Where do I fall?

Everyday
Waking to feel your presence
Turning over to feel your breath
Its gone again
Where have you been
Hiding within yourself
Within your worries
Losing myself to your silence
Consuming yourself in your Apathy
Time passes by and windows are being opened
You do not have to push me
Ill jump out on my own
My make up smeared
Does this mean im only partially deceiving the world?
I watch from your window
PLanning where id like to fall
What are the chances I will end up where i want to?
Why has it come to this?
When will you finally look my way?
What part will go numb first
slowly shutting down
Condeming myself for wanting to feel
To never lose a moment
Your time seems so plentiful
the way you throw it to the ground for another day
Would be nice to stop loving you today
knowing you will always be there in my tomorrow
But i have lived that life
I have watched that fail
I refuse to not give everything i am
every day i can
I have watched my security being torn from me
I have woken in the night lost..
No longer sure where i was going
Dont expect me to stand back and pretend
You may never go, if i dont know when
Whether in living or your death
I will have loved your every breath
Knowing you needed nothing more
Than the person i have become
Than the woman you adore
I turn from the window and look in your eyes
You love me, and i finally realize
I step down and lay by your side
Laying my head.. where your heart resides
I love you.

Could this be for you?

Could this be for you..
What would it matter anyway?
Everywhere i turn
Everything i am missing
You hold the key
You hold it so tight, your hand bleeds
Battling the agreeance to sleep
Stay away from me tonight
Hide me from the light
Let my eyes turn red staring at this picture in my mind
Let my tears run dry
fighting off the world
Fighting off the supposed Good
Secret desires are cruel arent they?
I warned you
I warned them all
Stay away from me
I will be your greatest mistake
That is all i have ever become
It kills me that we won't die together
It burns inside me, knowing that my memory is soon to fade
Knowing I will always wonder why
Didnt i say You deserve much better
that it wasnt you, it was me
It wasnt a fucking line
It was your freedom
You handed me your heart
So I sit here holding it
Wondering what to do with it
Wondering if I will ever be selfless enough to give it back
To walk up and lay it in your hand
and turn to walk away
Closure is a myth
Pretending to not feel the pain
Imagining we are Alive
Doesnt it feel so good?
NO!
It doesnt!
Its like an injection of dead blood
running through my veins
Thoughts of you release this poisoning
This deafening silence
When the world stands still
I look to the sky and wonder if that is You on the wind
If you have sent your pain in a whirlwind
Blowing past me
To remind me you are still there
Existing
Making me stop in my tracks
Screaming your name in my head
Binding my hands to stop my heart
Hiding..
I am hiding
I don't think it will ever be safe
To know who i am inside
To know what i truly feel
And how i will destroy myself
to heal myself
I dont think it will ever be right
To live this way
To fake this life
to Make this life
I am so many things.. in their minds
So Many Things
I am a song that no one sings..
Because no one wants to believe this exists
No one wants to see what is not so beautiful
Sit there and look pretty
Dont speak
Dont Cry
Just sit..
Push it all outside of your mind
Distract your pretty little head
Dont listen to the whispers
Pay no heed to the laughing outside these walls
So its best you didnt get tangled up in my web
But it is too late for you
There you are..
Here.. I am
Standing here below you holding your bleeding heart
extended to you my love..
I no longer have the strength to try and save you
Only let you join me
Oh it will be
It will
No one pays attention anyway
I could light so many fires
before they even see the smoke
Burn you alive?
Never
You have suffered enough
It is my turn now
I fight alone now..
I am so tired
Thats all i can think
I hear.. You are not alone
Over and over in my head
BUT I AM
I Am Alone
Who the fuck is in my head saying that...LIES
Lies..
So one day.. you said.. What else could it be
Nothing else..
Nothing
Love through hate..Or is it merely
Hate.. through Love?
I was once told, you choose who to fall in love with
And i thought he was so right
I thought he held all the answers in his hands
I felt comfort
I thought i had just had an epiphany of the truth
But he was wrong
You dont choose love..
It chooses you.
And you can fight it tooth and nail
You can fight it until you battered and bruised
You will Never win
Never..
It consumes you
Like a plague
A euphoric plague that diminishes your sense of self
A demon that steals away your free will
Chains you to a wall of purgatory
Every breath is numb
Every heartbeat is faint
Everything tastes like NOTHING
Love is your master
And you are a slave among many
Thrown to the masses
Lost and wounded
Trying to find your way back home
I want to go home.

