the hell I am going to get the strength to make it through anything else..

I avoid using details because A. some are embarrassing, maybe even shameful.. traumatic but not something people talk about. B. Some of these things are a matter of life and death.. although it is not my life or death, it will extremely and has already extremely effected my immediate family and myself. C. There is a poetic beauty to every tragedy, and in my vagueness, I plan to find something beautiful in the end of all of this. A way to harness the emotion and paint a story.

Sometimes when you are lying there bleeding.. you have that moment of serenity and clarity.. perhaps that moment of hope and strength.. I think those are the moments that have pushed me to just make it out alive one more day...even though the war is not over, and I see no end in sight.. what doesnt kill me.. will EVENTUALLY make me stronger.. *sigh*

No one is listening..

I often find it strange that I am writing a blog and I feel I am speaking to someone..
but no one is listening..
But then I feel maybe one day, my past will be interesting.. and they will search for these tiny treasures in the world that meant something to me..
Like a beautiful song implies, it isnt until you are dead when people start listening..
Maybe this is my way to live on forever..
I have kept written journals from my past locked away in my closet.. perhaps someday.. someone from the future will care enough to read them..
I guess no one has found me interesting enough to want to know everything about me.. every thought, every care, every worry.. every random quirky epiphany I had on that day..
Luckily I find myself interesting enough to archive these things of my life.. and I find it just as interesting to go back and read my lonely words..
Am I in love with myself?
Someone needs to be hahah!!
I have so many friends that pretend to care.. but do they? Is it so wrong to want someone to be enthralled with me? Is it so wrong to wish I found someone that I could feel the same about?
I am starting to wonder if my dreams and beliefs were too far fetched to begin with..
if my ideas of Love and soul mates have become more of fairy tales and daydreams.. things that do not exist.. But why cant they?
I cant be the only one..

A few thoughts..

Today was the first "last day before christmas break" that I did not receive one gift from the kids on my bus.. not One card or candy cane or cookie... Not a mug or candle.. just Nothing.. I am not a greedy person, I am a sentimental person who has saved every picture or card given to me in the 7 years that I have been doing this job.. and sadly, I have nothing to save this year.. only the memory of sticky fingers from the candy canes pased out to them and one kid puking on my bus this morning..
Merry Christmas Miss Katie...

Many years I have only received one or two cards or small gifts, like a home made ornament or a candle from the dollar store.. but it was the thought that made me tear up.. and this year Not one parent thought of me.. I remember my first year I was SURPRISED that anyone thought of me.. but they did.. and I was like wow.. maybe I am appreciated.. (and I am going to keep this part of the post non-hostile) There is no magical message to pull out of this.. My optimism has been worn thin this month. So, Yeah, it was a rant.. and I dont care to put anymore thought into it..

So far today I have cleaned up puke, changed a shitty diaper and gained a pound since I woke up eating nothing.. I know its been awesome..

On another note.. I have found a place for my poetic side in an amazing community of support at deviant art.. who knew they had a literature/poetry community.. seems to go hand in hand.. since I have found much inspiration from DA in the past by viewing through the visual art over there.. The great thing has really been the response, the comments, the faves, the friends.. I dont know how, but it inspires me to write.. and also to write better.

I think it is time that my writing takes a new step up in maturity.. I love to eiminate simplicity when it comes to writing and tie in metaphoric messages that few may get, but those that do Really get it.
I hope I can make use of this little vacation from college and work to write a new piece before the new year.. I am feeling creative and can only hope that that in which pours out of me is worth writing..

I dont think I am going to work out today.. I still have a lot of wrapping to do and I need to get it done this afternoon.. NOT christmas eve. This will be my first christmas eve and christmas morning with my kids in about 5 years.. so I am pretty excited and I want to make some memories (hopefully) Anti-anxiety pills here I come lol!!

The Awakening..

Wow.. I wish wow was all I could say... but this dream last night was insane..

