If you only knew
What I feel for you
If you only lived for me
the way I lived for you
I'd be in heaven
My dreams would come true
'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
If you were my own
To caress and hold
I would shower you with love
And drown within your soul
Because I live and breathe for you
And I really need to know
That all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
Everything I do is for you
You are every part of me
And I don't want to face
Another day
Alone
Without
.... your love
'Cause all I've ever wanted
Is you
And you alone
And I love you so
More than you could ever know
All I've ever wanted
Is you
All I've ever wanted
Is you
Monday, May 30, 2005
Thursday, May 26, 2005
As the world falls down *lyrics*
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes,
a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes
There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world)
falling down
Falling in love
I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world falls)
FallingFalling
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
FallingAs the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
FallingFalling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Deep in your eyes,
a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
within your eyes
I’ll place the sky within your eyes
There’s such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I’ll place the moon within your heart
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world)
falling down
Falling in love
I’ll paint you mornings of gold
I’ll spin you valentine evenings
Though we’re strangers till now
We’re choosing the path between the stars
I’ll leave my love between the stars
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all
But I’ll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling(as the world falls)
FallingFalling
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
FallingFallingFallingFalling
in love
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
FallingAs the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
FallingFalling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
"The frozen moon" (2000)
October 8th 2000
The night carries a stilling calm
It has a way of empowering my soul
All at once it feeds me my highest point of mania....with my lowest trench of sadness....
The moon looks as though it has been Frozen in a black pond
...and it will not move until the morning sun thaws it out
It is different than most nights
Every breath I take is crisp
...I can hear it
tearing through the silence
It is as if it is my first breath
Does the night poison my mind?
With its blanket of darkness I feel a different part of my soul come to life.
I often wish for eternal darkness
To me, the night is the most beautiful thing on this earth.
I hold the rain second highest to it.....Especially storms.
I would like to live in a world...that it is forever night...with a storm always on the wind...
Oh...what a wonderous place!
FairEden'
The night carries a stilling calm
It has a way of empowering my soul
All at once it feeds me my highest point of mania....with my lowest trench of sadness....
The moon looks as though it has been Frozen in a black pond
...and it will not move until the morning sun thaws it out
It is different than most nights
Every breath I take is crisp
...I can hear it
tearing through the silence
It is as if it is my first breath
Does the night poison my mind?
With its blanket of darkness I feel a different part of my soul come to life.
I often wish for eternal darkness
To me, the night is the most beautiful thing on this earth.
I hold the rain second highest to it.....Especially storms.
I would like to live in a world...that it is forever night...with a storm always on the wind...
Oh...what a wonderous place!
FairEden'
This I promise you *lyrics*
When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...
Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..This I promise you..
Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...
And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby
Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...
"Decide" 2003
Life is like a river...it flows
sometimes you drift down the river slowly
enjoying the scenery
taking your time
to breath in
sometimes you run into the rapids
that throw you around
fast moving
exciting
scary
all in the same instance
then you come to a point in your river
there is a branch embedded into the side ofthe riverbank
trapped....caked in debree and mud
standing still
this branch was once part of a great tree
a living thriving tree
it once flowed within the river
of life
now it stands still as life passes
this branch is not dead
you see one tiny green leaf growing from its almost pathetic grey bark
you see hope
you grab onto this branch and you hold onto it
life passes you by for a while
you refuse to let go of this branch
this once beautiful branch
you know if you could only set it free...it will grow and strive again
the river flows on and slowly pulls you
harder and harder
your grip grows weak
your palms become bloody
being torn from this branch
you feel this pain as your blood drips into the water
diluted....
floats away
You are pulled further and further down the branch
you are now facing this tiny green leaf
one last time you strengthen your grasp
you cannot risk tearing off this tiny green leaf
the leaf sets...right there in your face
you are so close to it
you see tiny buds around it
with tears in your eyes you have to decide
do you give up and let go of this branch, again releasing yourself into this river of life?
Do you hold on just a little while longer while time stands still?
While you risk losing your soul?
Do you find a way to crawl out of the river and lie there in the mud watching to see if this branch will grow without you saving it?
slowly becomming embedded yourself?
sometimes you drift down the river slowly
enjoying the scenery
taking your time
to breath in
sometimes you run into the rapids
that throw you around
fast moving
exciting
scary
all in the same instance
then you come to a point in your river
there is a branch embedded into the side ofthe riverbank
trapped....caked in debree and mud
standing still
this branch was once part of a great tree
a living thriving tree
it once flowed within the river
of life
now it stands still as life passes
this branch is not dead
you see one tiny green leaf growing from its almost pathetic grey bark
you see hope
you grab onto this branch and you hold onto it
life passes you by for a while
you refuse to let go of this branch
this once beautiful branch
you know if you could only set it free...it will grow and strive again
the river flows on and slowly pulls you
harder and harder
your grip grows weak
your palms become bloody
being torn from this branch
you feel this pain as your blood drips into the water
diluted....
floats away
You are pulled further and further down the branch
you are now facing this tiny green leaf
one last time you strengthen your grasp
you cannot risk tearing off this tiny green leaf
the leaf sets...right there in your face
you are so close to it
you see tiny buds around it
with tears in your eyes you have to decide
do you give up and let go of this branch, again releasing yourself into this river of life?
Do you hold on just a little while longer while time stands still?
While you risk losing your soul?
Do you find a way to crawl out of the river and lie there in the mud watching to see if this branch will grow without you saving it?
slowly becomming embedded yourself?
Random 2003 entry
There will never be another tomorrow...