I miss Him.

Will the moments in between be too much?
How can every goodbye be so bittersweet?
How can every hello be so craved?
Is it not enough to know he is yours,
That somewhere out there.. He loves you?
Guess i never thought of it that way
With most, time creates a numbness
A loss of excitement
but still.. only hours outside his glance
I miss him.. like a poet misses the pain
I miss him..
Without him, I no longer feel the rain
My hand is empty now
There is nothing there to reach for
Left alone with my emotions once again
I just wanted to live each day like my last
To love so deeply..
To show him what Love truly is.
I felt the end the other night
In a vision maybe
Not the end of us, but the end of All that will be
I felt my own mortality smack me in the face
I ran to him and held him in my arms
"Life is so short"
I don't want to live one moment without him
I did not think this would be me
I did not think I would feel what i do
I thought he would come, then he'd go
I did not think i would be sitting here crying
Just because he went Home.
I am at a loss for words
Afraid to say I love You
Listening to my soul speak it all night
as i lay with my arms wrapped around him
My hand pressed against his stomach
My lips pressed against his back
I listened to the wind outside my window as i held him
told him, id forgotten to stop and feel the wind
..Until today
Forgotten to listen
To the clocks ticking
to the beating of his heart
Forgotten the comfort of lying within love
walking in to a smile
leaning in.. to a kiss
I feel like i have woken from the deepest sleep
wiping away the cloudiness of my eyes
Finally feeling.. the precious meaning of life
They say, "You do not know what you had until it is gone".
Well.. Sometimes "They"..
Are Wrong.
I know.

Sleep no longer.

Magic Potion
of eyes wide open
Stir my soul
Repair the BrOken
I shadow many
Follow few
I reach for strangers
to pull them through
give them fragments
of hope to renew
Faith in humanity
A reason to shine
Grasp on reality
When our fates intertwine
Missing pieces
placed in their hand
Unlit corners
No longer withstand
The Light within them
SLeeping no longer
How brilliant they shine
Rebirthing Stronger
Your light from mine
I touch your face
"This is Your time"

Hollow Love.

Forget my eyes..
They no longer cry
I may fall down
But do not reach for me
I do not want your pity
I do not want your sympathy
Your Love is Not sympathetic
Your love is Conditional
Conditions written by your obsession
Cut into me with your anger
Strangle me with Your needs
This is not what Love does
This is what makes hearts bleed
I will not turn around
This is a final goodbye
Releasing all your demons
CReating distance.. Cutting ties
A muse that no longer Amuses you
Just Binds and confuses You
A goddess Hiding her disease
Behind a mask of beautiful deceit
This is Your devestation
Your obsession
Your Manifestation
Dead to the world
Leaving behind an emptiness
With residual passions
A memory of a thought
A poetic Possession
Forcing you into regression
You can no longer push what is no longer there
You cannot reach out if you no longer care
I will not stay with you here
Watch me slip away
Leaving these bruises
Watch me Laugh and Fade
Everyone loses
Your screaming out "Go Away"
But your realy asking.. "Why arent you begging me to stay?"
No more Im sorry
No more asking why
Just pull in your end of this string
Wrap it around yourself and Cry
This is my Goodbye.

Words of Blood.