The simple facts..
I was standing in the mirror and saw about 2 inches of a metal stake sticking out of the right side of my chest.. there was blood around it and I was not horrified because I had seen it there from previous dreams.. i touched it a bit and I could tell that it would move if I pulled it.. but I was afraid.. I moved it about half an inch out and it started bleeding pretty bad.. so I hurried and put my shirt back on and decided to ignore it.. for now

Somehow I was homeless and carrying a baby around.. and I found out I was in another country.. because I kept thinking I need to get to a hospital and get this stake taken out. But I was afraid they wouldnt take my insurance in another country.. I was afraid of what would happen if I pulled it out myself.. would I bleed to death? would there be a gaping hole? I knew I needed medical professionals to be there to FIX me.. I dont know. but I do know it had been in there so long there was scar tissue forming around it..

I was at this homeless shelter.. and I remember hiding my purse and taking a shower with my clothes on in this open gym looking shower next to another lady with her clothes on..I remember feeling like I just wanted to wash my hair.. I just wanted to feel clean..

Now the not so simple facts.. the dream interpretation...

The Dehabilitation
The baby.. well I always have a baby. I have always had my children to put before me and think about first.. but the fact that everything I was doing in this dream was One handed, because i was always holding this baby in my other arm cradled against me.. Always protecting them and yet being hindered by their presence.. I am not resentful of this, but I am dehabilitated by this in  so many ways

Finding Home
I had this overwhelming sense of not being lost by being homeless, but feeling like I had nowhere to FEEL safe. I felt uneasy and worried and controlled in ways by the shelter.. I was not free and I was uncomfortable. It makes me see that this is how I feel in my waking life. Truly and honestly I cannot run and hide from HIM.. even when I go to another place in the house.. he is still here and able to cause damage and he often does.. yelling from the basement or coming up and finding something the kids have done wrong... especially when he is already in one of his moods.. and as much as I should feel that this is my safe haven.. that this is my home and my heart should feel at ease here.. it doesnt..not unless he is at work.. that is the only time I truly feel comfortable being "home"

The Removal
This... is the most powerful message from this dream.. one that many may not agree with, but it is my mind, my emotion, my dream, my epiphany.. and This is the message I received last night through this dream.. or was it through the awakening?
I have had this stake in my chest for years.. i have dreamt of it for years.. and yet nothing ever urged me to take it out.. At any point I ever thought to take it out, I always thought, no it would kill me.. I would bleed to death.. Not this time. This time I started thinking above that.. planning to have the medical professionals or in real life The life saving crew, standing by to repair the damage as best as they can and hope I make it through the surgery....Finally in this dream, I Wanted it to be removed.. i wanted it out and I wanted to stop having to work around it. I was ready to take that risk of seeing what would happen when it comes out. I just Despised the fact that it was in there anymore..
But of course all these roadblocks.. who would hold the baby while I went into surgery, how would i pay for it if this other country didnt take my insurance, where would I go to rehabilitate if I had no home??
I think the message is pretty clear..there are and will be road blocks.. but I am going to prepare myself for surgery. I can't live like this any longer. Its killing me either way. People have told me "You will never be happy" people i once loved or had a relationship with.. and at one point I started to believe this.. but now i am thinking to myself.. "What kind of fucked up person tells someone this?" Just because YOU couldnt make me happy.. doesnt mean my happiness doesnt exist..
I am a pretty damn happy person on my own.. I just need someone with the same personality.

Well I know this may be confusing to some, but it is crystal fucking clear to me..

-Katie

So Dim...

I just woke up, eyes swollen from yesterdays breakdown, and I am truly not sure if I would rather still be lingering in last nights dream or todays reality.

Yesterday started out as such a good day.. and quickly snowballed into a day that I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say Fuck Everything.. I really dont want to go into details, because what caused this disturbance is done and over with.. The question is, Where do I go from here? How do I "deal" with it? How do I "learn" from it? How do I "accept" it?

I would like to think I am a fairly emotional stable person.. In the eye of danger I tend to not only stay straight faced and void all thoughts of panic, but I take charge of the situation fearlessly. I do what needs to be done. My mind works so clear at these moments... After the resolution.. after I am out of the situation and back into safety.. THAT is when I lose it.. never fails.

My heart just starts painfully ripping itself apart, blame is thrown every which way in my mind, usually at myself, Chest aching, tears streaming, the inability to talk without crying harder.. Hatng myself, my life, wanting to lay down and die, wishing I werent alive, HATING Life and all the bullshit I have to get through just to have one fucking day worth smiling for... What is that? Oh My good friend the mental breakdown.

Apparently this dark shadow took me yesterday and did not want to let me go.. in fact he stuck around in my dreams and is still lingering not so quietly within my soul. In the silence of the morning, before anyone chose to wake me or themselves for that matter... I wake up and get to listen to the silence of the house as the war in my mind seems miles at distance, it may have moved onward, but I can still hear it, it is still visible in the distance, and I am standing here with bodies all around me...

I made it out of that battle alive.. and though the bodies in their death veils seems somewhat confusing to me.. I can only assume these are some my guardians laying there motionless..
The reasons in life
to NOT give up
to NOT hate myself
to NOT choose eternal sleep over all else...

Because these Reasons, these "Guardians", love me so much, they would die by my side..
 They would die FOR me just to give me one more day of breath if they had to choose...

and for me, in that moment of my most recent battle, where I wanted to throw down my defenses and let the darkness take me away.. where I was so weary and exhausted by battle after battle, one hit after another, constantly defending my life, my happiness, my light... to give up would solve nothing, shatter lives, create darkness in so many live... to take away my light, would be a selfish act of great proportions..

They rose up around me and showed me light when I could no longer remember its existence...
Through being what I have been known to be.. In mirror image..
Strength to the weak..
Voice for the silent..
Beacon for the Lost..

I have shown my soul to so many over the years, without fear..
Today, in the aftermath, I need to find reason
I have to remember what many of my friends in life may Never understand..
GOD
His purpose for me..

I NEED to continue my journey..

This could get messy...

Obviously my last post was a Long drawn out rant about getting ready to start school.. and now here I am 2 weeks from semester Wiser and more comfortable with the idea that my brain has Not turned to mush.. In fact I have surprised myself with an almost A+ average in all of my classes...

Sure sure this is only my first semester back in 10 years, and general ed classes arent that challenging, but I beg to differ in some ways.. I for one never knew Algebra wasnt a rubix cube.. if you only take the time to learn something and truly want to learn it, you can.. well I can (so far anyway) I was a c-d student when it came to algebra in high school.. so for 10+ years, I had the privilege to say I was never good in math.. but now, I have had a new door open up for me.. Hmm Maybe I Can be good in math.

I have realized that school is not a test of what you know, that we were not born with a bucket of knowledge and schools are just there to see what was in YOUR bucket.. Quite the opposite, We were born with a bucket of tools, and schools and teachers are there to TEACH you (wow, odd concept) how to use these tools. It has been an eye opening experience so much so that the speeches with my own kids have changed from, well sometimes we just arent good at things... to, if you Want to be good at it, you need to work for it... ask questions, ask for help, get tutoring...

I never thought I would be the one in class helping Other people learn how to solve an equatic equation.. but I am.. and it feels pretty good.

Now, as for this next semester coming up.. I STILL have anxiety all over again, but for a few different reasons.. I am about to take the next level up in Algebra, and I cant help but feel the same intimidation that I felt back in August :( But I WILL do my best, like I had said before, That is all I have to give. I am honestly still waiting to run into that brick wall that says You CANT do this.. you CANT learn this.. Its too hard.. (I am contradicting myself in my thoughts right now lol) but this is me, this is truth.. this is how I feel and what I fear.

The kids have adjusted well to me going to school, although I have run into a few problems regardless of whether I am in school or not.. Test nights are so stressful for me.. I am on edge and tense and nervous... and I just want peace and serenity and SILENCE... Not going to happen.. unfortunately the kids Will be kids.. and I will be... well... Angry LOL!!

Tomorrow at noon, I will find out if I can get into the Biology class I desperately need (only if someone gets purged for non payment tonight) But I have come to terms since registration day over a month ago that I may NOT get into it this semester.. It also kindled a little fire in me that says, I just cant sit here and do Nothing.. I need to do Something.. Sooooo I changed my Major to Nursing and I will still work on my Radiology degree as the classes become available.. this way, I will have a choice when it comes down to it. Unfortunately at my college there are only 18 seats available into the rad tech program PER YEAR....???!@?@?! ....yeeeaahhh.... SO beginning in January, I am going to apply for as many scholarships for nursing as possible so I can afford the Bridge program into a nearby (overpriced) university of St Francis... Back up plan you ask?? Well JJC offers a less credible RN program, but with 4 kids, a limited income, and limited time.. I have to do what I can do, and just be thankful that I am no longer treading water trying to survive... Sure, I may be swimming upstream.. but atleast I am still swimming and not standing still just accepting life as it is.

