Let me not falter.

Even if the sun must set.. If this day shall not last.. If your touch will not return and this moment will be left a memory.. If your lips never return to meet mine with a kiss... If this be the last time you say hello.. Let me not falter.

Cursive no More..

So most people may or may not be shocked that the art of cursive will no longer be taught in school. This bothered me.. This bothered me quite a bit that I lay in bed at night thinking,

How will this affect our future? How is this beneficial? Who will it hurt?

and ULTIMATELY.. WHO will it benefit??

 

Although I can see that time in the class room Could be more wisely spent on things other than the ancient art of penmanship.. Typing has become the way of America.. the way of the Future.

 

This concerns me.. and I don't feel like typing these concerns all night, but how long will it be before we no longer teach our children how to SPELL, because computers will spell it for us? But here is my main concern.. Back to the question WHO will this benefit?? I think I can say it simply with one picture..

 

 

WHO WILL BE ABLE TO READ THIS IN 80 YEARS??

 

WHO WILL BENEFIT IF AMERICANS CANNOT READ THIS??

 

IF EVERYTHING IS LEFT TO TRANSLATION BY THOSE "SPECIALLY" TRAINED TO READ CURSIVE.. HOW EASILY CAN THE TRUTH BE CHANGED??

 

NO MORE CURSIVE?

 

WHO MADE THAT DECISION ANYWAY??

 

Thoughts?

 

-Catherine Dodson

Atkins, Antidepressants, and Induction= No weight loss

Well, as most of you know, I have a pretty extensive history with Low Carb/ Atkins being fairly effective and Easy for me to lose weight on. Recently I decided to re-dedicate myself to the Induction phase of Atkins starting January 1st following an emotionally, mentally, draining situation (november & december) that occured causing me to not only fall off the wagon so to speak, but attempt to become the Size of the wagon as well.

I started taking Zoloft 100 mg every other day in June 2012. In November due to some overwhelming emotions and mental instability, I was then put on Zoloft 100 mg once a day and Klonopin (anti anxiety med) 1mg twice a day. In december, my doctor added a mood stabilizer Buspar..
Ok enough with those details heh..

So back to January 1st.. woohooo, I am so excited, I am SO ready to get back on track and undo the 12 pound gain that crept up on me in my ignorance since October.. but I wasn't going to look back into 2012 or my mistakes... This was a NEW YEAR, a NEW Attitude!! I dusted off the Ol' Low Carb Support Group I started on Facebook and started putting the word out that it existed for anyone who wanted to be a part of it.. Over days, I watched the group Grow and flourish.. over 100 new members. All struggling. encouraging, living, eating and learning by my side.. I have a GREAT Low carb support group.. because of this group I am not only active in my OWN weight loss mission, but I am kept on task as I make sure to help/advise my peers along the way. I'm drinking more water, adding back some exercise I had been skimping on, not cheating at all.. I am on a perfect road to weight loss!!

So, January 12th, I folded and decided I was going to take a peek at the scale.. I have done this before... Induction is a beautiful encouraging time of shedding that excess water weight in week one and starting the down hill trend it weight loss.. I just KNEW that holding back from the scale for those 12 days was really going to pay off Big time... WRONG!!!

I think time stood still as I stared at the SAME number I was looking at in December... NO Loss, No Gain.. just 12 days gone and nothing to show for it except the tears and confusion left on my face. This isn't possible. I did everything right. Hell, I am a veteran at this lifestyle. I know my body, I know the rules, I have learned over the past 9+ years what works, what doesn't, what is controversial or debatable.. I know all the ins and outs.. or so I thought.

There is one little thing I never knew.. because it never pertained to me or my lifestyle before now..

"What medications interfere with or need adjustment during Atkins?"
ANSWER: Virtually all medications interfere. The most incompatible medications are:

1. Diuretics (water pills)
2. Psychotropic drugs, including prozac, -->zoloft<-- , lithium, etc.

Whoa.. Wait.. WHAT????

