Sunday, December 11, 2011

So Dim...

I just woke up, eyes swollen from yesterdays breakdown, and I am truly not sure if I would rather still be lingering in last nights dream or todays reality.

Yesterday started out as such a good day.. and quickly snowballed into a day that I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say Fuck Everything.. I really dont want to go into details, because what caused this disturbance is done and over with.. The question is, Where do I go from here? How do I "deal" with it? How do I "learn" from it? How do I "accept" it?

I would like to think I am a fairly emotional stable person.. In the eye of danger I tend to not only stay straight faced and void all thoughts of panic, but I take charge of the situation fearlessly. I do what needs to be done. My mind works so clear at these moments... After the resolution.. after I am out of the situation and back into safety.. THAT is when I lose it.. never fails.

My heart just starts painfully ripping itself apart, blame is thrown every which way in my mind, usually at myself, Chest aching, tears streaming, the inability to talk without crying harder.. Hatng myself, my life, wanting to lay down and die, wishing I werent alive, HATING Life and all the bullshit I have to get through just to have one fucking day worth smiling for... What is that? Oh My good friend the mental breakdown.

Apparently this dark shadow took me yesterday and did not want to let me go.. in fact he stuck around in my dreams and is still lingering not so quietly within my soul. In the silence of the morning, before anyone chose to wake me or themselves for that matter... I wake up and get to listen to the silence of the house as the war in my mind seems miles at distance, it may have moved onward, but I can still hear it, it is still visible in the distance, and I am standing here with bodies all around me...

I made it out of that battle alive.. and though the bodies in their death veils seems somewhat confusing to me.. I can only assume these are some my guardians laying there motionless..
The reasons in life
to NOT give up
to NOT hate myself
to NOT choose eternal sleep over all else...

Because these Reasons, these "Guardians", love me so much, they would die by my side..
 They would die FOR me just to give me one more day of breath if they had to choose...

and for me, in that moment of my most recent battle, where I wanted to throw down my defenses and let the darkness take me away.. where I was so weary and exhausted by battle after battle, one hit after another, constantly defending my life, my happiness, my light... to give up would solve nothing, shatter lives, create darkness in so many live... to take away my light, would be a selfish act of great proportions..

They rose up around me and showed me light when I could no longer remember its existence...
Through being what I have been known to be.. In mirror image..
Strength to the weak..
Voice for the silent..
Beacon for the Lost..

I have shown my soul to so many over the years, without fear..
Today, in the aftermath, I need to find reason
I have to remember what many of my friends in life may Never understand..
His purpose for me..

I NEED to continue my journey..

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