September
13, 2012
There is a
day coming. A day we must all face in our own way and in our own time. A day
that someone we love will leave this earth. A day that he will no longer be
here to turn to when we need advice. A day that his laughter or silly jokes
will no longer fill the room. We are told he has a year to live. When we were
children, a year seemed like a long time. Like too long to wait for something
we really looked forward to. We couldn’t wait to be a year older, an inch
taller, a grade higher or a step closer to that next milestone in life… But
this is a year that we do not want to happen. This is a year that each day will
pass begrudgingly as we watch this hour glass run out, as we watch each moment
we have left with him blow out the window... This is the year that Hope is no
longer in our vocabulary and there are no more straws to grasp at.
Many people
have their own ways of coping; some people have no ways of coping at all. This
is my way... living it out like a story, writing it from a distance like it is
not really happening to me, like we are watching a movie, and at the end of the
movie the world will keep turning and the movie will only be a memory left in
the back of our minds. This is my secret little place to feel my pain without
spreading it into everyone else around me already hurting and lost. This is my
place to figure things out along the way... A place to put my memories,
thoughts, and fears for this year to come. A way to dig my nails into the
ground and leave my mark screaming that I will not let this year pass without
dragging me away kicking and screaming.
I am a dying
man’s worst friend. Not because I do not care, but because I care too much. I
am overcome with such grief and sadness in watching you fade away that I do not
know how to act around you… and that is what it is ACTING. Because inside of me
I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you until I am physically unable to
do it anymore. So I find myself avoiding you, avoiding eye contact. Afraid of
you, because I am afraid I will break down right in front of you. As if you are
not already suffering enough with your own inner struggles, I do not want to
become the slightest ounce of added pain in your life. So I hold my breath and
try to breathe very slowly when I have to be near you. I am repeating phrases
inside my head like “Don’t break” and praying you don’t say anything that is
going to remind me, You are dying.
The first
time I saw you after we got the news, I know the truth hadn’t hit me yet, it
still hasn’t, it has only been 3 days. But now every word you say to me is
going to become a painful memory, How can I enjoy another minute with you
KNOWING that soon, everything we are doing now, is going to tear my heart apart
when I think about it?
“Who loves
you?” That is the first thing you said to me after we found out. You wrapped
your arm over me as I replied “You do” I fought those tears with everything I
am, I stayed strong… for you... and I saved them for now, for this very page.
Here where I hide my pain. Here where I am only watching from far away... Safe
from the pain.