Yeah, after hours and hours of reading hosts of forums, faqs, complaints, experiences of others.. finally it is all making sense.. but at what cost? Am I ready to ween off this antidepressant RIGHT before Nursing school starts, before I embark towards one of the biggest Accomplishments of my life.. am I willing to take that chance and use mind over matter, even though all along I have always felt this depression inside of me was chemical (meaning I can't just tell myself to feel better.. My chemicals won't let me)??

Well, the strong willed person that I am says YES, Start weening, You want to lose weight, and losing weight makes you feel good about yourself, gaining weight sends you spinning into an emotional tornado. Losing weight and "Controlling" it gives you One thing you have control over... afterall, don't we all like to know we are in control?

So, I started weening off of the zoloft, immediately started every other day for the first week, then I weighed in thinking Surely one week at half a dose should show Something...Wrong again.. I did not lose even One pound.. HOW THE HELL could this be happening to me???

Back to Google, *How does Zoloft affect your metabolism* *Why does Zoloft make you gain weight?* *How long does it take to lose weight after Zoloft* *How long does it take to get Zoloft out of your system* *What are the side effects of quitting zoloft cold turkey....*
Yes... I went there.. I want this stuff OUT OF ME!!!!! It can't kill me right? I am sick of trying SO HARD to lose weight, the only way I know how (Atkins) and seeing NO results at all! Every day I stay away from the scale I tell myself surely I must be losing weight because this is how I lost it before.. and the longer I stay off the scale, the bigger weight loss I am going to see!

 I stepped on it this morning after No ZOLOFT for 4 days.. Induction level foods for 22 days... I gained 8 oz......................................

Really??

So, needless to say, I am a wreck right now emotionally and mentally because I decided I wanted Zoloft out of me ASAP, which has its adverse withdrawal effects, but I don't care, I will suffer through them and deal with it as it comes.. I am still taking my 1 mg of Klonopin for my anxiety each morning and my mood stabilizer... From what I have read, it may take over a month for my body to return to normal after quitting. I may not see any results from atkins for Another month??? Seriously?? And that is IF I am lucky, because I also quit smoking in June and I hear that lowers your metabolism by 10% (when you quit) So this whole experience is like a double whammy to me..

I am going to be the troubleshooter that I am and Stay ON the mood stabilizer and anti anxiety pills and IN Induction for now and wait about another month to see if I start Losing weight.. If I don't, I will most likely start talking to my doctor about a different medication for the anxiety.. as of yet, I have not found anything online about the Klonopin or Buspar stalling or preventing weight loss on Low Carb/Atkins.. But God forbid I don't start losing weight.

I can't wait till these withdrawal effects are done and over with, I feel horrible emotionally.. HORRIBLE!!! *sigh* I will just hang in there and see how I turn out in a month.. if I STILL can't kick the depression, I will speak with my doctor about other options that DO NOT mess with my weight...

Disclaimer: I know EVERYONE reacts differently to different medications, I lost 40 lbs successfully on lexapro quite a few years ago, while following low carb. I Also know some of you may be losing just fine on atkins AND Zoloft.. but I am not you. Also, I feel obligated to say this, When weening off of any medication, you should always work with your doctor in doing so. (just an FYI and admission to my Not following the rules)

UPDATE: ALSO.. please please please do NOT quit any medication, including ZOLOFT, cold turkey!! It was a horrible, ugly experience, emotionally mentally and physically.. I was literally in pain from the withdrawal effects.. I DID end up going back on Zoloft the day after this initial Blog, and ween myself properly. Do yourself and your family a favor and do NOT go COLD turkey!!

Ahhhh Atkins Induction..

A lot of us here are in our first or second week of induction, for some of us it is our first time, for others, we may have re-dedicated ourselves recently..  I think it is time to take a minute to understand what induction does for our bodies and how it works.

I have noticed a few posts about weighing in and having higher expectations, I am the queen of stepping off my scale feeling downhearted and defeated..