I know not the answers to the questions that riddle my mind.
I have battled so far alone...struggled...fallen..
only to bathe in my own sorry.
Left to learn to stand once again...
Left lying on the ground...staring at it with hate and pain in my eyes...
tears drowning my curses to god to take away this sufferance...to end this misery.
Take my life in empathy.
I have pleaded at night when only god can hear me...have mercy on my soul and let me go..
I know not the answers to the questions that riddle my mind.
I have battled so far alone...struggled...fallen..
only to bathe in my own sorry.
Left to learn to stand once again...
Left lying on the ground...staring at it with hate and pain in my eyes...
tears drowning my curses to god to take away this sufferance...to end this misery.
Take my life in empathy.
I have pleaded at night when only god can hear me...have mercy on my soul and let me go..
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
"A mistake" 2003
"A mistake is something you would have changed if given the chance"
Ever just need to write, and have no one to write to?
I feel like I have said everything I can to anyone I have felt the need to say things to.
Every day I exist here...on earth, so many stories.
Seems my failures have become more interesting than my sucesses.
No matter how hard one tries, you cannot completely dissappear from the world.
Even the ones who you love the most, end up hurting you the worst!
In their own ways they abandon you to live their own lives...and somehow forget to include you.
Parents....maybe it is just mine. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame my mistakes on. Maybe I just want recognition of my creation being a mistake. My whole life of failures resulting from one night...one mistake...one accident catipulting into a single person existing only to carry the burden of never knowing how to live.....but only knowing how to exist!
The only feeling I love by is emptiness. My eternal struggle to find the one.
The one who can take away the pain, take away the void. To give a mistake a purpose.
To find the one that makes everything look different.
The one that "can't" live without me, the way everyone else "can".
The one who thinks about m every breath he takes.
The one who will cradle my soul and take away the pain.
The one who will remove all doubt.
The one i can trust eternally.
Do you really think i will be unfulfilled my entire life?
Ever just need to write, and have no one to write to?
I feel like I have said everything I can to anyone I have felt the need to say things to.
Every day I exist here...on earth, so many stories.
Seems my failures have become more interesting than my sucesses.
No matter how hard one tries, you cannot completely dissappear from the world.
Even the ones who you love the most, end up hurting you the worst!
In their own ways they abandon you to live their own lives...and somehow forget to include you.
Parents....maybe it is just mine. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame my mistakes on. Maybe I just want recognition of my creation being a mistake. My whole life of failures resulting from one night...one mistake...one accident catipulting into a single person existing only to carry the burden of never knowing how to live.....but only knowing how to exist!
The only feeling I love by is emptiness. My eternal struggle to find the one.
The one who can take away the pain, take away the void. To give a mistake a purpose.
To find the one that makes everything look different.
The one that "can't" live without me, the way everyone else "can".
The one who thinks about m every breath he takes.
The one who will cradle my soul and take away the pain.
The one who will remove all doubt.
The one i can trust eternally.
Do you really think i will be unfulfilled my entire life?
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I know!
I strive to become important.
I want someone to care what I am doing every moment of my day
i want someone to call me multiple times daily just because they miss me
I want someone to feel empty inside without my presence
I want someone to care...about me.
I want someone to share themselves with me their soul, their dreams, their visions.
I need to find "the one" who has his eyes wide open to this world.
The one who sees through it all and is ready to take in an existance he has only thought about his whole life
The one who is tired of existing in this shallow mundane plain of earth
The one who feels my presence within his body whether we are together or apart
the one who craves my every ounce of attention as if my touch, words, and existance are the air he needs to survive
Why is it that god is not allowing this person i have desired since the dawn of time to fall into my arms?
I want to be taken care of, yet independant
I want to be babied yet mastered
I want a man who is able to bathe in his own confidence
but only humble to show his love for me
I want a man who will take control and give control of himself to me as well...
To worship me and in turn allow me to worship him.
I want someone to care what I am doing every moment of my day
i want someone to call me multiple times daily just because they miss me
I want someone to feel empty inside without my presence
I want someone to care...about me.
I want someone to share themselves with me their soul, their dreams, their visions.
I need to find "the one" who has his eyes wide open to this world.
The one who sees through it all and is ready to take in an existance he has only thought about his whole life
The one who is tired of existing in this shallow mundane plain of earth
The one who feels my presence within his body whether we are together or apart
the one who craves my every ounce of attention as if my touch, words, and existance are the air he needs to survive
Why is it that god is not allowing this person i have desired since the dawn of time to fall into my arms?
I want to be taken care of, yet independant
I want to be babied yet mastered
I want a man who is able to bathe in his own confidence
but only humble to show his love for me
I want a man who will take control and give control of himself to me as well...
To worship me and in turn allow me to worship him.
Lie Awake with Me...
My body lies motionless in your arms,
your eyes...
connecting to mine in an exhausting gaze .
I pause...only to feel our hearts beating slowly as the light consumes the heaven we had conceived throughout the night.
Our words have grown silent..
Our lips too fatigued to speak..
Fighting the slumber in efforts to embrace this endless night.
The birds have humbly brought forth a beautiful lullaby in their presence.
A song that has been waking the surrounding world as we still lie there....existing..breathing..consuming...
I have never felt so consumed..
I never want to pull away or allow your embrace to fall.
I never want to drift into sleep.
Our bodies entwined within one another,
Our souls eminating into one anothers essence..
We are no longer self.
I never thought it posible to be closer than we have become throughout one night..
and yet every word spoken, every movement made...every secret revealed has drawn us closer.
