Saturday, December 01, 2012

Broken Hour Glass

So we thought being given a year left with you was devestating enough, it has only been a couple months and already you are no longer the same person you were a year ago.. Last december is when we found out that you were sick. The day before we found out may have been the last day that we didn't worry day in and day out about you.. but today... Today, they took away the year we were given and the hour glass was cracked. In just the past few weeks, you have lost your ability to stand and walk. You have become a person and a personality I no longer recognize. You spend most of your time planning out your next cigarette or beer or pain medication.. and the other part of your time sleeping or staring off into nowhere. They had a party for you last weekend, they called it a celebration of your life, a reunion.. they called it evrything then what it really was, a goodbye party.
I have never been to such a thing, but I was there, behind the scenes, trying to do as much as I could helping strangers I have never met before feel comfortable and welcome, guess that is what I am good at. I bought you a journal and I spent a lot of my night chasing people down asking them to leave you a private written message for you to read. I made sure your children signed and wrote in it first.. and I was near last before I finally wrote the things that I wanted to say. I don't even know if you know I was the one who put together this journal, I have seen it sitting in 2 positions in your livingroom, so I am assuming you have been reading it. I wonder what everyone else said. I hope what I said wasnt too much, or not enough.
Back to my point, today we found out that the cancer has spread to your brain.. It has only been heresay to me, but  I am thinking I heard that you could live a few more weeks or a few more months, but you are still deciding whether or not you would like to have radiation therapy done to your brain tumors. I heard one dr tell you that it would help restore your ability to walk, and another dr tell you that once those abilities are lost, they are hard to get them back, I am not sure what to believe or trust in, but the truth is, radiation will not cure you, only help relieve the syptoms that the tumor and swelling of your brain is causing the rest of your body. I read that some of the symptoms of the cancer spreading to your brain can be personality changes, loss of judgement, loss of speech, and memory loss... who will you be then? It is just crazy to think that we will possibly not even know you anymore and vice versa. That this personality change could be good or bad, but either way, it will be the new you until the end.

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