Thursday, August 30, 2012
I want to heal..
This thought crossed my mind as I was out for my walk tonight.. stopping occassionally to take in the moon.. Almost full but still so beautiful.. and I wondered for a moment How long it had been since I stared at it the way I did tonight... and like a flash back the very first time I daydreamed while staring at the moon came back to me, and every other time after that was significant in my life.. I will never forget those nights or the emotion and feeling tied to them... but the truth is, although I will never forget those moments, and never forget those emotions, I despise that I do not get to feel them all of the time.. That they get buried and set aside for mundane day to day life activities. Tucked away, it feels like I have forgotten.. and I feel guilty when I find it again!
I love losing myself in the magical memories of my past. I love to forget the shadows that are hanging over my head right now. I Love to remember the power I once dwelled in and how euphoric the love I once held was.. I love to taste the fear of the unknown again, before I knew what it was.. or before I never saw what it was again to ever find out..
Tonight, I am just that lost little girl on the beginning of her path to healing this "Unknown" in her life. I want to get rid of all these negative feelings inside me, all of the shame and guilt and pain, I want to heal so I can stop hating everything around me... But WHAT IS KIlling me???? How can I heal from a secret? How can I cope with a Surprise Emotion that falls in my lap and says deal with me? Has the pile become so huge that I cannot pinpoint one moment or occassion or failure or loss or rejection that I am completely LOST as to where to start? Where do I start? Should I write myself a list?
I think I am afraid of the Truth.