Lie awake with me my love.
Please do not close your eyes.
With the passing hours, our minds become entranced..
Lying here with you is a dream far from sleep...
The further from reality we fall, the more real we become.
your eyes...
connecting to mine in an exhausting gaze .
I pause...only to feel our hearts beating slowly as the light consumes the heaven we had conceived throughout the night.
Our words have grown silent..
Our lips too fatigued to speak..
Fighting the slumber in efforts to embrace this endless night.
The birds have humbly brought forth a beautiful lullaby in their presence.
A song that has been waking the surrounding world as we still lie there....existing..breathing..consuming...
I have never felt so consumed..
I never want to pull away or allow your embrace to fall.
I never want to drift into sleep.
Our bodies entwined within one another,
Our souls eminating into one anothers essence..
We are no longer self.
I never thought it posible to be closer than we have become throughout one night..
and yet every word spoken, every movement made...every secret revealed has drawn us closer.
Lie awake with me my love.
Please do not close your eyes.
With the passing hours, our minds become entranced..
Lying here with you is a dream far from sleep...
The further from reality we fall, the more real we become.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Storm...in the morning light!
My hands have become shaky with confusion...every word of joy, backed by so much intensity . If I were to look into his eyes right now, I know i would see I have done something wrong and I cannot return to where it stemmed from...
He would look away...*sigh* and look at the ground...
Denying everything we had become and walk away!
It has become the pattern i have sewn myself to... being too honest, feeling too much...Being too much! I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...to where the life inside of me was subtle and patient...the silence of my heart and soul.
With my head in my hand I sigh....close my eyes...and remember that love...that place we took eachother...the place we went to when we wanted to escape our worlds...
Drift away into a song...until then...
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
***Storm.. in the morning light I feel No more can I say Frozen to myself ***
This morning I was rushed to wake with rain in my face laying in my bed...
My window open and I looked through the storm and noticed the green sky...
this sky will never be the same...
He would look away...*sigh* and look at the ground...
Denying everything we had become and walk away!
It has become the pattern i have sewn myself to... being too honest, feeling too much...Being too much! I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...to where the life inside of me was subtle and patient...the silence of my heart and soul.
With my head in my hand I sigh....close my eyes...and remember that love...that place we took eachother...the place we went to when we wanted to escape our worlds...
Drift away into a song...until then...
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
***Storm.. in the morning light I feel No more can I say Frozen to myself ***
This morning I was rushed to wake with rain in my face laying in my bed...
My window open and I looked through the storm and noticed the green sky...
this sky will never be the same...
Monday, May 02, 2005
You are "The one" (May 15th, 2003)
Thursday, May 15th, 2003
5:59 pm
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.
All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.
*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..
That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..
The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...
His silence has been a delicate array of torture...
HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.
He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.
Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"
He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.
My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...
I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.
It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.
I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
demise.
As it would be mine.
If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.
Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..
Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all
I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!
Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.
..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.
I can almost taste his devine lips..
Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"
because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.
I am different...I know this.
I was MAde this way for a reason..
I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!
I Feel Soul.
I Need Soul.
Nothing is real...nothing...
Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...
To blind you.
I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...
I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..
I am here now.
Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...
Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..
Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..
I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.
Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;
In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.
Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...
I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..
Last chance!
Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...
Are You ready...to be..complete?
Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?
I love you.
You are "the one"
5:59 pm
I sit...and listen to the music that has haunted me for all time...the songs shadow my existance..they Are my existance.
All my life, i knew there was this person that i am meant to find.
He will complete me.
He will devour me.He will remove all doubt with just a look from his eyes.
*sigh*I have eternally searched for this soul again and again...each time, once finding him, never letting go...till death..
That is where it all returns to the beginning...birth...childhood....growing and learning then finally you are ready to begin looking for your life partner..
The memory of him..his existance in my previous life hasleft a scar on my soul that burns in my lonliest hours..I know this...because I have Felt him before I have ever met him. He visits me in my dreams for brief interludes, just to renew my pain...
His silence has been a delicate array of torture...
HIs existence outside of my arms has almost become the death of me.
He knew i was out there as well, and he searched on, as did i.
Everything i touched, turned to stone...almost as i had drained them of everything they could possibly be. I reached deep into their souls and pulled out the light...to examine what and who they were...they could not handle what i was...they could not handle my visions...my intensity...they were not "the one"I used to think to myself.."the one" will find me. He will walk into a room..come up to me and say ...."You are the one"
He is sure of himself and he doubts nothing..and he outreaches his hand...that is where my vision ceases. That is where I have just recently realized..that no matter how long i have waited for him...no matter how intensely i desire to be complete again...and how much I know it is to be...I have to reach back.
My idea in life...in my spirit..knew...
I yearned to find this man, and worship him with my every being. I wanted him to worship me as much as I Needed to worship him.
It isnt even a matter of want...it is a matter of need...of Must.
I MUST find him, I must consume him, i Must please him, I Must take away his emptiness...I Must fill that void with my soul, my passion for him, that sickness inside that doesnt leave me until i am in him...I know with my eternal soul, he will complete me. He MUST complete me...it is written in the wind..to not complete me would be his
demise.
As it would be mine.
If I were to Never reach this man...this soul...after I knew of his existance, I would lose my passion to burn in his love eternally and disintigrate into eternity.
Every path I chose was wirlwind of passion...ending...with my soul left stranded...in the night..naked...drained...near death...I lay there with my body barely raised out of the fetal position with my hair soaked in tears hanging down over my face...covering my eyes...shielding them from the pain..