But what I am seeing here is I only lost X What can I do more? Why aren’t I losing faster? I lost x amount last week but only x this week.. am I doing something wrong?? I had a friend who lost 13 lbs in the first 2 weeks, why have I only lost 8?

Nothing. Everyone is different. No. and *shrug* lol just kidding, again, everyone is different.

The first week or so of induction you are mainly losing water weight..5-13 lbs I have seen… then you should see a decrease in the amount of weight you are losing weekly

 

Where Do the Drastic Weight Losses On Induction Mainly Come From?

 

The drastic weight losses seen on Induction come from glycogen and the water attached to that glycogen – the body’s form of carbohydrates stored in the liver (to keep blood glucose levels steady) and muscles (for quick energy purposes). That’s why we tend to lose a lot of weight the first week or two.

 

Some of those losses are body fat, but not much. Most of it comes from water as the body empties out about half of its fuel reserves. Those initial losses are not about metabolic resistance. They set the body up to switch metabolic pathways where we predominantly burn fats for fuel instead of glucose. With predominantly being the key word here.

 

Goals of Induction:

1) To induce “Ketosis,” a situation where fat metabolites show up in the urine and can be detected with Ketostix. Atkins likes ketosis as a sign that people are using fat for energy; however, people are going to have varying reactions to the Ketostix. When people are in a state of ketosis, their appetite tends to diminish. They also may have changes in their breath, as extra ketones are expelled from the lungs as well as the urine.

2) To stabilize blood sugar and the symptoms that may come from erratic blood sugar, such as fatigue, mood swings and “brain fog.” Reduction in food cravings is also often experienced.

3) Rapid weight loss. People tend to get a boost when they see the numbers on the scale drop rapidly.

 

 

 

 

 

Now take a look at this groups Induction losses..Look familiar?

http://www.atkinsdietbulletinboard.com/forums/main-atkins-diet-forum/63850-induction-weight-loss.html

 

Also an Article “Week 2 of Induction STILL not Losing weight”

If the fat is not coming off, the scale is not your friend, and your clothes are still too snug.... don't despair! First, double check your measurements. Some people lose inches without losing pounds. (This can happen in any phase of Atkins). If that's not the case, it just means you're amoung the small percentage of people whose bodies are somewhat resistant to shedding pounds, a condition commonly referred to as metabolic resistance. Like life, it's not fair, but we can help you overcome most of the reasons for this annoying tendancy.

Resistance to weight loss can occure for a number of reasons. Some can be influenced by changes in behavior or lifestyle. For example, if you are eating too much, you can learn to moderate your portions. If you are sedentary, you can find an exercise regimen that you enjoy and that suits your lifestyle. Individuals with very high insulin levels are likely to be slow starters meaning that they may lose very little weight (or none) until they have controlled carbs for a longer period of time than people with more normal insulin levels.

You may lose slowly in the week before your menstrual period. Cravings may also be aggravated during this time. Just be patient. Weight loss is likely to speed up once you have finished your menses.

Solving other problems, such as an underlying thyroid or use of medications that either make you gain weight or slow weight loss are more complex, but in concert with your doctor, you can seek solutions.

Then there are things that you simply cannot do anything about : Genetics and age are obviously beyond your control. So is hormonal status - menopause and perimenopause typically slow a woman's metabolism- or a sluggish thyroid. In such cases, you need to readjust your expectations. You may never get down to the weight you were as a younger person, OR it may take you longer than you originally hoped.

Another common reason for your body to resist weight loss is a history of going on and off diets, known as yo-yo dieting. When you get into a pattern of repeatedly losing and gaining weight, your body becomes adept at protecting it's fat stores by slowing down your metabolism.

~~~~~~
additionally the book discusses medications can interfere with weight loss. Common culprits are :
Antidepressants
Estrogen
drugs for high blood pressure
Remember: Check with your doctor before changing or stopping any medications. Talk to your doctor about alternatives.