I have dreams, and without dreams you dont care to go anywhere other then where you are.. I am not going to watch another year of my life just drift away.. Not anymore...

Welp, Spongebob is on and me and Damien have a date at the Krusty Krab me mateys...
-Katie OUT!! LOL

Hmmm...

Been a long time since I visited my super secrety place.. sometimes I even forget the password.. I do have the memory of a freeze dried Pea.. but yeah. Been doing a lot of Non-thinking lately.. I do NOT want to think and I do NOT want to do.. and yet the anxiety of all the things i need to do and think about feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.. this cycle of avoiding and re-avoiding is most likely not taking me to higher grounds.. because I already feel my feet getting wet.. and I HATE wet socks.

I am afraid for the most part.. hence the anxiety.. I am mainly afraid of failing at school.. HELL I am afraid that if I dont get shit done that I wont even get in this semester at all.. I HATE that I have no one to tell me what to do.. because one minute I thought I had done everything I need to do to register for the fall... and in this minute, I have discovered that I still need to get a HS transcript AND take the act compass test at the college to place me in the correct level of classes.. The good news is the test can basically be taken anytime.. the bad news is.. I NEED TO STUDY for it... and what havent I been doing? Studying.. Why? Because I am afraid that my brain no longer works.. so afraid that I am trying to shut it down.. Can you hear it? The screeching brakes?

...><...

OUCH!!

I have called the school city of hammond Thrice now over the past 3 days and left 2 messages.. today I spoke with a receptionist that said "Well they leave at 3:30" and I kindly replied, "I called before that and 2 days prior and left messages and no one is returning my calls.." She apologized for them. I confirmed the number with her and she said I could also use an extension # and she put me on hold while she found it... 2 minutes later.. she somehow hung up.. Wonder if she went to hammond schools? Probable!

I Saw my little sis updated her status earlier to "Please please wish me good luck" wth?? what for? So I tried asking on FB, I tried calling twice, and I texted her a few times... NADA.. maybe she wanted luck so today would be better then yesterday for her? lol Who the heck knows... Needless to say her and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend and I wanted to buy tickets early so we can be sure to get in at a Time her and I both need due to our hectic lives.. and I can't get a hold of her for that either.. grrrrr...

Waiting for Jimmy to get home again.. wonder how THAT is going to go... yesterday he was so Lame. I hate looking forward to him coming home because When he is in one of "Those" moods... I just feel so disappointed and ALONE! it is 4:57pm and there is an 80% chance he is going to text me any minute and say.. gonna be late... Sometimes, well a lot of times I think WOW what an incompetant company he works for.. and then I count my blessings that he has a job at all..So I can't complain about him running late.. he does enough of that for the both of us.. not like we ever and I mean EVER have big plans... nah our existence is basically mundane and predictable.. he will come in, complain about work, being tired, being hot, having to shit (50% chance) ask me whats for dinner, then procede to get his stuff together for work tomorrow, ask me if he has clean *enter random peice of clothing here*, then he will most likely play on his ipod whilst laying in bed or the computer... as he lays there he will ask me to go get him something to eat... from a drive thru.. not from the kitchen.. I will say no, he will Promise something.. anything to get me to go lol.. SO LAME *sigh* Why do I look forward to this again? No really.. why?

Luckily I have reserved 2 movies at the redbox and will go pick them as soon as he gets home.. at least I will have the entertainment to numb my mind.. right?

I have been craving steak lately.. man I seriously want a big juicy tender steak..seasoned to perfection. I can almost taste it.. Too bad if I want steak.. I have to make it for myself.. I should have married a chef! ...and a maid.. and a nanny.. and an outdoorsmen to take me camping and roast marshmallows with me.. :(

I am seriously feeling resentment that if I want to do anything.. I basically have to do it alone or twist Jimmys arm 17 times to get him to begrudgingly join me (is that a word?) I want to go camping. I want to go to the zoo, the beach, the museum.. I want to go hiking, hang gliding, deep river water rafting.. I want to travel out of state.. I want to someday tour Europe.. I want to go for walks, go to the park, go swimming, I want to LIVE... I want to interact with adults.. go on double dates.. have partys.. go to partys..

God I am depressing myself

...