Everytime i turned around i was struggling to breath...fighting each day in a rage to be through...through with it all
I am not alive...I am merely surviving in his memory. A memory I can't even see...only feel and know!
Can i hate my creator for not making me whole...maybe i do.
..because I know he is near...i feel him breathing.
I can almost taste his devine lips..
Almost scares me to think...what if this IS "the one"
because I know I wouldn't be here if I weren't so close to being sure.
I am different...I know this.
I was MAde this way for a reason..
I see what I see...and it opened my yes...I See SOUL!
I Feel Soul.
I Need Soul.
Nothing is real...nothing...
Everything around us are catalysts to pacify the time...to confuse us, to lead us astray from our soul...
To blind you.
I Am soul, and i will exist no other way. I will not exist without another who has fought the curtain all the way up till now...I know he is out there..I can hear his thoughts, and I can feel him slipping into the blindness...
I couldnt have showed up at a more appropriate time..
I am here now.
Let me end your demise. Accept me. Accept my soul. Accept my existance...please baby remember me, feel it...
Remember the first time our souls made it so we could never go on without one another again...centuries of lifetimes ago..
Has your passion to find me,haunted you as it has haunted me..
I dont know where i am going...but i refuse to go without you.
Your smile like sunlight,Like hemlock seeping through my veins;
In your eyes i see the emptiness left unto you, through the fucking world we have to live in. Im sorry baby, but I hate this place. Why is this the way it must be.
Our bodies could never let us be close enough, our flaws unexisting in eachothers eyes,
Entwined by hopes to one day be soul..to be free..to be as one for eternity everafter
We shall know no bounds...we shall not ever see this world again..we will be oblivious to it. Everytime one of us slips towards it, the other will pull you back...look into your eyes...and again we can achieve soul...We drifted Deep and far from the womb we were conceived....From the blemished world,That kept alive our childhood fears.and from the childhood that took away the blindness...
I cannot exist. I will not exist if you will not accept this..
Last chance!
Will you accept this kiss of everlasting...
Are You ready...to be..complete?
Are you ready and prepared to be Soul?
I love you.
You are "the one"
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Could I have been wrong?
Quoted from myself
"Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible."
I was shot down, left to die, 2 years ago almost to the date...in fact about right now is when I discovered "him"
I used to fly through life in a whirlwind, touching peoples lives and flying off with no despair or worries...free I was. Once in my life I took this man with me...i flew with him, I took him by the hand, I offered him a permanent position by my side...oh my god, I cannot help but feel a bit funny right now. *Sigh*
How can one write with happiness inside of them? This is so new to me and I almost feel like laughing out loud right now. This IS sad. I am trying to work around this Light in my life and still be an effective writer and yet I am smiling and my soul is fighting my mood music...have I been shielded from the pain again?
....after I took my fall, I was unable to fly any longer...my soul had become so heavy with this darkness, I was merely able to hug closely to the ground with a shaky stability as I made my way onward in life.
I have had so many enter into my life and lift me by the arms, helping to pull me onward as I refused to stand.
I am so used to lingering in the shadows that being in this new light makes me feel so vulnerable!
So visable...and yet..who is watching anyhow?
I have realized how blind I am to people around me and yet I thought I was very aware.
(*sigh* Everytime I write the word I it rips at my soul...)
I have counted the days that have passed me by since something amazing happened to me...
something that opened my eyes and my soul recently and I have been silenced with happiness.
"Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible."
I was shot down, left to die, 2 years ago almost to the date...in fact about right now is when I discovered "him"
I used to fly through life in a whirlwind, touching peoples lives and flying off with no despair or worries...free I was. Once in my life I took this man with me...i flew with him, I took him by the hand, I offered him a permanent position by my side...oh my god, I cannot help but feel a bit funny right now. *Sigh*
How can one write with happiness inside of them? This is so new to me and I almost feel like laughing out loud right now. This IS sad. I am trying to work around this Light in my life and still be an effective writer and yet I am smiling and my soul is fighting my mood music...have I been shielded from the pain again?
....after I took my fall, I was unable to fly any longer...my soul had become so heavy with this darkness, I was merely able to hug closely to the ground with a shaky stability as I made my way onward in life.
I have had so many enter into my life and lift me by the arms, helping to pull me onward as I refused to stand.
I am so used to lingering in the shadows that being in this new light makes me feel so vulnerable!
So visable...and yet..who is watching anyhow?
I have realized how blind I am to people around me and yet I thought I was very aware.
(*sigh* Everytime I write the word I it rips at my soul...)
I have counted the days that have passed me by since something amazing happened to me...
something that opened my eyes and my soul recently and I have been silenced with happiness.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
from the depths of my soul I cry on my day of birth. Always seems like I lose something everytime it passes. Every year, one less friend or family member cares to remember your special day. Maybe I expect too much for my day. I do not want gifts or the casual Happy Birthday...
I want completion, and every year I grow older, I realize I have lost another year of my life.
What is it inside me that never lets me realize the happiness and joy in my life?
What is this overwhelming shadow of incompletion, dissatisfaction...
..the shadow that is always over my soul...stealing the breath from my chest.
I find myself so happy at times...I stop and recognize these moments...I try to stay for as long as I can...and yet, when I lay back in my bed each night...alone...why is this happiness gone?
Why can i describe my soul in darkness....
why do i have to..
why can't I just
*pause*
i just can't remember many nights in my life where I was truly passionate about waking up the next morning to continue where I left off..
I think back to my childhood...to what I can even remember...people tell you not to dwell on negative things, and yet my whole life has been just that. There has been so much negative around the positive, that I will lose it all when i try to let it go...