~~~~~
So, if you are facing less than steady weight loss at this point, it just means that your body is a bit slower to release it's fat stores and your weight loss will likely be more gradual. If you are a slow loser, you may also experience frustrating stalls, when the pounds simply refuse to budge at all.

Be patient! Don't let it get you down, and by all means, don't give up!

(http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/atkins-induction/411311-induction-week-2-still-not-losing.html)

...untitled

You said you need me closest
As your words push me away
How can I promise you tomorrow
While you are burning our yesterdays?

Being broken..

Lately I have been searching through a different level of life.. While still trying to maintain my fast paced Momstyle.. I am also amidst one of the most uncomfortable situations in life.. A loved one dying of a terminal illness.
I would say The hardest part for me is taking the role of the strong one... the one who doesn't over react, the one who minimizes emotional reactions, the one reminding those neglecting themselves that they too need to take time for themselves.. And worst of all, through it all I hide and fight my own demons about death. I quietly share my idea if the spirit and shell of bodies we use for earth.. But also I am constantly being careful bit to say the wrong things at the wrong time which sometimes seems like an impossible task.

My thoughts of the day

http://instagr.am/p/SvNjE0jFCj/

by yours truly

First Day of Nursing School!

First day of Nursing school at Joliet Junior College's NEW state of the art facility.. I am actually honored to be a part of the very first group going into this new facility! I am feeling very optimistic now. I was just riddled with anxiety, fear, and/or excitement, but then in a conversation with my dad yesterday it came out of my mouth and was like an epiphany as it happened "I just find everyt...hing about the human body and the processes and the Mixture of Art, humanities and science that is Nursing So interesting. I cannot imagine a day of class that would ever be boring or make me fall asleep! I just feel so thirsty for this knowledge!"

And that is when I realized.. This is what I am meant to be.. I am Going to succeed because it is my destiny!!

 

It was a relief that the two professors I have had so far seem amazing... it truly felt like they Care that you excel, it really is a reflection on their teaching if those if us that made it into the program through the strainer don't pass.. So they Want to see us succeed, another cool thing, they are all just passionate about nursing and it shows in the way they talk to us and direct and guide us...

 

Nurses are just a special kind of person, you know what I mean, they need a heart and compassion on top of professionalism to do what they do, and these ladies have years of experience behind them in The field and they still love it.. It just really shows and they in no way treat us like a number, we are a reflection of their abilities, like their children.. I like that!!

 

I am very excited about what each day holds for me along this path!!

Missing you..

The last thing I can still hear in my head with your voice is you saying "who loves ya"? these are the first words you said to me after you found out the cancer was back and the fight was out of the doctors hands... YOU were comforting me, when I was speechless.. Through Your pain, you stopped to comfort ME.. I can see why God called you home.... But I wish there were a way to heal all these broken hearts you left behind.. we are all forever changed.. Now what we do with that change is completely in our hands.. Love you too Jim.

Goodbye :/

Obituary for Jim Mead

..and now you walk beside angels

...and now you walk beside angels.

 Taken too soon from this earth but living forever in our hearts.. Thank you for every story you told, even when I had heard it many times before, thank you for being such a happy soul that everyone loved to be around, thank you for giving us this whole year of learning how a family pulls together in times of darkness, a whole year of learning to not take any moments of life for granted, thank you for loving me as a daughter and trusting me.. Last night when I left your bedside, I told you I will see you again..

Until then Jim, God needed you to come home.. Don't worry, we will meet you there..
I love you forever and always
-Katie

Almost Goodbye

This season I find it hard to celebrate The birth of Jesus when we are being forced to let go of someone that has been so precious to The world. God I know that you know what you are doing. I know that you knew our fate before we were even created, and I know that I may never rid myself of this bitter taste left by the unfortunate fate given to this man.

