Turn Off The Light

There is a road I have been forced to travel.. Waking in to this earth.. eyes wide open, knowing, understanding, feeling the presence of a great un-wholeness from a very young age. I have only been certain of one thing in all of my living days, Something is missing. I have travelled through this life with a Hopefulness.. at times led by only a single candle light, or a fraction of light in the distance through this blinding darkness here on earth.. and here in this moment I am finding myself subdued by the thousands of stitches being woven through my wounds.. sewn by threads of the hopeless. Many have claimed to know my soul from lifetimes passed.. swirling around me, dancing in the glory of finding me once again.. and I revel, like a small child in a room full of bubbles, taking in every fragile entity floating around me, eyes full of light and life in amusement, finding so much happiness in the magic of the moment.. but I see it all so clearly.. each bubble I reach for.. popping, dissipating.. as if it never existed.. and in that moment I am confused.. I just want to touch the magic, I want to hold it, look at it closer, I want to be a part of it. So I reach for the next, then the next, and another.. each time.. Gone.. I imagine myself one day just closing my eyes and accepting that they will disappear. Accepting that I will never be able to Capture that magic but only live within it. I imagine that one day, I will close my eyes and spin in circles, feeling the many bubbles rain upon my body and not find sadness with each one gone. but happiness in wonder in the many more to come. Perhaps, it is my curse.. to watch these lives pass through me like vaper.. Altering me, taking little pieces of me with them in each goodbye.. never allowing my heart to settle or find home within their own journey. Like a vampire, embraced with eternal life, forced to watch the many souls of lives passed and lives to come.. Disappear. Never capable of existing without this ache, this pain, this loneliness, this un-wholeness.. Only condemned to an eternity of Never.. being.. Completed.

But, I am not a vampire, I am not condemned. Not in God's eyes. I am here now, in this life.. doing his deeds, walking next to his light on a rocky path, giving myself fully to those souls in need of comfort, waging wars for the greater good, loving openly, and taking each moment and embracing all of the beauty it has to offer.. all the while still Suffering in the process.

Jesus walked a similar path, in life and in his final days on this earth. I will never be as pure, as righteous, as beautiful, as spectacular of a being.. but I have redirected myself many times here on earth to walk as close to his path as I can in my own ways. Because of him, I know forgiveness. I know not only that I am forgiven, but I also know the power and the weightlessness of being able to forgive.

This man travelled to his own place of crucification, all the while being forced to carry the very wooden cross that would be his final earthly resting place...  judged, abandoned, betrayed, tortured, beaten, spat on, shamed by those who did not understand him, those who were lost in the dark and unable to see the light.. Those who did not Deserve him.. and yet he delivered Nothing but Forgiveness in the wake of their actions..

But this is not about judgement. This is not about anger or forgiveness. This is not about others coming in to my life and purposefully hurting me.. No.. this is about something far more beautiful, and so much more spiritual that I am overwhelmed with this life and the surrounding human beings that have crossed my path.. Take that in for a moment.. Crossed my path.. Crossed it.

X

My path is singular.. I walk alone.. and those who find me.. those "soul mates", those Lovers, those friends, Those who have felt they have known me their whole lives, or in a previous life.. Those filled with the spark, the excitement, the soul recognition when we very first find one another.. they have all "Crossed" my path. In a single timeless breath.. they are gone..

I am able to embrace these moments, I have no choice but to accept each one for what is in the moment.. to not spend too much time wondering where it came from, or worrying about how long I will get to keep it. I have learned that most humans do not understand why they do what they do. They do not understand why they Feel what they feel. They are unaware that our souls and the human condition are contradicting.. that turmoil unfolds from the battle of your souls calling and your human desires. That Ideals, society, beliefs, thought processes, have all become so sensitive and altered throughout this very life that we are living right now... they are struggling to place value on their soul's Greater value. They have drowned out the sounds of the "signs" given from the universe. They ask for answers.. and forget to Listen. And if in the moment they are capable of stopping to wonder.. What just happened? How is this happening? They are, we All are, unable to Understand the greater purpose, God's plan.. because that is not for us to know in this life.
We are intended to Choose submission by free will...

"Give yourself to God"

"Trust the universe"

But the human condition craves reward.. simple.. biological.. chemical.. tangible reward.
To See cause and effect.. to set a goal and achieve it. to TURN ON THE LIGHT so we can SEE where we are walking.. so we don't step on anything, so we don't walk in to a wall, so we do not get Lost on the path that WE are creating for ourselves based on.. well the aforementioned Human condition-- our ideals, our beliefs, societal expectations, our dreams, our Nature, our Nurture.. We are creating a path based on the history of what we know, what we have learned, what we Understand.

But, that is not our True path, that is not our Intended path..

That is a path that we must stumble upon on our own. 

To walk with faith, with trust, with One guide..

We were placed here on this earth, set down gently by God's hands.. and gently nudged forward as he ascended back into the heavens to watch from above.. always present, always watching, always pridefully watching over his children's first steps, moments of wonder, achievements, failures, first kisses, first heart breaks.. our first tears brought by another human. He watches our hearts grow warm, he watches them grow cold, he watches us play with fire and he knows we will learn on our own..
He has FAITH in his children.. and he allows us to be and become what we choose..
He loves us "No matter what" as a Father always does...
Because he already knows, that no matter how this life unfolds for each of us..
We will Always Return back home to him.. Always..

Turn Off the Light..

And follow your Soul..

back Home.



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I'm sorry, but I have to stop right here...
Is that Emptiness I have felt my whole entire life.. that Something missing, that Never feeling Home.. That insatiable desire to be COMPLETE..
Is that my Soul calling me Back.. to my creator's Arms??????

-Catherine Rachael Dodson