Every good thing in my life has been atached to hardship and pain. Suffering and sadness.
Nothing has came easily, and nothing has left me without etching its clawmarks into my soul
My scars run so deep, and I am told to let go of this...let go of it all...
in turn, lose myself.
Have I been so dependant on the pain?
Can I even exist if it were not there?
I have gone so long trusting in the pain to keep me feeling alive.
What will I have left to feel if it is gone?
I want completion, and every year I grow older, I realize I have lost another year of my life.
What is it inside me that never lets me realize the happiness and joy in my life?
What is this overwhelming shadow of incompletion, dissatisfaction...
..the shadow that is always over my soul...stealing the breath from my chest.
I find myself so happy at times...I stop and recognize these moments...I try to stay for as long as I can...and yet, when I lay back in my bed each night...alone...why is this happiness gone?
Why can i describe my soul in darkness....
why do i have to..
why can't I just
*pause*
i just can't remember many nights in my life where I was truly passionate about waking up the next morning to continue where I left off..
I think back to my childhood...to what I can even remember...people tell you not to dwell on negative things, and yet my whole life has been just that. There has been so much negative around the positive, that I will lose it all when i try to let it go...
Every good thing in my life has been atached to hardship and pain. Suffering and sadness.
Nothing has came easily, and nothing has left me without etching its clawmarks into my soul
My scars run so deep, and I am told to let go of this...let go of it all...
in turn, lose myself.
Have I been so dependant on the pain?
Can I even exist if it were not there?
I have gone so long trusting in the pain to keep me feeling alive.
What will I have left to feel if it is gone?
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Looking down from the moon! (June 14th 2003)
Tonight is Friday the 13th....a full moon.
Tonight I feel him more than ever. Perhaps it is my need to be with someone on this ironic night. The need to share this with my soul mate.I dwell in the mystery of the night. The moon, she empowers me. Her memory gets me through the daylight. She has shared everything I have ever felt. Her and her alone.
There is no one else here with me as I cry in her shadows. No one here, holding me in her light. She has become my dismal comfort. She is there...and Has been there with me through it all. She will be there forever. No matter where I go...she is there. Even when you cannot see her, she is not very far.
A soul mate...like this moon. Out of reach for the most part...but always there lingering...waiting. Then that one...in their depth and determination, does not believe that reaching the moon is impossible...does not give up until they get to you.Knowing it is there, feeling its presence. Seeing her on the clearest nights and in her brightest moments...like the dreams and emotions you are given throughout life...in your memory of "the one"
Except one thing is different....you Can go to the moon...you can touch it, you can love it...you can even bring parts of it back with you....but you cannot live there...in death...here in this life...you leave behind this moon....but the moon is just as bright in your life there after.
I feel this way with Shawn tonight, as I sit here alone, wishing he were here to share this moment...wishing I were speaking these words to him...I have no one to share this thought with. And even though I cannot see him, or touch him...I can still feel him. He is so wonderfully strong tonight.
Once you return from the moon, nothing looks the same....this World is no longer so big and misunderstood. Everything is in a different perspective now...but after you have touched it...you spend every lifetime wanting to go back to that place...
Tonight I feel him more than ever. Perhaps it is my need to be with someone on this ironic night. The need to share this with my soul mate.I dwell in the mystery of the night. The moon, she empowers me. Her memory gets me through the daylight. She has shared everything I have ever felt. Her and her alone.
There is no one else here with me as I cry in her shadows. No one here, holding me in her light. She has become my dismal comfort. She is there...and Has been there with me through it all. She will be there forever. No matter where I go...she is there. Even when you cannot see her, she is not very far.
A soul mate...like this moon. Out of reach for the most part...but always there lingering...waiting. Then that one...in their depth and determination, does not believe that reaching the moon is impossible...does not give up until they get to you.Knowing it is there, feeling its presence. Seeing her on the clearest nights and in her brightest moments...like the dreams and emotions you are given throughout life...in your memory of "the one"
Except one thing is different....you Can go to the moon...you can touch it, you can love it...you can even bring parts of it back with you....but you cannot live there...in death...here in this life...you leave behind this moon....but the moon is just as bright in your life there after.
I feel this way with Shawn tonight, as I sit here alone, wishing he were here to share this moment...wishing I were speaking these words to him...I have no one to share this thought with. And even though I cannot see him, or touch him...I can still feel him. He is so wonderfully strong tonight.
Once you return from the moon, nothing looks the same....this World is no longer so big and misunderstood. Everything is in a different perspective now...but after you have touched it...you spend every lifetime wanting to go back to that place...
...die trying!
I have decided to copy some of my most written journal entries into this one.
June 7th 2003
Shawn broke up with me almost 48 hours to the minute. I have spent half my time crying and the other half writing an endless letter to him. I know i should have written sooner, but how can one find the words while opnes soul is so lost?
I have not spoken to god for four years. For the first time since, I turned to him in some sort of way. If it was not him I was speaking to, then I just may be insane. I begged him to stop this torture. I pleaded for him to tell me what I have done so wrong in life...I asked that he take me away from this place....yet again...nothing but silence and unanswered prayers.
Now my worst fear has come to pass...and yet I still exist...why?
I told Shawn when we first started talking...no sadness. For as long as I could, I shielded him from it. Keeping him happy made me happy. I no longer have that ability, I no longer have that happiness.
Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible.
The truth is...I don't know where I am going from here. I do not believe I am able to go anywhere.