I have watched so many tears fall this past year, so many good people crumble before my eyes, all because of the pain we have all endured together watching helplessly as Jim battled cancer..and as much as we each wished we could take away his pain, we were only left standing with our hands tied and our heads hanging low.. This has been a cruel year, one with false hopes of recovery after a double surgery that was so painful that after that day to now he has not spent a day without pain, followed by a devastating aggressive return claiming that we had only one year left to be a part of what was left of jim's life, and then, as if one year wasn't leaving us all feeling robbed, the cancer had spread from your lungs into your brain, more rapidly then expected and within Weeks you were unable to stand or walk, we have been by you're bedside day and night watching one ability after another being stolen from you..

And helpless we remain as now you no longer wake up, no longer squeeze our hand, no longer speak, and we watch you struggling to breath.. It scares me to see how quickly someone can be taken away from us.. It scares me even more that cancer does not favor good or bad, black or white, male or female.. It is a cruel disease that takes who it wants at will...

I pray that when you pass you will find your place in gods kingdom. I pray that you walk beside Jesus and are finally free of all the pain this life has caused you.. I pray that you can finally rest and not worry about The family you created and are leaving behind.. Because once you cross through heavens gates, you will not worry for us here on earth for we will join you one day.. we will all walk again with you some day.

I love you, and for as long as you are here with us on earth, I will watch over you.. Because I know when you are finally in heaven, you will once again take your place in watching over all of us..

Broken Hour Glass

So we thought being given a year left with you was devestating enough, it has only been a couple months and already you are no longer the same person you were a year ago.. Last december is when we found out that you were sick. The day before we found out may have been the last day that we didn't worry day in and day out about you.. but today... Today, they took away the year we were given and the hour glass was cracked. In just the past few weeks, you have lost your ability to stand and walk. You have become a person and a personality I no longer recognize. You spend most of your time planning out your next cigarette or beer or pain medication.. and the other part of your time sleeping or staring off into nowhere. They had a party for you last weekend, they called it a celebration of your life, a reunion.. they called it evrything then what it really was, a goodbye party.
I have never been to such a thing, but I was there, behind the scenes, trying to do as much as I could helping strangers I have never met before feel comfortable and welcome, guess that is what I am good at. I bought you a journal and I spent a lot of my night chasing people down asking them to leave you a private written message for you to read. I made sure your children signed and wrote in it first.. and I was near last before I finally wrote the things that I wanted to say. I don't even know if you know I was the one who put together this journal, I have seen it sitting in 2 positions in your livingroom, so I am assuming you have been reading it. I wonder what everyone else said. I hope what I said wasnt too much, or not enough.
Back to my point, today we found out that the cancer has spread to your brain.. It has only been heresay to me, but  I am thinking I heard that you could live a few more weeks or a few more months, but you are still deciding whether or not you would like to have radiation therapy done to your brain tumors. I heard one dr tell you that it would help restore your ability to walk, and another dr tell you that once those abilities are lost, they are hard to get them back, I am not sure what to believe or trust in, but the truth is, radiation will not cure you, only help relieve the syptoms that the tumor and swelling of your brain is causing the rest of your body. I read that some of the symptoms of the cancer spreading to your brain can be personality changes, loss of judgement, loss of speech, and memory loss... who will you be then? It is just crazy to think that we will possibly not even know you anymore and vice versa. That this personality change could be good or bad, but either way, it will be the new you until the end.

Aries Taurus Cusp

A few years ago I found out that I was born on a cusp, which solidified my disdain for being associated with some of the qualities or traits of a Taurus. I just did't feel it fit me in so many ways.. the worst part was always *enjoys the finer things in life* Truly that is not me, I enjoy the simple things in life... ir *materialistic* Yes this too bothered me, because I am quite the opposite...lucky for me, I have been given a new set of astrological traits that I amazingly have found to be agreeable to a better extent than ever before.

April 19 to April 24
Individuals born on the Aries-Taurus cusp have a dominant personality… you always know when they are in the room. They can make quite an impression on those around them. Their forceful personalities make them good leaders when they choose to be. They are also commonly found climbing the corporate ladder, becoming well known freelancers or running any situation, whether it is at home or in business.
Aries-Taurus does not like to submit to the authority of others. They must beware of being overwhelmed by their own ambition. They are conflicted between their Aries and Taurus counterparts. Aries wishes them to be impulsive, energetic and intuitive, while Taurus is practical, sensuous and well-grounded. This may cause conflicts between practicality and dreams. In some cases, Aries-Taurus Cusp works well, with Taurus tempering the fiery boldness of Aries to a strong, determined realism. They may, at times, show a lack of emotional sensitivity that may be alarming to some.
Aries-Taurus must fight their immovable nature with their forceful nature. It may take a long time for them to reach a balance that works well for them. They will need to learn to support their wish for stability with their aggressive side.
Aries-Taurus is good at strategizing; allowing them to overcome what may seem like overwhelming odds. If they follow their instinct, they will know precisely when the right time is to act. Taurus helps Aries to plan each detail in preparation for their goal, so they almost always succeed.

Aries-Taurus should learn to sit back and watch sometimes so they don't overwhelm others. It is difficult for them to sit back and watch others do tasks when they know they can do it better. If they can keep the feelings of others in mind, they will fare well.
They enjoy challenges of all kinds, whether it is in business, sports or intellectual areas. They play as hard as they work. They are known to be flirtatious, bold, opinionated, strong, quiet, talented, sensitive, humorous, money-oriented, eloquent, dependable, practical, patient, aggressive, helpful, aloof, stubborn, jealous, moody, fickle, over-sensitive, quarrelsome and changeable. Quite a handful, aren't they?
The Aries-Taurus Cusp is also known as the Cusp of Power. You can probably see why when they have so much going for them. They have the amazing ability to get into a project and really run with it all the way to its conclusion.
They enjoy doing things for their family and friends, but it is easy to let this get out of hand. They prefer to follow their own instincts rather than follow the rules. This can cause trouble if they are not cautious. They may think they know it all, but they'll get along better if they don't act like it. While plans that go awry make them really annoyed, when they use a practical bent to their tasks, it generally works out better.
Those born on the Aries-Taurus cusp may be mechanically inclined, with the ability to stick with the job long enough to figure out any problems that arise.

..

No matter what I do, I am always going to be the wrong one, the victim, the punching bag..
Being judged from the outside, by people who have no clue what I witness and struggle through each day.. and I am expected to show love and compassion while i'm being beaten down emotionally, spiritually, mentally?? I'm supposed to suppress my own emotion out of..respect?
When you start to loose faith in humanity.. Take a look around At the humans you surround yourself with...

Don't wake me...

Please don’t try to wake me

Just leave me here, leave me be

I always lose him when I open my eyes

Id rather be lost in this memory

My heart only beats through shallow breaths of sleep

Please don’t come searching within my soul

There is nothing to see, move along

Dare not to wonder what went wrong

Just turn off the light, walk away

Pretend you never saw me this way

Please don’t ask me to try to stand

You can show me nothing I have not seen

No place to take me I have not been

I’ve Already reached for a lovers hand

Dared to dance, already ran

My heart only beats through shallow breaths of sleep

Please don’t think you can change the way I feel

For once I had believed that true love was real

But now I rest on shattered ground

Run quickly from this wreckage found

Please don’t wonder why I have become a perfect waste

I could love you until I am full..

But I am no longer able to taste

So please, don’t try to wake me

As long as I am sleeping, I am being held in his arms

As long as I am able to dream, I don’t have to hurt

I am still dancing when I Close my eyes

He whispers my name to silence my cries

In dream I never have to know he left me sleeping

…in the dirt

I bid you farewell one last time

There is nothing here left to keep

I am serving this sentence

For someone else’s crime

My heart left barely beating

…through shallow breaths of sleep

　

-Catherine D.

　

The HUGE turn-around

 

 

Sometimes my Real life and my Writer's life coincide...