You love to play in simple roles
A careless friend
A laughing fool
To hide beneath the wealthless drought
A heart unscathed
Absent of doubt
But time has not been kind
the lines you watch them spread
Your hand goes empty
Your soul unanswered
The scars all hidden from where you once bled
Your eyes scream in hunger
but your mouth never empty
Yet a sorrow resides
Behind a mask for all to envy
Confusion set aside
A beast yet untamed
In hells breast he hides
Set free from his name
Lie cold on this night
Make dreams of the shadows
Alone you are free
to conjure what follows
No blood to share flame
But desire brings warmth
Enough to ease the pain
from the emptiness within your arms

Katie gets a Kodak zi8! Yay cakes!

In Between.

So im lost in the night
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
You..
Somewhere
In between
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch..
what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.
-Catherine D

My sweetest thing,

I am sorry i could not stay with you
This world was just too much
I pray you are looking down on me
Remembering the grace left by my touch

Please forget the days
You found me wrapped around myself crying
I think i knew, before my time
I was merely breathing but always dying

I faded away before i was born
The Screaming lasted much too long
Comforted by the embrace of love
But the darkness was never truly gone

I reached out blindly, Eyes wide shut
Praying for relief, Trying to survive
No matter what i held on to
No matter how hard i tried
I could never find a way to simply feel alive

The precious soul i will miss
My love, My only star
Please know that in this darkened world
I was never meant to get this far

Because of you I suffered
Breathing for only you
Watching over the choices you made
Holding on till I was sure i knew

That you would LIVE without me
That you would find a way
That even in the shadows of what once was
You would shine through night and day

I was merely holding on
As to not leave you behind
But no longer could my hand grasp tight
I fell from you and took my life
Consumed by shadows within my mind

Please forget the sickness you have seen
The ways I bled, the ways I screamed
Please forgive me for leaving this way
I may not be living by your side
BUt i will find the moments beyond this day

To touch your heart
To relieve your pain
To dance with you
Beyond my shame

I made sure to use the other sheets
The ones you never liked
And layed myself upon their threads
Closed my eyes to remember life

When the rain falls, please do not dance alone..
But close your eyes and feel me there
Let your skin tremble and bring you home

When the wind caresses your face,
Feel my breath upon your soul
For I live now in the open
Free from my body
Laughing in the daylight
As my body lies there cold

When the night falls upon you
Hear the whispers of my love
Because I assure you I am still loving you
From my grave, as you stand above

I am no longer in pain
I see not the demons eyes
Passing on the streets of earth
Parading in their flawless disguise

I am no longer afraid
Of losing the ones I hold dear
I have released you from what i am
When you are ready to fly
A promise on death
On loss of breath
I promise my love...
I will meet you here.

Tragic Ending.

I am afraid I cant say this
That too much would be at risk
Im afraid I cant do this
If only you caught wind of this

Im afraid to let my heart
fall into the sea
Afraid to let the tears come out
Leading him to question me

Im afraid to know Im here
Hiding from the world

i didnt want to hear you crying
I knew i should have lied
When you said "i doubt you ever loved me"
I shouldnt have let you hear me cry

Im going to make you dissappear
There is nowhere with me that you can stay
Im going to erase all of you from here
I think it is best i look away

You walked over the words i have said
Wore my love like a crown
and left me for dead

You said i never listened
I say you never spoke
I told you i moved on
You must have thought it was a joke

You thought i would wait
until you had the time
I told you i was leaving
you said that is fine

You agreed we were different
We wanted different things
But now you say you were wrong
and confused about so many things

Im still hearing songs
That silenced me to sleep
When you werent around to hold me
Cause there were other places you wanted to be

The pieces never fit
I knew that all too well
But I was determined to save our love
Even when it left me..
Loving you in hell

But some things never change
Some hearts will never mend
Some stories are just more beautiful
When they find a tragic end

GAH

I have found a place
I now call home
Lying in his arms
Lost within his eyes
I cant force the words to rhyme
I can only speak the love i find