When you drop something on the ground and you didn't see where it fell, you don't go searching for it miles away. You stay where you were standing and search for it where you were.
I lost my heart and soul right here, and this is where I shall stay until I find them again....or die trying.
June 7th 2003
Shawn broke up with me almost 48 hours to the minute. I have spent half my time crying and the other half writing an endless letter to him. I know i should have written sooner, but how can one find the words while opnes soul is so lost?
I have not spoken to god for four years. For the first time since, I turned to him in some sort of way. If it was not him I was speaking to, then I just may be insane. I begged him to stop this torture. I pleaded for him to tell me what I have done so wrong in life...I asked that he take me away from this place....yet again...nothing but silence and unanswered prayers.
Now my worst fear has come to pass...and yet I still exist...why?
I told Shawn when we first started talking...no sadness. For as long as I could, I shielded him from it. Keeping him happy made me happy. I no longer have that ability, I no longer have that happiness.
Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible.
The truth is...I don't know where I am going from here. I do not believe I am able to go anywhere.
When you drop something on the ground and you didn't see where it fell, you don't go searching for it miles away. You stay where you were standing and search for it where you were.
I lost my heart and soul right here, and this is where I shall stay until I find them again....or die trying.
...oh trusty journal
May 30th 2003
Your absence is an eclipse apon my soul.
The wind carries away my sorrows and returns to me your essence.
Whispering your name calms the silence of my days.
Every breath I release is a moment that brings me closer to your heart.
1:20am...oh trusty journal.
Can you believe the thoughts and words I have confided into your pages?
You have been with me for a long time in some form or another.
So many un-written pages. So many secrets woven into your binding.
Today I feel older
...I'm not sure exactly how this came about, but I feel emotionally older.
Perhaps my re-enforced emotional strength has made me not feel like a helpless, hurting, scared little girl anymore.I have reached such a level of Soul, that I despise my absolute need to descend once more back to this world.
I must touch back down and take care of some things that this world refuses to let me physically move on until I do.
Once again I must make myself Human.
Where shall I begin?
I guess I could start with my memories
...before the awakening.
As a child...
cringe
...sigh
..the first thing that comes to mind is the fighting. It seems so endless in my mind. Like a scary movie where the vision is blurry, but you can hear the yelling and crying. You immediately feel cold, vulnerable, and scared. I remember my mom and dad going out to a bar, me falling asleep safely in my bed under my sitter's care...then being abruptly awakened by yelling and the loud noises of my parents throwing things and tackling each other.I would sit up in my bed...listening with tears streaming down my face in a silent cry...waiting for my mom to call for help as she always did.
Katie...HELP. Kate.
That was my cue...I would go running, still crying and start yelling at my dad to get off of her. See, I never seen my father actually hit my mom, but from my understanding, she would try to hit him and he would use force to restrain her. Even so, seeing my mom crying, yelling and helpless was never something I wanted to see.Through it all, I never conformed and accepted things the way they were. I always knew something was wrong with what was going on.How could a child of my age know this, but the two adults causing this, not?Things are so simple through a child's eyes. The truth is, a child-like mind is a soulful mind. If we lived our lives with our ideas and ideals we had as children, well its hard to explain... I can still remember some of the simple thoughts I had as a child. I sometimes wonder to myself why I had ever strayed from them.I remember thinking, If two people love each other so much to be together and have children, then why do they fight all the time? I mean, if you have love, what would you possibly have to argue about? Why can't you just be strong together and figure out a solution....together?I guess that is where I started thinking and preparing for perfect love. I still believe that there never has to be an argument between two people who truly love each other.
You know I see it all too clearly at the moment.
I thought to myself, If my love said something to me that I didn't like, I wouldn't get upset and argue at all...in fact I would cry. I just remembered how I used to cry when Craig would say things I didn't like. Then he would come into the bedroom and hold me and apologize. Then we would talk through the problem. Then it got to the point that he would leave me crying alone in the room, no solace, no "talking". Only silence. Finally it got to the point where I stopped crying altogether. His words could no longer hurt me, only anger me. That is where it should have never ended up. He should have never stopped coming to me and comforting me. That is living without love anymore. That is something we did for a long time before I decided I couldn't live that way anymore and decided I wanted a divorce.
Your absence is an eclipse apon my soul.
The wind carries away my sorrows and returns to me your essence.
Whispering your name calms the silence of my days.
Every breath I release is a moment that brings me closer to your heart.
1:20am...oh trusty journal.
Can you believe the thoughts and words I have confided into your pages?
You have been with me for a long time in some form or another.
So many un-written pages. So many secrets woven into your binding.
Today I feel older
...I'm not sure exactly how this came about, but I feel emotionally older.
Perhaps my re-enforced emotional strength has made me not feel like a helpless, hurting, scared little girl anymore.I have reached such a level of Soul, that I despise my absolute need to descend once more back to this world.
I must touch back down and take care of some things that this world refuses to let me physically move on until I do.
Once again I must make myself Human.
Where shall I begin?
I guess I could start with my memories
...before the awakening.
As a child...
cringe
...sigh
..the first thing that comes to mind is the fighting. It seems so endless in my mind. Like a scary movie where the vision is blurry, but you can hear the yelling and crying. You immediately feel cold, vulnerable, and scared. I remember my mom and dad going out to a bar, me falling asleep safely in my bed under my sitter's care...then being abruptly awakened by yelling and the loud noises of my parents throwing things and tackling each other.I would sit up in my bed...listening with tears streaming down my face in a silent cry...waiting for my mom to call for help as she always did.
