Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Awakening..

Wow.. I wish wow was all I could say... but this dream last night was insane..

The simple facts..
I was standing in the mirror and saw about 2 inches of a metal stake sticking out of the right side of my chest.. there was blood around it and I was not horrified because I had seen it there from previous dreams.. i touched it a bit and I could tell that it would move if I pulled it.. but I was afraid.. I moved it about half an inch out and it started bleeding pretty bad.. so I hurried and put my shirt back on and decided to ignore it.. for now

Somehow I was homeless and carrying a baby around.. and I found out I was in another country.. because I kept thinking I need to get to a hospital and get this stake taken out. But I was afraid they wouldnt take my insurance in another country.. I was afraid of what would happen if I pulled it out myself.. would I bleed to death? would there be a gaping hole? I knew I needed medical professionals to be there to FIX me.. I dont know. but I do know it had been in there so long there was scar tissue forming around it..

I was at this homeless shelter.. and I remember hiding my purse and taking a shower with my clothes on in this open gym looking shower next to another lady with her clothes on..I remember feeling like I just wanted to wash my hair.. I just wanted to feel clean..

Now the not so simple facts.. the dream interpretation...

The Dehabilitation
The baby.. well I always have a baby. I have always had my children to put before me and think about first.. but the fact that everything I was doing in this dream was One handed, because i was always holding this baby in my other arm cradled against me.. Always protecting them and yet being hindered by their presence.. I am not resentful of this, but I am dehabilitated by this in  so many ways

Finding Home
I had this overwhelming sense of not being lost by being homeless, but feeling like I had nowhere to FEEL safe. I felt uneasy and worried and controlled in ways by the shelter.. I was not free and I was uncomfortable. It makes me see that this is how I feel in my waking life. Truly and honestly I cannot run and hide from HIM.. even when I go to another place in the house.. he is still here and able to cause damage and he often does.. yelling from the basement or coming up and finding something the kids have done wrong... especially when he is already in one of his moods.. and as much as I should feel that this is my safe haven.. that this is my home and my heart should feel at ease here.. it doesnt..not unless he is at work.. that is the only time I truly feel comfortable being "home"

The Removal
This... is the most powerful message from this dream.. one that many may not agree with, but it is my mind, my emotion, my dream, my epiphany.. and This is the message I received last night through this dream.. or was it through the awakening?
I have had this stake in my chest for years.. i have dreamt of it for years.. and yet nothing ever urged me to take it out.. At any point I ever thought to take it out, I always thought, no it would kill me.. I would bleed to death.. Not this time. This time I started thinking above that.. planning to have the medical professionals or in real life The life saving crew, standing by to repair the damage as best as they can and hope I make it through the surgery....Finally in this dream, I Wanted it to be removed.. i wanted it out and I wanted to stop having to work around it. I was ready to take that risk of seeing what would happen when it comes out. I just Despised the fact that it was in there anymore..
But of course all these roadblocks.. who would hold the baby while I went into surgery, how would i pay for it if this other country didnt take my insurance, where would I go to rehabilitate if I had no home??
I think the message is pretty clear..there are and will be road blocks.. but I am going to prepare myself for surgery. I can't live like this any longer. Its killing me either way. People have told me "You will never be happy" people i once loved or had a relationship with.. and at one point I started to believe this.. but now i am thinking to myself.. "What kind of fucked up person tells someone this?" Just because YOU couldnt make me happy.. doesnt mean my happiness doesnt exist..
I am a pretty damn happy person on my own.. I just need someone with the same personality.

Well I know this may be confusing to some, but it is crystal fucking clear to me..


No comments: