There is nothing left of you...

December 11th 2005

There is nothing left of you…

I hear you
Calling out for me tonight
I am so interrupted
Don’t know which way I am going
Can’t remember where I have been
I am just running
Staring at the light in the distance
Let me go…
Don’t make this harder on us both
You killed me
You ripped my soul from my skin and pretended to be true
Go... there is no place for you here
You bled my heart and thrived from its essence
You walked with your head held high
My body lying shaken on the ground in your shadow
You never looked back for a moment
You never thought… What Have I done?
Decisions were simple when you were the one in control
Life was beautiful when things went your way
And your way was the only way
My words were held like water in your paper heart
My love for you was a pretty little granule of sand sitting in your palm
Easily thrown down to the ground and forgotten
Once I was your goddess, you my precious love
I am not fallen anymore love
You have no power here
God did Not take me that fateful night as I begged for his mercy
He left me, silent he remained
He did not comfort and shield me from the agony of being dead inside
He did not give me my dying breath as I wished
No words of comfort rang true to me
Nothing was left in my world without you
He let me hurt, he let me cry
He let me dance with the devil in the light of the moon
He left the memory of you deep within me love
And Now…
Now I know why
You are the curse breathed of the foulest kind
You are death within life
Within YOU is nothing without another lifting you high
Within you is an emptiness suited for the darkest of Gods creatures
You know not heaven or hell, only what is before you
YOU are broken with no where to turn
I see it in your eyes and like an angel of mercy I tried to take you away from your pain
You will never be the crescent moon in my silent night
What an angry soul you hold inside
What a tangled web you weave, and I am no longer entangled in it with you
I am without you
And my name will ring that light of happiness you once knew
You will be the one left in the darkness of this world
You will be the one left with less than a spark of hope
Every night you will look upon yourself and wonder where you went wrong
Every night you will fall asleep praying to not be awakened
God will not answer your prayers
Just as he did not answer mine that night
He has His plan, and he doesn’t play by your rules
You will suffer through what you have created
No second chances, there is only one chance in this lifetime
Either you take it or you don’t
I have been chosen, one of the precious few
Everything is going according to plan
God did not forsake me, he embraced me
You were lead blindly out of my life
You, confused and swearing you will always love me,
Me, fighting to keep you in my arms
But see it’s not your fault…
You know not what you do
You know not what you ran into, when You ran into me
You were to never receive what I am
Only to taste what an angel is
A fallen angel with a lonely human soul
I was not allowed to love until my eyes were truly opened to my path
But I did. I gave you the purest love and I recall your words
“I can’t believe someone loves me this much”
If you were the one, you’d have known
We are ALL loved THAT much
Jesus loves each and every one of us THAT much
If you were the one, you’d have believed
And now, many moons after you, I have risen again
Risen, holding the hand of god
Risen, standing in his magnificent light
Risen, walking a well lit path of love and truth
God has sent me one of my own kind
The one he has prepared me for my whole life
He has sent me one of his most beautiful angels to walk by my side
One who has fought to remove the ashes left by YOU
One who has been so patient with my tears
One who has been blessed by your absence
Your walking away and allowing me to grow
Saving me from years of continuing in the wrong direction
My angel was blessed by what you could not hold
He was blessed by what you could not understand
He was blessed by your ignorance
You will never be the one
There is nothing left of you

Tell me...

Look at me. Tell me can you see what is killing me?
Can you see the thoughts I fight every day and night?
Can you tell me what I do that has been wrong is suddenly right?
When I dream, is it you standing there waiting for me?
Where do you see us in the end?
How happy will we be?
Will there be anything left to smile about?
What will be left to make us laugh?
Do emotions really run dry? Is it inevitable?
Are they here now, and trickle out until there is nothing left?
Look at me, here I go again.
So lost.
I can’t see any further than what I am now
I can’t help but doubt what I will become
I can’t help but fight falling
The thought of being complete is killing me
The thought of the search being over is not what I had in mind
But here it is, before me, and I tremble and twist every emotion until it doesn’t feel so nice
I’m hiding.
I like it when you can’t find me
I like knowing your thinking about me
It’s me.
Will I change?
Do people Ever change?
I never thought that I could love someone so much that I hate it.
What IF love isn’t enough?
What if Love is the only reason we are... what we are?
Am I missing something? Is there something I’m not able to perceive?
IS love enough?
Is that all we need to write happily ever after?
Why am I so afraid to know?
Why does it seem I am looking for more questions?
Why can’t I just let it be simple?
Why can’t I just KNOW that in 23 years, we will be looking back to these times and laughing with one another… will we?
Will we learn to hate one another?
Will we be disappointed?
Will we regret our decision based on love?
Will we say to ourselves, where was the logical thinking.
Will we be old and bitter?
Will I wonder what happened to the way I used to gaze at you with the sparkle of life emanating from my soul?
Why do I push you away?
Tell me. Please.

Slipping from truth...

Searching my soul tonight
For a simple answer or ray of light
I cannot stand long enough to fight
Between what is wrong and what was right

Searching my heart within
There are so many places to begin
Its always cold its always dim
I just need to be with him

I am closing my eyes this time
He is much stronger than I am

There are so many miles between us
So many hours of time
So many faces and lives passing me by
So many worlds I will never be a part of

Why cant I breath his kiss?
Why cant I be in His world?
Why cant he be touching me?
Why is he pushing me away?

HE gave me life and is taking it away
He is tearing my soul, day by day
Where is my faith in what was meant to be?
Why am I not good enough for him to be here with me?

I wanted to be his only star
I wanted to be the only one his heart needs
I wanted to be the arms that he ran to
I wanted to be the soul that he takes to heaven with him
I wanted to be the one he would die for
I wanted to be the most important thing in his life
I wanted to be the only person that came between him and me.

Where do I go with this?
When my thoughts are too much to share with him
When my tears are falling For him
When I have sacrificed myself for what he needs

I know time will heal these wounds
I know I have given him a love I did not know I had
I know he was the one meant for me
I know this, but are we only meant to know love for one another
And never get to experience the full means of what could be?

Why do I feel like I should let him be free
Why do I feel that I should make a decision that may kill us both
Why do I feel he would be better off without me in his life
Why do I feel I should have stopped this before it began
I feel like I am so deeply in love with him it may be unhealthy
I cant talk to him without feeling deprived
I can’t stop these thoughts that I Hate to think
These thoughts are so far from the truth and yet I Feel them
My feelings are not coinciding with reality
Have I lost reality altogether?

He has stopped confessing his love to me as we have spent many nights
He no longer gets excited to hear from me
He no longer wonders why I haven’t called yet
I am an emotional burden
And when I express my needs, he feels like he is inadequate
And when I hold them inside I feel neglected

I know that distance kills our relationship
And we have gotten to the point where we should be ready to live in each others lives
Yet we are not, we are stuck in this dull slump of nothing but empty, lonely time
I know how I feel and I know he doesn’t feel the same way
Which brings me to question if he has rethought every word he has ever said
Has he reconsidered what he wanted to be to me
Has he realized how difficult things truly are… in the real life?

I need to leave him alone.
It isn’t until you are without that you truly realize what you had.
I know I will miss him more than I will miss being alive after death
I know he is what I live for and the pain of missing him will keep me alive
I feel like a horrible ugly sin in his life
I feel like he feels guilty for loving me
Why is it so wrong to love someone?
What is so wrong with love?