Katie...HELP. Kate.
That was my cue...I would go running, still crying and start yelling at my dad to get off of her. See, I never seen my father actually hit my mom, but from my understanding, she would try to hit him and he would use force to restrain her. Even so, seeing my mom crying, yelling and helpless was never something I wanted to see.Through it all, I never conformed and accepted things the way they were. I always knew something was wrong with what was going on.How could a child of my age know this, but the two adults causing this, not?Things are so simple through a child's eyes. The truth is, a child-like mind is a soulful mind. If we lived our lives with our ideas and ideals we had as children, well its hard to explain... I can still remember some of the simple thoughts I had as a child. I sometimes wonder to myself why I had ever strayed from them.I remember thinking, If two people love each other so much to be together and have children, then why do they fight all the time? I mean, if you have love, what would you possibly have to argue about? Why can't you just be strong together and figure out a solution....together?I guess that is where I started thinking and preparing for perfect love. I still believe that there never has to be an argument between two people who truly love each other.
You know I see it all too clearly at the moment.
I thought to myself, If my love said something to me that I didn't like, I wouldn't get upset and argue at all...in fact I would cry. I just remembered how I used to cry when Craig would say things I didn't like. Then he would come into the bedroom and hold me and apologize. Then we would talk through the problem. Then it got to the point that he would leave me crying alone in the room, no solace, no "talking". Only silence. Finally it got to the point where I stopped crying altogether. His words could no longer hurt me, only anger me. That is where it should have never ended up. He should have never stopped coming to me and comforting me. That is living without love anymore. That is something we did for a long time before I decided I couldn't live that way anymore and decided I wanted a divorce.
Will he fight? (June 25th 2003)
The story has gotten so twisted that no one could possibly understand how deep the rabbit hole goes unless they have been there since day one. If they knew the love that once existed between Shawn and I...then they would have a confusing grasp on why I still hang on.
Why he still loves and misses me, yet chooses to be with Rachel.
I guess he already knows what this feels like.
When will my happy ending come?
How will it be? Will I ever see it again?
Will I die a lonely old broken hearted woman?
Will I ever find someone that can complete me in one more way than Shawn could, by loving me more than anyone on this earth and never being able to leave me?
Is my soul mate still out there searching?
If he finds me will he be able to open my eyes?
Or will they still be wide shut in the eclipse of Shawn's absense?
My god this is a viscious cycle indeed.
I believe Shawn is my Soulmate, but he cannot see it.
Just as I refuse to see anyone else but him filling that void.
Will it end when "the other" refuses to give up on me, the one that has the strength as I once did and pulls me out of this darkness. I would not give up on Shawn had he had the reasoning inside of him to ask that of me. But I know I will find the strength to say, Please don't give up on me. I will know who I will have to say it to when the time comes. Even if it takes my last breath, I know if it is true, that will be all I will need to be able to say.Shawn and I have always stated time will tell, and I think time is showing me that the odds are against him and I ever being together again.
I think time is telling me, Cat, you know life is short
...everyone knows this.
You need to react to this knowledge, take the time to look at what has happened to you, use it to learn, use it to heal, and stop dwelling. Life and time wait for no one. Yet I sit and argue with them. I tell it there is nothing left out there for me, nothing is real anymore, nothing can be given to me to hold forever. Why should I care if life passes me by? I am not missing out on anything as far as I can see. Even with the little energy I have left, I just don't care if anyone understands me anymore. I have no more battles to fight, nothing left to fight for. I don't care to put forth the effort to tell someone my hopes and dreams. I don't care if anyone knows I have visions and see things from other dimensions. It just doesnt matter anymore. The only one that needs to know who and what I am, is me. I am the only one that really matters how much effort I put into.Shawn wrote, "but if you find someone else, I will have to go away quietly, it would not be right for me to interfere" Is that a hint that he wants me to go away quietly?
I don't know what it means really.
I just know that my soul mate will refuse to walk away quietly from me.
That he will fight for me
....fight to open my eyes.
He will know we are meant to be together and refuse to let anything keep us apart.
Why he still loves and misses me, yet chooses to be with Rachel.
I guess he already knows what this feels like.
When will my happy ending come?
How will it be? Will I ever see it again?
Will I die a lonely old broken hearted woman?
Will I ever find someone that can complete me in one more way than Shawn could, by loving me more than anyone on this earth and never being able to leave me?
Is my soul mate still out there searching?
If he finds me will he be able to open my eyes?
Or will they still be wide shut in the eclipse of Shawn's absense?
My god this is a viscious cycle indeed.
I believe Shawn is my Soulmate, but he cannot see it.
Just as I refuse to see anyone else but him filling that void.
Will it end when "the other" refuses to give up on me, the one that has the strength as I once did and pulls me out of this darkness. I would not give up on Shawn had he had the reasoning inside of him to ask that of me. But I know I will find the strength to say, Please don't give up on me. I will know who I will have to say it to when the time comes. Even if it takes my last breath, I know if it is true, that will be all I will need to be able to say.Shawn and I have always stated time will tell, and I think time is showing me that the odds are against him and I ever being together again.
I think time is telling me, Cat, you know life is short
...everyone knows this.
