Tuesday Morning

"For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear” (Mark 4: 22-23).

There is a story I feel I need to tell and even now, I feel there are no real words to describe what I need to say.  I am not sure what I should say or what I shouldn’t say, but in saying nothing I find myself suffering in a world of silence alone.

 On Tuesday morning, I made my journey into work (instead of calling to find out if they had anything for me to do).. and even though I had woken up extra early, bundled up Damien for that freezing morning, and drove 20 minutes to work.. They had nothing for me to do.. and I smiled through their apology and was actually relieved and already imagining my nice warm bed again as I walked out of the door..

I walked out to my car, buckled my still sleeping son into his car seat, and proceeded to get into the car.. Before I could even put my key in the ignition and turn on the car.. the man standing directly in front of my car grabbed his stuff off of his trunk, took 2 steps into the road we were parked along and was instantly hit by a speeding car from out of nowhere… I saw him fly through the air and land 10-15 feet away.. I couldn’t believe what was happening.. I STILL cannot believe this happened.. but despite my belief.. I blinked and instantly bolted out of my car screaming for someone to dial 911 as I ran towards the man laying on the road.. The driver of the car stopped and got out and stood there in shock. I got down to my knees asking this man if he could hear me, my own voice is still echoing in my head “Sir, can you hear me, Sir, can you hear me?” within seconds of no response, no movement, I had my phone in my hand dialing 911, I continued to talk to him and was trying to check his pulse. It was 5 degrees out, my hands couldn’t feel anything.. The first person to run up to me I told to run inside and call 911 Again from a Land line. I was told once that cell towers can pick up emergency calls from different locations.. So I wanted to be sure the closest dispatch was reached.

Within probably 2 minutes, which seemed like eternity.. people came in to help us.... I finally heard his name, Chuck. Now I knew what to call him. I ran to my car and grabbed my cpr face shield.. and as I walked back up to him, getting ready to perform cpr.. I was finally able to see the true damage in the situation.. and with God guiding me.. I knew, I could not save this man.. No One on this Earth.. could save this man… and I slowly put my cpr mask back into my pocket.. reached down and took his hand and said “Chuck, help is coming, the ambulance is on its way, you have a lot of people here with you right now, taking care of you.. We are going to take care of you”. I clearly remember when my mind realized, This is not a lifesaving situation Katie.. It is time to help him. Comfort him, keep talking to him, he hears you. So that is what I did..

I watched him take his last breaths in this world… 3 breaths I will never forget…

 …and I’m left in this place of trying to put together all the pieces, trying to make sense of something so tragic, so upset at how powerless I was..   upset at how abruptly I was reminded of how fragile life and our bodies are.. confused, helpless, alone, in shock, paranoid.. Lost.. in the nightmare of seeing and hearing it over and over again.. I am every disgusting feeling I could ever imagine being..

But also, I am thankful..

Thankful it Was me.. that I know that my place in God’s plan will not always be pleasant, not always be comfortable. My place will sometimes be painful, leave me in tears, give me nightmares, stir my soul in ways that I would not wish on another person..

Thankful God chose this task for me.. sent me off to a place I was not supposed to be.. but I REALLY was supposed to be..

Thankful that through these past few days, when I found it hard to see the light, God continues to send his love, prayers, kindness, words, hands and shoulders to comfort me after this “task” through his people here, walking beside me on earth.. I have seen them reach for me while I was left on what I felt was the darkest, longest, coldest road.. walking in silence… Not knowing where to turn, how to ask for help, What to say.. So afraid to speak and talk about what happened… and I know I am protected, cared for and loved because although I could not ask for help.. It was SENT to me.. lifting me.. calming me..

I am thankful that in the wake of such a horrible event..  I was able to bring a very important message to the grieving mother and the 4 surviving siblings of Chuck.. as fearful as I was to walk into a wake.. knowing no one, but knowing I HAD to speak with his family.. I pulled myself together and took myself to his side once again..

I introduced myself to his mother, “Hello, I am Katie, I was with your son the whole time. It happened right in front of me, I saw it happen and I ran to his side. I just wanted to let you know that He was not alone.. I held his hand and talked to him.. He did not suffer”

She grabbed me and held me tight as we cried together.. She was thanking me over and over through her tears.. for bringing her this comfort, this message.. for being his Angel… and as each one of his siblings took me into their arms and cried with me and thanked me… I felt the pain of crying alone for days lifted.. and I was finally where I belonged.

Nothing anyone could have done would have saved Chuck… but sometimes it is not about saving a life.. sometimes it is about comforting them as they let go..

And sometimes it is not about the person who has moved on… but it is about the people they have left behind..

So, if you have noticed I have not been myself lately, you are right, I’m not the person I was when I woke up Tuesday morning..  

If you think Finals week is what has me “Walking through a nightmare” Close, but no.. I wish that were the only thing consuming my mind right now.. I’m struggling to get through these exams in ways no person should and yes, I am afraid my inability to think clearly may be detrimental to me making it through.

If I haven’t answered your call or your text, I am listening, I am just having a hard time wanting to be social, and honestly, I knew the only thing that was on my mind, and I didn’t want to talk about it.

I don’t know what to do.. I want this feeling out of me L