Take me my love
Walk with me this life
Do not allow me to fall behind
Do not look away
For this life is so short
But let this love be eternal
Creating what has been only an idea
Living what has been only a myth
Ill never make you beg to hold me
You need only open your arms
Let us forget what has fallen behind
That in which has made us strong
That in which has made us hurt and hate
Close your eyes and breath This
Know you will not go without ever again
Know that no words will ever be wasted
That I count them like I have counted the days until i found you
That I hold them as a mother very first holds her child
Know you are safe
That love can be our guide
To see us through the obstacles
To lead us through the night
And when it rains dont run
Just hold me close and know
That it cant rain all the time..
and when it ends..
we will still be standing
Forgive me when I am weak
even an angel makes mistakes
That i dont hang my head in shame
I am only watching where I am going
But sometimes you cant avoid stepping in the wrong places
Know my heart is for you..
That you can do no wrong
That this is who you are
and who you are, is who i love
And we are learning to be Us
Patience is a virtue, given to us by the hand of god
An ingredient to all that is great and wonderful in this world
To love.
Without it we cant be whole
Outside of it we are left alone
Patience is strength to weather all storms
Know I give this to you
That there will be days we just dont understand one another..
But the moment you pull me into your arms..
I understand why I am there.

For Us.

We have brought ourselves to a place
where we have seen too much to look away
A place that has been so frightening
and yet so tempting and inviting
Only dreamt of eyes forever
and i am waking now that we are together
Giving away the aching
Handling it outside of pleasure
I see you now in this light
Laying so peacefully
After our bodies have so perfectly formed
..into one
The only one i ever want to be
And i adore you.
I love you for everything you are
Even though you are so unlike me
I love that you laugh in the most awkward ways
I love that I am your best friend and you trust me
You truly trust me
I love who I am now
The smile on my face when i pass a stranger
because i am thinking of you
I love that the girl I thought I was
Has finally become the woman I always needed to be
I love that it is ok to need you
and that you are not ashamed to need me
I love that your eyes light up when they meet mine
even when we are pretending to be mad at one another
I love that neither of us knows how deep our emotions run for the other
but we can only fathom.. because we know it is unimaginable
I love being your favorite and your best
And I love that you want to be reminded that you are mine
You are changing around me
Almost as if I have freed you from the world
As if you were just waiting for me to exist
.. the way i had imagined you would be
and to believe for once
it happened right
for us.

Breathe into me

I find it hard to tell you
That my heart is in your hand
I find it hard to say the words
to turn the glass and reverse the sands

I find your eyes an enigma
I have never been able to see
A sign from within
pointing to you
when i find you looking inside of me


I find in your smile a poison
Paralyzing my heart
Slowing to notice Every moment we make
Making me pray for one less day
Of life before You depart

I find in your embrace a passion
Cascading warmths of fire
Pulling me closer
Stealing my breath
Pushing my hopes into burning desire

I find in your soul a place
Left open wide for me
Born not whole
Far from a deadened soul
I breathe into you
You breathe into me

Solved.

I have been running too long
Afraid to face my fears
Afraid to turn around
and see you still standing here

I have been hiding way too long
In this game of hide and seek
Afraid that you will catch me
and hold me down until im weak

I have been dreaming much too long
Of things that dont exist
Afraid that maybe they do
when im left with dreams of you
I want to wake up and forget all of this

I have been living in a place
where i dont have to see your face
Afraid to stumble in memories
Left in the ashes i cant erase

I am not lost, I know I'm doing fine
Just hiding in a place
I know you could never find
Cause even though i solved your labrynth
You have gone lost and forgotten..
Within Mine

What did you expect?

Tell me what it is you want me to do?
Walk away from my life and crawl back to you?
Your eyes are deceiving
You had me believing
That your words were your bond and your bond was true

Tell me how it would have been
If you didnt lock me out but let me in
But you built a wall
Said screw it all
And you expected me to not drift away in the wind

Tell me what it is you wanted to hear
When you called me up and confessed your fears
Did you want me to cry
Cause you were ready to try
Did you expect me to choke all over my tears?

You left this heart bleeding
barely left beating
Thrown to ground
sickened by the sound
of my mind screaming to stop

You rolled me in dirt
Playing a game
Never stopped the hurt
Ill never be the same

So you said you couldnt play
You got yourself too deep
Your only option was to run away
from something you were never meant to keep

So i ask if you're gonna be ok
I never meant to act this way
But im standing strong
in anothers heart
I havent been better
since we have been apart

Now I close my eyes
No longer seeing you
Living in a dream
I just couldnt live with you