You need to react to this knowledge, take the time to look at what has happened to you, use it to learn, use it to heal, and stop dwelling. Life and time wait for no one. Yet I sit and argue with them. I tell it there is nothing left out there for me, nothing is real anymore, nothing can be given to me to hold forever. Why should I care if life passes me by? I am not missing out on anything as far as I can see. Even with the little energy I have left, I just don't care if anyone understands me anymore. I have no more battles to fight, nothing left to fight for. I don't care to put forth the effort to tell someone my hopes and dreams. I don't care if anyone knows I have visions and see things from other dimensions. It just doesnt matter anymore. The only one that needs to know who and what I am, is me. I am the only one that really matters how much effort I put into.Shawn wrote, "but if you find someone else, I will have to go away quietly, it would not be right for me to interfere" Is that a hint that he wants me to go away quietly?
I don't know what it means really.
I just know that my soul mate will refuse to walk away quietly from me.
That he will fight for me
....fight to open my eyes.
He will know we are meant to be together and refuse to let anything keep us apart.
My Curse (July 13th 2003)
This world is no longer mine...
there is nothing here for me,
there never was
...I can't breath
...the pain i carry is too much to bear
...the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath
..Please let me die.
I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.
Every night I come home to an empty world
...no one there to hold me, no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.
I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me
...everything that has ever broken my heart.
I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...I don't think time will heal this pain.
Maybe I have been wrong about love all along.
Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.
I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.
I HATE YOU ALL!!!
I have created life....it was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do. I am a failure...these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness.
God what have I done.
Sorry is not enough...
I must pay for the damage I have done.
I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.
My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall
...never let in
...Never allowed in.
Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.
there is nothing here for me,
there never was
...I can't breath
...the pain i carry is too much to bear
...the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath
..Please let me die.
I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way.
I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore.
I cant eat I cant sleep.
I can't think straight.
I cant do this..i just cant do it.
Every night I come home to an empty world
...no one there to hold me, no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me.
I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness,
hoping for the morphine to end my suffering.
I can't stand to be alive anymore.
I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me
...everything that has ever broken my heart.
I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...I don't think time will heal this pain.
Maybe I have been wrong about love all along.
Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time.
This is the end, I can feel it coming.
I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.
I HATE YOU ALL!!!
I have created life....it was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do. I am a failure...these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness.
God what have I done.
Sorry is not enough...
I must pay for the damage I have done.
I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.
My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall
...never let in
...Never allowed in.
Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.
Hi Baby
I wrote this for him tonight......
Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silencean interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly, to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry, for her sorrow goes by no name...
"Hi Baby"
her heart stops.
her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins
and wears his heart as her crown.
Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silencean interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly, to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry, for her sorrow goes by no name...
"Hi Baby"
her heart stops.
her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins
and wears his heart as her crown.
Monday, February 07, 2005
You choose to Love...
Like falling from a cliff , feeling the adrenaline...
feeling the rush, knowing that there is nothing you can possibly do to keep yourself from falling. You succumb to the inevitable.
Then suddenly you reach the bottom and you are submerged into this cradle of water.
The deprivation tank.
All your senses are stolen from you,
for they are still thriving in the memory of the fall.
You lie there, unable to come up for air,
left to struggle with the inability to breath.
You hold onto your soul and your life flashes before you.
The memories come in flashes at first...
so many important moments of your life revisited.
Slowly your heart rate begins to slow and you find yourself reliving your memories in a glorified array of happiness...
they are more intense now....
your body stops struggling now.
The water forms to every inch of your body like a glove...
it gives you comfort like no other.
Comfort in your memories...
they Are real!
Then you come to a place in your time line where you remember where you were right before you took the fall...you see those eyes.
The ones that have spent a lifetime looking for you...
your heart stops...
You remember how complete you had become, what you had struggled for so long to find, how close you had become to reaching it...
and suddenly you choose this love over the comfort of your memories.
For the first time you realize that this love is better than death.
You choose to breath.
You choose life.
So many years of hurt and neglect...
forgotten.
So many hours a heartache and tears...
pointless.
Next thing you know...
you open your eyes to "those eyes"
staring at you with tears welling inside them.
"I almost lost you"
He pulled your lifeless body from the water.
He brought you back..
knowing how close you were to losing it all...
For a moment you see your own soul in his eyes...
The water can no longer bring tranquility...
You have chose to live outside its comfort...
You choose to Love.......................
feeling the rush, knowing that there is nothing you can possibly do to keep yourself from falling. You succumb to the inevitable.
Then suddenly you reach the bottom and you are submerged into this cradle of water.
The deprivation tank.
All your senses are stolen from you,
for they are still thriving in the memory of the fall.
You lie there, unable to come up for air,
left to struggle with the inability to breath.
You hold onto your soul and your life flashes before you.
The memories come in flashes at first...
so many important moments of your life revisited.
Slowly your heart rate begins to slow and you find yourself reliving your memories in a glorified array of happiness...
they are more intense now....
your body stops struggling now.
The water forms to every inch of your body like a glove...
it gives you comfort like no other.
Comfort in your memories...
they Are real!
Then you come to a place in your time line where you remember where you were right before you took the fall...you see those eyes.
The ones that have spent a lifetime looking for you...
your heart stops...
You remember how complete you had become, what you had struggled for so long to find, how close you had become to reaching it...
and suddenly you choose this love over the comfort of your memories.
For the first time you realize that this love is better than death.
You choose to breath.
You choose life.
So many years of hurt and neglect...
forgotten.
So many hours a heartache and tears...
pointless.
Next thing you know...
you open your eyes to "those eyes"
staring at you with tears welling inside them.
"I almost lost you"
He pulled your lifeless body from the water.
He brought you back..
knowing how close you were to losing it all...
For a moment you see your own soul in his eyes...
The water can no longer bring tranquility...
You have chose to live outside its comfort...
You choose to Love.......................
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