This is one of those moments!! **********************************************************************
Joliet Junior College
Department of Nursing Education, Allied Health & Emergency Services

October, 2012

Dear Student,

...

Congratulations! You have been accepted into the EVENING nursing program at Joliet Junior College for the Spring 2013 semester.
(a bunch of technical stuff I dont need to share here)

Welcome to Nursing!

*GASP*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I imagined myself in a big group of girls screaming and jumping up and down in unison when I got the Phone call this morning!!

On October 10th, I posted this update " Hoping to get an "Acceptance" email within the next 2 weeks, preferably (sp) next week.. Only positive thoughts on this subject.. I am WILLING my acceptance in this program by imagining I am definitely getting accepted lol.. seriously... I Am! :p"

Could it be.. even through all the turmoil, distress, depression.. that one Belief in myself, that one Positive thought sent out into the world.. worked its magic.. and came back to me??

Halloween

Its time to get ugly

Unacceptance

My UNACCEPTANCE LETTER

“Dear Student,
Thank you for applying for the Nursing Program at Joliet Junior College but due to the large number of well qualified applicants this semester and limited spaces available we were unable to meet your request for admission to the Spring 2013 class.
Of the accepted students, the average TEAS V score was 78.6%; the average TEAS V reading score was 85.6%; the ave...

rage GPA was a 3.6; most students had their 6 General Education classes completed.”

I am devastated, emotionally, mentally, physically just sickened by this.. I got this last night at about midnight and I am, well there are no words, well tons of words, but I am embarrassed? Ashamed? Why am I not Good enough??

My Teas V score 81.3%; my TeasV Reading 90.3%; My average GPA 4.0 and why didn't I get in?
The only logical reason is 2, yes 2 of the 6 gen eds that need to be completed only Prior to ENTERING/STARTING the program, I am still taking and acing mind you. But as stated in the application regulations, that is “OK” they only require you be registered and taking the one or 2 classes you still need, in fact you are not even able to apply if you aren’t registered for/completed any of these 6 classes…

So my scores, my GPA, my obvious Amazing Personality and caring heart (that they still have no clue exists) WERE ABOVE what they accepted.. And here I sit, feeling worthless. Like everything I have done is for nothing…

Now, come on a little journey with me, I have never done this out loud before but hell why not, you all already know I am crazy anyway.

There must be a reason for this, and this is how I know. I have told GOD on many occasions, “I will put everything I am into this (whatever I have set my mind to) but I will trust that where I end up and what path you create ahead of me, is where you have led me. I will trust you>” I am not kidding. I know some of you have no clue about my genuine relationship with God and my Faith in trusting his guidance, but is not what I am here to talk about, I tell him this a lot, with ALL of the life changes or choices, I have been through, Every time I have found myself feeling like I am staring at a 10 foot tall brick wall and I want to just break down and give up.. God sends his ideas to me.. He GUIDEs ME and shows me how Very important it is that he has sent ME here to earth, and that I WILL serve my purpose (not just lay there and give up).
When I first returned to school, I was going into Radiology, not because I felt it was something I would enjoy, that would have been Ultrasound technology, and not ALL of that field, only the scanning babies, but we all know, that is not ALL these people do, but I was blinded by the idea and knew JJC, the closest cheapest college I could afford had a Radiology program (which is where you need to start before ultrasound) SO there I went and wasn’t passionate about the idea, I really just wanted to have a career that made decent money. At that point, if you told me, &^%* makes $60,000 a year, I’m not sure I would have cared what XYZ was; I’d have probably went for it. I didn’t care much for the idea of only knowing a patient for 5-20 minutes then sending the on their way and never seeing them again.