I have painted your memory into a beautiful ache
One that reaches out and turns the hearts of strangers
Had you never came
Had you never went
What purity would my words endure?
This story belongs to you
This is for you..
I have turned you into something to crave
I have made your eyes visible in the souls of others
I parted your wings and made you human
I take a part of you which now belongs to me
My breath seeps into my pillow
Loud and disruptive
My heart beats this unwanted blood through my veins
the blood that once meant something to you
I have created this prison
Where i keep you in these pages
Like a caged animal for all to view
Putting your weaknesses on display
They think your a god..
to bring me to my knees
To weaken what they know as strength
But you and I know
You are nothing outside my mind
We had a place.. and you burned it to the ground
We had what everyone wants
What Men have died to defend
And You surrendered it all
So I add the finishing touches to your Great Tragedy
Singe the wound and tie the last stitch
You will heal just fine
Your just another torn out page
Just another tearful memory
Not a tear for your return
But a tear of pity for myself perhaps
A shameful memory of watching myself unravel
Seeing what I had been reduced to in your absence
You were only a vapor of reality
An apparition of what my mind created
A counterpart in a fantasy fed to us as children
And taken away as we grow older
The night will come and I will lay you to rest
Placing within you a token of my gratitude
Thank you for giving me this passion to live on without you
Thank you for walking away and leaving me with my thoughts
Thank you for each night I had to endure
For ripping my heart open and allowing my blood to form words
These words..
This Blood...
Now I give it away to the world..
Not just you
Without you now.. I am never alone.
I am given to this world
Thank You.

Until Then..

The moon isnt as beautiful anymore
The stars are falling but all wishing has seized
The dance we dreamt of will never come
The musics essence has rendered numb

Senses gone.. you promised to not forget
I promised to never walk away
My words have turned sour
and here i stay

How can I trust that love is blind
That no one will see into my heart
and know what is inside mine

The tides are changing
Seasons misplaced in time
and yet the world still spins
each day without fail
My lungs still breath
When nothing feels the same
and so much of you remains

Every turn the wrong way
So i stand here for awhile
Taking in all that has been
Dreaming of your smile

My last mistakes left to choose
Lingering through my mind the precious.. the few

The sadness obliterated with distractions
The thoughts muffled with a false sense of security
A pillow if you may..
To smother the life I have forseen
A Stone.. to shatter the glass you watch me through
A death row Pardon..
Granted..
and yet the reaper follows close behind.

Where will I go.. unknowing of the end
I should turn around to look death in the eyes..
meet him at his playground
But now is not the time
For now i will close my eyes
Head to the ground..

Still waiting for my senses
Hand outreached for strength...
Heart holding in the truth..
Until then..
Until then.

FalleN And CoNtent.

Hold my hand in yours
Can you feel me breathing now?
Your heartbeat deafens the silence
Water falling from behind
A candles flicker dances on the ceiling
A kiss to remind you im still there
A sigh to question if you are too
I have never heard my thoughts so loud
To kiss your body and warm my lips
Lay against you leaving no room to be torn apart
This perfection may never leave this room
Your words may not say what it is you say right now
Your touch may not linger outside these walls
So i lead you here
Time after time
To remember what it is by day
That i crave into each night
Silencing the confusion in this darkness
Taking in the love that belongs to me
Wearing it upon my neck
Checking in the mirror to be sure it still adorns my chest
Inking a heart onto my wrist
Letting it seep into my veins
A heart.. to bleed inwards
for you..
Asleep again..
Fallen and content
Never to drift away.

To my dearest Lucifuge...

A list of tragedies.. written in short..
A day to supress the dreams of Happiness
A moment to grasp what is real and true
Handed a glimpse of faith
A tiny letter beneath your pillow
A whisper into your eyes wide shut
"I am here...I am here!"

To my dearest Lucifuge

Reclamation.

My drug.. my addiction
My precious pain
All lies in your words
Your constant return
After all it wasnt that far to fall
In my sobriety I look away and think not of the butterflies
Tear them up.. these endless love letters
Watch me throw them away
But do not let me see you
I am strong
as long as your gone

Your eyes make my heart tighten
The poison of your memory in my mind
Sight unclear
Where has my composure gone?
Nothing makes sense when you speak
But your a needle to my vein
A morphine to my craving
To dull the truth
With your darkened song
I hear myself humming it in my sleep
You keep cutting me.. cutting way too deep

Out on a limb..
Ready to fall.. to be free
Wont you reach out..
Spare my soul..
and push me..please?

I cast a part of me.. to make you follow it away
Just far enough to capture this apparition
As I close my eyes and run...
As far from you as i can be
Try to make you forget what you have seen
Pretend I never knew you
Pretend you never knew me
Wipe away the love you have envisioned
I think it is healthier this way
Better that you not hang on
Your words are over run by your actions
Ill admit where i have gone wrong

Staring at the sky.. breathing in the silence
I have forgotten how redeeming it feels to be free
I have forgotten the little things inside of me
Ill take this time to listen again
Ill take this time to be a friend
Ill give myself what has been taken away
I am reclaiming who i wanted to be yesterday

Looking in at Me.

Take a tiny string
wrap it around my finger
Remind me of what is wrong
Remind me of where I have been
Where I wake up from
Where I fall asleep
Alone

Take a tiny pin and poke it in my eye
Make it all even
For everything i said that was a lie
Its just a little pin prick
Its ok
Its ok to cry

I wanted to mean more
I want you to feel the other side of me
But you are that tiny pin
Strangle me with your tiny string

You'd want to know wouldnt you
How it would feel to be outside of me

Kiss me so it burns without
Hold me so your arms never feel the same
You wanted to look into my eyes
So the thought of them would haunt you
So the thought of me
never sets you free

Im supposed to make it better
Im supposed to save you
To shelter you from this world
To warm you from the cold
To pull you in and make you feel
To show you the meaning of real

And here I am.. failing
Here I am bleeding

Tell me is she ok?
Tell me is she in there?
I need to know
Where did she go?
How did she go?

Not walking into tragedy
I see the fire surround me
im walking through
away from you
Its time I fight for me
Its time I comfort me
Lick my wounds
Tastes so sweet to hurt doesn't it
Sounds so comforting to hear my own screams

There is Nothing Not inside of me
Here in the face of my own insanity

I feel it all
I see it all
I Give it ALL!!!

Not what you need..
Not what you see..

This mirror is so cruel
No longer outside looking in
But inside looking out
The vision I must go without
The one I perceive to be
The one they believe is me
No matter what angle i look..
How i try to see
There is no one else there
No one
STanding there beside me
They are all outside..
Outside Looking in at ME!!

Dedicated to: Those of you looking in..
So I guess... everyone! Take it.. this is for you!

Dream no more.

Your in my dreams and you will never know
You can't end up
Where you refuse to go
I lie here fighting the illness
One that leaves me week
Born into a world of confusion
Released free with a perfect imbalance
Sanity replaced only in sleep
When i smile it is infectious
So wont you hold me?
Be that reason I need?
I am pulled here to make others live
While i pull myself together each night
with no one to show me the way
I know now i can blame no one
Not even myself
For hiding within what i do not understand
For that which scares me
surely cannot be comforting to others
He says speak of it
I tell him I am afraid
If i can just hold in there a few more days
Everything will come together for a short time
and i can rest in the arms of love
Comfort lost with the kiss of goodbye
Misplaced happiness with the closing of the door
The silence is deafening
His absense an eclipse
Left with everything to lose
So the night falls
and i still hold his hand in mine
with my eyes pressed closed
knowing he is not really there
Dont take this away from me
Let me sleep
Let me dream
Holding the pillow he once layed his head
wrapping myself around it
lying my face against it as it were his chest
Landing safely into my dreams
never letting go
I want to show you..
I want to whisper to you gently
and move your heart
Hide the emptiness beneath your smile
Why not?
It all goes away in the end
I need you
to believe in me
Because its not better off this way
If I give my dreams to you
will you take them away from me?
If i show you where I want to go
Will you close your eyes, pretending not to see?
Waiting for the breakdown
That bond that nothing can come between
I will watch you on your way down
Hold you tightly, while things first seen
seem so foreign.. feel so new
I will guide you my love..
I am not here to mislead you
Only take this world
and give you life u did not know
one unknown to many
and held by few
My heart for yours
Tied in Two
Your soul redeemed
Resting in this place till the sand replaces time
Holding onto one another
Your hand.. In Mine.
No longer just my dream

Breath of Heaven Lyrics.

