...When you are walking at the bottom of the sea..
This past month and December have been 2 of the worst months I have experienced in such a long time. There is a pain and an emotional instability that I never thought I would have to face again.. but then, out of sight out of mind. Once I had made it through times such as these, I had forgot how insane I had been driven to become :(
You know, being here and writing, sharing, feeling, was a place I wanted to be, then the havoc in my life started and I felt myself pulling more and more away from the things that made me feel good. On top of the chaos, full time school started up again and for the first time I heard myself say outloud during a break down.. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about school, I just want to give up trying. Hours later after I was somewhat stable again, I couldn't believe after all of these years of dreaming and praying to be able to go back to school, that these words had come out of my mouth.. I was ashamed and yet, I still couldn't find it in me to fight anymore. Not that day anyhow.
At this moment, I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm, or holding on in the calm after the storm.. I dont know what is behind door number 2, I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring, and I don't know where the hell I am going to get the strength to make it through anything else..
I avoid using details because A. some are embarrassing, maybe even shameful.. traumatic but not something people talk about. B. Some of these things are a matter of life and death.. although it is not my life or death, it will extremely and has already extremely effected my immediate family and myself. C. There is a poetic beauty to every tragedy, and in my vagueness, I plan to find something beautiful in the end of all of this. A way to harness the emotion and paint a story.
Sometimes when you are lying there bleeding.. you have that moment of serenity and clarity.. perhaps that moment of hope and strength.. I think those are the moments that have pushed me to just make it out alive one more day...even though the war is not over, and I see no end in sight.. what doesnt kill me.. will EVENTUALLY make me stronger.. *sigh*