(FUNnY SIDE NOTE, MY FACEBOOK JUST FROZE, AND I HAD TO RETYPE ALL OF THIS TO THIS POINT.. FML)

So I was on a fast track to making money and getting a career that I could be “proud” of.. Second semester registration… BRICK WALL.. One of the classes I absolutely needed to continue MY plan was filled, the idea of being set back 6 months was intolerable to me, IM TOO OLD TO WAIT, So I looked around at other colleges and really couldn’t figure a way to either Afford them or drive 45 minutes there and then back 3-4 nights a week.. So I decided.. well hell, I’m already on a medical path class wise, I should aim for the RN program.. I know I just made that decision sound so easy and UN thought out, but I did think about it for a few weeks.. There was so much in my mind that changed about my future with the idea of becoming a nurse, but I do not want to get into this either.. So my path was changed and sometimes I wonder if God isn’t just the one saving me from brick walls, but also sometimes setting one down in front of me to stop me for a moment and give me time to think things through.. Because when I want something I AM definitely like a train blazing towards my destination.

(I just looked up and I say SO a lot in my story telling.. note to self, work on that)

Soooooo….yes, I am hurting, very badly actually, because now I am sitting here in front of this brick wall, I can see the brightest light shining from all around it (yes, I could just walk around it, but it’s not part of my path) and I know I need to sit and think.. WHY?? Why is right now not the time, and already in my life, and in my immediate happenings, I can see some of the possibilities of WHY? But also, FINALLY, I am going to contact Saint Francis University Monday and see if I can receive enough financial aid to be a part of their bridge program.. which is where I take most of my classes at JJC (where I am at) then bridge into getting my Bachelors (with SFU) In my first semester I heard a girl talking about because she was in Phi theta Kappa and her gpa was so great, she got a full ride there… I ALSO fit these criteria, but I also heard their program Is days.. Which is NOT good for me with my job… ughhhh I forgot about that. Anyhow, I am not going to assume anything. I will go there and ask all the questions I need to ask to decide if that is the path I am supposed to take.

I register for classes tomorrow for Spring semester, and I already have had plan B (mental) in the works for a while now with making sure I have the appropriate classes taken in order to transfer to SFU… and also working towards an Associates in Art, so tomorrow, I register for Microbiology, Statistics, and Chemistry 100 (which I’m not sure I need because my high school grade somehow makes jjc say you don’t need it, but I think SFU requires a college credit)
Enough with the details that most of you probably view as radio instructions (lol I always loved that phrase)

The thing is, yes, I want to die, but for some ungodly known reason I am not allowed, so Instead, I will leave, go work out, try to not tell anyone I SUCK and didn’t get into the program this semester because it will make me burst into tears, come home, go to breakie with Jimison, take nunu and the girls to go see Brave, go to church at 5:30, drink coffee, cry more, pray, cry even more, and try to figure shit out… Ummmmm yeahhhhh I think that is it for now… wiping my tears and heading out the door with a heavy heart.

Oh I forgot to mention there is a SLIGHT chance they could call me if enough people decided to not fill their slot in the program, my odds were even more squeezed being that I HAVE to choose the night program so I can still work, and the night program is smaller. The OTHER tiny light at the end of the tunnel.. the nursing program and facility expansion will be finished this spring, so by Fall 2014 when I would start, because there is no reason I shouldn’t be accepted after these classes are out of the way (IF I am even still at JJC) they will be accepting a larger number of applicants per semester. Ok I said it, but no, still didn’t make me feel better.. Guess it will just take some time to swallow.

Stay Alive..

How are We, as humans, supposed to heal and forgive, while we are still being cut open daily? How are we to be able to stop bleeding when the moment the dagger is removed from our heart, it is immediately stabbed into our spine?

I sit in a recovery group... and I leave only to sit in my car and think to myself.. I am Not recovering from anything. I am still living it.

I am merely Coping.

Treading Water. Barely able to keep my head above water. If I were recovering, I would have swam or washed up to the shore after nearly drowning and be laying there. Recovery to me would be sitting there and washing myself of the pain and residue of the struggle, Spitting the water from my lungs. Waiting for the blood to course through my veins again to warm my body. A rescue team rushing in to help me stand as they wrap a blanket around me..

I am not recovering.

I am just trying to stay alive until I make it to the shore.

-Catherine D.