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And i wonder what i've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me
now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load i bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must i walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder
as you watch my face,
If a wiser
one should have had my place,

But i offer all i am
For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Not a blink.

I can make it through without you
but do i really have to
Standing here alone..
Laughing at the flames
Waiting for you to join me
It just doesnt really feel the same
I did this for you..
Not a blink at the worlds
id bring down for you
Crashing around me..
A great force to walk to you
There was just no other way
Than to turn my head
to make you stay

Take this kiss my love
Take it into your dream
I am here
Holding onto the gift you have given..
Flowing within you
The Warmth I have craved
The touch I have become addicted to
The taste of your lips on mine
Your finger running up my spine

I never imagined this was how it would become
I never knew you'd throw down your pride
and now.. here You stand before me
And i do not believe my eyes
Your heart still beating..
wildly

A flood of tears fall
to claim your heart again
Releasing every anxiety I have discovered
Here i breath again
No longer biting my lip and sigh
Fallen..
Gazing
towards the sky
You are amazing
I notice every little thing
I see every smile
I feel every breath you take in
I capture every glance
Never.. taken for granted
Never left for chance
Arms wide open i ran to you
Broke down the walls built
keeping me Without you.

The Turn Around.

These are the spaces in between
Where Always has turned to never
Where heartache fades to a smile
Maybe...Vanishes into Forever

These are the dreams in between
Where screaming turns to silence
Where Nothing becomes your everything
Guilt... Returns you to Innocence.

These are the moments in between
Where there is nothing left to fight
Where running away turns to standing still
Everything.. feels so right

This is the Reality in between
The Insanity..
Of life
Where Everything calms down
and for once you can see things happening
As they happen..
Not after they pass you by...

No more reasons to look behind.
No meanings left to search for.
No more words unspoken
No more walking out the door.

No more uncomfortable silence.. when love should be whispered in the wind
I love you too.

Dedicated to my love, Greg.
Unhappiness does not have to be the only inspiration.. I love you!

This is it.. it is Happening!

-ME-

Friday, 15th December 2006

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21)

How long is a piece of string? Write your answer please on a piece of string and send it to the following address. Better still, don't bother. Just give the string to a chicken and ask it to carry it across the road. The world is full of things we can neither properly quantify nor fully explain. That's what makes it magical. It's also what makes it mad. Your journey from now till Christmas is due to be both beautiful and bizarre. Appreciate what's good about it and be amused by whatever makes no sense.

-Greg and Cat-

Friday, 15th December 2006

LEO (Jul 24 - Aug 23)

They used to do a lot of slaughtering of the first born back in the olden days. A Pharaoh tried it in a vain attempt to keep Moses at bay. Herod, similarly, made a failed pre-emptive strike on Jesus. Who told them that a great soul was about to be born? An astrologer! This job carries a lot of responsibility. It is my duty to tell you now that a powerful force is about to rise up in your world. Don't waste energy trying to outwit or avoid it. Accept it. Embrace it. And allow it to bring forth a transformation.

-Erik-

Friday, 15th December 2006

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

The Sun, this weekend, edges ever closer to a conjunction with Pluto. Remember Pluto? This time last year, Pluto was a planet. Now, well, according to the scientists, it is not as important as it used to be. So, it won't be about to ensure that you have a life-changing experience, that you understand something crucial and that you walk through a doorway into a whole new realm within the next 48 hours or so. Or, er, will it? Actually, it will. You will remember this weekend for the rest of your life.

His weakness.

Are you taking me away
Come to mark your prey
Undone within your grasp
So tortured and bound
Little time has passed

The blood that falls beyond your eyes
Watching yours flow to the crypt
as you salivate for mine
An angels life blood you wish to sip

Poison wicked hearts of demons
What is it you hear
That you have not been seeing

Imititate light.. the shades have been pulled
You secretly desire..
The masses have been fooled

Smoke in the trees
You hide in the night
Fading into the darkness
Diminishing before the light

On my knees to pray
You come from behind
To feast my sweet vein
Your presence is weakened in MIne

You lust for the innocense
Like nectar of gods
Create an obsession
Yet the beauty forces your pause

Determined to possess
To turn.. to Sire
My eyes.. paralyze your senses
Only threatening your desire

You want to administer your threat
Join me at this alter
I open my eyes and the blood stained pillars
Washed white with my power

God given and Crucial is my walk
His divine plan.. becomes my life
My blood too pure for even
A gods emblazoned knife

So turn you will not
But gaze from afar
To crave this purity
like death to the pain
Set your eyes on this pale scar
watch it wash away in the rain

You have no power here.

How was I to know?

Cornered into a window
Backed into a hole
MInd like a siren
Heart of a fool

Hand to me the glimpse of you
Walk with me and make it through

Miles with no end
Inside out again

Take with me the All I am
Watch me wrap around you
PLace on me a silver band
of ink that we once drew

Hand to me a glimpse of me
Help me listen
Help me breath

Moments with no end
Im upside down again

I want to come undone
Its so beautiful being the Fallen one
Let me make you bleed
Oh how you aim to please

Pull my hair.. make me scream
You want to watch
Where you want to be
Carry myself into your dirty dream

Hate me hurt me
You dont want me to love
You want me to beg you to love me
You dont want to love me
You crave your obsession
You want to master the free

So now you want me to lay
to cry with every word you say
You want me to falter
My heart to return
But i was untied
You told me i lied
How was i to know
what was left deep inside

Seconds left to cry
I wont let you die
Shouldnt you be going now
You want to see me rip from inside?
With your heart lying all twisted and broken
I will not retrieve the love I have spoken


To thrive in passion
To give you a glimpse of what can become
To set your heart on fire
To search for The one.

I have been where you are
I have hurt like you do
I have forgiven that man
That has done to me
What i have done to you

Now I understand
Full circle.. oh so clear
Wiped away the questions
Questioned what was left to fear

I did not know what was coming
Only where my heart said to go
So i followed without hesitation
How was I to know?

He did this..

“Let’s Be Us Again” by Lonestar

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I’d do anything to make it right
Let’s be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Let’s be us again

Here I stand, With everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you
Won’t you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let’s be us again

Look at me, I’m way past pride
Isn’t there some way that we can try
to be us again
Even if it takes awhile ill wait right here until I see that smile
That says we re us again

And here I stand with everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t ever wanna see the end
Baby please I m reaching out for you
wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

Baby, baby what would I can’t imagine life without you
Here I stand with everything to loose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you wont you
open up your heart and let me come back in
Here I am I m reaching out for you
so wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

Ohhh let’s be us again

He tripped.

How do you tell someone you can no longer love them
That a tiny place in their heart has been claimed
How do you make the pain go away when your soul is shining
How do you wipe away the tears when your left smiling at the end of the day
How do you walk away from something you have broken?
How do you right what you have done wrong?
When do ou accept there is nothing you can do..
That wrong has been done and worlds must fall.. in your aftermath?
Oh god... it is full circle.. I see it more than ever now..
My first love..
Him..
He did this to me
Oh god
Now i have done it to another..
and i now forgive him
Now.. i see why..

I walked away from my heart and left it at his doorstep
Hoping one day he would walk out and not step over it,
but trip and fall on his face..
He finally tripped...

In an instant..He threw away all of his pride
Said the words I almost died to hear..
and I fell apart..
Let the world disappear as i knew it would
and ran into his arms..

I am sorry world.. for loving someone I cannot live without.

I am Complete.